(To walk in the shadows alone...)

I think that being alone is a perfect example of "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." We usually fear what may bring us pain, and most things that make us stronger are quite painful. (No pain; no gain!)

It feels like I've been alone most of my life, in the true sense of the word. Lately, I've been basically living the life of a 90 year old whose family is long gone and has no children. (I see maybe 2 other human beings once a week, aside from going to the market every 3 days or so where I interact with the cashier.) At times, the loneliness does make you crazy... but with it comes a sense of independence that is priceless. There's good and bad in everything. Right now, I'm at a point where I'm about to lose my precious privacy... and I fear that. I've been alone so long that I'm used to it. It's being around people that I'm not so sure of. As bad as I can be with people online, with a short fuse and what borders on pompous self-righteousness, I'm 10 times worse offline. That's one of the reasons why I stay away from people. Dealing with them makes me snap MUCH too often, and making them deal with me is close to cruel and unusual punishment.

By those I've been around, I've been called both "alien" and "angel". Whether or not it's a compliment, it still boils down to no one understanding me... and so then you have that sense of being alone even in a crowd of people. That sort of alone is often much more difficult to endure than the physical kind.

I could write a book on the "alone" topic (I'm working on it), but I think that this is enough of a rant for now.

The most precious thing I have?

A piece of looseleaf paper with this written on it:

Jan31

Hey -

I love you - Everything will be okay - Always remember that!

It's a note from the girl I fell in love with in High School - and didn't fall out of love with until... until...

Until everything is "okay", I'll never part with it.

I am.

I am my own conscience... my own God. No one tells me what to do... no one tells me what not to do, except for myself. I don't worry about heaven. I AM heaven.

I'll tell you what... if I woke up tomorrow and found out that all the bible thumpers were right, I'd go to Hell knowing that I did the best I could.