Today

I really hate this life. I really hate this country. I really hate humanity.

Do I hate myself?

No.

I feel sorry for myself.


I'm fucking trapped in a pit of shit.

making a plan

this is reality... proof to see....



Freedom has no fucking bounds, could've fooled me


proof to see....

some of us really WERE poor.

Others seek out others because...

What the fuck do you know?!? You weren't there!!!!

HOLLOW CORE.


empty skull


POSEUR.

12/22/02

Almost killed myself last night.

Next time, I'll try harder.

signature

Life is like a box of chocolates.

Unfortunately, I'm allergic to chocolate.

affirmations

The only thing more enjoyable than allowing myself to post what I truly feel and think is reading it the next day.

I crack myself up. I make myself think.

Cutter, I can really relate to you. You're a way cool person in my book, and definitely one in a million. May the new year bring you enough money to keep paying for your meds.

lucid

Had one of the most intense, lucid dreams of my life, this morning.

One of those dreams that stays with you.

One of those dreams that she or he, is in. I know you know the type. I can only guess you know the type. I can only guess that we all have them, and that we never speak of them for fear of others not understanding.

I guess it's not too important whether or not others have them. I have them.

It was just a while since I'd had one.

I feel better.

Thank you,

whoever you are.

not sleeping

I've had a "sleep disorder" forever, it seems.

I used to think that I slept like most people, but the more I asked around, the more I understood that I didn't.

I sleep like a cat (or a dog...etc.) I nap. If I say that I slept for 8 hours, that usually means 3 or 4 naps.

I used to think it was normal.


You know what happens when you don't sleep for 27 (or so) years?


YOU GET CRANKY!!!!!!

I'm full

of hate.

Today's thoughts

Looking for good people my own age is like looking for a needle in a haystack.

Most of my peers are complete assholes, sell-outs, or thoughtless idiots.

What the hell is it about this generation? Up close and personal, I find really intense people... but then they become stupid drones once the conversation is over.

The most accurate word I can think of to describe my generation?

Weak.


...not to mention "scarce".

To fight or not to fight.

Sometimes I think that the government feels that if we (the general public) get pissed off enough we'll need to be provided with an outlet. Being that most of us are pretty damn stupid and can't even admit that we're beings full of fear and serious fucking issues, we make good sheep. I think that the government, knowing this, thinks that when they start a war so that they can get more money, we'll use it as an outlet to express our rage.

I think I'm going to skip all that.

I know who I'm pissed at.

Tired of it

Every day my downstairs neighbors fight.

What the fuck is there to fight about at 6:30 in the morning?

Shut the fuck up and let the rest of us losers get some sleep!

Time Warp

Time does all sorts of funky things with me.

They say ("they" as in this that and the other person) that you should attempt to "live in the moment".

That's not always possible. Not for me, anyway.

How do I handle it? Depends on the day.

Sometimes it's good to look for messages. What is it about the past that is drawing you? What is your brain attempting to get you to focus on?

There's a line in a Peter Murphy song... "look for what seems out of place". I sort of live life that way. When things are in place, all is well... but inside, I know all is not well. So, I look for what seems out of place. Once I find it, I can focus on it.

If your past is screaming at you, listen to it. The more you attempt to get it to shut up, the louder it will scream. After all, it is you who is doing the screaming... and you're not the type to follow senseless orders, or shut up when you need to say something really important, are you?

Today's thoughts

Shaved my head today. It had grown in about an inch. I'm getting more and more lazy in my "old age".

I had an interesting thought while in the shower. Seems I always have interesting thoughts in the shower.

When did I get so scared?


I remember being a teenager. Scared of nothing. What the hell happened to me since then to make me so damn scared of everything?

I think that, inside, we're all exactly who we were at the age of 16. We spend our 20s trying to "do right" and "be adult". By the time we hit 30 or so, we figure out that we really did have all the answers at 16. Somewhere along the line we just forgot them.

I'll never be 16 again, but I'll be damned if I spend the rest of my life being afraid of the world.

Maybe in our 30's we learn how to undo our 20s.

(Beyond a fan)

(My comment, left on Ruin's website's guestbook:)

Friday 12/06/2002 8:39:03pm
Name: Cutter
Age: Old Skull
Where you live: trapped in the burbs
Favorite Ruin Song: Freedom Has No Bounds
Other bands that sound like Ruin: Well, if my soul was a band....
Comments:
There has never been a band that has had more (positive!) influence over me than Ruin. It wasn't just the words, or the music, or the band members, or the scene, or the time period. It was all of it.

Standing in the back of Abe's in late '84, getting my friend Mark to pierce my ear at the table where people paid their pennies... The music pounds and pounds, and as it pounds I stand taller and taller...

People trip over their too big boots... and laugh about chocolate donuts. There's Chuck, and Kyoko, and Karen... West Philly Hardcore... What is Hardcore? What do I know? It's 1984 and I'm only 15.

But, that was the night before I took my abused self away from the abuse.

Because someone told me..

Freedom Has No Bounds.


Thanks Ruin. Thanks for interpreting my language and providing me with the strength to cut my bonds... and for teaching me the meaning of the word "Hardcore".

bitchin'

damn meds aren't working

(most like?)

What famous people or person (try to keep it to 3 or less) do you feel that you are most like? Living or dead...regardless of age, sex, race, creed. Who do you tend to think you are most like?

Ozzy - drunk and intense, but a softy at heart
Henry Rollins - full of rage but able to laugh
Jim Morrison - no one really gets me