Check Your Head

The only difference between paranoid delusion and prophetic vision is luck.

meow

I got a phone call today. One of my cat friends, Aubrey, is very sick. He's "going to sleep" on Saturday. I'll visit him tomorrow, even though a good part of me doesn't want to see him so ill. He's only about 9, but his liver is shot.

I've known Aubrey since he was a kitten. I'm closer to his brother, Aleister, but I do care for Aubrey a great deal. I'll miss him a lot, but I also feel badly for Aleister, who will most certainly feel the loss intensely. I'll have to see how he does. If he doesn't do well, I might take him in. I'm home more than the people he currently lives with. If it will help him, I'll just stock up on the allergy meds and deal. I'd completely fall apart if he has to suffer any more than I know he will because of his brother "going away".

Yes, I care for them as much, if not more than I care for most humans. They are my friends.

I don't like sad.

Sad sucks.

345pm012803

Years ago, I determined that the 3 most important things to me were my writing, my relationships, and my freedom. I have few relationships. I write a lot. Yay. Freedom? I'm not sure that being stuck in the burbs is freedom. True, it's a roof, and the doors are not locked... but they may as well be. I've become increasingly agoraphobic. I fear my neighbors. There's nowhere to go. Even the food store is too far away. It's often I go 3 or 4 days without leaving the apartment.

yeah

fuck you too


as if you give a shit


I'm tired of this crap.

(I'm stuck)

(a reply to a message board question)

I go through it often... the whole deer in headlights thing, I guess. Your brain gets overwhelmed somehow, and so you're left with no ability but the ability to see out of your eyes it seems... and even that seems distorted.

Sometimes I can push myself through after a few hours, other times I'm stuck in it for days. It's tough to explain to other people. You can compare it to writers block, but it's more than that. It gets to the point where you can't even manage to put on your shoes. All you can do is sit there, or stand there, or lay there. It's not depression. Inside the thoughts aren't depressed thoughts. It's more some strange sort of apathy that you can't seem to shake. The answers to all the questions come out "what's the point"? (I've dubbed this state of being, "the no points".)

I don't know if it's the same as what you're describing here, but it's what popped into my brain when you asked.

My advice? Try to ride it out, stay simple. If you can't do anything other than putting on your socks, pat yourself on the back. Contrary to what most people think, it's not easy to put your socks on. Your putting your socks on will take more energy than it takes for the "average" person to get through their day at work. It will pass eventually, just try to keep that in mind, and do what you can.

Cutter (profile)

I'm Cutter.
I was born in September of '69.
My hometown is Philly, PA
I'm currently trapped in the burbs, due to "illness" and poverty.
I'm prone to playing the devil's advocate.


You can be as racist, homophobic, sexist, or anything else, as you want, it's a free country... just don't expect me to keep my trap shut about it.

I am difficult to be friends with.

Brain Dead?

No matter how fast my mind races, I can't seem to write. I don't like that it's become so difficult for me to post lately.

It seems...

we're all sinking in
the same stinking rotting boat
hope that we can swim