I wrote what I wrote. I did what I did. I said what I said. What happened, happened.
As a general rule, I've kept the names and online aliases of others out of this, and have done my best to keep what they once confided in me out of it as well. I will continue to do so, but there is a point to this blog/project, and that requires my honesty. [If I used your name and you want it removed, just let me know in a comment, and I will do so (I screen my comments, so even that won't be seen, if you don't want it to be.), but if I once used it publicly, without protest, it will again appear in the re-post, unless you tell me otherwise.]
Yes, that was then and this is now, but "then" needs to be preserved
...for the record.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Sunday, April 18, 2004
Hello (22) - III
Can't sleep. Was going ape shit, so I had to go next door and buy a 40.
Jk's online, so I didn't want to post in (that section), but thanks for sharing that with me. Hopefully I can post, or we can talk about things soon. I do get where you're coming from though. I can relate.
Hope you're managing some sleep.
love you
Jk's online, so I didn't want to post in (that section), but thanks for sharing that with me. Hopefully I can post, or we can talk about things soon. I do get where you're coming from though. I can relate.
Hope you're managing some sleep.
love you
~Hardcore
Hardcore is having balls enough to admit to liking Barbra Streisand, in the middle of a mosh pit.
(written by me today)
(written by me today)
~Hard Core
I think that as we age, many of our labels slide off... and we do our best to hang onto the ones we have pride in. I have my West Philly Hardcore tattoo. I'm proud of my roots, I AM my roots in many ways, no matter how much I grow. In my teens, I thought I had it all figured out... I knew everything. In my twenties, I knew that I had been wrong about knowing it all as a kid. In my thirties, I'm proud to announce that I knew everything from day one... I just needed to learn words to explain it all to others.
No matter how much I grow... I am who I am... that doesn't change... I just learn new words to explain who that is to everyone else. There are labels that stick, some that don't, and some that become tattoos. My "Hardcore" tattoo is permanent... physically and metaphorically. I will ALWAYS be a part of defining what "Hardcore" is, was, and always will be. I will ALWAYS be pompous about it and always inflict my standards on other people. *shrugs* It's one of the few things I'll never bend on... there's no, "well, if you're hardcore then I'm not"... there's only I'm Hardcore, period. If you want to know what that is, just get to know me. Part of being Hardcore is that you're a stubborn pompous ass about who you are and the fact that it'll never change because of society's standards. It's pride in the self (or selves, in my case)... no matter what that self happens to look like or chooses to do, feel, think, or what that self chooses to act on or not do.
(written by me 2/15/01)
No matter how much I grow... I am who I am... that doesn't change... I just learn new words to explain who that is to everyone else. There are labels that stick, some that don't, and some that become tattoos. My "Hardcore" tattoo is permanent... physically and metaphorically. I will ALWAYS be a part of defining what "Hardcore" is, was, and always will be. I will ALWAYS be pompous about it and always inflict my standards on other people. *shrugs* It's one of the few things I'll never bend on... there's no, "well, if you're hardcore then I'm not"... there's only I'm Hardcore, period. If you want to know what that is, just get to know me. Part of being Hardcore is that you're a stubborn pompous ass about who you are and the fact that it'll never change because of society's standards. It's pride in the self (or selves, in my case)... no matter what that self happens to look like or chooses to do, feel, think, or what that self chooses to act on or not do.
(written by me 2/15/01)
~Old but not ancient.
Been reading a blog written by a girl named "Kelly". I've been sort of drawn to it all day, and so I decided to read through it and comment when I had something to say. It's just really simple... her thoughts and her life, she doesn't seem like she's trying to impress anyone. Pretty damn Hardcore.
I hope she doesn't think that I'm some weird psycho child molester or something. I just thought that her writing was really good, and I wasn't all distracted by mindless crap. She's got her shit together for a teenager. I give her a lot of credit.
Freaks me out that I'm probably as old as her parents.
I hope she doesn't think that I'm some weird psycho child molester or something. I just thought that her writing was really good, and I wasn't all distracted by mindless crap. She's got her shit together for a teenager. I give her a lot of credit.
Freaks me out that I'm probably as old as her parents.
Saturday, April 17, 2004
~So far
I don't like reading blogs backwards.
I wish I could access people's profiles without having to ask.
I wish people would realize that too much on a blog page makes people not want to visit that page. (less is more sometimes)
I'll get used to it though.
I wish I could access people's profiles without having to ask.
I wish people would realize that too much on a blog page makes people not want to visit that page. (less is more sometimes)
I'll get used to it though.
~knock knock
Just bought a magazine from this kid going door to door attempting to win a trip to Cancun. Noticed that he forgot to put my apartment number on the slip. Basically that means I threw $20 to the wind.
I have to give the kid a little credit. He did try pretty hard. The "contest" was about building "people skills", and although he was scared shitless of me, he managed to try hard enough and get me to buy something. He must really want that trip.
I suppose I did my good deed for the day.
I have to give the kid a little credit. He did try pretty hard. The "contest" was about building "people skills", and although he was scared shitless of me, he managed to try hard enough and get me to buy something. He must really want that trip.
I suppose I did my good deed for the day.
~another morning in the life of a lunatic
Another day of going back and forth between depression and rage.
I guess that, at the moment, I'm doing exactly what I want to be doing. If I had to picture what my life would be like if I could do anything, it would certainly involve getting up, making coffee, and spending time online. It has become a sort of daily ritual. It's something I enjoy doing. That says a lot, being that I don't enjoy much. I could call it "me time", but my whole life is comprised "me time" right now. That would be fine if "me" wasn't so fucked in the head.
I keep waiting for the next change over to happen. I'm due to go from "violent asshole" to "slightly positive jerk" soon.
Don't kill anyone.
Don't kill yourself.
Don't forget to water Harold.
I guess that, at the moment, I'm doing exactly what I want to be doing. If I had to picture what my life would be like if I could do anything, it would certainly involve getting up, making coffee, and spending time online. It has become a sort of daily ritual. It's something I enjoy doing. That says a lot, being that I don't enjoy much. I could call it "me time", but my whole life is comprised "me time" right now. That would be fine if "me" wasn't so fucked in the head.
I keep waiting for the next change over to happen. I'm due to go from "violent asshole" to "slightly positive jerk" soon.
Don't kill anyone.
Don't kill yourself.
Don't forget to water Harold.
Hello (22) - I
Still up.
I'm going to turn my phone off. (Jk proofing?)
Call tomorrow any time you want. If I'm asleep, I won't hear the phone (even a little). If I'm up..?..
Hope you're sleeping well.
I'm going to turn my phone off. (Jk proofing?)
Call tomorrow any time you want. If I'm asleep, I won't hear the phone (even a little). If I'm up..?..
Hope you're sleeping well.
MOM - Job Description
(thinking of you, A2, because a lot of this applies ;) )
POSITION:
Mother, Mom, Mama, Mommy
JOB DESCRIPTION:
Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES:
The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product! Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION:
Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:
None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION:
Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and then wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS:
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.
POSITION:
Mother, Mom, Mama, Mommy
JOB DESCRIPTION:
Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES:
The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product! Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION:
Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:
None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION:
Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and then wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS:
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.
Friday, April 16, 2004
~Therapy Therapy Therapy
It's been about a year and a half that I've been seeing Sarah. Along with the every day shit, I've been attempting to spill out the life story. It's taken this long, and I still haven't gotten past 1983. Sure, I talk about some things that happened in my life after that point occasionally, but in the actual chronological telling of the "story", I'm in 9th grade. I don't think that I've done any "story telling" in months. Since before Thanksgiving, I think. There's just been so much crap in my daily life, that I spend the hour (plus) every week attempting to talk through that.
Wonder if I would be covered for twice a week.
Wonder if I would be covered for twice a week.
Hello (21) - XIX, XX
1:07 AM
Talked to Jk. The conversation was ok. Beer is helpful.
12:51 PM
The continuously ringing phone got me up. I really hate that Jk does that. I unplugged it, but still couldn't get back to sleep.
Did my shot. Gonna do my I-rounds, then I'll try calling.
Talked to Jk. The conversation was ok. Beer is helpful.
12:51 PM
The continuously ringing phone got me up. I really hate that Jk does that. I unplugged it, but still couldn't get back to sleep.
Did my shot. Gonna do my I-rounds, then I'll try calling.
Thursday, April 15, 2004
~We don't wear the same shoe size.
So, what the hell happened to me....
The answer I usually give is "long story", but that's actually putting it lightly. True, it is a long series of events that landed me where I am, but if I try to explain it in less than about oh... maybe a couple years time, it's not really understandable. One thing leads to another, and although each event can be seen as pretty extreme in and of itself, the how and why each event occurred (and hence having to tell the whole damn story) is necessary for anything to really make any sense, in so far as explanations go.
I'll tell people I'm "trapped in the burbs", but how I ended up here and why exactly it is that I'm "trapped" is pretty essential to answering questions like "Why can't you get to the show?" or "How come you can't get to the doctor?". People are rarely satisfied with a "because I can't" answer. Usually they try to put themselves in the same situation... but therein lies the problem. They're not me. My reasons are valid, it just takes forever to explain them to people, and even longer for them to really get it.
I do have a job. Two, actually. My jobs are just as difficult as anyone else's, if not more so. People don't understand that though, they're busy "projecting".... putting themselves in my situation. It's sort of like standing there asking a paraplegic why he can't walk, and thinking it must surely be because he just wants to sit around in a chair his whole life (because that's what you really wish you could do if you could just find the excuse to)... that if you want something badly enough... blah blah blah. It's "I can get up, take a shower, brush my teeth, shave my face, make coffee, get to work, shuffle papers for 8 hours, get home, walk the dog, smack the kid, fuck the wife, eat dinner, watch Leno, and go to bed. Why can't you just do your fucking laundry? It's obviously because you want to get away with not doing it, because doing laundry sucks. I hate doing laundry. I never want to do laundy, but I manage. "
Why? Because I'm me, and you're you. I actually want to do my laundry, I just CAN'T.
Why can't you get your dick and balls cut off, your brains stirred with a screwdriver and just be a perky positive functional motivated person?
I digress.
I have two jobs. #1 - Don't kill myself. #2 - Don't kill anyone else.
...and I never get a day off.
The answer I usually give is "long story", but that's actually putting it lightly. True, it is a long series of events that landed me where I am, but if I try to explain it in less than about oh... maybe a couple years time, it's not really understandable. One thing leads to another, and although each event can be seen as pretty extreme in and of itself, the how and why each event occurred (and hence having to tell the whole damn story) is necessary for anything to really make any sense, in so far as explanations go.
I'll tell people I'm "trapped in the burbs", but how I ended up here and why exactly it is that I'm "trapped" is pretty essential to answering questions like "Why can't you get to the show?" or "How come you can't get to the doctor?". People are rarely satisfied with a "because I can't" answer. Usually they try to put themselves in the same situation... but therein lies the problem. They're not me. My reasons are valid, it just takes forever to explain them to people, and even longer for them to really get it.
I do have a job. Two, actually. My jobs are just as difficult as anyone else's, if not more so. People don't understand that though, they're busy "projecting".... putting themselves in my situation. It's sort of like standing there asking a paraplegic why he can't walk, and thinking it must surely be because he just wants to sit around in a chair his whole life (because that's what you really wish you could do if you could just find the excuse to)... that if you want something badly enough... blah blah blah. It's "I can get up, take a shower, brush my teeth, shave my face, make coffee, get to work, shuffle papers for 8 hours, get home, walk the dog, smack the kid, fuck the wife, eat dinner, watch Leno, and go to bed. Why can't you just do your fucking laundry? It's obviously because you want to get away with not doing it, because doing laundry sucks. I hate doing laundry. I never want to do laundy, but I manage. "
Why? Because I'm me, and you're you. I actually want to do my laundry, I just CAN'T.
Why can't you get your dick and balls cut off, your brains stirred with a screwdriver and just be a perky positive functional motivated person?
I digress.
I have two jobs. #1 - Don't kill myself. #2 - Don't kill anyone else.
...and I never get a day off.
Hello (21) - XVII
Damn music or tv or whatever it is didn't stop until 7AM. Really rude.
Really tired.
SlimFast
Really tired.
SlimFast
~Right and Wrong
I don't know that I'm the nicest guy in the world. I know that I can be, but I know that I can be a real asshole as well.
I've done a few things in my life that I feel pretty badly about doing. Stealing was a bit of a problem for me for a while. I used to work the door at Philly punk shows, for a while (in '84 or '85). I stole some money. I was found out. I was beyond ashamed. I think that I did actually pay back the money, although for the life of me I can't remember if I paid all of it back. It wouldn't surprise me if I didn't.
I'd like to think that it was the desperation of being a "runaway" at the time, but I know that's not true. I took it because I was a stupid kid with sticky fingers. To this day I feel like crap about it... especially because of where I was taking the money from. Chuck was a good guy. (To say nothing of where the money from the shows actually went and how important that was.) When I left home, I stayed with him and Tim and my friend Kyoko for a while. I paid him for the space, but he didn't have to let me stay there. Too, he worked his ass off to put on those shows. It was just really fucking wrong.
I bumped into Chuck a few years back at the Ruin reunion show. I approached him, and actually tried to apologize. He didn't even remember it happening. He almost didn't recognize me either (I changed a lot between 15 and 27 or 28), but eventually he did. He was cool to me, and that felt pretty good.
It's odd... I sort of idolized Chuck, I think. I think that in a way I still do.
I've done a few things in my life that I feel pretty badly about doing. Stealing was a bit of a problem for me for a while. I used to work the door at Philly punk shows, for a while (in '84 or '85). I stole some money. I was found out. I was beyond ashamed. I think that I did actually pay back the money, although for the life of me I can't remember if I paid all of it back. It wouldn't surprise me if I didn't.
I'd like to think that it was the desperation of being a "runaway" at the time, but I know that's not true. I took it because I was a stupid kid with sticky fingers. To this day I feel like crap about it... especially because of where I was taking the money from. Chuck was a good guy. (To say nothing of where the money from the shows actually went and how important that was.) When I left home, I stayed with him and Tim and my friend Kyoko for a while. I paid him for the space, but he didn't have to let me stay there. Too, he worked his ass off to put on those shows. It was just really fucking wrong.
I bumped into Chuck a few years back at the Ruin reunion show. I approached him, and actually tried to apologize. He didn't even remember it happening. He almost didn't recognize me either (I changed a lot between 15 and 27 or 28), but eventually he did. He was cool to me, and that felt pretty good.
It's odd... I sort of idolized Chuck, I think. I think that in a way I still do.
Wednesday, April 14, 2004
Links (5)
ok, please do not feel obligated to reply to anything written here, but always know that you're welcome to read. I just wanted to start something aside from the board that would be free of the stress... a place where I could just feel free to be myself, even if I'm being an asshole. I was actually thinking about keeping it completely private, but then realized that the way ~blog works, everyone registered can read everyone's blog... and that would include n. So... I told n. and you. I'm leaving it at that though, at least for now. I don't owe people here a damn thing (know what I mean?)
So.... here you go
10:01 PM
I did think about it.
If I didn't want you to read it, I wouldn't have posted you the link.
So.... here you go
10:01 PM
I did think about it.
If I didn't want you to read it, I wouldn't have posted you the link.
~Was thinking about names...
My "real" name is Jon, but even that's the third (legal) name I've gone by.
"Cutter" came from "Slasher", which is what the locals used to call me, or so I was told, when I was squatting in West Philly (4821 Baltimore, to be exact. on and off between '85 and '87 to not be). They didn't know us (us being the squatters and our friends) by name really, but they knew us by sight. I was always marked up. Either my (usually bald) head was blood speckled from a dull razor, or my white shirt sleeves were blood stained, or my arms were sliced to ribbons. "Slasher" was just a little too much for online, so I went with "Cutter". Same thing really.
I've had a few nicknames in my life, even before the joy of Internet screen names. Hardcore Scene-wise, in '83, Rory (wonder whatever happened to him) used to call me "little slammy".... I was little. I'm still little actually. Then there was the occasional "fuzzy" because of my bald head that I didn't shave every day. "Is that a boy or a girl?" was actually the most frequent phrase people used to refer to me. Above and beyond the majority of androgynous 80's freeks, people were pretty confused by me... even the other freeks. I looked like a little boy, but people said (and were told) I was a girl, and I was in the process of being told I was a girl by people (like my parents). As it turns out, I'm "Intersexed", but at the age of 15 coming out of a really abusive home... I didn't know too much about who (or what) I was... other than fucked up. I think that at one point I had "Orphan Edge" painted on my boots. Talk about the shoe fitting... Anyway, legally I'm an "M", and although my body is pretty different from the average guy's, I'm still as masculine as I've always been, just a little better off in the knowing what I am department.
but, back to names...
I'm not cut up as much anymore. I'm pretty scarred though. I'm a cutter... I've been a cutter for about 25 years or so.
...if the boot fits...
"Cutter" came from "Slasher", which is what the locals used to call me, or so I was told, when I was squatting in West Philly (4821 Baltimore, to be exact. on and off between '85 and '87 to not be). They didn't know us (us being the squatters and our friends) by name really, but they knew us by sight. I was always marked up. Either my (usually bald) head was blood speckled from a dull razor, or my white shirt sleeves were blood stained, or my arms were sliced to ribbons. "Slasher" was just a little too much for online, so I went with "Cutter". Same thing really.
I've had a few nicknames in my life, even before the joy of Internet screen names. Hardcore Scene-wise, in '83, Rory (wonder whatever happened to him) used to call me "little slammy".... I was little. I'm still little actually. Then there was the occasional "fuzzy" because of my bald head that I didn't shave every day. "Is that a boy or a girl?" was actually the most frequent phrase people used to refer to me. Above and beyond the majority of androgynous 80's freeks, people were pretty confused by me... even the other freeks. I looked like a little boy, but people said (and were told) I was a girl, and I was in the process of being told I was a girl by people (like my parents). As it turns out, I'm "Intersexed", but at the age of 15 coming out of a really abusive home... I didn't know too much about who (or what) I was... other than fucked up. I think that at one point I had "Orphan Edge" painted on my boots. Talk about the shoe fitting... Anyway, legally I'm an "M", and although my body is pretty different from the average guy's, I'm still as masculine as I've always been, just a little better off in the knowing what I am department.
but, back to names...
I'm not cut up as much anymore. I'm pretty scarred though. I'm a cutter... I've been a cutter for about 25 years or so.
...if the boot fits...
~old bitter fuck
this is one of the other things that added to my starting this today... this thing I wrote, about a year or so ago... thinking about it, and what it meant...
"I browsed your site today. namechangedtoprotectthein nocent.html I did like the site a lot, but it got my brain running, and so I figured I'd write you.
As a Philly "Old head", I think that one thing, above ALL ELSE needs to be understood/said. We had our share of "poseurs" in the 80's as well... the assholes from the burbs who would come in and shit in our squat, start fights at the shows... the "weekend punks" that flattened the sides of their hair and spiked the middle and called it a hawk, then went home to their moms and swimming pools and Docksiders.
I don't know jack shit about your scene, whether it be revived or brand new, but one thing that was said on your site is the key to ALL of it.
"When people get involved with something like hardcore, they think it is just the music...IT'S A WAY OF LIFE."
Most of the kids on your scene (as it was on my scene) are just that. Kids. Check back with them in 15 years or so and see where they're at then. That's when you'll find out who was who. It's not the guy who knows all the lyrics to all the songs and the names of all the bands and which member played in which one. It's not the guy with the coolest leather or the tallest hawk, or the largest collection of CDs. That's not the guy who isn't the poseur.
See that little freak sitting over there in the corner that you barely notice? That'll be the one who's LIVING it. In 15 years, that person will still be living it, if they're living at all... because once you get into the adult world, and it's not about how tall your hawk is anymore and a cool jacket doesn't pay the rent, you're forced to lose it or live a life that's little more than torture. Knowing the lyrics doesn't put a roof over your head in the winter... and when you hit about 40, no one wants you crashing on their floor anymore.
That little freak in the corner, the one who's at the show because it's the only place they have to go where they don't get the shit kicked out of them, the one who's living it, in 15 years you'll find people like them in jails, asylums, housing projects, and coffins. The world isn't made for Hardcore people. The world is made for sheep. If you're not a sheep and don't have a REALLY good run of good luck, your Hardcore ass will be pretty cold in the winter and keeping yourself from being locked up will become your only real job in life.
Today it's "cool", but tomorrow... it's COLD.
Yes, stay true to yourself... but there's a reason why they call it HARDcore. If you're not DAMN hard, you won't make it. You'll just be another Joe in a monkey suit who used to hang out with other kids who liked to stand out too.
See past all the noise and the colors. It's ABOUT something. It's about having a HARD CORE. "
"I browsed your site today. namechangedtoprotectthein nocent.html I did like the site a lot, but it got my brain running, and so I figured I'd write you.
As a Philly "Old head", I think that one thing, above ALL ELSE needs to be understood/said. We had our share of "poseurs" in the 80's as well... the assholes from the burbs who would come in and shit in our squat, start fights at the shows... the "weekend punks" that flattened the sides of their hair and spiked the middle and called it a hawk, then went home to their moms and swimming pools and Docksiders.
I don't know jack shit about your scene, whether it be revived or brand new, but one thing that was said on your site is the key to ALL of it.
"When people get involved with something like hardcore, they think it is just the music...IT'S A WAY OF LIFE."
Most of the kids on your scene (as it was on my scene) are just that. Kids. Check back with them in 15 years or so and see where they're at then. That's when you'll find out who was who. It's not the guy who knows all the lyrics to all the songs and the names of all the bands and which member played in which one. It's not the guy with the coolest leather or the tallest hawk, or the largest collection of CDs. That's not the guy who isn't the poseur.
See that little freak sitting over there in the corner that you barely notice? That'll be the one who's LIVING it. In 15 years, that person will still be living it, if they're living at all... because once you get into the adult world, and it's not about how tall your hawk is anymore and a cool jacket doesn't pay the rent, you're forced to lose it or live a life that's little more than torture. Knowing the lyrics doesn't put a roof over your head in the winter... and when you hit about 40, no one wants you crashing on their floor anymore.
That little freak in the corner, the one who's at the show because it's the only place they have to go where they don't get the shit kicked out of them, the one who's living it, in 15 years you'll find people like them in jails, asylums, housing projects, and coffins. The world isn't made for Hardcore people. The world is made for sheep. If you're not a sheep and don't have a REALLY good run of good luck, your Hardcore ass will be pretty cold in the winter and keeping yourself from being locked up will become your only real job in life.
Today it's "cool", but tomorrow... it's COLD.
Yes, stay true to yourself... but there's a reason why they call it HARDcore. If you're not DAMN hard, you won't make it. You'll just be another Joe in a monkey suit who used to hang out with other kids who liked to stand out too.
See past all the noise and the colors. It's ABOUT something. It's about having a HARD CORE. "
~The beginning
For the record, what caused me to start this "blog" today was a combination of things, but the final thought that did it?
I'm 34. I'm an adult. That whole concept, many days, freaks me the fuck out.
I'm 34. I'm an adult. That whole concept, many days, freaks me the fuck out.
Tuesday, April 13, 2004
mental vomit
I do keep journal entries here. They're in an invisible section though. Not that I write much, but I go in there to bitch and whine and moan about the state of my life every so often.
I've been sitting at a sort of crossroads in life for a few years now. It feels that way to me, anyway.
There's no better way to be anti-societal than to take yourself out of society. I did that, sort of. I've become more of a boil on its ass though. Even a boil on the ass is a part of the body though, so, in that, I'm still part of that which I despise.
I don't want to say that I took a wrong turn somewhere. I know that I'm where I'm at for a reason, and I have learned quite a bit from the path, but overall... I don't like where I'm at.
Once, I survived on nothing. Now, I'm having trouble surviving on a nice sized disability check. What the fuck is that all about? It makes me think of the whole bible thing... the "lead me not into temptation" stuff. That's what all of it is... all the stuff, and the bigger place to put the stuff.... the more you have, the more you want... the more you "need".
I keep trying to figure out where I took the wrong turn... keep thinking that if I could just get back there, I'd be fine. That train of thought usually leads to being suicidal though, because, in truth, things are all connected and from birth is where I have to start.
I have this board, which has basically turned into a sort of interactive "blog" for me. It's my journal, only people actually react to what I write. Nifty, but thinking of it as any sort of "community" is just completely stupid.
I'd like to have a life where I wake up and am able to ask myself "What do you want to do today?" as opposed to "How are we going to kill another 24 hours?". My life is basically about waiting to die, and that's just not too much fun.
When I grow up, I want to be...
I guess that all I wanted to be was "happy", but aside from a few moments, I haven't really attained that.
I don't know where I'm going with all of this. I was thinking about being young and going to shows... creating "hardcore" just by existing...
It ended for me, when? Maybe when I got locked up... maybe when I fell in love... maybe when I turned 18 and became afraid of jail.
What was it that ended? "Freedom" perhaps.
What happens to old punks?
You're lookin' at it.
Things used to mean something. Even what you did or didn't wear made a statement. The world... life was intense. They have pills for that now... and institutions.
You're not so much of a threat when you're a "minor".
I've been sitting at a sort of crossroads in life for a few years now. It feels that way to me, anyway.
There's no better way to be anti-societal than to take yourself out of society. I did that, sort of. I've become more of a boil on its ass though. Even a boil on the ass is a part of the body though, so, in that, I'm still part of that which I despise.
I don't want to say that I took a wrong turn somewhere. I know that I'm where I'm at for a reason, and I have learned quite a bit from the path, but overall... I don't like where I'm at.
Once, I survived on nothing. Now, I'm having trouble surviving on a nice sized disability check. What the fuck is that all about? It makes me think of the whole bible thing... the "lead me not into temptation" stuff. That's what all of it is... all the stuff, and the bigger place to put the stuff.... the more you have, the more you want... the more you "need".
I keep trying to figure out where I took the wrong turn... keep thinking that if I could just get back there, I'd be fine. That train of thought usually leads to being suicidal though, because, in truth, things are all connected and from birth is where I have to start.
I have this board, which has basically turned into a sort of interactive "blog" for me. It's my journal, only people actually react to what I write. Nifty, but thinking of it as any sort of "community" is just completely stupid.
I'd like to have a life where I wake up and am able to ask myself "What do you want to do today?" as opposed to "How are we going to kill another 24 hours?". My life is basically about waiting to die, and that's just not too much fun.
When I grow up, I want to be...
I guess that all I wanted to be was "happy", but aside from a few moments, I haven't really attained that.
I don't know where I'm going with all of this. I was thinking about being young and going to shows... creating "hardcore" just by existing...
It ended for me, when? Maybe when I got locked up... maybe when I fell in love... maybe when I turned 18 and became afraid of jail.
What was it that ended? "Freedom" perhaps.
What happens to old punks?
You're lookin' at it.
Things used to mean something. Even what you did or didn't wear made a statement. The world... life was intense. They have pills for that now... and institutions.
You're not so much of a threat when you're a "minor".
Monday, April 12, 2004
Hello (21) - XIII - XV
1:37 AM
I called. Having a REALLY bad night.
Spent a while on the phone with the shrink... narrowly escaping lock up.
Managed to talk with your mom for a few.. laughing about mop dog.
Not doing well
not at all
3:34 AM
still up
doing my job
not killing myself
not killing anyone else
woohoo
2:31 PM
Sorry I made you worry so much.
It was a really rough night. Spent the day in bed trying to sleep. I unplugged the phone because sleeping was really difficult.
Hopefully we'll talk soon.
I called. Having a REALLY bad night.
Spent a while on the phone with the shrink... narrowly escaping lock up.
Managed to talk with your mom for a few.. laughing about mop dog.
Not doing well
not at all
3:34 AM
still up
doing my job
not killing myself
not killing anyone else
woohoo
2:31 PM
Sorry I made you worry so much.
It was a really rough night. Spent the day in bed trying to sleep. I unplugged the phone because sleeping was really difficult.
Hopefully we'll talk soon.
Green Day - Platypus
Your rise and fall
Back up against the wall
What goes around is coming back and haunting you
It's time to quit
Cause you ain't worth the shit
Under my shoes or the piss on the ground
No one loves you and you know it
Don't pretend that you enjoy it or you don't care
Cause now I wouldn't lie or tell you all the things you want
to hear.
I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU
I heard your sick
Sucked on that cancer stick
A throbbing tumor and a radiation high
Shit out of luck
And now your time is up
It brings me pleasure just to know your going to die
Dickhead, Fuckface, cock smoking, mother fucking, asshole, dirty twat, waste of semen, I hope you die HEY
Red eye, code blue
I'd like to strangle you
And watch your eyes bulge right out of your skull
When you go down
Head first into the ground
I'll stand above you just to piss on your grave
Back up against the wall
What goes around is coming back and haunting you
It's time to quit
Cause you ain't worth the shit
Under my shoes or the piss on the ground
No one loves you and you know it
Don't pretend that you enjoy it or you don't care
Cause now I wouldn't lie or tell you all the things you want
to hear.
I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU
I heard your sick
Sucked on that cancer stick
A throbbing tumor and a radiation high
Shit out of luck
And now your time is up
It brings me pleasure just to know your going to die
Dickhead, Fuckface, cock smoking, mother fucking, asshole, dirty twat, waste of semen, I hope you die HEY
Red eye, code blue
I'd like to strangle you
And watch your eyes bulge right out of your skull
When you go down
Head first into the ground
I'll stand above you just to piss on your grave
Sunday, April 11, 2004
Hello (21) - XII
Worked out. Shower time.
Guess that maybe I'll knock on (my neighbor's) door afterwards.
Guess that maybe I'll knock on (my neighbor's) door afterwards.
Holidays
They're the worst. It's really difficult to get past the sitting around feeling sorry for myself point. I envy other people... I know that it's not a Norman Rockwell painting... I know that it can get pretty harrowing....but... it's family. Not the "family" that will be in the surgical waiting area when you're found beat to within an inch of your life family, not wedding and funeral family, but the family who says "You make me nuts, but you're family" family. The people who could go/are welcome elsewhere, but they don't, because you're supposed to be with family.
I don't have that. I want that, but I don't have it. I'm always the stranger at the table. "Poor Jon" who has nowhere else to go.
I feel like a stray dog...
I don't have that. I want that, but I don't have it. I'm always the stranger at the table. "Poor Jon" who has nowhere else to go.
I feel like a stray dog...
Hello (21) - XI
Not sure what I'm doing. Didn't get to sleep until after 4, and then just kept waking up until about an hour ago or so when I got out of bed.
(My neighbor) invited me over, but I don't know if it was just her "being nice" or if she'd really appreciate me being there.
I'm going to think on it, I guess. I might. I don't know.
Post when the family start drizzling out. (Hope that you all have a nice day. :) )
(My neighbor) invited me over, but I don't know if it was just her "being nice" or if she'd really appreciate me being there.
I'm going to think on it, I guess. I might. I don't know.
Post when the family start drizzling out. (Hope that you all have a nice day. :) )
Quote of the Day (11)
"Education is what survives when what has been learned has been forgotten."
-B. F. Skinner
-B. F. Skinner
April 11, 2004
I'm beyond depressed. I'm drinking too much again. That doesn't help. I know that. I just can't seem not to though. ...combination of boredom, depression, anxiety, and simple alcoholism.
Life sucks, then you toast it.
Life sucks, then you toast it.
Saturday, April 10, 2004
Hello (21) - X
My computer's on, but all I'm doing is pacing and talking to myself.
Would love to talk if/when you're up for it.
Would love to talk if/when you're up for it.
Your Calling (2)
I'm still lost on this.
The last (tarot) card I drew on it was the 10 of Swords. Led me to think that "my calling" was whatever it was that was torturing me. That is, after all, what calls the loudest... that which tortures you.
The last (tarot) card I drew on it was the 10 of Swords. Led me to think that "my calling" was whatever it was that was torturing me. That is, after all, what calls the loudest... that which tortures you.
Quote of the Day (10)
"The last time somebody said, 'I find I can write much better with a word processor.', I replied, 'They used to say the same thing about drugs.'"
-Roy Blount, Jr.
-Roy Blount, Jr.
Hello (21) - IX
11 beers later
still up
chuckling because the gotta go guy next to the "11 beers later" makes WAY too much sense *lol*
Inboxed the DID board Admin to try to find out what's up with Hv. I'm really worried at this point. :(
...can we win the lottery now?
still up
chuckling because the gotta go guy next to the "11 beers later" makes WAY too much sense *lol*
Inboxed the DID board Admin to try to find out what's up with Hv. I'm really worried at this point. :(
...can we win the lottery now?
Friday, April 9, 2004
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