~and, in the end...

7:26 PM - 3/31/06

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2006
So, it's now 2006. We're one quarter of the way through it. ...and where am I? Aside from being in Massachusetts (in my own apartment, and not in a wheelchair), and not in Pennsylvania (or Montana), I mean.

Well, I'm better, and I'm worse. I'm worse because that's how my brand of MS works. That's how PRMS works. You just keep getting worse, despite the occasional plateau of "bad" you hit. I'm better, because I know that I have this disease now. They say that knowing is half the battle, and in my case, that seems to be true. It's much easier to control your actions, when you know what exactly is causing the intensity of the emotions which are motivating you to act.

I'm Cutter. I have MS. My words are sometimes hurtful, or scary, but your intestines are safe.

2/7/06 - MRI

~grrrrrr

1:17 PM - 3/31/06

I'm tired. My head hurts. I'm bitchy, and a lot of people can't access my blog.

I need to hide in bed.

~Welcome to Massachusetts

9:01 PM - 3/30/06

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2005

Thurs. March 24, '05 1:50 AM

     Can't see well to write. Still in the hospital, went in Monday. Got a cane on Friday, but have just graduated to the wheelchair. Today, my legs just quit. Then my head went off further with eye problems and short term memory problems. I freaked out a bit. Shed a few tears... fear and embarrassment.
     Odd how I know how to use a wheelchair. I suppose it must've been all the training I got in my past dreams. Freaky indeed.
     My head is killing me. Pain killers don't work. I took 2 Ambien, that didn't work to get me to sleep either.
     From what they tell me about the MRI I had done Monday night, there are a lot of old scars... and quite a few new active areas. It hasn't hit the spine yet. I do look forward to viewing them myself.
     I hope my legs clear up some after this Solu Medrol treatment... I have 3 more days, already did 2. I can't use the chair at (RavensWings'). I don't know what the next step will be if that's the case. They keep mentioning a "home". This completely freaks me out. Not too surprising I can't sleep.

~speed demon

9:37 AM - 3/30/06

I'm feeling pretty crappy. Same as yesterday, I suppose. I guess that's the problem though... I almost always feel pretty crappy.

Wanting beer for breakfast. Want to feed the demon... screw the slow downward spiral, let's make this thing a roller coaster ride! If we go down fast enough, all the folks in the cars will scream their thrill seeking heads off!

Then, they can exit and puke all over themselves and each other.

I'll make a deal with myself... if I can do a load of wash, prepare a 2005 entry to post later, and walk to the store to get a bottle, I'm welcome to drink it.

See, I'm trying. Now back off.

~American Idiot

9:55 PM - 3/29/06

---

2004
10/29/04

     Welcome to Montana! First stop, Wolf Point. (Who knew?) So... here we are, my new home State. The land is flat, and the sky is grey. The clouds are so low, it looks like you could touch them if you jumped in the air. We're heading for the mountains. The mountains. Those snow capped ones I always used as desktop pictures. Those mountains that remind you of yourself, that give you perspective. Those mountains. Heading to the bears, the elk, the wolves, the ravens...

     All is as it should be.

~deja vu, all over again

6:49 PM - 3/29/06

Been really tired today. Haven't been able to sleep though. The weather is changing, and that always kicks my ass. ...or, more like, my brain. My guess is that I'll have to turn the a/c on soon. It's just too hot in here. It's about 78 degrees in here right now. Too hot.

I think that I'm depressed. The world moves on without me. I sit here, in my apartment, living vicariously through other people. Showering is an event.

The letters on the keys of my laptop disappear. The "e", the "s", the "n", the "c", the "d", the "g", the "l", and the "m". I use white out in an attempt to replace the letters.

Time passes. This thing is outdated. It's all I've got though, so I have to keep it running. It huffs and puffs, but it works.

This is my life.

~Yet, here I am.

(8:10 AM - 3/29/06)

I suppose that I don't really have to post anything from 2004 or 2005 or 2006. The archives are here. There's plenty to read. I said that I would though, so I'll somehow have to manage to find something that's not already archived here.

It was in 2004 that I was diagnosed with MS. I was in Bumfuck, Montana. I was completely blind in my right eye. My left eye was bad. My brain was on fire.

I don't really believe in God the way most others do. To me, everyone and everything is God. God is within and without. "They" say that things happen for a reason. Some say that God doesn't do things to you... that God does things for you.

Often, I want to strangle God with his own intestines.

God bitch-slapped me in 2004.

So, like a good Cutter, I picked up my diagnosis and turned the other cheek.

On a mountain in Montana, in the Winter time, blind in one eye, and in the most unhealthy relationship of my entire life...

I didn't kill anyone, and I didn't kill myself.

Bunny can attest to that.