Just like everyone else?

[My original question posed (06/23/01 10:41 AM) - Suddenly the entire world is devoid of gender. All people are hermaphrodites, utterly androgynous in personality and form. The culture reflects this, as does all human interaction. You are still you. Living in this world, would you still want to stay a woman/female - if you are one now, or a man/male - if you are one now? (as opposed to becoming a Hermaphrodite just like everyone else) Why?]


I guess that I did a really piss-poor job of wording this question. I think that what I was attempting to ask/discuss was basically, If the tables were reversed and you were one of the very few on the planet who was other than an androgynous hermaphrodite, would you want to stay that way or would you (like many transexuals and intersexed people do now) opt for surgery in order to feel more "normal". Does being different make life hell? Absofuckinglutely. I was curious about whether or not you think that you could endure that hell... or maybe feel that "God" has something to do with it... or really think that not fitting in would not be an issue... etc., etc.

I mean, think about it....

There IS no male and there IS no female. No he's or she's or hers or hims. You have no mother, no father, just parents. You have no role models... you've heard rumors of others like you, but they all live either camouflaged as "normal" people or live a life of being discriminated against.

You're a freak.

You're missing parts.

What?!? You have no penis?!?!?! What?! No vagina!??! How do I have sex with you? Or maybe you get lucky and find a person with a fetish... ooooh, wow, you have no vagina, that really gets me hot. Can I look at you? Oh, no... sorry, I could never be seen in public with someone like you. Do you know what that would do to my career? What do you think my family would say?

Have fun dating.

Every doctor you go to sees you as a guinea pig and the expressions on the faces of medical professionals when they're just checking you out for a cold makes you know that they're freaked. All of a sudden, your genitals are important to examine, even though all you have is a runny nose. Even while growing up you were seen as an oddity and regularly "studied" by medical professionals.

You have to pay for that therapy though... the therapy that helps you get over the molestation.

Both cops and people in general often beat people like you to death, because after all, you're nothing but a freak of nature. Often, you are referred to as "it". Even your parents have said it about you. They don't know what you are.

Now... about that surgery? Don't worry, afterwards you'll blend well... you just might not ever be able to have sex again and the risk of infection is rather high. You'll have to pay for it yourself, but no worries there, if you get the cheap surgery it might only run you 15 grand or so. What? What do you mean no one will hire you? Paper trail? Oh, don't be silly, discrimination isn't legal! There's really no need to hide the fact that you were once gendered. Maybe you just need to try to blend in more? You know, they do sell prosthetics you can use in the meanwhile... But hey...

it's your CHOICE.

right?

Otherkin

I think that it's all about labels. Maybe I make connections where there are none, but what one person dubs "X" the other dubs "Y" and that doesn't change what the actual thing is. The only thing that varies is who is dubbing it. One person calls a person a "Were" and another person calls the same person "MPD" and yet another calls that person "delusional"... the person doesn't change according to who is dubbing them. They are who and what they are.

If you want to call yourself a "Wood Nymph", then by all means do so. It really doesn't matter what the labelers say a Wood Nymph is. By dubbing yourself a "Wood Nymph", you help to define just what a Wood Nymph actually is. Let others who do not call themselves Wood Nymphs change their definition. If talking to other Wood Nymphs helps to settle your mind about whether or not you're a Wood Nymph, that's fine... just don't let people put a label on you blindly. Know what I mean? Ultimately, you're the one who matters when it comes to your label. No one knows you better than you do.

I'm a rather unique person, and I'm sure that I could fall into the Otherkin camp as easily as I could fall into the Were, Vamp, Pagan, Witch, Priest, Transsexual, Intersexed, Bisexual, Transgendered, Man, Guy, Human, Old-head, Goth, Punk, Polywere, MPD, PTSD, OCD, Anal Retentive, etc., etc., ad nauseam camps. It sometimes feels good to have a label... it helps to make you feel less alone. Other times it just plain sucks. Labels often keep us in our little box and out of the boxes of others which are a lot more fun.

I've been called "Angel" and "Alien" and "Freak"... some are awed by me, others are scared of me. If I adopt a label like "Otherkin", it might help to make others understand that although I'm different, I'm nothing unnatural. I'd do this because of my own fear. I fear others, so I go to great lengths to stop their hands before they strike me. When I look at it this way, I tend to drop all the labels. Something motivated by fear is not something I want to do. True, it might be a whole hell of a lot easier to fit in somewhere and have an army of like-labeled people on my side, but things that are easy do nothing to strengthen me. I'm not too sure what life is all about, and I may never know, but my gut says that there is some sort of reward for suffering... even if it's just to serve as a lesson to others.

Every now and again I like to relax and slap a label on. I need a break every so often. Generally speaking though, "_" is the only label I wear. Even "I" doesn't always fit. I can say, "I am", but then "I" is often "We". There are just too many labels and it gets tiring shifting them around and defining them and adding and subtracting to the collection.

If you have the desire to add "Otherkin" and "Wood Nymph" to your own personal collection, then you should. It's something that you have to decide on for yourself though. Don't ask for membership to the club, it's not up to them to decide whether or not you belong. It's up to you to decide whether or not you want to belong. The others will leave if they find your presence discomforting.

I'm babbling, I suppose. I don't really know if what I'm thinking is coming across through these words.

You know who you are. Don't let other people confuse you about that. No one knows you better than yourself. It's YOUR universe. You are the center of it... no matter what label you wear... and when you add a label, you define what it means in your own universe.

So... are you a Wood Nymph?

You tell me.

107pm060201

I never write for myself anymore. I'm always online, posting posting posting. It used to be that no one else but me read my writing, now it's everyone else I'm writing for. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I suppose it's both. Writing for everyone else, I have to omit things. My writing is honest, but not complete. I don't tell people the whole truth. I really have no desire for their input on certain things. They have no clue what it's like to be me, and all they seem to base their advice on is what they know is right for them. Then, I doubt anyone would ever allow themselves to say, "Please kill yourself".

I do my best not to allow myself to think about my life and reality. When I start thinking about it, I get suicidal... or sometimes, on a better day, homicidal. I guess that I'm unique in this, otherwise the whole world would be on disability right along with me. I don't know if I'm simply buying time, or if I'm really not going to kill myself. Some days I'll say that I'll never do it, other days I'll say nothing at all. It gets scary when I start thinking. When I start thinking, I realize that the only thing keeping me alive is guilt, and maybe a little fear. I'm not alive because I really want to be. I'm alive because I fear the consequences of suicide. Pretty lame... and pretty scary. Life is about conquering fear... if I conquer that fear, then it's all over. Part of me is really wanting to die. I look forward to finding out what comes next. True, it may well be worse than this hell, but it may also be better, or maybe it will be nothing. I'll go off like a light. I won't much care then though. It could also be the same... and that's just as bad as being worse, in a way.

I've been here since October. Day in, day out, my life sucks shit. I went from living the life of a 90 year old shut-in to living the life of a dog.

I guess I just can't win.