Sunday, June 21, 2009
5:22pm 6/21/09
Too bad, I guess. I'm pretty sure this one's over. Sucks to be you. Right? Or is this what you asked for yesterday? Make up your mind.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
4:56pm 5/27/09
Hanging on with every ounce of strength I can muster. fuck. one year, I simply won't make it.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
4/15/09 1:38pm
"Alcohol dependent" and "Alcoholic" are two VERY different things! Sometimes, it truly is medicinally necessary!
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
journal excerpt
...I can be me. I'm good at that. Who me is though, is a very independent guy. I'm a smokin', drinkin', fuckin', bar fly. I'm not Mike Brady. I don't want a house with a driveway, I want a crash pad in the city.
Monday, January 26, 2009
5:28pm 1/26/09
This whole thing fucks me up. I just want to BE!!! ....but yet, I cannot. Not here. Not in Cyberville. Maybe not anywhere.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Monday, August 11, 2008
Your/My Ghost
See... the thing with ghosts is that you don't really know what they look like. You can feel a ghost, more than you can see a ghost. Ghosts may well have a primary "host" body, but they aren't always going to be in that host body. They will come through others, or even just be around without a body.
It's often rather difficult to distinguish between a person and the ghost of another, but it's possible.
Yes, that's the thing about being in love with a ghost, you often think that you're in love with the person who is (knowingly or not) playing temporary host (or conduit) to that ghost.
All that said... yes, I am in love with a ghost, and that ghost often comes through others. I often get thrown off course, and I often lose track completely.
...and all that said... yes, I AM a ghost and often a conduit as well. I come through others, and they through me. Can I tell when the ghost of another is coming through me? Most often, yes, I can. I can tell when I'm "100% me" and when I'm not. Do I remember my own ghostly travels? Sometimes I think that I do, but I can't be sure. It's about as reliable as remembering past lives. Memory lives in the brain. Ghosts don't have brains. Ghosts are just energy. So, sometimes I feel a familiar energy, but the images which my brain produces to go along with the travels, based on the residual... energy patterns, aren't exactly what I'd call "clear" or "reliable".
The ghost that I'm in love with, the one I have called my "soul mate"? I KNOW the way that ghost FEELS, and that's all that I can say I know without a doubt.
It's often rather difficult to distinguish between a person and the ghost of another, but it's possible.
Yes, that's the thing about being in love with a ghost, you often think that you're in love with the person who is (knowingly or not) playing temporary host (or conduit) to that ghost.
All that said... yes, I am in love with a ghost, and that ghost often comes through others. I often get thrown off course, and I often lose track completely.
...and all that said... yes, I AM a ghost and often a conduit as well. I come through others, and they through me. Can I tell when the ghost of another is coming through me? Most often, yes, I can. I can tell when I'm "100% me" and when I'm not. Do I remember my own ghostly travels? Sometimes I think that I do, but I can't be sure. It's about as reliable as remembering past lives. Memory lives in the brain. Ghosts don't have brains. Ghosts are just energy. So, sometimes I feel a familiar energy, but the images which my brain produces to go along with the travels, based on the residual... energy patterns, aren't exactly what I'd call "clear" or "reliable".
The ghost that I'm in love with, the one I have called my "soul mate"? I KNOW the way that ghost FEELS, and that's all that I can say I know without a doubt.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Fear
That's what got us into this mess. ...pretending ...playing it cool ...so afraid to scare the other away. Yes, and hiding ...my hiding that of myself which I thought might scare you, you hiding that of yourself which you thought might repulse me ...our hiding that of ourselves which we thought might cause us to judge one another... which might cause the other to reject us... to leave.
...but it was INSTANTANEOUS.
My carefully articulated expressed doubts were... LIES.
I felt your fear... your panic... and I SAID, "NO."
I DENIED IT!
I didn't want to lose you for any reason, and in my effort not to... I shot myself in the foot.
The pain shut me down.
I convinced myself that I was wrong, that I hadn't been lying.
It was all "too good to be true". I played "sour grapes" with myself. I quickly found another, one after the next, and continued my search for... you ...and there you were again, over and over, as usual... coming through others every chance you could, and scaring off or doing battle with many who even dared to want to get too close. I accepted that, even welcomed it, as it was as close as I could get to you. Even for a moment, I'd travel far, I'd empty my pockets, I'd flirt with death, I'd risk body, mind, and even spirit ...and then, just feed on what remained of them after you'd faded, like a good Vampire.
...but yes, I too would, and will, continue to walk-in like a good ghost. They don't know. They aren't that aware. When they see a tree, they only see a tree.
Now, because I truly must,
I beg you
to FORGIVE ME.
...but it was INSTANTANEOUS.
My carefully articulated expressed doubts were... LIES.
I felt your fear... your panic... and I SAID, "NO."
I DENIED IT!
I didn't want to lose you for any reason, and in my effort not to... I shot myself in the foot.
The pain shut me down.
I convinced myself that I was wrong, that I hadn't been lying.
It was all "too good to be true". I played "sour grapes" with myself. I quickly found another, one after the next, and continued my search for... you ...and there you were again, over and over, as usual... coming through others every chance you could, and scaring off or doing battle with many who even dared to want to get too close. I accepted that, even welcomed it, as it was as close as I could get to you. Even for a moment, I'd travel far, I'd empty my pockets, I'd flirt with death, I'd risk body, mind, and even spirit ...and then, just feed on what remained of them after you'd faded, like a good Vampire.
...but yes, I too would, and will, continue to walk-in like a good ghost. They don't know. They aren't that aware. When they see a tree, they only see a tree.
Now, because I truly must,
I beg you
to FORGIVE ME.
Thursday, June 5, 2008
0538pm060508
9 years ago, it all changed. "Cyber" suddenly became equal with "real".
Here I am...
I've been online for 9 years. No... it's not that I had "Internet Access" for that long. I've LIVED online. For 9 motherfucking years... I've EXISTED online... more so than off.
...and I side on?.... continuing... following this damn thing out until... until... until...
until I'm HOME.
Here I am...
I've been online for 9 years. No... it's not that I had "Internet Access" for that long. I've LIVED online. For 9 motherfucking years... I've EXISTED online... more so than off.
...and I side on?.... continuing... following this damn thing out until... until... until...
until I'm HOME.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Another 27th
I suppose that if I do what I usually do, that is, play my games with dates and time past, I should end this Internet journey in about 9 days.
Have I found what I was looking... searching for?
Nine years ago, I typed the word "Vampire" into my search engine. Before typing in that word, I'd searched for nothing aside from a bus schedule. The search for the schedule took only a matter of minutes. My search for another... another like myself? I fear that search has yielded next to nothing.
True, I have benefited. I've found many answers to many questions and have had many adventures ...and the Psi-food has been life-sustaining... but after 9 years, I still have not been able to find another like myself... another of my kind.
In the three decades prior to this leg of my "quest" I had better luck. At least, I found a few. True, we cannot co-exist in the same space for very long, but for the brief time we do...
I don't even know how to put it into words. Perhaps, there are no words sufficient.
...and so, I suppose that this medium is rather... restricting, if for no other reason than for that one .
Restricting ...much like this body.
Perhaps.
Have I found what I was looking... searching for?
Nine years ago, I typed the word "Vampire" into my search engine. Before typing in that word, I'd searched for nothing aside from a bus schedule. The search for the schedule took only a matter of minutes. My search for another... another like myself? I fear that search has yielded next to nothing.
True, I have benefited. I've found many answers to many questions and have had many adventures ...and the Psi-food has been life-sustaining... but after 9 years, I still have not been able to find another like myself... another of my kind.
In the three decades prior to this leg of my "quest" I had better luck. At least, I found a few. True, we cannot co-exist in the same space for very long, but for the brief time we do...
I don't even know how to put it into words. Perhaps, there are no words sufficient.
...and so, I suppose that this medium is rather... restricting, if for no other reason than for that one .
Restricting ...much like this body.
Perhaps.
Sunday, April 30, 2006
April 30, 2006
10:18AM - 4/30/06
~The fears of a clown
I’m not awake… sort of. Everything feels twisted and off. It’s not a pleasant feeling. Took me a good hour this morning to figure out what the hell I was talking about last night, when I came up with the title “Clownie pins”. Pin down the clown? Pins that clowns use? Pins with clowns on them? Indeed. Yes, I’m sure that they could be used to sedate a clown (like me), and of all the clowns I’ve ever known about, I’d have to say that “Clownie”, from Spawn, would be a good choice for representing at least one of my alter egos. Klonipin. …or is it Klonapin? Yeah, I couldn’t remember last night either, hence my creating “Clownie pins”.
At some point, about midway through that entry, I headed for lala land. Between the Inderal, the many beers, and the Clownie pins, I had a rather long nap. I have no clue who I was upset with last night, but I did notice that my mother had called, when I looked at my phone this morning. Who knows? Inderal takes care of a lot of that for me, that pesky actually remembering things habit. Memory loss is lots of fun. I said what? Ummmmm… ok, I’ll take your word for it.
I am so not doing well. This really sucks. I’m trying my best to get through this, but I fear that by writing during this psycho-stretch I’m trashing what’s left of my dignity. Every now and again, I do care what people think about me. I try to keep that in mind during the other times, when I don’t give a flying fuck what other people think about me. Right now though, I don’t know whether I care or not. I seem to be apologizing a lot lately. I guess that I must care a little bit.
I think that I have to get back into bed.
Sorry
7:54PM - 4/30/06
~Hay Hey Haye
I suppose
okay?
that I just could
drink my way
into May
okay?
Sounds like a plan
just like any other day
day
It's all one
long
day.
~The fears of a clown
I’m not awake… sort of. Everything feels twisted and off. It’s not a pleasant feeling. Took me a good hour this morning to figure out what the hell I was talking about last night, when I came up with the title “Clownie pins”. Pin down the clown? Pins that clowns use? Pins with clowns on them? Indeed. Yes, I’m sure that they could be used to sedate a clown (like me), and of all the clowns I’ve ever known about, I’d have to say that “Clownie”, from Spawn, would be a good choice for representing at least one of my alter egos. Klonipin. …or is it Klonapin? Yeah, I couldn’t remember last night either, hence my creating “Clownie pins”.
At some point, about midway through that entry, I headed for lala land. Between the Inderal, the many beers, and the Clownie pins, I had a rather long nap. I have no clue who I was upset with last night, but I did notice that my mother had called, when I looked at my phone this morning. Who knows? Inderal takes care of a lot of that for me, that pesky actually remembering things habit. Memory loss is lots of fun. I said what? Ummmmm… ok, I’ll take your word for it.
I am so not doing well. This really sucks. I’m trying my best to get through this, but I fear that by writing during this psycho-stretch I’m trashing what’s left of my dignity. Every now and again, I do care what people think about me. I try to keep that in mind during the other times, when I don’t give a flying fuck what other people think about me. Right now though, I don’t know whether I care or not. I seem to be apologizing a lot lately. I guess that I must care a little bit.
I think that I have to get back into bed.
Sorry
7:54PM - 4/30/06
~Hay Hey Haye
I suppose
okay?
that I just could
drink my way
into May
okay?
Sounds like a plan
just like any other day
day
It's all one
long
day.
Saturday, April 29, 2006
April 29, 2006
10:21AM - 4/29/06
~a mouthful
I once read an online conversation where people were discussing whether or not it was actually possible for a man to really be a feminist.
Tell me, what better way is there for a very masculine man to prove to other men that it's not being a woman that makes one submissive, aside from announcing to the world that he enjoys having dick in his mouth?
Identifying as "Gay" is something I do because I'm a feminist.
It's my way of saying, you can't treat her like crap just because she sucks your cock, unless you want to take me on too.
5:41PM - 4/29/06
~Clownie pins
That new Psych med? So far, no good. Took it a little while ago.
Getting tired though. I suppose that's good. Maybe I'll sleep.
(interjection (worry about spelling) - Maybe I WON'T think of YOU.
Damn memory.
Yay. A life medicated.
Wake me up when it's over.
~a mouthful
I once read an online conversation where people were discussing whether or not it was actually possible for a man to really be a feminist.
Tell me, what better way is there for a very masculine man to prove to other men that it's not being a woman that makes one submissive, aside from announcing to the world that he enjoys having dick in his mouth?
Identifying as "Gay" is something I do because I'm a feminist.
It's my way of saying, you can't treat her like crap just because she sucks your cock, unless you want to take me on too.
5:41PM - 4/29/06
~Clownie pins
That new Psych med? So far, no good. Took it a little while ago.
Getting tired though. I suppose that's good. Maybe I'll sleep.
(interjection (worry about spelling) - Maybe I WON'T think of YOU.
Damn memory.
Yay. A life medicated.
Wake me up when it's over.
Friday, April 28, 2006
April 28, 2006
6:44 PM - 4/28/06
~I shoulda been in picschahs.
There are a million thoughts running through my head... they're running so fast that I can't type them or write them down. I can barely get them into sentences before another one takes its place.
Last night I spent about two hours talking to myself. It was a good show. I laughed! I cried! It was better than Cats!
(It does often occur to me to invest in a movie camera, rather than attempting a book. I could probably cover a lot more ground.)
When you think of it, there is very little difference between writing and performing "stand-up"... or between writing and talking to oneself. There is the thing about the audience, and what to wear, and there's no back space or edit button, but other than that, it's basically the same. Anything I write is first composed in my head. There's always the option of saying it, rather than writing it onto the screen or paper.
When I can't write, for any reason, I talk to myself a lot. It's about venting... about organizing my thoughts... about allowing myself to see things from a different perspective. If, in the middle of your monologue about your life, you break out into tears, you know better what really upset you. If you laugh, you can better see what you're healing from, in some respects.
Yes, I know that it's just one more thing that might help to label me "nuts", but I really can't say that I care. I'll freely admit that I'm crazy. Shoot, I'll take out ads.
There's a very fine line between "crazy" and "genius" though. It's called "perspective".
~I shoulda been in picschahs.
There are a million thoughts running through my head... they're running so fast that I can't type them or write them down. I can barely get them into sentences before another one takes its place.
Last night I spent about two hours talking to myself. It was a good show. I laughed! I cried! It was better than Cats!
(It does often occur to me to invest in a movie camera, rather than attempting a book. I could probably cover a lot more ground.)
When you think of it, there is very little difference between writing and performing "stand-up"... or between writing and talking to oneself. There is the thing about the audience, and what to wear, and there's no back space or edit button, but other than that, it's basically the same. Anything I write is first composed in my head. There's always the option of saying it, rather than writing it onto the screen or paper.
When I can't write, for any reason, I talk to myself a lot. It's about venting... about organizing my thoughts... about allowing myself to see things from a different perspective. If, in the middle of your monologue about your life, you break out into tears, you know better what really upset you. If you laugh, you can better see what you're healing from, in some respects.
Yes, I know that it's just one more thing that might help to label me "nuts", but I really can't say that I care. I'll freely admit that I'm crazy. Shoot, I'll take out ads.
There's a very fine line between "crazy" and "genius" though. It's called "perspective".
Thursday, April 27, 2006
April 27, 2006
6:19 AM - 4/27/06
~One, two, gotta hurl poo...
Going in and out of this blinding rage. The physical symptoms are getting worse too. Called Neurodude, who surprisingly called me back within a couple of hours. He called in a prescription for another psych med, which I'll tenatively use. They scare me, head meds. I have to try something though. The rage is getting pretty bad. He's also setting up an appointment for me to go see some sort of ear dude. My ears have been ringing for months now, and lately they're starting to get even worse. I had to chuckle little. I told Neurodude that I'd report back to him that I do indeed have MS, as soon as possible. (He actually chuckled at that one himself.)
I'm pretty tired. I took a Propranolol, yesterday about noonish, to carry me over until I have the Inderal today. That makes me a little drowsy, until my system gets used to it. I look forward to seeing RavensWings today, but feel bad that I'm already so damn sleepy. I worry about falling at the store, too. My legs collapsed yesterday. That hasn't happened in a while.
So, life with MS continues. You should probably wear some sort of protective clothing. I can't promise that intense shit hurling will not occur.
I'm doing my best.
6:42 PM - 4/27/06
~Just a note to say that
I'm really, really sorry. I'm not doing well. Actually, it's scaring me right now.
I'm hoping that it's just the Inderal... but the last couple of weeks have been bad, and getting worse every day, and I wasn't back on the Inderal yet.
I'll do my best not to be too scarce. I don't want to get people too worried. ...and anyway, I miss you dork-butts, if I can't get to the computer.
So, just know that if I'm not too present, it's nothing personal. It's just that my eyes are pretty bad, my fingers are tripping over themselves, and I'm in an obscene amount of pain just trying to sit here. It's not for lack of caring.
~One, two, gotta hurl poo...
Going in and out of this blinding rage. The physical symptoms are getting worse too. Called Neurodude, who surprisingly called me back within a couple of hours. He called in a prescription for another psych med, which I'll tenatively use. They scare me, head meds. I have to try something though. The rage is getting pretty bad. He's also setting up an appointment for me to go see some sort of ear dude. My ears have been ringing for months now, and lately they're starting to get even worse. I had to chuckle little. I told Neurodude that I'd report back to him that I do indeed have MS, as soon as possible. (He actually chuckled at that one himself.)
I'm pretty tired. I took a Propranolol, yesterday about noonish, to carry me over until I have the Inderal today. That makes me a little drowsy, until my system gets used to it. I look forward to seeing RavensWings today, but feel bad that I'm already so damn sleepy. I worry about falling at the store, too. My legs collapsed yesterday. That hasn't happened in a while.
So, life with MS continues. You should probably wear some sort of protective clothing. I can't promise that intense shit hurling will not occur.
I'm doing my best.
6:42 PM - 4/27/06
~Just a note to say that
I'm really, really sorry. I'm not doing well. Actually, it's scaring me right now.
I'm hoping that it's just the Inderal... but the last couple of weeks have been bad, and getting worse every day, and I wasn't back on the Inderal yet.
I'll do my best not to be too scarce. I don't want to get people too worried. ...and anyway, I miss you dork-butts, if I can't get to the computer.
So, just know that if I'm not too present, it's nothing personal. It's just that my eyes are pretty bad, my fingers are tripping over themselves, and I'm in an obscene amount of pain just trying to sit here. It's not for lack of caring.
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
April 26, 2006
8:05 AM - 4/26/06
~Now here
I'm feeling rather odd. Can't seem to get my bearings. Everything feels off somehow... abstract.
It's interesting that often I want to crawl into a hole, and at the same time, be around groups of people. I think that it has something to do with the fact that being around groups of people forces one to crawl into oneself. Either way, in a hole or around many people, you're forced into a corner of your mind that is there for the purpose of... the purpose of... I don't know. I guess that maybe it's just about a feeling of vulnerability... about wanting to hide... about wanting to protect yourself. In the hole, I'm hidden from the world. Around people, I'm forced to put on a costume and "behave". Either way, I'm really nowhere... out of touch.
I'm tired. I need sleep. My brain is exhausting me.
12:08 PM - 4/26/06
~Having to say, "Yes".
ok, it's official, if I don't go back on Blood Pressure meds, I'm going to have a fucking stroke, if I don't have a heart attack first.
I AM NOT happy about this
I called the Pharmacy. The State is going to pick up the bulk of the cost, because Medicare D won't cover it. So, it's back on the Inderal I go, until I can get my doc to write me a scrip for a different medication.
I might be a little more stupid, but I'll probably be less of a prick. As usual, I apologize in advance.
7:46 PM - 4/26/06
~It's not stopping
I'm really, really, REALLY FUCKING ANGRY!!!!
I hate this shit. I hate this fucking disease!!!
...and you know what, I'm starting to HATE THIS BLOG.
I don't need answers!
I don't need a fucking cheering section!
I just need people to read and show a little fucking compassion!!!
I'm tired of having to fucking explain myself and the realities of my life!!!
SOMETIMES I JUST NEED TO VENT!!!!!!!!!
Do you know how many times I've had to accept help from people and had them rub it in my face? Do you know how many times I've had to let people walk all over me because they helped me out? Do you know how many times people have promised me that they'd "NEVER do that to me" and then did it?!!?!!! Do you know how many times I've (metaphorically) been starving and had "friends" dangle food in front of my face and make me beg? No! Of course you don't, that's because I won't go into it... because THAT would make me UNGRATEFUL for all of their "help".
I'd rather STEAL money from people. That way they can treat me like shit, and inside I'll know that I deserve it.
There. Much better. I knew that I had this blog for a reason.
~Now here
I'm feeling rather odd. Can't seem to get my bearings. Everything feels off somehow... abstract.
It's interesting that often I want to crawl into a hole, and at the same time, be around groups of people. I think that it has something to do with the fact that being around groups of people forces one to crawl into oneself. Either way, in a hole or around many people, you're forced into a corner of your mind that is there for the purpose of... the purpose of... I don't know. I guess that maybe it's just about a feeling of vulnerability... about wanting to hide... about wanting to protect yourself. In the hole, I'm hidden from the world. Around people, I'm forced to put on a costume and "behave". Either way, I'm really nowhere... out of touch.
I'm tired. I need sleep. My brain is exhausting me.
12:08 PM - 4/26/06
~Having to say, "Yes".
ok, it's official, if I don't go back on Blood Pressure meds, I'm going to have a fucking stroke, if I don't have a heart attack first.
I AM NOT happy about this
I called the Pharmacy. The State is going to pick up the bulk of the cost, because Medicare D won't cover it. So, it's back on the Inderal I go, until I can get my doc to write me a scrip for a different medication.
I might be a little more stupid, but I'll probably be less of a prick. As usual, I apologize in advance.
7:46 PM - 4/26/06
~It's not stopping
I'm really, really, REALLY FUCKING ANGRY!!!!
I hate this shit. I hate this fucking disease!!!
...and you know what, I'm starting to HATE THIS BLOG.
I don't need answers!
I don't need a fucking cheering section!
I just need people to read and show a little fucking compassion!!!
I'm tired of having to fucking explain myself and the realities of my life!!!
SOMETIMES I JUST NEED TO VENT!!!!!!!!!
Do you know how many times I've had to accept help from people and had them rub it in my face? Do you know how many times I've had to let people walk all over me because they helped me out? Do you know how many times people have promised me that they'd "NEVER do that to me" and then did it?!!?!!! Do you know how many times I've (metaphorically) been starving and had "friends" dangle food in front of my face and make me beg? No! Of course you don't, that's because I won't go into it... because THAT would make me UNGRATEFUL for all of their "help".
I'd rather STEAL money from people. That way they can treat me like shit, and inside I'll know that I deserve it.
There. Much better. I knew that I had this blog for a reason.
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
April 25, 2006
7:20 AM - 4/25/06
~What month is it?
Last night was rough. There's a lot of shit that comes along with MS. Pain is one of those turds. Last night I was dancing all over that pain scale. Today, I'm hoping to get a shower at some point between songs.
Yes, this computer is frustrating. The average time for opening a window, any window, online or off, is 13 seconds. Not that I'm not glad that I have the use of it. If I didn't have this, I'd have no Internet access at all, and that would suck beyond belief.
I don't know yet what I'm going to do. The only thing that might fix the problem is time. I do plan on trying Circuit City, but I fear that they'll not ok me for any amount of credit either. It's not just the bankruptcy that hasn't dropped off the credit report yet. My actual income is only about 12K a year. No one in their right mind loans money to strangers with that income.
Should I set up an account and accept donations? Maybe.The general opinion is that I should. Can I though? In all honesty, I don't know. I went to the Dell website yesterday and almost cried. The site itself completely overloaded my brain.
If I can manage to get some functional time today, I have to fill out the forms that the State sent me. They have to make sure that I still still need their assistance for my health care costs.
Although very dramatic, life really isn't very fun right now.
~What month is it?
Last night was rough. There's a lot of shit that comes along with MS. Pain is one of those turds. Last night I was dancing all over that pain scale. Today, I'm hoping to get a shower at some point between songs.
Yes, this computer is frustrating. The average time for opening a window, any window, online or off, is 13 seconds. Not that I'm not glad that I have the use of it. If I didn't have this, I'd have no Internet access at all, and that would suck beyond belief.
I don't know yet what I'm going to do. The only thing that might fix the problem is time. I do plan on trying Circuit City, but I fear that they'll not ok me for any amount of credit either. It's not just the bankruptcy that hasn't dropped off the credit report yet. My actual income is only about 12K a year. No one in their right mind loans money to strangers with that income.
Should I set up an account and accept donations? Maybe.The general opinion is that I should. Can I though? In all honesty, I don't know. I went to the Dell website yesterday and almost cried. The site itself completely overloaded my brain.
If I can manage to get some functional time today, I have to fill out the forms that the State sent me. They have to make sure that I still still need their assistance for my health care costs.
Although very dramatic, life really isn't very fun right now.
Monday, April 24, 2006
April 24, 2006
11:47 AM - 4/24/06
~stupid
After spending the night on the phone, talking to my ex, I suddenly realized... I need a better support system.
7:20 PM - 4/24/06
My gut is pretty smart
DSM Writers Had Industry Ties: Study
By Lisa Richwine
WASHINGTON (Reuters) Apr 21 - Most of the experts who wrote the widely used Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) have had financial ties to drug makers such as research funding or stock holdings, U.S. researchers said on Thursday.
Writing in a new study, they called for full disclosure of the relationships between companies and the medical experts on panels that craft future editions of the DSM.
"Transparency is especially important when there are multiple and continuous financial relationships between panel members and the pharmaceutical industry, because of the greater likelihood that the drug industry may be exerting an undue influence," the researchers write in a study to be published in Psychotherapy and Psychosomatics.
The American Psychiatric Association, which publishes the DSM, said it would require financial disclosures for the next version, due out in 2011.
The study found 56% of 170 psychiatric experts who worked on the most recent edition, published in 1994, had at least one financial link to a drug maker at some point from 1989 through 2004. The relationships included speaking or consulting fees, ownership of company stock, payment for gifts and travel and funding for research.
All of the experts who developed sections defining mood disorders, schizophrenia and other psychotic disorders had such links, the researchers from the University of Massachusetts and Tufts University found. "The connections are especially strong in those diagnostic areas where drugs are the first line of treatment for mental disorders," the report says.
Dr. Darrel Regier, director of the American Psychiatric Association's research division, said the study was "an attempt to develop probably some guilt by association with the pharmaceutical industry."
He said he did not believe financial connections to companies influenced development of the manual. If none of the experts were involved with the industry, "that would mean they were really out of step with the major advances in the treatment of mental illness," he said.
The authors of the new study said they based their findings on searches of various databases, financial disclosures in medical journals and other records. They said they could not determine if the experts had ties to the companies while they were working on the manual.
But Lisa Cosgrove, one of the study's authors, said the associations could raise questions even if they occurred after the experts updated the DSM.
"They can certainly leverage their participation on the DSM, which is very prestigious, into lucrative consulting contracts," said Cosgrove, a clinical psychologist at the University of Massachusetts in Boston.
Ken Johnson, a spokesman for the Pharmaceutical Research and Manufacturers of America, said the industry group had not yet reviewed the study. "But it is important to note that the physicians and other health care professionals who sit on expert medical advisory panels have impeccable integrity and base their decisions on independent judgments and research," he said.
7:21 PM - 4/24/06
~Crappy day
I'm feeling too shitty to even write about how shitty I feel.
That's pretty damn sad.
~stupid
After spending the night on the phone, talking to my ex, I suddenly realized... I need a better support system.
7:20 PM - 4/24/06
My gut is pretty smart
DSM Writers Had Industry Ties: Study
By Lisa Richwine
WASHINGTON (Reuters) Apr 21 - Most of the experts who wrote the widely used Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) have had financial ties to drug makers such as research funding or stock holdings, U.S. researchers said on Thursday.
Writing in a new study, they called for full disclosure of the relationships between companies and the medical experts on panels that craft future editions of the DSM.
"Transparency is especially important when there are multiple and continuous financial relationships between panel members and the pharmaceutical industry, because of the greater likelihood that the drug industry may be exerting an undue influence," the researchers write in a study to be published in Psychotherapy and Psychosomatics.
The American Psychiatric Association, which publishes the DSM, said it would require financial disclosures for the next version, due out in 2011.
The study found 56% of 170 psychiatric experts who worked on the most recent edition, published in 1994, had at least one financial link to a drug maker at some point from 1989 through 2004. The relationships included speaking or consulting fees, ownership of company stock, payment for gifts and travel and funding for research.
All of the experts who developed sections defining mood disorders, schizophrenia and other psychotic disorders had such links, the researchers from the University of Massachusetts and Tufts University found. "The connections are especially strong in those diagnostic areas where drugs are the first line of treatment for mental disorders," the report says.
Dr. Darrel Regier, director of the American Psychiatric Association's research division, said the study was "an attempt to develop probably some guilt by association with the pharmaceutical industry."
He said he did not believe financial connections to companies influenced development of the manual. If none of the experts were involved with the industry, "that would mean they were really out of step with the major advances in the treatment of mental illness," he said.
The authors of the new study said they based their findings on searches of various databases, financial disclosures in medical journals and other records. They said they could not determine if the experts had ties to the companies while they were working on the manual.
But Lisa Cosgrove, one of the study's authors, said the associations could raise questions even if they occurred after the experts updated the DSM.
"They can certainly leverage their participation on the DSM, which is very prestigious, into lucrative consulting contracts," said Cosgrove, a clinical psychologist at the University of Massachusetts in Boston.
Ken Johnson, a spokesman for the Pharmaceutical Research and Manufacturers of America, said the industry group had not yet reviewed the study. "But it is important to note that the physicians and other health care professionals who sit on expert medical advisory panels have impeccable integrity and base their decisions on independent judgments and research," he said.
7:21 PM - 4/24/06
~Crappy day
I'm feeling too shitty to even write about how shitty I feel.
That's pretty damn sad.
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