947am122901

There are certain moments in life that seem so much more real and vivid than the rest.

Last night, sitting on the can in a local Go-Go bar, while drunk man after drunk man came in, used the urinal, and peripherally saw me sitting there feeling like a complete idiot, was one of those moments.

There's nothing like people seeing you on the can to force the reality of life down your unwilling throat.

Life sucks,

...then you flush.

Love/Hate (like a hole in the head)

I went through a period where I tried and tried with my mother... and forgave and forgave. Something happens when you hit about 20... all of a sudden you start seeing your parents in a different light... at least that's been my experience, through observation of self and others. Eventually though, I just came to the realization that I needed MY mother like I need a hole in the head.

Some of the qualities I feel that I sometimes need in a person, or qualities that I am attracted to, are qualities which I never saw in my own mother, and some of them are ones which I did. That might just be a case of people seeking out that which they lack or that which they desire to conquer... I don't know.

What I find most attractive in a woman is "will"... and intelligence. The upper-class, career woman type who has her life together and who is so incredibly willful that she'll let nothing get in her way of getting where she wants to go. I don't see my mother as someone like that... I see her as someone who always wanted to be someone like that.

Maybe it is just a case of me wanting my mommy... the mommy I expected to have, but never got.

Resolutions

It's funny... yet not... The main people I wish would post on that board probably won't.

When it comes down to it, I really don't care what these people think of me... that's really not what this is about. What gets me riled are the threats... the direct ones and the implied ones.

Something tells me that this won't get resolved. I don't care enough about them to put out the effort to "win them over", and to them, I'm not a real person. It's all a game to them, not "real". The Internet is a toy, not an extention of the world, to them.

I wish that I could see it that way, but I can't. Perhaps it's because I don't even see the people in front of my face as "real". It's all some sort of illusion... but that's the thing, whether the illusion is online or off, I try to be a good person in it. I guess that although some people try to be "good" in the reality they dub "real", they stop when they think no one is looking.

Maybe that's what the whole "God" thing is about. Someone came up with the concept of "God" so that people would at least try to be good.... because "God" is always watching.

My head is swimming a bit today... many thoughts are wrapped around many other thoughts.

The thrill is gone

Did you ever get to a point where you want to start all over?

I keep thinking about that... changing my name and trying again. From day 1, my private board/community was doomed because of all the baggage that came along with it. Enemies were already made, drama was already there.

I miss the way it felt a couple of years back, when everything was new, and "Follows Ravens" was an unknown. Now, the name has so much baggage attached to it that I can't post anywhere without crap following me. A year ago it was bad. Now, it's past bad. It just plain sucks. At this point, if another person is caught posting on one of my boards, they're immediately swarmed upon by quite a few people in order to get them to stop posting. I really don't feel like dealing with that anymore.

I think that what makes boards work is a common interest. This private board/community is now a group of friends, talking away. This is good, but I've lost (we've all lost?) one of the benefits of having a board, and that is meeting new people and learning from/teaching them. There's no easy way to bring new people in here now. The ones we know we can trust are already here. The rest either already have a grudge, or would feel slighted if they knew they were doubted and kept out for a month. No one new would feel comfortable coming in here. We already know one another. It'd be like walking into someone else's family reunion.

I'm at a loss. I'm not sure what to do.

There's a board (which I've recently come across) that I'd love "mirror". I'd love to have a board just like it...

I think that part of what makes that board look/seem interesting is that there's a common interest, and a steady flow of new members. The new members part is tough though. That means opening the board up to kids... and that can get pretty nerve wracking.


Anyway... How do we recapture what was lost? Is it possible? What is our "common interest"? Is anyone else interested in attempting to start fresh?

-Any more questions?-

When I say don't trust someone, or I say something negative about them, it's not because I'm a mean person. The ones I seem to single out... I do that for a reason. The reason is that I really don't like seeing people I care about being hurt. If I keep my mouth shut, and then someone gets hurt, it's as much my fault as it is the person doing the hurting.

The IQ test and my aching brain

Here's a good example of what I've been trying to explain in my recent posts.

Remember the car question from that IQ test... About how far apart the cars are?

The actual answer to that question is that it's impossible to tell... but you're forced to give the answer they want to hear. If you give the "real" answer, (which you'd have to do by not answering the question, because the "real" answer is not listed as an option), your IQ score would drop. Sort of odd, being that in order to figure out the actual answer to the question you'd (in my opinion) have to be a bit more intelligent.

The "real" answer would depend on a gazillion things...

Was there an earthquake?

Did one car drop into the ocean?

Was one car in reverse?

Did one of the cars hit a patch of ice and end up going in another direction?

They don't give you this information, and they're not specific enough for you to really determine the answer.


This is what my head does with every question I'm asked... so... what do I do? Tell people what they want to hear.

Anyway... the reason why I didn't list my score was because when I do, certain people suddenly have higher scores than I know they actually got. I don't know why people need to be so damn competitive, but I figure if I keep my own score private, some of those people will actually post the score they really got. I don't mind telling you people (It was 140), but if I'd posted it at (my public board/community), I guarantee that quite a few 150s would have suddenly appeared.

...enough of my rant.

IQ tests suck dookie.

looking back (more)

(and if I could go back?)

Honestly, knowing myself, it wouldn't change a thing. First off, I knew the facts then, as well as I do now. Talking to me would not have caused me to let those facts sink in any more than they did then. Think back a bit... Since when do I ever listen to anyone? I was/am much too stubborn to let the words of another influence me to much of a degree... unless she happens/happened to be my "girlfriend".

Even if things changed a bit... "I" really don't think that "I" would be a different "me". I'd just have the memory of some guy who claimed to be me attempting to gain access into the apartment.

Funny thing/odd thing is (taking this to a whole new level), that actually happened. I've done the traveling, and remember my own presence there. There's a bit of a difference between actual time travel and Astral travel though. I was there when the old me threw out that writing. I was too much of a mess to listen. I forgive myself for it, and I also know that things happen for a reason. The decisions I made at that time, right before moving to KY, were among the most critical of my entire life. I did what I had to do, but despite that, it wasn't painless. It's not that I shouldn't have thrown out the writing... it's just that I regret having to do it.

I could get into this more... but I just don't know if 1. people will understand what I'm saying and 2. I can articulate it well enough.


Yes, I wish that I could go back.
Yes, I HAVE gone back.

My wishing that I can go back is the only thing that put me there in the first place. If I didn't wish that I could go back now, I wouldn't have been there in the first place then.


(and, to clarify further...)

...there is no history.

The truth is that there's no past, no future... it's all one moment.

Think of parallel universes.... each universe consisting of one nanosecond. They all exist at the same time... but when you travel from one to another, you think that there's a such thing as "time".

Welcome to the Astral world.

looking back

Ever since I could hold a pen and form a sentence, I've been writing.

When I was about 18 or 19, I decided to attempt to distance myself from my past. Along with many other things I got rid of, I got rid of all my writing... except for 2 journals. All my childhood diaries and journals, stories, papers, notes, letters, and 2 binders full of letters I'd written to my High School girlfriend that were returned to me (She didn't want evidence. I guess it was nicer than throwing them out.) went to the trash.

To this day, I've never recovered from the loss. It is about the only thing I can say that I regret.

Because of that regret, I've become obsessive. I save everything now... every bar napkin, every e-mail, every journal... I'm working on toning it down a little... trying not to be as obsessive, but it's not working all that well.

I started a project a few years ago. Putting it all in order. It's tough to keep up with. Along with the thousands of pages of old writing I have to copy, print, or just interfile, every day I write even more. I'm, maybe 2/3 of the way there. I currently have 8,550 pages in order, and about 1500 more waiting to be interfiled. On top of that, there are about 5,000 or so more (rough estimate) that need to be copied by hand, Xeroxed, or printed before they go into the binders.

The toughest part is the older stuff. There's an old journal that has to be copied by hand because of the size of the pages. It was written in 1987. Reading it is like a painful shrink session.

It's odd. Even though I knew that I was mature for my age, I don't know that I really believed it 100%. Reading back... Even I feel sorry for that old self. I was an adult in the body of a kid. When I read those old entries, I want to find a time machine so that I can go back in time and talk to myself for a while. Answer some of the questions, reassure my old self that "it's not that you're crazy, it's that no one else can understand you because most of them are less mature than you are". I think I'd also warn that self not to throw out the old writing too.

I can't imagine having to be a "kid" again. I can only assume that early maturity has something to do with a person's soul. It was tough enough this time around, now I have yet another life under my belt. I don't know that I could make it. I nearly didn't this time. The thought of being reincarnated, at this point, is a little worrisome. I'm REALLY fucking tired. Can I get a break? There must be somewhere to exist that isn't painful. I know that growth hurts... but after this, can I get a break from growing? Just for a while?

I want to fight for that kid... the one who wrote that journal. I want to make it so that he doesn't have to hurt as badly as he does... so that his head isn't swimming... so that he can smile a little more. I don't know that I can do that though. I wanted that just as badly then as I do now, and I knew just as much. It sucks that awareness is so painful, but that's the way it is. I'm pretty sure it'll be that way again, if we do come back.

Sorta proves my point.

Now, can you tell that I actually booted everyone but 10?

(my private board/community) stats:
12/12/01 Visits 529 Posts 60
12/11/01 Visits 507 Posts 66
12/10/01 Visits 418 Posts 51
12/9/01 Visits 314 Posts 38
12/8/01 Visits 239 Posts 33
12/7/01 Visits 417 Posts 42
12/6/01 Visits 761 Posts 39
12/5/01 Visits 527 Posts 49
12/4/01 Visits 727 Posts 45
12/3/01 Visits 395 Posts 28
12/2/01 Visits 595 Posts 42
12/1/01 Visits 584 Posts 65
(my new public board - online community) CREATED
11/30/01 Visits 675 Posts 42
11/29/01 Visits 611 Posts 50
11/28/01 Visits 674 Posts 54
11/27/01 Visits 1127 Posts 36
11/26/01 Visits 1090 Posts 65
11/25/01 Visits 863 Posts 51
11/24/01 Visits 804 Posts 70
11/23/01 Visits 641 Posts 47
11/22/01 Visits 540 Posts 43
11/21/01 Visits 562 Posts 31
11/20/01 Visits 725 Posts 62
11/19/01 Visits 666 Posts 44
11/18/01 Visits 381 Posts 24
11/17/01 Visits 465 Posts 34
11/16/01 Visits 618 Posts 30
11/15/01 Visits 628 Posts 30
11/14/01 Visits 804 Posts 54

...and it's not that we've been posting more, it's that the rest of them weren't posting in the first place.

(Sort of paraphrasing myself from 1/6/01)-

...but I'd rather have a site with 10 members and 3 good posts a day, than a site with 3,000 members - most of whom are spewing crap.

The 12 days of presents!

(12/11/01 7:10pm)
Tell Sandy Claws what you want on each day. He'll spend the given amount of money, but sorry, Sandy won't give you the cash (or bonds or stocks or stuff like that), but gift certificates are ok, provided you tell him what you're using the gift certificate for, and that all the gifts are for you and only you. (He's like that Genie, giving only three wishes and demanding that you can't wish for more wishes.)

Day one, Sandy will spend $1 - $5 (American money, because Sandy is currency impaired) on you.
Day 2 - $5 - $15
Day 3 - $15 - $25
Day 4 - $25 - $50
Day 5 - $50 - $100
Day 6 - $100 - $500
Day 7 - $500 - $1,000
Day 8 - $1,000 - $5,000
Day 9 - $5,000 - $10,000
Day 10 - $10,000 - $25,000
Day 11 - $25,000 - $75,000
Day 12 - $75,000 - $100,000

---

1- 5 Super6 lottery tickets please (one a week for 5 weeks)
2 - One case of Miller Lite (30 pack - cans)
3 - A new Zippo lighter (something with a skull on it would be nice)
4 - Cigarettes please, 13 packs of American Spirit Medium box
5 - Sushi dinner
6 - Gift certificate - Borders. I need a lot of books on home improvement, and I wouldn't mind a CD or two.
7 - Gift certificate - Sears (I could really use some shelves... and a new Winter coat... maybe a bed?)
8 - Gift certificate - Staples. I need computer shtuff, and a desk chair.
9 - Doctors fees for fixing my skin
10 - Gift Certificate - Sam Ashe (stuff to put in the home studio I'll build)
11 - Gift certificate - Home Depot (stuff to build up the fixer upper I'll be able to get for under 100K)
12 - Home in NE Philly - close to shopping and transportation, single home, basement, in ground pool, fixer upper (if necessary).

Love/Hate (The definition of "abuse".)

...sort of branches into yet another topic, the definition of "abuse".

For starters, I think that what makes abuse "abuse" is what is behind the action (or lack thereof), as opposed to the action itself.

For example, if I slap my kid after he spits in my face, that's not abuse, that is (can be) a human reaction. If I slap him because he ran out in front of a car, that is (can be) discipline. If I slap my kid because I knocked over my bottle of whiskey, that's abuse.


Were my parents abusive? Yes, but not because of their disciplinary actions, or even their human reactions.

Do I fear them? No. Once you know what a person can do to you, and once you know that you can survive it, there's nothing left to fear. It is the unknown which we fear.

Love/Hate

I'm not afraid of my mother, but I am afraid of myself while around my mother. Mucho Homocidal/Suicidal shtuff goin' on there.


Anyway... what was being discussed earlier (about being afraid of ones mother) sort of makes me think on the subject of the love/hate relationship... and also about why some people cannot leave the ones who hurt them the most (abusive relationships). Do you think it's easier to leave an abusive spouse than an abusive parent? Do you think that some people seek out a spouse that mirrors one parent or the other? ...become one parent or the other?

Doubting Thomas (it kept going)

(for example...)

If I refuse to accept the fact that all Jews aren't conniving, it follows that by my definition, a Jew is a conniving person. If I believe this way, I would fall into the category of "closed minded", because I refuse to accept other people's definitions of what a "Jew" is and adhere to my own.

If I say that some Jews are conniving, but so are some other people who aren't Jews... and as well, being Jewish has nothing to do with being conniving, and vice versa, that would make me a bit more open minded than in the example above.

So - set definitions = closed minded, and loose, adaptable definitions = open minded.

So, let's picture a line. (This is polarizing, and I hate doing it, but I'm really trying hard to get you to understand what I'm saying here. )

At the beginning of the line is the closed minded person. As you move along the line, people are more and more open minded.

What is at the other end of the line?

Apparently I am.


There is no such thing as a Jew. There is no such thing as conniving. You can't define either one.

The more open your mind is/becomes, the more you realize that nothing can be defined.


I had trouble writing this. None of it makes any sense... I'm trying to speak "your language", but I keep getting tripped up. Hopefully you can make, at least, a little sense out of it.

Doubting Thomas (yet more)

This is about communicating with others. Of course it's important for them to understand what I'm saying! It's all about how people are interpretting what I'm saying!

The problem is that I cannot express myself to others... not that I have problems with what I believe in, or how others think of me.


("If people turn away from you because thay don't understand you, and are unwilling to ask for clarification if they don't undersatand, then they are not worth having in your life, at least not in your intellectual life.")

It's not that people are turning away... that's not a problem for me. If someone turns away from me (with VERY few exceptions), good riddance! People think they know what I'm saying... but they really don't... and people won't ask for clarification on something they think they already understand.

Doubting Thomas (cont'd)

It's fogginess... yet it's not.

It's tough to put into words... (it's not easy putting things into words when the problem is that you can't put things into words )

I think that it might best be explained by first discussing the difference between what you consider to be "open minded" and "closed minded". My problem comes in once you take the concept of "open mindedness" and follow it through to its logical end point.

I can't define anything. Nothing is "definable". The only definitions I have are the definitions of others, and being that there are a gazillion others, there's no one definition for anything... hence, I can't say anything that is both truthful and accurate. I can't express myself. In order to be understood and also not feel like a liar or hypocrite, I have to say even simple sentences a billion different ways.. and even then I still feel like a hypocrite because many of those ways contradict one another.

When I speak/write I always feel like a liar, so I attempt to find ways of phrasing things in order to avoid that. Attempting to do that makes even a short sentence mentally grueling. It happens more with answering questions than with asking them. If I answer a question, I have to give my opinion... but yet I have to give my opinion in the other person's language. Most of the time, if I use their language, my answer is contradictory to my own belief. This makes me a liar. If I ask a question, it's a little easier. I just ask it in their language... though it's more difficult on a board, when I have to ask the question 50 different ways in order to get people to understand what it is I'm asking... but it's still easier than attempting to state my opinion on something.

Closed minded people have set definitions of things. Open minded people don't. The problem is that my mind is so open that I can't even speak anymore without it feeling like I'm going against my own personal beliefs. One on one, I can give people the answers they want to hear, but those answers are lies. I can state what I consider to be true, but either people think I'm saying something other than what I'm saying, or they don't understand at all, because everyone is speaking different languages.

On top of all of that, there's the fact that most people don't say what they mean in the first place. They say what they've been taught to say. The only reason I know what they mean is because I've been cursed with this empathy thing.


I have a feeling I'm still not getting my point across.

(still) Doubting Thomas

As usual, and this is the problem in the first place, I can't seem to get people to understand what it is I'm actually saying. It's not that I don't know how to write, or even that writing takes any sort of effort. It's the lack of mental clarity. It ties into what I was attempting to say in that "Squaring The Circle" thread. It's just NOT like "riding a bicycle" (as you are trying to suggest)... although I really can't think up a good enough analogy to use.

Questions for vamps/weres/other (respectively)

(- I would like to hear what your definition is of what you are...in your opinion not another's
- I would like to know when you first realized/understood what you were and how
- I would like to know what being what you are entails..as in what do you do that makes you what you are)

---

In my opinion... that's so damn tough recently. I don't know what my opinions are anymore... or... maybe I just can't seem to verbalize them. Everything is truth. Everything is a lie. I believe nothing and everything.

I'm not sure what I am. Part of me thinks that I must be pretty different than most other "people". I don't see other people struggling like I do. People struggle, but... it's a different sort of struggle. I don't know if it's that I'm more evolved, less evolved, or if it's just a normal human condition to feel like you're an alien.

I've always felt this way... from day one. I've searched for appropriate labels so that I can attempt to explain myself to other people... but none seem accurate. Even the ones I once thought worked, don't anymore. From talking to others who call themselves "Vampires", I realize that label doesn't fit if I want people to understand me. The same thing with the "Were" label.

Am I human? I don't know. Most often, when I come in contact with others who call themselves "human", I know that I can't be. I just don't know if I'm superhuman or subhuman. Whatever the case though, I really wish I knew whether or not there is a mother ship coming to pick me up. I'm not ashamed of being an alien, and I don't really want to become "human". I just wish there were a few more aliens around to commiserate with.

Best movies ever

What movies would you pick to show if you had a willing audience for the day and access to any and all movies ever made?


If I were to run the projector, for a movie day for my board members, in an attempt to both enlighten and entertain us all, this would be the schedule:

The pre-lunch movie will be Fight Club (One of the most accurate MPD flicks ever). We will then have our lunch and debate the ending. At about 2PM we will be seeing Harold and Maude (I cannot say anything about this movie that might even remotely come close to expressing my love for it.), followed by some snax and conversation. Around 4PM, we're going to be seeing Same Time Next Year. (The BEST "Chick-flick" of all time!) Afterwards, we'll go to dinner and stare longingly at one another. Post-dinner, you will be viewing The Last Temptation Of Christ whilst I politely excuse myself and retire to the bar.

After the films, y'all can meet me there and, at the least, have a much better understanding of FR.


Hey! Look! Up there on the bar tv!!! It's The Nightmare Before Christmas!!!!

Favorite books

What are your top 10 favorite books of all time?


Wuthering Heights - Bronte
The Hunger - Strieber
Fables of Aesop
Insomnia - King
Celestine Prophecy - Redfield
The Lorax - Dr. Seuss
Illusions by Richard Bach
Demian - Hesse
The Satanic Bible - LaVey
The Merck Manual (Sorry! HAD to toss this one in!)

I find these stats to be pretty telling.

12/4/01 Visits 727 Posts 45
12/3/01 Visits 395 Posts 28
12/2/01 Visits 595 Posts 42
12/1/01 Visits 584 Posts 65
11/30/01 Visits 675 Posts 42
11/29/01 Visits 611 Posts 50
11/28/01 Visits 674 Posts 54
11/27/01 Visits 1127 Posts 36

Not that I didn't know that no one was posting and the bunch of us were the only ones really putting the time and energy into (my board - this online community) (not counting maybe 2 others), but shit! I deleted everyone except 10 of us, and only 7 of us are actually posting right now... and there's basically NO change in the number of posts... not to mention, we're also responsible for most of what's over at (my new public board - online community) as well.

(my new public board - online community):

12/5/01 Visits 37 Posts 4
12/4/01 Visits 366 Posts 40
12/3/01 Visits 844 Posts 66
12/2/01 Visits 583 Posts 37
12/1/01 Visits 448 Posts 34


*sighs*


(My board - online community) Totals Summary:
since 10/27/00
Visits: 221226 Posts: 19441 (that there's a LOT of readin'!)

hurting

Listening to "Whatever's For Us"... "It Could Have Been Better"...


I think of my "dad"...


I miss him... a lot...


Things I really want to do...

Watch football games
Listen to Joan's CDs
Eat pizza
play cards

just be in the same room.


I really DO love you.

Don't know what that means.

(some board stress)

At the moment, I don't know how much longer I'm keeping (my board) open. I'm sort of tired of having people spit in my face when I bust my ass for them.

Even now, I'm giving (someone) what he wanted. He prides himself on being banned from boards. I guess he can add this one to his list.


I've got some thinking to do.

---

(12/1/01 3:23 am)

I'm really pretty tired of this shit. For over a year now, I've done nothing but run this board, try to make people happy, do people favors, look the other way, try to keep things interesting, deal with people's attitude problems, be as nice as I can to people, bite my tongue, and keep (my board) a fun place to be. I'm tired. Tired of being slapped in the face, tired of trying to get people to post, tired of coming up with topic after topic and reply after reply... just fucking tired.

I could really use some input right about now.

---

(12/1/01 2:58 pm)

Just a warning here. Things are about to get A LOT different in the next day or so. Please keep an eye on your e-mail and whatever the case, don't take anything personally. I'm just too fried to deal with much right now, and I'm attempting to save what I can of this board, rather than breaking up what's left of the "family".

(the internet and isolation)

I, personally, don't think that women are whores for liking sex... but I'm not so sure that's what this (what was said) is all about. I think that it's more about the feeling that many people have that they somehow aren't complete without a life companion. It doesn't really have anything to do with sex, actually.

Maybe I'm unique in that I draw a line between the two... that's highly possible, judging by what I read. There was a poll in which someone asked about which we'd rather have... love without sex or sex without love. I think I was in the minority there.

Sex is sex. I'm my own companion... and what I can't provide for myself, my friends do rather well. I'd rather have the sex. Sex is like tv. It's fun! I don't really need either one, but because I already have love (from myself and my friends), I'll opt for the sex. I don't have that every day. I love myself enough, and my friends love me. I have plenty of love, so I'd rather have the sex without the whole "mate" thing. Seems that most people want the love/ "mate" a lot more than the sex. That's where I think that "loving yourself" comes in. If you feel complete without a "mate", you don't need the love of a mate to feel complete. (In some parallel universe that makes sense.)


Actually, even what was written in the Thanksgiving thread was something that I had trouble understanding. Many people really do feel alone without a "mate", no matter who else is around them. That's not something I understand too well.

When people talk about "loving oneself", I don't think it's about not wanting sex. I think that it's about not needing the sex, or the committed person to have sex with, in order to feel whole.

my motto?

There's strength in aloneness.

just posting

My soul hurts.

I don't think that anyone understands what I'm saying, and I really don't expect anyone to, but...


My fucking SOUL HURTS!!!!

Squaring The Circle (a swirl of black and white?)

nope.


It's not that.


I've long known that being "enlightened" leads to what others would call "insanity". ...and as for "wiser than I realize", I can guarantee you that nothing could be further from the truth. I border on being completely pompous about that. (I just tend to keep my mouth/fingers shut, which is what any "enlightened" person would do.)

I'm fine being labeled insane. (Well, most days I am.) I'm not fine with being unable to communicate.

(FROM BIRTH)

Allegedly there are certain signs and "marks of the beast" that let you know when a child is born differently. Any unusual signs or symptoms?

I was breech.
I have a birthmark/white patch on the left side of my head. It looks like a backwards "C" or the number 7.
My eyes are pretty unique.
From what I'm told, I've always had "ESP".

I remember being born. Does that count?

What did I do?

I'm alone.

I'm making a turkey and stuffing for myself.

I cut my hair and did some laundry.

I talked to myself/selves for a while.


How can you say that you're alone when you're with your son? I'd think that would hurt his feelings a bit.

(Yes, to be more accurate...)

I've been legally insane for quite a while, and what other people would call insane for even longer.

There's a difference between that and feeling yourself going mad.

Squaring The Circle (points)

*shrugs*


I think that there are many points... but the main one is that I think that I'm going insane.



take it for what it's worth.

an old one

Sitting in the park. There's some sort of festival or something here today. I found a place to sit, but the park's pretty crowded. A lot of stands and booths and stuff. There's a guy playing guitar and singing. His voice reminds me of Kristen Hall's. He's taking a break now though. It's hot out, but at least out here in the shade there's some form of air. My apartment is pretty stuffy.

Want to smoke, but I'm sharing this bench with another person. I don't want to annoy her. What a strange world this is. I worry about a cigarette while trucks pass by less than 100 yards away from me. It's a hypocritical world.

Found myself thinking, on the way here, about people's past view of kids and Africans. Being that, in the past, African people were thought to be lower than human, why were there so many African-American "nannies"? Was it because people secretly trusted African-American women, or because they didn't really care about their kids? There were no child labor laws way back either. Perhaps seeing your children as things was the way back then. It's no wonder we are where we are.

There was once a trial, in the Christian church, to determine whether or not women had souls. (By one vote it was decided that they did.) Wonder what the view of children was. Did they get a trial; or was it not even a question?

This guy is doing all cover tunes. He's really not that great. Well, at least he has the guts to get up there.

So many people... Yesterday, most were in suits and stern faces. Today they're dressed "casual", pushing strollers or cruising for someone to create the need for a stroller with. To my left there's a stand where bottled water is being sold. Sad. In front of me, near the guitarist, is a flower stand. Profit from the earth. Sad. This is supposed to be a festival... a happy thing. Why then, am I feeling disgust? What am I missing? If people like this sort of thing, why isn't every day like this? I suppose that in order to sell the water and flowers, as opposed to giving them away, people must "work". They must pollute the other water so that bottled water is a NEED. They must pave the forest and fields, so that flowers are scarce. They must sell their souls to feel self-worth.

Wish this guy would stop singing out of his nose.

There are no squirrels here today. I guess they know better.

The guitar man is trying to cover an Indigo Girls song. This is painful to the ears.

To my far left is a rather large inflated Tyrannosaurus Rex. Perhaps one day, a large inflated Homo Sapiens Sapiens will grace the festival of the supreme cockroaches. Wonder if there'd be bottled water there too.

Got a bug bite. It's good to know that I'm useful in some way.

Wonder how long I can sit here. Need cold. Want somewhere cold to sleep. Want to feel healthy. Want to feel positive. So tired.

Why do people feel the need to torture themselves every day? They "work out", abusing their bodies until their muscles swell in agony. They work at jobs which they hate. They dress in clothes that are uncomfortable and walk in shoes not meant for any human's feet. Isn't torturing one's self daily unhealthy? Perhaps there's some sort of higher plan. Perhaps by manipulating people to torture themselves, someone else doesn't have to do it. Slaves that whip themselves. Wonder. Who's running this place anyway?

The bugs are starting to get to me, and I'm sweating. Guess I should go home, at least there, there's a fan. I think that it very well may be a lot less torturous than this "festival".


© 1997 (by JBW)

(TRYING to clarify)

The problem is that it's getting to be that I can't see white... I can't see black either... yet, I can see them both... it's all just swirling colors... nothing has definition... but that's the only thing that seems to have definition

nothing.

(They say...)

They say ignorance is bliss... I tend to agree... but then, I'm a miserable prick.

(clarifying) Squaring The Circle

Just a note on this (for now). The comment about the grey was a bit of a metaphor... I phrased it that way because of c.'s signature line.

Whether you see it as grey or as multicolored, it's the same point. The problem is my inability... or maybe it's my decreasing ability... to see things as black and white... as defined, like most of the world seems to be able to.

(about) The Pentagram

Even the pentagram tattooed on my wrist is neither upright nor inverted. Again, the reasons for this are many, but in so far as this context is concerned, it's because I think that, ideally, the pentagram should rotate... that people should move in life, not remain still... healthy or not. The more you strengthen one point, the heavier (or maybe lighter?) it gets, pulling up the next point to work on. I'm not sure that's the best way to describe what I mean, but the concept is that if you keep working, and you're balanced, you should keep moving.


If I'm being realistic about my own self right now, I'm not moving... and on top of that, the pentagram is inverted. I think I've been like this for about 4 years or so.

The point that is stuck in the ground, so to speak, is difficult to determine. I think that it's the Emotional part though. My poor emotional state is holding up the works. Depending on the day, I feel nothing, or too much.

Above that stuck Emotional point are the Physical and Mental points. My Physical health is pretty poor... on many levels, and some of the reason why it is so poor is because of the fact that my Mental capacity is compromised as well. It's not that I can't do things, it's that I can't do them right now, because of being held still by that Emotional point.

On top are the Intellectual and Spiritual points... but even those areas are sinking fast.

I don't really know what the solution is. Logic would say that if I strengthen the other four points, it might be enough to pull the emotional point out of the ground and get things rolling again... but I don't know if that's the way it works. I've tried, but that emotional point is still stuck.

...then, I guess if I knew the answer, I wouldn't be stuck in the first place.

The Pentagram

The pentagram - or, five pointed star, has long been a symbol that I call my own. There are a number of reasons for this, many things that I feel it represents, but for now, I'll just go into one of them.

In life, I believe, there are five main levels of being... or 5 levels that a person should focus on to be, pretty much, the best they can be. (Sometimes I believe that there are only three, but it depends on the day you ask me. ) The pentagram, to me, represents those 5 levels. The levels are: Physical, Emotional, Mental, Intellectual, and Spiritual. How one chooses to live their life will determine which level points up or down, etc.


The Physical - good health, good shape, etc.
The Emotional - a good balance of sensitivity... not numb and not too oversensitive
The Mental - your talents, how well your brain and body interact, your personalitiy traits
The Intellectual - what you know, how much knowledge you have stored in your noggin
The Spiritual - your number and variety of experiences (soul age too, for those who believe in that) and how well in touch with and true to yourself you are

Squaring The Circle

I'm not sure how many topics on labeling and definitions I've posted. I'm sure I've posted quite a few, but I've yet to settle my brain on the subject.

I guess that my main question/confusion is that...

If there is no such thing as a "universal definition" and a label is what the person who wears it says it is, then how can we communicate?

My suspicion there is that we can't. Life is a constant struggle to say what we think others want to hear in order to not offend them, yet also say what we mean.

Why is it that I can say a woman is a woman if she says she's a woman, yet in the next breath I say, "No, a Were is an evolved human."? Is it that I simply follow my own rule book? Follow my own raw nerves? Draw the line at... I'll respect your label as long as it doesn't cause one of mine to slide off?

I guess another question is, how can I convey who or what I am without either disrespecting someone or having to change my own label? If I refuse to call someone a "Vampire" because they do not fit my definition of a "Vampire", am I any better than someone who thinks all women have XX chromosomes?

I find myself feeling less and less able to communicate. The more I, by my own standards, evolve and become enlightened... the more I see things as they, by my own standards, truly are, the more I'm left unable to form sentences.

The more I see that there is no Black and White, the more the Grey eats away at my brain and makes me solidify my definition of the word "insane".

(getting radicalized?)

FR... nice to see you getting radicalized, old buddy. if you ever feel inclined to become activist (as opposed to just rant-ivist), let me know... i have connections.

there *are* things one can do.


*chuckles* been there, done that... now I do it from behind my keyboard and in other little grassroots ways.


If you know a rich old lady or old man who wants to sponsor a poor boy through Med school, that's probably the direction I'm heading in.... but that's another topic.

(On my definitions.)

As for the "Transsexual" definition, I'm sure that it varies from person to person... but... I think that many transsexuals (by my definition) are first Transgendered, then Intersexed. To me, "Trans" means (literally) "to cross". The average person who calls themself a transsexual does not change sexes. She/he corrects documents. In many (if not most) cases, I see (for example) an MtF "trans" person as a woman who was mislabeled. By my (current) definition, a "Transsexual" is someone who was fine being a "B", but then decided to become a "C" because as they grew, they changed.


As for the Were/Vamp thing... For now, I use the word "evolved" to mean (in my book), evolved differently. I don't think that Weres and Vamps are superior to humans... just different. Humans, as a whole, evolved a specific way from primates. I think that maybe Weres and Vamps did too, but they evolved differently... perhaps they mutated from the rest of the humans, in a way... I'm not really sure... but, in all cases, the Weres and/or Vamps that I've met have lacked certain "human" traits but have other non-human ones.

I've yet to determine if Weres and Vamps evolved/mutated from humans or evolved/mutated from the common primate... but, for now, I like to think positive... that the human race is actually still evolving.

(Why life sucks.) cont'd

I often have problems articulating the thoughts which race through my head.

This is the way I see things...

N.... you're N. Whether or not you have surgery, you'll always be N., to me. You're no more or less of a woman because of the parts you have. If you choose to have surgery because it will make you happy, then I'm all for it. I love you. I want you to be happy... but... BUT.... no matter what surgeries you do or don't have, you're a NORMAL, WONDERFUL, person, deserving of the utmost respect....no.... more than that... you're a NORMAL, WONDERFUL, WOMAN, deserving of the utmost respect.

People who don't fit into the stereotypes live a life of fear... so much so that many opt to change their body... to MUTILATE THEMSELVES! This should NOT be the case. If your parts feel wrong, by all means, change them... but you shouldn't HAVE to in order to live a life free of fear.

I know that the reality is that in order to live a life free of fear, you're almost FORCED to opt for surgery... I just wish that weren't the case.

If you do opt for that surgery (N., or anyone else reading this)... PLEASE... NEVER forget... NEVER shut up... NEVER forget what it's like to live in fear. People should NOT have to change their bodies in order to avoid being beat (or neglected) to death.

(Why life sucks.)

"Mutilated at birth" is what some intersexed people go through.

Most of my anger has to do with the non-acceptance of people who don't fall into the stereotypes.

By the definitions of many, N., you too are "Intersexed". The brain is an organ. You have aspects of both/all sexes right now.


Again, it's about seeing things as either black and white, or various colors and shades.

I'm glad that your life no longer sucks... I just hope that between now and your surgery, you don't get into a car wreck.


It's really fucking twisted that people who opt NOT to have surgery are treated the way they are... whether they label themselves Trans, Intersexed, Male, Female, or anything else. Surgery should NOT be required to be respected for who you are.

People are people. I don't give a rats ass what's in a person's pants. I don't even care what clothes a person wears or how much hair they have where. ALL people deserve to be respected as people, whether or not they conform to the stereotypes.

(disempower the doctors?)

I disagree... DON'T take the power away from the doctors... EDUCATE THEM! (and also, make it easier for poor, understanding, nice, open minded people to afford medical degrees!!! I know it's a generalization, but the rich are often WAY sheltered. We need more doctors who know what it's like to SUFFER!) I'm glad that some can choose things like (safer) birthing centers, but along with supporting the safer options, we also need to educate. Educating Police, Fire, and Rescue people is also something that is WAY needed. At this point, I'd rather slit my wrist than ever need any emergency assistance from any of them... and yes, I do carry a razor blade for the occasion.

(just my 4 cents)

Vampires

I feel the need to post at length about what I consider a "Vampire" to be... but I know that what I say will piss off A LOT of people.

I've given the subject quite a bit of thought, and I've held many opinions. As I grow, my opinions change. Where I stand now is not where I stood even a year ago.

I think that I've become quite the purist in my views... but it's only fair to allow people to wear the label of their choice. So, basically, if many of the people I've come across in the past few years are Vampires (both "Psi" and "Sang"), I'm not one.

*shrugs*

That's probably offensive enough, I won't go into all of the details.

110601

(9:39am - Book It!)

When it comes to matters of the spirit, it's one thing to write about about what you've learned, or a book offering guidance or opinions; it's another to write a book saying that what people need is a service which only YOU (or those like you) can provide.

---

(9:44am - Bravery)

What do people think courage and bravery are?
I think that bravery means being scared shitless, but doing it anyway.

Can anyone give examples?
An Iron Worker with a fear of heights?

How many people think they are brave?
I think that I might be. I'm afraid of everything, and I haven't killed myself yet.

Don't proselytize.

I sort of see it like this... If I want to go to church, I know where to find one. If I want to read a bible, I know where to find one. If you continue to spit bible passages at me, I know where to find enough spit to grace you with in return.

(12:26pm or...)

Hand me a book, and I'll read it if I'm interested. Grab a bullhorn and read from it in front of my bedroom window and I'll beat the pulp out of you with it.

533pm102601

I've felt sick, sicker than usual, the last few days. I think I have the flu... but I must confess that I secretly hope for Anthrax.

(The scariest movie ever, in my opinion?)

Without a doubt...

Sliver


p.s. - as for why...

I'm already paranoid enough! EEK!!!!


(Invasion Of The Body Snatchers ('78) comes in a VERY close second though... and wins, hands down, for most traumatizing movie for me. (for me, scary = plays on current fears. traumatizing = CREATES them!))

Signs

September 10th, 2 large crows perched in a tree near me and began cawing in unison. Generally, crows don't do this. Crows communicate in a call and answer type way. They don't start screaming together. I've always been given signs by birds, crows especially. When they did what they did on the 10th, I had no clue as to what they were attempting to tell me (as usual), and I was way too tired from my trip home from Atlanta to give it a lot of thought.

September 11th, before I heard anything about the WTC or Pentagon, a sparrow perched on the yard gate a few feet from me and just sat there. The sparrow looked either ill or old... and didn't fly away, as sparrows will do, when I noticed it. I did the usual, tried to figure out what it was trying to tell me. After I (mentally) said, "Death?", it flew away.

When I'm on the right track in life, the birds will leave me a feather. I did receive a feather on the 10th. So, I knew that was where I should be... I thought that all was well... then, I suppose that's just a matter of perspective.

Well, I suppose that I know now what those birds were telling me. It's odd how signs are often only apparent afterwards.


Last night (this morning) around 4AM, I went out for a smoke. As usual (especially now, when the sky in my area has been full of military planes), I looked up at the sky. The moon was out, and it was amazingly clear. Then, I saw a shooting star.

I haven't seen a shooting star since 1988, when I was in Kentucky, where it's clear enough to see them quite often. So, immediately I thought, "What does this mean?"

I'm wondering if it's something good, or something bad... or if it's anything more than just coincidence that I was up at 4AM, looking in the right direction, and happened to see it.

I guess I'll find out.

(Does the world need saving?)

The world's biggest problem is human overpopulation... and there are only two answers to that problem...

I don't think that we'll be colonizing Mars anytime soon.


The world is being saved as we speak.

(Mystic's) faith.

I feel like I could write SO much... but I'm sure that most of it wouldn't come out how I meant it... my head has been more muddy than usual lately. :(

I'm glad that you wrote what you did, Mystic. The more I find out about you, the more fascinated I am.

I'm not a "religious" person. I don't go to church. I don't follow a set religion. "Neo-Pagan" is as close as I can get to a label. There are aspects of many religions in my own personal belief system.

I do recognize that religion is a very wonderful thing for some people though. I've known many who have gotten through life a lot easier because of the church they attend, the religion they practice, or the rituals they perform.

I see it like this...

If a person is a good person, I really don't care what they believe in or which church they attend, if any. Nothing works for everyone.. so each person has to find what works for them individually.

If your LDS beliefs have helped to make you who you are, then I'm glad that the church was there for you. I think you're one of the most wonderful and admirable people I've ever had the pleasure of meeting... so, a big thank you goes out to those Mormons, from me, for being there for you when you needed them... and a big thank you goes out to you, from me, for staying true to yourself. That you did so, makes me happy.

Just my personal opinion, but a good thing to keep in mind is that the church is there when you need it. You can always go... even if it's only once in a while. Go when you need to, or go when you have the extra energy to share... but don't feel obligated to go. Forcing yourself to do something and going through the motions does no good for anyone, when it comes to matters of the spirit. Besides, from what I hear, Jesus was a pretty understanding guy, so I don't think that he'll hold it against you. ;)

-77 Satans

ok, so... how many more people have to be blown up before we actually do something about it?


I know, lets send the country that's protecting them some more food. Yeah, that makes fucking sense. Can't even manage to give our own Seniors, Disabled, and Poor decent financial and medical assistance, but we can send it over there.

Ain't it funny how the country managed to find BILLIONS of dollars for the people affected by the WTC? Those poor working class people... I'm sure none of them had insurance. Oh dear... maybe they'll have to go on welfare...

oh, wait, right, that's just for people who don't WANT to work... right... I forgot

God forbid a stock broker's wife has to struggle... just like most of the fucking people in this country

Yeah, but Brad Pitt will save the day!!!!

Wonder where the fuck Brad Pitt is when some little kid is shot in the projects because his single mom has to go to her job at McDonald's in order to feed him, his 3 siblings, 4 cousins and grandmother and couldn't stay home to educate him or protect him.

...but we're a COMPASSIONATE people!!!

Fucking right... when it hits big business in the wallet, all of a sudden we can...


...find BILLIONS of dollars for AFGHANISTAN...

...the average Senior Citizen still lives in a one room, roach infested, apartment with little food because all their money goes to medications...

...and the average criminal gets a free college education...

The rich get richer, the poor get poorer.... and those without cash for gas masks and their own means of transportation can just go to hell.


I AM NOT very happy with my country today.

FUCKING DO SOMETHING!!!!

Predetermining sex and gender?

I always thought that it should be just fine having (or adopting) a child and allowing them to decide for themself which sex and gender labels they want to use... and how they want to express that choice.

...allowing people to continue the bullshit of polarizing sex, and allowing the people in medicine to further fill peoples heads with LIES? That gets to me. You CAN'T choose the sex and gender of your child!!! CHROMOSOMES DO NOT DETERMINE SEX AND GENDER!

Death?

I've never feared death either... it's the pain and to some degree... the humiliation... suffering it or inflicting it (before/during/after) that I fear. Death is just NOT pretty.


One of my favorite quotes, from one of the world's oldest (over 100 years old) women, when asked for advice about life...

EAT MORE ICE CREAM!

I fight when I FEEL like it.

I think a lot of those "canned" reactions (you made reference to) were just emotional outbursts. I know that the first thing I thought/felt was, nuke 'em... but when someone I love is in danger, I tend to react that way.

I spent all of 9/11 as close to tears as I've been in quite a while... not for the loss of life, or the fear, or anything like that. My first thought was, "Shit, if Palestine is responsible for this, my dad is dead." I then walked around like a zombie until my sister got in touch with him, and even after that I still worried. I still worry now, but that's usual. I always worry about him and wish he'd get out of the Middle East.

Now? I'm in limbo, on many levels. I'm just waiting... waiting to see what this "new war" will look like... how it will affect me and my loved ones. I know that it might sound cold that I'm not walking around mourning the WTC, Pentagon, and PA people who died and feeling sympathy for the ones they left behind... but I'm not. I don't know anyone directly affected, and it may as well have been a movie. I know that it's just awful.... oh, how cold and uncaring... whatever. It's a shame. It sucks that anyone has to hurt... but I don't feel emotionally moved because of it. That's just the way I am. I dissociate. It's what I do best.

My life has not changed. I have not lost any loved ones. They say that life will change... more so than usual, I think they mean. So, I'm waiting. In the back of my mind is a bit of anger, because I really liked New York... and someone really fucked up the atmosphere... but there are no violins playing. In truth, there's even a little bit of excitement about it all. It makes life a little less boring, doesn't it?

I'll give my comments on the movie, but it's still just a movie. It hasn't affected me personally.

there, how's that for honesty?

(About the "loss of freedom"...)

I'm sure that I'll get people who disagree with me... but that's nothing new.

About the "loss of freedom"...

In all honesty, I can't think of anyone that this has impacted more than Arabic and Islamic Americans. They're now under constant suspicion. They're walking targets... not just targets for the idiotic few who do not know the difference between "Terrorist" and "Darker than pink-skinned American", but targets for the U.S. government as well. If you're an Arab or Islamic American and had plans to fly anywhere over the past week, you're toast. If you're an Arab or Islamic American and happen to have relatives in Afghanistan, you and they are both toast.

I'm used to being searched at airports. Any biker, punker, odd-ball, dude with a cock ring or freak is used to it. It's called being unique. I'm used to being afraid to leave my house. It's called living in the inner city. I'm used to being afraid of cops. It's called being intersexed. I'm used to being afraid of my neighbor. It's called paranoia.

Have I lost my freedom because some idiot decided to play kamakaze with the WTC and the Pentagon? Nope. My life has changed little. There's just a little more fear about the drinking water.

...but I can't say the same for the people in this country who have the (right now, bad) luck of being of Arabic, Indian, African American, or of other dark skinned heritage who attempt to follow their religion and dress accordingly. Ask them about their freedom, and they'll most likely say... it's toast.

We're wiping out terrorism?

ok... how 'bout we start with the KKK?

Americans are no saints. We're human, just like the rest of the world. Wish we could act that way.

again...

That was not posted meaning that I feel that people shouldn't pray. It was about my being bothered that church (ALL churches, not just Christian churches) and state were not being kept separate.

It's not that I'm pissed that the Pagans were left out of the big prayer ceremony (although in all fairness, when you say ALL religions, you should do a better job at including ALL religions), it's that officially declaring a day of prayer is not something Bush has the license to do. Prayer is a spiritual practice... and at the least, an issue of morals. It is not the job of the government to dictate our morals, only to enforce laws. We are not "one nation, under God", we are one nation under a constitution.

People have their faith right now, and that is good... but we also need our government, and we need that government to represent us as a country, not as a "nation under God". If this is ever to be a "nation under God", I'm moving. The fact that I have the freedom to be as non-religious, or as religious as I care to be is one of the reasons I love my country. The fact that we are a nation full of people, some of who are "God fearing" and some of who are Atheists is what makes this country so great.

how's THAT for timing?

It's all one big blur... doesn't feel like I've been home less than a week.

There was so much that I wanted to write about the gathering... but now it seems that I can't get my head to stop spinning long enough. It feels like Dragon Con was years ago, as opposed to a couple of weeks.

analogy

If you saw a guy beating the living shit out of his wife, would you intervene?

Is it none of your business?

What if the woman cries out for help?

What if the woman cannot cry out for help for fear of being beaten even worse?



It's all good. It's your right to keep walking. I'm blowing the guy's nuts off... and I'll arm the woman every time, even if she later comes back to shoot me.


-FR the Underdog

ok, let me clarify.

Most people have been praying for 4 days. Prayer is good for many. Faith is what is getting a good number of people through all of this right now.

My post is not about whether or not prayer is good, or even whether or not George Bush should pray. It's about the fact that it is NOT the job of George Bush to be a spiritual leader. To decalre this "a day of prayer..." is not something George Bush has the authority (or, in my opinion, the right) to do. His primary jobs are Diplomat and Commander In Chief of the Armed Forces. This is NOT a Theocracy.

In God we do NOT ALL trust.

SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND STATE

Do your job, Mr. Bush.... take care of the military and the financial stuff and the politics...

DO NOT TELL ME WHEN TO OR EVEN IF I SHOULD PRAY!!!!!!!

(WTC - The next morning)

I have a lot to say, but words fail me. I'm sure that I cannot articulate all of what is running through my head. I'll try though.

My first reaction, the natural emotional response, is to just nuke 'em and ask questions later.

This is not a logical thought, it is an emotional reaction.

My suspicion is that whatever retaliatory actions occur, they will not occur before the death toll is released to the public. It's simple psychology. You have to get people good and angry before you commit an action akin to what the "enemy" did in the first place.

They know who is responsible. Right now, they're waiting, planning, and giving the American people the time to shift from the mourning stage to the anger stage.

Will this become WWIII? It's possible... and I know that they've already decided whether or not it will be. My hunch has been, and still is, AIDS isn't working as well as they hoped, only war will do the trick. Problem #1 on this planet is overpopulation. The people behind the scenes know this and are doing what they think is necessary to handle the problem. There's a reason why they didn't kill Sadam and why they didn't kill bin Laden already. People like these are needed in the big plan.

I'm glad I got home Monday as opposed to Tuesday (the original date I'd wanted to return). It would have sucked to have been stuck in Washington DC (which is where my train was 9AM Monday). I hope that people start thinking about the trains though. No bags are checked on the train. Anyone could bring a suitcase full of explosives on board and detonate them in a train station.

I'm impressed with the people of NYC and DC. No one is using this as an excuse to commit crime, so far... and everyone seems to be pulling together. Someone asked what it would take for North America to unite. I'd not had the time to reply to that thread, although I had an answer in my head. Hopefully this answers that question even better than I could have.

I've been instructed to pack a bag... just in case we have to get out of Dodge quickly ...heading North to the mountains if things get out of control. I fear not having my necessary meds. I fear having no money. I fear the life that might be in front of me if this does move towards WWIII. I don't know how long I'll last.

Bush is speaking as I write this... I fear what he will say. I fear that he'll say nothing (like he did last night). I fear that he'll say something, and that life will drastically change.


...and so he says nothing.

I suppose that I still just want blood.

Call me a Vampire.

(World trade center!)

I've been in transit over the last couple of days. What did I miss?

(At the root of it...)

I would think that the taboo has its roots in health reasons. (people drinking the blood of animals, that is) All carnivores and omnivores consume at least a little blood of the other creatures they eat. Uncooked meat is potentially unhealthy though. (That's why gravy isn't taboo.) The taboo with people drinking the blood of other people probably stems from a fear of being attacked by another person. It also may be linked to the cannibalism taboo, and linked to the nonhuman-animals-are-lower mentality. You don't eat your own kind, only that which is lesser than you.


Just a guess.

fucking idiots

"I htink the general view on most transsexuals is that they are gay and that is why they are having the operation is to escape the stigma of being homosexual."

Anyone who thinks that being a transsexual has anything to do with being Gay is an idiot. Escaping a stigma?!?! LMAO Right, it's a lot less of a stigma to be labeled a transsexual.

...and yes, I was being sarcastic. One of those...

Right, it's a lot less of a stigma to be labeled a tranny than a homo.... AS IF!

(sarcasm is pretty tough to convey in writing sometimes)

ummmm.....

ok... leave it to me to be nit-picky, but.... by your definition, most people are Vampires. What do you think gravy is?

By my definition (although maybe incorrect in the books of some), Vampires are those who desire/need/consume the blood of their own species.

...unless you're saying that Vampires are not human... in which case...

that's a whole 'nother can o' worms.

...and another new record:

1115 hits
134 posts

woohoo?

(Insomnia)

I read somewhere that a scientific study showed that eating bananas or having sex will help quelch insomnia.

...figures, I'm allergic to bananas.

I've had insomnia (or some form of sleep disorder) since I was about 6.

What works for me? Nothing really. I can manage to pass out for a few hours if I drink enough though... and if I add drugs, I can get a whopping 5 straight hours! woohoo!

Just so you know...

This may be online... but it's still life... and I take life pretty seriously.

(My board) Stats (new record)

8/14/01 Visits 1288 Posts 133

The visits to posts ratio is normal. The number of posts is through the roof. Impressive on one level, I'm glad that the board is kicking some serious ass in so far as boards go... but it's a hell of a lot of reading for me to do.

I really miss being able to do some serious posting... and writing long e-mails to people I care about. I just don't get the chance to anymore. All I do these days is READ and run the board.

Hopefully things will mellow out a bit soon... or I'll get more used to it.

fuck you

Oh!
I'm sorry!
What was it that you wanted?
Blood?
Oh!
ok!
here...!

better now?

(on the outburst)

Sometimes getting the outburst out of one's system enables one to speak rationally.

I'll just quote myself here:

"For the record, if I was in a better financial place and had a wife, I'd love for her to carry my clone or splice her DNA with mine and carry the child. It's the ONLY way I'll ever be able to have a child of my own. Adoption is always an option, but it is WAY different. It takes a very special person to raise an adopted child, and it's possible that I may choose to take on that responsibility myself one day... but it's DIFFERENT. Being adopted adds challenges that aren't there with biological children. Challenges that I'm not sure that I could handle emotionally. Either way though, if it could be possible for me to have a child that was biologically mine, I'd want to have that option open to me."

...and by the way, it's not easy to adopt a child. It's just recently that Homosexuality ceased to be listed as a disease, and Transsexuals still lose custody of their own biological children because of who they are. Why complain? Because that's what people do when their rights are being denied them by people who have those rights.

on cloning (an outburst) - cont'd

ok... for the record, what I wrote previously was written in response to the government officials who want to make cloning human beings illegal. I wouldn't post an open topic and tell people to shut up. That's not what I'm about at all. It was sort of like yelling at the tv screen.

This is the way I see it...

This is a perfect example of 2 things. 1. Patriarchy, and 2. No separation of church and state.

People are talking about God and what they believe to be God's law in all of this. That should not be considered in law making. Laws should exist to punish people who willingly hurt other people. Cloning won't hurt anyone. There are plenty of "birth defects" in pregnancies already. Should we make pregnancy illegal?

I think that the boys in charge are damn scared of advances in the field of genetics. Why? Because one day it might be possible to not need sperm. They'll support research for an artificial womb before supporting something that might make sperm unnecessary.

For the record, if I was in a better financial place and had a wife, I'd love for her to carry my clone or splice her DNA with mine and carry the child. It's the ONLY way I'll ever be able to have a child of my own. Adoption is always an option, but it is WAY different. It takes a very special person to raise an adopted child, and it's possible that I may choose to take on that responsibility myself one day... but it's DIFFERENT. Being adopted adds challenges that aren't there with biological children. Challenges that I'm not sure that I could handle emotionally. Either way though, if it could be possible for me to have a child that was biologically mine, I'd want to have that option open to me.

I'd also love to see people growing new arms, legs, breasts, fingers, toes, vital organs.... people shouldn't have to suffer if there's an alternative... and most people I know would gladly risk new/unapproved methods in order to feel "normal" again and have a happier life.

It just seems as if the people in charge are making decisions based on what allows them to keep power, and not on what will most benefit people as a whole.

---

(and...)

Yes... it makes me nervous... and I DO think there should be some laws... again... to protect people from harm/abuse, etc.

For example, if you clone me without permission, you should be prosecuted. If you treat a clone as anything other than human, you should be prosecuted...

The possible organ market... the classist potential... the potential of giving people another "thing" to hate... yes, that worries me too... but...

I don't think that cloning should be declared illegal.

(and personally... I think they've already done it. It takes 15 years for the government to let new technologies hit the masses. In my opinion, they've already succeeded and this is ALL about power, money, and control.)

on cloning (an outburst)

There's been some talk in the news lately... people are planning on cloning a human within about a year's time.

So many people going ape shit about this.

Funny how most of them have had children or are capable of having children with their partners.

I say let the rest of us who cannot have children of our own without the assistance of modern medicine or some sort of divine intervention decide.

Advances in genetics may well lead to the ability to splice the dna of people... without needing eggs and sperm...maybe some day it will be possible for gay couples to have children who are biologically part of both of them. I say we ask the Homosexual population about all of this.

Cloning might well lead to the ability to grow new limbs... and other body parts lost to disease and injury. I say we ask some amputees and women who have battled breast cancer for their take on it.


I think the breeders should shut the fuck up.

90

Wandering aimlessly
Up and down
The bleeding paths
of my own mind
Getting lost
In my own
self
loathing
The feeling of emptiness
Within
Pain and despair
Akin to life
after death
Echo
Follow
Lead me
To you
Want to consume you
use you
abuse
Myself
Want to heal and fill
Myself
With your essence
Bleed you
Empty you
to satisfy
My tortured self
Instead
The cool metal blades mock me
Wandering aimlessly
up and down
The bleeding arms
of my body
Getting lost
In my own
Self

Dying


© 1995 (by JBW)

(My Board) Stats

Totals Summary (since 10/27/00)
Visits: 124212
Posts: 12033 (and I've read every single last one of them.)
Average Visits (daily): 592
Average Posts per day: 59 (including 8/2)



help?

To clarify

I call you a man.
I do this NOT because I know the universal definition of "man" or "male", NOT because I've seen your picture, and NOT because you conform to my own personal definition of such. I call you a man because that is how you choose to identify yourself.

The same thing can be applied to Weres and Vamps. No matter what my own personal definition is, it's still not for me to tell other people what they should consider themselves to be... and the more I talk to people whose definitions of these terms vary from my own, the more I end up adapting my own definitions.

I'm in no way perfect with this. I'm as affected by my upbringing as anyone else... I'm just trying to grow even further than those who "taught" me. I often fall prey to the labeling game... if not out loud, then in my own head. I just see this as conditioning though... and I logically know my instincts or reactions to be... well... wrong. Every time I judge someone, I kick myself... but I still do it in the first place.

In my experience, when you attempt to go through life reliant on universal definitions, you always end up hurting someone... often you hurt yourself.

Someone once told me to try to go through life saying "I" more and "you" less. Define yourself... let others define themselves. This made a lot of sense to me.

You wrote,"You were born a man/woman and now through hormones and surgery were the opposite. "

That's seeing sex as polarized. Most of what I'm getting at is that sex/gender is nearly impossible to scientifically polarize. Not ALL men can claim to share one common trait, nor can ALL women. In fact, on a rather concrete and scientific level, it's impossible to state the definition of man or woman... male or female.

What if it's that a person was born a woman, but had parts, like a penis and testicles, that felt wrong to her so she had corrective surgery? What if the person was born and felt that her parts, even her penis and testicles, were fine, but that she was a woman, no matter what everyone else told her to believe? Whose right is it to tell her that she's not? Maybe it's just up to us to adapt our definitions of what a "woman" is.

If you came to me tomorrow and told me you were a woman, and preferred to be addressed as such, I'd consider you and call you a woman. I don't care what you look like or what you do or don't have between your legs. There's nothing about you that would have to change. You're a woman because you say so.

The way I see it, there's no one thing that makes the man, or the woman... except for the individual preference of label. I call myself "Intersexed" because I feel the label... how I understand the meaning of it, fits. I prefer male pronouns because I feel they fit me better than female ones and feel less dehumanizing than "it" or some of the newer developed ones like "heesh". It's just a preference... one based on the definitions I've learned (right or wrong) and the stereotypes that are out there. It's not because I have a beard or anything thing else on a physical level, and it's not because the law recognizes me as such. It's just my choice... and people who respect me, will respect that choice... even if they can't apply the same definitions to themselves or to others around them.

My definitions are my definitions. They change as I learn. I change as I learn.

Am I a man?

Depends on the day you ask me.

Are you?

That's up to you... and if you change your mind... so will I.

Choices

((If you had to choose) Would you choose to die before your beloved companion, or would you choose for them to die before you do?)

It's tough to choose giving up that comfort on the death bed... but I'd choose to go last. I'd rather she (or he) not have to suffer the pain of loss.


I've often said that the price you pay for getting everything you've ever wanted in life is the fear of losing it all.

It wasn't an easy decision for me by any means. Actually, one of the thoughts that ran through my head was "what if they find someone else after I'm gone and then they never join me if there's an afterlife?" How's that for selfish?

I just weighed the options, and actually, the deciding factors were the thoughts that came to mind while attempting to apply it to my life now. I have no partner, but I do have a best friend that I love very much. Very often it is her being on the planet that stops me from offing myself. I just couldn't hurt her like that. I just applied it to what I might feel with a lover. I don't think that I could bear causing them to suffer, or knowing that they might be. I'd rather be the one to bear the loss, at least that's a pain I know that I can deal with.

(Art forms which I'm into?)

With visual/still arts (drawing and the like), I'm a pen, pencil, and ink junkie. I've done some paintings, but I prefer more intricate stuff. I have a project that is on a 30x42 Xerox type of paper... most of it was done using a magnifying glass.

With art as a whole, the only thing which never caught my heart was dance. Dance just always felt sexual to me, and unless I've had WAY too much to drink, or I'm head over heels in lust, I just DON'T dance. I'll sooner have sex.

Just like everyone else?

[My original question posed (06/23/01 10:41 AM) - Suddenly the entire world is devoid of gender. All people are hermaphrodites, utterly androgynous in personality and form. The culture reflects this, as does all human interaction. You are still you. Living in this world, would you still want to stay a woman/female - if you are one now, or a man/male - if you are one now? (as opposed to becoming a Hermaphrodite just like everyone else) Why?]


I guess that I did a really piss-poor job of wording this question. I think that what I was attempting to ask/discuss was basically, If the tables were reversed and you were one of the very few on the planet who was other than an androgynous hermaphrodite, would you want to stay that way or would you (like many transexuals and intersexed people do now) opt for surgery in order to feel more "normal". Does being different make life hell? Absofuckinglutely. I was curious about whether or not you think that you could endure that hell... or maybe feel that "God" has something to do with it... or really think that not fitting in would not be an issue... etc., etc.

I mean, think about it....

There IS no male and there IS no female. No he's or she's or hers or hims. You have no mother, no father, just parents. You have no role models... you've heard rumors of others like you, but they all live either camouflaged as "normal" people or live a life of being discriminated against.

You're a freak.

You're missing parts.

What?!? You have no penis?!?!?! What?! No vagina!??! How do I have sex with you? Or maybe you get lucky and find a person with a fetish... ooooh, wow, you have no vagina, that really gets me hot. Can I look at you? Oh, no... sorry, I could never be seen in public with someone like you. Do you know what that would do to my career? What do you think my family would say?

Have fun dating.

Every doctor you go to sees you as a guinea pig and the expressions on the faces of medical professionals when they're just checking you out for a cold makes you know that they're freaked. All of a sudden, your genitals are important to examine, even though all you have is a runny nose. Even while growing up you were seen as an oddity and regularly "studied" by medical professionals.

You have to pay for that therapy though... the therapy that helps you get over the molestation.

Both cops and people in general often beat people like you to death, because after all, you're nothing but a freak of nature. Often, you are referred to as "it". Even your parents have said it about you. They don't know what you are.

Now... about that surgery? Don't worry, afterwards you'll blend well... you just might not ever be able to have sex again and the risk of infection is rather high. You'll have to pay for it yourself, but no worries there, if you get the cheap surgery it might only run you 15 grand or so. What? What do you mean no one will hire you? Paper trail? Oh, don't be silly, discrimination isn't legal! There's really no need to hide the fact that you were once gendered. Maybe you just need to try to blend in more? You know, they do sell prosthetics you can use in the meanwhile... But hey...

it's your CHOICE.

right?

Otherkin

I think that it's all about labels. Maybe I make connections where there are none, but what one person dubs "X" the other dubs "Y" and that doesn't change what the actual thing is. The only thing that varies is who is dubbing it. One person calls a person a "Were" and another person calls the same person "MPD" and yet another calls that person "delusional"... the person doesn't change according to who is dubbing them. They are who and what they are.

If you want to call yourself a "Wood Nymph", then by all means do so. It really doesn't matter what the labelers say a Wood Nymph is. By dubbing yourself a "Wood Nymph", you help to define just what a Wood Nymph actually is. Let others who do not call themselves Wood Nymphs change their definition. If talking to other Wood Nymphs helps to settle your mind about whether or not you're a Wood Nymph, that's fine... just don't let people put a label on you blindly. Know what I mean? Ultimately, you're the one who matters when it comes to your label. No one knows you better than you do.

I'm a rather unique person, and I'm sure that I could fall into the Otherkin camp as easily as I could fall into the Were, Vamp, Pagan, Witch, Priest, Transsexual, Intersexed, Bisexual, Transgendered, Man, Guy, Human, Old-head, Goth, Punk, Polywere, MPD, PTSD, OCD, Anal Retentive, etc., etc., ad nauseam camps. It sometimes feels good to have a label... it helps to make you feel less alone. Other times it just plain sucks. Labels often keep us in our little box and out of the boxes of others which are a lot more fun.

I've been called "Angel" and "Alien" and "Freak"... some are awed by me, others are scared of me. If I adopt a label like "Otherkin", it might help to make others understand that although I'm different, I'm nothing unnatural. I'd do this because of my own fear. I fear others, so I go to great lengths to stop their hands before they strike me. When I look at it this way, I tend to drop all the labels. Something motivated by fear is not something I want to do. True, it might be a whole hell of a lot easier to fit in somewhere and have an army of like-labeled people on my side, but things that are easy do nothing to strengthen me. I'm not too sure what life is all about, and I may never know, but my gut says that there is some sort of reward for suffering... even if it's just to serve as a lesson to others.

Every now and again I like to relax and slap a label on. I need a break every so often. Generally speaking though, "_" is the only label I wear. Even "I" doesn't always fit. I can say, "I am", but then "I" is often "We". There are just too many labels and it gets tiring shifting them around and defining them and adding and subtracting to the collection.

If you have the desire to add "Otherkin" and "Wood Nymph" to your own personal collection, then you should. It's something that you have to decide on for yourself though. Don't ask for membership to the club, it's not up to them to decide whether or not you belong. It's up to you to decide whether or not you want to belong. The others will leave if they find your presence discomforting.

I'm babbling, I suppose. I don't really know if what I'm thinking is coming across through these words.

You know who you are. Don't let other people confuse you about that. No one knows you better than yourself. It's YOUR universe. You are the center of it... no matter what label you wear... and when you add a label, you define what it means in your own universe.

So... are you a Wood Nymph?

You tell me.

107pm060201

I never write for myself anymore. I'm always online, posting posting posting. It used to be that no one else but me read my writing, now it's everyone else I'm writing for. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I suppose it's both. Writing for everyone else, I have to omit things. My writing is honest, but not complete. I don't tell people the whole truth. I really have no desire for their input on certain things. They have no clue what it's like to be me, and all they seem to base their advice on is what they know is right for them. Then, I doubt anyone would ever allow themselves to say, "Please kill yourself".

I do my best not to allow myself to think about my life and reality. When I start thinking about it, I get suicidal... or sometimes, on a better day, homicidal. I guess that I'm unique in this, otherwise the whole world would be on disability right along with me. I don't know if I'm simply buying time, or if I'm really not going to kill myself. Some days I'll say that I'll never do it, other days I'll say nothing at all. It gets scary when I start thinking. When I start thinking, I realize that the only thing keeping me alive is guilt, and maybe a little fear. I'm not alive because I really want to be. I'm alive because I fear the consequences of suicide. Pretty lame... and pretty scary. Life is about conquering fear... if I conquer that fear, then it's all over. Part of me is really wanting to die. I look forward to finding out what comes next. True, it may well be worse than this hell, but it may also be better, or maybe it will be nothing. I'll go off like a light. I won't much care then though. It could also be the same... and that's just as bad as being worse, in a way.

I've been here since October. Day in, day out, my life sucks shit. I went from living the life of a 90 year old shut-in to living the life of a dog.

I guess I just can't win.

clock surfing

I haven't been in the best posting mode over the last few days. My head feels full of thoughts, yet I can't seem to articulate them very well.

I just wanted to attempt to throw a concept out there that has been on my mind since the other day...

I was watching a show called "Psi Factor" and one of the little shorts they did was about a guy who was transplanted in time from the 1700's to the present, not by his own doing. It just got me thinking about time travel... and when I start thinking about time travel my head gets really messy.

Here's the thought I'm trying to get across:

What if time and life in general is just like one long "line". What if all those theories are very true and "real"... AND what if reincarnation is also "real"?

What if, when we die, we can not only reincarnate but reincarnate anywhere on the timeline we want? What if dying is just stepping into a "time machine" without any material possessions, including your own body?

My head has been reeling from this thought for a few days...

I keep wondering if I would choose to be "me" again, or if in death it really is possible to choose at all... maybe you just gravitate towards the place your energy is most attracted to.

---

2:28pm
It might have been more accurate for me to say "time continuum" and also mention the parallel universe stuff... but what I was attempting to get at was that I was thinking about the possibility that both the scientific theories dealing with quantum physics and time travel, and the theories on reincarnation might be intertwined somehow...

UGH! I really shouldn't be posting, I just can't seem to form sentences. I HATE when I get like this!

(What scares me?)

myself

Doubting Thomas

I think a lot... maybe too much, but that’s just the way I am.

Humor me.


When we’re born, immediately we are told what is what. This is a ball, this is your dinner, this is your elbow, you’re a little boy, I am your Grandma, etc. etc. This is done for a reason. The reason, although people rarely think about it, is so that we can communicate with one another. I think that, over time, the original purpose for language has been convoluted; it has become not only a means by which people can communicate, but it has also become a tool to persecute and pigeonhole people... like Burroughs once said... "Language is a virus...". It mutates... spreads... What started out as something positive (a way to make one another happy) has also become a means to harm one another, and a way to teach our children what it is safe to think. Some call it giving children morals, others call it brainwashing. It depends on your perspective... and on your definitions for the words "morals" and "brainwashing".

When I tell my Goddaughter that a cup is a cup, I’m not telling her that it’s a cup because everyone on the planet agrees that it’s a cup and that she too should believe that it’s a cup because if she doesn't she‘s wrong.. I tell her it’s a cup because that way if she’s thirsty and wants her juice she can tell me that her cup is empty. Whether or not the object I’m referring to is actually a cup is for her to determine, I’m just telling her how to speak my language so that she can get what she wants from me. This will make us both happy. If later on while playing with that cup, she starts calling it a doll’s swimming pool, I don’t tell her it’s not. As long as when she wants something from me she knows how to ask for it, that’s all that matters.

The problems seem to happen when one person refuses to speak the language of another, knowing full well that refusal will cause insult. At that point, language is no longer used for the positive purpose of communication in order to make both parties happy, and it becomes a way to spit on someone without wasting water. For example, I say I’m an alien and take pride in that fact. You meet me and refuse to address me as such. You say to me and about me that I’m not an alien, just a messed up human. What you are actually doing is insulting me and judging me. You’re taking the words of others and giving them priority over mine. I don’t care that a doctor will say I’m human... in my book, I’m an alien, and I’ve made it clear that in order to make me happy and in order to communicate with you I wish to be addressed as such. Your inflicting your language on me makes me unhappy and breaks down communication. Would it harm you to call me an alien? Really? Even if you really think that I’m an insane human according to your language, by refusing to honor me, you have just become disrespectful (or the equivalent) in many languages.

I think that a lot of the problem is that a person has a definition in their head of what something is, and when another person claims to be that thing, they immediately attach that definition, not realizing that their definition may not match the definition of the other. Instead of pronouncing someone "not" a thing, why not ask what that means to the other person instead of risking insult? In most cases, you’re not dealing with a child who has no language. It’s not for you to educate them any more than it is for them to educate you. What works is for the two parties to work together and find a happy medium, otherwise there’s not going to be any communication, just word hurling, insults, hurt feelings, and nothing gained. Language turns into weapon.

Is it that you doubt that a person is what they say they are, or is it that you really haven’t taken the time to figure out just what they’re claiming to be? Is it that you fear that you are like them? Is it that you need to step on them to make yourself taller? Is it that you can’t give them credit or that you can’t give yourself license to continue developing your own language past the point where your educators left off?

To doubt what a person says is to doubt a person. To doubt a person is to not trust them. What is it you fear?

(5 things few people know about me?)

Hmmm.... let's see....

1) I'm allergic to most kinds of toilet paper. Blue Toilet paper is the WORST, and I'd sooner use my own hand than use it.
2) There is not one part of my body that is not either scarred, tattooed, broken out in a rash, or in constant need of maintenance in order to avoid infection/allergic reaction. Basically, my skin is VERY well used.
3) I often rescue earthworms from the pavement, after it rains.
4) My very first online alias was "Jonas Wolf".
5) The High School I graduated from was attached to a mental hospital.

Rage

Here's your warning:

This is a VERY angry vent on issues having to do with Gender, Sex, and Sexuality. If you don't want to read about these things, then hit your back button. If you're tired of hearing my shit on this, hit your back button. Basically, if you don't want to read it... Don't.

I'm foaming at the mouth. It happens when I have to pick at scabs. It happens when I have to be the one to educate people who are much more content being ignorant than opening their minds and becoming a little more accepting.

I just don't get it. To me it is SO simple. People are people and they have the right to be who they are, call themselves what they want, and not be discriminated against for it. I'm SO sick of people who view Transgendered people, Transvestites, Hermaphrodites, and Intersexed people as if they are diseased. "Oh... you should TELL people! OH! That's LYING!!!!" FUCK YOU!!!! Are you lying because you neglected to mention that mole on your elbow?!?! Are you lying because your dick is a little smaller than average? Who are you to say that it is a person's responsibility to tell you their entire life history and detail what is in their pants before kissing you?!?! Are you going to contract some sort of deadly illness from them? It's NO ONE'S responsibility to tell you anything! If you're THAT fucking concerned about your ego, ASK!

A woman is a woman! I don't care whether she's short a breast, or plus a testicle! If you view her as less of a woman or as some sort of FREAK because of that, then that's your own fucking ego problem!

Then there are the wonderful caring people who LOVE to say, "Oh, the whole world is not out to get you!" and "Why do you have to bring this up all the time?" and "Why can't you let it go, you're making much more of an issue about it than anyone else is!" WHAT A FUCKING CROCK OF SHIT!!!!

You try it... try fearing being arrested or humiliated every time you have to use the bathroom and are not alone in your own home! You try just going out to a bar and being stared at and whispered about the whole night. You try fearing for your life every time you walk down the street. You try wondering whether a person actually loves you or whether they're with you just because they have a fetish for freaks! You try being petrified of cops and doctors and nurses to the point of preferring death to contact with any of them! You try being a medical experiment all your life! You try being forced to cross dress until you can get the hell out of the house you're being "raised" in. You try being told that you're mentally infirm because you know who you are! You try being mutilated at birth and NOT holding a fucking grudge! You try choosing to express yourself by wearing clothing that society deems you cannot wear because of what is in your pants, risking your life by leaving the house in it, and then having to listen to people who tell you that you must be a "sissy" or a "fag"! Do you REALLY think that you have more balls than a man who chooses to wear "women's" clothing because he likes the way it makes him feel? I DARE you to try it for even a week!

Yeah... it's a CHOICE, right?!?!? What the fuck is your problem?!! Is insulin a CHOICE? Is Chemo? Is breathing?! Do you REALLY think that a person would endure (not to mention sacrificing everything in order to pay for) the tortures of electrolysis, removing body parts, risking their jobs, their spouses, their children, and risking humiliation and a life of fear for the rest of their life BY CHOICE!!?!?!? What do you think the choice is? Where's the CHOICE?!?!

Do you REALLY think that people "do this just to get attention"?!?!? Do you REALLY think that this sort of life is EASY?!?!? DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT THE MENTAL ANGUISH EVER STOPS FOR A FUCKING INSTANT?!?!?!??!

Think what you want, just stay the hell away from me, because I'm a HELL of a lot stronger than you will EVER be and my words are NOT my only asset.

(Blood Is Blood....) wrap up

It can be heavily debated for quite some time, I think... but my definitions are (as posted previously):

Psi-Vamp - One who requires an above average amount of Psi-energy in order to stay healthy and functioning.

Blood-Vamp - One who requires ingesting blood in order to stay healthy and functioning.

I might add this though... Vampire - One who, in order to stay healthy and functioning, drinks the blood/consumes the energy of other people in above average amounts.

I also believe that the Vampire has both Mental and Spiritual aspects that are different from the majority of people, but I think that's another topic.

(Who Are You?)

I'm sure that I could write a few pages in response to this question. Lots of stories to tell... about how I got to know the net, about the experiences I've had with people online... but I'll try to be brief. I don't want to bore the pee out of anyone.


I ask who you are, in the sense of who you are online....do you lie, if so, why would/do you?

I don't lie. There are sins of omission, but even with those things, if I'm asked, I tell the truth... unless someone asks me my address in order to come to my house and get into a physical altercation. I'm a lucky person... I've made some wonderful, loyal friends in my life. If someone showed up at my door for that reason, they'd last all of 5 seconds... then I'd either be in court while my friends were on trial for murder, or I'd be locked up the rest of my life.... neither of which is something I want to go through or put my friends through. The way I see it, the only lie worth telling is one that is in self-defense or in the defense of a loved one. Lies are "evil" to me. Given, truth is transient, but there's a big difference between a transient truth and an outright lie.

Do you create a persona that you would like others to see you as, or is it the "other side" of you that most aren't allowed to see, or that you can't be IRL?

I am the same online as off. Who I am varies... that's an MPD thing... but my system reflects online the same way it will reflect off. There's nothing that I am online that I am not offline... unless it is for safety reasons. For example, although I really don't care who online knows that I'm Intersexed, I do care offline. I don't go into dangerous or potentially violent situations offline. I don't like jail, I don't like institutions, and I don't like violence. Online people can hurl all the words they want, offline it's often not just words that are hurled. Closed minded people are just idiotic online, offline they can be the cause of needing plastic surgery, hospitalization, or a body bag. Doesn't matter if I "win" the fight or they do.... one of us is going to end up in a bad way. That's not something I want in my life.

Do you know who you are by now, yet are still asking questions and seeking answers?

I'm always trying to learn. We all change as we grow, and so there's always something new to learn about oneself. I know who I am at the core... (or in MPD language: We know who we are as a system and as individual cores) but there's always something to learn. Life rarely stagnates... it's part of the beauty in it. I ask so many questions that I had to go and create this site. *chuckles* I know who I am, and who that is is always growing and changing.

What would you do if you found out someone has lied to you, someone that you had trusted so much that it almost seemed impossible that a lie could be uttered from their mouth? Someone that told you lies about others,and sadly you were influenced by what they had said because they were so convincing?

Remove that person from my life. Take the time to mourn, then pick myself up, dust myself off, and attempt to learn from the painful experience. Repeat to myself over and over "No pain, no gain" and "It could have been worse" as I make my way to the next lesson.


Could you live with yourself for trying to be open minded, and yet so totally stupid for falling into the "trap"?

Trusting people is not stupid, it's loving. I, personally, hate loving people. Love hurts... and it takes A LOT of strength to love. I often don't feel strong enough to love. I'm just too full of fear.

Could it be possible that this person was simply feeding you lies and "eating" up your emotions, if so, what would you do?

Again... walk away. Love yourself for a while. You deserve a break from the heavy task of loving others... and you deserve your own love at least as much as those others do.