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help?
Thursday, August 2, 2001
Wednesday, July 25, 2001
To clarify
I call you a man.
I do this NOT because I know the universal definition of "man" or "male", NOT because I've seen your picture, and NOT because you conform to my own personal definition of such. I call you a man because that is how you choose to identify yourself.
The same thing can be applied to Weres and Vamps. No matter what my own personal definition is, it's still not for me to tell other people what they should consider themselves to be... and the more I talk to people whose definitions of these terms vary from my own, the more I end up adapting my own definitions.
I'm in no way perfect with this. I'm as affected by my upbringing as anyone else... I'm just trying to grow even further than those who "taught" me. I often fall prey to the labeling game... if not out loud, then in my own head. I just see this as conditioning though... and I logically know my instincts or reactions to be... well... wrong. Every time I judge someone, I kick myself... but I still do it in the first place.
In my experience, when you attempt to go through life reliant on universal definitions, you always end up hurting someone... often you hurt yourself.
Someone once told me to try to go through life saying "I" more and "you" less. Define yourself... let others define themselves. This made a lot of sense to me.
You wrote,"You were born a man/woman and now through hormones and surgery were the opposite. "
That's seeing sex as polarized. Most of what I'm getting at is that sex/gender is nearly impossible to scientifically polarize. Not ALL men can claim to share one common trait, nor can ALL women. In fact, on a rather concrete and scientific level, it's impossible to state the definition of man or woman... male or female.
What if it's that a person was born a woman, but had parts, like a penis and testicles, that felt wrong to her so she had corrective surgery? What if the person was born and felt that her parts, even her penis and testicles, were fine, but that she was a woman, no matter what everyone else told her to believe? Whose right is it to tell her that she's not? Maybe it's just up to us to adapt our definitions of what a "woman" is.
If you came to me tomorrow and told me you were a woman, and preferred to be addressed as such, I'd consider you and call you a woman. I don't care what you look like or what you do or don't have between your legs. There's nothing about you that would have to change. You're a woman because you say so.
The way I see it, there's no one thing that makes the man, or the woman... except for the individual preference of label. I call myself "Intersexed" because I feel the label... how I understand the meaning of it, fits. I prefer male pronouns because I feel they fit me better than female ones and feel less dehumanizing than "it" or some of the newer developed ones like "heesh". It's just a preference... one based on the definitions I've learned (right or wrong) and the stereotypes that are out there. It's not because I have a beard or anything thing else on a physical level, and it's not because the law recognizes me as such. It's just my choice... and people who respect me, will respect that choice... even if they can't apply the same definitions to themselves or to others around them.
My definitions are my definitions. They change as I learn. I change as I learn.
Am I a man?
Depends on the day you ask me.
Are you?
That's up to you... and if you change your mind... so will I.
I do this NOT because I know the universal definition of "man" or "male", NOT because I've seen your picture, and NOT because you conform to my own personal definition of such. I call you a man because that is how you choose to identify yourself.
The same thing can be applied to Weres and Vamps. No matter what my own personal definition is, it's still not for me to tell other people what they should consider themselves to be... and the more I talk to people whose definitions of these terms vary from my own, the more I end up adapting my own definitions.
I'm in no way perfect with this. I'm as affected by my upbringing as anyone else... I'm just trying to grow even further than those who "taught" me. I often fall prey to the labeling game... if not out loud, then in my own head. I just see this as conditioning though... and I logically know my instincts or reactions to be... well... wrong. Every time I judge someone, I kick myself... but I still do it in the first place.
In my experience, when you attempt to go through life reliant on universal definitions, you always end up hurting someone... often you hurt yourself.
Someone once told me to try to go through life saying "I" more and "you" less. Define yourself... let others define themselves. This made a lot of sense to me.
You wrote,"You were born a man/woman and now through hormones and surgery were the opposite. "
That's seeing sex as polarized. Most of what I'm getting at is that sex/gender is nearly impossible to scientifically polarize. Not ALL men can claim to share one common trait, nor can ALL women. In fact, on a rather concrete and scientific level, it's impossible to state the definition of man or woman... male or female.
What if it's that a person was born a woman, but had parts, like a penis and testicles, that felt wrong to her so she had corrective surgery? What if the person was born and felt that her parts, even her penis and testicles, were fine, but that she was a woman, no matter what everyone else told her to believe? Whose right is it to tell her that she's not? Maybe it's just up to us to adapt our definitions of what a "woman" is.
If you came to me tomorrow and told me you were a woman, and preferred to be addressed as such, I'd consider you and call you a woman. I don't care what you look like or what you do or don't have between your legs. There's nothing about you that would have to change. You're a woman because you say so.
The way I see it, there's no one thing that makes the man, or the woman... except for the individual preference of label. I call myself "Intersexed" because I feel the label... how I understand the meaning of it, fits. I prefer male pronouns because I feel they fit me better than female ones and feel less dehumanizing than "it" or some of the newer developed ones like "heesh". It's just a preference... one based on the definitions I've learned (right or wrong) and the stereotypes that are out there. It's not because I have a beard or anything thing else on a physical level, and it's not because the law recognizes me as such. It's just my choice... and people who respect me, will respect that choice... even if they can't apply the same definitions to themselves or to others around them.
My definitions are my definitions. They change as I learn. I change as I learn.
Am I a man?
Depends on the day you ask me.
Are you?
That's up to you... and if you change your mind... so will I.
Wednesday, July 18, 2001
Choices
((If you had to choose) Would you choose to die before your beloved companion, or would you choose for them to die before you do?)
It's tough to choose giving up that comfort on the death bed... but I'd choose to go last. I'd rather she (or he) not have to suffer the pain of loss.
I've often said that the price you pay for getting everything you've ever wanted in life is the fear of losing it all.
It wasn't an easy decision for me by any means. Actually, one of the thoughts that ran through my head was "what if they find someone else after I'm gone and then they never join me if there's an afterlife?" How's that for selfish?
I just weighed the options, and actually, the deciding factors were the thoughts that came to mind while attempting to apply it to my life now. I have no partner, but I do have a best friend that I love very much. Very often it is her being on the planet that stops me from offing myself. I just couldn't hurt her like that. I just applied it to what I might feel with a lover. I don't think that I could bear causing them to suffer, or knowing that they might be. I'd rather be the one to bear the loss, at least that's a pain I know that I can deal with.
It's tough to choose giving up that comfort on the death bed... but I'd choose to go last. I'd rather she (or he) not have to suffer the pain of loss.
I've often said that the price you pay for getting everything you've ever wanted in life is the fear of losing it all.
It wasn't an easy decision for me by any means. Actually, one of the thoughts that ran through my head was "what if they find someone else after I'm gone and then they never join me if there's an afterlife?" How's that for selfish?
I just weighed the options, and actually, the deciding factors were the thoughts that came to mind while attempting to apply it to my life now. I have no partner, but I do have a best friend that I love very much. Very often it is her being on the planet that stops me from offing myself. I just couldn't hurt her like that. I just applied it to what I might feel with a lover. I don't think that I could bear causing them to suffer, or knowing that they might be. I'd rather be the one to bear the loss, at least that's a pain I know that I can deal with.
Sunday, July 8, 2001
(Art forms which I'm into?)
With visual/still arts (drawing and the like), I'm a pen, pencil, and ink junkie. I've done some paintings, but I prefer more intricate stuff. I have a project that is on a 30x42 Xerox type of paper... most of it was done using a magnifying glass.
With art as a whole, the only thing which never caught my heart was dance. Dance just always felt sexual to me, and unless I've had WAY too much to drink, or I'm head over heels in lust, I just DON'T dance. I'll sooner have sex.
With art as a whole, the only thing which never caught my heart was dance. Dance just always felt sexual to me, and unless I've had WAY too much to drink, or I'm head over heels in lust, I just DON'T dance. I'll sooner have sex.
Monday, June 25, 2001
Just like everyone else?
[My original question posed (06/23/01 10:41 AM) - Suddenly the entire world is devoid of gender. All people are hermaphrodites, utterly androgynous in personality and form. The culture reflects this, as does all human interaction. You are still you. Living in this world, would you still want to stay a woman/female - if you are one now, or a man/male - if you are one now? (as opposed to becoming a Hermaphrodite just like everyone else) Why?]
I guess that I did a really piss-poor job of wording this question. I think that what I was attempting to ask/discuss was basically, If the tables were reversed and you were one of the very few on the planet who was other than an androgynous hermaphrodite, would you want to stay that way or would you (like many transexuals and intersexed people do now) opt for surgery in order to feel more "normal". Does being different make life hell? Absofuckinglutely. I was curious about whether or not you think that you could endure that hell... or maybe feel that "God" has something to do with it... or really think that not fitting in would not be an issue... etc., etc.
I mean, think about it....
There IS no male and there IS no female. No he's or she's or hers or hims. You have no mother, no father, just parents. You have no role models... you've heard rumors of others like you, but they all live either camouflaged as "normal" people or live a life of being discriminated against.
You're a freak.
You're missing parts.
What?!? You have no penis?!?!?! What?! No vagina!??! How do I have sex with you? Or maybe you get lucky and find a person with a fetish... ooooh, wow, you have no vagina, that really gets me hot. Can I look at you? Oh, no... sorry, I could never be seen in public with someone like you. Do you know what that would do to my career? What do you think my family would say?
Have fun dating.
Every doctor you go to sees you as a guinea pig and the expressions on the faces of medical professionals when they're just checking you out for a cold makes you know that they're freaked. All of a sudden, your genitals are important to examine, even though all you have is a runny nose. Even while growing up you were seen as an oddity and regularly "studied" by medical professionals.
You have to pay for that therapy though... the therapy that helps you get over the molestation.
Both cops and people in general often beat people like you to death, because after all, you're nothing but a freak of nature. Often, you are referred to as "it". Even your parents have said it about you. They don't know what you are.
Now... about that surgery? Don't worry, afterwards you'll blend well... you just might not ever be able to have sex again and the risk of infection is rather high. You'll have to pay for it yourself, but no worries there, if you get the cheap surgery it might only run you 15 grand or so. What? What do you mean no one will hire you? Paper trail? Oh, don't be silly, discrimination isn't legal! There's really no need to hide the fact that you were once gendered. Maybe you just need to try to blend in more? You know, they do sell prosthetics you can use in the meanwhile... But hey...
it's your CHOICE.
right?
I guess that I did a really piss-poor job of wording this question. I think that what I was attempting to ask/discuss was basically, If the tables were reversed and you were one of the very few on the planet who was other than an androgynous hermaphrodite, would you want to stay that way or would you (like many transexuals and intersexed people do now) opt for surgery in order to feel more "normal". Does being different make life hell? Absofuckinglutely. I was curious about whether or not you think that you could endure that hell... or maybe feel that "God" has something to do with it... or really think that not fitting in would not be an issue... etc., etc.
I mean, think about it....
There IS no male and there IS no female. No he's or she's or hers or hims. You have no mother, no father, just parents. You have no role models... you've heard rumors of others like you, but they all live either camouflaged as "normal" people or live a life of being discriminated against.
You're a freak.
You're missing parts.
What?!? You have no penis?!?!?! What?! No vagina!??! How do I have sex with you? Or maybe you get lucky and find a person with a fetish... ooooh, wow, you have no vagina, that really gets me hot. Can I look at you? Oh, no... sorry, I could never be seen in public with someone like you. Do you know what that would do to my career? What do you think my family would say?
Have fun dating.
Every doctor you go to sees you as a guinea pig and the expressions on the faces of medical professionals when they're just checking you out for a cold makes you know that they're freaked. All of a sudden, your genitals are important to examine, even though all you have is a runny nose. Even while growing up you were seen as an oddity and regularly "studied" by medical professionals.
You have to pay for that therapy though... the therapy that helps you get over the molestation.
Both cops and people in general often beat people like you to death, because after all, you're nothing but a freak of nature. Often, you are referred to as "it". Even your parents have said it about you. They don't know what you are.
Now... about that surgery? Don't worry, afterwards you'll blend well... you just might not ever be able to have sex again and the risk of infection is rather high. You'll have to pay for it yourself, but no worries there, if you get the cheap surgery it might only run you 15 grand or so. What? What do you mean no one will hire you? Paper trail? Oh, don't be silly, discrimination isn't legal! There's really no need to hide the fact that you were once gendered. Maybe you just need to try to blend in more? You know, they do sell prosthetics you can use in the meanwhile... But hey...
it's your CHOICE.
right?
Tuesday, June 5, 2001
Otherkin
I think that it's all about labels. Maybe I make connections where there are none, but what one person dubs "X" the other dubs "Y" and that doesn't change what the actual thing is. The only thing that varies is who is dubbing it. One person calls a person a "Were" and another person calls the same person "MPD" and yet another calls that person "delusional"... the person doesn't change according to who is dubbing them. They are who and what they are.
If you want to call yourself a "Wood Nymph", then by all means do so. It really doesn't matter what the labelers say a Wood Nymph is. By dubbing yourself a "Wood Nymph", you help to define just what a Wood Nymph actually is. Let others who do not call themselves Wood Nymphs change their definition. If talking to other Wood Nymphs helps to settle your mind about whether or not you're a Wood Nymph, that's fine... just don't let people put a label on you blindly. Know what I mean? Ultimately, you're the one who matters when it comes to your label. No one knows you better than you do.
I'm a rather unique person, and I'm sure that I could fall into the Otherkin camp as easily as I could fall into the Were, Vamp, Pagan, Witch, Priest, Transsexual, Intersexed, Bisexual, Transgendered, Man, Guy, Human, Old-head, Goth, Punk, Polywere, MPD, PTSD, OCD, Anal Retentive, etc., etc., ad nauseam camps. It sometimes feels good to have a label... it helps to make you feel less alone. Other times it just plain sucks. Labels often keep us in our little box and out of the boxes of others which are a lot more fun.
I've been called "Angel" and "Alien" and "Freak"... some are awed by me, others are scared of me. If I adopt a label like "Otherkin", it might help to make others understand that although I'm different, I'm nothing unnatural. I'd do this because of my own fear. I fear others, so I go to great lengths to stop their hands before they strike me. When I look at it this way, I tend to drop all the labels. Something motivated by fear is not something I want to do. True, it might be a whole hell of a lot easier to fit in somewhere and have an army of like-labeled people on my side, but things that are easy do nothing to strengthen me. I'm not too sure what life is all about, and I may never know, but my gut says that there is some sort of reward for suffering... even if it's just to serve as a lesson to others.
Every now and again I like to relax and slap a label on. I need a break every so often. Generally speaking though, "_" is the only label I wear. Even "I" doesn't always fit. I can say, "I am", but then "I" is often "We". There are just too many labels and it gets tiring shifting them around and defining them and adding and subtracting to the collection.
If you have the desire to add "Otherkin" and "Wood Nymph" to your own personal collection, then you should. It's something that you have to decide on for yourself though. Don't ask for membership to the club, it's not up to them to decide whether or not you belong. It's up to you to decide whether or not you want to belong. The others will leave if they find your presence discomforting.
I'm babbling, I suppose. I don't really know if what I'm thinking is coming across through these words.
You know who you are. Don't let other people confuse you about that. No one knows you better than yourself. It's YOUR universe. You are the center of it... no matter what label you wear... and when you add a label, you define what it means in your own universe.
So... are you a Wood Nymph?
You tell me.
If you want to call yourself a "Wood Nymph", then by all means do so. It really doesn't matter what the labelers say a Wood Nymph is. By dubbing yourself a "Wood Nymph", you help to define just what a Wood Nymph actually is. Let others who do not call themselves Wood Nymphs change their definition. If talking to other Wood Nymphs helps to settle your mind about whether or not you're a Wood Nymph, that's fine... just don't let people put a label on you blindly. Know what I mean? Ultimately, you're the one who matters when it comes to your label. No one knows you better than you do.
I'm a rather unique person, and I'm sure that I could fall into the Otherkin camp as easily as I could fall into the Were, Vamp, Pagan, Witch, Priest, Transsexual, Intersexed, Bisexual, Transgendered, Man, Guy, Human, Old-head, Goth, Punk, Polywere, MPD, PTSD, OCD, Anal Retentive, etc., etc., ad nauseam camps. It sometimes feels good to have a label... it helps to make you feel less alone. Other times it just plain sucks. Labels often keep us in our little box and out of the boxes of others which are a lot more fun.
I've been called "Angel" and "Alien" and "Freak"... some are awed by me, others are scared of me. If I adopt a label like "Otherkin", it might help to make others understand that although I'm different, I'm nothing unnatural. I'd do this because of my own fear. I fear others, so I go to great lengths to stop their hands before they strike me. When I look at it this way, I tend to drop all the labels. Something motivated by fear is not something I want to do. True, it might be a whole hell of a lot easier to fit in somewhere and have an army of like-labeled people on my side, but things that are easy do nothing to strengthen me. I'm not too sure what life is all about, and I may never know, but my gut says that there is some sort of reward for suffering... even if it's just to serve as a lesson to others.
Every now and again I like to relax and slap a label on. I need a break every so often. Generally speaking though, "_" is the only label I wear. Even "I" doesn't always fit. I can say, "I am", but then "I" is often "We". There are just too many labels and it gets tiring shifting them around and defining them and adding and subtracting to the collection.
If you have the desire to add "Otherkin" and "Wood Nymph" to your own personal collection, then you should. It's something that you have to decide on for yourself though. Don't ask for membership to the club, it's not up to them to decide whether or not you belong. It's up to you to decide whether or not you want to belong. The others will leave if they find your presence discomforting.
I'm babbling, I suppose. I don't really know if what I'm thinking is coming across through these words.
You know who you are. Don't let other people confuse you about that. No one knows you better than yourself. It's YOUR universe. You are the center of it... no matter what label you wear... and when you add a label, you define what it means in your own universe.
So... are you a Wood Nymph?
You tell me.
Saturday, June 2, 2001
107pm060201
I never write for myself anymore. I'm always online, posting posting posting. It used to be that no one else but me read my writing, now it's everyone else I'm writing for. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I suppose it's both. Writing for everyone else, I have to omit things. My writing is honest, but not complete. I don't tell people the whole truth. I really have no desire for their input on certain things. They have no clue what it's like to be me, and all they seem to base their advice on is what they know is right for them. Then, I doubt anyone would ever allow themselves to say, "Please kill yourself".
I do my best not to allow myself to think about my life and reality. When I start thinking about it, I get suicidal... or sometimes, on a better day, homicidal. I guess that I'm unique in this, otherwise the whole world would be on disability right along with me. I don't know if I'm simply buying time, or if I'm really not going to kill myself. Some days I'll say that I'll never do it, other days I'll say nothing at all. It gets scary when I start thinking. When I start thinking, I realize that the only thing keeping me alive is guilt, and maybe a little fear. I'm not alive because I really want to be. I'm alive because I fear the consequences of suicide. Pretty lame... and pretty scary. Life is about conquering fear... if I conquer that fear, then it's all over. Part of me is really wanting to die. I look forward to finding out what comes next. True, it may well be worse than this hell, but it may also be better, or maybe it will be nothing. I'll go off like a light. I won't much care then though. It could also be the same... and that's just as bad as being worse, in a way.
I've been here since October. Day in, day out, my life sucks shit. I went from living the life of a 90 year old shut-in to living the life of a dog.
I guess I just can't win.
I do my best not to allow myself to think about my life and reality. When I start thinking about it, I get suicidal... or sometimes, on a better day, homicidal. I guess that I'm unique in this, otherwise the whole world would be on disability right along with me. I don't know if I'm simply buying time, or if I'm really not going to kill myself. Some days I'll say that I'll never do it, other days I'll say nothing at all. It gets scary when I start thinking. When I start thinking, I realize that the only thing keeping me alive is guilt, and maybe a little fear. I'm not alive because I really want to be. I'm alive because I fear the consequences of suicide. Pretty lame... and pretty scary. Life is about conquering fear... if I conquer that fear, then it's all over. Part of me is really wanting to die. I look forward to finding out what comes next. True, it may well be worse than this hell, but it may also be better, or maybe it will be nothing. I'll go off like a light. I won't much care then though. It could also be the same... and that's just as bad as being worse, in a way.
I've been here since October. Day in, day out, my life sucks shit. I went from living the life of a 90 year old shut-in to living the life of a dog.
I guess I just can't win.
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