Sunday, December 4, 2005

December 4, 2005

11:11 AM - 12/4/05
The hit count (4)

42,005


12:14 PM - 12/4/05
(Bed, again.) 1

Holy fuck! It snowed!

Been up since 5... didn't look outside.

me likey snow


1:52 PM - 12/4/05
(board reply)

I check my e-mail a few times a day. I read as much as I can. I reply when I can. That goes across the board these days, whether it's here or e-mail. I try to avoid anything resembling a conversation, because I'm not able to keep it together enough. Most of what I have to say is not nice, and I tend to react very strongly to things, so I try to just keep my mouth shut.


2:20 PM - 12/4/05
~and down the hill again

Not doing too well today. I was out of bed, earlier. Tried to read for a while, but had to get back into bed. Fell and slammed my elbow into the bathroom doorframe coming out of the bathroom. Been shaking and nauseous all day.

I get so worked up sometimes... emotional roller coaster. It's not good for me.

I think that it's best that I just stay in bed, as much as I want to be online. Maybe sleep will happen.

Saturday, December 3, 2005

December 3, 2005

7:21 AM 12/3/05
The hit count (3)

41,758


7:59 PM - 12/3/05
~My arm before you

I talked with my friend, L. today. L. We were together for a while... my STUPID FUCKING DISEASE killed it... and my psych crap.

I have ONE name tattooed on my body. I got it put there in 1998. I was FLARING. I was playing in traffic... then... L. told me she was pregnant.

I lived for that little boogie.

I lived BECAUSE of that little booger.

I loved her, even before she smelled air. I lived for her.

When I went bonkers, in 2004, that was that. I couldn't speak with L. Bitchcuntfromhell would not tolerate it.

I can't go into the details. They're too painful.

Today.

Today, after TOO long, I got to say hello to my little boogie.


I'm starting to cry now.


I'm so sorry.


I'm sorry I was weak. I'm sorry for being sick.

I love you


and you

Friday, December 2, 2005

December 2, 2005

6:19 AM - 12/2/05
~I mean You mean

...and it's morning.

Been up since 4AM or so. Slept from about 12 to 1:30, then again after a smoke. Got out of bed to start paying bills... almost fell going to make the coffee. Not a good thing. I have to do the foodstore thing again today.

I don't know the difference between "fatigue" and "tired". It's sort of like not knowing the difference between "bad headache" and "migraine". It's all just language... What (or whom) exactly am I supposed to compare myself to? I don't know how other people feel. I'm not them. It's like going through life thinking that I slept normally. How was I supposed to know that people actually meant that they didn't wake up when they said they slept for 8 hours? It's not exactly the sort of question that comes to mind. I just assumed that everyone else slept like I did. BIG epiphany when, in my twenties, I found out that people actually DID mean they slept 8 hours IN A ROW. Silly me and my naps.

It's like being asked by Neurodude if I have trouble urinating... how exactly am I supposed to know how other people piss? ...or "pins and needles"... Maybe I just call it "falling asleep" when my scalp feels that way... or my teeth, or my arms, or my legs...

language.


You think that you know what I'm saying.

I appreciate the effort.

I try just as hard.

I think.


6:53 AM - 12/2/05
The hit count (2)

41,591


2:41 PM - 12/2/05
~Battle Damage Nessie

Today, I found out that I do indeed have the "Battle Damage" model of Nessie.

She beat up a car because it was trying to run us over.

Nessie will have a scar, but I think the old lady might think twice before driving again.

If you can't see to drive, DON'T!!!!

If it wasn't for Nessie, I'd be in the hospital right now... or dead.

Nessie rocks.


4:56 PM - 12/2/05
I replied to a comment in "I mean You mean"

I think that non-human animals communicate more effectively... then, they're more honest.

5:00 PM - 12/2/05
I commented to RavensWings in "Battle Damage Nessie"

You saw it! You can vouch for Nessie! That lady really would have run me over!!! Nessie's only a BIATCH when she has to be. Right, Nessie? Nessie? ummmm.... She's sulking. I think her neck hurts.


@5:29 PM - 12/2/05
funnies

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it is "who the hell are you?" If it doesn't, I won't be any the wiser because I won't remember a damn thing.

Remember to stop and smell those red things with the spines.

Take time for your friends, otherwise you'll forget who they are.


Where there's smoke there's fire...from my dinner that I forgot was on the stove.

What doesn't kill us makes us weaker.

If you can't stand the heat, get out of ... that place in the house where you keep all of the food? With the fridge?

What doesn't kill you, often hurts you alot.

it is better to have loved and lost than never to have oh, sorry, lost my train of thought.

what does not kill you eventually will.

cold hands mean a warm heart. obviously NOT a person married to someone with ms.

you can not understand another person until you have walked a mile in their shoes. also applicable if you have not ever crapped your pants or pushed yourself a mile with their rollator.

busy fingers, busy mind.....okie...try it with numb fingers and holes in your brain numb nuts.

take time with your friends..... when most of them find out you're sick you won't have to waste anymore time with them..... they will avoid you like the plague.

there are no greater pains than the burdens of the heart.....tell that to the pain shooting up my face and in my legs asshole.

interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. this is a very comforting thought -- particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things....particularly those with ms.

the greatest virtues are those which are most useful to other persons...especially if one does not have a chronic disease.

it is always brave to say what everyone thinks.....the only problem is if you keep the company of idiots.

the gods too are fond of a joke...and in our case they are laughing their asses off.

nothing can bring you peace but yourself, and some really good painkillers.

there is more to life than increasing its speed, which is why we have motorized scooters..... just to keep up you know.

no sane man will dance...nor will a ms patient.

Limp softly, but carry a big cane.

When the going gets tough, the tough stay home.

Been everywhere, seen it all, can't remember a damn thing.

It's unfair and ungrammatical if you talk about putting your best foot forward when you have MS and are trying to impersonate a quadraped.

When one door shuts, don't worry, another one will be slamming in your face soon.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the ability to reach.

Diarrhea waits for no man.

Like most constipated people, I really don't give a shit.

A penny saved is a penny that'll be spent on your co-pay later.

I think, therefore....um.... what was I trying to say?


7:04 PM - 12/2/05
Afterthought

I wasn't in the tute in December of '87, it was December of '86. oops

In December of '87, I was working at the IRS.


7:55 PM - 12/2/05
replied to a comment in "Battle Damage Nessie"

...I hear you. I can laugh now, but at the time... I wasn't. If she wasn't elderly... grrrr It just came too close. She really did almost run me over. If I'd been a child, or without a cane... not funny at all. Nessie rocks though. She breaks the tension. :\

Thursday, December 1, 2005

December 1, 2005

8:10 AM - 12/1/05
~Hello December

The hot water just came back on. This is a good thing.

I'm still really tired. Not much sleep last night, of course.

I really want to reply to a lot of the comments here... and as usual... I'm going brain dead.

Fun with puns. woohoo.

It's December. This time last year... ugh. I remember this time last year... it was not good. I'm glad that things now are better than things were then. Very glad.

Maybe I can manage a nap... if I can manage to keep my brain from racing, and the tv off... I guess it might happen.

This here is some quality writing.

Go me!


4:55 PM - 12/1/05
The hit count (1)

My blog's hit count is now 41,480

It takes me forever just to read the damn stat counter.

This is flattering... but I worry. I don't know why I worry... but I do. Too many people I don't know, knowing that much about me... sometimes... I worry.

I suppose this is "activism"... it's the best I can do. I have to hang onto that.


5:28 PM - 12/1/05
~nothing new

I'm so tired that I'm crosseyed... and I have a list, a few pages long, of ache, pain, and fuckthisshit!!! complaints.

I'm not feeling very nice, or very friendly. Not very social. Can not play well with others. Runs with scissors in a threatening manner.

I'm glad I have my own sandbox.

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

~that time again

I'm annoyed. My hot water has been off all day.

I'm tired. I feel overwhelmed, and too oversensitive.

I'm having one of those days where I wish I could...

I don't know. I don't know what the hell I wish anymore.

Everything is annoying me, even my blog.

Maybe I just need sleep.

Here we go... up the hill...

~Up To My Waste

Couldn't fall asleep until 6AM, this morning. Not good. I'm due for my shot today, and I'm scared that if I take it, I REALLY won't be able to sleep.

I'm worried about the food in the fridge... I always feel guilty if I have to throw food out... I just haven't been that hungry lately... now Cutter's produce section is starting to go.

It's funny how that works... worrying about "wasting" food. I suppose that our parents and grandparents did a good job. In "The Depression" or during "The War", it made sense. Now though, it makes absolutely none. The same thing with "wasting" water.

Here's a bit of truth... Generally speaking, in the USA, you can't "waste" food or water. What you waste, is MONEY. Food biodegrades and ultimately feeds something else. Water evaporates, and then falls back down to us.

...but here I sit... feeling guilty. I think that I need to put a big ol' sign up in my kitchen to remind myself...

"HOW DARE YOU NOT THROW THAT OUT! DON'T YOU KNOW THAT THERE ARE INSECTS STARVING TO DEATH AT THE LANDFILL?!"

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

~Heil Filter

Just checked the mail. Been in bed all morning... too depressed to risk writing. Had a nap... dreams were vivid.

It's warm out. Unseasonable.

A neighbor, or maybe the aide of a neighbor, was walking by as I went to check the mail. I said hello. I then thought about how racist I am... being that he's black, and so of course, I actually smiled and said "hello", rather than just grunting and nodding. The more I go through life, the more I realize this... If you're not white, I like you more upon first sight, than if you are. I guess it's a combination of things... the "minority" thing, and the fact that most white people suffer from that privilege virus. Snootyitus. They're fake... shallow... spoiled... programmed. I like some white people on first sight... enough to say hello... white people with lots of old tattoos, white people who are extremely overweight, white people in wheelchairs, white people who look like they know... that despite the color of their skin, they're still "minorities". The Judged. The Pre-labeled.

I want nothing to do with my next door neighbor... or with the majority of my neighbors in the complex... but downstairs, I think I saw a black woman. I want to be her friend.

She might have stories to tell... she might judge me, but that's ok. I'm sure that, in many ways, I have indeed had it easier than her. She's from another time... and she has black skin. My shit? My shit ain't nuthin'. I can wear sleeves over my skin colors, if I have to. I can avoid doctors and bathrooms and cops and hospitals... and anyone who may harm me due to what my body looks like, if I have to. If someone does harm me... times have changed, and still are changing. I can fight... I can run my mouth, in certain places, and not get beat for it. I can blend. I can fake it, if I have to. The old lady downstairs?... she doesn't just act like she knows... she actually does know. She knows what it's like to have to... and more than that... she knows what it's like to have to, and not be able to.

I've made a lot of assumptions about the woman... just based on her skin color. That makes me racist.


The aide just walked by my window. I'm almost sure he must be an aide. He has a walkman on... and he's singing to himself... walking back and forth to the washing machines. My window is open, so I can hear him singing quite well...

"If you gave me half a chance you'd see
My desire burning inside of me..."



You go girl.


--------------------------------------

p.s. - I'm sexist as well as racist. People who look like they are "women" get an immediate extra point too. That just crossed my mind, so I figured I'd add it in. Not that the aide did. He was quite manly in appearance, until I recognized the song he was singing, and from one FAG to another, I had the right to post what I did.

If you're born a "female", or if you are in any way seen as one... you know. ...and this... I know.