~the number you have reached

Going into the hospital tomorrow. I guess that means that I won't be around for a while.

Be nice to each other. ;)

(leave a message at the sound of the tone)


beeeeeeeeeep

~in the name of

Got my cane yesterday. It's pretty cool, for a cane. It's all black, and offset. Plenty of room for stickers. I'm thinking maybe a few skulls, or just a sticker that says "If you can read this, you'd better duck."

I've yet to give it a name. I know damn well what I'll call the wheelchair, once I graduate to it, but not the cane. (Well, DUH! CHAIRY, of course!)

---

(I posted as a comment to the entry 4:46pm)

T.L. might work. (Third Leg) :D

031705 ~ comment replies

(11:43pm)
Basically, they're going to pump me full of Solu Medrol (Methylprednisolone sodium succinate) and hope that it un-does some of the damage that the MS is currently doing. It's a 5 day IV course, and then after that, they might put me on oral prednisone for a bit. I did a 3 day IV, followed by an 11 day oral, back in December, but it didn't halt the flare up... just slowed it a little. :\ I hope it brings my right eye back again. That certainly would be a comfort. Thanks for the well wishes. :)

(11:54pm)
actually, I should say (instead of un-does the damage, because the damage can't be un-done) that it will stop the MS from progressing... I think that it's about stopping the disease from continuing to eat away at my brain. I'm still a little confused about all of it. All I know is that last time, after the 14 day course, I could see better out of my right eye. The problem is that after that, it crawled its way back to AAAAAAAAACK!!!! I'M BLIND!!!!!!! :\

~long after the thrill of living is gone

It looks like Monday is going to work best for going into the hospital. I'm a little scared, but I suppose I'll just have to deal. I fell twice today. My left knee just, basically, gave me the (proverbial) finger while I was trying to walk. Going to get a cane tomorrow. If nothing else, I can whack people's shins with it if they laugh at me while I'm on my ass.

... life goes on

~days

Talked to my Neurologist today. He wanted me to come into the hospital tomorrow. I'm trying to wait until the weekend. I figure a few days won't make a difference. I want time to get my shit together before I go. I'll have to stay in the hospital for about 5 days. Too, I'd at least like to have my friend there with me while I'm being admitted. That's a little more difficult to do during the week.

I'm freaking out a little.

Please forgive my poor writing.

031605 ~ comment reply

I'm not completely alone, and for that I'm truly grateful. My best friend, and her family have opened their hearts and their home to me. Without them, I'd have been dead last December. Doing MS, completely alone, is just not possible. I owe them my life. Your words of support and caring are invaluable. Thank you.

031505 ~ comment reply

I do appreciate your thoughts. If it was just the sight thing, I might be able to handle it, but it's a whole lot of things... things that I'm already handling, and things to come. My legs are already going. The pain is pretty constant. I don't have much of a life, quality or no. Sorry I'm not more positive. I'm just tired of all of it. I've done more than my time.

~pensive

Judging by the last eye "flare up", I've got about a week until the eye is completely blind. For now, I still see some light. I can read the screen with my left eye, but that one is going too.

I'm a little scared. I'm scared of a lot of things about this. I'm not wanting to be in the hospital. I'm hoping that I can avoid it somehow.

I don't know that I'd call myself suicidal, but I'm pretty close. In all honesty, I'd rather be dead than blind. My life revolves around my eyes. I wasn't born blind. Adapting is just not an option for me.

I spend a lot of time, recently, thinking about reincarnation... hoping that maybe, if that's what happens, I'll get an easier go of it in the next life. I'll welcome that. This one has just been beyond rough.

Next on the MS bandwagon (cont'd 6)

Things are not going well in MSville. My right eye is about gone again, and my left leg is going too.

Still waiting on news concerning financial assistance for Rx stuff.

Life isn't much fun.

~...but wait! There's more!

The eyesight is going again, along with my left leg. I don't know how much I'll be able to blog. I'll probably have to be admitted for another course of steroids to see if it will do any good.

I'm not happy about this.

~F YOU

These drug blogs are pissing me the fuck off!!!!!!!

~Act Like You Know!

If you want me to stick up for you, your FAT ASS, and your FLUORESCENT HAIR, you sure as shit better stick up for my INVISIBALLS.

GET IT?!?!?!?

No?

How's this?

Different is Different. If you want me to back up your right to be who you are, you best return the favor. You're not HARDCORE, or even respectable, because you have the latest ManicPanic colored hair. You're Hardcore and/OR respectable because you reserve the right to express and be yourself, and defend my (and everyone else's!) right to do the same.

Now, what was that comment about the "LESBO"?!?!?!?! ?!?

031105 reply to ~comment

Letting go of someone who hurt you is easy... getting over being hurt is the tough part. :\ Thanks for the well wishes. :)

~Killing Time

Life is overwhelming. I know that I have to take things one day at a time, but it's difficult to do. Days are long, and there's not much I really can do. I spend a lot of time in bed. Staying awake is difficult, staying asleep is difficult. When my eyes let me, I write or watch tv. Once I find out whether or not I qualify for Rx assistance, I can get some meds for the sleep/wake thing, the nausea, and for the pain which just doesn't respond to over the counter stuff. I'm pretty screwed with a lot of things. I've looked at canes, but my pride is getting in the way there. I'd rather keep colliding with walls. I guess it says something about society, that I'd rather appear drunk than "handicapped".

MS aside, I'm dealing with the anger and the rage that are there from my latest REALLY big mistake. Eventually it'll die down. Eventually I'll stop giving that (insert obscenity here) who fucked with my head, my heart, and my life the pleasure of knowing she did. Really, she doesn't even deserve a sentence on my blog. I'm out of the situation. I have to hang onto that. I may not have a pot to piss in, but I'm not there, I'm not in jail, and there are still a few people who do actually care about me... despite how I was required to treat them over the last half of '04. I think that I gave her enough already. Actually, being that I either gave her, or gave up for her, just about everything I had, giving even more energy is something I have to manage to stop doing. That energy is about all I have left to go on right now.

Maybe, once I'm back on my feet, even if i have to use a cane, I'll be able to just let it go.

030605 ~blog comment reply

I'm beyond bitter. My life was destroyed. I trusted. I lost. BIG time. Perhaps, one day, I'll heal.

~...and one more thing

Thank your god for your children. It's because of them that you breathe.

~sue me

ok, so I have some anger to deal with.

I'm entitled.

~More Anger

Yes
Yes
Whatever.
The truth.

You're pathetic.

You're an idiot.

You're ignorant.

Fools are never understood.

I'd rather lash you with a sledgehammer.

Holy water = piss, when it comes to you.

You are REPULSIVE.


and I ran, I ran so far away...


better that than use your skull for a piss bucket. It'd be a waste of piss.

BITCH

~Top five, or so

I was going to go into detail with this, the whys and hows, but I think that I'll keep it brief.

I spend a lot of time writing about what ails me, so...

Top 5 things that make my life worth living:

1. Those near and dear (My brother and my best friend)
2. My "vices" (smoking and drinking)
3. Air Conditioning
4. The Internet
5. Television

(honorable mentions: Sushi, optional privacy, and the ability to get myself off)


Life is nothing but hell, unless one can find bits of heaven every now and again.