DearGod1

11/10/00 12:33 PM

I don't know how much time I have left. True, no one does, but I'm just mentioning it because it's one of the reasons I'm forcing this writing out of my system.

It seems that I've been designated to start. I don't know where to start or how to start. I just know that I'm the one who has to do it. It's odd writing to an audience that knows everything, yet nothing at all. Even the concept is odd - the fact that I must assume that I am writing to one who knows nothing, but in truth everything is known. Odd or not though, it's true. So I suppose that the best thing to do is to explain some things first, before I get into the meat of it all.

There will be more than one of us writing this. Some of us can speak for ourselves and some of us can speak for those of us who cannot. It's not possible any other way. There are just too many perspectives... too many stories... too many truths. Then... you already know that.

We've kept quite excellent records. Unfortunately the first half of them are gone though. We've attempted to fill in the gaps, but it's not entirely possible. I'm not sure whether it ever will be. The original idea was just to submit all of those notes in chronological order. Over the past 4 years, we've worked endlessly, attempting to put those notes in order, but at this point I doubt completing that task is possible within the next 10 years, due to the 30,000 or so pages. I suppose that it's rude to submit a bunch of notes anyway - in order or not, but put in chronological order, with some commentary, hopefully it will result in a coherent report. If a note is edited, it will only be so because the edited portion was declared entirely irrelevant by consensus. Submitted notes will not be edited for grammar, punctuation, spelling, or in any attempt to conceal the truth of the time.

We've not yet come to a conclusion about whether or not to include the names of others. For now, I will allow it. Perhaps in the future the names will be changed. If that ends up being the case, I will make a note of it.

So... you who are reading this... "God"... here is the report you requested.

Holidays?

I was thinking about holidays...

Holidays are supposed to be "holy-days". Being an American, there are certain holidays that I'm requested to observe (so much for the separation of church and state!), but I've never seen the majority of them as "holy" in any way.

Over the course of my 31 years, I've somehow managed to develop my own list of holidays... days that are - and will always be - special to me. I guess that, literally speaking, the only days that are actually "holy" to me are Oct. 31 and September 19, "Halloween" and my own birthday, respectively. I won't work on either of these days, and on both days my head tends to concentrate on matters of a spiritual nature. There are other days though, days that I see as holidays of a sort, that will always carry a special meaning to me.

1/19 - "P******r day" - my mother's and grandfather's birthday, my grandmother is the 22nd, so it's all on my mind on the 19th.
2/8 - "Relationship day" - The anniversary of getting together with my HS girlfriend (aka - the love of my life).
3/21(or so) - Spring Equinox
5/1 - May Day/Beltane
6/4, 6/9, and 6/19 - Birthdays of my best friend, her daughter, and my stepfather, respectively.
6/22 (or so) - Summer Solstice
6/27 - "Spiritual birthday" - The anniversary of my awakening.
8/1 - Lammas
8/10 - "Day of the Past" - The anniversary of my mother and stepfather's wedding, even though they're divorced and I have no contact with my mother (avoiding matricide), it still brings back a flood of memories.
9/1 - "September Day" - It's my "WOOHOO! It's gonna get cold soon!" day.
9/19 - My birthday
9/21 - Autumn Equinox
9/22 - My brother's birthday
10/18 - Father-figure #1's birthday
10/24 - My sister's birthday
10/31 - Samhain
11/5 - "Independence Day" - The anniversary of my leaving my home of horrors as a young teen... and also the anniversary of going from diaries to journal format in my writing... I'm on Volume 6, Chapter 3 at this point. The day will forever be my day of appreciating my freedom, though.
11/8 - _'s birthday (that love of my life I mentioned above)
11/26 (or wherever it falls) - American Thanksgiving - "Day of fear and stuffing" - Because of my lack of a family (LONG story), I'm always the oddball friend at another family's table. I'm always scared that I'm imposing, and I'm always uncomfortable. Even as a kid I felt uncomfortable at Thanksgiving, but that had more to do with the fights before leaving for dinner. You can take me out, but don't even THINK about dressing me up!
12/7 - "Fire Day" - Anniversary of the day my "family" and I experienced a 7 alarm apartment blaze (in '77).
12/21 (or so) - Winter Solstice
12/25 - "Day of financial panic and shame" I'm poor, so that makes buying gifts rather difficult. No matter what, I always feel badly about not being able to afford to buy things for people, especially when others around me are able to get things for me.
...and 12/31 - "Night of the Sacred Party Atmosphere" - (New Year's Eve) Every Beerwolf's most sacred day!

Go fuck yourself.

SOMETIMES PEOPLE JUST HAVE TO VENT WITHOUT SOME IDIOT WHO HAS NO FUCKING CLUE ATTEMPTING TO GIVE ADVICE.

both? neither?

I have noticed that with the names sometimes it is hard to tell if someone is male or female I am just curious...
Can we list our genders?

There's an "M" on my license.

Please don't forget that sex and gender are two different things, and that sometimes people are born both or neither biologically.

I believe that neither sex nor gender is a dichotomy. There is no 100% We all have aspects of both stereotypes... even anatomically.

To be 100% honest,

no, I'm really not ok. I'll survive, I always do, but things are not going too well for me right now. Sometimes it feels like when it rains it pours. This is one of those times. I'd say that I have a lot on my plate, but I just lost my plate because I couldn't keep paying for it... so I just have... a lot.

(To walk in the shadows alone...)

I think that being alone is a perfect example of "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." We usually fear what may bring us pain, and most things that make us stronger are quite painful. (No pain; no gain!)

It feels like I've been alone most of my life, in the true sense of the word. Lately, I've been basically living the life of a 90 year old whose family is long gone and has no children. (I see maybe 2 other human beings once a week, aside from going to the market every 3 days or so where I interact with the cashier.) At times, the loneliness does make you crazy... but with it comes a sense of independence that is priceless. There's good and bad in everything. Right now, I'm at a point where I'm about to lose my precious privacy... and I fear that. I've been alone so long that I'm used to it. It's being around people that I'm not so sure of. As bad as I can be with people online, with a short fuse and what borders on pompous self-righteousness, I'm 10 times worse offline. That's one of the reasons why I stay away from people. Dealing with them makes me snap MUCH too often, and making them deal with me is close to cruel and unusual punishment.

By those I've been around, I've been called both "alien" and "angel". Whether or not it's a compliment, it still boils down to no one understanding me... and so then you have that sense of being alone even in a crowd of people. That sort of alone is often much more difficult to endure than the physical kind.

I could write a book on the "alone" topic (I'm working on it), but I think that this is enough of a rant for now.

The most precious thing I have?

A piece of looseleaf paper with this written on it:

Jan31

Hey -

I love you - Everything will be okay - Always remember that!

It's a note from the girl I fell in love with in High School - and didn't fall out of love with until... until...

Until everything is "okay", I'll never part with it.