(Sometimes)

Sometimes, people start bitching about their hangnails and I, with my arm dangling by a thread, pouring blood, and about to fall off, want to strangle them. Other times, I have a hangnail and I really don't give a rat's ass who's bleeding to death. It doesn't make my hangnail hurt any less.

My ranting is not to invalidate anyone else's struggle, even though it might come off that way at times. Sometimes things just suck, and I need to vent. My hangnail hurts me, yours hurts you. My arm is dangling, yours is dangling. We both have a right to bitch, hangnail or dangling arm.

Re: Intelligence - Whatever that means

As with all things, what I say will depend on the day.

I wrote that particular rant after roaming the halls of "Classmates.com" for the first time. I think that it was both a sort of homesickness for my past and a bitterness about the present which inspired it.

The older I get, the less "hope" I have. When you're in school, as bad as things can be, there's a large amount of hope. At this point, there is very little of that. Winning the lottery aside, my hopes for tomorrow are nearly nonexistent. I used to want things... a partner, a career, a house... things that people are supposed to want. Maybe it's a sour grapes sort of thing, but I really don't seem to want anything anymore. Not very much of me still honestly believes that any of those things are worth having. I've had partners, jobs, homes, and they've all either let me down or proved to be intolerable on some level. Then there's the whole MPD thing.

The MPD label is, by far, the most difficult one for me to wear. I've had many labels in my life, and with them, I could just say, "I'm _______. Deal with it!" and do ok. The MPD label is tough. Half the time I can't understand what it is myself. I can spew out a bunch of research and explanations, but even if I do, people still are either petrified of me or see it as something to joke about.

Let me talk about some of my labels....

When you're a, let's say, Vampire, and you tell people, you have to live down a media version of what a Vampire is. With things like that, it's not so tough, even though it's still something that pisses you off. Vampires are glamorous in a way... or powerful. If someone thinks that you're like the media Vampire, it may not be accurate, but at least it's got a certain amount of style.

With a label like "Lesbian", "Gay", or "Bi", often there is strength in numbers... especially over the last 15 years or so.

With a label like "Transsexual" or "Intersexed", it's a little more difficult. Maybe in another 15 years or so that will change.

"Witch" is akin to "Vampire".

Anyway... point is... I've dealt with a lot of labels and dealt with people's reactions to and misunderstandings about them. I've walked in parades, been the only one "out" in large groups, gone head to head with a lot of people in defense of myself. It was never easy, and it's still not easy, but the MPD label is just WAY not easy. See... it's not just the label. The label part I can deal with. It pisses me off when I have to deal with assholes who either make a joke of it or believe the media crap, but I can work through that, usually. It's the reality of it that gets me the most.

Whether or not the label is accurate isn't even the point. This whole "MPD" thing has made it almost impossible to live. The medical/psych community says it comes from abuse... and that's possible, I guess. Seeing it as something spiritual has helped me a bit though.

When you have a serious debilitating physical ailment, people have sympathy.... and if not, at least they believe you when things are progressing. There are sores or limps or guide dogs or canes or sign language or wheelchairs or hair loss or pale skin or things that are THERE to the naked eye. The very nature of MPD is that you can't tell when people have it, unless you're constantly around them for long periods of time. MPD is a "disorder" which protects the person it affects. It's key for the system to make everyone outside the system think that everything is just fine. Only when the person affected with it gets REALLY sick, to the point of, just about, needing hospitalization can people other than the MPD person/system usually tell something isn't quite right.

In school, my brain was bad enough to get me locked up... but as is common for MPD, it was misdiagnosed and I/we found a way to function once released. Fear of being locked up again caused the system to rework itself, and we kept going. It wasn't until 6 years after High School that I/we broke down entirely. When a system isn't functioning properly, or when certain parts of it are simply overworked, eventually it breaks down.

I've spent the last 8 or 9 years attempting to function. Say that another 17 times and perhaps you can understand the problem here.

At least in part, the previous rant about "intelligence" was written by a person whose IQ is superior and who could chat comfortably with the "elite" of the world, who is ticked off by having to coexist with complete idiots. The biggest problem is that it's not only the idiots around that person... it's the idiots that ARE that person.

I lost track of what this rant was about. I'll post it anyway. Maybe it'll make some sort of sense to someone.

chronology

ok, this might be a little complicated, but I want to give it a shot...

Directions:

A = the year. Start with the year of your birth and then, on the next line, go to the next year.
B = What first comes to mind.


The Question:

When I hear _______(A), I think ________(B).




1969 - I was born
1970 - My sister was born
1971 - I think I had my tonsils out that year.
1972 - I think that was the year I got Chicken Pox.
1973 - I watched a lot of Sesame Street.
1974 - Moved to Israel
1975 - Earliest remembered sexual experience
1976 - Mrs. Marks, my first and second grade teacher.
1977 - The fire. (7 alarm - Apartment building I lived in)
1978 - The lost year. (That year seems to be a blur to me)
1979 - I started middle school.
1980 - John Lennon died. (It, for some odd reason, profoundly affected me.)
1981 - Started smoking
1982 - My brother was born
1983 - Discovered "Punk"
1984 - Left home
1985 - K. (My first serious relationship)
1986 - D. (Love of my life)
1987 - Graduated High School
1988 - Moved to Kentucky
1989 - Discovered the Gay community and the joy of being a barfly
1990 - C. (We were the terror twins)
1991 - Work (I was working my butt off that year)
1992 - L. (Soulmate.)
1993 - Breakdown
1994 - Hospital
1995 - Name change
1996 - Back to school
1997 - Cocaine
1998 - My "Goddaughter" was born
1999 - Discovered the Internet
2000 - Lived in webville
2001 - Trapped in the suburbs
2002 - still living it.


added note:
I tried to list the very first thing that popped into my head, but I'd be lying if I said that certain years aren't simply triggers for about 200 pages worth of SHTUFF. ...hey, if I listed everything, I'd have that book I'm always saying I'm working on, and I don't really want to post that here.

Intelligence - Whatever that means

School spoiled me.

I was always put in classes with "smart" kids. I suppose that means I'm "smart".

The problem with that is, by the time I got out of the wonderful world of books and teachers and into the world of debt and working for nothing, I had this warped idea that everyone was "smart"... and if not, just by my nature, I'd be magically pulled away and grouped with those who were.

I have absolutely no tolerance for people who are less intelligent than I am. I spend every waking hour searching for people I can communicate with. Even worse is tolerating a work environment. I don't understand how other people can sit still for it. I never could. Even in school, I didn't sit still for it. I dropped out (3 times) rather than having to listen to people who were, basically, stupid. That was one of the drawbacks to being "smart", I knew that teachers were people. I couldn't treat them any differently than I treated anyone else. I tried to interact with them as an equal. Perhaps along with being "smart", I was also blessed with what many people refer to as a problem with authority. Maybe, but to me, I just can't be told what to do by someone who is less intelligent than I am.

I'm not sure how to define "intelligence". It is rather judgmental of me to think that most people are "stupid". Judgmental or not though, I do it constantly. All I know is that it's torturous to live in a world where concepts that seem so basic to me go 30 miles over the heads of 99% of the world's population. It's something that I was never taught how to handle... one of those classes that just doesn't exist.

It's said that curses and blessings are rather synonymous. I have to agree. I was blessed with intelligence, and cursed with it. Perhaps if the whole word was like the "Stage Kroo" office at GHS I'd get on better in life, but it's not. The world is more like Ms. Tittle's gym class. It doesn't matter if you know how to play the game, just do what I say and stand there waiting for the ball! It doesn't matter if you know the way life should work, just shut up, play along, and pacify the idiots around you.

I suppose this rant makes me seem pretty horrible. It makes me seem as if I'm pompous or snotty. Actually, I'm not. I've gotten pretty good at playing along. I've learned how to stand still waiting for the ball. After all, how will the other people around me ever learn the game if we're not all playing by the same rules? Basically, I go through life having to alter my words and actions in order to make people comfortable. Use words that everyone will understand, and don't speak of things that will be too much of a strain on the listener. I also put a considerable amount of effort into dumbing myself. I've discovered that I can knock a good 30 points off of my IQ score if I drink enough beer.

I miss being in the "smart" class. I miss the privilege of learning from and being challenged by my peers. I miss not having to speak to people as if they were half my age.

I don't miss the bad teachers and administrators though. As an adult, a bad boss can mess up only so much of your life. As a kid, bad authority can scar you for life.

It never really surprised me that my peers couldn't tell that I was being abused. The fact that the teachers and administrators couldn't simply bolsters my theory that I had a lot of really stupid teachers.

There were a few teachers that reached out, that tried to help. They did what they could. They taught. Some even broke the rules for me. Appreciated as that is though, it wasn't enough... then, I'm not so sure what would've been enough.

Perhaps my parents and adult relatives had stupid teachers too. Perhaps that's why they didn't know right from wrong when it came to how to treat a child.

I was a smart kid. Now I'm a mentally disabled thorn in the side of society... fodder for the media.

I should have been a doctor, but due to bad planning....

(no faith, no hope)?

There are two kinds of people on this planet, those who have faith, and those who do not.

I'm one of the ones who do not.


so...


here's an idea...


have faith in yourself. YOU exist. You know that. Pinch yourself... there you are.

All the rest is just fodder for contempation.

Make yourself happy. Do RIGHT in your own opinion. All the rest?...

It's their word against yours...

Have faith in yourself.

"God" would want that... don't you think?

...just something I wrote, once

The reason why I tend to often express my anti-Christian church sentiment a lot more loudly than I do anything else is simply because of where and when I am living. In the U.S., and in many other places, in 2002, the Christian Churches are the most "powerful".

The same sentiment applies to all other churches/organized religions as well though, whether it's Islam, Judaism, Buddhism, or anything else. Although these churches have a few pluses, in my opinion, the minuses far outweigh them.

I was thinking this morning...

When did it become necessary to tell people not to beat their dogs, tease the crippled, respect women, etc.? In my opinion, that should just go without saying!

Persecution has existed, it seems, forever. Christians do it/did it, Jews, The Romans, The Egyptians. At first thought, one could simply blame the "Patriarchy", but persecution is not a men only sport.

One can only assume that it is the nature of humanity to be cruel.

Is it nature, or nurture which makes people cruel? Is it that somewhere back there, there was a cruel person, and from that person thousands of generations learned that being cruel was acceptable?

The chicken or the egg?

I cannot come up with an answer. I don't know that it's necessary though. To me, no matter which it is/was, the problem still exists, and that problem (in so far as I'm concerned) must be dealt with.

So... I set about correcting the problem. That is... I correct myself. I refuse to be "human". I will change my nature or correct my nurture, no matter what the cost.

THAT is the next step in evolution... because if it doesn't happen, our "species" will not survive. We don't need longer arms or sharper teeth. We need empathy. We need compassion. We need intelligence. It's our brains that must evolve.

The thing about life is that where there is a need, nature takes care of it.

We need to evolve.

Nature will see to it that we do.

I AM nature.

I am becoming. I am the alpha and the omega.

I am their darkness.

I am the true light.

(On the trans "conflict".)

I just wanted to tell you that I love you... and maybe give you a thought...

True, it's a struggle. It's more of a struggle than most people will ever even remotely understand... but... the hardest struggle was attempting to be this being called "N###" that everyone else told you that you were supposed to be... and that struggle is one you found the strength to get through. The rest of this is nothing compared to a few decades of that. Know what I mean?

(Grandma) cont'd

It's been a long few days.

Thanks to all of you for your words, and for just being here.

There's nothing quite like being in a room full of "family" who don't know you and whom you don't know to make you appreciate the people who really do care.

There's a lot going on in my head about my "family" right now. A lot of it is teasing. It's a tease... this feeling of hope. I know it well. It usually comes after a funeral or wedding, this feeling of hope. All of a sudden you feel that it might be possible to have something resembling a family that includes blood relatives. Then everyone goes back to being their stubborn, selfish selves (In other words, you wake up and smell the absence of coffee), and life goes on... same as it ever was.

(Grandma)

My Grandma died tonight about 9PM.

I'm pretty sad right now. I'm glad she can finally rest (she was pretty gone for the last 10 years or so, (maybe a little less...), but I still feel pretty sad.

I'm not begging for sympathy or anything by posting this... I dunno, maybe a part of me is, but I just needed to write something.

Rest well, Grandma. You more than earned it.