(check in - part deux (b)

I've been so damn tired lately.

I get it!

I keep writing down lines while watching tv...

figure I'll keep them here.


Maybe it didn't happen to you, maybe it happened for you.

To treat everyone the same is to treat them unequally.

Forethought of grief makes us human.

Everything is yellow to the jaundiced eye.

(check in - part deux)

I'm not really here. I have to get back in bed.

-sorry if this comes off the wrong way.-

I love you guys, really I do... but no... none of you have been here.

I don't mean any disrespect... but me having problems with my head is just a little different, that's all.

The story (I guess.)

I guess that I'm really just a little too oversensitive for this internet thing.

...sort of like real life.

(conspiracy theories)

What I find with most "conspiracy theories" is comfort.

I see the world one way, the media and most people see it another. When I read someone's "conspiracy theory", I feel less alone.

(just a check in)

Not feeling too great today. Trying to get sleep. I'll be back posting as soon as I can sit up long enough.

(Paperclipdolls)

I never purposely? tried the scrapbook thing.... that's one of the things which caught me about this (paperclipdolls.com) page... I've spent a good portion of my life cutting out pictures. Even online, I'm graphics happy with saving stuff.

(pronoun troubles)

Back around '96 I/we were doing some intensive self-therapy, and we started cutting out pictures purposely? for that reason. Yes, the alters first attempt to show you what they look like... or, we attempt to show one another what we look like.

The project, as well as the intensive therapy, stopped when life got a little more crazy for me/us. The pics were saved though, in a box, not separated anymore.

After I/we read that page, shifted/switched and overwhelmed, I/we ended up on my library floor... making piles.

There were 22.

(To a Norwegian, about Americans.)

I just wanted to share a secret with you...


The majority of Americans are both pissed off and unrepresented.

Neither the media nor the people in government, nor the wealthy tourists, represent the majority of the people this country is populated by.


The President does not represent us. The President, put there by the real power, does not resemble us, protect us, or even give a rat's ass about us.

The real power is Bill Gates. The real power is AOL. The real power is Disney. The real power is MONEY...

and most Americans, whether people realize it or not, don't have much of it.


There are many nations in the world whose citizens are much happier than the majority of Americans.

Problem is, the rest of the world sees Bush, and Gates, and Eddie Murphy, and Britney Spears, and annoying rich people with nothing better to do with their money than go to another country and bitch about their cuisine.

Even online, people seem to forget that the majority of Americans they meet online are the ones lucky enough to have a computer.


People outside of America don't see the real America. The real America is teetering on the brink of revolution in many many areas. The real America is comprised of some REALLY pissed off people. Some are disabled, some are black, some are poor, some are gay, some are elderly, some are children, some are farmers with no land, some are women, some are even just average white guys that are tired of working themselves to death only to afford living in a crime infested neighborhood in a house with no value.


Bush is a puppet. We didn't elect him. He just had the richest puppeteers. Character doesn't win elections. Money does.


Don't judge us by our President... or our tv shows, or our movies, or our rock stars. WE are nothing like them. We're really just a bunch of frustrated people with a tattered piece of paper called "The Constitution" that doesn't seem to pay the rent, and a silly red white and blue flag that doesn't work well as a winter blanket.


p.s. - I know that you said that you don't hate Americans, and I believe you... but I just wanted to explain that Bush, although "elected" does not truly represent most of us.

(The President? Powerful?)

I really don't see the Pres as all that powerful. I see him as more of a puppet.

(Trazodone?) 2

...now, if they just come up with something for night terrors we'll be all set!


I try not to get my hopes up. I really have tried a lot of things. Meds don't usually work, and even if they do, they don't work for all of me. That's pretty common, from what I know though.

...still, it's worth a shot. Thanks again for the info.

...In the pants... (i)

Everyone has their problems, trans or not, but I think that with most trans or intersexed people there is a unique sort of exhaustion that comes with the territory. I think that it has something to do with a comfort zone... a desire to stop fearing for one's life and/or a desire to stop hauling the baggage with which one has already dealt with, but with which others keep forcing that one to carry.

(Trazodone?)

Well, I'm doing some thinking on my meds. Ativan is really expensive, and it doesn't work for me in the dosage that's "normal". There's also that "suicidal" crash from it. I'm supposed to take that for "panic" though, not for sleep. For sleep, nothing works that I've tried, but at least the Ativan knocks me out.

I don't know that Trazodone will work, but it's cheap enough to experiment with, so I might ask my doc about it.

getting in to see my doc is a whole 'nother story...

"Happiness"

cannot be imposed.

("Mr. Raw Nerve")

They don't call me "Mr. Raw Nerve" for nothin'!

The story (peanut butter)

I had a phone conversation with J., and it helped to open my eyes a little about what the actual problem is. See... I just couldn't get it. It's not that A. means to hurt people. It's not that she really forgets. Too, it's not only me that she affects this way... I just have a lot more sore spots than most. Tell A. you're allergic to peanuts, and she'll fix you a peanut butter sandwich. Why? Not because she doesn't know, or because she "forgot". She just thinks that because peanut butter tastes so good to HER, it will also taste good to you. It's the attitude of, it's not that you don't like being touched, it's just that you never had ME touch you.

A. doesn't get that when people say something, it's based on a lifetime of experience. Yes, she's just trying to "make people happy", but she's thinking that everyone is just like her... that everyone just needs to be "enlightened".

(on hating Bush)

I don't know whether or not I'd like Bush. I've never met him. Do I prefer him as my President? No. I wish he'd stay out of politics. I liked Clinton better. I liked Carter best.

There are good things about the US government, and bad things. A pretty accurate reflection of the people, I think. There are some good, some bad. Unfortunately though, bad people seem to be able to get to the "top"... because that's one of the things "bad" people do... sell their souls. It's the only way to get there.

(The story - a re-telling?)

it was not a "re-telling". The only re-telling was the part about what went down in the "rant" topic. (and technically, I never "told" what went down in that topic. It just went down.)

I never really posted about the other things.


As for it being a "drama". Maybe to some it is. To me, it's one of the few people that I let close to me in the last three years REALLY hurting me, and me having to finally walk away. That's not "drama". That's a part of my life which is rather serious to me. I let very few people get that close to me. What happened/is still happening with A. is why.

(on pollyannas)

Life is what you make of it(?!!?!)



I'd like to rip their balls off.


I'd like to twist their tubes into knots.

I'd like to blast noise into their skulls on 10.

I'd like to keep them awake forever...

I'd like to just WAKE THEM UP,



but I can't.


so I shut up...


and "pray" they get it.

(How was my day? 2)

Life feels like one l-o-n-g day.

(Easier said than done.)

Well... often, people don't understand why I do things.

I really don't like seeming unfair. I try really hard to be fair.

Sometimes when people don't know what's behind my actions, they jump to conclusions... they pass judgment on me... and I really hate that.

True, I should just let it go. If someone doesn't trust me enough to trust that I wouldn't do things for "no reason", what kind of a friend are they anyway? Right?

Easier said than done.

I do care that I may come off as "unjustifed".


Even with you, VI. I have nothing against you. You've never done me any harm... but... you're do damn "mysterious" that I get edgy. I mean... I let my soul hang out, and you post a lot of one liners. It makes me a little uncomfortable.

I guess that I'd feel better if I got the chance to know you a little better.

It's tough spilling your guts when a lot of people around you are only showing their noses.

(tick tick tick... BOOM!!!) The Story

I wrote this to post on CB's board, in case A.'s response to my "Please leave me alone" post was what I expected it to be. It was. A.'s doe eyed response poked at me even more... and so I feel the need to post this. I still don't think that it completely explains my problems with A.... but then, I'm not sure how to make it any simpler. She's just not all there. The lights are on, but no one is home.

I'm not going to post it on CB's board. I have no desire to hear one more "I'm sorry" or to have what is written here thrown in my face.

...but I need to post it. Maybe someone will read it and be able to extrapolate just what the problem is from what I've written. Maybe someone else can give me the easy sentence that I need in order to explain it.

whatever... I just need to post this.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In order to explain anything, I have to go back to the first Dragon Con.

When the first Dragon Con was being planned, A. and Jx decided to help get me there. I really didn't want to go, but I did like the idea of being able to meet some of the people I'd met online. I let both Jx and A. know my deal. I had problems with sharing rooms with other people. Because of my head, what staying with people amounts to is my not sleeping and being paranoid the whole time.

I agreed to sharing a room with A. Because I'd spent so much time explaining my "issues" to her, and she seemed to be listening to me, I thought that everything would be fine.

In the meanwhile, I met C. C. really wanted to come to Dragon Con, and I really wanted to meet C. offline. When I first "met" C., I didn't know she was married. Then, she filled me in telling me that she was, but that she and her husband were separated and he didn't live with her anymore. That story changed in about a week or two, when her husband came home from his latest military assignment or wherever he'd been. Despite that though, she said that she was planning on getting divorced, and that if our offline meeting was as intense as our online/phone relationship, she'd make him sign the papers as soon as she got home from the Con. (Yes, I should have seen that as a warning, but... live and learn)

A. and Jx decided to help me and C. out. Instead of paying for my convention ticket, they put that money towards C.'s bus ticket.

The room ended up being the "party" room. I was paranoid, yes, but I dealt ok. I stayed pretty plastered and enjoyed my time with C.

When I got home, the lies started/continued. C. put me through shit I can't even explain here. For support, I turned to A. She seemed to be there for me.

Things got worse and worse with C. Not only was there no divorce in sight, but there were so many lies that to this day I have no real idea what, if anything, was true. All I do know is that I spent 24 hours a day either waiting online for her, calling her, talking to her on the phone, or going insane. I sent her a plane ticket so that she could visit. It was never used. I ran up hundreds of dollars in phone bills. I deleted my posts at PTD so that her husband couldn't track me down.

(and here's where A. comes in)

I decided to construct a Dragon Con Webpage. Throughout everything that was going on with C., I told A. EVERYTHING. Most especially, I told her about making no reference to my relationship with C. online, because her husband was on the warpath.

A. sent me her "DragonCon" story.

I had to edit page after page of it. Why? Along with seemingly trivial things like not remembering what we did, ate, or people's hair colors, the whole damn thing was all about me being involved with C.!

ok... her memory isn't the greatest... there was a lot going on, yadda yadda yadda.

I blew it off.

I continued to attempt to see A. as a friend and as a source of support. Things only got worse with C. I was physically ill, emotionally drained, and... in the end... I lost my apartment. To say that I was a mess would be the understatement of the year.

Now forced to stay in the suburbs with a friend of mine, her husband (who seemed to hate me), her toddler, 3 cats, and a dog (with me having horrible allergies), in an 8'x8' room, without a car or the ability to drive... I finally broke. I told C. to get out of my life.

What did I get from A.?

"Oh... that's a shame. I really wish you guys would get back together."

WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?


ok... maybe A. just wasn't good at expressing herself... maybe she just fed into C.'s lies about the whole thing... I didn't know.

I let it slide.

Then, PTD blew up.

I asked CB and A. if they'd be interested in creating a board with me. Both of them were VERY interested.

Then, both of them vanished.

I know, life happens... so I plugged away, taking care of things myself. It wasn't an easy task, and no matter how many times I asked for help from them, I got none. The few times A. actually did show up, she had no clue as to what was going on. She didn't read. She went directly to CB's posts, read and replied to them, sometimes posted something herself, then disappeared again.

True, A. was in the middle of leaving her husband. She didn't have the time or energy to dedicate to the board. I understood that, but I guess I just hoped that when she did actually get a few minutes, she'd at least read some of the posts that were entitled "PLEASE READ" or "VERY IMPORTANT".

I blew it off.

Then, there was the idea of moving South.

A. wanted to move to Atlanta. I needed to move out. I need to live in a city. Made sense to me. We'd find a place in Atlanta and maybe it'd work for both of us.

I spent hours talking to A. about things. I HAD to. Because of my "disability", there are certain things people have to know about me if they're in a living situation with me.

Within a day of being at CB's with A. (we went there to go apartment/job hunting), I came to the conclusion that there was NO WAY I could move there.

A. didn't want to move to Atlanta. A. wanted to move to the suburbs. For me, it made no sense. I'd be leaving the only semblance of family I had, to live in an almost identical situation in a state I really can't stand. (No offense to Southerners, but us penguins don't like the heat!) I might have been able to do Atlanta. Atlanta is a city. A. didn't want to live in Atlanta. I had to decline.

When I came to that conclusion, I was a mess. I was immediately homesick, and because of the drive down and my car-phobia I was coming down off of my meds. I'm not a crier... but I was rather teary eyed while attempting to explain things to A.

What did A. do?

She came at me to hug me.

After post after post and hour after hour of telling A. things I'd told no one else, and thinking that she was listening when I said "never touch me", at one of my most vulnerable points I'd been at, this woman lunges at me.

I snapped at her.

I then had to comfort HER because I snapped at her.

So... I let it go.

When I left, after she assured me that she understood my reasons why I couldn't move, I was informed of a "dream" she had... That I had attacked her car. Gee A., why don't you tell me what you really think.

I let it go.

A. moves.


Still, A. is not posting.

I miss A.

My friend's husband seems to hate me. We do not speak. I ask him for nothing. I hide in my room. I stay out of his way.

I ask him if it'd be ok to give his old computer to A.

He agrees.

Yay! A. will have a computer.

A. comes up to visit her family in New Jersey. She is going to pick up the computer and my old monitor, and ship them to her new job in GA.

A. shows up with tape, boxes, and more than enough money to ship the computer, leaving it with me (who can barely get to the foodstore without creating tension with my roomates) to send.

I was pissed.

I let it go.


After a few weeks, I finally get my friend to agree to take me to ship the boxes. The boxes do not fit in the car.

I have to ask her husband.

It gets done, but arrives with damage to the monitor.

CB manages to get it running.

CB then thanks me for their computer.


ummmmm.


A.?


I let it go.

A. still rarely shows up to post.


It's time for Dragon Con! YAY!

I learned my lesson the previous year. I do not want the party room. I cannot deal with people. I need an escape room. RBW needs an escape room too. We decide to share. I decide that it might be nice to help someone else out, since the previous year Jx and A. helped me out. NL. decides that she'd be into it. We all agree that after the last party, this time around it'll be invitation only. Things should go fine. If not, I always have a place where I can catch my breath if I need to get away from the crowd.

Over and over and over and over and over again, I was CRYSTAL clear about two things.

1. DO NOT TAKE MY PICTURE WITHOUT WARNING ME FIRST.
2. DO NOT TELL ANYONE WHERE OUR ROOM IS. DO NOT BRING ANYONE TO OUR ROOM. PRETEND THAT YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW THAT WE HAVE A ROOM.

By the time Dragon Con was over and I'd spent some time at CB's, I was so close to killing A. I can't even put it into words... and for those of you who think that I might mean that figuratively, that's not the case. I mean that VERY literally.

(During the actual Con) She'd made a big stink to the entire party because I needed a break, making me look like shit to everyone there.

That sorted out, A. just continues to be A. Whether it's because she's tired, has ADD, or anything else, it was obvious that no matter what I attempted to say to her, it was like talking to a wall.

By the end of that (first) weekend, I was such a mess that anyone who knew me could tell that I was about ready to blow.

We'd just come back from dinner. At dinner, I was so infuriated that I actually had to get up and leave the table because I was about to start throwing things. I think that if it weren't for RBW, I would have.

CB followed me to the bar. I tried talking with him. I couldn't even deal with NL. My last nerve was completely raw.


After dinner, I just needed to chill out.

Somehow, our room was full.

A. then went downstairs while I was attempting to hide out on our balcony talking with Spaw.

RBW, before taking NL. downstairs to get away from the impending explosion, informed me that A. had just gone downstairs to bring up candles and alcohol so that "we" could have a party.

I really don't remember what I said... but they left pretty quickly.

I tried to pull myself together. I really did. I turned on the TV, drank, talked to Spaw.

It wasn't working.

No sooner than I'd said "If she brings Bdude in here I'm going to completely lose it", Bdude walks into the room.

Then, A. walks into the room... with three more people in tow.

With every last bit of composure I had, I asked A., "What are you doing?".

Most of what happened after that is a blur. I took my meds. A. left, taking everyone with her. She then called up to the room in tears. I was mad at her because, as usual, she fucks up and I'm left having to apologize for hurting HER feelings. She then proceeds, still in tears, to go find everyone else.

I look REALLY good now.


I didn't let it go.

When we were, once again, back at the CB's, I pulled her aside and told her that I was concerned about her. That she seemed not to hear/remember anything I said... that maybe her ADD was getting worse.

She said that she had been tired.

The end of the trip, and the end of my trust in A. was while getting NL. to her plane.

Not only did A. keep wandering off looking at the art work in the airport, completely oblivious to just about everything and everyone else around her to the point of us nearly losing her in the place, when she wasn't doing that, what was she doing?

Repeatedly taking my picture.


We went out to eat. I did appreciate the two of them treating me to dinner. It was very kind of them. Did it cancel out everything else? No... but I still thought that it was a nice gesture... and that was, at least, something.


I made my train, barely.



In truth, I've NEVER been so happy to be away from someone as I was on September 10th.

I had A LOT of thinking, and posting to do to attempt to salvage anything with A.


but then came September 11th.


Things on the board went from bad to worse. A. was still never there. Even when I finally closed the board, A. had NO CLUE why I'd closed it. She showed up at (my newly opened public board) COMPLETELY oblivious and didn't bother reading what the board was there for. I create a board to clear up the bullshit, and she shows up posting a "Happy Winter Solstice" thread, as if it's just (my private board/community) II and I'm attempting to start another board for people to chat on.

A. either doesn't read or does not retain anything she does read. I call her on that, and of course, what happens? It gets turned around on me again. Bad Bad FR. Your words are so hurtful.

Not much is resolved on that board. I close it.

I let it go.

I soon reopen (my private board/community).


A. does the same damn thing. She doesn't read. She doesn't bother to see how her posts are affecting people. The main reason she's there seems to be because CB is.

I post a topic wanting to talk about how time seems to cloud things... about how even though last year's Dragon Con was completely awful for me, I actually wanted to go again this year.

What did A. post?

"Ahhh ---I, too, was trying to avoid the "Let's get together for Dragon Con" post--prefering to let someone wade into the doodoo instead.

But now that it was brought up, there were several unfortunate, out-of-control things that went on...magnified because of stress, illnesses, and the general chaos of the place. In fact it was "Dragon Con Part 2" (and often in trying to live up to expectations of 'Part 1" the sequel turns out WORSE--and in many ways it did
It was "Dragon Con on Steroids!"

After the dust had cleared, I've come to some conclusions:

I did my best.
I am not responsible for people's feelings. They are.
I am not the bad guy.

Could we ever have another Dragon Con get together--and have it be a positive experience? Yes, we can--now that we've seen the worst and best aspects of the idea.

Reality replacing false expectations is always good.
Meeting on a personal basis isn't a bad idea either."


I completely snapped.


As a note here, I don't care whether or not CB (as he said) "set A. up". It was for A. to listen to ME, not to CB, if she wanted to hear what I had to say. If she wanted to know how I felt, all she had to do was turn on the computer. She didn't. For years, all she had to do was turn on the computer and read. She didn't. No matter how much I begged her to. Not even after sending her a computer. She STILL could not manage to read. How many times did I say that I didn't need an apology, that I just needed her to STOP doing what she was doing? She completely wrecks me with a post, then waltzes in, and posts some crack-fairy ritual to inform me that SHE's ok with everything?.. that because she says so, I'm supposed to be all fine and dandy with everything?

If she wanted to "drop it" she could have. She could have walked away. She could have just said, "we can't resolve this. I need to stop trying". She didn't... she kept poking and poking and doing everything in her power to prove to everyone who read that thread just how awfully she was being treated... and how caring and forgiving she was... and how I didn't hear HER.


It was, for me, days without sleep. I was a wreck. There was NOTHING I could post that would make me look any less like the "bad guy". It was "evil FR", and poor cornered A. Even when people said their piece, it wasn't their piece... it was just them "sticking up for me".

I finally asked an offline friend for advice, and she pointed out to me that in not banning A. immediately after she posted what she did about RBW (I'm not your home life... yadda yadda yadda), that I was not only insulting RBW, but sending out the message to people that none of my rules have to be followed. Up to that point, the words were angry, what A. posted was COMPLETELY below the belt.

I posted this apology to RBW:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Follows Ravens
Board Meister
Posts: 3485
(7/2/02 8:41:25 pm)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My apologies to you, RBW. Please forgive me. I wasn't thinking straight, and forgot that I was responsible for running (this board), and making people adhere to the rules. I was so busy trying to convince everyone else that I was in the right, that I forgot that not only don't I have to, but that my time was better spent on other, more pressing, issues.

I care for you a great deal, and my ego got in the way of doing the right thing. I apologize, and hope that in the future I do not repeat this act. If I do, please feel free to call me on it. Sometimes I just need someone to remind me that I'm supposed to be "the bad guy".


Very Sincerely,

-FR
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


I banned A.


I, after A. continued to e-mail me and insult me, told her exactly why she was banned in detail, attempting to clarify it for her. I asked her to not contact me any further on the issue.

She continued to e-mail me, and continued to insult me.

I finally told her, a little more angrily, to PLEASE "Drop it" ...that I was reopening the board and that she was free to post in the general areas, or anywhere else she was invited, as long as she got another user name. (It was only fair to restart her post count.) I told her that I could not be friends with her because she was "dangerous" to me... that I was done attempting to explain things to her.

She agreed to "drop it".

Then, I get here and see all this crap. To her, they're little jokes. To me, they're her poking and poking and poking until I blow up, and again make myself out to be that bad guy, and her out to be all sweet and innocent.

Yeah, A. It was all about your ex. It had nothing to do with about a month's worth of me and a few others saying "A. just doesn't get it". I'm really not as THINK as you DUMB I am.


so... other than "A., you just don't get it.", what the hell am I supposed to say?

I'm DONE letting things go. I'm DONE trying.

...and most of all... I'm DONE attempting to explain myself to everyone because of her not getting it.


I trusted A., and whether or not she did it intentionally, she trampled all over that trust. I CANNOT continue to put myself in that position.

(tick tick tick the explanation tick tick tick)

I have a sleep disorder, and there's little that works. I've been like this since about the age of 6 or 7. The only thing that will put me out for more than 5 hours is anesthesia... and even that is pretty messy. 3 - 5 hours? Mixing certain drugs with alcohol can do that. If sleep equals being asleep for more than 5 hours at a time... I haven't slept since about 1975. (I guess that might explain my grouchiness.)

Even at my "healthiest" I only sleep in 90 minute stretches... 3 hours max... but I roll over and go back to sleep. My 5 hours the other night was, basically, about 6 or 7 naps.

When things get bad like this (and it's been happening a lot lately) I go for days on what most people get in a night. I wouldn't mind so much if I didn't feel so sick because of it.

tick tick tick (X)

Still having insomnia problems.

The worst thing about it is that my brain simply isn't working.

tick tick tick (IX)

I got about 5 hours total (in the last 24). MUCH better than (the recently usual total of about) 2. At least I can see again!

(Separation by Sex....) 2

I think that if it were up to the majority of parents, the gay kids should be locked up and kept away from their children.

(School Uniforms?)

I'd have to go with no on the uniform issue. Among other reasons, it's not an accurate reflection of the "real world". Instead of taking away people's individuality, I think it'd be better to just spend more time teaching children to respect one another despite their parent's social status.

tick tick tick (VIII)

As you can see, the sleep idea isn't going very well.


...I've tried just about everything. It's just my brain... nothing works when it gets like this. Even when things are "normal" for me, I don't sleep more than a couple hours at a time... it's just that normally I can roll over and fall back to sleep.

Like I said, sleep disorder.

tick tick tick (VII)

ok, that's it. It's been days now.

I'm NOT coming back in here until I get more than 2 hours sleep, I don't care how long I have to stare at my ceiling!!!!




(Hopefully I'll see y'all tomorrow... and hopefully I'll be able to actually see the screen! )

(Separation by Sex....)

As much as I understand the appeal of a single sexed school, I'll never promote the idea. It's discriminatory.

tick tick tick (VI)

it could happen...

About my "disability" (commenting further)

All of us do not have an interest in the online thing. (Some of us can't even read)

The ones that do have an interest work together. As I said, seeming consistent is rather important. (job #1 is protecting the system, and inconsistency results in hospitalization and loss of friends and family)

Those of us who are too extremely different from the bunch of us that do post here occasionally slip out. That's why you'll see a lot of my posts edited, or disappear altogether.

...that's also why I seem to be on 24 hours a day. Just checking up after myself is a pretty time consuming task.

tick tick tick (I-V)

(1:33am)

Time for me to go to bed
Took a pill to stop my head




Here's hopin' for some shut-eye.

---

2:31am

...any minute now...

---

3:36am

this sucks

---

7:56am

good morning.

---

11:55am

Eventually I'll just pass out cold.

About my "disability" (commenting)

I tried to talk about it more when I first opened the board... but I got yelled at... so I dropped it. I didn't want to upset people, or bother them with my shit. At least I have some backup with the sex and gender stuff.

About my "disability" 3

Some of us hear voices, etc. like thoughts, some of us actually "hear" voices, etc. Some of us hear nothing.

We are a WE. No one is more important than the other.

It's a democracy, not a monarchy. Attempting to make it such causes revolution. The spokesperson for the system varies with the situation. Our strengths and weaknesses vary. Often though, it is the case that we compete for "center stage". As a general rule, when someone wants to take center stage, they are allowed to. Pulling someone off stage results in the person who did the pulling being tossed into the orchestra pit.

I often describe it as (like) riding in a car. Sometimes you're the driver, sometimes the navigator, sometimes the passenger. When it's someone else's turn to drive and you won't give up the wheel, you get thrown in the trunk. We have to share the car. There's only one.

If you're in the trunk, you can't see where the others are going. You lose sense of time/black out.

Because we've spent so long working on this, black outs are a lot more rare than they used to be... but it still does not allow me/us to live a very "productive" life. Holding down a job requires holding some sort of schedule. A schedule requires telling someone else that they can't have the wheel. It's only a matter of time before you get tossed into the trunk.

Having about 1/18th of the time that most do in life, it's pretty difficult to keep up.

About my "disability" 2

(Depending on when you ask me, of course) I don't know that I really believe in "integration". If you're multiple, you're multiple. You just learn how to live with yourselves.

I view this (again, depending on when you ask me, of course) as a spiritual thing. There's one body that is home to many spirits. Could we combine and become one spirit? Maybe, but I don't know that we'd want to. Some of us really don't even get along too well. We have a common "job" right now, but I think that we all value our seperate "identities". It's interesting to think that maybe I'll be reincarnated as my own best friend or worst enemy in the next life... puts a whole new slant on the way one can view the world. I may have been you in a past life. You may be me in the next. We may become an "us". Sort of helps in that whole "attempting to care about other people" thing... promotes the notion that "we're all in this together".

Could you imagine being "trapped" in a body with your own worst enemy? Now there's a challenge. It makes sense though. What better way to spiritually grow?

About my "disability"

Learning to live with a mental disability (to me) seems more difficult because of the stigma and the "invisibility". With a physical disability, it's often rather apparent. With a mental disability, it's often invisible... and rather than people understanding you, they either fear you or accuse you of just being a "bad person".

I was first diagnosed in (I think it was) '94. As with most people with DID, it's difficult to diagnose and I was first diagnosed as having a number of other mental illnesses. It's pretty tricky... depending on which "alter" is in the front at the time of being assesed, a person can seem 100% ok, and then another day they have OCD, then the next they have major depression, then Borderline Personality disorder, and on and on.

I came to the realization that I might have MPD when I met someone else who was and spent some time talking with her. We had a mutual friend, and she introduced us, because she suspected that I had MPD as well. Once I went to a professional who knew what MPD was, it took all of a few minutes for me to receive the glorious label. Actually, once I realized what MPD was, it enabled me to actually make a lot more sense of my behaviors and problems. (Black outs, "forgetting" things, being accused of constantly contradicting myself, varying accents, changes in stature and appearance, vanishing health problems, varying blood types, getting lost, etc.)

I've spent the last 8 years or so attempting to figure out how to live with my "disability". It's not been easy. I spent some time hospitalized. I lost many family members to fear. It's been a bumpy road. It's still a bumpy road.

I don't know if I'll ever be able to "function", but I keep trying to. The stigma alone, however, has held me back quite a bit... and no one wants to be around a contradictory person who loves you one minute, and the next has no clue who you are. It's tough to ask for patience or understanding, or even help. I can't offer guarantees... but yet often I do. I'll seem just fine one minute, and the next I'm a shitting myself mess.

I've spent the last years attempting to seem more consistent... to get my "system" to function as more of a democracy... but still, the second I think things are going fine, everything falls apart. One of us wants school, the other wants drugs. One of us falls in love, the other uses people like most use paper towels. One of us has a disgustingly high IQ, the other can't spell IQ.

There are very few people who can stick around me long enough to be called a source of "support". It takes the patience of a saint and the understanding of a "soul mate". That's a lot to ask for in a person.

As for the genders/sexes of "us"... there are some men, some women, some neither/both/all. Some aren't even human. My democratic default... "I" am an Intersexed, Transsexual guy. We can all get by with that, even if we're not all accurately represented by it.

When I/we first came online, I/we tried to explain to people that the best thing to do would be to keep in mind that there were many of us using the same screen name... and that sometimes "I" meant "we"... but people seem to have trouble relating to me/us that way.

After 3 years or so, it's easier to just let people think "I'm" an asshole or that "I'm" sick. It's all most people will ever be able to understand. "Multiplicity" is just too broad a concept for most people to grasp.


Hope that explains a little... and that it didn't come off as being too bitter.

(Back to school?) V

Well that seems wrong...that you can qualify for assistance to go to a school but not to get an education (via the net or home study)...it seems a bit inflexible. I wonder if you could appeal to them about this seeming "Catch 22" situation.

I'm sure that it's possible that I could... but... the reality is, if I cannot function in a social environment to learn, I cannot work in that field.

It's about proving myself.

(Back to school?) IV

What about work from home type programs where you work at your own pace? Would you be able to get some of the credits out of the way that way? There are also some online courses offered in some nursing courses.

I can't afford them.

Offline, there are places that will help me pay for schooling. Online, it's all on me.

The best I can do right now is what I'm doing. I read as much as I can, so when I actually do end up in school, the classes will seem easier and my grades might be higher than if I went in blind.

(Back to school?) III

...what about going through as a chiroprator or physio therapist? They're like doctors but without the intensive education.

I want the education.

Too though, neither occupation would allow me to do what I really want to do. Either I want to go into General Practice, Emergency Medicine, or Gyn.

The point of wanting to get a degree in medicine is to be able to 1. Serve the gender/sexual minority community (in the medical trenches) and 2. Change the current system which is abusive to us. (The point of studying medicine is because I'm interested in it, and I already do that. I just need letters and degrees to practice.)

I'm considering just taking the year or two and being an LPN, because I could actually serve the community that way, and the pay is ok. If I can do it, I can continue in school while working... but that all depends on what I'm capable of down the road.

All of this is completely dependent on what sort of support I get, and how well my head holds up. I often hit good patches, only to become completey non-functional after a matter of months. It's all in this fun "disability" I have.

(Back to school?) II

FR what would you like to take?

I'm interested in medicine (always have been... that and music, but music doesn't pay too well)... I just don't have the money to get through 10 years of med school. Nursing might be an option sometime soon. It depends on a lot of other things in my life though.

(What's up with me today?)

My mother came to visit... first time in about 5 years or so. (Long story)


I really need a nap now.

(Back to school?) I

I'd like to go back to school one day. I'm trying really hard right now to work towards that happening... but it's a bit of an uphill battle.

Maybe next year?

Yes, I'm addicted.

Daily usage details


Hours used each day for the billing period from 07/05/02 through 08/04/02 (hh:mm:ss):

07/05/02:
01:55:13

07/06/02:
01:01:55

07/07/02:
01:33:10

07/08/02:
01:24:58

07/09/02:
03:30:09

07/10/02:
01:49:54

07/11/02:
05:21:17

07/12/02:
02:59:02

07/13/02:
01:18:47

07/14/02:
03:56:05

07/15/02:
06:32:32

07/16/02:
06:26:51

07/17/02:
11:45:22

07/18/02:
05:42:39

07/19/02:
09:30:35

07/20/02:
07:41:54

07/21/02:
07:44:42

07/22/02:
08:52:47

07/23/02:
08:24:25

07/24/02:
10:54:22

07/25/02:
10:22:05

07/26/02:
01:48:54

07/27/02:
03:23:37

07/28/02:
04:40:29

07/29/02:
03:53:16

07/30/02:
02:14:27

07/31/02:
03:31:22

08/01/02:
04:57:19

08/02/02:
04:03:55

08/03/02:
02:47:01

08/04/02:
07:57:42



Total hours used during
this billing period: 158:06:46

(MSNBC Sleep Test results)

Your Sleep Score

Your responses indicate that you may be suffering symptoms of the following sleep disorder(s):

Sleep Apnea - a potentially serious disorder which causes you to stop breathing repeatedly, often hundreds of times in the night during your sleep.

Insomnia - a persistent inability to fall asleep or stay asleep.

Narcolepsy - a lifelong disorder characterized by sleep attacks during the day.


(Actually... not like I'm an expert or anything, but I think that I'm just subconsciously afraid to be asleep. :( )

...In the pants... (h)

Maybe I'm just projecting my own stuff (that is what most of us do though).

From a very young age, my entire body felt "wrong". To this day, I still can't get it through my skull that there's nothing big enough to pull out when I approach a toilet... or that there's nothing to protect in a fight... or that there's nothing there to cause the sensations which I actually feel, other than brain activity.

Things which were supposed to be there, weren't... things that weren't supposed to be there, were... but it was like a phantom limb thing. I knew what my body should look like, but it was different every time I looked at it. It simply wasn't my body. Really? It still isn't... but I can deal a little better than I used to. I'm "Intersexed", and I'm doing my best to live with that. I'm a transsexual, and I'm doing my best to live with that. My gender is masculine. I'm a guy who is WAY in touch with his feminine side. My sex is Intersexed. I have physical attributes of both/all recognized sexes. What should I be? Well, there's a reason I am they way I am... so I can't say that I should be otherwise. I couldn't have learned the lessons I have, if I were any other way... but I could stand for living as a biologically "normal" male for a while. Life is pretty rough like this, and I get tired of it a lot. I think it'd be worse as a biologically "normal" female though... although I'm sure I could survive it for a few years if I had to. It does have its perks... but least the way I look now is closer to what I feel is right for me.


I could see this as transsexualism... or take it to another level, and involve past lives... but either way, although I appreciate the opportuinity to experience life this way... I REALLY need a fucking break in the next life.

(WereHuman Conflict)

I've always found it pretty odd that when a person calls themself a Werecreature, they don't count "human" as an animal... you're only a "Were" if you have a non-human animal as a "were side".

Why is it that a person can have a wolf side, but not another human side? Are all humans identical?

To some, it may be a little redundant to say Werehuman, but to me, it might also mean that you have a duality... but the duality is human - human. It also allows for multiplicity... and for my calling myself a "Polywere".

Is "Were" along the lines of "transspecieal"? Are you a wolf inside and human on the outside, or is it a duality... that both exist within... seperate yet together?


Right.

This place is just full of "Weres" to answer that question.

Re: MS

Not to crash, but... your attitude will never cease to amaze me, J. I don't know that I could do anywhere near as well if it was me.

...In the pants... (g)

Well... I had been meaning to get into the whole "transspecieal" thing, but...

Hopefully I can get this out without seeming offensive...

(Again) It's often tough to put my thoughts into accurate words...

I agree that perhaps I should not use the word "always", but as well, I want to attempt to distinguish between someone who is "transsexual" and someone who is, for example, schizophrenic. Not that there isn't a such thing as a schizophrenic transsexual, but to me, there's a difference between someone who has a female brain and a stereotypically male body, and someone who has the temporary delusion that they're actually a female.

As well, to me, there's also a difference between seeing oneself as a female and seeing oneself as a woman. One is sex, and the other is gender. A male who sees oneself as a woman, but is completely comfortable with one's body... no, I'd not see that person as Intersexed. I'd see that person as a transgendered male.

I'm not up on the wording of the standards of care, but if it actually says "one always had the sense of wrong gender", I'd have to disagree. To me, it's about having the sense of wrong "sex". To me, transsexualism is about the body. Transgender is about gender role. If the body is fine, but the imposed role is wrong, then it's about the role... the gender assignment. The fact that people think that in order to be a woman, a person has to have certain parts, is pretty twisted... and, I think, a mentality which affects people in very negative ways. There's no reason that a woman should feel less of a woman if she loses a breast to cancer. There's no reason that a small penis should make a man feel less of a man. I think that people not being taught to separate sex from gender is something which does nothing but cause pain. To me, that surgery is recommended to men who enjoy lingerie, long hair, and getting their nails done is simply brutal... and it is sexist. Pink may be a feminine thing, but it is not a female thing.

That aside though, if a person desires to change their body in order to better express themself, that's all fine and good. There's nothing wrong with that... "My body, my choice". I just think that people should be made aware that the parts don't make the gender. To me, no matter what surgery a person gets or does not get, their gender does not change because of it. Gender may well change day to day, year to year, or hour to hour, and that's fine. I'll respect a person no matter what... but no matter what their gender does, it does not change a person's sex (in my book).

Maybe I fail to realize that as "gender" is a social construct, it does include things like body parts from time to time. Be that as it may, I'm part of society.... and I object.

...In the pants... (f) labels

I think that I understand what you're saying, Kr.... and I think that's what I'm saying.


I asked sk. to define what she means by "transsexual"... but I think that maybe I should have asked her to define "Intersex" instead.


I often have trouble putting my thoughts into words, because I do not understand the language of others enough to put my thoughts into their words.

Another problem is that, unlike sk., I see a lot of crossover with things. I can't keep things "strictly scientific", or "strictly spiritual", and often while attempting to explain a thought or theory, I trip over words which are supposed to be used only for one or the other.


I'll try, once more, to explain the way I see things/people.

On one level, everyone, with the exception of maybe one or two people whom I've never met, is transgendered and Intersexed. I don't see sex as polar, and gender is transient and subjective. There is no other way for me to explain the way people appear to me. I just cannot make my brain polarize the way it obviously should be able to, unless I sit and spend a long time forcing it to. My immediate reaction to people is to see them as people. Sex and gender take time for me to determine. However... respect is also something that is automatic for me. No matter how I see someone, I respect them in a way they would want me to. If I see a person, and that person identifies as "he", I call him "he". If I don't know, then I use clues. Most people express their preference in style of dress and modes of action. If people are naked, even body language can assist in this. Penis does not mean "he", and breasts do not mean "she". They're just body parts. I won't use gendered language if I have no clues.


Basically, when I affix labels to people in a situation where none have been offered to me for use by the person I'm talking about, but where one is necessary, I try to use the label I think the person would most want. Whether or not I see someone as Transgendered or Intersexed or anything else... I attempt to respect the person's wishes and refer to them in a manner which shows that respect.


If we're talking strictly science, I think that, because the brain is an organ, if a person feels that their body is the "wrong" sex, I would see that person as Intersexed. In the realm of science, sex is defined, as opposed to being seen as a continuum. If I attempt to see it that way, I include the brain as an organ, where as most do not, while determining a person's sex. Purely scientifically, if I had to determine what makes one a male, female, or intersexed person, I would include a person's "sex identity" as one of the factors, as well as using whatever research there is about size, shape, etc. of the brain. If a person has always felt that they were an "X" in the body of a "Y", I count that "X" as the "brain's sex".

Still scientifically,

I think that those transsexuals who have always felt that they were, for example, female, but something went horribly wrong with their body and they ended up looking male, are indeed Intersexed, even without HRT or surgeries, and even after HRT or surgery.

I think that those people who are Intersexed who have had the same experience (feeling that their body was "wrong") and have had to transition, are Transsexual.

Not scientifically,

We're all just people who pick the labels that best tell our own story, and we pick labels for others based on our own definitions and our own level of respect for that person, when none are given to us.

Me? I'm Intersexed, Transsexual, and I prefer masculine pronouns.


(11:27pm) addendum:

The reason why I tell people I'm Intersexed, and leave the "Transsexual" part out of it for a while is because in telling people who I am, I have to tell people I'm Intersexed in order to protect myself. (I really don't think that it's anyone's business, but unfortunately, I know the results of not saying anything) That little tidbit of information, if left unsaid, would have people accusing me of being a liar, and might potentially endanger my life if it came out at the wrong time. Telling people my life history is something else entirely. "Transsexual" has a history... it's an action along with a state of being. "Intersexed" is the current "condition" of my body, and not frequently interpreted as anything more.

Transsexual = I changed
Intersexed = I'm different

Hope this makes some sort of sense.

Letting you know

Just about everyone on this (my) board knows how I feel about lurkers.

I don't want lurkers in my section.

I'm tired of feeling like entertainment.

(just a rhetorical thought)

Do you think that people who are naturally shy and/or passive are like that because, in truth, in our human packs, we need "betas" and "omegas"?

I mean... do you think that it might actually be an inherent thing?
...that over the years, as humans evolved, because we came from a pack-like background, perhaps shyness, insecurity, etc. actually became something certain people are predisposed to... because betas and omegas actually served a vital purpose within the pack... a purpose as vital to survival of the species as the desire to reproduce?

...is it not possible that Betas and Omegas exist for a social reason, as opposed to being "weaker"... that those traits are not negative, but in fact vital and positive? ...that things like insecurity and shyness are actually inherent because of a need for Betas and Omegas, etc.?

(Were like me?)

I used to search for other "Weres"... now I just search for people who speak the same language as I do.

Whatever it is/was that I was/am looking for... whether or not they call themself "Were", "Vampire" or anything else... I just know.... because we speak the same language... and really... we don't need language at all while communicating with one another.

Highly recommended books

What are the top 3 books that you most often recommend people read?


1. The Celestine Prophecy - Redfield
2. The Way Of The Peaceful Warrior - Milman
3. The Apartheid Of Sex - Rothblatt

(The homogenization of America)

It's actually very sad. It's tough too... even boycotting places won't really change things at this point. We're dependent on one another to live... that's the way it has always been. It's the nature of the beast, so to speak. Some people take advantage of that dependence... and seek to make a profit. Because even the government does this, we're dependent upon "evil" people to survive.

If we all boycotted Walmart, every last person in the world, we'd have to go elsewhere to buy things. Because of this, someone else would get the money. With that money, "mom and pop" become the new Walmart.

We're never going to stop needing things. From food and clothing, to jobs and housing... we need one another to live. Even if we reject society and go off to live in a cave somewhere... there are still taxes to pay for the land you live on (unless someone is nice enough to let you stay there for free). That means you need a job... and clothing... and running water to bathe... and a home where you can store your clothing.... etc. etc. etc.

The "homogenization" was inevitable. The more people there are, the more money there is to be made by the few with the ability to make it.

When your life is in the hands of someone else, and that someone else is "evil" (greedy, etc), you become "homogenized". You become a number. YOU do not matter to them.

In the beginning, we thought that we were setting this place up to be run by one another. We'd share the wealth, the power, and the glory... and maintain our uniqueness. We were a group of persecuted, once homogenized, people who rebelled. We tried.

In a while though, we forgot what it was like to be persecuted, and started doing it to others. We forgot how to care for one another. We let "evil" take over. In ourselves... and consequently, in our society.

More more more.

(Thomas) Jefferson wept.

Mystic?

I'm SO glad that I got to talk with her tonight. I feel a lot better now... just knowing that she's (relatively speaking) ok.

Mystic (2)

I talked with Mystic for a while. She said that she's really been in a lot of pain and can't really manage sitting at her computer too well... but, she does plan on getting online as soon as she can.

The whole thing was, basically, her thinking she sent me the new number, but me having not recieved it. What was really throwing me off was that her old number still rings. Still don't know why that is... but I sure do hope they're not charging her for the line!

Mystic (1)

It's official, I'm now just about insane with worry.


Her e-mails are being returned because her mailbox is full, there's no answer when I try calling, and since the 24th, no one has been able to contact her.

(The difference between men and women?)

Because of my view, I cannot say that there's any difference between men and women.... however, there is a difference between people powered by testosterone and people powered by estrogen.

As someone who knows both sides of the scale, I can honestly say that neither side understands the other, unless they've been there themselves.

waaaaaaaaaaaah

Insomnia sucks shit.

(Spiders and Snakes)

Two of my tattoos - a Spider and a Snake.

Spider is the totem of writers... and snakes signify "transmutation".

Neither one is my "totem" animal, but I do identify with them and what they symbolize.

I don't kill spiders unless they're rather large and look like they're biters. I hate most bugs, and spiders eat them... so I don't mind the occasional roomie.

Snakes... a snake is a snake. I stay away from them. I don't hate them, but I don't have any reason to make friends with them either.

(always "the board")

There's a lot going on in my head about the board... not a lot of it is very nice.

I blew up, and the post count shot up over 100. Now, we're back to about 40, 3/4 of which are posts by the same half dozen or so people.

I can't help but want more members.... but as well, I don't want the hell of having to deal with the millions of "trolls" that will likely invade if I list the board.

To be honest, one of the ideas which is running through my head is sorting the board by member. Instead of "Societies" and "Animals" and "Religion", etc. it will be "FR" and "NJ" and "J", etc. Just turn over the sections to people. People post threads in their own section, and can reply wherever else people want replies. That way, people can choose whether or not they want their section passworded, whether or not they want replies, and who they want in there will be up to them (except for me, who will have access to everyone's sections). The way I see it, there are about 6 or 7 people that post the majority of the topics. I'll create sections for them, and for people who really want their own section, and then have an "everybody else" section that, although screened, will be open to everyone.

That will do a few things.

1. Allow me to open the board to new members
2. Send the message that (this board) is about people
3. Give more control to the people who deserve to have it.

I'm just really at a loss. The only thing that seems to wake the board up is my throwing a fit... and I don't like throwing fits.

...In the pants... (e) thinking yet more...

...I don't know that I would consider a pre-op/non-op transsexual woman to be "Intersexed", if they didn't consider their brain to be "female". Then... once you have Estrogen in your system in large amounts, I'd have to say that's "stereotypically" female... so I'd consider a non-op or pre-op transsexual "Intersexed" if they were doing HRT.

If a woman does not feel that part of her is female, and does not do the Estrogen thing, I may be wrong, but I'd have to go with Transgender, if that person is considered male or Intersexed.

When a person says "I'm trapped in the wrong body", that implies that they (their brain) is a different sex than the rest of their body. Unless it's a spiritual thing... and that's yet another can of worms.

...In the pants... (d) thinking more...

Sex           | Gender
Male         | Masculine (man)
Female      | Feminine (woman)
Intersexed | Androgynous (androgyne)


If we use the standard definitions, however wrong we know they are in theory, and Male = XY, Female = XX and Intersexed = XXY, that would make, for example, a Masculine Female, a Feminine Male, a Masculine Intersexed, or a Feminine Intersexed person, "transGENDERed". It would also make "Transsexual" impossible.


If we go with what we know to be true about sex (that it's more of a continuum), then we can use the term "Transsexual" and move vertically on the left hand side of the chart. Being that very few "Intersexed" people are raised "Intersexed", there is still motion on that side for them. This would make them "Transsexual". Too, being that at various points in transition, transsexuals are often Intersexed before and during settling into "male" or "female", that would make many Transsexuals "Intersexed".

In truth, I think that both "Intersexed" and "Transsexual" are social constructs, because I think that "sex" is a social construct... unless you determine sex solely by chromosomes. The second you bring more than one factor into determining sex, you cannot determine it. One thing that both terms have in common is that they assume 2 or 3 sexes, as opposed to a continuum. So, in essence, neither exist. Everyone is "Intersexed"... but the term isn't accurate. "Sex" doesn't even exist.

The problem is that with attempting to label something that doesn't really exist, all you have are labels (words). It takes people to define those labels by wearing them... and that makes them... social constructs.

The way I see it, you're "Transsexual" if you and/or OTHER PEOPLE once saw or still see you as a sex other than the sex you say you are. You are "Intersexed" if you and/or OTHER PEOPLE feel that you have stereotypical aspects of both/all recognized sexes (including chromosomes). That would make all Transsexuals "Intersexed", and (with the exception of maybe a handful) all Intersexed people, "Transsexual".

...In the pants... (c)

One of the main differences between the labels, from my experience, is that when you say "Transsexual" to someone, they think "Perverted freak", and when you say "Intersexed" they think "freak of nature".

The majority of people think that "Transsexuals" make a choice. Someone said that on another board once... that N. was making a choice.... and I completely lost it. True, I "lose it" pretty easily, but that's neither here nor there.

If the truth is that "Transsexuals" are people who choose to change their sex, then ok... there's a difference... but to the best of my knowledge, there's no "choice" involved. A "Transsexual" is trapped in the wrong body (so to speak). It's change it or get out. Does a Diabetic really have a choice with taking insulin? It's either take it or die! That's not a choice! Do we choose to breathe?

In "theory", if an XXY person is raised as either recognized sex/gender, they have to "transition" in order to be "who God made them". If you're a XXY person who is raised male, and feels comfortable that way, you're "sick". (No, I don't feel that way... I'm using "their" language.) It's the same thing as the parents of a stereotypical boy raising that person as a girl, but that stereotypical boy being ok with it. The person isn't a girl. That would make them a transsexual. The parents would also be arrested/chastised for abusing the child and scarring him for life. In the same light, an Intersexed person who is raised as either a boy or a girl would be a transsexual. They have the comfortable identity of X, but the body Y.

In my head, there is no such thing as a "transsexual" by the societal rule book... only Intersexed people and "transgender" people. At this point in time, it is medically impossible to change someone's sex (you can't change chromosomes). However, as with the term "feminist", "Transsexual" has taken on a meaning above and beyond that... and many of us do understand that the Y doesn't make the man anyway... and that neither does the penis or beard. So... it's either "there's no such thing as a Transsexual" or you have to go with the adopted meaning of the word.

With the adopted meaning, "Transsexual" usually refers to someone who goes through steps to change the initial on their ID, and who medically alters their body to resemble the stereotype of their sex/gender (until they run out of money), or who feels "trapped" in their own (wrong) body. In this, there certainly is a such thing as a "Transsexual". Thing is, to me, the brain is an organ, thereby making many who call themselves "Transsexual", "Intersexed"... at least before they change their body to their liking. The term "Intersexed" is based on the existence of 2 sexes... and the stereotypes of those sexes. That's not the same as "Transsexual" which is actually a word with an "adopted" meaning. The only way you can compare "Intersexed" to "Transsexual" is to compare both in the literal sense. If you do that... no one is "Transsexual", they're "Intersexed"

However... If an "Intersexed" person is only someone with XXY chromosomes, then only chromosomes determine sex.... and that has been (over and over again) determined to be false. So... "Intersexed" must also adopt a meaning. "Intersexed" means a person with stereotypical aspects of both sexes.

Being that "Transsexuals" have stereotypical parts of both recognized sexes, it would make them "Intersexed".

(my head is spinning. It's much easier to just think this stuff than to write it down in a way which makes sense to other people.)

As far as I can tell, all Transsexuals are Intersexed... but not all Intersexed people are Transsexuals. Some Intersexed people are just fine with their bodies... just fine being "both/all" sexes... but very few have been raised as such... making them, yup.... Transsexuals... because they have to transition to their own actual sex/gender (just as Transsexuals do) - ItFtI or ItMtI or MtI or FtI, or hide it from society in fear, etc.

"does it matter?"
To me it does. The brain is an organ... people give preference to things they can "see"... it's sort of like how people with physical disabilities are given sympathy/help/caring as opposed to the mentally disabled who get fear/abuse/stigmatized. That people do that, greatly affects my life. So... I bitch about it.


"we tend to be rather soundly trounced from a variety of quarters"

just call me a dime

...In the pants... (b)

Although I wanted to focus on the trans/intersexed thing, as opposed to my life... I do have to comment here...

I'm not a very cool person. I'm completely fucked up and non-functional. (I know quite a few people that would disagree with you.) My life wasn't confusing... it was abusive and traumatic. It's never been an issue of me being confused... it's been me attempting to explain myself to everyone else who was confused by me... and then attempting to protect myself from them.


anyway... I hope that last night's conversation will continue...

p.s. - thanks for the compliment though... I know that it was intended as such, and I appreciate it.

(Project Greek Island)

"Kinda makes you wonder what else they're hiding and how much they're spending."

I'm a "conspiracy theorist" of the worst kind. (I think it's a combination of intelligence and paranoia.) I think that there's a whole hell of a lot more going on "behind the scenes" than most people even dare suspect.

The way I see it though... there's not much I can do about it... and talking about it too much is not something I'd risk doing. I'm content talking about my suspicions every now and again, and letting people think that I'm just a paranoid lunatic. I'd never attempt to be taken too seriously.... people disappear for doing that.

...In the pants... (a)

ok... I'll address this here...

"IMO, If you are physically intersexed, you can not be a transsexual, at least as the terms are commonly used today."

I'm not too worried about common usage. That I know of, "Intersexed" means that you have physiological parts which are stereotypically attributed to both recognized sexes. I have both. I'm "Intersexed".

By the standards of many, "Transsexual" means that you were once labeled by the birth certificate/drivers ID people as one sex, and then you had to change it to the other in order to accurately represent you.

I'm, then, also a transsexual.

"An intersexed person by definition is not male or female, in a somatic or genetic sense they are somewhere in-between."

Yes, that would be me.

"From this standpoint, an intersexed person can not transition from male to female, or female to male. An intersexed person can be raised as one sex, and later decide to live as the other sex, but that would be a social transition, not a physical one."

Many of those people who identify as "Intersexed" and whom others identify as "Intersexed" have numerous surgeries, and do indeed have to change their IDs, etc.

"Even with surgery to alter the body, an intersexed person is moving from intersexed to male or female."

Disagree. Many Intersexed people "move" to a specific sex/gender, but, as well, many people who are declared a specific sex later declare themselves "Intersexed" with acquired knowledge and understanding of themselves.

"If it is every proven that transsexuality is caused by innate biological brain differentials, rather than by social construction, then transsexuals never really existed, transsexuals would also be intersexed."

THAT is a BIG ol' can o' worms.

IMHO

All "transsexuals" are Intersexed.

The brain is an organ. The chromosomes are part of what the "majority" use to declare "sex".

No one can ever go fully from one STEREOTYPICAL sex to another.

(12:52 AM)

I think that it has to do with a label.

"Trans" implies one thing. "Intersexed" another.


For example...

When I changed my name and my documents, my "dad-unit" had trouble... not because he had to shift from seeing me as a "she" to a "he"... but because he had to shift from seeing me as someone without a sex/gender to someone with one.

I've always been "Intersexed". Despite people attempting to see me as a female... it just wasn't possible. To the majority, I looked like a boy. (When my clothes were off, I still looked oddly masculine, but still... not "stereotypically" male.)

I'll always be "Intersexed". It's not just the parts, but also my life experiences.

With someone who does not choose "Intersexed" as a label... I'd see their experience as more... "I was an uncomfortable (man/woman boy/girl), but then I made some adjustments and was ok with my new chosen identity.


Technically... yes, I could say (as I have, above) that all Transsexuals are "Intersexed"... BUT... the reason why I identify primarily as "Intersexed", as opposed to "Transsexual" is because I've never (really) been one sex and gone to the other... other than on paper, and with people who could not accept that I was other than "female".

If you compared my experience to the average FtM's... we'd have very little in common (to say the least). Even when I involved myself in Trans events... everyone thought that I must have been a MtF. I just never really looked "female"... even to the "trained" eye.... and it wasn't just an issue of "passing". I've just always been... "me".... and who "me" is, is an "Intersexed" guy... not "male" or "female".

All that aside though... it does NOT negate that for many years, I was (attempted to be) socialized as a "female"... and that my body did "female" things and had "female" parts... even though today I am legally "male" with "both" parts.

I know what cramps, wearing mini-diapers, and bleeding all over yourself feels like...

That's not a stereotypical guy thing.

I'm 32 and I don't bleed. I don't get cramps. I also have a rather fluffy face and get a hard on from sneezing the wrong way.

That's a stereotypical guy thing.