It's been a while since I actually cut. I'm pretty sure this is the longest it's been cut free since... I don't know... before high school? It's been over a year now since the last cut fest. Not that it couldn't happen tomorrow, but it's interesting that it's been this long. I don't want to analyze it too much, nor do I want anything along the lines of "praise", because that has the opposite effect on me ("What are you rebelling against?" "What've you got?"), but it crossed my mind last night while watching "Tough Crowd" and they were talking (briefly) about cutting.
I do know 2 things for sure about cutting. 1) It's addictive and 2) it's contagious. Too many people I've met started cutting after they met me. Even the idea is poisonous.
I'm not looking to plant any ideas in the minds of the terminally bored here. I'm just talking about what I feel like talking about. This is my blog, and I'll talk about whatever I want to talk about... or need to. I've spent the last 5 years tip toeing online while watching most people be complete assholes. It's my turn to talk now. If people don't like it, they can go elsewhere. It's a big Internet.
Deep down inside, I'm a complete asshole. Less and less it is that I feel like pretending to be nice.
Thursday, April 29, 2004
Wednesday, April 28, 2004
~Up yet down
Can't sleep. Head is all over the place.
Salem's Lot is on my tv. I'm not watching it. It's background noise.
Been playing Populous. I'm rather addicted. It's my favorite computer game. It's an OCD (or anal retentive) person's wet dream, once you have the cheat code. ...rows and rows of houses... piles of wood... shape the land... even better than Tetris.
Been doing a little better with the beer. A little. Tonight I'm drinking, but yesterday I didn't.
There's something very relaxing about playing Populous and drinking beers. The head gets a break... things are calm for a while. ...shift of gears from the earlier therapy session and the watching of Law & Order SVU. Nothing like people who have no clue attempting to handle the issue of the right to commit suicide. Made me very angry. NBC has been getting really Right Wing lately. Even E.R. has pissed me off.
T.V.
I've watched more T.V. in the last 2 years than I ever wanted to watch in my whole life.
...We've got nothing better to do......
Salem's Lot is on my tv. I'm not watching it. It's background noise.
Been playing Populous. I'm rather addicted. It's my favorite computer game. It's an OCD (or anal retentive) person's wet dream, once you have the cheat code. ...rows and rows of houses... piles of wood... shape the land... even better than Tetris.
Been doing a little better with the beer. A little. Tonight I'm drinking, but yesterday I didn't.
There's something very relaxing about playing Populous and drinking beers. The head gets a break... things are calm for a while. ...shift of gears from the earlier therapy session and the watching of Law & Order SVU. Nothing like people who have no clue attempting to handle the issue of the right to commit suicide. Made me very angry. NBC has been getting really Right Wing lately. Even E.R. has pissed me off.
T.V.
I've watched more T.V. in the last 2 years than I ever wanted to watch in my whole life.
...We've got nothing better to do......
042804 ~comment reply
Fucking pathetic some people in the psychiatric and addiction services call themselves professional.
(my reply -)
The problem is that "professional" doesn't mean anything other than "I could afford a degree." :\
...or, "I went into debt for one." :\
Basically... in my opinion... degrees don't mean much. It's a piece of paper that you buy.
What do you call a doctor that had a C average?
"Doctor"
(my reply -)
The problem is that "professional" doesn't mean anything other than "I could afford a degree." :\
...or, "I went into debt for one." :\
Basically... in my opinion... degrees don't mean much. It's a piece of paper that you buy.
What do you call a doctor that had a C average?
"Doctor"
Tuesday, April 27, 2004
042704 ~comment reply
I was diagnosed with DDNOS (dissociative disorder not otherwise specified), the diagnosis then switched to bipolar, then I was dumped in a drug ward and accused of being on drugs and drunk when I wasn't. That was my first introduction into mental health care, so I developed a tremendous mistrust for psychiatry. My experience in being detoxed actually felt like a big marketing ploy on how I should take paxil to keep me from my addictions that I didn't have in the first place. Even though Paxil itself can be dangerous and highly addictive.
I do dissociate. Spacing out, (which is what dissociation basically is) in a major way sometimes helps me cope. Dissociation does not mean you're crazy. I do not have DID, or MPD either.
Dealing with depression and anger is a daily battle I face as well. I do have some info on dissociation on my blog if you are interested.
(my reply -)
I appreciate the offer. :)
I was diagnosed in '94. I know more about the damn disorder than the shrinks do at this point. :\
Meds don't help, they actually are pretty dangerous... for me, anyway.
I'd rather self medicate with beer than be a drooling idiot like they would have me. They've had me on everything from Thorazine to Xanax.
Do drugs. Don't do drugs. Do drugs. Don't do drugs. It's a bunch of crap. They don't even know how these psych meds work, or even if they do. (My opinion is that they don't.)
I do dissociate. Spacing out, (which is what dissociation basically is) in a major way sometimes helps me cope. Dissociation does not mean you're crazy. I do not have DID, or MPD either.
Dealing with depression and anger is a daily battle I face as well. I do have some info on dissociation on my blog if you are interested.
(my reply -)
I appreciate the offer. :)
I was diagnosed in '94. I know more about the damn disorder than the shrinks do at this point. :\
Meds don't help, they actually are pretty dangerous... for me, anyway.
I'd rather self medicate with beer than be a drooling idiot like they would have me. They've had me on everything from Thorazine to Xanax.
Do drugs. Don't do drugs. Do drugs. Don't do drugs. It's a bunch of crap. They don't even know how these psych meds work, or even if they do. (My opinion is that they don't.)
~DID and me
What is DID?
Well, for starters, it's a whole shit load of a better way to say that your head is fucked up than MPD. MPD gives people images of Sybil and someone bordering on Regan from the Exorcist. Sidran (Sidran.org) puts it this way:
"Recently considered rare and mysterious psychiatric curiosities, Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) (previously known as Multiple Personality Disorder-MPD) and other Dissociative Disorders are now understood to be fairly common effects of severe trauma in early childhood, most typically extreme, repeated physical, sexual, and/or emotional abuse."
I might add, kids do NOT have DID. They may be in the process of developing DID, but it is an adult disorder. Shoot, even with "normal" people the one personality doesn't solidify until the twenties.
Do I have DID? Well, the papers on file say I do. I suppose that if there's a such thing as DID, then I do actually have it. I've just met a lot of people who say they have DID who are completely full of shit. Lots of kids online pretending (boy does that ever piss me the fuck off) and attention seeking.
I have the stuff in my childhood to make for DID. I have the stuff in my adulthood to make for PTSD. I hate labels though... especially ones that make me a damn freak. I even have (extended) "family" who are so afraid of me that I've been cut out of their lives entirely.
I don't know what to call what's "wrong" with me. The docs picked DID and PTSD. I just know that my brain works differently than most other people's do. I'd be ok with that, except for that it keeps me from working, and that makes me nuts sometimes (pun intended). Most people think that not working would be wonderful. I'll tell you what, it's not a damn vacation. I'd give anything to be able to work again. Actually, even after being put on disability I kept trying to work. Finally, in '99 I was threatened with being locked up (again) if I didn't stop trying. So, I stopped trying (to work, anyway). You have no idea what it does to your self esteem... how worthless you end up feeling. Between not working and the stigma that goes along with being "mentally ill"... well, it's no picnic. Add that to the actual effects of the "disorder"? It's really difficult to maintain any self esteem at all.
My therapist says that I'm a "survivor". I roll my eyes at that. Survive what? Life? As if just about everyone else on the planet isn't doing a much better job of that than I am! Half the time I'm hiding from the world, the other half I'm protecting the world from myself.... it all comes down to me being fucked in the head... paranoid, suicidal, homicidal, violent, confused, lost, self destructive, delusional...
If I blame my parents, I want to kill them. If I blame myself, I want to kill myself. If I blame no one, it still doesn't change my reality, and that reality is often just downright torturous.
I do have my good days, and I've spent years getting to the point where I can tell when I'm about to "go off". I still do go off though, and depression and rage are still just about daily states of being. My living situation doesn't help, and not having a family sucks pretty bad too. Still, I try. I keep trying. I'll keep trying until I'm dead, I suppose. A "normal" life... as normal as possible, that is... is something I'd like to have one day. In the meanwhile, I'd settle for an abnormal one in which I can enjoy myself every now and again. I've become so bitter and miserable I can hardly stand myself most days.
Maybe, if I ever make it home...
Well, for starters, it's a whole shit load of a better way to say that your head is fucked up than MPD. MPD gives people images of Sybil and someone bordering on Regan from the Exorcist. Sidran (Sidran.org) puts it this way:
"Recently considered rare and mysterious psychiatric curiosities, Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) (previously known as Multiple Personality Disorder-MPD) and other Dissociative Disorders are now understood to be fairly common effects of severe trauma in early childhood, most typically extreme, repeated physical, sexual, and/or emotional abuse."
I might add, kids do NOT have DID. They may be in the process of developing DID, but it is an adult disorder. Shoot, even with "normal" people the one personality doesn't solidify until the twenties.
Do I have DID? Well, the papers on file say I do. I suppose that if there's a such thing as DID, then I do actually have it. I've just met a lot of people who say they have DID who are completely full of shit. Lots of kids online pretending (boy does that ever piss me the fuck off) and attention seeking.
I have the stuff in my childhood to make for DID. I have the stuff in my adulthood to make for PTSD. I hate labels though... especially ones that make me a damn freak. I even have (extended) "family" who are so afraid of me that I've been cut out of their lives entirely.
I don't know what to call what's "wrong" with me. The docs picked DID and PTSD. I just know that my brain works differently than most other people's do. I'd be ok with that, except for that it keeps me from working, and that makes me nuts sometimes (pun intended). Most people think that not working would be wonderful. I'll tell you what, it's not a damn vacation. I'd give anything to be able to work again. Actually, even after being put on disability I kept trying to work. Finally, in '99 I was threatened with being locked up (again) if I didn't stop trying. So, I stopped trying (to work, anyway). You have no idea what it does to your self esteem... how worthless you end up feeling. Between not working and the stigma that goes along with being "mentally ill"... well, it's no picnic. Add that to the actual effects of the "disorder"? It's really difficult to maintain any self esteem at all.
My therapist says that I'm a "survivor". I roll my eyes at that. Survive what? Life? As if just about everyone else on the planet isn't doing a much better job of that than I am! Half the time I'm hiding from the world, the other half I'm protecting the world from myself.... it all comes down to me being fucked in the head... paranoid, suicidal, homicidal, violent, confused, lost, self destructive, delusional...
If I blame my parents, I want to kill them. If I blame myself, I want to kill myself. If I blame no one, it still doesn't change my reality, and that reality is often just downright torturous.
I do have my good days, and I've spent years getting to the point where I can tell when I'm about to "go off". I still do go off though, and depression and rage are still just about daily states of being. My living situation doesn't help, and not having a family sucks pretty bad too. Still, I try. I keep trying. I'll keep trying until I'm dead, I suppose. A "normal" life... as normal as possible, that is... is something I'd like to have one day. In the meanwhile, I'd settle for an abnormal one in which I can enjoy myself every now and again. I've become so bitter and miserable I can hardly stand myself most days.
Maybe, if I ever make it home...
Monday, April 26, 2004
042604 ~comment reply
God, at least you know what to expect - and stick the alarm clock on tone so you don't wake up to Sonny and Cher.
(my reply -)
Alarm clocks are evil. I don't use mine unless it's an EXTREME emergency, and even then I usually wake up before it goes off (benefits of a sleep disorder). I think that it's really unhealthy to not wake up "naturally".
(my reply -)
Alarm clocks are evil. I don't use mine unless it's an EXTREME emergency, and even then I usually wake up before it goes off (benefits of a sleep disorder). I think that it's really unhealthy to not wake up "naturally".
Sunday, April 25, 2004
~Groundhog Day
I often compare my life to that movie. It's the same damn day over and over and over again.
Thing is, in the movie, there was a reward once you did it "right". I feel like I've had the same day for the last 4 years. I haven't got it "right" yet?!
Don't drive angry!
Thing is, in the movie, there was a reward once you did it "right". I feel like I've had the same day for the last 4 years. I haven't got it "right" yet?!
Don't drive angry!
Saturday, April 24, 2004
~Braindead
I don't seem to have much intelligent to say. Nothing but bitching, whining and moaning is wanting to come out of my mouth/fingertips.
Thursday, April 22, 2004
~The state of my life
The worst of the detox symptoms should be gone by tonight. Last night, I even had a short burst of energy. Figures tonight I have my session, and there's nothing that makes me want to drink quite like that. There's just something about sitting there complaining for an hour and realizing that there's really nothing that can be done that brings on quite the case of the "no points".
Well, once I get the waistline back down to where it isn't threatening my pants, I'll be free to drink away. There's just no way I want to spend money on clothing on top of spending money on beer. Last year I did actually explode out of my jeans and had to run crying to WalMart. True, at 30, you start growing sideways, but this was a bit over the edge. I'd ended up with a 38" waist. (I should be a 30") That's what a 12 pack a day and no activity will get you. (No, the poor man's diet of Mac & Cheese didn't help, but it was the beer, primarily. A 12 pack or so a day for about 4 years will do it.) Woke me up when I went to the doctor and weighed in at 170. I'm 5' 6". Bad. I won't even touch the subject of my blood pressure or cholesterol.
Anyway, I kicked my own ass and lost 25 - 30 lbs, and shrank my gut back to 33.5". That was according to last month. This week, the tape measure was creeping up to 35", so... beer break... at least until I can get back to the point of being able to work out. If I can work out, it's not such a big deal. If I'm back to being a floor mat, not good.
I never thought I'd have to be concerned with crap like this. I'd lived off of Ramen and Malt liquor, and had no real weight problems for 15 years. Then I met the suburbs.
What the hell kind of sense does it make to design a town without sidewalks??!!?!?!?!?!?
I'm beyond wanting to get the hell out of here, I NEED to get out of here. I don't belong here. I was born in Philly. I grew up in Philly. Philly is my home.
Here's the short version:
Head trouble.
Cocaine addiction.
Suicide play.
Run.
Rent increase.
Friend steps in.
Live with friend (&her husband, her daughter, 3 cats, and 1 dog, with me in an 8' x 8' room and no easy way to get out of the house... stopping here.)
Get on Government Housing plan.
Friend ready to strangle me after a year and a half.
Take first available apartment.
Officially trapped in the burbs for 3.5 years and counting.
Now, before you go tossing out ideas...
I am legally disabled. I cannot work. I cannot drive. I survive on my disability check and get assistance with my rent. I do not have any family other than a younger half-brother, 13 years my junior. (He takes me to the store every other week or so.) I have a doctor and a therapist. No, medication will not make me better. Sunshine, hugs and Jesus make me want to rip people's heads off, so don't even.
That said...
I need to get the fuck out of here. Being here has lead me to 2 suicide attempts, poor health, solitude and disintegrating social skills, and increasing rage. I'm ready to burn this building down and spend the rest of my life in lock up just to get out.
No, that's not an imminent threat, but it does cross my mind on a daily basis. I've been in this apartment for 2 years now. My downstairs neighbors can't control the volume of their tvs and stereos. The walls are paper thin. The complex has more kids than Sesame Street has had in it's 34 years combined. The ceiling leaks and contains mold that causes nose bleeds. The floor is sinking and the roof dipping. (Nice carpets though, and no roaches!) On top of this, my next door neighbor (although a very sweet woman) is a rather frequent cocaine user. My downstairs neighbor is an ex-con with (from what I briefly saw) a beautiful SS tattoo across his back and a serious love of country music. The neighbor diagonal is a voluntarily repressed lesbian (no, this is not a guess, it's actually the case) who is a pro-life churchee with 3 very unhappy, usually screaming, kids. The school bus picks all the kids from the entire complex up right outside the door to my building, so they feel that my building is their playground. Neither door to the building locks because of being ripped open continuously. Last year there was a murder, 2 apartments down from me.
My disability? PTSD/DID.
This is hell.
Well, once I get the waistline back down to where it isn't threatening my pants, I'll be free to drink away. There's just no way I want to spend money on clothing on top of spending money on beer. Last year I did actually explode out of my jeans and had to run crying to WalMart. True, at 30, you start growing sideways, but this was a bit over the edge. I'd ended up with a 38" waist. (I should be a 30") That's what a 12 pack a day and no activity will get you. (No, the poor man's diet of Mac & Cheese didn't help, but it was the beer, primarily. A 12 pack or so a day for about 4 years will do it.) Woke me up when I went to the doctor and weighed in at 170. I'm 5' 6". Bad. I won't even touch the subject of my blood pressure or cholesterol.
Anyway, I kicked my own ass and lost 25 - 30 lbs, and shrank my gut back to 33.5". That was according to last month. This week, the tape measure was creeping up to 35", so... beer break... at least until I can get back to the point of being able to work out. If I can work out, it's not such a big deal. If I'm back to being a floor mat, not good.
I never thought I'd have to be concerned with crap like this. I'd lived off of Ramen and Malt liquor, and had no real weight problems for 15 years. Then I met the suburbs.
What the hell kind of sense does it make to design a town without sidewalks??!!?!?!?!?!?
I'm beyond wanting to get the hell out of here, I NEED to get out of here. I don't belong here. I was born in Philly. I grew up in Philly. Philly is my home.
Here's the short version:
Head trouble.
Cocaine addiction.
Suicide play.
Run.
Rent increase.
Friend steps in.
Live with friend (&her husband, her daughter, 3 cats, and 1 dog, with me in an 8' x 8' room and no easy way to get out of the house... stopping here.)
Get on Government Housing plan.
Friend ready to strangle me after a year and a half.
Take first available apartment.
Officially trapped in the burbs for 3.5 years and counting.
Now, before you go tossing out ideas...
I am legally disabled. I cannot work. I cannot drive. I survive on my disability check and get assistance with my rent. I do not have any family other than a younger half-brother, 13 years my junior. (He takes me to the store every other week or so.) I have a doctor and a therapist. No, medication will not make me better. Sunshine, hugs and Jesus make me want to rip people's heads off, so don't even.
That said...
I need to get the fuck out of here. Being here has lead me to 2 suicide attempts, poor health, solitude and disintegrating social skills, and increasing rage. I'm ready to burn this building down and spend the rest of my life in lock up just to get out.
No, that's not an imminent threat, but it does cross my mind on a daily basis. I've been in this apartment for 2 years now. My downstairs neighbors can't control the volume of their tvs and stereos. The walls are paper thin. The complex has more kids than Sesame Street has had in it's 34 years combined. The ceiling leaks and contains mold that causes nose bleeds. The floor is sinking and the roof dipping. (Nice carpets though, and no roaches!) On top of this, my next door neighbor (although a very sweet woman) is a rather frequent cocaine user. My downstairs neighbor is an ex-con with (from what I briefly saw) a beautiful SS tattoo across his back and a serious love of country music. The neighbor diagonal is a voluntarily repressed lesbian (no, this is not a guess, it's actually the case) who is a pro-life churchee with 3 very unhappy, usually screaming, kids. The school bus picks all the kids from the entire complex up right outside the door to my building, so they feel that my building is their playground. Neither door to the building locks because of being ripped open continuously. Last year there was a murder, 2 apartments down from me.
My disability? PTSD/DID.
This is hell.
Wednesday, April 21, 2004
~Annoying
8 apartments, half with one or more kids, and ONE washer and dryer.
It's been months since I've been able to do laundry.
Still detoxing.
EVERYTHING is annoying me at the moment.
Did I mention yet that I hate children?
I didn't used to hate them, then I moved into this complex. True, I should "blame the parents" but while a 6 year old is continuously banging on a light pole with drumsticks while screaming back and forth across the parking lot with his friends, all I want to do is blow the little shit's head off.
I need a fucking drink.
It's been months since I've been able to do laundry.
Still detoxing.
EVERYTHING is annoying me at the moment.
Did I mention yet that I hate children?
I didn't used to hate them, then I moved into this complex. True, I should "blame the parents" but while a 6 year old is continuously banging on a light pole with drumsticks while screaming back and forth across the parking lot with his friends, all I want to do is blow the little shit's head off.
I need a fucking drink.
~Just whining
I'm in a foul mood.
I don't like that word... "foul". It's tied to "wolf" (Gaelic, if I remember correctly), and I don't like the implication that wolves are bad.
I'm just detoxing really. I didn't drink today, and that's rare. If only beer were free and didn't make you grow a gut, I'd be very happy indeed. Instead, I go through this "detox" thing every now and again, in an attempt to save money and maintain my pants size. It sucks shit.
Not that I don't have anything else to complain about, but I think that I'm feeling a little too nasty to type.
I'm very happy that I live alone. (With all respect to Harold who never bothers me because he's a very well behaved plant.)
I don't like that word... "foul". It's tied to "wolf" (Gaelic, if I remember correctly), and I don't like the implication that wolves are bad.
I'm just detoxing really. I didn't drink today, and that's rare. If only beer were free and didn't make you grow a gut, I'd be very happy indeed. Instead, I go through this "detox" thing every now and again, in an attempt to save money and maintain my pants size. It sucks shit.
Not that I don't have anything else to complain about, but I think that I'm feeling a little too nasty to type.
I'm very happy that I live alone. (With all respect to Harold who never bothers me because he's a very well behaved plant.)
Tuesday, April 20, 2004
~Stuff
I've always had issues with my "stuff". I could give all the background as to why... all the psychological STUFF that went into me having those issues... but what it amounts to is that I'm over possessive of my stuff, but at the same time feel I have too much and want to get rid of things. I see stuff as a liability. If you have stuff, it can be stolen or otherwise taken away, and it ends in you feeling bad.
I don't share well at all. My stuff is my stuff, your stuff is your stuff, and don't touch my stuff.
I won't even go into the whole problem I have with saving my writing. Suffice it to say that I have, quite literally, over 10,000 pages of it.
My mother was a pack rat, my father was a purger. What resulted is me who saves everything, then without thinking, gets rid of just about everything every few years.
I wish I had a fireplace... then I could burn things. I'm greedy like that... I can't just throw things out or take them to the Salvation Army. I have to give things away to someone I know, or make sure no one gets them at all. I'm very much like one of the Nemo Seagulls.... Mine Mine Mine!
I'm feeling the need to purge, lately. I guess that's why I'm thinking about all of this now.
When I feel burdened and/or trapped, my instinct is to drop everything and run. Thanks dad.
I don't share well at all. My stuff is my stuff, your stuff is your stuff, and don't touch my stuff.
I won't even go into the whole problem I have with saving my writing. Suffice it to say that I have, quite literally, over 10,000 pages of it.
My mother was a pack rat, my father was a purger. What resulted is me who saves everything, then without thinking, gets rid of just about everything every few years.
I wish I had a fireplace... then I could burn things. I'm greedy like that... I can't just throw things out or take them to the Salvation Army. I have to give things away to someone I know, or make sure no one gets them at all. I'm very much like one of the Nemo Seagulls.... Mine Mine Mine!
I'm feeling the need to purge, lately. I guess that's why I'm thinking about all of this now.
When I feel burdened and/or trapped, my instinct is to drop everything and run. Thanks dad.
Hello (22) - V, VI
3:54 AM
I'm beyond drunk. (That sentence and this one took me about 5 minutes to type.)
I hate this.
10:50 AM
Drank the whole 12 pack.
I think that I'm going to have to use my meds to stop drinking. It's just out of control.
I'm beyond drunk. (That sentence and this one took me about 5 minutes to type.)
I hate this.
10:50 AM
Drank the whole 12 pack.
I think that I'm going to have to use my meds to stop drinking. It's just out of control.
~the alcohol
I drink (mostly) out of boredom. The rest of the time I drink simply because I 1) like the taste and 2) want to get buzzed... in that order.
but then... no....
I started "stealing" alcohol from the fridge when I was about 12. I've, since then, been a binge drinker... then finally a daily drinker.
The beer gut from hell scared me a bit last year... so I started being more careful. Too, beer costs money... and I don't have much of that.
I blew my stomach out in '99. I remember the night very well. I was in such pain that I ripped the toilet out of the floor. Since then, even dark beer really pushes it. I cheat, but I pay for it when I do.
What keeps me drinking? (Above and beyond the physical addiction and the fact that my head is just plain goopy?) It's a MAN thing. Think about it... Real men drink.
Oh please shut the fuck up!
REAL MEN DRINK.
Quitting drinking is like cutting off your dick.
Just spend a while thinking on it.
So... in my insecurity... I've become a damn alcoholic.
I'll drink to that.
but then... no....
I started "stealing" alcohol from the fridge when I was about 12. I've, since then, been a binge drinker... then finally a daily drinker.
The beer gut from hell scared me a bit last year... so I started being more careful. Too, beer costs money... and I don't have much of that.
I blew my stomach out in '99. I remember the night very well. I was in such pain that I ripped the toilet out of the floor. Since then, even dark beer really pushes it. I cheat, but I pay for it when I do.
What keeps me drinking? (Above and beyond the physical addiction and the fact that my head is just plain goopy?) It's a MAN thing. Think about it... Real men drink.
Oh please shut the fuck up!
REAL MEN DRINK.
Quitting drinking is like cutting off your dick.
Just spend a while thinking on it.
So... in my insecurity... I've become a damn alcoholic.
I'll drink to that.
~a rare smile
Talked to an old friend (via IM) today.
I'm really lucky. I've met some really good people in my life.
It's moments like these when I realize, all the pain, the torment, the anguish.... it's all worth it. It's worth it if in exchange I get to know the best people on the planet, even for a little while.
I'm really lucky. I've met some really good people in my life.
It's moments like these when I realize, all the pain, the torment, the anguish.... it's all worth it. It's worth it if in exchange I get to know the best people on the planet, even for a little while.
Monday, April 19, 2004
~...continued
I don't want people to get the wrong impression. I'm not losing my mind searching for a damn label. I'm me. I'm Jon. I'm fine with that.
This is about introspection... thinking about things... thinking about the words that come out of my mouth and what's behind them...
This is about introspection... thinking about things... thinking about the words that come out of my mouth and what's behind them...
~Punk?
Back to (one of) the reason(s) I started this blog...
That letter I wrote to that kid...
In all honesty, it was more of an outburst. It was a rough day for me, and it all tied into who I am and where I'm at because of it... and so, I just ranted.
Hardcore... being Hardcore is not necessarily about being different. It's about being yourself, and sometimes that isn't so controversial. Sometimes it isn't so "cold". In my case, yeah, it is, but there are plenty of Hardcore people out there who fit in just fine.
I can't go into the whole "punk" thing really. I can say what I think "punk" is, or was... I think that I was and am considered "punk", but that's because who I am is actually pretty "different" and fairly anti-societal/anti-conservative/pushing the line liberal... or maybe just a damn freak... same difference, I guess. Maybe it's "punk" that will keep you at the bottom... "cold". Hardcore though? I don't know that it will... unless you're a Hardcore Punk. "Punk" was before me. It came out of the 70's. I was 80's. I'm no expert on "Punk".
Anyway... I guess that what I'm getting at is that over the last few years I've done a lot of thinking about the whole "Hardcore" thing... what it really means... and what it's meant to me. ...Maybe wondering if "punk" needs to be more a part of my label than I've allowed it to be.
(more later, I'm sure)
That letter I wrote to that kid...
In all honesty, it was more of an outburst. It was a rough day for me, and it all tied into who I am and where I'm at because of it... and so, I just ranted.
Hardcore... being Hardcore is not necessarily about being different. It's about being yourself, and sometimes that isn't so controversial. Sometimes it isn't so "cold". In my case, yeah, it is, but there are plenty of Hardcore people out there who fit in just fine.
I can't go into the whole "punk" thing really. I can say what I think "punk" is, or was... I think that I was and am considered "punk", but that's because who I am is actually pretty "different" and fairly anti-societal/anti-conservative/pushing the line liberal... or maybe just a damn freak... same difference, I guess. Maybe it's "punk" that will keep you at the bottom... "cold". Hardcore though? I don't know that it will... unless you're a Hardcore Punk. "Punk" was before me. It came out of the 70's. I was 80's. I'm no expert on "Punk".
Anyway... I guess that what I'm getting at is that over the last few years I've done a lot of thinking about the whole "Hardcore" thing... what it really means... and what it's meant to me. ...Maybe wondering if "punk" needs to be more a part of my label than I've allowed it to be.
(more later, I'm sure)
Hello (22) - IV
Found a old friend.... doing the IM thing.
Will call and fill you in as soon as I'm done. ;)
Will call and fill you in as soon as I'm done. ;)
~Low self esteem moment
I was always a screw up. Too afraid when I should've been bold... too pompous when I should have shut the hell up. Not that other people don't have insecurities, it's just that we can't really see them when we look at other people.
ok, I'm not always a screw up. I just lose control of my mouth sometimes (or my fingers, in the case of the Internet).
I've always envied quiet people.
ok, I'm not always a screw up. I just lose control of my mouth sometimes (or my fingers, in the case of the Internet).
I've always envied quiet people.
~Don't You Forget About Me
Watched The Breakfast Club earlier this evening. Damn movie. The first time I saw it was in the theater. I was 15... and a half. I'd left home. It was the first time I ever did drugs. My girlfriend convinced me to drop a hit of acid. Talk about naive... I didn't know LSD and acid were the same thing.
A year or so later I did actually meet my Claire. Never crossed my mind (at least not consciously) at the time... but that's what it amounted to.
For those of you who wondered what happened to Bender and Claire... She doesn't stay with him. He's not socially acceptable enough. She marries a millionaire and has a couple of kids, moves to Boulder and never speaks to Bender again.
A year or so later I did actually meet my Claire. Never crossed my mind (at least not consciously) at the time... but that's what it amounted to.
For those of you who wondered what happened to Bender and Claire... She doesn't stay with him. He's not socially acceptable enough. She marries a millionaire and has a couple of kids, moves to Boulder and never speaks to Bender again.
~Beer Slave
I can't sleep. Not that it's something new, but tonight it's pissing me off more so than usual. I didn't want to drink today, but after staring at the ceiling for about 2 hours, I finally broke down and went to the bar next door to pick up a 40.
I'll never deny being an alcoholic, but I sure as shit hate that I am one.
I'll never deny being an alcoholic, but I sure as shit hate that I am one.
April 19, 2004
Started an online "blog". It's like a journal, but it's open to view.
Don't know yet whether I'll copy it and save it. The thought of saving one more piece of fucking paper makes me feel like killing something.
Don't mind me, I just haven't had enough to drink today.
Don't know yet whether I'll copy it and save it. The thought of saving one more piece of fucking paper makes me feel like killing something.
Don't mind me, I just haven't had enough to drink today.
Sunday, April 18, 2004
Hello (22) - III
Can't sleep. Was going ape shit, so I had to go next door and buy a 40.
Jk's online, so I didn't want to post in (that section), but thanks for sharing that with me. Hopefully I can post, or we can talk about things soon. I do get where you're coming from though. I can relate.
Hope you're managing some sleep.
love you
Jk's online, so I didn't want to post in (that section), but thanks for sharing that with me. Hopefully I can post, or we can talk about things soon. I do get where you're coming from though. I can relate.
Hope you're managing some sleep.
love you
~Hardcore
Hardcore is having balls enough to admit to liking Barbra Streisand, in the middle of a mosh pit.
(written by me today)
(written by me today)
~Hard Core
I think that as we age, many of our labels slide off... and we do our best to hang onto the ones we have pride in. I have my West Philly Hardcore tattoo. I'm proud of my roots, I AM my roots in many ways, no matter how much I grow. In my teens, I thought I had it all figured out... I knew everything. In my twenties, I knew that I had been wrong about knowing it all as a kid. In my thirties, I'm proud to announce that I knew everything from day one... I just needed to learn words to explain it all to others.
No matter how much I grow... I am who I am... that doesn't change... I just learn new words to explain who that is to everyone else. There are labels that stick, some that don't, and some that become tattoos. My "Hardcore" tattoo is permanent... physically and metaphorically. I will ALWAYS be a part of defining what "Hardcore" is, was, and always will be. I will ALWAYS be pompous about it and always inflict my standards on other people. *shrugs* It's one of the few things I'll never bend on... there's no, "well, if you're hardcore then I'm not"... there's only I'm Hardcore, period. If you want to know what that is, just get to know me. Part of being Hardcore is that you're a stubborn pompous ass about who you are and the fact that it'll never change because of society's standards. It's pride in the self (or selves, in my case)... no matter what that self happens to look like or chooses to do, feel, think, or what that self chooses to act on or not do.
(written by me 2/15/01)
No matter how much I grow... I am who I am... that doesn't change... I just learn new words to explain who that is to everyone else. There are labels that stick, some that don't, and some that become tattoos. My "Hardcore" tattoo is permanent... physically and metaphorically. I will ALWAYS be a part of defining what "Hardcore" is, was, and always will be. I will ALWAYS be pompous about it and always inflict my standards on other people. *shrugs* It's one of the few things I'll never bend on... there's no, "well, if you're hardcore then I'm not"... there's only I'm Hardcore, period. If you want to know what that is, just get to know me. Part of being Hardcore is that you're a stubborn pompous ass about who you are and the fact that it'll never change because of society's standards. It's pride in the self (or selves, in my case)... no matter what that self happens to look like or chooses to do, feel, think, or what that self chooses to act on or not do.
(written by me 2/15/01)
~Old but not ancient.
Been reading a blog written by a girl named "Kelly". I've been sort of drawn to it all day, and so I decided to read through it and comment when I had something to say. It's just really simple... her thoughts and her life, she doesn't seem like she's trying to impress anyone. Pretty damn Hardcore.
I hope she doesn't think that I'm some weird psycho child molester or something. I just thought that her writing was really good, and I wasn't all distracted by mindless crap. She's got her shit together for a teenager. I give her a lot of credit.
Freaks me out that I'm probably as old as her parents.
I hope she doesn't think that I'm some weird psycho child molester or something. I just thought that her writing was really good, and I wasn't all distracted by mindless crap. She's got her shit together for a teenager. I give her a lot of credit.
Freaks me out that I'm probably as old as her parents.
Saturday, April 17, 2004
~So far
I don't like reading blogs backwards.
I wish I could access people's profiles without having to ask.
I wish people would realize that too much on a blog page makes people not want to visit that page. (less is more sometimes)
I'll get used to it though.
I wish I could access people's profiles without having to ask.
I wish people would realize that too much on a blog page makes people not want to visit that page. (less is more sometimes)
I'll get used to it though.
~knock knock
Just bought a magazine from this kid going door to door attempting to win a trip to Cancun. Noticed that he forgot to put my apartment number on the slip. Basically that means I threw $20 to the wind.
I have to give the kid a little credit. He did try pretty hard. The "contest" was about building "people skills", and although he was scared shitless of me, he managed to try hard enough and get me to buy something. He must really want that trip.
I suppose I did my good deed for the day.
I have to give the kid a little credit. He did try pretty hard. The "contest" was about building "people skills", and although he was scared shitless of me, he managed to try hard enough and get me to buy something. He must really want that trip.
I suppose I did my good deed for the day.
~another morning in the life of a lunatic
Another day of going back and forth between depression and rage.
I guess that, at the moment, I'm doing exactly what I want to be doing. If I had to picture what my life would be like if I could do anything, it would certainly involve getting up, making coffee, and spending time online. It has become a sort of daily ritual. It's something I enjoy doing. That says a lot, being that I don't enjoy much. I could call it "me time", but my whole life is comprised "me time" right now. That would be fine if "me" wasn't so fucked in the head.
I keep waiting for the next change over to happen. I'm due to go from "violent asshole" to "slightly positive jerk" soon.
Don't kill anyone.
Don't kill yourself.
Don't forget to water Harold.
I guess that, at the moment, I'm doing exactly what I want to be doing. If I had to picture what my life would be like if I could do anything, it would certainly involve getting up, making coffee, and spending time online. It has become a sort of daily ritual. It's something I enjoy doing. That says a lot, being that I don't enjoy much. I could call it "me time", but my whole life is comprised "me time" right now. That would be fine if "me" wasn't so fucked in the head.
I keep waiting for the next change over to happen. I'm due to go from "violent asshole" to "slightly positive jerk" soon.
Don't kill anyone.
Don't kill yourself.
Don't forget to water Harold.
Hello (22) - I
Still up.
I'm going to turn my phone off. (Jk proofing?)
Call tomorrow any time you want. If I'm asleep, I won't hear the phone (even a little). If I'm up..?..
Hope you're sleeping well.
I'm going to turn my phone off. (Jk proofing?)
Call tomorrow any time you want. If I'm asleep, I won't hear the phone (even a little). If I'm up..?..
Hope you're sleeping well.
MOM - Job Description
(thinking of you, A2, because a lot of this applies ;) )
POSITION:
Mother, Mom, Mama, Mommy
JOB DESCRIPTION:
Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES:
The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product! Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION:
Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:
None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION:
Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and then wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS:
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.
POSITION:
Mother, Mom, Mama, Mommy
JOB DESCRIPTION:
Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES:
The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product! Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION:
Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:
None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION:
Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and then wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS:
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.
Friday, April 16, 2004
~Therapy Therapy Therapy
It's been about a year and a half that I've been seeing Sarah. Along with the every day shit, I've been attempting to spill out the life story. It's taken this long, and I still haven't gotten past 1983. Sure, I talk about some things that happened in my life after that point occasionally, but in the actual chronological telling of the "story", I'm in 9th grade. I don't think that I've done any "story telling" in months. Since before Thanksgiving, I think. There's just been so much crap in my daily life, that I spend the hour (plus) every week attempting to talk through that.
Wonder if I would be covered for twice a week.
Wonder if I would be covered for twice a week.
Hello (21) - XIX, XX
1:07 AM
Talked to Jk. The conversation was ok. Beer is helpful.
12:51 PM
The continuously ringing phone got me up. I really hate that Jk does that. I unplugged it, but still couldn't get back to sleep.
Did my shot. Gonna do my I-rounds, then I'll try calling.
Talked to Jk. The conversation was ok. Beer is helpful.
12:51 PM
The continuously ringing phone got me up. I really hate that Jk does that. I unplugged it, but still couldn't get back to sleep.
Did my shot. Gonna do my I-rounds, then I'll try calling.
Thursday, April 15, 2004
~We don't wear the same shoe size.
So, what the hell happened to me....
The answer I usually give is "long story", but that's actually putting it lightly. True, it is a long series of events that landed me where I am, but if I try to explain it in less than about oh... maybe a couple years time, it's not really understandable. One thing leads to another, and although each event can be seen as pretty extreme in and of itself, the how and why each event occurred (and hence having to tell the whole damn story) is necessary for anything to really make any sense, in so far as explanations go.
I'll tell people I'm "trapped in the burbs", but how I ended up here and why exactly it is that I'm "trapped" is pretty essential to answering questions like "Why can't you get to the show?" or "How come you can't get to the doctor?". People are rarely satisfied with a "because I can't" answer. Usually they try to put themselves in the same situation... but therein lies the problem. They're not me. My reasons are valid, it just takes forever to explain them to people, and even longer for them to really get it.
I do have a job. Two, actually. My jobs are just as difficult as anyone else's, if not more so. People don't understand that though, they're busy "projecting".... putting themselves in my situation. It's sort of like standing there asking a paraplegic why he can't walk, and thinking it must surely be because he just wants to sit around in a chair his whole life (because that's what you really wish you could do if you could just find the excuse to)... that if you want something badly enough... blah blah blah. It's "I can get up, take a shower, brush my teeth, shave my face, make coffee, get to work, shuffle papers for 8 hours, get home, walk the dog, smack the kid, fuck the wife, eat dinner, watch Leno, and go to bed. Why can't you just do your fucking laundry? It's obviously because you want to get away with not doing it, because doing laundry sucks. I hate doing laundry. I never want to do laundy, but I manage. "
Why? Because I'm me, and you're you. I actually want to do my laundry, I just CAN'T.
Why can't you get your dick and balls cut off, your brains stirred with a screwdriver and just be a perky positive functional motivated person?
I digress.
I have two jobs. #1 - Don't kill myself. #2 - Don't kill anyone else.
...and I never get a day off.
The answer I usually give is "long story", but that's actually putting it lightly. True, it is a long series of events that landed me where I am, but if I try to explain it in less than about oh... maybe a couple years time, it's not really understandable. One thing leads to another, and although each event can be seen as pretty extreme in and of itself, the how and why each event occurred (and hence having to tell the whole damn story) is necessary for anything to really make any sense, in so far as explanations go.
I'll tell people I'm "trapped in the burbs", but how I ended up here and why exactly it is that I'm "trapped" is pretty essential to answering questions like "Why can't you get to the show?" or "How come you can't get to the doctor?". People are rarely satisfied with a "because I can't" answer. Usually they try to put themselves in the same situation... but therein lies the problem. They're not me. My reasons are valid, it just takes forever to explain them to people, and even longer for them to really get it.
I do have a job. Two, actually. My jobs are just as difficult as anyone else's, if not more so. People don't understand that though, they're busy "projecting".... putting themselves in my situation. It's sort of like standing there asking a paraplegic why he can't walk, and thinking it must surely be because he just wants to sit around in a chair his whole life (because that's what you really wish you could do if you could just find the excuse to)... that if you want something badly enough... blah blah blah. It's "I can get up, take a shower, brush my teeth, shave my face, make coffee, get to work, shuffle papers for 8 hours, get home, walk the dog, smack the kid, fuck the wife, eat dinner, watch Leno, and go to bed. Why can't you just do your fucking laundry? It's obviously because you want to get away with not doing it, because doing laundry sucks. I hate doing laundry. I never want to do laundy, but I manage. "
Why? Because I'm me, and you're you. I actually want to do my laundry, I just CAN'T.
Why can't you get your dick and balls cut off, your brains stirred with a screwdriver and just be a perky positive functional motivated person?
I digress.
I have two jobs. #1 - Don't kill myself. #2 - Don't kill anyone else.
...and I never get a day off.
Hello (21) - XVII
Damn music or tv or whatever it is didn't stop until 7AM. Really rude.
Really tired.
SlimFast
Really tired.
SlimFast
~Right and Wrong
I don't know that I'm the nicest guy in the world. I know that I can be, but I know that I can be a real asshole as well.
I've done a few things in my life that I feel pretty badly about doing. Stealing was a bit of a problem for me for a while. I used to work the door at Philly punk shows, for a while (in '84 or '85). I stole some money. I was found out. I was beyond ashamed. I think that I did actually pay back the money, although for the life of me I can't remember if I paid all of it back. It wouldn't surprise me if I didn't.
I'd like to think that it was the desperation of being a "runaway" at the time, but I know that's not true. I took it because I was a stupid kid with sticky fingers. To this day I feel like crap about it... especially because of where I was taking the money from. Chuck was a good guy. (To say nothing of where the money from the shows actually went and how important that was.) When I left home, I stayed with him and Tim and my friend Kyoko for a while. I paid him for the space, but he didn't have to let me stay there. Too, he worked his ass off to put on those shows. It was just really fucking wrong.
I bumped into Chuck a few years back at the Ruin reunion show. I approached him, and actually tried to apologize. He didn't even remember it happening. He almost didn't recognize me either (I changed a lot between 15 and 27 or 28), but eventually he did. He was cool to me, and that felt pretty good.
It's odd... I sort of idolized Chuck, I think. I think that in a way I still do.
I've done a few things in my life that I feel pretty badly about doing. Stealing was a bit of a problem for me for a while. I used to work the door at Philly punk shows, for a while (in '84 or '85). I stole some money. I was found out. I was beyond ashamed. I think that I did actually pay back the money, although for the life of me I can't remember if I paid all of it back. It wouldn't surprise me if I didn't.
I'd like to think that it was the desperation of being a "runaway" at the time, but I know that's not true. I took it because I was a stupid kid with sticky fingers. To this day I feel like crap about it... especially because of where I was taking the money from. Chuck was a good guy. (To say nothing of where the money from the shows actually went and how important that was.) When I left home, I stayed with him and Tim and my friend Kyoko for a while. I paid him for the space, but he didn't have to let me stay there. Too, he worked his ass off to put on those shows. It was just really fucking wrong.
I bumped into Chuck a few years back at the Ruin reunion show. I approached him, and actually tried to apologize. He didn't even remember it happening. He almost didn't recognize me either (I changed a lot between 15 and 27 or 28), but eventually he did. He was cool to me, and that felt pretty good.
It's odd... I sort of idolized Chuck, I think. I think that in a way I still do.
Wednesday, April 14, 2004
Links (5)
ok, please do not feel obligated to reply to anything written here, but always know that you're welcome to read. I just wanted to start something aside from the board that would be free of the stress... a place where I could just feel free to be myself, even if I'm being an asshole. I was actually thinking about keeping it completely private, but then realized that the way ~blog works, everyone registered can read everyone's blog... and that would include n. So... I told n. and you. I'm leaving it at that though, at least for now. I don't owe people here a damn thing (know what I mean?)
So.... here you go
10:01 PM
I did think about it.
If I didn't want you to read it, I wouldn't have posted you the link.
So.... here you go
10:01 PM
I did think about it.
If I didn't want you to read it, I wouldn't have posted you the link.
~Was thinking about names...
My "real" name is Jon, but even that's the third (legal) name I've gone by.
"Cutter" came from "Slasher", which is what the locals used to call me, or so I was told, when I was squatting in West Philly (4821 Baltimore, to be exact. on and off between '85 and '87 to not be). They didn't know us (us being the squatters and our friends) by name really, but they knew us by sight. I was always marked up. Either my (usually bald) head was blood speckled from a dull razor, or my white shirt sleeves were blood stained, or my arms were sliced to ribbons. "Slasher" was just a little too much for online, so I went with "Cutter". Same thing really.
I've had a few nicknames in my life, even before the joy of Internet screen names. Hardcore Scene-wise, in '83, Rory (wonder whatever happened to him) used to call me "little slammy".... I was little. I'm still little actually. Then there was the occasional "fuzzy" because of my bald head that I didn't shave every day. "Is that a boy or a girl?" was actually the most frequent phrase people used to refer to me. Above and beyond the majority of androgynous 80's freeks, people were pretty confused by me... even the other freeks. I looked like a little boy, but people said (and were told) I was a girl, and I was in the process of being told I was a girl by people (like my parents). As it turns out, I'm "Intersexed", but at the age of 15 coming out of a really abusive home... I didn't know too much about who (or what) I was... other than fucked up. I think that at one point I had "Orphan Edge" painted on my boots. Talk about the shoe fitting... Anyway, legally I'm an "M", and although my body is pretty different from the average guy's, I'm still as masculine as I've always been, just a little better off in the knowing what I am department.
but, back to names...
I'm not cut up as much anymore. I'm pretty scarred though. I'm a cutter... I've been a cutter for about 25 years or so.
...if the boot fits...
"Cutter" came from "Slasher", which is what the locals used to call me, or so I was told, when I was squatting in West Philly (4821 Baltimore, to be exact. on and off between '85 and '87 to not be). They didn't know us (us being the squatters and our friends) by name really, but they knew us by sight. I was always marked up. Either my (usually bald) head was blood speckled from a dull razor, or my white shirt sleeves were blood stained, or my arms were sliced to ribbons. "Slasher" was just a little too much for online, so I went with "Cutter". Same thing really.
I've had a few nicknames in my life, even before the joy of Internet screen names. Hardcore Scene-wise, in '83, Rory (wonder whatever happened to him) used to call me "little slammy".... I was little. I'm still little actually. Then there was the occasional "fuzzy" because of my bald head that I didn't shave every day. "Is that a boy or a girl?" was actually the most frequent phrase people used to refer to me. Above and beyond the majority of androgynous 80's freeks, people were pretty confused by me... even the other freeks. I looked like a little boy, but people said (and were told) I was a girl, and I was in the process of being told I was a girl by people (like my parents). As it turns out, I'm "Intersexed", but at the age of 15 coming out of a really abusive home... I didn't know too much about who (or what) I was... other than fucked up. I think that at one point I had "Orphan Edge" painted on my boots. Talk about the shoe fitting... Anyway, legally I'm an "M", and although my body is pretty different from the average guy's, I'm still as masculine as I've always been, just a little better off in the knowing what I am department.
but, back to names...
I'm not cut up as much anymore. I'm pretty scarred though. I'm a cutter... I've been a cutter for about 25 years or so.
...if the boot fits...
~old bitter fuck
this is one of the other things that added to my starting this today... this thing I wrote, about a year or so ago... thinking about it, and what it meant...
"I browsed your site today. namechangedtoprotectthein nocent.html I did like the site a lot, but it got my brain running, and so I figured I'd write you.
As a Philly "Old head", I think that one thing, above ALL ELSE needs to be understood/said. We had our share of "poseurs" in the 80's as well... the assholes from the burbs who would come in and shit in our squat, start fights at the shows... the "weekend punks" that flattened the sides of their hair and spiked the middle and called it a hawk, then went home to their moms and swimming pools and Docksiders.
I don't know jack shit about your scene, whether it be revived or brand new, but one thing that was said on your site is the key to ALL of it.
"When people get involved with something like hardcore, they think it is just the music...IT'S A WAY OF LIFE."
Most of the kids on your scene (as it was on my scene) are just that. Kids. Check back with them in 15 years or so and see where they're at then. That's when you'll find out who was who. It's not the guy who knows all the lyrics to all the songs and the names of all the bands and which member played in which one. It's not the guy with the coolest leather or the tallest hawk, or the largest collection of CDs. That's not the guy who isn't the poseur.
See that little freak sitting over there in the corner that you barely notice? That'll be the one who's LIVING it. In 15 years, that person will still be living it, if they're living at all... because once you get into the adult world, and it's not about how tall your hawk is anymore and a cool jacket doesn't pay the rent, you're forced to lose it or live a life that's little more than torture. Knowing the lyrics doesn't put a roof over your head in the winter... and when you hit about 40, no one wants you crashing on their floor anymore.
That little freak in the corner, the one who's at the show because it's the only place they have to go where they don't get the shit kicked out of them, the one who's living it, in 15 years you'll find people like them in jails, asylums, housing projects, and coffins. The world isn't made for Hardcore people. The world is made for sheep. If you're not a sheep and don't have a REALLY good run of good luck, your Hardcore ass will be pretty cold in the winter and keeping yourself from being locked up will become your only real job in life.
Today it's "cool", but tomorrow... it's COLD.
Yes, stay true to yourself... but there's a reason why they call it HARDcore. If you're not DAMN hard, you won't make it. You'll just be another Joe in a monkey suit who used to hang out with other kids who liked to stand out too.
See past all the noise and the colors. It's ABOUT something. It's about having a HARD CORE. "
"I browsed your site today. namechangedtoprotectthein nocent.html I did like the site a lot, but it got my brain running, and so I figured I'd write you.
As a Philly "Old head", I think that one thing, above ALL ELSE needs to be understood/said. We had our share of "poseurs" in the 80's as well... the assholes from the burbs who would come in and shit in our squat, start fights at the shows... the "weekend punks" that flattened the sides of their hair and spiked the middle and called it a hawk, then went home to their moms and swimming pools and Docksiders.
I don't know jack shit about your scene, whether it be revived or brand new, but one thing that was said on your site is the key to ALL of it.
"When people get involved with something like hardcore, they think it is just the music...IT'S A WAY OF LIFE."
Most of the kids on your scene (as it was on my scene) are just that. Kids. Check back with them in 15 years or so and see where they're at then. That's when you'll find out who was who. It's not the guy who knows all the lyrics to all the songs and the names of all the bands and which member played in which one. It's not the guy with the coolest leather or the tallest hawk, or the largest collection of CDs. That's not the guy who isn't the poseur.
See that little freak sitting over there in the corner that you barely notice? That'll be the one who's LIVING it. In 15 years, that person will still be living it, if they're living at all... because once you get into the adult world, and it's not about how tall your hawk is anymore and a cool jacket doesn't pay the rent, you're forced to lose it or live a life that's little more than torture. Knowing the lyrics doesn't put a roof over your head in the winter... and when you hit about 40, no one wants you crashing on their floor anymore.
That little freak in the corner, the one who's at the show because it's the only place they have to go where they don't get the shit kicked out of them, the one who's living it, in 15 years you'll find people like them in jails, asylums, housing projects, and coffins. The world isn't made for Hardcore people. The world is made for sheep. If you're not a sheep and don't have a REALLY good run of good luck, your Hardcore ass will be pretty cold in the winter and keeping yourself from being locked up will become your only real job in life.
Today it's "cool", but tomorrow... it's COLD.
Yes, stay true to yourself... but there's a reason why they call it HARDcore. If you're not DAMN hard, you won't make it. You'll just be another Joe in a monkey suit who used to hang out with other kids who liked to stand out too.
See past all the noise and the colors. It's ABOUT something. It's about having a HARD CORE. "
~The beginning
For the record, what caused me to start this "blog" today was a combination of things, but the final thought that did it?
I'm 34. I'm an adult. That whole concept, many days, freaks me the fuck out.
I'm 34. I'm an adult. That whole concept, many days, freaks me the fuck out.
Tuesday, April 13, 2004
mental vomit
I do keep journal entries here. They're in an invisible section though. Not that I write much, but I go in there to bitch and whine and moan about the state of my life every so often.
I've been sitting at a sort of crossroads in life for a few years now. It feels that way to me, anyway.
There's no better way to be anti-societal than to take yourself out of society. I did that, sort of. I've become more of a boil on its ass though. Even a boil on the ass is a part of the body though, so, in that, I'm still part of that which I despise.
I don't want to say that I took a wrong turn somewhere. I know that I'm where I'm at for a reason, and I have learned quite a bit from the path, but overall... I don't like where I'm at.
Once, I survived on nothing. Now, I'm having trouble surviving on a nice sized disability check. What the fuck is that all about? It makes me think of the whole bible thing... the "lead me not into temptation" stuff. That's what all of it is... all the stuff, and the bigger place to put the stuff.... the more you have, the more you want... the more you "need".
I keep trying to figure out where I took the wrong turn... keep thinking that if I could just get back there, I'd be fine. That train of thought usually leads to being suicidal though, because, in truth, things are all connected and from birth is where I have to start.
I have this board, which has basically turned into a sort of interactive "blog" for me. It's my journal, only people actually react to what I write. Nifty, but thinking of it as any sort of "community" is just completely stupid.
I'd like to have a life where I wake up and am able to ask myself "What do you want to do today?" as opposed to "How are we going to kill another 24 hours?". My life is basically about waiting to die, and that's just not too much fun.
When I grow up, I want to be...
I guess that all I wanted to be was "happy", but aside from a few moments, I haven't really attained that.
I don't know where I'm going with all of this. I was thinking about being young and going to shows... creating "hardcore" just by existing...
It ended for me, when? Maybe when I got locked up... maybe when I fell in love... maybe when I turned 18 and became afraid of jail.
What was it that ended? "Freedom" perhaps.
What happens to old punks?
You're lookin' at it.
Things used to mean something. Even what you did or didn't wear made a statement. The world... life was intense. They have pills for that now... and institutions.
You're not so much of a threat when you're a "minor".
I've been sitting at a sort of crossroads in life for a few years now. It feels that way to me, anyway.
There's no better way to be anti-societal than to take yourself out of society. I did that, sort of. I've become more of a boil on its ass though. Even a boil on the ass is a part of the body though, so, in that, I'm still part of that which I despise.
I don't want to say that I took a wrong turn somewhere. I know that I'm where I'm at for a reason, and I have learned quite a bit from the path, but overall... I don't like where I'm at.
Once, I survived on nothing. Now, I'm having trouble surviving on a nice sized disability check. What the fuck is that all about? It makes me think of the whole bible thing... the "lead me not into temptation" stuff. That's what all of it is... all the stuff, and the bigger place to put the stuff.... the more you have, the more you want... the more you "need".
I keep trying to figure out where I took the wrong turn... keep thinking that if I could just get back there, I'd be fine. That train of thought usually leads to being suicidal though, because, in truth, things are all connected and from birth is where I have to start.
I have this board, which has basically turned into a sort of interactive "blog" for me. It's my journal, only people actually react to what I write. Nifty, but thinking of it as any sort of "community" is just completely stupid.
I'd like to have a life where I wake up and am able to ask myself "What do you want to do today?" as opposed to "How are we going to kill another 24 hours?". My life is basically about waiting to die, and that's just not too much fun.
When I grow up, I want to be...
I guess that all I wanted to be was "happy", but aside from a few moments, I haven't really attained that.
I don't know where I'm going with all of this. I was thinking about being young and going to shows... creating "hardcore" just by existing...
It ended for me, when? Maybe when I got locked up... maybe when I fell in love... maybe when I turned 18 and became afraid of jail.
What was it that ended? "Freedom" perhaps.
What happens to old punks?
You're lookin' at it.
Things used to mean something. Even what you did or didn't wear made a statement. The world... life was intense. They have pills for that now... and institutions.
You're not so much of a threat when you're a "minor".
Monday, April 12, 2004
Hello (21) - XIII - XV
1:37 AM
I called. Having a REALLY bad night.
Spent a while on the phone with the shrink... narrowly escaping lock up.
Managed to talk with your mom for a few.. laughing about mop dog.
Not doing well
not at all
3:34 AM
still up
doing my job
not killing myself
not killing anyone else
woohoo
2:31 PM
Sorry I made you worry so much.
It was a really rough night. Spent the day in bed trying to sleep. I unplugged the phone because sleeping was really difficult.
Hopefully we'll talk soon.
I called. Having a REALLY bad night.
Spent a while on the phone with the shrink... narrowly escaping lock up.
Managed to talk with your mom for a few.. laughing about mop dog.
Not doing well
not at all
3:34 AM
still up
doing my job
not killing myself
not killing anyone else
woohoo
2:31 PM
Sorry I made you worry so much.
It was a really rough night. Spent the day in bed trying to sleep. I unplugged the phone because sleeping was really difficult.
Hopefully we'll talk soon.
Green Day - Platypus
Your rise and fall
Back up against the wall
What goes around is coming back and haunting you
It's time to quit
Cause you ain't worth the shit
Under my shoes or the piss on the ground
No one loves you and you know it
Don't pretend that you enjoy it or you don't care
Cause now I wouldn't lie or tell you all the things you want
to hear.
I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU
I heard your sick
Sucked on that cancer stick
A throbbing tumor and a radiation high
Shit out of luck
And now your time is up
It brings me pleasure just to know your going to die
Dickhead, Fuckface, cock smoking, mother fucking, asshole, dirty twat, waste of semen, I hope you die HEY
Red eye, code blue
I'd like to strangle you
And watch your eyes bulge right out of your skull
When you go down
Head first into the ground
I'll stand above you just to piss on your grave
Back up against the wall
What goes around is coming back and haunting you
It's time to quit
Cause you ain't worth the shit
Under my shoes or the piss on the ground
No one loves you and you know it
Don't pretend that you enjoy it or you don't care
Cause now I wouldn't lie or tell you all the things you want
to hear.
I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU
I heard your sick
Sucked on that cancer stick
A throbbing tumor and a radiation high
Shit out of luck
And now your time is up
It brings me pleasure just to know your going to die
Dickhead, Fuckface, cock smoking, mother fucking, asshole, dirty twat, waste of semen, I hope you die HEY
Red eye, code blue
I'd like to strangle you
And watch your eyes bulge right out of your skull
When you go down
Head first into the ground
I'll stand above you just to piss on your grave
Sunday, April 11, 2004
Hello (21) - XII
Worked out. Shower time.
Guess that maybe I'll knock on (my neighbor's) door afterwards.
Guess that maybe I'll knock on (my neighbor's) door afterwards.
Holidays
They're the worst. It's really difficult to get past the sitting around feeling sorry for myself point. I envy other people... I know that it's not a Norman Rockwell painting... I know that it can get pretty harrowing....but... it's family. Not the "family" that will be in the surgical waiting area when you're found beat to within an inch of your life family, not wedding and funeral family, but the family who says "You make me nuts, but you're family" family. The people who could go/are welcome elsewhere, but they don't, because you're supposed to be with family.
I don't have that. I want that, but I don't have it. I'm always the stranger at the table. "Poor Jon" who has nowhere else to go.
I feel like a stray dog...
I don't have that. I want that, but I don't have it. I'm always the stranger at the table. "Poor Jon" who has nowhere else to go.
I feel like a stray dog...
Hello (21) - XI
Not sure what I'm doing. Didn't get to sleep until after 4, and then just kept waking up until about an hour ago or so when I got out of bed.
(My neighbor) invited me over, but I don't know if it was just her "being nice" or if she'd really appreciate me being there.
I'm going to think on it, I guess. I might. I don't know.
Post when the family start drizzling out. (Hope that you all have a nice day. :) )
(My neighbor) invited me over, but I don't know if it was just her "being nice" or if she'd really appreciate me being there.
I'm going to think on it, I guess. I might. I don't know.
Post when the family start drizzling out. (Hope that you all have a nice day. :) )
Quote of the Day (11)
"Education is what survives when what has been learned has been forgotten."
-B. F. Skinner
-B. F. Skinner
April 11, 2004
I'm beyond depressed. I'm drinking too much again. That doesn't help. I know that. I just can't seem not to though. ...combination of boredom, depression, anxiety, and simple alcoholism.
Life sucks, then you toast it.
Life sucks, then you toast it.
Saturday, April 10, 2004
Hello (21) - X
My computer's on, but all I'm doing is pacing and talking to myself.
Would love to talk if/when you're up for it.
Would love to talk if/when you're up for it.
Your Calling (2)
I'm still lost on this.
The last (tarot) card I drew on it was the 10 of Swords. Led me to think that "my calling" was whatever it was that was torturing me. That is, after all, what calls the loudest... that which tortures you.
The last (tarot) card I drew on it was the 10 of Swords. Led me to think that "my calling" was whatever it was that was torturing me. That is, after all, what calls the loudest... that which tortures you.
Quote of the Day (10)
"The last time somebody said, 'I find I can write much better with a word processor.', I replied, 'They used to say the same thing about drugs.'"
-Roy Blount, Jr.
-Roy Blount, Jr.
Hello (21) - IX
11 beers later
still up
chuckling because the gotta go guy next to the "11 beers later" makes WAY too much sense *lol*
Inboxed the DID board Admin to try to find out what's up with Hv. I'm really worried at this point. :(
...can we win the lottery now?
still up
chuckling because the gotta go guy next to the "11 beers later" makes WAY too much sense *lol*
Inboxed the DID board Admin to try to find out what's up with Hv. I'm really worried at this point. :(
...can we win the lottery now?
Friday, April 9, 2004
Thursday, April 8, 2004
Hello (21) - IV - VII
5:14 PM
I have to be asleep by 1AM. My brother's coming over, I need to work out, I'll want to go online, I'll (as always :) ) want to call you... that means I need to be up by 9AM. What that amounts to is that I'm going to have to take a Xanax about midnight.
It's been a waste of a day on this end. Nothing but posting, Populous and finishing off that (original!) Pabst.
I missed getting to talk with you though. :(
Hopefully we'll talk soon.
6:08 PM
thinking about walking to the liquor store
6:57 PM
I guess I'll try calling in a few. Doubt I'll walk to the store. Really not in the mood. Might end up taping E.R. (as if it's going to be worth taping ), I don't know.
9:02 PM
It's gone from ring and run to knock and run.
I'm not happy about this.
I have to be asleep by 1AM. My brother's coming over, I need to work out, I'll want to go online, I'll (as always :) ) want to call you... that means I need to be up by 9AM. What that amounts to is that I'm going to have to take a Xanax about midnight.
It's been a waste of a day on this end. Nothing but posting, Populous and finishing off that (original!) Pabst.
I missed getting to talk with you though. :(
Hopefully we'll talk soon.
6:08 PM
thinking about walking to the liquor store
6:57 PM
I guess I'll try calling in a few. Doubt I'll walk to the store. Really not in the mood. Might end up taping E.R. (as if it's going to be worth taping
), I don't know. 9:02 PM
It's gone from ring and run to knock and run.
I'm not happy about this.
Retro Topic #4
original topic posted 03/28/04 @3:39 PM
If you call yourself a "Were" or a "Vampire", what does that mean to you? Can you explain it so that people who are not familiar with the terms or states of being can better understand?
from topics originally posted by:
LO2 (11/18/00 2:49 pm) and M. (11/21/00 6:03 pm)
Why I call myself a "Were" - the short version: Werewolf - ManWolf - Mix of human and animal and/or one who shifts between the two. Me = Polywere - Many aspects - some human, some "other" - I shift between them, sometimes by choice, sometimes not. "Were" (also, to me) = Person who shifts between and/or is a combination of human and non-human animal, also the "modern" word for "Shaman". I used to explain myself to others as "having Shaman's blood". I learned the term "Were" online. It worked for me. "Poly" came in because that too made sense.
Wolf is my "primary". That is to say, most of my shifting, if it involves an animal, involves wolf. Like Sv, I had the whole dream thing go on. That happened a lot about 10 years ago... not so much anymore. Animal dreams (being shifted in dreams) has been happening all my life, but the really powerful wolf ones happened around 1993 or '94.
Aside from wolf, the most common are raven (maybe hawk or Eagle... all I know is that it's a larger bird of prey), bear, I'm pretty sure it's some sort of cat (maybe panther, Jaguar, lion...) and rabbit... although (honestly) I think I could shift to deer tick if I wanted to. Many of my shifts are rather vague. I don't remember a lot of details. I've spent the last 10 years or so doing intensive work in "controlling" the whole shifting thing. I've come to the conclusion that it's less about controlling as it is about accepting and "making friends" with.
I have a theory about "Were" being what humans are evolving towards, but there are holes in the theory so big that you can ride an elephant through them. All I can say for certain is that Weres are different from the majority of humans, in a big way.
Rules that seem to fit?
1. Above average intelligence
2. Trauma history
3. "Psychic" and or "Empathic" ability. (non-verbal communication)
4. Duality or pluralism of ego (?) involving non-human animal/s
(I don't want to say it, but I really do consider shifting to be a "requirement".)
5. Alcoholism
...no, seriously, I think there really is something to it.
Jon's controversial theory of the decade?
All Real Vampires are Weres.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The reasons why I stared calling myself a Vampire (going back to 1983)
Blood lust - since drinking tons of my own as a child (about 6 or 7 or so)... (Vampire = blood drinker)
Reincarnation - had vivid past life memories from a very young age (at least 14) (Vampire = live forever)
anti church - I was violently against the church. Priests sent me into a "rage". (Vampire = church = AAAAAAH!!!!)
solitary - I was always a loner (Vampires do not travel in groups, they're loners, PERIOD.)
ESP - (Vampires can psychically control others... hypnotize, seduce, etc.)
shifting (Vampires can turn into bats, wolves, other creatures)
effects of B12 deficiency - (Vampires are pale and have sunken eyes and receding gums... and not a lot of energy unless well fed... and CRAVE BLOOD)
slept in closets (Vampires sleep in coffins)
youthful in appearance (Vampires don't age)
nocturnal - (Vampires = light = AAAAAAAAAH!!!!!)
dreamwalker - (see ESP above)
Ability to blend although very different - (Vampires can turn into smoke... vanish... not cast shadow or reflection)
Very quiet in motion (see above)
morbidity - (Vampires = death, undead, dark, etc.)
different than others - (Vampires most certainly are)
teeth - mine are very thin and sharp, and I have a strong jaw (fangs. duh.)
and so.... to go back to shifting....
If you call yourself a "Were" or a "Vampire", what does that mean to you? Can you explain it so that people who are not familiar with the terms or states of being can better understand?
from topics originally posted by:
LO2 (11/18/00 2:49 pm) and M. (11/21/00 6:03 pm)
Why I call myself a "Were" - the short version: Werewolf - ManWolf - Mix of human and animal and/or one who shifts between the two. Me = Polywere - Many aspects - some human, some "other" - I shift between them, sometimes by choice, sometimes not. "Were" (also, to me) = Person who shifts between and/or is a combination of human and non-human animal, also the "modern" word for "Shaman". I used to explain myself to others as "having Shaman's blood". I learned the term "Were" online. It worked for me. "Poly" came in because that too made sense.
Wolf is my "primary". That is to say, most of my shifting, if it involves an animal, involves wolf. Like Sv, I had the whole dream thing go on. That happened a lot about 10 years ago... not so much anymore. Animal dreams (being shifted in dreams) has been happening all my life, but the really powerful wolf ones happened around 1993 or '94.
Aside from wolf, the most common are raven (maybe hawk or Eagle... all I know is that it's a larger bird of prey), bear, I'm pretty sure it's some sort of cat (maybe panther, Jaguar, lion...) and rabbit... although (honestly) I think I could shift to deer tick if I wanted to. Many of my shifts are rather vague. I don't remember a lot of details. I've spent the last 10 years or so doing intensive work in "controlling" the whole shifting thing. I've come to the conclusion that it's less about controlling as it is about accepting and "making friends" with.
I have a theory about "Were" being what humans are evolving towards, but there are holes in the theory so big that you can ride an elephant through them. All I can say for certain is that Weres are different from the majority of humans, in a big way.
Rules that seem to fit?
1. Above average intelligence
2. Trauma history
3. "Psychic" and or "Empathic" ability. (non-verbal communication)
4. Duality or pluralism of ego (?) involving non-human animal/s
(I don't want to say it, but I really do consider shifting to be a "requirement".)
5. Alcoholism
...no, seriously, I think there really is something to it.
Jon's controversial theory of the decade?
All Real Vampires are Weres.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The reasons why I stared calling myself a Vampire (going back to 1983)
Blood lust - since drinking tons of my own as a child (about 6 or 7 or so)... (Vampire = blood drinker)
Reincarnation - had vivid past life memories from a very young age (at least 14) (Vampire = live forever)
anti church - I was violently against the church. Priests sent me into a "rage". (Vampire = church = AAAAAAH!!!!)
solitary - I was always a loner (Vampires do not travel in groups, they're loners, PERIOD.)
ESP - (Vampires can psychically control others... hypnotize, seduce, etc.)
shifting (Vampires can turn into bats, wolves, other creatures)
effects of B12 deficiency - (Vampires are pale and have sunken eyes and receding gums... and not a lot of energy unless well fed... and CRAVE BLOOD)
slept in closets (Vampires sleep in coffins)
youthful in appearance (Vampires don't age)
nocturnal - (Vampires = light = AAAAAAAAAH!!!!!)
dreamwalker - (see ESP above)
Ability to blend although very different - (Vampires can turn into smoke... vanish... not cast shadow or reflection)
Very quiet in motion (see above)
morbidity - (Vampires = death, undead, dark, etc.)
different than others - (Vampires most certainly are)
teeth - mine are very thin and sharp, and I have a strong jaw (fangs. duh.)
and so.... to go back to shifting....
not a flaming heterosexual
It may well be that I'm just a flaming homosexual. When my being with a woman would have been seen, in the eyes of the people around me as homo, I was ok with that. The fact that to the eyes of just about everyone else it appeared to be a hetero relationship (although it seemed like the person I was with was "robbing the cradle") protected me from a lot. In that, I was "out" where it was safe to be out.
Although I find the whole binary thing offensive and wrong, it doesn't change the fact that in our society, it exists. If I'm seen holding hands with a woman, I'll be seen as hetero. If I'm holding hands with a guy, I'll be seen as homo. Depending on what I choose to do, it will attach a label to me.
What scares me about being Gay, or being seen as Gay, is the same stuff that most men fear. My skull doesn't like baseball bats. In the past, the only fear I had was when dealing with people who might get a close up of my genitals. I was "queer", but did not have to deal with being seen as such by the majority.
Being with women was safe for me... as I'm sure that it was for you (N.), because of my appearance. I was "the boy in the lesbian bar", or girls' school, or girls' locker room, etc. because the "F" on my ID gave me access. It was rather convenient, and I chuckled because of what I was able to get away with.
In the end though, I'm not so brave and strong. Although I've been "out" and a member of the Gay community for 20 years or so, in the past it was a "safe" out. When questioned I could show my papers to the Gay police and point to my girlfriend. When walking in the parade, I looked like a "straight not narrow" person.
It was an odd game.
So, here I am looking at my actual sexuality from the inside out and realizing that not only have my desires changed, but my reality has as well. It might be socially safer to be with women, but I'm not one.... and so being with one does not make me "queer". I don't have the papers to point at anymore, nor have I for the last decade. (This really pissed off a lot of people in my life. They could deal with me if they could see me as a lesbian they were safe around (no guilt by association), but without the "F" I don't get access to their girls' club anymore.)
If I follow my head and my heart and my attractions instead of interacting with people in order to work out some twisted abuse crap from my past? I think it makes me "mostly gay"... and that scares the piss out of me. If I choose to identify as such, there's a whole new contingent of people to fear.
It's all about the "straight men" isn't it? Funny how that works. No matter where I've been at, it's always the straight men that pose the threat. Such power there. It's not too surprising that I've felt safe being identified as one for the last 20 years.
All that said... I think it might just be that I have some sort of a need to be seen/identified as Gay.... where it matters. Out of the closet in the community, right back in on the street.
I guess that what it comes down to is that although I came out as "Queer" decades ago, I don't know what it's like to come out as "Gay".
Although I find the whole binary thing offensive and wrong, it doesn't change the fact that in our society, it exists. If I'm seen holding hands with a woman, I'll be seen as hetero. If I'm holding hands with a guy, I'll be seen as homo. Depending on what I choose to do, it will attach a label to me.
What scares me about being Gay, or being seen as Gay, is the same stuff that most men fear. My skull doesn't like baseball bats. In the past, the only fear I had was when dealing with people who might get a close up of my genitals. I was "queer", but did not have to deal with being seen as such by the majority.
Being with women was safe for me... as I'm sure that it was for you (N.), because of my appearance. I was "the boy in the lesbian bar", or girls' school, or girls' locker room, etc. because the "F" on my ID gave me access. It was rather convenient, and I chuckled because of what I was able to get away with.
In the end though, I'm not so brave and strong. Although I've been "out" and a member of the Gay community for 20 years or so, in the past it was a "safe" out. When questioned I could show my papers to the Gay police and point to my girlfriend. When walking in the parade, I looked like a "straight not narrow" person.
It was an odd game.
So, here I am looking at my actual sexuality from the inside out and realizing that not only have my desires changed, but my reality has as well. It might be socially safer to be with women, but I'm not one.... and so being with one does not make me "queer". I don't have the papers to point at anymore, nor have I for the last decade. (This really pissed off a lot of people in my life. They could deal with me if they could see me as a lesbian they were safe around (no guilt by association), but without the "F" I don't get access to their girls' club anymore.)
If I follow my head and my heart and my attractions instead of interacting with people in order to work out some twisted abuse crap from my past? I think it makes me "mostly gay"... and that scares the piss out of me. If I choose to identify as such, there's a whole new contingent of people to fear.
It's all about the "straight men" isn't it? Funny how that works. No matter where I've been at, it's always the straight men that pose the threat. Such power there. It's not too surprising that I've felt safe being identified as one for the last 20 years.
All that said... I think it might just be that I have some sort of a need to be seen/identified as Gay.... where it matters. Out of the closet in the community, right back in on the street.
I guess that what it comes down to is that although I came out as "Queer" decades ago, I don't know what it's like to come out as "Gay".
Retro Topic #5 (pt 2)
Sv's reply, posted @9:50am:
Okay.
Lessee...I hadn't realized before that there was an actual difference intended by the two different spellings, i.e. "psi" and "psy". I was under the impression they meant the same thing. Is this something unique to you, or common in the vamp subculture? I used "psy" as short for "psychic" not "psychological"; it sounds like that's what you mean by "psi".
Also: taking and giving? Okay. I thought that being a taker only was the defining characteristic of vampirism. Could you (or anyone who feels like it) elaborate on this a little for me? What is being given back to the donor/victim, and how, exactly?
The term "Psychological Vampire" has been used a lot, although I'll be damned if I can quote sources. I think that they're also referred to as "Emotional Vampires", but I'm not even too sure on that. I do remember seeing the term used long before "Psi" though, albeit not in the "Real" Vampire context. "Psi", in my experience, is more Internet specific, but I'm sure it came from somewhere. To me "Psi" means energy based shtuff. "Psy" is more mental shtuff. From what I've read (online) most people do distinguish between the two, but there are a lot of people who see "Psy" as short for "Psychic". (I think that LaVey actually went into "Psychic Vampires" in one book or another.) From what I know "Psi" actually is short for something... might be "psionic" energy or something like that.
I think that it's similar to "Vampire" and "Vampyre". Depending on the person, the definitions vary. To me, "Vampyre" was always a role player or costumer... but after surfing the net for a while, I found that many use "Vampyre" to mean "Real Vampire".
So, it may be my thing, but I got it from somewhere. ;)
As for giving... well, even in Vampire Lore the Vampire can create Vampires by giving his/her own blood. To me, it's about "mastering" energy. Taking alone isn't "mastering" anything. If you can't use what you have, what's it worth?
Even the run of the mill ("blood") Vampire gives to the donor. The (willing) donor gets a charge from donating. Not that the run of the mill Vampire has any clue that they're doing it, but it is being done. IMO a Psi-Vamp has the ability to harness that... to be able to charge people as easily as they can drain them. Too, they have the ability to stop draining people. A "psy" Vamp feels like a leech to people around them, and they're not even trying. (I know you've been around people like that. ;) ) A Psi Vamp can control that... they take when it's there to take, and give when it's needed by those they deem worthy. A little pompous maybe, but then... that's part of the whole Vampire thing.
Okay.
Lessee...I hadn't realized before that there was an actual difference intended by the two different spellings, i.e. "psi" and "psy". I was under the impression they meant the same thing. Is this something unique to you, or common in the vamp subculture? I used "psy" as short for "psychic" not "psychological"; it sounds like that's what you mean by "psi".
Also: taking and giving? Okay. I thought that being a taker only was the defining characteristic of vampirism. Could you (or anyone who feels like it) elaborate on this a little for me? What is being given back to the donor/victim, and how, exactly?
The term "Psychological Vampire" has been used a lot, although I'll be damned if I can quote sources. I think that they're also referred to as "Emotional Vampires", but I'm not even too sure on that. I do remember seeing the term used long before "Psi" though, albeit not in the "Real" Vampire context. "Psi", in my experience, is more Internet specific, but I'm sure it came from somewhere. To me "Psi" means energy based shtuff. "Psy" is more mental shtuff. From what I've read (online) most people do distinguish between the two, but there are a lot of people who see "Psy" as short for "Psychic". (I think that LaVey actually went into "Psychic Vampires" in one book or another.) From what I know "Psi" actually is short for something... might be "psionic" energy or something like that.
I think that it's similar to "Vampire" and "Vampyre". Depending on the person, the definitions vary. To me, "Vampyre" was always a role player or costumer... but after surfing the net for a while, I found that many use "Vampyre" to mean "Real Vampire".
So, it may be my thing, but I got it from somewhere. ;)
As for giving... well, even in Vampire Lore the Vampire can create Vampires by giving his/her own blood. To me, it's about "mastering" energy. Taking alone isn't "mastering" anything. If you can't use what you have, what's it worth?
Even the run of the mill ("blood") Vampire gives to the donor. The (willing) donor gets a charge from donating. Not that the run of the mill Vampire has any clue that they're doing it, but it is being done. IMO a Psi-Vamp has the ability to harness that... to be able to charge people as easily as they can drain them. Too, they have the ability to stop draining people. A "psy" Vamp feels like a leech to people around them, and they're not even trying. (I know you've been around people like that. ;) ) A Psi Vamp can control that... they take when it's there to take, and give when it's needed by those they deem worthy. A little pompous maybe, but then... that's part of the whole Vampire thing.
Quote of the Day (8)
"We must learn to live together as brothers or perish together as fools."
-Martin Luther King, Jr.
-Martin Luther King, Jr.
Retro Topic #5 (pt 1)
(topic first posted 3/31/04 @noon)
How does one know one is a psi-vamp? What exactly happens during an awakening?
from a topic originally posted by N. (5/14/01 9:04 pm)
I've yet to get to topic #4 in any sort of detail, but I think that what I wanted to talk about in it might cross over into this topic.
For me, the short answer (of course) is that the difference between a Psi-Vamp and a regular person is 1. The Psi-Vamp has physical, mental, and spiritual qualities that are "Vampiric", and 2. is a "master" at energy manipulation (taking and giving). I don't see Psi Vamps and Psy Vamps as the same. A Psychological Vampire is just a really manipulative person. A Psi Vamp is a person who's as entwined with Psi Energy as Blood Vamps are with Blood, and whose "Spirit" is Vampiric.
I've heard people talk about Psi-Vamps being what Blood Vamps graduate to, but I don't know if that's true or not.
How does one know one is a psi-vamp? What exactly happens during an awakening?
from a topic originally posted by N. (5/14/01 9:04 pm)
I've yet to get to topic #4 in any sort of detail, but I think that what I wanted to talk about in it might cross over into this topic.
For me, the short answer (of course) is that the difference between a Psi-Vamp and a regular person is 1. The Psi-Vamp has physical, mental, and spiritual qualities that are "Vampiric", and 2. is a "master" at energy manipulation (taking and giving). I don't see Psi Vamps and Psy Vamps as the same. A Psychological Vampire is just a really manipulative person. A Psi Vamp is a person who's as entwined with Psi Energy as Blood Vamps are with Blood, and whose "Spirit" is Vampiric.
I've heard people talk about Psi-Vamps being what Blood Vamps graduate to, but I don't know if that's true or not.
Notta Con - VI
(N.)
As soon as I have exact details, I'll post them, and I'm sure that I'll e-mail you and/or try to call so that we can all meet up without too much craziness.
I'm really looking forward to it. :)
As soon as I have exact details, I'll post them, and I'm sure that I'll e-mail you and/or try to call so that we can all meet up without too much craziness.
I'm really looking forward to it. :)
Wednesday, April 7, 2004
April 7, 2004
My head is in a bad spot. I'm sure that some of it is alcohol related, or the lack of alcohol, really. I'm feeling an odd mixture of things... depression, rage, numbness... can't really put it into words.
It's tough to go in any direction. I feel stuck.
My head's all over the place. Not good.
It's tough to go in any direction. I feel stuck.
My head's all over the place. Not good.
("Freud" cont'd further - Bondage)
I've always wondered if one's desire to tie women up ends there... if there's a desire to do harm... to kill... to do not so nice things. The whole bondage thing ties into my current "sexuality" thread, hence my coming back to this thread.
I suppose that people are into S/M or B/D for various reasons... get different things out of it. For me, I've found that it's a game I play with myself (not that I share this with my partner)... it's about how far I can get to my own line without crossing it... How far can I let myself go before the "safe word" is moot... How close to ending up having to dispose of a body can I get without actually getting there.
It's rather "unhealthy" for me. It's not a desire to "play". It's a desire to hurt/kill... and every time I allow myself to participate in S/M - B/D the danger is there that I will lose control of myself. So... it becomes a game... how close to the line can I get.
It's a game that I've recently wanted not to play anymore, because I don't feel that I can approach the line without crossing it.
Best to avoid the temptation.
I do wonder about other "tops" though... what's behind it for them...
I suppose that people are into S/M or B/D for various reasons... get different things out of it. For me, I've found that it's a game I play with myself (not that I share this with my partner)... it's about how far I can get to my own line without crossing it... How far can I let myself go before the "safe word" is moot... How close to ending up having to dispose of a body can I get without actually getting there.
It's rather "unhealthy" for me. It's not a desire to "play". It's a desire to hurt/kill... and every time I allow myself to participate in S/M - B/D the danger is there that I will lose control of myself. So... it becomes a game... how close to the line can I get.
It's a game that I've recently wanted not to play anymore, because I don't feel that I can approach the line without crossing it.
Best to avoid the temptation.
I do wonder about other "tops" though... what's behind it for them...
Notta Con - V
Well, just in case anyone was thinking about it, I think that the parade idea is officially dead. Although I don't know the exact reasons why, the whole parade has been changed around. It doesn't even look remotely fun.
That said, I'm in the process of trying to solidify plans for "Notta Con" that will put me (and A2) in Philly in the end of June. So, if anyone is seriously interested in getting together, the dates that are looking good are 6/30 - 7/2 (Wednesday through Friday). There's a Holiday Inn Express that's about $100 a night or so (Midtown), and a zillion other hotels that are a bit more pricey.
Nothing's final yet, but that's what I'm hoping will work out. Just give a post if it looks like something you'd be wanting to show up for (even if just for lunch or dinner or clubbing ;) ). It'd be nice to be able to see people.
That said, I'm in the process of trying to solidify plans for "Notta Con" that will put me (and A2) in Philly in the end of June. So, if anyone is seriously interested in getting together, the dates that are looking good are 6/30 - 7/2 (Wednesday through Friday). There's a Holiday Inn Express that's about $100 a night or so (Midtown), and a zillion other hotels that are a bit more pricey.
Nothing's final yet, but that's what I'm hoping will work out. Just give a post if it looks like something you'd be wanting to show up for (even if just for lunch or dinner or clubbing ;) ). It'd be nice to be able to see people.
Thinking on Avatars (again) 2
I should really pick one soon. Right now none of them are feeling right though. Need one that conveys rage.
Quote of the Day (7)
#1 reason to keep music education in the schools?Passing on the fact that it takes many different notes to create a beautiful symphony.
- Jon's brain
- Jon's brain
Hello (21) - III
Really good Queer Eye. They did a really great job with Mullet Man. It's on again tomorrow at 8PM, and I think also at 10PM. (It's "Mark F.")
Tuesday, April 6, 2004
(moRe: Sexuality)
Well, there's certainly a part of me that is saying "You're Gay. Just deal with it and stop trying to analyze why. Do what feels right, and stop trying to justify yourself."
Hello (21) - II
My appointment is at 7.
I have no clue when I'll be home, but hopefully not too late.
Hope your night goes ok.
I have no clue when I'll be home, but hopefully not too late.
Hope your night goes ok.
(A personal link? 3)
Spent a little time working on my bio page. It's far from perfect, but it's something.
Trying to clarifiy...
Although my sexual desires are rooted in my "subconscious", knowing what's at the root of those desires, I'm making a conscious choice not to act on that which is negative, and rather act on the desires that seem to be more "healthy".
99% of my sexual desires for women are "negative".... rooted in anger and rage. My sexual desires for men aren't rooted in that negativity. So, I'm starting to make a conscious effort to force myself away from women because I'm aware of my subconscious desire to conquer them (sexually), and I'm starting to focus more on my romantic desires for men because that desire isn't there. In that, my romantic preference is being influenced by my sexual preference (preferring not to do (sexually) what is rooted in anger and rage).
Dragon Con 2004 (w/A2 - 17)
(10:45 AM)
From Trenton on 09/26/04 to Atlanta on 09/27/04
From Atlanta on 10/02/04 to Trenton on 10/03/04
Rail Fare: $ 338.20
Accommodations Price: $ 447.00
TOTAL FARE:
$785.20
going to keep playing with dates
10:50am
...Looks like we have to travel back in October for the price to come back down. :\
11:12am
room - 850 (plus hold money)
60 - tips and cab to and from hotel
cab - 50 (me)
you train - 190
us train - 1238.20 - @700 = @500
total (not including the hold money or food, etc.) = 1650
The question is, can you come up with about $800 by then?
(Maybe we'll get a better train rate if you do it face to face or on the phone? Maybe a sob story of "we didn't really want to cancel" would work? Maybe they'll have a heart and give us back our reservation at the old price?)
From Trenton on 09/26/04 to Atlanta on 09/27/04
From Atlanta on 10/02/04 to Trenton on 10/03/04
Rail Fare: $ 338.20
Accommodations Price: $ 447.00
TOTAL FARE:
$785.20
going to keep playing with dates
10:50am
...Looks like we have to travel back in October for the price to come back down. :\
11:12am
room - 850 (plus hold money)
60 - tips and cab to and from hotel
cab - 50 (me)
you train - 190
us train - 1238.20 - @700 = @500
total (not including the hold money or food, etc.) = 1650
The question is, can you come up with about $800 by then?
(Maybe we'll get a better train rate if you do it face to face or on the phone? Maybe a sob story of "we didn't really want to cancel" would work? Maybe they'll have a heart and give us back our reservation at the old price?)
Re: Sexuality
With "aesthetic appreciation", I meant that when I look at women, I have an opinion as to whether or not they're beautiful on a physical level. I don't know that I can determine whether or not they're sexually attractive, because in a way, any woman that is some sort of a challenge is sexually attractive to me. My desire (to be explicit) to make a woman orgasm is to have "power over". If I find a woman "hot", it's because there's something there I desire to master or possess. There's never that "I want to crawl into your skin" attraction that I want to be able to feel. Like you (Sv.), I can see anything as sexual, if I try (and really, I don't have to try too hard)... but that "oneness" isn't there. She could be a dog, I'd be just as content sexually. I just cannot seem to attach heart(?)wise. I've fallen in love a couple of times in the past, with women. That said though, the minute the hearts were going, my sexual desire left. The "love of my life" was a woman I could never have... not even from day one. To me, I attach sex and women with a "conquest" thread. I also see sex with women as something I have to both try at, and as something that I'm doing to them, as opposed to with them. I just don't think that's how it's supposed to feel.
I can connect hearts with a woman I'm having sex with, as long as the connection doesn't last past that night's orgasm.
ok, with women, when I'm done, I want to roll away. The one time I slept with a guy I actually had real feelings for (above and beyond sexual), all I wanted to do was continue to touch him.... even idly... it wasn't a conscious thought, my hands just wanted to. In the morning, I didn't want him to disappear. (I didn't want to disappear.) Given, it wasn't an ideal pairing, but even with that, there was something there that was, well... equal... ok... safe.
I digress.
I guess that what all this is about is... 1) I'm having trouble dealing with the fact that I might be Gay and 2) I'm feeling disgusted by that fact that the only way I can relate to women sexually (unless shit faced) is by (at least subconsciously) seeing it as some sort of power thing. I don't like to think that I'm doing the misogyny thing (that's the "why"), but it makes me think that I might be.
The thought of having to commit to another guy is fine with me. The thought of having to commit to a woman? I just can't get there. Maybe once I could, back in high school when my heart belonged to someone I could never have (safe is good), but since then? I've failed miserably. Do I "want it all"? Sure. "All", however, doesn't necessarily mean sexual monogamy, although it does include attraction.
I don't know that there is a such thing as "mostly Gay", but I know that the thought of partnering with a woman could never include monogamy. With a guy? It's possible. It'd be a sacrifice, but it'd be one I'd easier make with a guy than with a woman.
I don't feel safe enough here to get into what exactly scares me about my sexual dealings with women, but... am I a misogynist sexually? Probably. Socially? No. Actually, I'm a feminist. It's the sexual arena that's the problem. I can "play" with friends (getting off, after all, is getting off), have sex with strangers, use them, but partner with them? As close as I could get is a "best friend" or roomate I could have sex with. If I tried to commit, I'd feel like I was missing something. I'd feel like at any moment I'd be out the door to settle with the right guy.
I guess it comes down to.... I can have sex with a woman, but I can actually sleep with a guy.
Like I said... I'm having trouble dealing with the fact that I might be Gay.
I can connect hearts with a woman I'm having sex with, as long as the connection doesn't last past that night's orgasm.
ok, with women, when I'm done, I want to roll away. The one time I slept with a guy I actually had real feelings for (above and beyond sexual), all I wanted to do was continue to touch him.... even idly... it wasn't a conscious thought, my hands just wanted to. In the morning, I didn't want him to disappear. (I didn't want to disappear.) Given, it wasn't an ideal pairing, but even with that, there was something there that was, well... equal... ok... safe.
I digress.
I guess that what all this is about is... 1) I'm having trouble dealing with the fact that I might be Gay and 2) I'm feeling disgusted by that fact that the only way I can relate to women sexually (unless shit faced) is by (at least subconsciously) seeing it as some sort of power thing. I don't like to think that I'm doing the misogyny thing (that's the "why"), but it makes me think that I might be.
The thought of having to commit to another guy is fine with me. The thought of having to commit to a woman? I just can't get there. Maybe once I could, back in high school when my heart belonged to someone I could never have (safe is good), but since then? I've failed miserably. Do I "want it all"? Sure. "All", however, doesn't necessarily mean sexual monogamy, although it does include attraction.
I don't know that there is a such thing as "mostly Gay", but I know that the thought of partnering with a woman could never include monogamy. With a guy? It's possible. It'd be a sacrifice, but it'd be one I'd easier make with a guy than with a woman.
I don't feel safe enough here to get into what exactly scares me about my sexual dealings with women, but... am I a misogynist sexually? Probably. Socially? No. Actually, I'm a feminist. It's the sexual arena that's the problem. I can "play" with friends (getting off, after all, is getting off), have sex with strangers, use them, but partner with them? As close as I could get is a "best friend" or roomate I could have sex with. If I tried to commit, I'd feel like I was missing something. I'd feel like at any moment I'd be out the door to settle with the right guy.
I guess it comes down to.... I can have sex with a woman, but I can actually sleep with a guy.
Like I said... I'm having trouble dealing with the fact that I might be Gay.
Monday, April 5, 2004
Dragon Con 2004 (w/A2 - 16)
147 days (or so)
Well, if we go back to (sort of) the original plan... (5 nights)
150 x 5 room = 750 (plus tax, hold money, etc.)
60 - tips and cab to and from hotel
cab - 50 (me)
additional train - ? (you)
I'll have at least 800 to contribute to the above.
food, gifts, room stash - extra
Well, if we go back to (sort of) the original plan... (5 nights)
150 x 5 room = 750 (plus tax, hold money, etc.)
60 - tips and cab to and from hotel
cab - 50 (me)
additional train - ? (you)
I'll have at least 800 to contribute to the above.
food, gifts, room stash - extra
Hello (21) - I
I'm getting ready to blow up the board. I'm so sick of this shit.
If Jk doesn't post in reply to me by the end of today, I'm serioously considering closing that section. It's getting damn humiliating.
If Jk doesn't post in reply to me by the end of today, I'm serioously considering closing that section. It's getting damn humiliating.
baring the soul here
Over the past few years, I've realized that (in me) there's a very heavy line between the sexual and romantic (emotional) aspects of my relationships. Sexually speaking, it's near impossible to label myself. My sexual "preference" can change minute to minute. My romantic (emotional, social, etc.) preference is more static, but not entirely so.
Lately I've been watching my romantic preference being influenced by my sexual preference. That is to say, I'm starting to make a conscious effort to force myself away from people I'm attracted to based on my subconscious desire to "act out" or resolve childhood issues.
On the one hand, it makes sense to do, on the other, I feel that I might be over intellectualizing something that I shouldn't be.
Getting past the point of using sex as a means to manipulate/humiliate/control women (read: pump my own ego up) leaves me in a bit of a confused state. See, once I take all that out of the picture, I'm not attracted to women very much at all. Emotionally, I can be friends with them (some, anyway). Aesthetically, I can tell my difference between "hot" or "not". ...but sexually? There are very few women I'm attracted to, and the closer I get to them, the less I'm sexually attracted to them. Even the women I think that I could be friends with, and even occasionally have sex with... the thought of committing to them? I don't know. It just doesn't sit right.
I've done a lot of "soul searching" over the past few years. The thought of identifying as a homosexual scares me. It used to scare me a whole hell of a lot more, but...
Am I just guilty of misogyny? Why is it that I cannot feel that I'm able to be "equal" or "partners" with a woman when it comes to "serious" relationships? I don't want to get into all the explicit details, but... the more I know a woman, the less I can make love to her. My "turn ons" with women are, in all honesty, violent or degrading towards them. I can make love to a woman to get her to fall in love with me, but once that's accomplished, I'm over it. She becomes revolting to me (sexually speaking). I've done the S/M - B/D thing for quite a long time. Seems to work fine, as long as I don't want to take it beyond something sexual. It's a kink... something I get off on... not something I desire in a mutual love-relationship (beyond occasional play with either partner being able to be at either end of the whip, so to speak).
I guess I'm just bothered by the fact that it seems I'm not capable of "partnering" with a woman. I mean, I could, as long as it was not sexual and committed... but that's not really a partnership, is it?
Lately I've been watching my romantic preference being influenced by my sexual preference. That is to say, I'm starting to make a conscious effort to force myself away from people I'm attracted to based on my subconscious desire to "act out" or resolve childhood issues.
On the one hand, it makes sense to do, on the other, I feel that I might be over intellectualizing something that I shouldn't be.
Getting past the point of using sex as a means to manipulate/humiliate/control women (read: pump my own ego up) leaves me in a bit of a confused state. See, once I take all that out of the picture, I'm not attracted to women very much at all. Emotionally, I can be friends with them (some, anyway). Aesthetically, I can tell my difference between "hot" or "not". ...but sexually? There are very few women I'm attracted to, and the closer I get to them, the less I'm sexually attracted to them. Even the women I think that I could be friends with, and even occasionally have sex with... the thought of committing to them? I don't know. It just doesn't sit right.
I've done a lot of "soul searching" over the past few years. The thought of identifying as a homosexual scares me. It used to scare me a whole hell of a lot more, but...
Am I just guilty of misogyny? Why is it that I cannot feel that I'm able to be "equal" or "partners" with a woman when it comes to "serious" relationships? I don't want to get into all the explicit details, but... the more I know a woman, the less I can make love to her. My "turn ons" with women are, in all honesty, violent or degrading towards them. I can make love to a woman to get her to fall in love with me, but once that's accomplished, I'm over it. She becomes revolting to me (sexually speaking). I've done the S/M - B/D thing for quite a long time. Seems to work fine, as long as I don't want to take it beyond something sexual. It's a kink... something I get off on... not something I desire in a mutual love-relationship (beyond occasional play with either partner being able to be at either end of the whip, so to speak).
I guess I'm just bothered by the fact that it seems I'm not capable of "partnering" with a woman. I mean, I could, as long as it was not sexual and committed... but that's not really a partnership, is it?
Quote of the Day (5)
"The paperback is very interesting but I find it will never replace the hardcover book -- it makes a very poor doorstop."
-Alfred Hitchcock
-Alfred Hitchcock
Sunday, April 4, 2004
Quote of the Day (4)
"Remember, people will judge you by your actions, not your intentions. You may have a heart of gold -- but so does a hard-boiled egg." -Anon.
...and counting
(Iraq War Stats)
minimum 8818 civilian deaths
? non - civilian
Coalition Military Fatalities Total 706
Coalition Wounded Total 3466
that's a lot of fucked-upness
minimum 8818 civilian deaths
? non - civilian
Coalition Military Fatalities Total 706
Coalition Wounded Total 3466
that's a lot of fucked-upness
Saturday, April 3, 2004
Hello (20) - XII, XIII
7:46 PM
seepy
I might end up going to bed early. I'm having trouble keeping my eyes open.
Post if you go to bed. If I'm up, I'll try calling later. If not, hopefully we'll talk in the morning.
p.s. - Don't forget to set your clocks ahead!
10:41 PM
This sleep thing isn't working very well.
seepy
I might end up going to bed early. I'm having trouble keeping my eyes open.
Post if you go to bed. If I'm up, I'll try calling later. If not, hopefully we'll talk in the morning.
p.s. - Don't forget to set your clocks ahead!
10:41 PM
This sleep thing isn't working very well.
Just venting
I really put a lot into that topic. It took a lot to write/post what I did. I just wanted to thank you for actually reading and replying to it. I'll never post like that in there again though. There's nothing more upsetting than opening up and being ignored/thread crashed... especially by someone you care about.
How u b? (17)
I b really tired. Tired of being tired. Hoping that soon the real Spring will hit and I'll feel at least a little perkier. :\
Quote of the Day (3)
Straying from Aphorisms
Ferris: I do have a test today. That wasn't bull. It's on European socialism. I mean, really, what's the point? I'm not European. I don't plan on being European. So who gives a crap if they're socialists They could be fascist anarchists. It still doesn't change the fact that I don't own a car.
-Ferris Bueller's Day Off (1986)
Ferris: I do have a test today. That wasn't bull. It's on European socialism. I mean, really, what's the point? I'm not European. I don't plan on being European. So who gives a crap if they're socialists They could be fascist anarchists. It still doesn't change the fact that I don't own a car.
-Ferris Bueller's Day Off (1986)
Friday, April 2, 2004
Quote of the Day (2)
Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it.
- Mahatma Gandhi
- Mahatma Gandhi
Hello (20) - XI
shot day
Been trying to call, but it's busy busy busy. :(
S. is going to be here earlier today, wanted to try to talk before he gets here. Still have to get in the shower.
Been trying to call, but it's busy busy busy. :(
S. is going to be here earlier today, wanted to try to talk before he gets here. Still have to get in the shower.
Thursday, April 1, 2004
Hello (20) - X
Things got really out of hand here with the kids... even (my neighbor across from me) came out to bitch. Things peaked with (my next door neighbor's daughter) getting her head bashed by some other kid.
We're all over the ring and runs.
Might head over later to put in my neighborly time with (my next door neighbor).
If you call and I don't answer, that's where I'm at. I set the VCR to tape just in case.
fun
We're all over the ring and runs.
Might head over later to put in my neighborly time with (my next door neighbor).
If you call and I don't answer, that's where I'm at. I set the VCR to tape just in case.
fun
I'm not happy.
Yes, it's 2:30 in the afternoon.
Yes, I want a beer.
No, I do not want to work out.
Yes, my head is swimming.
Yes, I do have meds for that.
No, I do not want to take them.
Yes, it sounds like there are buffalo in my hallway.
Yes, the rest of the children will be home soon.
No, I do not own a firearm.
I'm not happy.
Yes, I want a beer.
No, I do not want to work out.
Yes, my head is swimming.
Yes, I do have meds for that.
No, I do not want to take them.
Yes, it sounds like there are buffalo in my hallway.
Yes, the rest of the children will be home soon.
No, I do not own a firearm.
I'm not happy.
Quote of the Day (1)
If your body were hurting, people would send you flowers, but if your mind is hurting they throw bricks.
- Richard Berendzen
- Richard Berendzen
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