must
get
sleep
Tuesday, September 30, 2003
Monday, September 29, 2003
(Freud)
Allow me to relate a story... and perhaps explain why I asked about your mother...
It's been about a year since I started with my current therapist. I've had really bad luck with shrinkydinks in the past, but with this one, I'm actually getting somewhere. It's been rough, but I've made a lot of progress... got to things that I didn't even know were there.
That brings me to Bondage and S/M. I've indulged in this sort of thing for quite a long time... and never really gave it a lot of thought. To me, S/M - B/D stuff is the norm. It's just another aspect of human sexuality that some people are into.
I started questioning things a bit though, during and after my last sexual relationship. (I think it was March or April.) True, I'd thought on things before, having to do with my violent sexual feelings towards women, and how my hatred for my mother might be at the root... but... I suppose the reality of it was just something I didn't want to focus on too much.
So, I was in my session talking about it... explaining how (basically) what I'm really into is humiliating women... that nothing turns me on more than that... and that makes me feel like a pretty twisted, bad, person.
so... what does she say?
Well, of course you are, that's what your mother did to you.
I thought I was going to have a heart attack.
She immediately realized that this had never occurred to me... and spent the rest of the session making sure that I was ok to leave. I left, but spent days in a suicidal haze.
This wasn't so much a "recovered memory" type thing as it was a realization... a really painful one... one that made me question my whole life... my individuality, my uniqueness, everything. All I had left was a love of sushi. Everything else... all of it, was nothing but a reflection of my parents... my whole life, nothing but a series of REactions.
So...
Tell me about your mother....
6:48 PM
I think that I understood this before... but it never quite clicked completely. Before, it was, "I hate my mother, so I'm taking it out on all women.", after, it was "I'm doing to my mother what she did to me... over and over again."
It just really split my brain open... realizing that everything that I considered to be an action, want, or desire of my own was actually just a REaction to what was done to me, or offered to me by my parents as a child. Everything was either to protect myself from them, or get them to love me.
I was left feeling about 2 inches tall... like nothing.
I don't know that S/M - B/D is all about that for everyone, but I do think that maybe it's something to look at if you indulge.
It's been about a year since I started with my current therapist. I've had really bad luck with shrinkydinks in the past, but with this one, I'm actually getting somewhere. It's been rough, but I've made a lot of progress... got to things that I didn't even know were there.
That brings me to Bondage and S/M. I've indulged in this sort of thing for quite a long time... and never really gave it a lot of thought. To me, S/M - B/D stuff is the norm. It's just another aspect of human sexuality that some people are into.
I started questioning things a bit though, during and after my last sexual relationship. (I think it was March or April.) True, I'd thought on things before, having to do with my violent sexual feelings towards women, and how my hatred for my mother might be at the root... but... I suppose the reality of it was just something I didn't want to focus on too much.
So, I was in my session talking about it... explaining how (basically) what I'm really into is humiliating women... that nothing turns me on more than that... and that makes me feel like a pretty twisted, bad, person.
so... what does she say?
Well, of course you are, that's what your mother did to you.
I thought I was going to have a heart attack.
She immediately realized that this had never occurred to me... and spent the rest of the session making sure that I was ok to leave. I left, but spent days in a suicidal haze.
This wasn't so much a "recovered memory" type thing as it was a realization... a really painful one... one that made me question my whole life... my individuality, my uniqueness, everything. All I had left was a love of sushi. Everything else... all of it, was nothing but a reflection of my parents... my whole life, nothing but a series of REactions.
So...
Tell me about your mother....
6:48 PM
I think that I understood this before... but it never quite clicked completely. Before, it was, "I hate my mother, so I'm taking it out on all women.", after, it was "I'm doing to my mother what she did to me... over and over again."
It just really split my brain open... realizing that everything that I considered to be an action, want, or desire of my own was actually just a REaction to what was done to me, or offered to me by my parents as a child. Everything was either to protect myself from them, or get them to love me.
I was left feeling about 2 inches tall... like nothing.
I don't know that S/M - B/D is all about that for everyone, but I do think that maybe it's something to look at if you indulge.
Sunday, September 28, 2003
Question for the resident Weres (II)
Maybe it's part of the whole "Were" thing... maybe it's being empathic... maybe it's paranoia... don't know. Not sure if it matters either.
I suppose the reason why I posed this question in the first place is because I've always had the feeling that most of what are called "packs" have felt like cliques to me... especially online. From unexplained inside jokes, to words only they understand, to the "silent treatment", to gossip, to back stabbing... it is rather adolescent.
Then, pack dynamics are often similar. "Outsiders" are often growled at... hierarchies are set and when you show up challenging them, you get your ass bit. Sometimes members of one pack wander off and find a new pack. Sometimes they start one of their own. Sometimes members are chased off. Pissing on trees attempting to expand one's territory is normal.
So, why is it that these "packs" feel like cliques to me?
I guess I'm just trying to put my finger on it.
I suppose the reason why I posed this question in the first place is because I've always had the feeling that most of what are called "packs" have felt like cliques to me... especially online. From unexplained inside jokes, to words only they understand, to the "silent treatment", to gossip, to back stabbing... it is rather adolescent.
Then, pack dynamics are often similar. "Outsiders" are often growled at... hierarchies are set and when you show up challenging them, you get your ass bit. Sometimes members of one pack wander off and find a new pack. Sometimes they start one of their own. Sometimes members are chased off. Pissing on trees attempting to expand one's territory is normal.
So, why is it that these "packs" feel like cliques to me?
I guess I'm just trying to put my finger on it.
(smashing my brains out on the past)
The past is vital... it is who we are. You can't forget the past, it's always there. Learning from it is how we move forward with style.
In order to learn, you can't block it out.
The past is vital.
No, don't get stuck there. It's not good to let your past hold you back... to let your "style" become one of fear, but blocking out the past is just as damning as getting stuck in it.
You may think that your "poor little rich kid" past is of no consequence, but I dare say there are many "poor little rich kids" alive today that might benefit from being able to identify with someone. Your pain is/was your pain. It doesn't hurt any more or any less because of someone else's pain.
My monster used to say, "If your feet are cold, just think about the poor guy without feet."
...and that warms my feet up, how?
Art is turning mole hills into mountains.
In order to learn, you can't block it out.
The past is vital.
No, don't get stuck there. It's not good to let your past hold you back... to let your "style" become one of fear, but blocking out the past is just as damning as getting stuck in it.
You may think that your "poor little rich kid" past is of no consequence, but I dare say there are many "poor little rich kids" alive today that might benefit from being able to identify with someone. Your pain is/was your pain. It doesn't hurt any more or any less because of someone else's pain.
My monster used to say, "If your feet are cold, just think about the poor guy without feet."
...and that warms my feet up, how?
Art is turning mole hills into mountains.
(The result of) The Library
...reading the posts from first to last...
Pretty fucking incredible.
Brains are very tasty.
Pretty fucking incredible.
Brains are very tasty.
Saturday, September 27, 2003
(temper temper?)
Please don't quote me unless you can direct people, including myself, to where I said it. Unlike you(?), when I say things to people, sometimes I intend for them to be for their ears alone. We all speak different languages, and what I say to one person might not be what I would say to a group, or to another person, in order to make the same point... and there's also the issue of context...
Question for the resident Weres (I)
In your opinion, what are the primary differences between a "clique" and a "pack"?
In your experience, are most groups of "Weres" in fact, cliques? Does this apply only to online packs?
A thought: A clique doesn't usually refer to themselves as a "clique". Usually, they say they're "friends". I think that "clique" is a term used to describe others. You'd not look at a group of people and call them a "pack"... unless they self identified as such.
I think that perhaps the difference is in the members... I honestly think that a "Were's" sense of family is much different than a non-Were. A person (non-Were) in a clique would put their family first, their friends second. Weres put pack first because their pack is their family. (Am I off in this belief?)
This leads to my wondering how online packs can exist. Without physical, face to face, interaction, how can things like "dominance" be established and/or maintained? How can one "be there" for their pack mates if they are (in many cases) hundreds of miles away? Other than being "exclusive" on websites, which is rather clique-like, how does an online "pack" distinguish itself? How does this behavior cause other people to not see them as simply a clique?
starting to ramble...
stopping here
In your experience, are most groups of "Weres" in fact, cliques? Does this apply only to online packs?
A thought: A clique doesn't usually refer to themselves as a "clique". Usually, they say they're "friends". I think that "clique" is a term used to describe others. You'd not look at a group of people and call them a "pack"... unless they self identified as such.
I think that perhaps the difference is in the members... I honestly think that a "Were's" sense of family is much different than a non-Were. A person (non-Were) in a clique would put their family first, their friends second. Weres put pack first because their pack is their family. (Am I off in this belief?)
This leads to my wondering how online packs can exist. Without physical, face to face, interaction, how can things like "dominance" be established and/or maintained? How can one "be there" for their pack mates if they are (in many cases) hundreds of miles away? Other than being "exclusive" on websites, which is rather clique-like, how does an online "pack" distinguish itself? How does this behavior cause other people to not see them as simply a clique?
starting to ramble...
stopping here
(less than?)
It's funny... out of the whole article, this is what made me stop and raise a brow:
Quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After the bear left with its cub, Heil-Smith found the phone and dialed 911. When paramedics arrived, they found her cleaning blood off the floor.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
IT!?!
grrrrrrr
that really irks me.
hyperanalytical, as always, I suppose.
Quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After the bear left with its cub, Heil-Smith found the phone and dialed 911. When paramedics arrived, they found her cleaning blood off the floor.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
IT!?!
grrrrrrr
that really irks me.
hyperanalytical, as always, I suppose.
Friday, September 26, 2003
Dragon Con 2004 (w/A2 - 5)
It is 339 days, 19 hours, 27 minutes and 46 seconds until August 31, 2004, at 3:43:00 PM
(Something I can never have....) II
The best way to find someone who likes you for who you are, is to actually be who you are.
Stop looking.
Let her find you.
Stop looking.
Let her find you.
Show your colors (2)
ooooo.... Satanist... forgot that one.
The way I'm thinking about these is...
If you were to come to a board and read that someone is a (fill in the blank), you might be inclined to check them out for potential bonding, based on the fact that you too either are or have been called that too.
The way I'm thinking about these is...
If you were to come to a board and read that someone is a (fill in the blank), you might be inclined to check them out for potential bonding, based on the fact that you too either are or have been called that too.
(alcohol - 4)
...I got this disorder thing.... Blacking out is sort of part of my life.
Blackouts don't scare me... but they do make me worry. From what I've been told, I'm not very nice.. at least, part of me, or one of me isn't. ("Drunk Asshole" was the term last used.) I don't like that I'm not nice.
Blackouts don't scare me... but they do make me worry. From what I've been told, I'm not very nice.. at least, part of me, or one of me isn't. ("Drunk Asshole" was the term last used.) I don't like that I'm not nice.
Thursday, September 25, 2003
(alcohol - 3)
your head and belly wasnt very pleased with you then?
It was more my head. My stomach did (surprisingly) ok.
I went from drunk, to blacked out, to passed out. By blacked out I mean that I was still awake and doing things, but I have very little knowledge of what that was. I passed out when I got (or, I should say), after someone got me home.
It was more my head. My stomach did (surprisingly) ok.
I went from drunk, to blacked out, to passed out. By blacked out I mean that I was still awake and doing things, but I have very little knowledge of what that was. I passed out when I got (or, I should say), after someone got me home.
Question for long-time members (2)
I was thinking...
What I might do (if I get a few more nods) is post the threads slowly (I'll edit them first, deleting posts which I know need to be deleted). That way if anyone has a problem with anything I'll be able to take care of it.
There's some really cool stuff in there... some sad, some inspirational, some good brain food... good stuff.
What I might do (if I get a few more nods) is post the threads slowly (I'll edit them first, deleting posts which I know need to be deleted). That way if anyone has a problem with anything I'll be able to take care of it.
There's some really cool stuff in there... some sad, some inspirational, some good brain food... good stuff.
(alcohol - 2)
To get me (pass out) drunk:
1 large Sake
1 small Sake
@6 shots of Captain Morgan's Spiced Rum
3 cans of Coors Light
3 Kamikazes
4 bottles of Corona
(consume in about 6 hours after one meal that day)
Doesn't make for a very Happy Birthday
1 large Sake
1 small Sake
@6 shots of Captain Morgan's Spiced Rum
3 cans of Coors Light
3 Kamikazes
4 bottles of Corona
(consume in about 6 hours after one meal that day)
Doesn't make for a very Happy Birthday
(Something I can never have....) I
Be careful what you wish for.
The price you pay for getting everything you always wanted is the fear of losing it.
just something to chew on.
The price you pay for getting everything you always wanted is the fear of losing it.
just something to chew on.
Wednesday, September 24, 2003
Question for long-time members (1)
I'm thinking of constructing a library (for reading only) from the archives. Could you please let me know here if you have any objections to having your older posts viewed?
I do plan on taking people's privacy into consideration. I think know a bit about you people and I like to think I know what you might like kept private. That said though, please let me know what you are ok with.
9/25/2003 12:05 AM
I'm not 100% sure yet that I'm going to do it, it's just an idea.
9/25/2003 09:28 AM
Bloody Dude, I'm talking about posts from before I closed this board down, a year ago. No worries.
N., no posts on the board can be searched up on Google or any other search engine. We're still a private board in that respect. Only members or people who the link was passed to from a member can read posts here.
Anything that was originally posted in a "private" section I'd not post for others to read. I'm still thinking on whether or not to let "incidental" type posts by members that are no longer here be included. In some of the threads (some of the really good ones!) ex-members said things that contributed to the conversation to the point of the conversation making no sense if those posts are deleted.
Whatever I decide to do, I'm not thinking about doing this to be malicious. It's more for our enjoyment, and for the benefit of the newer members. Too, there's a lot we talked about in the past that I'm sure we don't want to have to post again. (There was a really good thread on psy-vamping and thread crashing that I'd love to repost, if I can find it!)
I do plan on taking people's privacy into consideration. I think know a bit about you people and I like to think I know what you might like kept private. That said though, please let me know what you are ok with.
9/25/2003 12:05 AM
I'm not 100% sure yet that I'm going to do it, it's just an idea.
9/25/2003 09:28 AM
Bloody Dude, I'm talking about posts from before I closed this board down, a year ago. No worries.
N., no posts on the board can be searched up on Google or any other search engine. We're still a private board in that respect. Only members or people who the link was passed to from a member can read posts here.
Anything that was originally posted in a "private" section I'd not post for others to read. I'm still thinking on whether or not to let "incidental" type posts by members that are no longer here be included. In some of the threads (some of the really good ones!) ex-members said things that contributed to the conversation to the point of the conversation making no sense if those posts are deleted.
Whatever I decide to do, I'm not thinking about doing this to be malicious. It's more for our enjoyment, and for the benefit of the newer members. Too, there's a lot we talked about in the past that I'm sure we don't want to have to post again. (There was a really good thread on psy-vamping and thread crashing that I'd love to repost, if I can find it!)
Dragon Con 2004 (w/A2 - 4)
The latest (deluxe) prices:
Rail Fare = $400
Hotel = $600
on train = $80 (drinks and tip)
Con ticket = $60
Room stock = $50
Cabs and Tips (hotel) = $35
Food = $500
Gifts = $200
Emergencies (cab fare to/from Trenton?) = $100
Total = $2025
I'm still determined.
Rail Fare = $400
Hotel = $600
on train = $80 (drinks and tip)
Con ticket = $60
Room stock = $50
Cabs and Tips (hotel) = $35
Food = $500
Gifts = $200
Emergencies (cab fare to/from Trenton?) = $100
Total = $2025
I'm still determined.
(Call me on the line...) 2
I'm getting used to using my name online. I'm not 100% comfortable yet though. I still post on another board using a screen name.
Maybe I should start thinking about doing something about that.
Maybe I should start thinking about doing something about that.
(Star Trek?)
I'm a Next Generation fan. The originals were great... when I was a kid. Voyager was alright. I never watched DS9... I saw maybe 2 episodes total. I think I saw the premiere of Enterprise, but I can't get past the whole Scott thing. I am/was a BIG fan of Quantum Leap.
They really need to do a Data movie. I think that Data needs to decide to experience what it is like to be human by creating (and moving to) a body that ages. It's either that or the movies have to stop. There's only so much make up a person can wear and still be convincing.
7:24pm
(oops) Now that you mention it, Data did die, didn't he... but... I dunno, I think that it could be worked with... just like computers have back-up/restore disks...
They really need to do a Data movie. I think that Data needs to decide to experience what it is like to be human by creating (and moving to) a body that ages. It's either that or the movies have to stop. There's only so much make up a person can wear and still be convincing.
7:24pm
(oops) Now that you mention it, Data did die, didn't he... but... I dunno, I think that it could be worked with... just like computers have back-up/restore disks...
Monday, September 22, 2003
Show your colors (1)
(Q:) Which labels have adhered to or are currently sticking to you?
- I think I was shooting more for "subculture" types of things here, Nva... not name calling types of things, or character descriptions.... things that we sometimes deny in the wrong company, and sometimes are proud of amongst the right people. Things that a stranger coming by this board might say "Cool! Another (fill in the blank)!" to.
(A:)
Anorexic/Underweight (when I was about 16)
Bisexual (until I discovered what "pansexual" meant)
Boy (called that until I was at least 25)
Christian (occasionally, tenet-wise)
Disabled (legally - DID/PTSD)
Dominant ((I mean this sexually.) Primarily, yes.)
Female (That's what the birth cert. once said)
Freak (yup.)
FtM (By some people's standards)
Girl (My mother tried to make me one)
Goth (Vampire 'n proud since 1983)
Guy (yup.)
Hardcore (yup.)
Heterosexual (Once, for about a second.)
Homosexual (Thought I was for a while.)
Intersexed (I got parts of both.)
Jewish (technically no, but raised that way for quite a while)
Jock (until I discovered that being "bad" was much more my style (about age 12))
Lesbian (thought I was once)
Male (legally, yup.)
Man (eew. I guess so.)
Mentally Ill (By law)
Otherkin (Some would call me that)
Overweight (yup. working on that.)
Pagan (yes indeedily doodley)
Pansexual (Gotta love those pans!)
Priest (yes. Pagan)
Punk (we preferred "Hardcore", but, yes.)
Queer (that I be.)
Self Mutilator (very much so)
Straight (see Hetero)
Submissive (I bottomed once.)
Transsexual (By many people's definition)
Transgender (By many people's definition)
Vampire (Drinkin' blood as long as I can remember. mmmm... tasteeee)
Were (that I be.)
Werewolf (Polywere... but very often, wolf)
Wiccan (For quite a while.)
Witch (yup)
Woman (Some tried to call me that. Didn't work out well.)
I'm sure that there's still some I missed.
(09/22/03 02:18 PM)
hmmm.... I guess there's
Artist
Writer
Poet
Musician
Anal Retentive
Obsessive/Compulsive
Intelligent
Homeless
Runaway
Delinquent
Inpatient
Borderline
Gender Dysphoric
Student
American
Bohemian
It's amazing how many labels can stick or once did... how many different areas we can relate to people on... is that what is called "well rounded"?
I do suppose that this is what I was attempting to get at when I asked the other question, trying to get at what we consider to be either unique or different about who we are.
(09/22/03 07:33 PM)
Alcoholic
Drug Addict
Beerwolf?
conveniently forgot those
hypersensitive... I'd go with that one too.
oh yeah, I almost forgot...
Dragon.
Sadist
Masochist
Empathic
Homicidal
Suicidal
(I keep thinking of more)
- I think I was shooting more for "subculture" types of things here, Nva... not name calling types of things, or character descriptions.... things that we sometimes deny in the wrong company, and sometimes are proud of amongst the right people. Things that a stranger coming by this board might say "Cool! Another (fill in the blank)!" to.
(A:)
Anorexic/Underweight (when I was about 16)
Bisexual (until I discovered what "pansexual" meant)
Boy (called that until I was at least 25)
Christian (occasionally, tenet-wise)
Disabled (legally - DID/PTSD)
Dominant ((I mean this sexually.) Primarily, yes.)
Female (That's what the birth cert. once said)
Freak (yup.)
FtM (By some people's standards)
Girl (My mother tried to make me one)
Goth (Vampire 'n proud since 1983)
Guy (yup.)
Hardcore (yup.)
Heterosexual (Once, for about a second.)
Homosexual (Thought I was for a while.)
Intersexed (I got parts of both.)
Jewish (technically no, but raised that way for quite a while)
Jock (until I discovered that being "bad" was much more my style (about age 12))
Lesbian (thought I was once)
Male (legally, yup.)
Man (eew. I guess so.)
Mentally Ill (By law)
Otherkin (Some would call me that)
Overweight (yup. working on that.)
Pagan (yes indeedily doodley)
Pansexual (Gotta love those pans!)
Priest (yes. Pagan)
Punk (we preferred "Hardcore", but, yes.)
Queer (that I be.)
Self Mutilator (very much so)
Straight (see Hetero)
Submissive (I bottomed once.)
Transsexual (By many people's definition)
Transgender (By many people's definition)
Vampire (Drinkin' blood as long as I can remember. mmmm... tasteeee)
Were (that I be.)
Werewolf (Polywere... but very often, wolf)
Wiccan (For quite a while.)
Witch (yup)
Woman (Some tried to call me that. Didn't work out well.)
I'm sure that there's still some I missed.
(09/22/03 02:18 PM)
hmmm.... I guess there's
Artist
Writer
Poet
Musician
Anal Retentive
Obsessive/Compulsive
Intelligent
Homeless
Runaway
Delinquent
Inpatient
Borderline
Gender Dysphoric
Student
American
Bohemian
It's amazing how many labels can stick or once did... how many different areas we can relate to people on... is that what is called "well rounded"?
I do suppose that this is what I was attempting to get at when I asked the other question, trying to get at what we consider to be either unique or different about who we are.
(09/22/03 07:33 PM)
Alcoholic
Drug Addict
Beerwolf?
conveniently forgot those
hypersensitive... I'd go with that one too.
oh yeah, I almost forgot...
Dragon.
Sadist
Masochist
Empathic
Homicidal
Suicidal
(I keep thinking of more)
Sunday, September 21, 2003
not dead yet
Well, I made it through another year. This one ranks up there with the worst of them. ...but I made it.
I don't like living this way. I live in seclusion. It's been about 5 years now that I've been living like this.
In '98 I "left home". I moved out of the city (for the most part) to escape a cocaine habit that nearly killed me.
I thought that I was going to turn over a new leaf and everything was going to be ok. I tried to work. Mistake. That was really stupid. Then I went online. Good and bad. It kept me going, but made it very easy to escape the world.
One thing leads to another.
At the beginning of this road, the end of the last one is a cocaine haze. Now here I am... where I don't belong.
I want to get rid of everything I own and rent a room somewhere back home. Home is Philadelphia. Home is not Bumfuck, PA.
A long time ago, I named my journal "The Lost Pigeon Project".
They say home is where the heart is... but what if your heart doesn't work right? Home used to be wherever I laid my leather jacket. Then I met L., and that all changed.
Problem is, although I'm still clinging to L., she long ago stopped clinging to me. We're two very different people now. Her world is not a world I belong in.
Where do I belong? I don't know exactly, but it's not in the world of Go-Go bars and motorcycles. It's not in cocaine land either.
Some days it feels like it's not anywhere on this planet.
Life has become very quiet. I see my brother every week or so, talk to A2 on the phone, go to my shrink, talk to L. about once a month, and post.
I keep the tv on a lot.
I don't know how to interact with people anymore.
I'm not good at pretending to be a little straight dude.
I'm "queer" in the pure sense of the word. Odd. Different.
I can't pretend... and that's what it takes for me to be a part of the mainstream. I have to fake it... or hide.
I'm in the closet. That's what my life has become. A life lived inside of a closet.
When I drink I fall out of the closet, and then it gets dangerous. My actions are deemed "inappropriate".
Of course they're inappropriate, I'm shit faced and I'm somewhere I don't want to be!
That was the step I took the other night. Rather than staying where I didn't want to be, I left. Left the safety of L. and started walking through bumfuck. It didn't matter. I'd rather be dead than keep faking it.
Now I don't know.
Would I rather be dead than without L.?
I don't want to live Dragon Con to Dragon Con. I want Dragon Con every day! I want to not have to fear being a freak all the time.
I want to go home.
I don't like living this way. I live in seclusion. It's been about 5 years now that I've been living like this.
In '98 I "left home". I moved out of the city (for the most part) to escape a cocaine habit that nearly killed me.
I thought that I was going to turn over a new leaf and everything was going to be ok. I tried to work. Mistake. That was really stupid. Then I went online. Good and bad. It kept me going, but made it very easy to escape the world.
One thing leads to another.
At the beginning of this road, the end of the last one is a cocaine haze. Now here I am... where I don't belong.
I want to get rid of everything I own and rent a room somewhere back home. Home is Philadelphia. Home is not Bumfuck, PA.
A long time ago, I named my journal "The Lost Pigeon Project".
They say home is where the heart is... but what if your heart doesn't work right? Home used to be wherever I laid my leather jacket. Then I met L., and that all changed.
Problem is, although I'm still clinging to L., she long ago stopped clinging to me. We're two very different people now. Her world is not a world I belong in.
Where do I belong? I don't know exactly, but it's not in the world of Go-Go bars and motorcycles. It's not in cocaine land either.
Some days it feels like it's not anywhere on this planet.
Life has become very quiet. I see my brother every week or so, talk to A2 on the phone, go to my shrink, talk to L. about once a month, and post.
I keep the tv on a lot.
I don't know how to interact with people anymore.
I'm not good at pretending to be a little straight dude.
I'm "queer" in the pure sense of the word. Odd. Different.
I can't pretend... and that's what it takes for me to be a part of the mainstream. I have to fake it... or hide.
I'm in the closet. That's what my life has become. A life lived inside of a closet.
When I drink I fall out of the closet, and then it gets dangerous. My actions are deemed "inappropriate".
Of course they're inappropriate, I'm shit faced and I'm somewhere I don't want to be!
That was the step I took the other night. Rather than staying where I didn't want to be, I left. Left the safety of L. and started walking through bumfuck. It didn't matter. I'd rather be dead than keep faking it.
Now I don't know.
Would I rather be dead than without L.?
I don't want to live Dragon Con to Dragon Con. I want Dragon Con every day! I want to not have to fear being a freak all the time.
I want to go home.
Saturday, September 20, 2003
(for the b-day wishes....)
Thanks everyone.
My birthday was horrible, as it is every year. I'm kind of proud of myself though, I walked away from a bad situation. Given, I should not have been in the situation in the first place, but I did put my foot down, in a way.
Now all I have to do is clean up the mess.
6:30 PM
In truth
I fucked up. Bad.
11:38 PM
Guilt and shame
I feel like shit.
My birthday was horrible, as it is every year. I'm kind of proud of myself though, I walked away from a bad situation. Given, I should not have been in the situation in the first place, but I did put my foot down, in a way.
Now all I have to do is clean up the mess.
6:30 PM
In truth
I fucked up. Bad.
11:38 PM
Guilt and shame
I feel like shit.
Friday, September 19, 2003
(Vampires on my board?)
Just so you know, if it hasn't been mentioned before, most of us met about 3 - 4 years ago... on a Vampire site. Some of us are in the "fan" category, and some of us consider ourselves Vampires (yes, as in the "Real" variety).
Thursday, September 18, 2003
(and time passed)
807a091803
Was up until about 2 or so.
807a091903
fucking asshole neighbors
7:30 in the fucking morning
Was up until about 2 or so.
807a091903
fucking asshole neighbors
7:30 in the fucking morning
(Movie Ticket - 2)
I'm really worried about "Underworld". It was tough enough on the net because of Buffy and VTM. I'm predicting hoardes of Vampires and Weres popping up all over the place.
So far, the only label that I've not ripped off of myself because of this little internet excursion of mine is "Freak".
FREAKS UNITE!
So far, the only label that I've not ripped off of myself because of this little internet excursion of mine is "Freak".
FREAKS UNITE!
Tuesday, September 16, 2003
(Time passed.)
354pm091603
Head is racing.
Going to try to work out, shower, and eat.
1202a091703
...
damned messy head
8:04pm
I feel really tired. Probably going to try to get to bed early.
___________________________
11:21pm
Can't sleep.
Gonna drink a couple more beers and then try again.
That show was annoying. I couldn't hear anything. The background music was too loud.
Head is racing.
Going to try to work out, shower, and eat.
1202a091703
...
damned messy head
8:04pm
I feel really tired. Probably going to try to get to bed early.
___________________________
11:21pm
Can't sleep.
Gonna drink a couple more beers and then try again.
That show was annoying. I couldn't hear anything. The background music was too loud.
Monday, September 15, 2003
DC2K4 (IV)
I'd hope that in the course of a year we can manage to solidify things in so far as a plan is concerned.
My guess is that next year, same as this year, we're not going to want to use our room as a hang out spot unless it's pre-planned.
My guess is that next year, same as this year, we're not going to want to use our room as a hang out spot unless it's pre-planned.
Crack Fairies, Twinkies and Noodleheads (3)
No .. it definitely isn't an easy thing to do ... and in my past experience ... turning the other cheek only lent the opportunity to have it smacked as well as the other one.
That's been my experience as well... although I obviously haven't learned my lesson from it. It seems that I spend most of my time attempting to turn the other cheek and getting it slapped. (I sometimes refer to that as a "long fuse".)
In many ways, reopening the board was "turning the other cheek".
That's been my experience as well... although I obviously haven't learned my lesson from it. It seems that I spend most of my time attempting to turn the other cheek and getting it slapped. (I sometimes refer to that as a "long fuse".)
In many ways, reopening the board was "turning the other cheek".
Sunday, September 14, 2003
(Movie Ticket - 1)
I see many movies... on cable. :\
I'll keep an eye out for "Identity".
Watched a really good movie called "The Believer" on Sundance last night. Highly recommend it. (thumbs up)
I'll keep an eye out for "Identity".
Watched a really good movie called "The Believer" on Sundance last night. Highly recommend it. (thumbs up)
Crack Fairies, Twinkies and Noodleheads (2)
It's not so much about what YOU could put up with in THEIR place...but if they can put up with it, and if you care.
The "if you care" part is rather essential... however... to take this to a rather religious playground...
I believe it may be slightly motivated by that which has been dubbed "vengeance". Now we're into the realm of "sin"... and perhaps at the core of why "vengeance" is seen as one.
When I call A. "crack fairy" it's motivated not only by the fact that I once compared her to a fairy on crack and got a laugh from doing so, but by the fact that A. hurt me. The same with I2. It's my reaction to someone I trusted who "turned on me"... about my (perhaps sinful, perhaps not) desire for vengeance.
If I don't like the person, or care about them to begin with, they can't hurt me in that way... so, no "name calling" reaction.
Thinking about it this way... it's perhaps all about the ability to "turn the other cheek".
...not an easy thing to do.
The "if you care" part is rather essential... however... to take this to a rather religious playground...
I believe it may be slightly motivated by that which has been dubbed "vengeance". Now we're into the realm of "sin"... and perhaps at the core of why "vengeance" is seen as one.
When I call A. "crack fairy" it's motivated not only by the fact that I once compared her to a fairy on crack and got a laugh from doing so, but by the fact that A. hurt me. The same with I2. It's my reaction to someone I trusted who "turned on me"... about my (perhaps sinful, perhaps not) desire for vengeance.
If I don't like the person, or care about them to begin with, they can't hurt me in that way... so, no "name calling" reaction.
Thinking about it this way... it's perhaps all about the ability to "turn the other cheek".
...not an easy thing to do.
Saturday, September 13, 2003
Down The Drain
Doing my laundry... finally.
I can afford to do 4 of the 5 loads. I'm out of quarters after that though.
Dropping in the clothes from Dragon Con... made me feel sad.
Wish that every day was like Dragon Con... friends around, no one scared to be "different", no worries about things like bills, work, laundry...obligations.
wonder why life isn't like that
Who was it who decided that life had to suck? that life had to be WORK. Why does it have to be work? Why is suffering the main component in most people's lives? Why are only the "elite" entitled to have Dragon Con every day?
Can't we share? Can't everyone have equal parts Dragon Con and suffering? Maybe it could be arranged that we only suffer every other day?
WHY NOT?!?!?!
I can afford to do 4 of the 5 loads. I'm out of quarters after that though.
Dropping in the clothes from Dragon Con... made me feel sad.
Wish that every day was like Dragon Con... friends around, no one scared to be "different", no worries about things like bills, work, laundry...obligations.
wonder why life isn't like that
Who was it who decided that life had to suck? that life had to be WORK. Why does it have to be work? Why is suffering the main component in most people's lives? Why are only the "elite" entitled to have Dragon Con every day?
Can't we share? Can't everyone have equal parts Dragon Con and suffering? Maybe it could be arranged that we only suffer every other day?
WHY NOT?!?!?!
Crack Fairies, Twinkies and Noodleheads
I was thinking about this the other day...
I asked myself if I'd call A. a "Crack Fairy" to her face... or if I'd call I2 a "Twinkie" (or even Oprah, for that matter).
I came to the conclusion that I probably would.
Thing is, it's not done with acid and fire. It's more along the lines of, "I don't get you, so I've come up with a name that expresses that." I realized that the people I have real issues with... I don't have names for them.
In truth, with people I truly despise... there's nothing funny about it. I don't have the least bit of space for a chuckle. In calling someone a "fluff head", it might carry a bit of displeasure, but it's still riding the line of "cute". It's something that, although indicative of "I don't get you", can also be said while mussing someone's hair.
I suppose that these names are some sort of feeble attempt at masking my frustration. Rather than cry, I try to laugh.
I don't know. I just found it interesting when I realized that. I was thinking about whether or not it was "mean" to engage in what can surely be perceived as name calling. I don't know that I've come to any conclusion. It's an interesting thing to think on though, for me... another thing to analyze about myself and my habits.
I asked myself if I'd call A. a "Crack Fairy" to her face... or if I'd call I2 a "Twinkie" (or even Oprah, for that matter).
I came to the conclusion that I probably would.
Thing is, it's not done with acid and fire. It's more along the lines of, "I don't get you, so I've come up with a name that expresses that." I realized that the people I have real issues with... I don't have names for them.
In truth, with people I truly despise... there's nothing funny about it. I don't have the least bit of space for a chuckle. In calling someone a "fluff head", it might carry a bit of displeasure, but it's still riding the line of "cute". It's something that, although indicative of "I don't get you", can also be said while mussing someone's hair.
I suppose that these names are some sort of feeble attempt at masking my frustration. Rather than cry, I try to laugh.
I don't know. I just found it interesting when I realized that. I was thinking about whether or not it was "mean" to engage in what can surely be perceived as name calling. I don't know that I've come to any conclusion. It's an interesting thing to think on though, for me... another thing to analyze about myself and my habits.
DC2K4 (III)
I really hope that everyone can make it.
Yes, J2... it's about time! It's almost 4 years, by then it'll be almost 5 that we've "known" one another. It's odd when I think of it that way... I've known many here longer than I knew the majority of people I went to school with, yet I've never shared the same breathing space with them. Just does weird things to the brain.
I'm still stuck on the fact that I found out that the World Trade Center was going down from someone in Norway.
Yes, J2... it's about time! It's almost 4 years, by then it'll be almost 5 that we've "known" one another. It's odd when I think of it that way... I've known many here longer than I knew the majority of people I went to school with, yet I've never shared the same breathing space with them. Just does weird things to the brain.
I'm still stuck on the fact that I found out that the World Trade Center was going down from someone in Norway.
Friday, September 12, 2003
Recipes (4)
Simple London Broil
- London Broil (about an inch thick, about a pound and a half)
- 1 can of Campbell's "Golden Mushroom" soup
- 1 pkg. onion soup mix
- 1/4 c. water
- 2 red potatoes
- 1 small onion
Preheat oven to 350°
Place meat on foil (or in oven bag)
mix onion soup and mushroom soup, spread on meat
Top with vegs (cut to preferred size)
sprinkle with water
seal foil (make a pouch, as airtight as possible) or close oven bag
Place on cookie sheet
Cook for 2 and a half hours
*drools*
Serves 2
- London Broil (about an inch thick, about a pound and a half)
- 1 can of Campbell's "Golden Mushroom" soup
- 1 pkg. onion soup mix
- 1/4 c. water
- 2 red potatoes
- 1 small onion
Preheat oven to 350°
Place meat on foil (or in oven bag)
mix onion soup and mushroom soup, spread on meat
Top with vegs (cut to preferred size)
sprinkle with water
seal foil (make a pouch, as airtight as possible) or close oven bag
Place on cookie sheet
Cook for 2 and a half hours
*drools*
Serves 2
091203 - from "Hello (2) thread"
I have to work out.
I think I'm stalling.
I know I'll feel better once I do, but... yeesh. This sucks.
11:32pm - ACK!!!!
NO MORE CARDS!!!!!!
Just realized that there are no (vignette) cards on my cigarettes!
I hope the next series is better.
I think I'm stalling.
I know I'll feel better once I do, but... yeesh. This sucks.
11:32pm - ACK!!!!
NO MORE CARDS!!!!!!
Just realized that there are no (vignette) cards on my cigarettes!
I hope the next series is better.
Thursday, September 11, 2003
(DC2K3 - end of the Amtrak story...)
I can honestly say, that what bothered me the most about the trip was the lack of a smoking car. I'm used to being treated like shit because I look different. Actually, after 9/11 a couple of my friends and I had to laugh at the people bitching about being subjected to enhanced security. (I dare say that other "bikers" and "punks" across the nation (to say nothing of other "minorities") had the same reaction.)
I'm used to it. I don't really like it, but I'm used to it.
Bathroom issues?
Not enough space?
It's all par for the course, really.
I can deal. I just have a drink, and a CIGARETTE!!!!!!
I'm used to it. I don't really like it, but I'm used to it.
Bathroom issues?
Not enough space?
It's all par for the course, really.
I can deal. I just have a drink, and a CIGARETTE!!!!!!
Wednesday, September 10, 2003
bored bored bored
bored bored bored bored bored bored
bored bored bored bored bored bored
bored bored bored bored bored bored
bored bored bored bored bored bored
bored bored bored bored bored bored
bored bored bored bored bored bored
bored bored bored bored bored bored
bored bored bored bored bored bored
bored bored bored bored bored bored
bored bored bored bored bored bored
bored bored bored bored bored bored
bored bored bored bored bored bored
bored bored bored bored bored bored
bored bored bored bored bored bored
bored bored bored bored bored bored
bored bored bored bored bored bored
bored bored bored bored bored bored
bored bored bored bored bored bored
bored bored bored bored bored bored
bored bored bored bored bored bored
bored bored bored bored bored bored
bored bored bored bored bored bored
bored bored bored bored bored bored
bored bored bored bored bored bored
bored bored bored bored bored bored
bored bored bored bored bored bored
bored bored bored bored bored bored
bored bored bored bored bored bored
bored bored bored bored bored bored
bored bored bored bored bored bored
bored bored bored bored bored bored
Dragon Con 2004 (w/A2 - 3)
I'm thinking that in order to be safe, we need about $3200 (minus the vouchers) That would be $1600 each, minus the voucher = $1100 each. That should cover the train, 6 nights hotel, Con tickets, and $500 each for food, etc.
I guess that what that means is that our original figure of $1200 was pretty on target. :D
oops... that was wrong. Not $1100 each, 1350 each. :\
It's still possible though!
I guess that what that means is that our original figure of $1200 was pretty on target. :D
oops... that was wrong. Not $1100 each, 1350 each. :\
It's still possible though!
DC2K4 (II)
It makes things a lot cheaper if you split a room with someone. For me personally, sharing a room with more than one person is not possible, but it makes sense that if you're ok with room sharing you should. (More money to spend on sushi!)
If it ends up being a whole bunch of us, maybe we should consider all chipping in to rent a "party" room for one night. It's about $150 a night at the Hyatt, split a few ways it might be an option. Either that, or if someone is ok with a party in their room, we could all chip in towards the use of their space.
I'll say this much in advance (and for the record) though...
In my life I've been a barfly... a party person... a social butterfly... a city dweller, etc. I AM OK WITH PARTIES. That said, allow me to explain...
I've lived my life where my "home" is my sanctuary. When I party, I leave the house. This is how I am able to socialize. Basically, because I'm able to come and go, I'm just fine.
What happened in 2001 was that I attempted to step out for a minute and it turned into a MAJOR drama (thanks a lot, crack fairy).
Things happen... unexpected things, planned things, all sorts of things. My head often gets messy. Knowing this, I always try to provide for my own needs by letting people know how I am... so that if I do walk out, freak out, or anything else, they'll understand and not take it personally.
So, for the record, I'm completely into showing up for a party that we plan for ourselves... as long as I can get to home base without a problem (including being made to feel like shit for doing so).
I'm a penguin...I'm a penguin...I'm a twisted penguin
If it ends up being a whole bunch of us, maybe we should consider all chipping in to rent a "party" room for one night. It's about $150 a night at the Hyatt, split a few ways it might be an option. Either that, or if someone is ok with a party in their room, we could all chip in towards the use of their space.
I'll say this much in advance (and for the record) though...
In my life I've been a barfly... a party person... a social butterfly... a city dweller, etc. I AM OK WITH PARTIES. That said, allow me to explain...
I've lived my life where my "home" is my sanctuary. When I party, I leave the house. This is how I am able to socialize. Basically, because I'm able to come and go, I'm just fine.
What happened in 2001 was that I attempted to step out for a minute and it turned into a MAJOR drama (thanks a lot, crack fairy).
Things happen... unexpected things, planned things, all sorts of things. My head often gets messy. Knowing this, I always try to provide for my own needs by letting people know how I am... so that if I do walk out, freak out, or anything else, they'll understand and not take it personally.
So, for the record, I'm completely into showing up for a party that we plan for ourselves... as long as I can get to home base without a problem (including being made to feel like shit for doing so).
I'm a penguin...I'm a penguin...I'm a twisted penguin
(Tattoos!! - II)
For me, it feels like the outline hurts more, because usually by the time the outline is done, it gets a little numb. After the numbness though, it starts to get raw, and by then the color is being done. I suppose it depends on the size of the tattoo... on how long it takes. Little ones, I'd think that the outline hurts more. Large pieces, the color.
I have a little one on my head. I didn't even feel it. I have one on my leg that a friend did. He did the outline and it hurt a little, but then there was about an hour or so until he did the color. THAT hurt. I can safely say it was the most painful one I ever got... even more painful than the piece on the other side of my leg which took 7 hours just for the outline.
With most of them though, the worst pain came the next day. It feels like a really bad rug burn... which I suppose is a good comparison. Areas over a bone hurt a lot, and areas where the skin is thinner... but other than that, it's really the next day that is sort of annoying.
I haven't had anything done since '98. Haven't had the money. :\
I have a little one on my head. I didn't even feel it. I have one on my leg that a friend did. He did the outline and it hurt a little, but then there was about an hour or so until he did the color. THAT hurt. I can safely say it was the most painful one I ever got... even more painful than the piece on the other side of my leg which took 7 hours just for the outline.
With most of them though, the worst pain came the next day. It feels like a really bad rug burn... which I suppose is a good comparison. Areas over a bone hurt a lot, and areas where the skin is thinner... but other than that, it's really the next day that is sort of annoying.
I haven't had anything done since '98. Haven't had the money. :\
Tuesday, September 9, 2003
(any reason in particular?)
there used to be more columns in the post listings - like the number of views, last poster, that kind of thing. i kinda liked that. any reason why they're gone? just wondering...
The only thing missing is the number of replies to the topics. (The topic views thing never worked right.) I purposely eliminated the number of replies because it can be ego damaging.
There's nothing like pouring your heart out and seeing 1 reply while another more mundane topic gets 90 replies.
It just makes the topics seem more of equal importance to me... like there's no "gossip" factor... no "what's the most interesting post on the board" factor. Know what I mean?
The only thing missing is the number of replies to the topics. (The topic views thing never worked right.) I purposely eliminated the number of replies because it can be ego damaging.
There's nothing like pouring your heart out and seeing 1 reply while another more mundane topic gets 90 replies.
It just makes the topics seem more of equal importance to me... like there's no "gossip" factor... no "what's the most interesting post on the board" factor. Know what I mean?
(Tattoos!! - I)
I have a few. ;) The pain thing has to do with where on your body you get it, the size of the needle, how long it takes, and the technique of the tattoo artist. Some of mine I almost slept through, others I almost cried. :\
(shades of grey)
I often compare things in life to a box of Crayolas...
There are a lot of colors, but everyone has their favorites.
There are a lot of colors, but everyone has their favorites.
Under my clothing... (1)
This is my own personal DC2K4 body challenge.
I'll update this post in about a year.
At DC2K3:
Height: 65.5 inches
Weight: 155 pounds
(in inches)
-------------
wrist: 6.3
neck: 15
chest: 36.5
waist: 35
hip: 37
bicep: 12
forearm: 10.5
thigh: 22
calf: 14.5
on your mark
get set
GO!
I'll update this post in about a year.
At DC2K3:
Height: 65.5 inches
Weight: 155 pounds
(in inches)
-------------
wrist: 6.3
neck: 15
chest: 36.5
waist: 35
hip: 37
bicep: 12
forearm: 10.5
thigh: 22
calf: 14.5
on your mark
get set
GO!
Monday, September 8, 2003
DC2K4 (I)
I've had a few days to think on it, and to talk at length with A2 about it on the phone.
There's 360 days until Dragon Con 2004 starts.
Where there's a will... (there are lots of greedy relatives?)
I'm planning on it again. I'm saving every last cent I can. I'm going to brave Amtrak again.
Anyone else up for the challenge?
There's 360 days until Dragon Con 2004 starts.
Where there's a will... (there are lots of greedy relatives?)
I'm planning on it again. I'm saving every last cent I can. I'm going to brave Amtrak again.
Anyone else up for the challenge?
(DC2K3 - some of the train story)
Then, there was the little issue of the diner (again) on the way back. The head dude/seater/greeter person was (despite the availability of tables) attempting to seat us with strangers.
What the fuck was that all about?
Too, the fact that there was no smoking car prompted many to smoke in the bathroom. (Apparently, if you blow the smoke into the toilet and flush, it gets sucked out.) This left the toilets without water, which for some odd reason, did not discourage people from using them.
ummm.... P.U.!!!!
Then there was the BLACK shit that comes out of your nose... NOT from cigarettes!!!! (long live diesel!)
As bad as it was though... unfortunately, it's the only way I have to get to Dragon Con, if I want to go. There's no way I can risk the plane, and as bad as it was, it's still better than the doggie bus. :\
What the fuck was that all about?
Too, the fact that there was no smoking car prompted many to smoke in the bathroom. (Apparently, if you blow the smoke into the toilet and flush, it gets sucked out.) This left the toilets without water, which for some odd reason, did not discourage people from using them.
ummm.... P.U.!!!!
Then there was the BLACK shit that comes out of your nose... NOT from cigarettes!!!! (long live diesel!)
As bad as it was though... unfortunately, it's the only way I have to get to Dragon Con, if I want to go. There's no way I can risk the plane, and as bad as it was, it's still better than the doggie bus. :\
Sunday, September 7, 2003
090703 - from "Hello (2) thread"
Don't know what's up with me. I feel like crap.
I just keep drinking. ...on beer 5. My average is supposed to be 3 - 4.
I feel like a failure.
I just keep drinking. ...on beer 5. My average is supposed to be 3 - 4.
I feel like a failure.
Saturday, September 6, 2003
losing focus
I knew that it'd happen during/after Dragon Con.
I've been trying to get back on track, but I'm not doing a very good job.
My head feels muddy.
I feel discouraged.
Can't seem to motivate myself.
I feel like today is shot.
I feel guilty for not working out.
I feel guilty for wanting beer.
I feel guilty for wanting to crawl into bed.
guilt guilt guilt
I'm hungry, but afraid to eat.
Can't seem to sit up straight.
Can't seem to think straight.
Tomorrow is another day.
Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow...
I've been trying to get back on track, but I'm not doing a very good job.
My head feels muddy.
I feel discouraged.
Can't seem to motivate myself.
I feel like today is shot.
I feel guilty for not working out.
I feel guilty for wanting beer.
I feel guilty for wanting to crawl into bed.
guilt guilt guilt
I'm hungry, but afraid to eat.
Can't seem to sit up straight.
Can't seem to think straight.
Tomorrow is another day.
Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow...
090603 - from "Hello (2) thread"
Probably going to crawl back into bed.
Had to go downstairs and bitch at my neighbor because he was playing his bass too loud. The SS tattoo on his back made me feel even better than when he stressed that he was a working musician. Lovely.
He has a cat that ran out when he answered the door... and I saw a fish tank in there.
I suppose that if my life had gone different...
low self esteem moment.
10:58am
now's a great time for them to mow the lawn.
Had to go downstairs and bitch at my neighbor because he was playing his bass too loud. The SS tattoo on his back made me feel even better than when he stressed that he was a working musician. Lovely.
He has a cat that ran out when he answered the door... and I saw a fish tank in there.
I suppose that if my life had gone different...
low self esteem moment.
10:58am
now's a great time for them to mow the lawn.
(DC2K3) Wednesday - Thursday (2)
It's not really that (thinking about) it's painful. I guess that I'm just having problems getting my thoughts organized.
It won't get out of my head!!!!!!!
SHAME (Evelyn "Champagne" King)
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
IT WON'T STOP!!!!!!
HELLLLLLPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
IT WON'T STOP!!!!!!
HELLLLLLPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!
Friday, September 5, 2003
(DC2K3) Wednesday - Thursday
For some odd reason, even the thought of typing out the whole Amtrak fiasco makes me want to shut my computer down. It's not just that it's a lot of typing, but I think that I'm trying (at least, subconsciously) to forget it.
I'm used to being treated differently because of the way I look. I just never expected it from Amtrak, being that the price of the ticket was so obnoxious. Too, I suppose I was sucked into the "advertising" on their website. I expected something much different, even where the accommodations were concerned.
A2 has the play by play. On Thursday, when we finally got to the hotel, we spent some time writing things down. It starts with A2's train being late due to a man doing something which (apparently) warranted police intervention, and ended with us having to carry about 125 lbs of luggage the length of the train platform and up about 50 or so stairs after the "redcap" drove by with an empty luggage cart.
I'm used to being treated differently because of the way I look. I just never expected it from Amtrak, being that the price of the ticket was so obnoxious. Too, I suppose I was sucked into the "advertising" on their website. I expected something much different, even where the accommodations were concerned.
A2 has the play by play. On Thursday, when we finally got to the hotel, we spent some time writing things down. It starts with A2's train being late due to a man doing something which (apparently) warranted police intervention, and ended with us having to carry about 125 lbs of luggage the length of the train platform and up about 50 or so stairs after the "redcap" drove by with an empty luggage cart.
Thursday, September 4, 2003
Dragon Con 2004 (w/A2 - 1)
hotel - $800
air - $400
con tix - $120
food and gifts - $1,000
going to Dragon Con - priceless.
ok, we need about $2400 in about a year...
on your mark...
get set...
GO!
air - $400
con tix - $120
food and gifts - $1,000
going to Dragon Con - priceless.
ok, we need about $2400 in about a year...
on your mark...
get set...
GO!
(HELPING)
I have a few people in my life that I care for dearly. They have problems. All of them.
(and so) I just prefer to stay close to home, so to speak.
I'm selfish. I help people who would help me, first, before strangers.
Quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Do unto others what you wish, with all your heart & soul, someone would do unto you, but they never do.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Me, personally? I'd rather do unto others as they would have done unto them. I'm me. They're them.
They might be allergic to peanut butter.
(and so) I just prefer to stay close to home, so to speak.
I'm selfish. I help people who would help me, first, before strangers.
Quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Do unto others what you wish, with all your heart & soul, someone would do unto you, but they never do.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Me, personally? I'd rather do unto others as they would have done unto them. I'm me. They're them.
They might be allergic to peanut butter.
(One Downsmanship)
I don't even try to play the game.
(Just with what is in my pants (or not), I beat out about 98% of men immediately.)
I dunno... when your life sucks, it sucks. Just because other people have problems (big or small) doesn't invalidate yours.
(Just with what is in my pants (or not), I beat out about 98% of men immediately.)
I dunno... when your life sucks, it sucks. Just because other people have problems (big or small) doesn't invalidate yours.
(Your pets or dream pet?)
I don't have any pets, except for Harold, my Dwarf Palm... and Bunny (my stuffed rabbit). I think that you mean typical pets though.
I don't know that I really want to share my space with any aminiminals. If I had to choose, I'd probably say a dog. I like cats, but in so far as security is concerned, a dog is better.
Black Labs are cute.
I don't know that I really want to share my space with any aminiminals. If I had to choose, I'd probably say a dog. I like cats, but in so far as security is concerned, a dog is better.
Black Labs are cute.
(After the Con - my ratings?)
Organization - (thumbsdown) Whoever runs that thing needs to get on the ball.
Climate control - (thumbsup) For that size of an event, it could have been A LOT worse.
Poverty - (thumbsup) I didn't go broke and was even able to buy a few small things for people. Just goes to show me that when people work together, it's much easier to climb mountains.
Fatigue - (thumbsup) I was never too tired to do anything I wanted to do.
Sobriety - (thumbsup) I only got drunk ONCE... and that was on purpose (thank you very much Amtrak (grrr))
Shyness - (thumbsup) wasn't an issue
Expectations - (thumbsup) This DramaCon was by far the easiest to deal with. With the exception of the Amtrak fiasco, it actually either met with my expectations or ended up being better than I thought it would be.
Messing up - (thumbsup) I was sorry that I couldn't meet up with M., but I don't even consider that a "mess up"... just unfortunate.
What went Right? - Amtrak went HORRIBLY wrong. Other than that, everything went just fine. Even if I got a bit flustered at some things, I was able to work through them with a little bitching and a few good jokes.
Would you ever go again under any circumstances? - Money is the only thing stopping me.
Climate control - (thumbsup) For that size of an event, it could have been A LOT worse.
Poverty - (thumbsup) I didn't go broke and was even able to buy a few small things for people. Just goes to show me that when people work together, it's much easier to climb mountains.
Fatigue - (thumbsup) I was never too tired to do anything I wanted to do.
Sobriety - (thumbsup) I only got drunk ONCE... and that was on purpose (thank you very much Amtrak (grrr))
Shyness - (thumbsup) wasn't an issue
Expectations - (thumbsup) This DramaCon was by far the easiest to deal with. With the exception of the Amtrak fiasco, it actually either met with my expectations or ended up being better than I thought it would be.
Messing up - (thumbsup) I was sorry that I couldn't meet up with M., but I don't even consider that a "mess up"... just unfortunate.
What went Right? - Amtrak went HORRIBLY wrong. Other than that, everything went just fine. Even if I got a bit flustered at some things, I was able to work through them with a little bitching and a few good jokes.
Would you ever go again under any circumstances? - Money is the only thing stopping me.
Wednesday, September 3, 2003
home
I smell like diesel.
I think that I'm going to shower and get into bed. (Bunny is sulking)
S. LOVED "Death Kitty"!
Hope you make it home ok.
Thank you SO much for everything, A2... this trip meant the world to me... and I'd never have been able to go without you.
I think that I'm going to shower and get into bed. (Bunny is sulking)
S. LOVED "Death Kitty"!
Hope you make it home ok.
Thank you SO much for everything, A2... this trip meant the world to me... and I'd never have been able to go without you.
- biddybiddybiddyMonday, September 1, 2003
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
