re - ~Time passes (5/2/04)

...or maybe it's that we're destined to live the same exact life over and over, until we get to the point of being able to let go of it when we die.

~The archives

I got rid of a lot of really good entries when I blew up my archives. That makes me sad. Maybe, in time, I'll re-post them. I don't know. It feels a little too much like "recycling" to me. True, I'm not re-posting to suck people into a trap. I dunno... Maybe, if I do re-post them, I'll make sure to post the original date. Maybe then it won't feel so off to me. It just sucks that my blog doesn't reflect as much of "me" as it should, given the time I actually put into it back in 2004.

It said somewhere that ~blog keeps your archives, if you're a paid (pro) user. Something tells me that's not the case though. I don't really know how to go about finding out either. I wouldn't mind them being restored. I think that I'm at a calmer point now. I think that a lot of the embarrassment has subsided.

---

Maybe I'll just repost some stuff. I'll be able to weed through it at the same time, that way.

~beyond annoyed

Again Again Again

I'd post more, but it takes 5,000 fucking YEARS to make this site work correctly.

grr grr grrrrrr!


I suppose, patience is not one of my virtues.

~grrr

I might be able to post more, if ~blog didn't take 10 years to load. It was mentioned that some people are "jumping ship". It's very tempting. With the little time I have to do this, I don't wan't to wait forever on pages to load, or rummage through trash when I want to read random blogs of others. (The increase in porn blogs is beyond bothersome. I don't want to pass judgement, but really, this is, indeed, getting ridiculous. I didn't think this was a porn site. I really don't want my blog at a porn site.) It's very frustrating. Pisses me off even more because I paid for this blog.

Next on the MS bandwagon (fin)

All the "cannabis" based drugs are still illegal here.

Had a BAD whack of "bonitits" last night, around my left elbow. I really do hate those. For me, they're different than the "bars"... more intense, and almost "hot". ... the kind of pain that makes you go crosseyed. The "bars" are more sudden, and they don't come and go like that bonitis seems to. The bonitis is slower than a pulsating throb, but still, pretty much, the same sort of thing. It comes and goes in the course of an hour or so. The pain does feel like it's in the bone though, as opposed to the bars, which seem to go through the muscle. Too, the bars seem to last longer, rather than a slow throb. It usually hurts for a while, and then once it stops, it just jumps to another place on the body.

I suddenly feel so damn silly attempting to explain this.

~oops

Guess I'll have the "pro" thing for another year. I forgot that it renews itself. Fuck me. You'd think I have holes in my brain or something.

~Tick Tick Tick

On top of everything else, is paying the damn medical bills. I'm doing a little better in the health coverage department, lately, but the bills from November and December are still poking at my ass regularly. (I'll be dealing with SHIT from the end of 2004 for a LONG time, but that's another entry.)

My Neurodude RXed me Inderal today. It's supposed to target my migraines and, most importantly (in "their" book), my high blood pressure. The tachycardia? Who knows? Who cares? I've lived with it for 20 years, I can handle it. Whatever.

Guess I'm having a "down" day.

If I ever have an "up" day, I'll let you know.

Next on the MS bandwagon (cont'd 8)

My legs don't really drag, they just collapse. The strength is there, but the message isn't getting to the place in the brain it needs to get. That's what the Neurologist says, anyway.

Got the pain and the fatigue, and I agree they suck. I call the pains "the bars", because it feels like someone is sticking an iron bar through parts of me, randomly. Then there are the migraines.

I figure I've got a couple more months before the next substantial flare. I can hope, anyway. The Tegretol they have me on is helping a little. The Valium occasionally helps too. I'm not really on anything else. They're trying to figure out what might work. I'm supposed to go have a sleep study done, to figure out what my brain is doing, or not doing... what exactly it is that has kept me from real sleep since forever ago. I don't look forward to it. Just thinking about the whole process is scaring me.

Such is life.

May I

I like this journal. It seems clean... untainted. The other blog was where I "met" the cunt who destroyed my life. Fine, I'll rephrase that... My trusting her was what directly led to my life to blowing up in my face. I'll not rephrase that she's a cunt though. That, she truly is.

I had a "flare up" in March. Spent some time in the hospital... some time in a wheelchair. I'm using a cane now. It'd be suave, if it wasn't so damn necessary.

It's May again. That's when the trouble started last year. I hope that this year I can, at least, hold onto what I have. I have a few boxes of stuff left, a roof and a bed (borrowed as that may be), and a little bit of unscarred brain which I can sometimes make work for me.

For the next 24 hours or so, I have to piss into a plastic jug, so that the docs can check my adrenals. This should be fun. Not.