944pm122004

Monday, December 20, 2004 9:44 PM EASTERN

I'm on the train, heading to (A2)'s.

ok... I broke. fucking sue me

Shit, it feels good to write again. I can't tell you how much I deleted. I'll forgive myself. I had my reasons.

My brain is a piece of Swiss cheese.

See?




I'm trying to survive. Fuck love. Fuck feeling. Fuck the fucking ether. I was closer to suicide than I've ever been.

Fuck you

Fuck you for making me feel guilty for saving myself.

Yes... I love you

Yes.. I hate you

YES.. I want to play croquet with your head and a sledgehammer.

THAT is why I left.


I don't know where home is... but I'm still trying.

1041am120304

It's been a long few days. I had an MRI done on the 29th, and got the results back the next afternoon, via phone. I do indeed have MS.

By the first, I was completely blind in my right eye when I got to the doctor to discuss the results, and was given my first IV steroid treatment. I now have some peripheral vision back. Today is the last of the 3 IVs, and then I move onto oral Prednisone.

The real kicker in all of this is that, apparently, I've had MS for, at least, the last 10 years. My repetitive cries of "There's something wrong with my brain!!!" were indeed dead on. There really is something wrong with my actual brain organ. Most of the damage is on the left side, and the corpus callosum is atrophied. I'd go into more detail, but frankly, even typing this much is challenging. So... a lot of the brain stuff was MS. Not that I didn't have mental/emotional shit going on concurrently, but things like the hypersensitivity to sound, constant fatigue, and getting lost while walking in a straight line were/are the MS. A lot of things are the MS.

My life. I really should write a book.