I still haven't cut my damn hair. It's annoying the piss out of me, but I can't seem to manage to do it. Nothing new, but still... it makes me sad. It was never much of an effort, in the past.
I guess we give up what we must, in order to do what we must.
I'll cut it eventually... on a better day.
Thursday, September 29, 2005
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
Just the basic facts
Had to get this out of my system...
How I want to treat my MS.
1. Treat the symptoms - pain, anxiety/racing thoughts/rage, Insomnia - as needed meds, or nothing. Inderal for blood pressure is ok, and my Testosterone shots are ok, but that's that's more than enough meds for me to keep up with. Ideally, I do not want to take a medication if I'm not experiencing problematic symptoms that day. Example - I do not want to take meds to prevent pain. I want access to meds that will stop pain if I'm suffering in excess.
2. No Copaxone, etc. I've dealt this long, I'll continue dealing. If I have a "flare up" or symptom that I cannot handle, I will go to the ER and be admitted for a Solu-Medrol treatment. I'm on disability. This helps me to function adequately, by giving me more time for rest and the ability to avoid many stressors. The daily stress of injections and being even further chemically dependent is not a stress which I feel capable of handling.
3. I want to keep track of things using MRI. T-Spine, C-Spine, and Brain, at least once a year.
4. I am a DNR patient. I'm NOT interested in prolonging my life, only in living the rest of it out as painlessly as possible, and with as much dignity as possible. I have struggled with this disease since I was a teenager. There's no un-doing the damage. There's no curing the disease. I do not have "quality time" between "flare ups" to lengthen. I haven't had that since 1999, and I've learned to deal, using meds and therapy. Unless something comes along to restore my brain, I'm not interested in MS therapies.
5. I want the assistance of a doctor who will LISTEN TO ME. I know myself better than anyone else knows me. I'm not a complete idiot (yet). I do not want to be judged, or insulted, or "blown off". I do the hiring. I can do the firing. I'll sooner go without a doctor than pay one to treat me with disdain.
How I want to treat my MS.
1. Treat the symptoms - pain, anxiety/racing thoughts/rage, Insomnia - as needed meds, or nothing. Inderal for blood pressure is ok, and my Testosterone shots are ok, but that's that's more than enough meds for me to keep up with. Ideally, I do not want to take a medication if I'm not experiencing problematic symptoms that day. Example - I do not want to take meds to prevent pain. I want access to meds that will stop pain if I'm suffering in excess.
2. No Copaxone, etc. I've dealt this long, I'll continue dealing. If I have a "flare up" or symptom that I cannot handle, I will go to the ER and be admitted for a Solu-Medrol treatment. I'm on disability. This helps me to function adequately, by giving me more time for rest and the ability to avoid many stressors. The daily stress of injections and being even further chemically dependent is not a stress which I feel capable of handling.
3. I want to keep track of things using MRI. T-Spine, C-Spine, and Brain, at least once a year.
4. I am a DNR patient. I'm NOT interested in prolonging my life, only in living the rest of it out as painlessly as possible, and with as much dignity as possible. I have struggled with this disease since I was a teenager. There's no un-doing the damage. There's no curing the disease. I do not have "quality time" between "flare ups" to lengthen. I haven't had that since 1999, and I've learned to deal, using meds and therapy. Unless something comes along to restore my brain, I'm not interested in MS therapies.
5. I want the assistance of a doctor who will LISTEN TO ME. I know myself better than anyone else knows me. I'm not a complete idiot (yet). I do not want to be judged, or insulted, or "blown off". I do the hiring. I can do the firing. I'll sooner go without a doctor than pay one to treat me with disdain.
too spooky
Being that I don't have enough of my media in MP3 format, I figured I'd Beerwolf this little project, and use tarot cards instead.
*Go to your media player/mp3 player and put it all on shuffle. Say the following questions aloud, and after each one press play. Use the song title as the answer to the question.
1.What do you think of me, iTunes? ("tarot cards", for me)
"The Magician" I
2.Will I have a happy life?
6 of Cups
3.What do my friends really think of me?
"The Star" XVII
4.Do people secretly lust after me?
"Princess" of Pentacles
5.How can I make myself happy?
6 of Swords
6.What should I do with my life?
"Queen" of Cups
7.Why must life be so full of pain?
"Death" XIII (I swear to fuck, I'm not making this up.)
8.How can I maximize my pleasure during sex?
"Prince" of Pentacles
9.Will I ever have children?
"The Devil" XV (ok, now I'm getting a little creeped out.)
10.Will I die happy?
"Princess" of Pentacles
11.Can you give me some advice?
7 of Cups
12.What do you think happiness is?
Ace of Pentacles
I'd analyze this, but I'm not too sure I really want to.
*Go to your media player/mp3 player and put it all on shuffle. Say the following questions aloud, and after each one press play. Use the song title as the answer to the question.
1.What do you think of me, iTunes? ("tarot cards", for me)
"The Magician" I
2.Will I have a happy life?
6 of Cups
3.What do my friends really think of me?
"The Star" XVII
4.Do people secretly lust after me?
"Princess" of Pentacles
5.How can I make myself happy?
6 of Swords
6.What should I do with my life?
"Queen" of Cups
7.Why must life be so full of pain?
"Death" XIII (I swear to fuck, I'm not making this up.)
8.How can I maximize my pleasure during sex?
"Prince" of Pentacles
9.Will I ever have children?
"The Devil" XV (ok, now I'm getting a little creeped out.)
10.Will I die happy?
"Princess" of Pentacles
11.Can you give me some advice?
7 of Cups
12.What do you think happiness is?
Ace of Pentacles
I'd analyze this, but I'm not too sure I really want to.
~Who are you?
I've been here, online, for hours now... doing what I do.... surfing, reading, following my racing mind wherever it takes me. I've always liked "adventure".
Thought about an old girlfriend of mine, last night. It occurred to me, that I have no clue what she ate for lunch, back then... in High School. It just hit me as sort of funny, that as close as we were, we didn't know one another very well. It was an odd affair, that one... went on for years, behind a lot of closed doors. I'm pretty sure though, that it was the only time I've ever really been "in love" with someone... pretty sure that it was the only time I was capable of it... and I'm pretty sure, it ruined me. That's what being in love does... scars you, if things don't pan out.
I often obsess. It's generally harmless. I think about people I was once close with, or want to be close to, or places I once lived or played... ride the emotional wave... enjoy the pain of loss... the feeling of being alive... of having actually LIVED. I've done a lot in my life... many things which few others have done... and I have the scars to prove it.
What did I do today...? I LIVED. I didn't go through the motions. I FELT things, and thought about things, and faced things, and didn't hide from any of it. Life isn't about shutting down and going to work and ignorantly watching the latest Reality TV show... not for me. For me? Life is about BEING. It's about not having to hide from myself. It's about doing whatever it takes to get to the next GENUINE smile. It's about not selling my soul. It's about giving up the million dollar home for a beer, a smoke, and a good fuck. It's about giving up the dna carriers for a few tattoos, an intimate understanding of the gutter, and a few thousand pages of memoirs. It's about giving up the trophy-partner, so that I could actually cum with each one of the 57 different people I had sex with, without having to fake it even once, and without having to lie about it later.
I really don't give a damn that I didn't shave my head today, like I'd wanted to last night. I have the freedom to just do it later... or not.
I like my scars. They add character.
Thought about an old girlfriend of mine, last night. It occurred to me, that I have no clue what she ate for lunch, back then... in High School. It just hit me as sort of funny, that as close as we were, we didn't know one another very well. It was an odd affair, that one... went on for years, behind a lot of closed doors. I'm pretty sure though, that it was the only time I've ever really been "in love" with someone... pretty sure that it was the only time I was capable of it... and I'm pretty sure, it ruined me. That's what being in love does... scars you, if things don't pan out.
I often obsess. It's generally harmless. I think about people I was once close with, or want to be close to, or places I once lived or played... ride the emotional wave... enjoy the pain of loss... the feeling of being alive... of having actually LIVED. I've done a lot in my life... many things which few others have done... and I have the scars to prove it.
What did I do today...? I LIVED. I didn't go through the motions. I FELT things, and thought about things, and faced things, and didn't hide from any of it. Life isn't about shutting down and going to work and ignorantly watching the latest Reality TV show... not for me. For me? Life is about BEING. It's about not having to hide from myself. It's about doing whatever it takes to get to the next GENUINE smile. It's about not selling my soul. It's about giving up the million dollar home for a beer, a smoke, and a good fuck. It's about giving up the dna carriers for a few tattoos, an intimate understanding of the gutter, and a few thousand pages of memoirs. It's about giving up the trophy-partner, so that I could actually cum with each one of the 57 different people I had sex with, without having to fake it even once, and without having to lie about it later.
I really don't give a damn that I didn't shave my head today, like I'd wanted to last night. I have the freedom to just do it later... or not.
I like my scars. They add character.
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
~Don't ask. Don't tell.
It'd be easy to fall back into the delusion... easy to just stop thinking... just fall... pretend like it isn't happening.
I could just lie... MS? What's that?
It's reality though... and it's kicking my ass. No sense in letting it kick everyone else's ass too though. I'll stick to my computer games and television. I don't have to lie. I just have to shut the fuck up.
I could just lie... MS? What's that?
It's reality though... and it's kicking my ass. No sense in letting it kick everyone else's ass too though. I'll stick to my computer games and television. I don't have to lie. I just have to shut the fuck up.
Monday, September 26, 2005
~unsheathed
My brain is racing... and racing and racing and racing...
obsessing?
I had to skip on the Inderal last night... maybe that's the problem.
I'm all over the place though.
Have I ever mentioned that I REALLY love raw Quahogs?
I didn't think so.
I took a walk today. I washed my sheets too. I also took a shower, and made coffee, and took a zillion online tests, and...
I shouldn't be doing this. Attempting to blog, when I'm like this, is dangerous. Actually, being online at all, when I'm like this, is dangerous.
Brain cells, firing away... out into the universe... unrestrained...
better watch out.
obsessing?
I had to skip on the Inderal last night... maybe that's the problem.
I'm all over the place though.
Have I ever mentioned that I REALLY love raw Quahogs?
I didn't think so.
I took a walk today. I washed my sheets too. I also took a shower, and made coffee, and took a zillion online tests, and...
I shouldn't be doing this. Attempting to blog, when I'm like this, is dangerous. Actually, being online at all, when I'm like this, is dangerous.
Brain cells, firing away... out into the universe... unrestrained...
better watch out.
Sunday, September 25, 2005
~Bonus Level
It's cold.
I suppose that it's just that time of year, again. Time to get out the coats and blankets. This year will be better, for me, than the last few. This year, I can actually use my heat. The rent here may be twice what my rent in PA was, but here, the electric is included. This is a very VERY awesome thing.
I'm only half awake. I've been sort of muddy for the last couple of days. I'm assuming that it has to do with the change in the weather. I go back and forth between feeling overwhelmed and feeling borderline brain dead.
I have to get back to the place where I can just be ok with doing one thing every day. Even if it's just getting a shower, or doing my dishes, it's something. It's tough to hang onto that, though. Most days, "I got a shower, did my dishes, and took the trash out" just doesn't cut it. See, things like that don't really get you anywhere. All they do are sustain... and what keeps a person like me from opting out of life is the feeling that, perhaps, they're getting, or going, somewhere. Progress. There's a big difference between progressing and just being. Then... perhaps all "being" is, is progressing towards death.
Maybe that's why video games are so popular with my generation. They make us feel like we're getting somewhere... accomplishing something. There's a "holy grail"... a "high score"... there are levels... a "quest". ...and all from the comfort of the living room, or bedroom. Shoot, we can even "get the girl", in the end. Makes you wonder though, what is it doing to the "evolution" of the brain? ...the brain of a warrior, in the body of a slug. No real anything to do battle with. No real use for a body. Perhaps, that's why our bodies are breaking down. Maybe that's why we're attacking our own selves. Cancer, MS... it's all the same. Our bodies just don't make sense anymore. All we are, are brains... perhaps, all we are, are Spirits. This whole "body" thing?... maybe we're just outgrowing it.
I suppose that it's just that time of year, again. Time to get out the coats and blankets. This year will be better, for me, than the last few. This year, I can actually use my heat. The rent here may be twice what my rent in PA was, but here, the electric is included. This is a very VERY awesome thing.
I'm only half awake. I've been sort of muddy for the last couple of days. I'm assuming that it has to do with the change in the weather. I go back and forth between feeling overwhelmed and feeling borderline brain dead.
I have to get back to the place where I can just be ok with doing one thing every day. Even if it's just getting a shower, or doing my dishes, it's something. It's tough to hang onto that, though. Most days, "I got a shower, did my dishes, and took the trash out" just doesn't cut it. See, things like that don't really get you anywhere. All they do are sustain... and what keeps a person like me from opting out of life is the feeling that, perhaps, they're getting, or going, somewhere. Progress. There's a big difference between progressing and just being. Then... perhaps all "being" is, is progressing towards death.
Maybe that's why video games are so popular with my generation. They make us feel like we're getting somewhere... accomplishing something. There's a "holy grail"... a "high score"... there are levels... a "quest". ...and all from the comfort of the living room, or bedroom. Shoot, we can even "get the girl", in the end. Makes you wonder though, what is it doing to the "evolution" of the brain? ...the brain of a warrior, in the body of a slug. No real anything to do battle with. No real use for a body. Perhaps, that's why our bodies are breaking down. Maybe that's why we're attacking our own selves. Cancer, MS... it's all the same. Our bodies just don't make sense anymore. All we are, are brains... perhaps, all we are, are Spirits. This whole "body" thing?... maybe we're just outgrowing it.
Friday, September 23, 2005
~Doggie Style
Read this, a few minutes ago:
"Three congressmen have introduced a bill requiring state and local disaster preparedness plans to include provisions for evacuating household pets and other animals. They claim that people refused to evacuate in order to stay with their dogs, cats and other critters. "I cannot help but wonder how many more people could have been saved had they been able to take their pets," said Rep. Tom Lantos, D-California."
The idiocy in this country scares me.
Yeah, save the puppies and the puppy-people. That's REAL important to focus on right now. Out of everything that went wrong, this is what people are putting their brain power into?
I agree, people should be able to bring their pets... but then what? People with allergies won't be able to get on the bus or stay at the shelters? How about we pass a law banning peanut butter in the shelters too? I know... here's a brain nugget... how about we pass a law banning all men from the shelters... you know, there were a lot of women who didn't want to risk being raped.
How about just focusing on actually getting the people out of harms way who DO want the help? Maybe, pass a law requiring all nursing homes have enough buses to move residents in the event of an emergency?
"Three congressmen have introduced a bill requiring state and local disaster preparedness plans to include provisions for evacuating household pets and other animals. They claim that people refused to evacuate in order to stay with their dogs, cats and other critters. "I cannot help but wonder how many more people could have been saved had they been able to take their pets," said Rep. Tom Lantos, D-California."
The idiocy in this country scares me.
Yeah, save the puppies and the puppy-people. That's REAL important to focus on right now. Out of everything that went wrong, this is what people are putting their brain power into?
I agree, people should be able to bring their pets... but then what? People with allergies won't be able to get on the bus or stay at the shelters? How about we pass a law banning peanut butter in the shelters too? I know... here's a brain nugget... how about we pass a law banning all men from the shelters... you know, there were a lot of women who didn't want to risk being raped.
How about just focusing on actually getting the people out of harms way who DO want the help? Maybe, pass a law requiring all nursing homes have enough buses to move residents in the event of an emergency?
Thursday, September 22, 2005
~meter maid
...and I watch... again... another Hurricane... more people losing because of lack of money... because of lack of interest... and leadership...
Thousands of people stuck in their cars for hours and hours... in oppressive heat... because someone didn't organize things... couldn't manage to open the other side of the highway...
They haven't even finished picking up the corpses... and there's more water on the way... more wind... more heat...
Everyone's pointing fingers... everyone is hiding... from one another... from the weather... from their television sets...
Is this the end of the world? I don't know... but I bet that there's about a thousand people that would say yes... if they were alive to say so. It was the end of their world.
...and so, I go back to my television and watch. It won't stop anything, but at least, someone might get a witness.
Thousands of people stuck in their cars for hours and hours... in oppressive heat... because someone didn't organize things... couldn't manage to open the other side of the highway...
They haven't even finished picking up the corpses... and there's more water on the way... more wind... more heat...
Everyone's pointing fingers... everyone is hiding... from one another... from the weather... from their television sets...
Is this the end of the world? I don't know... but I bet that there's about a thousand people that would say yes... if they were alive to say so. It was the end of their world.
...and so, I go back to my television and watch. It won't stop anything, but at least, someone might get a witness.
~stacks
I'm about half way done... given, the search for staples took about a half hour. I still have boxes stacked high in my living room, waiting to be unpacked, so finding the staples wasn't easy.
The 2005 pile alone stands about 6 inches tall, and that's after having removed the excess envelopes from the mess. Bills Bills Bills. Too many housing applications. Too many receipts.
I did find some interesting things... things that perhaps I shouldn't have... but do. Stupid cunt. Maybe one day I'll mail them back. Yeah... right after I get my apology.
As you can see, there was more than one reason I put this task off for so long. ...sucks me right into the hurricane of my life...
Well... at least I found my staples.
The 2005 pile alone stands about 6 inches tall, and that's after having removed the excess envelopes from the mess. Bills Bills Bills. Too many housing applications. Too many receipts.
I did find some interesting things... things that perhaps I shouldn't have... but do. Stupid cunt. Maybe one day I'll mail them back. Yeah... right after I get my apology.
As you can see, there was more than one reason I put this task off for so long. ...sucks me right into the hurricane of my life...
Well... at least I found my staples.
734am092205 ~comments
(In "fixing the issues")
It is very frustrating which is why I have chosen to move on to a new blog. ~blog may get fixed for a while, but in a couple of months it will be the same thing all over again. I love my blog, but I need it to help me get my frustrations out not to create more.
I guess I'm just stubborn. :\ I'm thinking that I'll hang in there, until I happen across another place that seems more reliable. It just makes me sad. I put A LOT of time and energy into this blog. :(
www LiveJournal com :)
I have an account there. I don't use it much. I don't like LiveJournal very much at all. It's just too big. That's why I went with ~Blog. It was small, and friendly. Sucks that times changed. :\
It is very frustrating which is why I have chosen to move on to a new blog. ~blog may get fixed for a while, but in a couple of months it will be the same thing all over again. I love my blog, but I need it to help me get my frustrations out not to create more.
I guess I'm just stubborn. :\ I'm thinking that I'll hang in there, until I happen across another place that seems more reliable. It just makes me sad. I put A LOT of time and energy into this blog. :(
www LiveJournal com :)
I have an account there. I don't use it much. I don't like LiveJournal very much at all. It's just too big. That's why I went with ~Blog. It was small, and friendly. Sucks that times changed. :\
Rita (1)
Been staring at the pics of the storm... I could swear that it looks like it's heading right for LA again, as opposed to TX. It just seems to be sitting in the gulf, just south of it. Then, it's so fucking big, that really messing up both is completely likely. This one is bigger than Katrina, and that beat the shit out of 3 States (after smacking FL).
They say that this is, right now, the 3rd biggest hurricane ever on record.
They say that this is, right now, the 3rd biggest hurricane ever on record.
~round and round
Today, I get to go through 7 years of paperwork.
Stacks and stacks and stacks of "documents".
I figure, while my head is a little clear, I should get started.
There's another, bigger, hurricane doing the twist in the gulf.
So...
here we go...
again.
Stacks and stacks and stacks of "documents".
I figure, while my head is a little clear, I should get started.
There's another, bigger, hurricane doing the twist in the gulf.
So...
here we go...
again.
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
~On the road again
I went for a walk, a couple of hours ago. It was the first real walk I've been able to take since... I don't know when. Probably about a year ago.
I walked about 15 minutes down the road, and behold! there was the shopping center! This is way cool. As long as my legs hold up, and Nessie keeps doing her job, I can actually walk to the grocery store! Even better...!... The liquor store!!!!! WOOHOO!!! There's even a Dollar store there, and ok... this is risky, but still VERY GOOD... A SUSHI RESTAURANT. This is Cutter-Disneyland!!! Yes, I'm poor, but it sure is good to know that when I can save up a few dollars, there's somewhere to go blow it, nearby.
On crappy days, in about 5 or 10 minutes, I can make it to the "packie", as they call them here. That's where you can get alcohol, smokes, and (drumroll please...) LOTTERY TICKETS!
You know?... right now?... I think that I'm going to be ok.
(thankfully, I saved this entry. I hit "submit", the first time, and ~Blog ate it. grrrrrrrrrr. This sucks, I was all happy and shit... now I'm annoyed. I really have to consider giving up on this site.)
I walked about 15 minutes down the road, and behold! there was the shopping center! This is way cool. As long as my legs hold up, and Nessie keeps doing her job, I can actually walk to the grocery store! Even better...!... The liquor store!!!!! WOOHOO!!! There's even a Dollar store there, and ok... this is risky, but still VERY GOOD... A SUSHI RESTAURANT. This is Cutter-Disneyland!!! Yes, I'm poor, but it sure is good to know that when I can save up a few dollars, there's somewhere to go blow it, nearby.
On crappy days, in about 5 or 10 minutes, I can make it to the "packie", as they call them here. That's where you can get alcohol, smokes, and (drumroll please...) LOTTERY TICKETS!
You know?... right now?... I think that I'm going to be ok.
(thankfully, I saved this entry. I hit "submit", the first time, and ~Blog ate it. grrrrrrrrrr. This sucks, I was all happy and shit... now I'm annoyed. I really have to consider giving up on this site.)
~fixing the issues
I haven't been enjoying this blog as much as I used to. I think that it's because of all the problems with ~Blog... the slow loading times, the no loading times, the fact that there are way too many drug, porn, and advertisement blogs. It frustrates me.
I don't know that there's a lot that I have to say that I haven't said before, but that's not really the point. Even if I've said something a million times, the ability to say it (or "blog" it) is one of the things in my life that I value.
The ~Blog problems frustrate me... as a writer, and as a reader. I'm trying to hold on to the "they're working on fixing it" hope, but it seems like they've been working on fixing it for a really long time... and there's no place where there's any contact... no place, that I know of, where the people who run ~Blog communicate with the members.
I guess that I'm just having one of those whiny mornings. I probably should've stayed in bed.
I don't know that there's a lot that I have to say that I haven't said before, but that's not really the point. Even if I've said something a million times, the ability to say it (or "blog" it) is one of the things in my life that I value.
The ~Blog problems frustrate me... as a writer, and as a reader. I'm trying to hold on to the "they're working on fixing it" hope, but it seems like they've been working on fixing it for a really long time... and there's no place where there's any contact... no place, that I know of, where the people who run ~Blog communicate with the members.
I guess that I'm just having one of those whiny mornings. I probably should've stayed in bed.
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
September 20, 2005
Here I go again... I WANT TO GO HOME!
I can't seem to get past this. I want to be back in Philly, where I belong! I don't know how to get there... aside from hitting the damn lottery.
I don't know how to function here. I didn't know how to function in Fairless Hills either. So, what happens, I keep trying to survive here? getting sicker and sicker? until I snap and off myself?
Right... I should come up with a plan. I don't know how. It takes so much energy, just getting through day to day... how am I supposed to "plan" for anything? How am I supposed to save money, when I barely have enough to keep me going?
Home is where the heart is.... I don't think that I have a heart anymore. I don't think that I love anyone or anything. I don't even know if I love myself... I think that I'm just stuck with myself.
Have I just idealized Philly? Is it really Philly that I miss? I thought that I was "going home" when I was heading for Montana... when I was heading for KR, or Sara, or whatever I called her. Delusion.
I remember, one day, I walked to Rittenhouse Square and sat and fed the squirrels pieces of apple I'd saved for them. I lived on Locust Street, at the time. I miss Locust Street... I miss Rittenhouse Square... I miss... whatever the fuck that was that I felt then. Home. I think that I call it "home".
I want to go home.
I can't seem to get past this. I want to be back in Philly, where I belong! I don't know how to get there... aside from hitting the damn lottery.
I don't know how to function here. I didn't know how to function in Fairless Hills either. So, what happens, I keep trying to survive here? getting sicker and sicker? until I snap and off myself?
Right... I should come up with a plan. I don't know how. It takes so much energy, just getting through day to day... how am I supposed to "plan" for anything? How am I supposed to save money, when I barely have enough to keep me going?
Home is where the heart is.... I don't think that I have a heart anymore. I don't think that I love anyone or anything. I don't even know if I love myself... I think that I'm just stuck with myself.
Have I just idealized Philly? Is it really Philly that I miss? I thought that I was "going home" when I was heading for Montana... when I was heading for KR, or Sara, or whatever I called her. Delusion.
I remember, one day, I walked to Rittenhouse Square and sat and fed the squirrels pieces of apple I'd saved for them. I lived on Locust Street, at the time. I miss Locust Street... I miss Rittenhouse Square... I miss... whatever the fuck that was that I felt then. Home. I think that I call it "home".
I want to go home.
Monday, September 19, 2005
~36
Happy Birthday to meeeeeeee
I live in a tree
I look like a monkey
If I really have to pee
Life ain't killed me yet.
I live in a tree
I look like a monkey
If I really have to pee
Life ain't killed me yet.
September 19, 2005
Happy Birthday to me.
1969 = 7
2005 = 7
Both are the year of the Rooster.
I suppose that it's a benchmark of some sort.
If I have to go another 36 years, I sure hope that they're better than the first.
1969 = 7
2005 = 7
Both are the year of the Rooster.
I suppose that it's a benchmark of some sort.
If I have to go another 36 years, I sure hope that they're better than the first.
Sunday, September 18, 2005
~technocrap
Just spent another 4 hours fighting with my computer.
Stupid shit.
I hope that tomorrow is a better day.
Stupid shit.
I hope that tomorrow is a better day.
~Touchback
Just spent an hour doing, what I'm sure amounts to, CPR on my modem. I have no idea what the hell was wrong with it, or how the hell I fixed it, but I seem to be online, so I guess I did something right.
There's a football game on. Patriots. I don't know if I'll ever get used to this whole living in MA thing. I know that it seems completely trivial, but watching Eagles' games was something I enjoyed. It was "turn the brain off" time for me... or at least, shift the brain to low gear.
I suppose it's all about the whole "home" thing. Settling into having Massachusetts as the place I call "home" is doing some funky shit with my head. I'm just like that... a bit of a "loyalist". Fuck, if I wasn't, I sure as shit would've left ~Blog by now.
I suppose that when things go badly, I'm just more inclined to wait it out or attempt to fix it, as opposed to leaving. There are many situations in which this characteristic is a bad thing though. There are many situations in which this amounts to my being just plain stupid, rather than admirably tenacious.
See, I can't ally myself with Massachusetts... not without squashing my Philly pride, and I can't keep my Philly pride without hoping to return. That Philly pride and the hope of getting back home... it's a part of who I am. Even if it's playing the lottery and hoping to win enough money to return to Philly, either the hope is there, or it's not. Without that hope? I don't know. Without hope, I don't have much keeping me going at all.
Yes, all this over a fucking football game.
Get over it.
There's a football game on. Patriots. I don't know if I'll ever get used to this whole living in MA thing. I know that it seems completely trivial, but watching Eagles' games was something I enjoyed. It was "turn the brain off" time for me... or at least, shift the brain to low gear.
I suppose it's all about the whole "home" thing. Settling into having Massachusetts as the place I call "home" is doing some funky shit with my head. I'm just like that... a bit of a "loyalist". Fuck, if I wasn't, I sure as shit would've left ~Blog by now.
I suppose that when things go badly, I'm just more inclined to wait it out or attempt to fix it, as opposed to leaving. There are many situations in which this characteristic is a bad thing though. There are many situations in which this amounts to my being just plain stupid, rather than admirably tenacious.
See, I can't ally myself with Massachusetts... not without squashing my Philly pride, and I can't keep my Philly pride without hoping to return. That Philly pride and the hope of getting back home... it's a part of who I am. Even if it's playing the lottery and hoping to win enough money to return to Philly, either the hope is there, or it's not. Without that hope? I don't know. Without hope, I don't have much keeping me going at all.
Yes, all this over a fucking football game.
Get over it.
The Khyber?
I used to hang at the Kyber, every now and again. I'm pretty sure I played a couple of gigs there with one band or another too. I liked it ok.
Saturday, September 17, 2005
~get off or get out
I don't think that I wrote a whole hell of a lot this time last year either. Must be the whole September thing.
The news is still distressing me. People are still there waiting on tents, for crying out loud. ...but the businesses are reopening.... and don't you worry, we'll "revive" the area... thank you very much President Numnuts.
I miss Bill Clinton. I miss the 90's. I miss that feeling of "everything's going to be ok". That whole thing pissed me the fuck off. Personally, I don't care if he lies about it, I prefer my President well sucked off. He's the last person on the planet I want sexually frustrated. Shit, I'll suck the President's dick if it'll mean I don't have to worry about the rest of the world wanting to nuke us.
Bill Clinton was on CNN, last night, talking with Larry King. It made me feel sad.
If Hillary runs, in the next Presidential election, I'll vote for her. I'll risk getting called for Jury Duty over it, just like I did attempting to keep this fucking idiot out of office.
I cling to my faith in GOOD. I cling to my belief that, eventually, this too shall pass. That's all the religion I've got.
The news is still distressing me. People are still there waiting on tents, for crying out loud. ...but the businesses are reopening.... and don't you worry, we'll "revive" the area... thank you very much President Numnuts.
I miss Bill Clinton. I miss the 90's. I miss that feeling of "everything's going to be ok". That whole thing pissed me the fuck off. Personally, I don't care if he lies about it, I prefer my President well sucked off. He's the last person on the planet I want sexually frustrated. Shit, I'll suck the President's dick if it'll mean I don't have to worry about the rest of the world wanting to nuke us.
Bill Clinton was on CNN, last night, talking with Larry King. It made me feel sad.
If Hillary runs, in the next Presidential election, I'll vote for her. I'll risk getting called for Jury Duty over it, just like I did attempting to keep this fucking idiot out of office.
I cling to my faith in GOOD. I cling to my belief that, eventually, this too shall pass. That's all the religion I've got.
Friday, September 16, 2005
What used to be
Often, I miss this place. It was a good board, a few times.
When I'm doing ok, I can handle things... but then my brain snaps, and I blow the place up.
Yes, the board is still here, but I'm not trying with it too hard. I'm not pouring my heart and soul out onto it, or into it. I think that my heart and soul are just a little too fragile, at this point.
If anyone wants something specific from me, concerning the board, they can ask. I'll do what I can.
I'm sorry that my "raw nerves" disintegrated this place.
When I'm doing ok, I can handle things... but then my brain snaps, and I blow the place up.
Yes, the board is still here, but I'm not trying with it too hard. I'm not pouring my heart and soul out onto it, or into it. I think that my heart and soul are just a little too fragile, at this point.
If anyone wants something specific from me, concerning the board, they can ask. I'll do what I can.
I'm sorry that my "raw nerves" disintegrated this place.
September 16, 2005
Sometimes, I see a woman's picture, you know, like... online, on their blog, or something... and I'm wowed. I just keep staring, thinking about how incredibly beautiful she is. I feel this pull... this WANT... I keep staring at her face and... longing.
I go on with this for a while. I try to read about her, see what she's about... determine whether or not she's single, if she has kids, how old she actually is....
Then, I think about sex with her, and it all falls to shit.
I think I'm Gay.
I go on with this for a while. I try to read about her, see what she's about... determine whether or not she's single, if she has kids, how old she actually is....
Then, I think about sex with her, and it all falls to shit.
I think I'm Gay.
Thursday, September 15, 2005
~focus
I wish I felt better. I really did enjoy seeing my brother. It sucks that we live so far apart. True, it's closer than I was when I was in MT, but it's not as close as being in PA, where I was before the last stretch of insanity.
I feel like I need to get some sleep and clear my head. Lately, I always feel like that no matter what I do though. Nothing brings me clarity. Nothing gets rid of the stupid pains I get. Nothing stops me from bitching about it, either. I guess that's a good thing. If I weren't complaining about something, whatever would I write about?
I hope to get a picture of me and my brother to post here, soon. My best friend took a few shots of us. That was very cool. The last I picture of the two of us together was taken more than a decade ago. I don't know that we look a lot alike. We're both short (I'm only about half an inch taller than he is), but I really can't tell if we look alike otherwise. To me, he just looks like my brother.
I miss him.
I feel like I need to get some sleep and clear my head. Lately, I always feel like that no matter what I do though. Nothing brings me clarity. Nothing gets rid of the stupid pains I get. Nothing stops me from bitching about it, either. I guess that's a good thing. If I weren't complaining about something, whatever would I write about?
I hope to get a picture of me and my brother to post here, soon. My best friend took a few shots of us. That was very cool. The last I picture of the two of us together was taken more than a decade ago. I don't know that we look a lot alike. We're both short (I'm only about half an inch taller than he is), but I really can't tell if we look alike otherwise. To me, he just looks like my brother.
I miss him.
Sunday, September 11, 2005
~tomorrow
Tomorrow, my brother is coming up to visit.
I haven't seen him since...
before I left PA
before I got my diagnosis
before I got my cane
before I lived here
before I was actually this sick
before I fell from grace, flat on my face.
I look forward to seeing him. I'm nervous though. I don't like it when he sees me weak. I don't like it when anyone sees me weak. Recently, that means I don't like it when anyone sees me at all.
I haven't seen him since...
before I left PA
before I got my diagnosis
before I got my cane
before I lived here
before I was actually this sick
before I fell from grace, flat on my face.
I look forward to seeing him. I'm nervous though. I don't like it when he sees me weak. I don't like it when anyone sees me weak. Recently, that means I don't like it when anyone sees me at all.
Saturday, September 10, 2005
Politics test
Here's the test.
Here's what I took off of my results page:
You are a Social Liberal (83% permissive)
and an...
Economic Liberal (21% permissive)
You are best described as a: Socialist
You exhibit a very well-developed sense of Right and Wrong and believe in economic fairness.
Here's what I took off of my results page:
You are a Social Liberal (83% permissive)
and an...
Economic Liberal (21% permissive)
You are best described as a: Socialist
You exhibit a very well-developed sense of Right and Wrong and believe in economic fairness.
Just sayin'
I don't really remember talking with you last night. I woke up at about 3AM and started worrying about you, because you never called me after your last text. 
Glad I have a list of my incoming calls to access. I know that I talked to you, because somehow, I know that my smokes didn't show up, but that's about the extent of it. 
If I didn't say so, thanks so much for everything yesterday. Your help means the world to me, it really does.
Hope that you'll feel better today.
Glad I have a list of my incoming calls to access. I know that I talked to you, because somehow, I know that my smokes didn't show up, but that's about the extent of it. If I didn't say so, thanks so much for everything yesterday. Your help means the world to me, it really does.
Hope that you'll feel better today.
"Chinese Fortune" (2)
I'm not too sure how to interpret it, really. If it's just about "luck", I suppose that one can have really shitty luck, and still be happy... or really good luck, and still be miserable.
With me, I'm convinced that I'd still feel miserable, even if I hit the damn lottery or something... but then, I've had really shitty luck my whole life, so I can be a bit of a pessimist.
With me, I'm convinced that I'd still feel miserable, even if I hit the damn lottery or something... but then, I've had really shitty luck my whole life, so I can be a bit of a pessimist.
~Stress! The other white meat!
It's September. You'd think I'd be used to this, as many Septembers as I've been through. September is when things start to get really bad with my head. My actual birthday is always bad, but that's Psych stuff. I guess that, perhaps, the psych stuff aggravates the MS stuff. It starts off bad in September, slowly climbs through October, and then it's November. November is really bad. December, that's just where I get to spend all of my strength trying not to kill myself. Then, January comes. January is a bit better, and all the way up to May it's just a steady sort of "bad". May's usually rough. June, July, and August are usually just about me holding on in whatever way I possibly can... and then comes September again.
I'm sure that there are many different reasons why there seems to be a pattern... including that maybe I'm just looking for patterns where there are none, and just creating them. All I know for sure, is that September has always been bad.... and that "the holidays" have always been bad, no matter what I do to change things... and I have tried many things. Don't suggest meditation, or I'll bitch slap you. (For fuck's sake... I've had this problem for the majority of my life, do you think it never occured to me to take a "holistic" approach? It's like someone suggesting chamomile tea for my sleep problems. I've had a sleep disorder for over thirty fucking years!!! Do you REALLY think that I'm THAT MUCH of a fucking IDIOT!?! No, tea never fucking occurred to me. Fucking Einstein.)
Sorry, I tend to rant.
Anyway... I'm inclined to believe that it really is just the psych stuff setting off the MS. There seems to be no other explanation. So, I'm supposed to avoid stress. I have to chuckle a little at that. Just having this damn disease is stressful. The realities of my life are stressful.
Shoot, just writing this is stressful.
I need a drink.
I'm sure that there are many different reasons why there seems to be a pattern... including that maybe I'm just looking for patterns where there are none, and just creating them. All I know for sure, is that September has always been bad.... and that "the holidays" have always been bad, no matter what I do to change things... and I have tried many things. Don't suggest meditation, or I'll bitch slap you. (For fuck's sake... I've had this problem for the majority of my life, do you think it never occured to me to take a "holistic" approach? It's like someone suggesting chamomile tea for my sleep problems. I've had a sleep disorder for over thirty fucking years!!! Do you REALLY think that I'm THAT MUCH of a fucking IDIOT!?! No, tea never fucking occurred to me. Fucking Einstein.)
Sorry, I tend to rant.
Anyway... I'm inclined to believe that it really is just the psych stuff setting off the MS. There seems to be no other explanation. So, I'm supposed to avoid stress. I have to chuckle a little at that. Just having this damn disease is stressful. The realities of my life are stressful.
Shoot, just writing this is stressful.
I need a drink.
Friday, September 9, 2005
~down
The worst feeling in the world has to be watching yourself become stupid.
I can't find words anymore. I can't get my thoughts out of me and into a form anyone else can understand. I can't draw anymore. I can't do music anymore. I'm holding onto writing, by the skin of my teeth.
I'm losing the ability to express myself.
I've had nightmares about this, as far back as I can remember.
I'm going to have to learn how to blink "shoot me".
I can't find words anymore. I can't get my thoughts out of me and into a form anyone else can understand. I can't draw anymore. I can't do music anymore. I'm holding onto writing, by the skin of my teeth.
I'm losing the ability to express myself.
I've had nightmares about this, as far back as I can remember.
I'm going to have to learn how to blink "shoot me".
Thursday, September 8, 2005
~GLBT Katrina survivors
Finally found a place that focuses on GLBT people affected by the hurricane. Please click, if you have anything you can offer (or want to offer).
I might add, please click on the link if you're looking for someone who identifies as Gay, Lesbian, Bi, or Trans, who is from the affected area, or think that they might be looking for you.
...and please pass on the link to people who may need it.
If you don't know why GLBT people need their own damn organization, that's fine. I have no desire to argue.
thanks much,
(one of them)
I might add, please click on the link if you're looking for someone who identifies as Gay, Lesbian, Bi, or Trans, who is from the affected area, or think that they might be looking for you.
...and please pass on the link to people who may need it.
If you don't know why GLBT people need their own damn organization, that's fine. I have no desire to argue.
thanks much,
(one of them)
~Faith Based Hurricanes
Just about pissed myself laughing over this.
(I think it was the whole bunny thing that did it.)
(I think it was the whole bunny thing that did it.)
610am090805 ~comments
From "Perspective".
you sound stoned! but i know this feeling... completely detatched from that realm everyone else keeps referring to as reality... and im sure that they must be deluded because i feel so heavy and am so truely feeling all that i am feeling...
this is normally when something goes drastically wrong pretty quickly for me and the adrenaline brings me back out just before i go under... and if nothing happens... i know i have to get out.. break that issolation... even if its just going for a work to get the paper or something... is there something like that that u could do?
(my reply)
I took my shot yesterday, and it seems to have helped a bit with feeling tired. The problems with perception, and my eyes, are MS related, so there's really not too much I can do but ride things out when they happen. :\
good to hear the shot helped with energy! does that mean it helps lift ur mood too?
sorry to hear the perception thing is more of a constant. but just think...other ppl have to pay heaps of $$ to get the same affects.... :/
(my reply)
The shots do seem to help with the depression. Getting the hot flashes to stop is also another bonus, and they bump up my immune system too.
I think that my shots are the only thing that have kept me alive this long, all sex and gender issues aside.
you sound stoned! but i know this feeling... completely detatched from that realm everyone else keeps referring to as reality... and im sure that they must be deluded because i feel so heavy and am so truely feeling all that i am feeling...
this is normally when something goes drastically wrong pretty quickly for me and the adrenaline brings me back out just before i go under... and if nothing happens... i know i have to get out.. break that issolation... even if its just going for a work to get the paper or something... is there something like that that u could do?
(my reply)
I took my shot yesterday, and it seems to have helped a bit with feeling tired. The problems with perception, and my eyes, are MS related, so there's really not too much I can do but ride things out when they happen. :\
good to hear the shot helped with energy! does that mean it helps lift ur mood too?
sorry to hear the perception thing is more of a constant. but just think...other ppl have to pay heaps of $$ to get the same affects.... :/
(my reply)
The shots do seem to help with the depression. Getting the hot flashes to stop is also another bonus, and they bump up my immune system too.
I think that my shots are the only thing that have kept me alive this long, all sex and gender issues aside.
Wednesday, September 7, 2005
448pm090705 ~comment
(From "Under 18".)
I can remember saying over and over again to myself...I will NEVER be like that, with regards to my parents and teachers, anyone older than me, and not getting why they couldn't remember being my age or whatever...
I think that for as much as I am an "adult", I'm not at the same time, as I had to be an "adult" when I was a kid...I just try to keep things in perspective as best I can.
Stay true to yourself, very hopeful words...words that I sometimes tend to forget, and wish I didn't.
(my reply)
I feel like, right now, I should but a BIG disclaimer over the top of my blog. I really have no fucking clue what I'm talking about any more.
It's easy to understand kids. My brain is regressing. That what I write makes any sense to anyone, amazes me. :\
I can remember saying over and over again to myself...I will NEVER be like that, with regards to my parents and teachers, anyone older than me, and not getting why they couldn't remember being my age or whatever...
I think that for as much as I am an "adult", I'm not at the same time, as I had to be an "adult" when I was a kid...I just try to keep things in perspective as best I can.
Stay true to yourself, very hopeful words...words that I sometimes tend to forget, and wish I didn't.
(my reply)
I feel like, right now, I should but a BIG disclaimer over the top of my blog. I really have no fucking clue what I'm talking about any more.
It's easy to understand kids. My brain is regressing. That what I write makes any sense to anyone, amazes me. :\
~Under 18
I was thinking about "children".
What I say about children is often misunderstood.
I'll joke about eating them for lunch, or say that I HATE them.
Truth is... I used to be one. I just see them as people, just like me, only younger. No, I'm not a damn pedophile, I just see them as "equals". If someone is an ass, I don't care if they're 7 or 70. Same goes for the true gems.
I remember when I was a teenager, and how I used to look at "adults" and say... wow... don't they remember what it's like?!?!?
I vowed NEVER to be an "adult" like that... and you know what?... I stuck to that vow.
I still have my "teen angst". I hang onto that perspective. I DO remember what it's like, and I believe, that if you stay true to yourself, you'll never lose touch with that.
I hope that I'm never an "adult". Adults are true assholes. I'd rather just be a dick head.
...as Minor Threat said... I may be an adult, but I'm a minor at heart.
What I say about children is often misunderstood.
I'll joke about eating them for lunch, or say that I HATE them.
Truth is... I used to be one. I just see them as people, just like me, only younger. No, I'm not a damn pedophile, I just see them as "equals". If someone is an ass, I don't care if they're 7 or 70. Same goes for the true gems.
I remember when I was a teenager, and how I used to look at "adults" and say... wow... don't they remember what it's like?!?!?
I vowed NEVER to be an "adult" like that... and you know what?... I stuck to that vow.
I still have my "teen angst". I hang onto that perspective. I DO remember what it's like, and I believe, that if you stay true to yourself, you'll never lose touch with that.
I hope that I'm never an "adult". Adults are true assholes. I'd rather just be a dick head.
...as Minor Threat said... I may be an adult, but I'm a minor at heart.
~Perspective
...and the day wears on.
Touched up my "100 things" list. Moved some empty boxes around. Vacuumed my floor... part of it, anyway. I think I ate.
I feel stoned. The day is dragging. My eyes are slow. Everything looks kind of abstract.
Sometimes, I see little flecks of light... sometimes, everything looks flat... sometimes my vision gets hyperintense and even the pores in my skin are vivid. Sometimes, I look at my hands, and I know that they're not mine.... that they're not real... that they're just somehow moving on their own.
My tattoos... sometimes, I look and them and they don't seem real. It seems like they were part of a story I read. They're not from my life. I didn't put them there. Someone else was using this body, but it wasn't me.
Somebody else is writing this. It can't be me.
Touched up my "100 things" list. Moved some empty boxes around. Vacuumed my floor... part of it, anyway. I think I ate.
I feel stoned. The day is dragging. My eyes are slow. Everything looks kind of abstract.
Sometimes, I see little flecks of light... sometimes, everything looks flat... sometimes my vision gets hyperintense and even the pores in my skin are vivid. Sometimes, I look at my hands, and I know that they're not mine.... that they're not real... that they're just somehow moving on their own.
My tattoos... sometimes, I look and them and they don't seem real. It seems like they were part of a story I read. They're not from my life. I didn't put them there. Someone else was using this body, but it wasn't me.
Somebody else is writing this. It can't be me.
"Chinese Fortune" (1)
So, my guess is that I'll completely give up by age 42.
Some of my results
For your own chart
but... yeah well, maybe I'll somehow make it through to 52, and then I'll get some sort of stem cell thingee.
(time approx)
Some of my results
For your own chart
but... yeah well, maybe I'll somehow make it through to 52, and then I'll get some sort of stem cell thingee.
(time approx)
~crap
Damn, do I ever feel shitty today.
I can't even be happy for one goddamned second. Something good happens, like the bill in CA passing, and all I can do grunt and groan.
I really hate this!
Figures, I can't even bitch about it properly, as ~Blog is attempting to "fix some issues".
See! ~Blog is actually trying to fix some of the problems, and what's my reaction?
I really, really HATE this!
I can't even be happy for one goddamned second. Something good happens, like the bill in CA passing, and all I can do grunt and groan.
I really hate this!
Figures, I can't even bitch about it properly, as ~Blog is attempting to "fix some issues".
See! ~Blog is actually trying to fix some of the problems, and what's my reaction?
I really, really HATE this!
~News Flash
The sun just came up. Well... sort of. It just got light out. I can't really see the actual sun yet.
Passed out with the tv on, last night. Woke up to the news... something about CA and the whole Gay marriage thing. Figures, the Terminator has a say in people's lives. Does life imitate art, or does art imitate life? I think that I came to the conclusion, a while back, that the answer is "Yes, No, Both, Neither, and Who the hell cares".
I'm feeling a bit of that today... apathy. I guess I just feel tired. If I'm lucky, I'll have it in me to get a damn shower today. Showering shouldn't feel like a chore, but with me, it often does. It wasn't always this way. I'm a hygiene freak. Two showers a day was not unusual, in the past. They say that it's normal with MS though... the fatigue. Sometimes I can't even hold my cup to drink. My arms get too tired. Resting my face in my plate while I'm eating, often occurs to me.
Tomorrow is "shot day". Maybe that will help. Sometimes it does. I know I'm due, that's for sure. I've been getting hot flashes for two days now. Hot flashes suck. They're par for the course though, I guess. When the hormone level hits "E", it just happens. I'm pretty sure that the heat in the room I was recently staying in destroyed my Testosterone stash. It was often about 100 degrees in that room. It probably ruined it. That's why it's wearing off so fast. Ticks me off a little. I won't have the money to replace it if I lose my prescription coverage in December, like BushyWushy seems to want me to. I can't make heads or tails out of the whole Medicare drug thing. To me, all it looks like is that I'm screwed. Oh well, the State can just pay for another hospital admission afer I use up the last of my Inderal.
Time will tell. Right? It'll be an adventure. Yeah. Right. Fuck you.
Passed out with the tv on, last night. Woke up to the news... something about CA and the whole Gay marriage thing. Figures, the Terminator has a say in people's lives. Does life imitate art, or does art imitate life? I think that I came to the conclusion, a while back, that the answer is "Yes, No, Both, Neither, and Who the hell cares".
I'm feeling a bit of that today... apathy. I guess I just feel tired. If I'm lucky, I'll have it in me to get a damn shower today. Showering shouldn't feel like a chore, but with me, it often does. It wasn't always this way. I'm a hygiene freak. Two showers a day was not unusual, in the past. They say that it's normal with MS though... the fatigue. Sometimes I can't even hold my cup to drink. My arms get too tired. Resting my face in my plate while I'm eating, often occurs to me.
Tomorrow is "shot day". Maybe that will help. Sometimes it does. I know I'm due, that's for sure. I've been getting hot flashes for two days now. Hot flashes suck. They're par for the course though, I guess. When the hormone level hits "E", it just happens. I'm pretty sure that the heat in the room I was recently staying in destroyed my Testosterone stash. It was often about 100 degrees in that room. It probably ruined it. That's why it's wearing off so fast. Ticks me off a little. I won't have the money to replace it if I lose my prescription coverage in December, like BushyWushy seems to want me to. I can't make heads or tails out of the whole Medicare drug thing. To me, all it looks like is that I'm screwed. Oh well, the State can just pay for another hospital admission afer I use up the last of my Inderal.
Time will tell. Right? It'll be an adventure. Yeah. Right. Fuck you.
Tuesday, September 6, 2005
~trusting my gut
Sometimes, when your nerves are raw, you pick up on things most other people don't.
Things are not good. Not at all. I did indeed feel something coming. Indeed.
Things are not good. Not at all. I did indeed feel something coming. Indeed.
Monday, September 5, 2005
~Mine
If you need to take this personal, go for it. I just need to fucking write. I started this blog for ME, not for everyone else.
You don't know what it's like. I always lose track of that. You don't know what my head is doing. All you see... all you read or hear are words... the rantings of someone in another place... someone who's NOT you... you think... That guy's an asshole... all he does is spew shit and hot air.
You don't get it. You don't know what my head does. You don't know what it's like to have raw nerves, and to always be paranoid. You just slowly fade away, because you don't get it. Fade away. Most people in my life do. I'm used to it.
I'm like a crow, remember?
all I can say is,
eat me.
You don't know what it's like. I always lose track of that. You don't know what my head is doing. All you see... all you read or hear are words... the rantings of someone in another place... someone who's NOT you... you think... That guy's an asshole... all he does is spew shit and hot air.
You don't get it. You don't know what my head does. You don't know what it's like to have raw nerves, and to always be paranoid. You just slowly fade away, because you don't get it. Fade away. Most people in my life do. I'm used to it.
I'm like a crow, remember?
all I can say is,
eat me.
~Hell, as usual.
I watch, as the media coverage shifts gears. It goes from live footage, to lots of talking about nothing really important. Pretty soon, it'll shift to just reporting the death toll and showing week old images, over and over and over.
Eventually, people will forget. The drama, gone from their living rooms, will magically reappear, in the shape of "Reality TV". People don't want to hear about things that don't directly affect them, unless it's hyperdramatic... with "Amazing Grace" being crooned in the background and lots of crying children.
All this happened, and still, people don't understand that long before this hurricane, these people's lives were hell, and that they will continue to be hell. They don't really care either, not without the drama... not without the media telling them what to react to. They'll go back to "They just don't want to work", and "Let a stranger into my home? What if they steal something?" They'll go back to worrying about the price of gasoline, and trying to find the latest, greatest computer game. That's what happens. That's how it's set up. That's how we've been raised. We're slaves who whip themselves... and we don't even know it. When we're instructed to close our eyes, we do.
Fear. It works every time.
Eventually, people will forget. The drama, gone from their living rooms, will magically reappear, in the shape of "Reality TV". People don't want to hear about things that don't directly affect them, unless it's hyperdramatic... with "Amazing Grace" being crooned in the background and lots of crying children.
All this happened, and still, people don't understand that long before this hurricane, these people's lives were hell, and that they will continue to be hell. They don't really care either, not without the drama... not without the media telling them what to react to. They'll go back to "They just don't want to work", and "Let a stranger into my home? What if they steal something?" They'll go back to worrying about the price of gasoline, and trying to find the latest, greatest computer game. That's what happens. That's how it's set up. That's how we've been raised. We're slaves who whip themselves... and we don't even know it. When we're instructed to close our eyes, we do.
Fear. It works every time.
Sunday, September 4, 2005
The number you have reached...
Been on the phone with S. for almost 3 hours.
Have to charge my phone.
Have to charge my phone.
"go ~blog" comments
something to weep about, no?
It's a shame that people who put a lot of energy into their blogs can't be recognized for it.
Wanted to add this...
I've found ~blog to be an accurate reflection of (American) society. Is it something to weep about? Hell yes. It's a damn shame.
I can only do my best, I suppose. Try to keep things real... at least, in my own little corner of ~blog/the world.
It's a shame that people who put a lot of energy into their blogs can't be recognized for it.
Wanted to add this...
I've found ~blog to be an accurate reflection of (American) society. Is it something to weep about? Hell yes. It's a damn shame.
I can only do my best, I suppose. Try to keep things real... at least, in my own little corner of ~blog/the world.
~go ~blog
LMAO at the Hot Blogs list.
This is one hell of a site.
-----------------------------
ok, they fixed it. Much better.
It looked like it was a list of the most recent people who registered an account.
This is one hell of a site.
-----------------------------
ok, they fixed it. Much better.
It looked like it was a list of the most recent people who registered an account.
~Beggars can't be choosers.
Yeah well... when you gotta go, you gotta go.
Anyway... where was I?
Right... thoughts...
Yesterday, it occurred to me, while watching CNN, that most people don't know the issues involved with getting housing and/or housing assistance from the government. This won't be just an issue of finding the homes, it'll have to be an issue of changing laws. Housing operates by filling their quotas. It also DOES NOT allow for people who are not "family" to live together. That brings up A LOT of issues. GLBT people are going to have problems. Shoot, even the hetero couple who were just living together and not yet married are going to have problems. If you ever committed a crime? Problems. Bad credit? No credit? Problems. You want to put how many in that bedroom? Sorry. No can do. No references? Sorry.
I've been trying, for years, to see if I can join up with some of the other low income people I've met, so that we can all get assistance and live together. Nope. No can do. I can't even have anyone staying at my apartment with me for more than 21 days. With the "help" comes the rules (to say nothing of the "inspections")... it's infuriating, but it's true. Many of the freedoms many Americans take for granted, you don't have those as a person receiving "help".
I won't even go into what's up with the "free food" you get at various places.
My only hope is that once A LOT of people have to go through these things, some light will be shed on the issues and problems. I'm lucky. I know the drill. I know how the system works (and doesn't). I'm used to feeling like property of the damn State. A LOT of people are about to get one hell of a wake up call though. I can only hope that the wake up call will wake up the right people.
Anyway... where was I?
Right... thoughts...
Yesterday, it occurred to me, while watching CNN, that most people don't know the issues involved with getting housing and/or housing assistance from the government. This won't be just an issue of finding the homes, it'll have to be an issue of changing laws. Housing operates by filling their quotas. It also DOES NOT allow for people who are not "family" to live together. That brings up A LOT of issues. GLBT people are going to have problems. Shoot, even the hetero couple who were just living together and not yet married are going to have problems. If you ever committed a crime? Problems. Bad credit? No credit? Problems. You want to put how many in that bedroom? Sorry. No can do. No references? Sorry.
I've been trying, for years, to see if I can join up with some of the other low income people I've met, so that we can all get assistance and live together. Nope. No can do. I can't even have anyone staying at my apartment with me for more than 21 days. With the "help" comes the rules (to say nothing of the "inspections")... it's infuriating, but it's true. Many of the freedoms many Americans take for granted, you don't have those as a person receiving "help".
I won't even go into what's up with the "free food" you get at various places.
My only hope is that once A LOT of people have to go through these things, some light will be shed on the issues and problems. I'm lucky. I know the drill. I know how the system works (and doesn't). I'm used to feeling like property of the damn State. A LOT of people are about to get one hell of a wake up call though. I can only hope that the wake up call will wake up the right people.
~Coffee Talk
Already edited my "100 things" list a few times. ...trying to make some things more clear, and had to add a couple that I thought too important not to mention. I'm sure I'll be picking at it, and editing it all day. I'm just like that.
I really wanted to sit and write for a while. There's a lot on my mind. Unfortunately, at the moment, gotta go! D'Oh!
I really wanted to sit and write for a while. There's a lot on my mind. Unfortunately, at the moment, gotta go! D'Oh!
Saturday, September 3, 2005
It pisses me off...
All the topics that were lost because of my disease... and because of our board host's ineptness.
Whatever. I suppose that, if it was important, it'll be said again. Who gives a rat's ass about credit where it's due.
Whatever. I suppose that, if it was important, it'll be said again. Who gives a rat's ass about credit where it's due.
~happiness
She lost track of her baby in the storm. Then, she was reunited with him.
It was one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen.
If I could cry, I would.
The love of a parent is priceless.
It was one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen.
If I could cry, I would.
The love of a parent is priceless.
314pm090305 ~comments
(in "tired" entry)
I really feel badly for those folks in New Orleans. I wonder how many will even go back?
(My reply)
I'd go back. If it was my home, I think that the anger alone would push me back. I tend to be loyal to things.
I hope that these people get the money and supplies people are sending. It pisses me off that, usually, they don't.
I am thank you my bed, my floor, my roof, my everything....I have migranes too Cutter. I take Topamax as a preventative on a daily basis. They tried to give me imitrex but i am very allergic!
(My reply)
Most drugs don't work, with me. The migraines are Neurological, from my MS. Sometimes an 800 mg Motrin helps, as it reduces swelling, but generally, I just have to ride them out. :\
I really feel badly for those folks in New Orleans. I wonder how many will even go back?
(My reply)
I'd go back. If it was my home, I think that the anger alone would push me back. I tend to be loyal to things.
I hope that these people get the money and supplies people are sending. It pisses me off that, usually, they don't.
I am thank you my bed, my floor, my roof, my everything....I have migranes too Cutter. I take Topamax as a preventative on a daily basis. They tried to give me imitrex but i am very allergic!
(My reply)
Most drugs don't work, with me. The migraines are Neurological, from my MS. Sometimes an 800 mg Motrin helps, as it reduces swelling, but generally, I just have to ride them out. :\
Just to bitch 3,4
12:27 PM
Fucking migraine.
It's one of those bad ones.
I went to take an 800 mg Motrin to see if that would help in the least, but blanked when I got a pill from the cabinet, and took 120 mg of Inderal LA instead. Now I'm hesitant to take the Motrin. The ice bag didn't do a bit of good either.
I'm now nauseas.
This hurts.
1:39 PM
Washed the Ibuprofen down with a light beer.
Seems to be helping, a little.
Fucking migraine.
It's one of those bad ones.
I went to take an 800 mg Motrin to see if that would help in the least, but blanked when I got a pill from the cabinet, and took 120 mg of Inderal LA instead. Now I'm hesitant to take the Motrin. The ice bag didn't do a bit of good either.
I'm now nauseas.
This hurts.
1:39 PM
Washed the Ibuprofen down with a light beer.
Seems to be helping, a little.
~tired
Turned on the tv. Things are still upsetting me. Those people must be so damn exhausted at this point. Once you've raged for a while, you get tired... especially when you're without food and water, and proper rest. The whole thing makes me so mad... and so sad.
I have a migraine. Thought if I ate it'd go away. It didn't. Took meds, but blanked out while getting them, and took Inderal instead of Motrin. oops.
I think that I'll crawl into bed and watch the news. I appreciate my bed. I'm very lucky to have one.
I have a migraine. Thought if I ate it'd go away. It didn't. Took meds, but blanked out while getting them, and took Inderal instead of Motrin. oops.
I think that I'll crawl into bed and watch the news. I appreciate my bed. I'm very lucky to have one.
~100 Things
ok, this took a while... but I wanted to do one. I'm sure I'll edit it to death, later.
1) I was born, September 19, 1969
2) I have 22 tattoos
3) I have Multiple Sclerosis
4) Although my gender is, and always has been "masculine", I have aspects of both stereotypical sexes.
5) I have moved 43 times in my 36 years.
6) I was labeled mentally ill since 1985, instead of having a correct MS diagnosis (which I got in late November of 2004).
7) I've been legally disabled since 1994.
8 ) The only family member who I feel really gives a rat's ass about me is my (half) brother.
9) I have a best friend, who is like family to me.
10) My school "major" was music.
11) I'm primarily a drummer, although I can play many instruments, and used Double Bass as my primary instrument in college.
12) I'm a "Pagan". I've studied the occult ever since I could study at all.
13) I've used the "Vampire" label ever since sometime in 1984.
14) I've used the "Were" label, ever since I learned the word.
15) I've been sexually or romantically intimate with about 60 different people (most, at different times. both those who identify as men and those who identify as women).
16) I often use the word "they", as a singular pronoun, as to not throw people into two gendered categories.
17) The most expensive thing I've ever owned is a laptop computer.
18) I paint and draw, or at least, I used to.
19) From what I can recall, the highest my IQ ever tested was 162. The lowest was 125.
20) I've been in a mental institution, as a resident, 4 times. The first time was at age 17.
21) I lived in Israel when I was 5 through 6.
22) When I was 7, the apartment complex I lived in with my sister, mother, and my mother's boyfriend burned down.
23) Earlier that year, I was in a car accident.
24) I was under a year old when I had my first surgery. I had to have my tear duct opened.
25) Although I'm now legally male, when I was born, they called me a girl.
26) My favorite food is sushi (sashimi).
27) My favorite drink is hot sake.
28) I'll skip the part about my drug history.
29) I suffer from extreme paranoia.
30) I have many, many allergies.
31) I live in an apartment, which is a part of a "housing project".
32) Every 2 weeks, I stick an inch and a half, 22 gauge needle into my thigh and inject 200mg of testosterone into the muscle.
33) I take Inderal LA for migraines and high blood pressure.
34) I have a house plant named "Harold".
35) I have a stuffed rabbit named "Bunny".
35) I walk with a cane. I named it "Nessie" because it reminds me of the Loch Ness monster's head and neck.
36) I was a very active part of Philadelphia's GLBT community, until 1998, when I had to move out of Center City.
37) I'm "Hardcore". I'm an 80's "punk".
38) I've had 2 of my Wisdom teeth removed, both on the left.
39) I have a patch of light blonde hair on the left side of my head. The rest of my hair is brown, and is getting darker as I age, although I have a lot of blonde in my beard, moustache, and eyebrows.
40) I prefer carpet to hard wood floors.
41) I prefer a VERY firm matress.
42) I prefer cold to hot, when it comes to weather.
43) I worked on a farm, in KY, in 1988.
44) My favorite musical "acts" are Fleetwood Mac/Stevie Nicks, Queen, Genesis/Phill Collins, Joan Armatrading, David Bowie, and Kate Bush. (The whole list is WAY too long.)
45) My favorite "local" type band is a band called "Ruin", whose shows I went to constantly, in the eighties.
46) I don't like sitting with my back to a door, or to activity of any sort.
47) I'm a smoker. I like smoking. I've smoked since 1980. I have NO desire to quit, and am beyond annoyed that smokers and tobacco have become the latest scapegoats in American society.
48) I don't drive. I can't drive. I've never driven. I'm petrified of cars.
49) I was always a very good swimmer, but I could never dive.
50) I have horrible posture.
51) I love to walk. I once walked continuously for 12 hours.
52) My favorite tv shows are documentaries.
53) My favorite movies are Independent films.
54) I'm primarily right handed, but rather ambidextrous.
55) Right now, my income is $912 a month. This makes me rather "poor".
56) I once worked for the IRS.
57) In the past, I played with a number of bands.
58) I'll sooner hurt myself than hurt others.
59) I'm 5 feet, 5.5 inches tall and about 155 lbs.
60) I used to read tarot cards for others.
61) I've always been drawn to Salem, MA, San Francisco, CA, and my hometown of Philadelphia, PA.
62) I despise trends, fads, tradition, religion, and fashion. Sheep are better for eating, not being.
63) Don't take my picture, or record me in any way without asking - every time.
64) People make me feel claustrophobic. I prefer they keep their physical distance.
65) I'm not affectionate with people, unless I'm sexually or romantically involved with them.
66) Light touch usually hurts me. (It's an MS thing.)
67) I am a lot like a crow. Although I'm often misunderstood, I rarely shut up.
68) I prefer salty to sweet.
69) I prefer boots to shoes.
70) I'm allergic to wool, and most man-made fabrics. I prefer cotton and leather.
71) I find lingerie revolting, on anyone.
72) I'm a hygiene freak. The cleaner, the better.
73) I prefer short hair to long, generally.
74) Commitment scares me.
75) I watch A LOT of tv, but I think that I watch it intelligently.
76) I get the backs of "my own". "My Own" consists of GLBT people, Hardcore/Punk people, Disabled people, Atheists and Pagans, Poor people, "Minorities", and Animals. The Underdogs.
77) I don't like dancing. I think it makes people look silly, including myself.
78) It's rare that I cry.
79) I'm generally soft spoken. If I raise my voice, it's usually because I'm VERY angry.
80) Children are people too. I treat them as such.
81) I've never been married.
82) The best part of the Thanksgiving turkey is the skin.
83) I've never had a boyfriend. I've had lots of girlfriends. I tend to have women as my "platonic" friends, but tend to be more physically attracted to those who identify as men.
84) I value my right to change my wants, needs, desires, and preferences.
85) I like watching NFL games.
86) I'm anti-societal, not anti-social.
87) I suffer from severe Insomnia, and have for as long as I can remember. I don't sleep more than 5 hours at a time (and that's drugged). I usually sleep in shifts of 45 to 180 minutes.
88) I graduted from a High School that was attached to a Mental Institution.
89) I spent a good deal of time "squatting", in W. Philly, when I was a teenager.
90) I've eaten at soup kitchens.
91) I rode the bus for 76 hours, from Philly to San Fran, in 1993... and again on the way back.
92) I left "home" right after I turned 15.
93) The night before I left home, my mother said of me, to me, "I have a son, a daughter, and an "I don't know what".
94) I have identified as G. I have identified as L. I have identified as B. I have identified as T.
95) I tend to peel off society's labels.
96) My favorite color is "Hunter" green.
97) My eyes are a combination of green, grey, and yellow. They often change colors.
98) My favorite job was as a barback/maintenance guy/coat check lackey at a Gay bar.
99) I'm constantly writing.
100) I'm more impressed by someone who I can understand, who uses simple English, than by someone who uses elaborate English in an effort to impress me.
1) I was born, September 19, 1969
2) I have 22 tattoos
3) I have Multiple Sclerosis
4) Although my gender is, and always has been "masculine", I have aspects of both stereotypical sexes.
5) I have moved 43 times in my 36 years.
6) I was labeled mentally ill since 1985, instead of having a correct MS diagnosis (which I got in late November of 2004).
7) I've been legally disabled since 1994.
8 ) The only family member who I feel really gives a rat's ass about me is my (half) brother.
9) I have a best friend, who is like family to me.
10) My school "major" was music.
11) I'm primarily a drummer, although I can play many instruments, and used Double Bass as my primary instrument in college.
12) I'm a "Pagan". I've studied the occult ever since I could study at all.
13) I've used the "Vampire" label ever since sometime in 1984.
14) I've used the "Were" label, ever since I learned the word.
15) I've been sexually or romantically intimate with about 60 different people (most, at different times. both those who identify as men and those who identify as women).
16) I often use the word "they", as a singular pronoun, as to not throw people into two gendered categories.
17) The most expensive thing I've ever owned is a laptop computer.
18) I paint and draw, or at least, I used to.
19) From what I can recall, the highest my IQ ever tested was 162. The lowest was 125.
20) I've been in a mental institution, as a resident, 4 times. The first time was at age 17.
21) I lived in Israel when I was 5 through 6.
22) When I was 7, the apartment complex I lived in with my sister, mother, and my mother's boyfriend burned down.
23) Earlier that year, I was in a car accident.
24) I was under a year old when I had my first surgery. I had to have my tear duct opened.
25) Although I'm now legally male, when I was born, they called me a girl.
26) My favorite food is sushi (sashimi).
27) My favorite drink is hot sake.
28) I'll skip the part about my drug history.
29) I suffer from extreme paranoia.
30) I have many, many allergies.
31) I live in an apartment, which is a part of a "housing project".
32) Every 2 weeks, I stick an inch and a half, 22 gauge needle into my thigh and inject 200mg of testosterone into the muscle.
33) I take Inderal LA for migraines and high blood pressure.
34) I have a house plant named "Harold".
35) I have a stuffed rabbit named "Bunny".
35) I walk with a cane. I named it "Nessie" because it reminds me of the Loch Ness monster's head and neck.
36) I was a very active part of Philadelphia's GLBT community, until 1998, when I had to move out of Center City.
37) I'm "Hardcore". I'm an 80's "punk".
38) I've had 2 of my Wisdom teeth removed, both on the left.
39) I have a patch of light blonde hair on the left side of my head. The rest of my hair is brown, and is getting darker as I age, although I have a lot of blonde in my beard, moustache, and eyebrows.
40) I prefer carpet to hard wood floors.
41) I prefer a VERY firm matress.
42) I prefer cold to hot, when it comes to weather.
43) I worked on a farm, in KY, in 1988.
44) My favorite musical "acts" are Fleetwood Mac/Stevie Nicks, Queen, Genesis/Phill Collins, Joan Armatrading, David Bowie, and Kate Bush. (The whole list is WAY too long.)
45) My favorite "local" type band is a band called "Ruin", whose shows I went to constantly, in the eighties.
46) I don't like sitting with my back to a door, or to activity of any sort.
47) I'm a smoker. I like smoking. I've smoked since 1980. I have NO desire to quit, and am beyond annoyed that smokers and tobacco have become the latest scapegoats in American society.
48) I don't drive. I can't drive. I've never driven. I'm petrified of cars.
49) I was always a very good swimmer, but I could never dive.
50) I have horrible posture.
51) I love to walk. I once walked continuously for 12 hours.
52) My favorite tv shows are documentaries.
53) My favorite movies are Independent films.
54) I'm primarily right handed, but rather ambidextrous.
55) Right now, my income is $912 a month. This makes me rather "poor".
56) I once worked for the IRS.
57) In the past, I played with a number of bands.
58) I'll sooner hurt myself than hurt others.
59) I'm 5 feet, 5.5 inches tall and about 155 lbs.
60) I used to read tarot cards for others.
61) I've always been drawn to Salem, MA, San Francisco, CA, and my hometown of Philadelphia, PA.
62) I despise trends, fads, tradition, religion, and fashion. Sheep are better for eating, not being.
63) Don't take my picture, or record me in any way without asking - every time.
64) People make me feel claustrophobic. I prefer they keep their physical distance.
65) I'm not affectionate with people, unless I'm sexually or romantically involved with them.
66) Light touch usually hurts me. (It's an MS thing.)
67) I am a lot like a crow. Although I'm often misunderstood, I rarely shut up.
68) I prefer salty to sweet.
69) I prefer boots to shoes.
70) I'm allergic to wool, and most man-made fabrics. I prefer cotton and leather.
71) I find lingerie revolting, on anyone.
72) I'm a hygiene freak. The cleaner, the better.
73) I prefer short hair to long, generally.
74) Commitment scares me.
75) I watch A LOT of tv, but I think that I watch it intelligently.
76) I get the backs of "my own". "My Own" consists of GLBT people, Hardcore/Punk people, Disabled people, Atheists and Pagans, Poor people, "Minorities", and Animals. The Underdogs.
77) I don't like dancing. I think it makes people look silly, including myself.
78) It's rare that I cry.
79) I'm generally soft spoken. If I raise my voice, it's usually because I'm VERY angry.
80) Children are people too. I treat them as such.
81) I've never been married.
82) The best part of the Thanksgiving turkey is the skin.
83) I've never had a boyfriend. I've had lots of girlfriends. I tend to have women as my "platonic" friends, but tend to be more physically attracted to those who identify as men.
84) I value my right to change my wants, needs, desires, and preferences.
85) I like watching NFL games.
86) I'm anti-societal, not anti-social.
87) I suffer from severe Insomnia, and have for as long as I can remember. I don't sleep more than 5 hours at a time (and that's drugged). I usually sleep in shifts of 45 to 180 minutes.
88) I graduted from a High School that was attached to a Mental Institution.
89) I spent a good deal of time "squatting", in W. Philly, when I was a teenager.
90) I've eaten at soup kitchens.
91) I rode the bus for 76 hours, from Philly to San Fran, in 1993... and again on the way back.
92) I left "home" right after I turned 15.
93) The night before I left home, my mother said of me, to me, "I have a son, a daughter, and an "I don't know what".
94) I have identified as G. I have identified as L. I have identified as B. I have identified as T.
95) I tend to peel off society's labels.
96) My favorite color is "Hunter" green.
97) My eyes are a combination of green, grey, and yellow. They often change colors.
98) My favorite job was as a barback/maintenance guy/coat check lackey at a Gay bar.
99) I'm constantly writing.
100) I'm more impressed by someone who I can understand, who uses simple English, than by someone who uses elaborate English in an effort to impress me.
~breathing
I haven't turned on the tv, yet.
I got some sleep. I had vivid dreams, and a lot of adventure in them. There's food in the house. It's not too hot outside. I made coffee. I have smokes. It's quiet.
It's a good moment in my life.
Sometimes, that's how you have to do it. One moment at a time. If you have a good moment, you enjoy it, catch your breath, and push on.
I got some sleep. I had vivid dreams, and a lot of adventure in them. There's food in the house. It's not too hot outside. I made coffee. I have smokes. It's quiet.
It's a good moment in my life.
Sometimes, that's how you have to do it. One moment at a time. If you have a good moment, you enjoy it, catch your breath, and push on.
Friday, September 2, 2005
~Classist crap
It's funny, when rich people who were camped out at the Ritz-Carlton stole medication from the Walgreens, it was called "commandeering", but when poor people tried to do it, it was called "looting".
I'm so disgusted.
I'm so disgusted.
~Welcome to September
I hope that today is a better day... for everyone.
...and may the month be kind.
...and may the month be kind.
Thursday, September 1, 2005
~Last rant of the night
I'm just going to keep going. I don't care anymore.
I don't care... what you say... I never did believe you much anyway.... I won't be there no more... get out of my way... let me by... blah blah blah...
Sisters and Brothers, Brothers and Sisters... blah blah blah.... Free to Be, You and Me.
We're the tired, the poor, the huddled fucking masses...
The ones who were here, whether we asked to be here or not, who see the... what? The shit and mud. We don't hold stocks, or bonds, or property... and what we "make" in a year doesn't equal what many make in a week.
...but, we behave. We don't break laws. We stay quiet. We don't even vote, for fear... for fear of being SLAPPED on the wrist... or something like that.
Home of the brave. Yeah.
Pacify us with Football and Reality TV.
Whatever.
I'll never lift a finger, I'm too much of a damn coward.
...but... there are a lot like me, who aren't.
You best let your grip on their balls go.
I don't care... what you say... I never did believe you much anyway.... I won't be there no more... get out of my way... let me by... blah blah blah...
Sisters and Brothers, Brothers and Sisters... blah blah blah.... Free to Be, You and Me.
We're the tired, the poor, the huddled fucking masses...
The ones who were here, whether we asked to be here or not, who see the... what? The shit and mud. We don't hold stocks, or bonds, or property... and what we "make" in a year doesn't equal what many make in a week.
...but, we behave. We don't break laws. We stay quiet. We don't even vote, for fear... for fear of being SLAPPED on the wrist... or something like that.
Home of the brave. Yeah.
Pacify us with Football and Reality TV.
Whatever.
I'll never lift a finger, I'm too much of a damn coward.
...but... there are a lot like me, who aren't.
You best let your grip on their balls go.
~Eyes open
I know that I should shut the news off... but I can't... I WON'T.
It makes me ANGRY.
If it were me... I'd want people to be angry. I'd want people to SEE it.
I can't get your back but so much, folks... but I'll be damned if I pretend it ain't happening.
Anyone who needs a place to stay for under 3 weeks, I'm here. I can't give you more than that. I'll lose my housing... and then we'll both be fucked. :(
The space is yours, though. If you can get here. :(
I know. They won't see this. Pass it on, if you can. The whole country isn't blind.
It makes me ANGRY.
If it were me... I'd want people to be angry. I'd want people to SEE it.
I can't get your back but so much, folks... but I'll be damned if I pretend it ain't happening.
Anyone who needs a place to stay for under 3 weeks, I'm here. I can't give you more than that. I'll lose my housing... and then we'll both be fucked. :(
The space is yours, though. If you can get here. :(
I know. They won't see this. Pass it on, if you can. The whole country isn't blind.
~Shooting at the ambulance
ok, let me continue....
Let's just play "pretend" for a few minutes....
Let's pretend that I'm black, and that I have, let's say... a 2 year old little girl. She's at the stadium with her mom. I stayed at the house to protect our things and take care of my mom. My mom wouldn't leave. She's sick, and she won't leave the home she grew up in. She doesn't have health insurance. She doesn't have anything but this house.
It's been days now. I haven't had any food, or any water. Neither have the people in the stadium. My mom died when the water came in. I made my way to the city, with my gun.
Where is the help? Where are the buses? Who's getting my wife and my little girl to somewhere safe? They said it would be safe in the stadium!
There's the hospital... they're taking the patients out. That white old lady obviously had insurance. There's a half dozen people helping her out. She's gotta be 90 years old... and she's dying.
What about my little girl?!?! She's two! Why aren't some of you guys helping my little girl?!?!?
Is this really rocket science?
Let's just play "pretend" for a few minutes....
Let's pretend that I'm black, and that I have, let's say... a 2 year old little girl. She's at the stadium with her mom. I stayed at the house to protect our things and take care of my mom. My mom wouldn't leave. She's sick, and she won't leave the home she grew up in. She doesn't have health insurance. She doesn't have anything but this house.
It's been days now. I haven't had any food, or any water. Neither have the people in the stadium. My mom died when the water came in. I made my way to the city, with my gun.
Where is the help? Where are the buses? Who's getting my wife and my little girl to somewhere safe? They said it would be safe in the stadium!
There's the hospital... they're taking the patients out. That white old lady obviously had insurance. There's a half dozen people helping her out. She's gotta be 90 years old... and she's dying.
What about my little girl?!?! She's two! Why aren't some of you guys helping my little girl?!?!?
Is this really rocket science?
1051am090105 ~comment
(I wrote this in "Just let me rant" as a comment.)
The way I see it, at this point in blogging, I'm tired of writing disclaimers. I was talking about that recently, in another entry.
I use this blog to rant. I can only do so much eggshell walking. Know what I mean?
I hear you, and you didn't need to explain. I didn't get that from what you wrote, at all. If people want to find fault with what you say, they will, no matter what you write. (See latest comments in the "Back Off" entry.) Some people are just like that.
Now, if I can just listen to my own advice...
The way I see it, at this point in blogging, I'm tired of writing disclaimers. I was talking about that recently, in another entry.
I use this blog to rant. I can only do so much eggshell walking. Know what I mean?
I hear you, and you didn't need to explain. I didn't get that from what you wrote, at all. If people want to find fault with what you say, they will, no matter what you write. (See latest comments in the "Back Off" entry.) Some people are just like that.
Now, if I can just listen to my own advice...
~Just let me rant
I have a lot to say about what's going on right now, although I'm just usually caught between a scream, a cheer, and a "completely speechless", and haven't been able to say much.
People's focus on the "looting" and "lawlessness"? That, I find dumbfounding. Where the fuck have people been living?!?! Under a rock?!?! For the people in this country who are at the bottom of the income ladder, this country has SUCKED SHIT for years now! You take people who already had next to nothing, and who were treated like shit, and who had people's fingers pointing in their faces for centuries, and take away everything (including their hope) from them, what the fuck do you think they're going to do?!?!?
I just spent over 8 MONTHS waiting to get housing. I'm white. I had a cell phone to constantly call and hound the agencies. I had my paperwork in order. I had a disease, and proof of it. I had the first month's rent, and my disability check to get me by. I had a place to stay until something came through. ..and it made me fucking CRAZY. Where the HELL do you think these people are going to go!?!?!?!!? Where do you think they're going to find work!?!?!?! How do you think they're going to be able to feed their children?!?!?! ...and you want to bitch because they're stealing tvs to sell, and wanting to take out the "leaders" in society?
People say, "Well, they were told to leave!" Where the fuck should they have gone, and how in hell were they supposed to get there? The stadium?!?!?! Even if they thought about walking to the stadium, knowing what you know,.. and hearing "wolf" cried constantly in your life, WOULD YOU? It's New Orleans!!! Even all this aside, people don't want to walk the streets in many neighborhoods, at night. Would you, after being searched, trap yourself in a stadium with 10,000 strangers? Would you bring your wife and kids there? How about your grandmother?
Most of these people are people who wanted help from their government long before this... and they got very little. They got their kids sent off to Iraq, their food and cash assistance taken away, their health and prescription coverage taken away, and their corner store closed down thanks to WalMart. They were locked up, and spit on, and demonized.
Anarchy? Lawlessness? You're talking about people who didn't need a whole hell of a lot of a reason to revolt in the first place!
I have to stop. I'm getting riled, again. Maybe I'll write more later.
People's focus on the "looting" and "lawlessness"? That, I find dumbfounding. Where the fuck have people been living?!?! Under a rock?!?! For the people in this country who are at the bottom of the income ladder, this country has SUCKED SHIT for years now! You take people who already had next to nothing, and who were treated like shit, and who had people's fingers pointing in their faces for centuries, and take away everything (including their hope) from them, what the fuck do you think they're going to do?!?!?
I just spent over 8 MONTHS waiting to get housing. I'm white. I had a cell phone to constantly call and hound the agencies. I had my paperwork in order. I had a disease, and proof of it. I had the first month's rent, and my disability check to get me by. I had a place to stay until something came through. ..and it made me fucking CRAZY. Where the HELL do you think these people are going to go!?!?!?!!? Where do you think they're going to find work!?!?!?! How do you think they're going to be able to feed their children?!?!?! ...and you want to bitch because they're stealing tvs to sell, and wanting to take out the "leaders" in society?
People say, "Well, they were told to leave!" Where the fuck should they have gone, and how in hell were they supposed to get there? The stadium?!?!?! Even if they thought about walking to the stadium, knowing what you know,.. and hearing "wolf" cried constantly in your life, WOULD YOU? It's New Orleans!!! Even all this aside, people don't want to walk the streets in many neighborhoods, at night. Would you, after being searched, trap yourself in a stadium with 10,000 strangers? Would you bring your wife and kids there? How about your grandmother?
Most of these people are people who wanted help from their government long before this... and they got very little. They got their kids sent off to Iraq, their food and cash assistance taken away, their health and prescription coverage taken away, and their corner store closed down thanks to WalMart. They were locked up, and spit on, and demonized.
Anarchy? Lawlessness? You're talking about people who didn't need a whole hell of a lot of a reason to revolt in the first place!
I have to stop. I'm getting riled, again. Maybe I'll write more later.
429am090105 ~comment
Commented in "Let it go"
have a beer for me!... one of my greatest loves which i cannot have any longer due to my disease... id fukin kill for a beer hey... ironically, the problem is that it may well end up killing me...
%-)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(My reply)
Just opened one. *lifts the bottle* Here's to you. :)
I hope that, when I die, I'll die with a beer in one hand, a smoke in the other, and a smile on my face. ;)
have a beer for me!... one of my greatest loves which i cannot have any longer due to my disease... id fukin kill for a beer hey... ironically, the problem is that it may well end up killing me...
%-)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(My reply)
Just opened one. *lifts the bottle* Here's to you. :)
I hope that, when I die, I'll die with a beer in one hand, a smoke in the other, and a smile on my face. ;)
~Let it go
Some people, who don't know me all too well, but who do actually care, have suggested making friends with the happy Buddha.
Been there, done that. ...ok, maybe I didn't go with it all the way into monkdom, but it certainly was a path I walked on for a while. The peaceful warrior becomes the pissed off warrior, right about the time he becomes the pissed on warrior.
Our brains control our emotions. If our brains are broken, it's not about making choices anymore... It just becomes about hoping that you can get through the next episode of rage without spilling blood. I can't control my emotions. I can still control my actions, to a degree, so I try to focus on that. (Wish I could control my damn mouth/fingers better.)
What has worked for me? Well... um... beer? Seriously, that's the one thing that has actually helped. Smoking too, as it relaxes and distracts me, but especially alcohol. Sometimes, when things get beyond rough, all I can do is put myself out. It's either that, or take the drugs that do it, but they have side effects I can't handle at all.
I've gotten to the point where I can, usually, feel it coming on. I can feel when I start to spiral. I use every trick in the book to stop the spiral, but like a hurricane, there are just some things we cannot control.
So, although the Buddists have a great system, I think that it only works if one has a "standard" brain. I'm pretty sure that mine's an automatic.
Been there, done that. ...ok, maybe I didn't go with it all the way into monkdom, but it certainly was a path I walked on for a while. The peaceful warrior becomes the pissed off warrior, right about the time he becomes the pissed on warrior.
Our brains control our emotions. If our brains are broken, it's not about making choices anymore... It just becomes about hoping that you can get through the next episode of rage without spilling blood. I can't control my emotions. I can still control my actions, to a degree, so I try to focus on that. (Wish I could control my damn mouth/fingers better.)
What has worked for me? Well... um... beer? Seriously, that's the one thing that has actually helped. Smoking too, as it relaxes and distracts me, but especially alcohol. Sometimes, when things get beyond rough, all I can do is put myself out. It's either that, or take the drugs that do it, but they have side effects I can't handle at all.
I've gotten to the point where I can, usually, feel it coming on. I can feel when I start to spiral. I use every trick in the book to stop the spiral, but like a hurricane, there are just some things we cannot control.
So, although the Buddists have a great system, I think that it only works if one has a "standard" brain. I'm pretty sure that mine's an automatic.
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