There are certain moments in life that seem so much more real and vivid than the rest.
Last night, sitting on the can in a local Go-Go bar, while drunk man after drunk man came in, used the urinal, and peripherally saw me sitting there feeling like a complete idiot, was one of those moments.
There's nothing like people seeing you on the can to force the reality of life down your unwilling throat.
Life sucks,
...then you flush.
Saturday, December 29, 2001
Friday, December 28, 2001
Love/Hate (like a hole in the head)
I went through a period where I tried and tried with my mother... and forgave and forgave. Something happens when you hit about 20... all of a sudden you start seeing your parents in a different light... at least that's been my experience, through observation of self and others. Eventually though, I just came to the realization that I needed MY mother like I need a hole in the head.
Some of the qualities I feel that I sometimes need in a person, or qualities that I am attracted to, are qualities which I never saw in my own mother, and some of them are ones which I did. That might just be a case of people seeking out that which they lack or that which they desire to conquer... I don't know.
What I find most attractive in a woman is "will"... and intelligence. The upper-class, career woman type who has her life together and who is so incredibly willful that she'll let nothing get in her way of getting where she wants to go. I don't see my mother as someone like that... I see her as someone who always wanted to be someone like that.
Maybe it is just a case of me wanting my mommy... the mommy I expected to have, but never got.
Some of the qualities I feel that I sometimes need in a person, or qualities that I am attracted to, are qualities which I never saw in my own mother, and some of them are ones which I did. That might just be a case of people seeking out that which they lack or that which they desire to conquer... I don't know.
What I find most attractive in a woman is "will"... and intelligence. The upper-class, career woman type who has her life together and who is so incredibly willful that she'll let nothing get in her way of getting where she wants to go. I don't see my mother as someone like that... I see her as someone who always wanted to be someone like that.
Maybe it is just a case of me wanting my mommy... the mommy I expected to have, but never got.
Sunday, December 23, 2001
Resolutions
It's funny... yet not... The main people I wish would post on that board probably won't.
When it comes down to it, I really don't care what these people think of me... that's really not what this is about. What gets me riled are the threats... the direct ones and the implied ones.
Something tells me that this won't get resolved. I don't care enough about them to put out the effort to "win them over", and to them, I'm not a real person. It's all a game to them, not "real". The Internet is a toy, not an extention of the world, to them.
I wish that I could see it that way, but I can't. Perhaps it's because I don't even see the people in front of my face as "real". It's all some sort of illusion... but that's the thing, whether the illusion is online or off, I try to be a good person in it. I guess that although some people try to be "good" in the reality they dub "real", they stop when they think no one is looking.
Maybe that's what the whole "God" thing is about. Someone came up with the concept of "God" so that people would at least try to be good.... because "God" is always watching.
My head is swimming a bit today... many thoughts are wrapped around many other thoughts.
When it comes down to it, I really don't care what these people think of me... that's really not what this is about. What gets me riled are the threats... the direct ones and the implied ones.
Something tells me that this won't get resolved. I don't care enough about them to put out the effort to "win them over", and to them, I'm not a real person. It's all a game to them, not "real". The Internet is a toy, not an extention of the world, to them.
I wish that I could see it that way, but I can't. Perhaps it's because I don't even see the people in front of my face as "real". It's all some sort of illusion... but that's the thing, whether the illusion is online or off, I try to be a good person in it. I guess that although some people try to be "good" in the reality they dub "real", they stop when they think no one is looking.
Maybe that's what the whole "God" thing is about. Someone came up with the concept of "God" so that people would at least try to be good.... because "God" is always watching.
My head is swimming a bit today... many thoughts are wrapped around many other thoughts.
Monday, December 17, 2001
The thrill is gone
Did you ever get to a point where you want to start all over?
I keep thinking about that... changing my name and trying again. From day 1, my private board/community was doomed because of all the baggage that came along with it. Enemies were already made, drama was already there.
I miss the way it felt a couple of years back, when everything was new, and "Follows Ravens" was an unknown. Now, the name has so much baggage attached to it that I can't post anywhere without crap following me. A year ago it was bad. Now, it's past bad. It just plain sucks. At this point, if another person is caught posting on one of my boards, they're immediately swarmed upon by quite a few people in order to get them to stop posting. I really don't feel like dealing with that anymore.
I think that what makes boards work is a common interest. This private board/community is now a group of friends, talking away. This is good, but I've lost (we've all lost?) one of the benefits of having a board, and that is meeting new people and learning from/teaching them. There's no easy way to bring new people in here now. The ones we know we can trust are already here. The rest either already have a grudge, or would feel slighted if they knew they were doubted and kept out for a month. No one new would feel comfortable coming in here. We already know one another. It'd be like walking into someone else's family reunion.
I'm at a loss. I'm not sure what to do.
There's a board (which I've recently come across) that I'd love "mirror". I'd love to have a board just like it...
I think that part of what makes that board look/seem interesting is that there's a common interest, and a steady flow of new members. The new members part is tough though. That means opening the board up to kids... and that can get pretty nerve wracking.
Anyway... How do we recapture what was lost? Is it possible? What is our "common interest"? Is anyone else interested in attempting to start fresh?
I keep thinking about that... changing my name and trying again. From day 1, my private board/community was doomed because of all the baggage that came along with it. Enemies were already made, drama was already there.
I miss the way it felt a couple of years back, when everything was new, and "Follows Ravens" was an unknown. Now, the name has so much baggage attached to it that I can't post anywhere without crap following me. A year ago it was bad. Now, it's past bad. It just plain sucks. At this point, if another person is caught posting on one of my boards, they're immediately swarmed upon by quite a few people in order to get them to stop posting. I really don't feel like dealing with that anymore.
I think that what makes boards work is a common interest. This private board/community is now a group of friends, talking away. This is good, but I've lost (we've all lost?) one of the benefits of having a board, and that is meeting new people and learning from/teaching them. There's no easy way to bring new people in here now. The ones we know we can trust are already here. The rest either already have a grudge, or would feel slighted if they knew they were doubted and kept out for a month. No one new would feel comfortable coming in here. We already know one another. It'd be like walking into someone else's family reunion.
I'm at a loss. I'm not sure what to do.
There's a board (which I've recently come across) that I'd love "mirror". I'd love to have a board just like it...
I think that part of what makes that board look/seem interesting is that there's a common interest, and a steady flow of new members. The new members part is tough though. That means opening the board up to kids... and that can get pretty nerve wracking.
Anyway... How do we recapture what was lost? Is it possible? What is our "common interest"? Is anyone else interested in attempting to start fresh?
Sunday, December 16, 2001
-Any more questions?-
When I say don't trust someone, or I say something negative about them, it's not because I'm a mean person. The ones I seem to single out... I do that for a reason. The reason is that I really don't like seeing people I care about being hurt. If I keep my mouth shut, and then someone gets hurt, it's as much my fault as it is the person doing the hurting.
The IQ test and my aching brain
Here's a good example of what I've been trying to explain in my recent posts.
Remember the car question from that IQ test... About how far apart the cars are?
The actual answer to that question is that it's impossible to tell... but you're forced to give the answer they want to hear. If you give the "real" answer, (which you'd have to do by not answering the question, because the "real" answer is not listed as an option), your IQ score would drop. Sort of odd, being that in order to figure out the actual answer to the question you'd (in my opinion) have to be a bit more intelligent.
The "real" answer would depend on a gazillion things...
Was there an earthquake?
Did one car drop into the ocean?
Was one car in reverse?
Did one of the cars hit a patch of ice and end up going in another direction?
They don't give you this information, and they're not specific enough for you to really determine the answer.
This is what my head does with every question I'm asked... so... what do I do? Tell people what they want to hear.
Anyway... the reason why I didn't list my score was because when I do, certain people suddenly have higher scores than I know they actually got. I don't know why people need to be so damn competitive, but I figure if I keep my own score private, some of those people will actually post the score they really got. I don't mind telling you people (It was 140), but if I'd posted it at (my public board/community), I guarantee that quite a few 150s would have suddenly appeared.
...enough of my rant.
IQ tests suck dookie.
Remember the car question from that IQ test... About how far apart the cars are?
The actual answer to that question is that it's impossible to tell... but you're forced to give the answer they want to hear. If you give the "real" answer, (which you'd have to do by not answering the question, because the "real" answer is not listed as an option), your IQ score would drop. Sort of odd, being that in order to figure out the actual answer to the question you'd (in my opinion) have to be a bit more intelligent.
The "real" answer would depend on a gazillion things...
Was there an earthquake?
Did one car drop into the ocean?
Was one car in reverse?
Did one of the cars hit a patch of ice and end up going in another direction?
They don't give you this information, and they're not specific enough for you to really determine the answer.
This is what my head does with every question I'm asked... so... what do I do? Tell people what they want to hear.
Anyway... the reason why I didn't list my score was because when I do, certain people suddenly have higher scores than I know they actually got. I don't know why people need to be so damn competitive, but I figure if I keep my own score private, some of those people will actually post the score they really got. I don't mind telling you people (It was 140), but if I'd posted it at (my public board/community), I guarantee that quite a few 150s would have suddenly appeared.
...enough of my rant.
IQ tests suck dookie.
looking back (more)
(and if I could go back?)
Honestly, knowing myself, it wouldn't change a thing. First off, I knew the facts then, as well as I do now. Talking to me would not have caused me to let those facts sink in any more than they did then. Think back a bit... Since when do I ever listen to anyone? I was/am much too stubborn to let the words of another influence me to much of a degree... unless she happens/happened to be my "girlfriend".
Even if things changed a bit... "I" really don't think that "I" would be a different "me". I'd just have the memory of some guy who claimed to be me attempting to gain access into the apartment.
Funny thing/odd thing is (taking this to a whole new level), that actually happened. I've done the traveling, and remember my own presence there. There's a bit of a difference between actual time travel and Astral travel though. I was there when the old me threw out that writing. I was too much of a mess to listen. I forgive myself for it, and I also know that things happen for a reason. The decisions I made at that time, right before moving to KY, were among the most critical of my entire life. I did what I had to do, but despite that, it wasn't painless. It's not that I shouldn't have thrown out the writing... it's just that I regret having to do it.
I could get into this more... but I just don't know if 1. people will understand what I'm saying and 2. I can articulate it well enough.
Yes, I wish that I could go back.
Yes, I HAVE gone back.
My wishing that I can go back is the only thing that put me there in the first place. If I didn't wish that I could go back now, I wouldn't have been there in the first place then.
(and, to clarify further...)
...there is no history.
The truth is that there's no past, no future... it's all one moment.
Think of parallel universes.... each universe consisting of one nanosecond. They all exist at the same time... but when you travel from one to another, you think that there's a such thing as "time".
Welcome to the Astral world.
Honestly, knowing myself, it wouldn't change a thing. First off, I knew the facts then, as well as I do now. Talking to me would not have caused me to let those facts sink in any more than they did then. Think back a bit... Since when do I ever listen to anyone? I was/am much too stubborn to let the words of another influence me to much of a degree... unless she happens/happened to be my "girlfriend".
Even if things changed a bit... "I" really don't think that "I" would be a different "me". I'd just have the memory of some guy who claimed to be me attempting to gain access into the apartment.
Funny thing/odd thing is (taking this to a whole new level), that actually happened. I've done the traveling, and remember my own presence there. There's a bit of a difference between actual time travel and Astral travel though. I was there when the old me threw out that writing. I was too much of a mess to listen. I forgive myself for it, and I also know that things happen for a reason. The decisions I made at that time, right before moving to KY, were among the most critical of my entire life. I did what I had to do, but despite that, it wasn't painless. It's not that I shouldn't have thrown out the writing... it's just that I regret having to do it.
I could get into this more... but I just don't know if 1. people will understand what I'm saying and 2. I can articulate it well enough.
Yes, I wish that I could go back.
Yes, I HAVE gone back.
My wishing that I can go back is the only thing that put me there in the first place. If I didn't wish that I could go back now, I wouldn't have been there in the first place then.
(and, to clarify further...)
...there is no history.
The truth is that there's no past, no future... it's all one moment.
Think of parallel universes.... each universe consisting of one nanosecond. They all exist at the same time... but when you travel from one to another, you think that there's a such thing as "time".
Welcome to the Astral world.
Friday, December 14, 2001
looking back
Ever since I could hold a pen and form a sentence, I've been writing.
When I was about 18 or 19, I decided to attempt to distance myself from my past. Along with many other things I got rid of, I got rid of all my writing... except for 2 journals. All my childhood diaries and journals, stories, papers, notes, letters, and 2 binders full of letters I'd written to my High School girlfriend that were returned to me (She didn't want evidence. I guess it was nicer than throwing them out.) went to the trash.
To this day, I've never recovered from the loss. It is about the only thing I can say that I regret.
Because of that regret, I've become obsessive. I save everything now... every bar napkin, every e-mail, every journal... I'm working on toning it down a little... trying not to be as obsessive, but it's not working all that well.
I started a project a few years ago. Putting it all in order. It's tough to keep up with. Along with the thousands of pages of old writing I have to copy, print, or just interfile, every day I write even more. I'm, maybe 2/3 of the way there. I currently have 8,550 pages in order, and about 1500 more waiting to be interfiled. On top of that, there are about 5,000 or so more (rough estimate) that need to be copied by hand, Xeroxed, or printed before they go into the binders.
The toughest part is the older stuff. There's an old journal that has to be copied by hand because of the size of the pages. It was written in 1987. Reading it is like a painful shrink session.
It's odd. Even though I knew that I was mature for my age, I don't know that I really believed it 100%. Reading back... Even I feel sorry for that old self. I was an adult in the body of a kid. When I read those old entries, I want to find a time machine so that I can go back in time and talk to myself for a while. Answer some of the questions, reassure my old self that "it's not that you're crazy, it's that no one else can understand you because most of them are less mature than you are". I think I'd also warn that self not to throw out the old writing too.
I can't imagine having to be a "kid" again. I can only assume that early maturity has something to do with a person's soul. It was tough enough this time around, now I have yet another life under my belt. I don't know that I could make it. I nearly didn't this time. The thought of being reincarnated, at this point, is a little worrisome. I'm REALLY fucking tired. Can I get a break? There must be somewhere to exist that isn't painful. I know that growth hurts... but after this, can I get a break from growing? Just for a while?
I want to fight for that kid... the one who wrote that journal. I want to make it so that he doesn't have to hurt as badly as he does... so that his head isn't swimming... so that he can smile a little more. I don't know that I can do that though. I wanted that just as badly then as I do now, and I knew just as much. It sucks that awareness is so painful, but that's the way it is. I'm pretty sure it'll be that way again, if we do come back.
When I was about 18 or 19, I decided to attempt to distance myself from my past. Along with many other things I got rid of, I got rid of all my writing... except for 2 journals. All my childhood diaries and journals, stories, papers, notes, letters, and 2 binders full of letters I'd written to my High School girlfriend that were returned to me (She didn't want evidence. I guess it was nicer than throwing them out.) went to the trash.
To this day, I've never recovered from the loss. It is about the only thing I can say that I regret.
Because of that regret, I've become obsessive. I save everything now... every bar napkin, every e-mail, every journal... I'm working on toning it down a little... trying not to be as obsessive, but it's not working all that well.
I started a project a few years ago. Putting it all in order. It's tough to keep up with. Along with the thousands of pages of old writing I have to copy, print, or just interfile, every day I write even more. I'm, maybe 2/3 of the way there. I currently have 8,550 pages in order, and about 1500 more waiting to be interfiled. On top of that, there are about 5,000 or so more (rough estimate) that need to be copied by hand, Xeroxed, or printed before they go into the binders.
The toughest part is the older stuff. There's an old journal that has to be copied by hand because of the size of the pages. It was written in 1987. Reading it is like a painful shrink session.
It's odd. Even though I knew that I was mature for my age, I don't know that I really believed it 100%. Reading back... Even I feel sorry for that old self. I was an adult in the body of a kid. When I read those old entries, I want to find a time machine so that I can go back in time and talk to myself for a while. Answer some of the questions, reassure my old self that "it's not that you're crazy, it's that no one else can understand you because most of them are less mature than you are". I think I'd also warn that self not to throw out the old writing too.
I can't imagine having to be a "kid" again. I can only assume that early maturity has something to do with a person's soul. It was tough enough this time around, now I have yet another life under my belt. I don't know that I could make it. I nearly didn't this time. The thought of being reincarnated, at this point, is a little worrisome. I'm REALLY fucking tired. Can I get a break? There must be somewhere to exist that isn't painful. I know that growth hurts... but after this, can I get a break from growing? Just for a while?
I want to fight for that kid... the one who wrote that journal. I want to make it so that he doesn't have to hurt as badly as he does... so that his head isn't swimming... so that he can smile a little more. I don't know that I can do that though. I wanted that just as badly then as I do now, and I knew just as much. It sucks that awareness is so painful, but that's the way it is. I'm pretty sure it'll be that way again, if we do come back.
Thursday, December 13, 2001
Sorta proves my point.
Now, can you tell that I actually booted everyone but 10?
(my private board/community) stats:
12/12/01 Visits 529 Posts 60
12/11/01 Visits 507 Posts 66
12/10/01 Visits 418 Posts 51
12/9/01 Visits 314 Posts 38
12/8/01 Visits 239 Posts 33
12/7/01 Visits 417 Posts 42
12/6/01 Visits 761 Posts 39
12/5/01 Visits 527 Posts 49
12/4/01 Visits 727 Posts 45
12/3/01 Visits 395 Posts 28
12/2/01 Visits 595 Posts 42
12/1/01 Visits 584 Posts 65
(my new public board - online community) CREATED
11/30/01 Visits 675 Posts 42
11/29/01 Visits 611 Posts 50
11/28/01 Visits 674 Posts 54
11/27/01 Visits 1127 Posts 36
11/26/01 Visits 1090 Posts 65
11/25/01 Visits 863 Posts 51
11/24/01 Visits 804 Posts 70
11/23/01 Visits 641 Posts 47
11/22/01 Visits 540 Posts 43
11/21/01 Visits 562 Posts 31
11/20/01 Visits 725 Posts 62
11/19/01 Visits 666 Posts 44
11/18/01 Visits 381 Posts 24
11/17/01 Visits 465 Posts 34
11/16/01 Visits 618 Posts 30
11/15/01 Visits 628 Posts 30
11/14/01 Visits 804 Posts 54
...and it's not that we've been posting more, it's that the rest of them weren't posting in the first place.
(Sort of paraphrasing myself from 1/6/01)-
...but I'd rather have a site with 10 members and 3 good posts a day, than a site with 3,000 members - most of whom are spewing crap.
(my private board/community) stats:
12/12/01 Visits 529 Posts 60
12/11/01 Visits 507 Posts 66
12/10/01 Visits 418 Posts 51
12/9/01 Visits 314 Posts 38
12/8/01 Visits 239 Posts 33
12/7/01 Visits 417 Posts 42
12/6/01 Visits 761 Posts 39
12/5/01 Visits 527 Posts 49
12/4/01 Visits 727 Posts 45
12/3/01 Visits 395 Posts 28
12/2/01 Visits 595 Posts 42
12/1/01 Visits 584 Posts 65
(my new public board - online community) CREATED
11/30/01 Visits 675 Posts 42
11/29/01 Visits 611 Posts 50
11/28/01 Visits 674 Posts 54
11/27/01 Visits 1127 Posts 36
11/26/01 Visits 1090 Posts 65
11/25/01 Visits 863 Posts 51
11/24/01 Visits 804 Posts 70
11/23/01 Visits 641 Posts 47
11/22/01 Visits 540 Posts 43
11/21/01 Visits 562 Posts 31
11/20/01 Visits 725 Posts 62
11/19/01 Visits 666 Posts 44
11/18/01 Visits 381 Posts 24
11/17/01 Visits 465 Posts 34
11/16/01 Visits 618 Posts 30
11/15/01 Visits 628 Posts 30
11/14/01 Visits 804 Posts 54
...and it's not that we've been posting more, it's that the rest of them weren't posting in the first place.
(Sort of paraphrasing myself from 1/6/01)-
...but I'd rather have a site with 10 members and 3 good posts a day, than a site with 3,000 members - most of whom are spewing crap.
Wednesday, December 12, 2001
The 12 days of presents!
(12/11/01 7:10pm)
Tell Sandy Claws what you want on each day. He'll spend the given amount of money, but sorry, Sandy won't give you the cash (or bonds or stocks or stuff like that), but gift certificates are ok, provided you tell him what you're using the gift certificate for, and that all the gifts are for you and only you. (He's like that Genie, giving only three wishes and demanding that you can't wish for more wishes.)
Day one, Sandy will spend $1 - $5 (American money, because Sandy is currency impaired) on you.
Day 2 - $5 - $15
Day 3 - $15 - $25
Day 4 - $25 - $50
Day 5 - $50 - $100
Day 6 - $100 - $500
Day 7 - $500 - $1,000
Day 8 - $1,000 - $5,000
Day 9 - $5,000 - $10,000
Day 10 - $10,000 - $25,000
Day 11 - $25,000 - $75,000
Day 12 - $75,000 - $100,000
1- 5 Super6 lottery tickets please (one a week for 5 weeks)
2 - One case of Miller Lite (30 pack - cans)
3 - A new Zippo lighter (something with a skull on it would be nice)
4 - Cigarettes please, 13 packs of American Spirit Medium box
5 - Sushi dinner
6 - Gift certificate - Borders. I need a lot of books on home improvement, and I wouldn't mind a CD or two.
7 - Gift certificate - Sears (I could really use some shelves... and a new Winter coat... maybe a bed?)
8 - Gift certificate - Staples. I need computer shtuff, and a desk chair.
9 - Doctors fees for fixing my skin
10 - Gift Certificate - Sam Ashe (stuff to put in the home studio I'll build)
11 - Gift certificate - Home Depot (stuff to build up the fixer upper I'll be able to get for under 100K)
12 - Home in NE Philly - close to shopping and transportation, single home, basement, in ground pool, fixer upper (if necessary).
Tell Sandy Claws what you want on each day. He'll spend the given amount of money, but sorry, Sandy won't give you the cash (or bonds or stocks or stuff like that), but gift certificates are ok, provided you tell him what you're using the gift certificate for, and that all the gifts are for you and only you. (He's like that Genie, giving only three wishes and demanding that you can't wish for more wishes.)
Day one, Sandy will spend $1 - $5 (American money, because Sandy is currency impaired) on you.
Day 2 - $5 - $15
Day 3 - $15 - $25
Day 4 - $25 - $50
Day 5 - $50 - $100
Day 6 - $100 - $500
Day 7 - $500 - $1,000
Day 8 - $1,000 - $5,000
Day 9 - $5,000 - $10,000
Day 10 - $10,000 - $25,000
Day 11 - $25,000 - $75,000
Day 12 - $75,000 - $100,000
1- 5 Super6 lottery tickets please (one a week for 5 weeks)
2 - One case of Miller Lite (30 pack - cans)
3 - A new Zippo lighter (something with a skull on it would be nice)
4 - Cigarettes please, 13 packs of American Spirit Medium box
5 - Sushi dinner
6 - Gift certificate - Borders. I need a lot of books on home improvement, and I wouldn't mind a CD or two.
7 - Gift certificate - Sears (I could really use some shelves... and a new Winter coat... maybe a bed?)
8 - Gift certificate - Staples. I need computer shtuff, and a desk chair.
9 - Doctors fees for fixing my skin
10 - Gift Certificate - Sam Ashe (stuff to put in the home studio I'll build)
11 - Gift certificate - Home Depot (stuff to build up the fixer upper I'll be able to get for under 100K)
12 - Home in NE Philly - close to shopping and transportation, single home, basement, in ground pool, fixer upper (if necessary).
Tuesday, December 11, 2001
Love/Hate (The definition of "abuse".)
...sort of branches into yet another topic, the definition of "abuse".
For starters, I think that what makes abuse "abuse" is what is behind the action (or lack thereof), as opposed to the action itself.
For example, if I slap my kid after he spits in my face, that's not abuse, that is (can be) a human reaction. If I slap him because he ran out in front of a car, that is (can be) discipline. If I slap my kid because I knocked over my bottle of whiskey, that's abuse.
Were my parents abusive? Yes, but not because of their disciplinary actions, or even their human reactions.
Do I fear them? No. Once you know what a person can do to you, and once you know that you can survive it, there's nothing left to fear. It is the unknown which we fear.
For starters, I think that what makes abuse "abuse" is what is behind the action (or lack thereof), as opposed to the action itself.
For example, if I slap my kid after he spits in my face, that's not abuse, that is (can be) a human reaction. If I slap him because he ran out in front of a car, that is (can be) discipline. If I slap my kid because I knocked over my bottle of whiskey, that's abuse.
Were my parents abusive? Yes, but not because of their disciplinary actions, or even their human reactions.
Do I fear them? No. Once you know what a person can do to you, and once you know that you can survive it, there's nothing left to fear. It is the unknown which we fear.
Monday, December 10, 2001
Love/Hate
I'm not afraid of my mother, but I am afraid of myself while around my mother. Mucho Homocidal/Suicidal shtuff goin' on there.
Anyway... what was being discussed earlier (about being afraid of ones mother) sort of makes me think on the subject of the love/hate relationship... and also about why some people cannot leave the ones who hurt them the most (abusive relationships). Do you think it's easier to leave an abusive spouse than an abusive parent? Do you think that some people seek out a spouse that mirrors one parent or the other? ...become one parent or the other?
Anyway... what was being discussed earlier (about being afraid of ones mother) sort of makes me think on the subject of the love/hate relationship... and also about why some people cannot leave the ones who hurt them the most (abusive relationships). Do you think it's easier to leave an abusive spouse than an abusive parent? Do you think that some people seek out a spouse that mirrors one parent or the other? ...become one parent or the other?
Sunday, December 9, 2001
Doubting Thomas (it kept going)
(for example...)
If I refuse to accept the fact that all Jews aren't conniving, it follows that by my definition, a Jew is a conniving person. If I believe this way, I would fall into the category of "closed minded", because I refuse to accept other people's definitions of what a "Jew" is and adhere to my own.
If I say that some Jews are conniving, but so are some other people who aren't Jews... and as well, being Jewish has nothing to do with being conniving, and vice versa, that would make me a bit more open minded than in the example above.
So - set definitions = closed minded, and loose, adaptable definitions = open minded.
So, let's picture a line. (This is polarizing, and I hate doing it, but I'm really trying hard to get you to understand what I'm saying here. )
At the beginning of the line is the closed minded person. As you move along the line, people are more and more open minded.
What is at the other end of the line?
Apparently I am.
There is no such thing as a Jew. There is no such thing as conniving. You can't define either one.
The more open your mind is/becomes, the more you realize that nothing can be defined.
I had trouble writing this. None of it makes any sense... I'm trying to speak "your language", but I keep getting tripped up. Hopefully you can make, at least, a little sense out of it.
If I refuse to accept the fact that all Jews aren't conniving, it follows that by my definition, a Jew is a conniving person. If I believe this way, I would fall into the category of "closed minded", because I refuse to accept other people's definitions of what a "Jew" is and adhere to my own.
If I say that some Jews are conniving, but so are some other people who aren't Jews... and as well, being Jewish has nothing to do with being conniving, and vice versa, that would make me a bit more open minded than in the example above.
So - set definitions = closed minded, and loose, adaptable definitions = open minded.
So, let's picture a line. (This is polarizing, and I hate doing it, but I'm really trying hard to get you to understand what I'm saying here. )
At the beginning of the line is the closed minded person. As you move along the line, people are more and more open minded.
What is at the other end of the line?
Apparently I am.
There is no such thing as a Jew. There is no such thing as conniving. You can't define either one.
The more open your mind is/becomes, the more you realize that nothing can be defined.
I had trouble writing this. None of it makes any sense... I'm trying to speak "your language", but I keep getting tripped up. Hopefully you can make, at least, a little sense out of it.
Saturday, December 8, 2001
Doubting Thomas (yet more)
This is about communicating with others. Of course it's important for them to understand what I'm saying! It's all about how people are interpretting what I'm saying!
The problem is that I cannot express myself to others... not that I have problems with what I believe in, or how others think of me.
("If people turn away from you because thay don't understand you, and are unwilling to ask for clarification if they don't undersatand, then they are not worth having in your life, at least not in your intellectual life.")
It's not that people are turning away... that's not a problem for me. If someone turns away from me (with VERY few exceptions), good riddance! People think they know what I'm saying... but they really don't... and people won't ask for clarification on something they think they already understand.
The problem is that I cannot express myself to others... not that I have problems with what I believe in, or how others think of me.
("If people turn away from you because thay don't understand you, and are unwilling to ask for clarification if they don't undersatand, then they are not worth having in your life, at least not in your intellectual life.")
It's not that people are turning away... that's not a problem for me. If someone turns away from me (with VERY few exceptions), good riddance! People think they know what I'm saying... but they really don't... and people won't ask for clarification on something they think they already understand.
Doubting Thomas (cont'd)
It's fogginess... yet it's not.
It's tough to put into words... (it's not easy putting things into words when the problem is that you can't put things into words )
I think that it might best be explained by first discussing the difference between what you consider to be "open minded" and "closed minded". My problem comes in once you take the concept of "open mindedness" and follow it through to its logical end point.
I can't define anything. Nothing is "definable". The only definitions I have are the definitions of others, and being that there are a gazillion others, there's no one definition for anything... hence, I can't say anything that is both truthful and accurate. I can't express myself. In order to be understood and also not feel like a liar or hypocrite, I have to say even simple sentences a billion different ways.. and even then I still feel like a hypocrite because many of those ways contradict one another.
When I speak/write I always feel like a liar, so I attempt to find ways of phrasing things in order to avoid that. Attempting to do that makes even a short sentence mentally grueling. It happens more with answering questions than with asking them. If I answer a question, I have to give my opinion... but yet I have to give my opinion in the other person's language. Most of the time, if I use their language, my answer is contradictory to my own belief. This makes me a liar. If I ask a question, it's a little easier. I just ask it in their language... though it's more difficult on a board, when I have to ask the question 50 different ways in order to get people to understand what it is I'm asking... but it's still easier than attempting to state my opinion on something.
Closed minded people have set definitions of things. Open minded people don't. The problem is that my mind is so open that I can't even speak anymore without it feeling like I'm going against my own personal beliefs. One on one, I can give people the answers they want to hear, but those answers are lies. I can state what I consider to be true, but either people think I'm saying something other than what I'm saying, or they don't understand at all, because everyone is speaking different languages.
On top of all of that, there's the fact that most people don't say what they mean in the first place. They say what they've been taught to say. The only reason I know what they mean is because I've been cursed with this empathy thing.
I have a feeling I'm still not getting my point across.
It's tough to put into words... (it's not easy putting things into words when the problem is that you can't put things into words )
I think that it might best be explained by first discussing the difference between what you consider to be "open minded" and "closed minded". My problem comes in once you take the concept of "open mindedness" and follow it through to its logical end point.
I can't define anything. Nothing is "definable". The only definitions I have are the definitions of others, and being that there are a gazillion others, there's no one definition for anything... hence, I can't say anything that is both truthful and accurate. I can't express myself. In order to be understood and also not feel like a liar or hypocrite, I have to say even simple sentences a billion different ways.. and even then I still feel like a hypocrite because many of those ways contradict one another.
When I speak/write I always feel like a liar, so I attempt to find ways of phrasing things in order to avoid that. Attempting to do that makes even a short sentence mentally grueling. It happens more with answering questions than with asking them. If I answer a question, I have to give my opinion... but yet I have to give my opinion in the other person's language. Most of the time, if I use their language, my answer is contradictory to my own belief. This makes me a liar. If I ask a question, it's a little easier. I just ask it in their language... though it's more difficult on a board, when I have to ask the question 50 different ways in order to get people to understand what it is I'm asking... but it's still easier than attempting to state my opinion on something.
Closed minded people have set definitions of things. Open minded people don't. The problem is that my mind is so open that I can't even speak anymore without it feeling like I'm going against my own personal beliefs. One on one, I can give people the answers they want to hear, but those answers are lies. I can state what I consider to be true, but either people think I'm saying something other than what I'm saying, or they don't understand at all, because everyone is speaking different languages.
On top of all of that, there's the fact that most people don't say what they mean in the first place. They say what they've been taught to say. The only reason I know what they mean is because I've been cursed with this empathy thing.
I have a feeling I'm still not getting my point across.
Friday, December 7, 2001
(still) Doubting Thomas
As usual, and this is the problem in the first place, I can't seem to get people to understand what it is I'm actually saying. It's not that I don't know how to write, or even that writing takes any sort of effort. It's the lack of mental clarity. It ties into what I was attempting to say in that "Squaring The Circle" thread. It's just NOT like "riding a bicycle" (as you are trying to suggest)... although I really can't think up a good enough analogy to use.
Questions for vamps/weres/other (respectively)
(- I would like to hear what your definition is of what you are...in your opinion not another's
- I would like to know when you first realized/understood what you were and how
- I would like to know what being what you are entails..as in what do you do that makes you what you are)
In my opinion... that's so damn tough recently. I don't know what my opinions are anymore... or... maybe I just can't seem to verbalize them. Everything is truth. Everything is a lie. I believe nothing and everything.
I'm not sure what I am. Part of me thinks that I must be pretty different than most other "people". I don't see other people struggling like I do. People struggle, but... it's a different sort of struggle. I don't know if it's that I'm more evolved, less evolved, or if it's just a normal human condition to feel like you're an alien.
I've always felt this way... from day one. I've searched for appropriate labels so that I can attempt to explain myself to other people... but none seem accurate. Even the ones I once thought worked, don't anymore. From talking to others who call themselves "Vampires", I realize that label doesn't fit if I want people to understand me. The same thing with the "Were" label.
Am I human? I don't know. Most often, when I come in contact with others who call themselves "human", I know that I can't be. I just don't know if I'm superhuman or subhuman. Whatever the case though, I really wish I knew whether or not there is a mother ship coming to pick me up. I'm not ashamed of being an alien, and I don't really want to become "human". I just wish there were a few more aliens around to commiserate with.
- I would like to know when you first realized/understood what you were and how
- I would like to know what being what you are entails..as in what do you do that makes you what you are)
In my opinion... that's so damn tough recently. I don't know what my opinions are anymore... or... maybe I just can't seem to verbalize them. Everything is truth. Everything is a lie. I believe nothing and everything.
I'm not sure what I am. Part of me thinks that I must be pretty different than most other "people". I don't see other people struggling like I do. People struggle, but... it's a different sort of struggle. I don't know if it's that I'm more evolved, less evolved, or if it's just a normal human condition to feel like you're an alien.
I've always felt this way... from day one. I've searched for appropriate labels so that I can attempt to explain myself to other people... but none seem accurate. Even the ones I once thought worked, don't anymore. From talking to others who call themselves "Vampires", I realize that label doesn't fit if I want people to understand me. The same thing with the "Were" label.
Am I human? I don't know. Most often, when I come in contact with others who call themselves "human", I know that I can't be. I just don't know if I'm superhuman or subhuman. Whatever the case though, I really wish I knew whether or not there is a mother ship coming to pick me up. I'm not ashamed of being an alien, and I don't really want to become "human". I just wish there were a few more aliens around to commiserate with.
Wednesday, December 5, 2001
Best movies ever
What movies would you pick to show if you had a willing audience for the day and access to any and all movies ever made?
If I were to run the projector, for a movie day for my board members, in an attempt to both enlighten and entertain us all, this would be the schedule:
The pre-lunch movie will be Fight Club (One of the most accurate MPD flicks ever). We will then have our lunch and debate the ending. At about 2PM we will be seeing Harold and Maude (I cannot say anything about this movie that might even remotely come close to expressing my love for it.), followed by some snax and conversation. Around 4PM, we're going to be seeing Same Time Next Year. (The BEST "Chick-flick" of all time!) Afterwards, we'll go to dinner and stare longingly at one another. Post-dinner, you will be viewing The Last Temptation Of Christ whilst I politely excuse myself and retire to the bar.
After the films, y'all can meet me there and, at the least, have a much better understanding of FR.
Hey! Look! Up there on the bar tv!!! It's The Nightmare Before Christmas!!!!
If I were to run the projector, for a movie day for my board members, in an attempt to both enlighten and entertain us all, this would be the schedule:
The pre-lunch movie will be Fight Club (One of the most accurate MPD flicks ever). We will then have our lunch and debate the ending. At about 2PM we will be seeing Harold and Maude (I cannot say anything about this movie that might even remotely come close to expressing my love for it.), followed by some snax and conversation. Around 4PM, we're going to be seeing Same Time Next Year. (The BEST "Chick-flick" of all time!) Afterwards, we'll go to dinner and stare longingly at one another. Post-dinner, you will be viewing The Last Temptation Of Christ whilst I politely excuse myself and retire to the bar.
After the films, y'all can meet me there and, at the least, have a much better understanding of FR.
Hey! Look! Up there on the bar tv!!! It's The Nightmare Before Christmas!!!!
Favorite books
What are your top 10 favorite books of all time?
Wuthering Heights - Bronte
The Hunger - Strieber
Fables of Aesop
Insomnia - King
Celestine Prophecy - Redfield
The Lorax - Dr. Seuss
Illusions by Richard Bach
Demian - Hesse
The Satanic Bible - LaVey
The Merck Manual (Sorry! HAD to toss this one in!)
Wuthering Heights - Bronte
The Hunger - Strieber
Fables of Aesop
Insomnia - King
Celestine Prophecy - Redfield
The Lorax - Dr. Seuss
Illusions by Richard Bach
Demian - Hesse
The Satanic Bible - LaVey
The Merck Manual (Sorry! HAD to toss this one in!)
I find these stats to be pretty telling.
12/4/01 Visits 727 Posts 45
12/3/01 Visits 395 Posts 28
12/2/01 Visits 595 Posts 42
12/1/01 Visits 584 Posts 65
11/30/01 Visits 675 Posts 42
11/29/01 Visits 611 Posts 50
11/28/01 Visits 674 Posts 54
11/27/01 Visits 1127 Posts 36
Not that I didn't know that no one was posting and the bunch of us were the only ones really putting the time and energy into (my board - this online community) (not counting maybe 2 others), but shit! I deleted everyone except 10 of us, and only 7 of us are actually posting right now... and there's basically NO change in the number of posts... not to mention, we're also responsible for most of what's over at (my new public board - online community) as well.
(my new public board - online community):
12/5/01 Visits 37 Posts 4
12/4/01 Visits 366 Posts 40
12/3/01 Visits 844 Posts 66
12/2/01 Visits 583 Posts 37
12/1/01 Visits 448 Posts 34
*sighs*
(My board - online community) Totals Summary:
since 10/27/00
Visits: 221226 Posts: 19441 (that there's a LOT of readin'!)
12/3/01 Visits 395 Posts 28
12/2/01 Visits 595 Posts 42
12/1/01 Visits 584 Posts 65
11/30/01 Visits 675 Posts 42
11/29/01 Visits 611 Posts 50
11/28/01 Visits 674 Posts 54
11/27/01 Visits 1127 Posts 36
Not that I didn't know that no one was posting and the bunch of us were the only ones really putting the time and energy into (my board - this online community) (not counting maybe 2 others), but shit! I deleted everyone except 10 of us, and only 7 of us are actually posting right now... and there's basically NO change in the number of posts... not to mention, we're also responsible for most of what's over at (my new public board - online community) as well.
(my new public board - online community):
12/5/01 Visits 37 Posts 4
12/4/01 Visits 366 Posts 40
12/3/01 Visits 844 Posts 66
12/2/01 Visits 583 Posts 37
12/1/01 Visits 448 Posts 34
*sighs*
(My board - online community) Totals Summary:
since 10/27/00
Visits: 221226 Posts: 19441 (that there's a LOT of readin'!)
Tuesday, December 4, 2001
hurting
Listening to "Whatever's For Us"... "It Could Have Been Better"...
I think of my "dad"...
I miss him... a lot...
Things I really want to do...
Watch football games
Listen to Joan's CDs
Eat pizza
play cards
just be in the same room.
I really DO love you.
Don't know what that means.
I think of my "dad"...
I miss him... a lot...
Things I really want to do...
Watch football games
Listen to Joan's CDs
Eat pizza
play cards
just be in the same room.
I really DO love you.
Don't know what that means.
Saturday, December 1, 2001
(some board stress)
At the moment, I don't know how much longer I'm keeping (my board) open. I'm sort of tired of having people spit in my face when I bust my ass for them.
Even now, I'm giving (someone) what he wanted. He prides himself on being banned from boards. I guess he can add this one to his list.
I've got some thinking to do.
(12/1/01 3:23 am)
I'm really pretty tired of this shit. For over a year now, I've done nothing but run this board, try to make people happy, do people favors, look the other way, try to keep things interesting, deal with people's attitude problems, be as nice as I can to people, bite my tongue, and keep (my board) a fun place to be. I'm tired. Tired of being slapped in the face, tired of trying to get people to post, tired of coming up with topic after topic and reply after reply... just fucking tired.
I could really use some input right about now.
(12/1/01 2:58 pm)
Just a warning here. Things are about to get A LOT different in the next day or so. Please keep an eye on your e-mail and whatever the case, don't take anything personally. I'm just too fried to deal with much right now, and I'm attempting to save what I can of this board, rather than breaking up what's left of the "family".
Even now, I'm giving (someone) what he wanted. He prides himself on being banned from boards. I guess he can add this one to his list.
I've got some thinking to do.
(12/1/01 3:23 am)
I'm really pretty tired of this shit. For over a year now, I've done nothing but run this board, try to make people happy, do people favors, look the other way, try to keep things interesting, deal with people's attitude problems, be as nice as I can to people, bite my tongue, and keep (my board) a fun place to be. I'm tired. Tired of being slapped in the face, tired of trying to get people to post, tired of coming up with topic after topic and reply after reply... just fucking tired.
I could really use some input right about now.
(12/1/01 2:58 pm)
Just a warning here. Things are about to get A LOT different in the next day or so. Please keep an eye on your e-mail and whatever the case, don't take anything personally. I'm just too fried to deal with much right now, and I'm attempting to save what I can of this board, rather than breaking up what's left of the "family".
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
