Slept for a little bit. I'm all achey. :(
Don't know how tonight is going to go yet. I really don't want to be over there for long.
Wednesday, December 31, 2003
Have a good one!
Sockula here, just wanting to wish everyone a Happy New Year! Hit it guys!
We wish you a happy new year. We wish you a happy new year. We wish you a happy new yeeeeeeeeeear...
and many many more!
Rock on!
Tuesday, December 30, 2003
Our Body Challenge (3)
The New Year is coming. Dragon Con 2004 will feel more and more like a reality. 8 month Body Challenge. (& money challenge! I want to start that show!)
I want us both to feel happy and healthy.
I want us both to feel happy and healthy.
Re: Hardcore
...did you ever get anything back?
Nope, I never did, but that's ok by me. Until you're older, stuff like that might come off the wrong way anyway. I'd rather get no reply than have him get defensive. I didn't mean it in a bad way, after all, it was he who said "It's a way of life". I was actually just agreeing with him.
Spent some time talking with my therapist about it, a few weeks ago. She can relate on the Hippie = Punk level. It's not generation specific, "selling out" happens with people from the "subcultures" of all generations.
To some, it's a way of life and a belief system. To others, it's a fashion. Fashions fade, so in the end, you can always tell who the "poseurs" are.
Nope, I never did, but that's ok by me. Until you're older, stuff like that might come off the wrong way anyway. I'd rather get no reply than have him get defensive. I didn't mean it in a bad way, after all, it was he who said "It's a way of life". I was actually just agreeing with him.
Spent some time talking with my therapist about it, a few weeks ago. She can relate on the Hippie = Punk level. It's not generation specific, "selling out" happens with people from the "subcultures" of all generations.
To some, it's a way of life and a belief system. To others, it's a fashion. Fashions fade, so in the end, you can always tell who the "poseurs" are.
(Unusual Death?)
Attila the Hun
453 AD --- bled to death from a nosebleed on his wedding night.
I have to chuckle at this just a bit. It's happened to me, the whole nosebleed due to (AHem) popping a vein in your head (so to speak) thing, it's pretty embarrassing.
Good to know that I'm not alone in my occasional "weak constitution". *lol*
453 AD --- bled to death from a nosebleed on his wedding night.
I have to chuckle at this just a bit. It's happened to me, the whole nosebleed due to (AHem) popping a vein in your head (so to speak) thing, it's pretty embarrassing.
Good to know that I'm not alone in my occasional "weak constitution". *lol*
Hello (14) - I
I'm feeling a teeny bit better, but I don't want to jinx myself by saying anything about it.
I'll know better when the nose spray wears off. :\
<---- I envy him.
I'll know better when the nose spray wears off. :\
<---- I envy him.
Monday, December 29, 2003
Hello (13) 17
Fever woke me up. :\
Don't know how long I'll be up for.
I'm hoping to be able to talk to you in a bit. Hopefully the sniffs and coughs will stop long enough.
ow :(
Don't know how long I'll be up for.
I'm hoping to be able to talk to you in a bit. Hopefully the sniffs and coughs will stop long enough.
ow :(
Sunday, December 28, 2003
How u b? (10)
On top of the flu, and speaking of apartment troubles, my roof is again leaking and the mold is getting to me. True, it could be worse. My neighbor's roof actually caved in and all I have are drips and brown water stains, but along with the mold comes the nosebleeds. NOT something you want to deal with when you have the flu. You can't even be creative with it.
snif snif
snif snif
Hello (13) 15, 16
9:12 AM
nauseous
11:32 AM
nose is closing up
can't breathe right
think it's back to bed for me.
nauseous
11:32 AM
nose is closing up
can't breathe right
think it's back to bed for me.
Hardcore (the original version)
Sent this e-mail a while ago. Just felt like posting it here.
I browsed your site today and I did like the site a lot, but it got my brain running, and so I figured I'd write you.
As a Philly "Old head", I think that one thing, above ALL ELSE needs to be understood/said. We had our share of "poseurs" back in the late 70's - early 80's as well... the assholes from the burbs who would come in and shit in our squat, start fights at the shows... the "weekend punks" that flattened the sides of their hair and spiked the middle and called it a hawk, then went home to their moms and swimming pools and Docksiders.
I don't know jack shit about your scene, whether it be revived or brand new, but one thing that was said on your site is the key to ALL of it.
"When people get involved with something like hardcore, they think it is just the music...IT'S A WAY OF LIFE."
Most of the kids on your scene (as it was on my scene) are just that. Kids. Check back with them in 15 years or so and see where they're at then. That's when you find out who was who. It's not the guy who knows all the lyrics to all the songs and the names of all the bands and which member played in which one. It's not the guy with the coolest leather or the tallest hawk, or the largest collection of CDs. That's not the guy who isn't the poseur.
See that little freak sitting over there in the corner that you barely notice? That'll be the one who LIVES it. In 15 years, that person will still be living it, if they're living at all... because once you get into the adult world, and it's not about how tall your hawk is anymore and a cool jacket doesn't pay the rent, you're forced to lose it or live a life that's little more than torture. Knowing the lyrics doesn't put a roof over your head in the winter... and when you hit about 40, no one wants you crashing on their floor anymore.
That little freak in the corner, the one who's at the show because it's the only place they have to go where they don't get the shit kicked out of them. That's the one that's LIVING IT. That's the one that, 15 years from now, will still be living it, if they're living at all. You'll find them in jails, asylums, housing projects, and coffins. The world isn't made for Hardcore people. The world is made for sheep. If you're not a sheep and don't have a REALLY good run of good luck, your Hardcore ass will be pretty cold in the winter and keeping yourself from being locked up will become your only real job in life.
Today it's "cool", but tomorrow... it's COLD.
Yes, stay true to yourself... but there's a reason why they call it HARDcore. If you're not DAMN hard, you won't make it. You'll just be another Joe in a monkey suit who used to hang out with other kids who liked to stand out too.
See past all the noise and the colors. It's ABOUT something. It's about having a HARD CORE.
I browsed your site today and I did like the site a lot, but it got my brain running, and so I figured I'd write you.
As a Philly "Old head", I think that one thing, above ALL ELSE needs to be understood/said. We had our share of "poseurs" back in the late 70's - early 80's as well... the assholes from the burbs who would come in and shit in our squat, start fights at the shows... the "weekend punks" that flattened the sides of their hair and spiked the middle and called it a hawk, then went home to their moms and swimming pools and Docksiders.
I don't know jack shit about your scene, whether it be revived or brand new, but one thing that was said on your site is the key to ALL of it.
"When people get involved with something like hardcore, they think it is just the music...IT'S A WAY OF LIFE."
Most of the kids on your scene (as it was on my scene) are just that. Kids. Check back with them in 15 years or so and see where they're at then. That's when you find out who was who. It's not the guy who knows all the lyrics to all the songs and the names of all the bands and which member played in which one. It's not the guy with the coolest leather or the tallest hawk, or the largest collection of CDs. That's not the guy who isn't the poseur.
See that little freak sitting over there in the corner that you barely notice? That'll be the one who LIVES it. In 15 years, that person will still be living it, if they're living at all... because once you get into the adult world, and it's not about how tall your hawk is anymore and a cool jacket doesn't pay the rent, you're forced to lose it or live a life that's little more than torture. Knowing the lyrics doesn't put a roof over your head in the winter... and when you hit about 40, no one wants you crashing on their floor anymore.
That little freak in the corner, the one who's at the show because it's the only place they have to go where they don't get the shit kicked out of them. That's the one that's LIVING IT. That's the one that, 15 years from now, will still be living it, if they're living at all. You'll find them in jails, asylums, housing projects, and coffins. The world isn't made for Hardcore people. The world is made for sheep. If you're not a sheep and don't have a REALLY good run of good luck, your Hardcore ass will be pretty cold in the winter and keeping yourself from being locked up will become your only real job in life.
Today it's "cool", but tomorrow... it's COLD.
Yes, stay true to yourself... but there's a reason why they call it HARDcore. If you're not DAMN hard, you won't make it. You'll just be another Joe in a monkey suit who used to hang out with other kids who liked to stand out too.
See past all the noise and the colors. It's ABOUT something. It's about having a HARD CORE.
How u b? (9)
I'm hoping that I'll get over it quick. I almost never get sick like this. I can't remember the last time I got the flu. I think that I picked it up X-mas eve because I was visiting a neighbor. That's one good thing about being isolated, you never pick up those pesky flus and colds and shtuff.
Spent all day yesterday in bed waiting for my fever to break. :\ Hopefully today will go better.
Spent all day yesterday in bed waiting for my fever to break. :\ Hopefully today will go better.
(My Schedule - to S.)
I'm hoping that today will go better than yesterday. My fever stayed around 102 for quite a while.
My nose is bleeding because of the roof leaking again. (mold) I should be grateful though, my neighbor's roof actually caved in.
If you could make it up at some point today, it'd sure be appreciated... even just to drop off some milk and cold medicine. I don't think that you should really come in for long, because you don't want to get this... but I don't think that I can make it to the store.
Call if you can. I don't know how I'll be on Tuesday, but hopefully by Friday I'll be better. (Shopping day?)
My nose is bleeding because of the roof leaking again. (mold) I should be grateful though, my neighbor's roof actually caved in.
If you could make it up at some point today, it'd sure be appreciated... even just to drop off some milk and cold medicine. I don't think that you should really come in for long, because you don't want to get this... but I don't think that I can make it to the store.
Call if you can. I don't know how I'll be on Tuesday, but hopefully by Friday I'll be better. (Shopping day?)
Saturday, December 27, 2003
Dragon Con 2004 (w/A2 - 12)
248 days
I'm going to do this... somehow. I'm scared right now... not just about money, but about leaving here for a week. It's not that I don't trust (my neighbor)... but... she has some shady friends. Part of me wants to risk asking S. to stay here while I'm gone.
Paranoia.
The laptop is DEFINITELY coming with.
I'm going to do this... somehow. I'm scared right now... not just about money, but about leaving here for a week. It's not that I don't trust (my neighbor)... but... she has some shady friends. Part of me wants to risk asking S. to stay here while I'm gone.
Paranoia.
The laptop is DEFINITELY coming with.
Friday, December 26, 2003
Hello (13) 13
I took an Ativan to help get to sleep. I slept for a few hours. I was up and down all night, but I think that the Ativan helped.
Thanks for being there for me. It means a lot.
Hopefully we'll talk later. Have to find out the deal with the roof... and the front door lock is broken again. :\ I'm still tired, but bass man is still going and my ears are through with the earplugs. I can only hope that someone will be in the office today. I'm really worried that my apt. isn't going to pass the inspection... then I could be REALLY fucked.
Thanks for being there for me. It means a lot.
Hopefully we'll talk later. Have to find out the deal with the roof... and the front door lock is broken again. :\ I'm still tired, but bass man is still going and my ears are through with the earplugs. I can only hope that someone will be in the office today. I'm really worried that my apt. isn't going to pass the inspection... then I could be REALLY fucked.
Thursday, December 25, 2003
1122pm122503
The fact that it's 11:22 PM does not change the fact that I have an overwhelming urge to obliterate myself.
Another half hour or so and I'm going to have to lower the stereo. As much as I want to blast it and keep the fucker downstairs up (in revenge for his daily noise), two wrongs don't make a right.
Alice in Chains. The best music to come out of the 90's.
Another half hour or so and I'm going to have to lower the stereo. As much as I want to blast it and keep the fucker downstairs up (in revenge for his daily noise), two wrongs don't make a right.
Alice in Chains. The best music to come out of the 90's.
Alice In Chains
Bury Me Softly In This Womb
I Give This Part Of Me For You
Sand Rains Down And Here I Sit
Holding Rare Flowers
In A Tomb.....In Bloom
Down In A Hole And I Don't Know
If I Can Be Saved
See My Heart I Decorate It
Like A Grave
You Don't Understand Who They
Thought I Was Supposed To Be
Look At Me Now A Man
Who Won't Let Himself Be
Down In A Hole, Losin' My Soul
Down In A Hole, Losin' Control
I'd Like To Fly
But My Wings Have Been So Denied
Down In A Hole And They've Put All
The Stones In Their Place
I've Eaten The Sun So My Tongue
Has Been Burned Of The Taste
I Have Been Guilty
Of Kicking Myself In The Teeth
I Will Speak No More
Of My Feelings Beneath
Oh I Want To Be Inside Of You
Down In A Hole, Losin' My Soul
Down In A Hole, Feelin' So Small
Down In A Hole, Losin' My Soul
Down In A Hole, Out Of Control
I'd Like To Fly
But My Wings Have Been So Denied
Ain't Found A Way To
Kill Me Yet
Eyes Burn With Stinging
Sweat
Seems Every Path Leads Me To
Nowhere
Wife And Kids And Household Pet
Army Green Was No Safe Bet
The Bullets Scream To Me From Somewhere
Here They Come To Snuff The Rooster
Yeah Here Come The Rooster
You Know He Ain't Gonna Die
Walkin' Tall Machine Gun Man
They Spit On Me In My Homeland
Gloria Sent Me Pictures
Of My Boy
Got My Pills 'Gainst
Mosquito Death
My Buddy's Breathin'
His Dyin' Breath
Oh God Please Won't You Help
Me Make It Through
Alice In Chains - "Down In A Hole" & "Rooster"
I Give This Part Of Me For You
Sand Rains Down And Here I Sit
Holding Rare Flowers
In A Tomb.....In Bloom
Down In A Hole And I Don't Know
If I Can Be Saved
See My Heart I Decorate It
Like A Grave
You Don't Understand Who They
Thought I Was Supposed To Be
Look At Me Now A Man
Who Won't Let Himself Be
Down In A Hole, Losin' My Soul
Down In A Hole, Losin' Control
I'd Like To Fly
But My Wings Have Been So Denied
Down In A Hole And They've Put All
The Stones In Their Place
I've Eaten The Sun So My Tongue
Has Been Burned Of The Taste
I Have Been Guilty
Of Kicking Myself In The Teeth
I Will Speak No More
Of My Feelings Beneath
Oh I Want To Be Inside Of You
Down In A Hole, Losin' My Soul
Down In A Hole, Feelin' So Small
Down In A Hole, Losin' My Soul
Down In A Hole, Out Of Control
I'd Like To Fly
But My Wings Have Been So Denied
Ain't Found A Way To
Kill Me Yet
Eyes Burn With Stinging
Sweat
Seems Every Path Leads Me To
Nowhere
Wife And Kids And Household Pet
Army Green Was No Safe Bet
The Bullets Scream To Me From Somewhere
Here They Come To Snuff The Rooster
Yeah Here Come The Rooster
You Know He Ain't Gonna Die
Walkin' Tall Machine Gun Man
They Spit On Me In My Homeland
Gloria Sent Me Pictures
Of My Boy
Got My Pills 'Gainst
Mosquito Death
My Buddy's Breathin'
His Dyin' Breath
Oh God Please Won't You Help
Me Make It Through
Alice In Chains - "Down In A Hole" & "Rooster"
Tuesday, December 23, 2003
Hello (13) 12
Called L. Mk is heading to the liquor store tonight, so she's going to get him to grab the stuff for me, and she'll drop it off tomorrow. :D I made sure to only get things for my neighbor's gift. ;)
Why?
I'm labeled "crazy", but I keep "meeting" people who are not and who I think are completely fucked in the head.
Am I that far gone, or am I just one of the few truly sane ones?
I guess I'll never really know.
Monday, December 22, 2003
Sunday, December 21, 2003
always
The first cut - goes deeper in
Each impression
Makes a chain reaction
Each impression
Will never be never be never be broken
Saturday, December 20, 2003
Saturday afternoon
Childhood living is easy to do
The things you wanted I bought them for you
Graceless lady, you know who I am,
You know I can't let you slide through my hands
Wild Horses, Couldn't drag me away,
Wild, wild horses, Couldn't drag me away...
I watched you suffer a dull, aching pain
Now you decided to show me the same
No sweeping exits or offstage lines,
Can make me feel bitter or treat you unkind
Wild Horses, Couldn't drag me away,
Wild, wild horses, Couldn't drag me away...
I know I dreamed you a sin and a lie,
I have my freedom but I don't have much time
Faith has been broken tears must be cried,
Let's do some living after we die
Wild Horses, Couldn't drag me away,
Wild, wild horses, We'll ride them someday
Rolling Stones - Wild Horses
The things you wanted I bought them for you
Graceless lady, you know who I am,
You know I can't let you slide through my hands
Wild Horses, Couldn't drag me away,
Wild, wild horses, Couldn't drag me away...
I watched you suffer a dull, aching pain
Now you decided to show me the same
No sweeping exits or offstage lines,
Can make me feel bitter or treat you unkind
Wild Horses, Couldn't drag me away,
Wild, wild horses, Couldn't drag me away...
I know I dreamed you a sin and a lie,
I have my freedom but I don't have much time
Faith has been broken tears must be cried,
Let's do some living after we die
Wild Horses, Couldn't drag me away,
Wild, wild horses, We'll ride them someday
Rolling Stones - Wild Horses
Yeah, but I can do 20 push ups. (4)
I don't know that I could do 20 push ups now. The last month or so has been hellish. I can only hope that I can get back on the horse at some point soon.
Went to the doc yesterday. It was exactly 6 months from when I was there last. I lost 18 lbs total, but my body fat % went from 27 to 19, and that's a lot more important to me.
I hate that my head is fucked up. :(
Went to the doc yesterday. It was exactly 6 months from when I was there last. I lost 18 lbs total, but my body fat % went from 27 to 19, and that's a lot more important to me.
I hate that my head is fucked up. :(
Dragon Con (Board gathering) - 7
Dragon Con starts in 258 days
trying so hard to make it :\
I really hate this time of year.
trying so hard to make it :\
I really hate this time of year.
Thursday, December 18, 2003
Hello (13) 8, 9
5:29 AM
this is getting really old
12:24 PM
really really fucking tired.
Waiting on S. I don't know how long I'll be waiting on S. fun fun fun
this is getting really old
12:24 PM
really really fucking tired.
Waiting on S. I don't know how long I'll be waiting on S. fun fun fun
Wednesday, December 17, 2003
Hello (13) 7
I'm very very tired.
I think that what I'm going to do is attempt a nap. I'm hoping that when I get up I'll feel like working out. Forcing myself to drink a Slim Fast because I have no appetite. :\
I think that what I'm going to do is attempt a nap. I'm hoping that when I get up I'll feel like working out. Forcing myself to drink a Slim Fast because I have no appetite. :\
Scars (3) (more of the original)
I guess that a lot of this comes up this time of year because of what the holidays used to entail.
I was thinking, earlier this month, that the reason why Sept. - Jan. was always so rough for me was because of being locked up during that time period. Spent most of last night's session talking about all of this. Won't get back to talk about it until January 6th.
Pisses me off that these people go on vacation. Even people who aren't head cases have trouble during the holidays. It's a damn shrink's office!!!! VACATION? NOW?!?!?!?
That's aside from the point though.
Spent the session talking about 8th - 9th grades... about how bad things got... about what was really important to me (my drums, GIRLS!, and my friends - who basically saved my life).
Talked about how the holidays usually went... the fights and humiliation... about how after 8th grade, I started "putting my foot down". (heh heh. I guess my invisiballs dropped.)
Music had a big part to play in my "awakening". I got a walkman for my graduation. Before then, I listened to a transistor radio that I had gotten from a family member's basement stash of "old things not being used". I would put it under my pillow to muffle the sound, or use an earplug. (One of those white ones, remember?) Anyway, thanks to Boy George, I found the courage to start standing up for myself. I owe that guy my life!
I got my brother a radio when he graduated 8th grade. It was a while before he really got into the music thing... but I guess I just wanted to give him something that might help him get through his own hell. I guess it was symbolic in a way.
Digressing again
Looking at the photos hurts. I have a few of them tucked away, as I said. The last pictures taken of me in a dress were from 8th grade graduation. From that point forward, one by one, I took things into my own hands, and as I did, my "parents", of course, responded by "punishing" me.
It was my loss. I didn't have the guidance I needed. My brother lost out not having me around. My sister lost out (and still holds a grudge) because of my leaving. Yes, I won in that I circumvented suicide, but 20 years later, I'm still trying to live.
I don't know how to be a "normal" guy, not because I don't have nuts to stuff into my jeans, but because at the age I needed guidance, my only source was Boy George and the street.
I was thinking, earlier this month, that the reason why Sept. - Jan. was always so rough for me was because of being locked up during that time period. Spent most of last night's session talking about all of this. Won't get back to talk about it until January 6th.
Pisses me off that these people go on vacation. Even people who aren't head cases have trouble during the holidays. It's a damn shrink's office!!!! VACATION? NOW?!?!?!?
That's aside from the point though.
Spent the session talking about 8th - 9th grades... about how bad things got... about what was really important to me (my drums, GIRLS!, and my friends - who basically saved my life).
Talked about how the holidays usually went... the fights and humiliation... about how after 8th grade, I started "putting my foot down". (heh heh. I guess my invisiballs dropped.)
Music had a big part to play in my "awakening". I got a walkman for my graduation. Before then, I listened to a transistor radio that I had gotten from a family member's basement stash of "old things not being used". I would put it under my pillow to muffle the sound, or use an earplug. (One of those white ones, remember?) Anyway, thanks to Boy George, I found the courage to start standing up for myself. I owe that guy my life!
I got my brother a radio when he graduated 8th grade. It was a while before he really got into the music thing... but I guess I just wanted to give him something that might help him get through his own hell. I guess it was symbolic in a way.
Digressing again
Looking at the photos hurts. I have a few of them tucked away, as I said. The last pictures taken of me in a dress were from 8th grade graduation. From that point forward, one by one, I took things into my own hands, and as I did, my "parents", of course, responded by "punishing" me.
It was my loss. I didn't have the guidance I needed. My brother lost out not having me around. My sister lost out (and still holds a grudge) because of my leaving. Yes, I won in that I circumvented suicide, but 20 years later, I'm still trying to live.
I don't know how to be a "normal" guy, not because I don't have nuts to stuff into my jeans, but because at the age I needed guidance, my only source was Boy George and the street.
Tuesday, December 16, 2003
Hello (13) 6
My head is pretty messy. I might hide in bed until I have to leave.
cobwebs! cobwebs between the ears I tell you!
cobwebs! cobwebs between the ears I tell you!
Scars (2) (the original)
It's tough to talk about, all the sex and gender stuff.
Pictures are rough. Beyond rough, actually. I see pictures of myself when I was younger, with very few exceptions, and I'm a mess. It's seeing pictures of myself being abused.... tortured... and knowing that people find pleasure in those pictures. I can't even really put into words how it makes me feel. Suicidal would be close.
I "stole" a bunch of pictures from my mother. I'm often caught with what to do with them... save them or burn them. Saving them... there's proof... there's proof of what they did. Burning them would feel good though... a symbolic "fuck you".
The pic I have on my page is one of the few from that time period that I don't completely lose my shit over. Many of the pics that exist are from "holidays". "Holidays" were the worst. The fights were beyond bad. It was all about getting me dressed. The last holiday, before I left home, my stepfather pushed me down the stairs and had me backed against the wall. I wouldn't put the clothing on that they wanted me to.
It was always like that. September is "Jewish New Year", then there's Thanksgiving, then Chanukah, and finally New Year's. New Year's was a little less horrible than the rest.
It's funny. They blame everything for my leaving home. I wanted to be rebellious. Drugs. Whatever they can. I think it's really ridiculous that it never occurs to them that underneath it all, aside from a lot of it - the physical abuse, the dysfunction, the traumas and their effect - the reason I left home was because they were trying to turn me into a girl.
I could have dealt with strict. I could have dealt with getting my ass kicked every now and again. I could have dealt with ridiculous rules. I could have dealt with a lot of things. I could not deal with being forced to wear dresses. I could not deal with being punished for who I am.
I was nice. I was respectful. I was well mannered. I was funny, talented, intelligent, and creative. I just wasn't a girl.
To this day, they'll say that I am/was/etc. That abuse continues. They'll want me to see old photo albums... thinking that I'll see them and smile. They'll point out that they changed my diapers.
I hate them. All of them.
I do what I can to control the effects of the rage. It's a full time job.
Maybe all I want is for, one day, for them to apologize... and to treat me with respect... To realize that they were wrong for what they did to me... for what they've done to me for 34 years.
It's not the easiest thing being different. My body is different... but that just makes me a guy who's different, not a girl. It wasn't about wanting to be a guy. I am a guy. I just wanted to be myself. It took me a long time to undo what I could of the damage they did. ...the programming runs so deep... It took me a long time to realize that no matter what I did, I could not become what they wanted me to be. I did try. Through all the fights and the breakdowns and the suffering, I tried. You just can't be someone you're not. It doesn't matter what you wear, you are who you are. In a dress, I was a guy in a dress. Guys can wear dresses, if they want... it's ok. It's just not ok to force someone to wear clothing that they don't want to wear because of the message it sends. It's not ok to put a dog into a cat suit. It's not ok to abuse a dog in every way possible to make it into the cat you so desperately want it to be.
All they had to do was listen. All they had to do was give me the benefit of the doubt.
Pictures are rough. Beyond rough, actually. I see pictures of myself when I was younger, with very few exceptions, and I'm a mess. It's seeing pictures of myself being abused.... tortured... and knowing that people find pleasure in those pictures. I can't even really put into words how it makes me feel. Suicidal would be close.
I "stole" a bunch of pictures from my mother. I'm often caught with what to do with them... save them or burn them. Saving them... there's proof... there's proof of what they did. Burning them would feel good though... a symbolic "fuck you".
The pic I have on my page is one of the few from that time period that I don't completely lose my shit over. Many of the pics that exist are from "holidays". "Holidays" were the worst. The fights were beyond bad. It was all about getting me dressed. The last holiday, before I left home, my stepfather pushed me down the stairs and had me backed against the wall. I wouldn't put the clothing on that they wanted me to.
It was always like that. September is "Jewish New Year", then there's Thanksgiving, then Chanukah, and finally New Year's. New Year's was a little less horrible than the rest.
It's funny. They blame everything for my leaving home. I wanted to be rebellious. Drugs. Whatever they can. I think it's really ridiculous that it never occurs to them that underneath it all, aside from a lot of it - the physical abuse, the dysfunction, the traumas and their effect - the reason I left home was because they were trying to turn me into a girl.
I could have dealt with strict. I could have dealt with getting my ass kicked every now and again. I could have dealt with ridiculous rules. I could have dealt with a lot of things. I could not deal with being forced to wear dresses. I could not deal with being punished for who I am.
I was nice. I was respectful. I was well mannered. I was funny, talented, intelligent, and creative. I just wasn't a girl.
To this day, they'll say that I am/was/etc. That abuse continues. They'll want me to see old photo albums... thinking that I'll see them and smile. They'll point out that they changed my diapers.
I hate them. All of them.
I do what I can to control the effects of the rage. It's a full time job.
Maybe all I want is for, one day, for them to apologize... and to treat me with respect... To realize that they were wrong for what they did to me... for what they've done to me for 34 years.
It's not the easiest thing being different. My body is different... but that just makes me a guy who's different, not a girl. It wasn't about wanting to be a guy. I am a guy. I just wanted to be myself. It took me a long time to undo what I could of the damage they did. ...the programming runs so deep... It took me a long time to realize that no matter what I did, I could not become what they wanted me to be. I did try. Through all the fights and the breakdowns and the suffering, I tried. You just can't be someone you're not. It doesn't matter what you wear, you are who you are. In a dress, I was a guy in a dress. Guys can wear dresses, if they want... it's ok. It's just not ok to force someone to wear clothing that they don't want to wear because of the message it sends. It's not ok to put a dog into a cat suit. It's not ok to abuse a dog in every way possible to make it into the cat you so desperately want it to be.
All they had to do was listen. All they had to do was give me the benefit of the doubt.
Monday, December 15, 2003
Scars (1)
When I was younger, one of the ways my mother tortured me was to "not allow" me to cut my hair.
As my mouth developed, her ways of torturing me multiplied.
About the age of 14, I took things (like scissors) into my own hands. I was punished, yes, but what scarred me even more were comments that were made by others.
If you go to my web page and look at the 14 year old pic, this is the time period I'm talking about.
One of my relatives, who shall remain nameless, reacted to me by tell me that my hair looked very "feminine".
I really need to know. Do I look "feminine" in that picture? I don't want to be pacified, I want honest input. If I really did look feminine, I can deal with that... but I really just want to know.
having issues.
As my mouth developed, her ways of torturing me multiplied.
About the age of 14, I took things (like scissors) into my own hands. I was punished, yes, but what scarred me even more were comments that were made by others.
If you go to my web page and look at the 14 year old pic, this is the time period I'm talking about.
One of my relatives, who shall remain nameless, reacted to me by tell me that my hair looked very "feminine".
I really need to know. Do I look "feminine" in that picture? I don't want to be pacified, I want honest input. If I really did look feminine, I can deal with that... but I really just want to know.
having issues.
honestly (2)
Looking like a teenaged boy... yeah... I looked that way for a good decade or so, and it was a bit annoying. Teenaged boys aren't exactly respected very much.
I guess that what I'm really asking about is the gender stuff. People thought I was a teenaged boy... but my mother countered that with her opinion. I guess that what I'm asking is that, going by that picture, would you think that I was anything other than a teenaged boy? Do I look like a girl in the least? To me, I can't tell. Like I said, I see my mother.
If I slapped that photo up on a random page, would anyone think anything other than "teenaged boy"? If (let's say) your mom saw that pic, would she think "wow, he was feminine featured when he was younger!"?
I mean, I know what people thought. Even my psych records have all the "he's" and "she's" scribbled out in order to correct the "mistakes" of the docs... but I think that in my head, a part of me writes that off to their just either being "old fashioned" or not paying attention.
I trust you. I'm asking you because I know that if I ask, you'll be honest with me. If you said "I would have thought that you were a girl", it wouldn't offend me or hurt me.
See, there's still a part of me that thinks that people will look at me and think that I'm not "normal"... that I'm really a "girl". Not just looking at old photos, but looking at me now. I think that people are "just being nice" or they "can't put their finger on it" but see something "off".
deep scars
I guess that what I'm really asking about is the gender stuff. People thought I was a teenaged boy... but my mother countered that with her opinion. I guess that what I'm asking is that, going by that picture, would you think that I was anything other than a teenaged boy? Do I look like a girl in the least? To me, I can't tell. Like I said, I see my mother.
If I slapped that photo up on a random page, would anyone think anything other than "teenaged boy"? If (let's say) your mom saw that pic, would she think "wow, he was feminine featured when he was younger!"?
I mean, I know what people thought. Even my psych records have all the "he's" and "she's" scribbled out in order to correct the "mistakes" of the docs... but I think that in my head, a part of me writes that off to their just either being "old fashioned" or not paying attention.
I trust you. I'm asking you because I know that if I ask, you'll be honest with me. If you said "I would have thought that you were a girl", it wouldn't offend me or hurt me.
See, there's still a part of me that thinks that people will look at me and think that I'm not "normal"... that I'm really a "girl". Not just looking at old photos, but looking at me now. I think that people are "just being nice" or they "can't put their finger on it" but see something "off".
deep scars
Hate (2)
Most of the time, with posts like these, my apparent questions are rhetorical. I don't know that there are any real answers... no "universal definitions".
Hate and rage, to me, are, although often linked, not necessarily partners. I can experience rage without feeing hate. I can feel hate without experiencing rage.
Can rage be channelled? In my opinion, no. Not true rage. If that state of being is "channellable", it's not really rage. Rage can't be channelled. Rage is rage. There's no controlling it. If you can control it, it's something else. Anger, hurt, upset, maybe even fear.... but not rage. To me, "rage" is one of those "insanity" things. There's no making sense of it. Is it "hate based"? I don't know. I think that maybe sometimes it is... but then, I think that it's often "love based" as well.
Hate and rage, to me, are, although often linked, not necessarily partners. I can experience rage without feeing hate. I can feel hate without experiencing rage.
Can rage be channelled? In my opinion, no. Not true rage. If that state of being is "channellable", it's not really rage. Rage can't be channelled. Rage is rage. There's no controlling it. If you can control it, it's something else. Anger, hurt, upset, maybe even fear.... but not rage. To me, "rage" is one of those "insanity" things. There's no making sense of it. Is it "hate based"? I don't know. I think that maybe sometimes it is... but then, I think that it's often "love based" as well.
Hello (13) 3, 4
fucking insomnia
3:44 PM
Still out of it, but up. :\
Need to do something physical, and eat and shower and stop myself from crawling back into bed and not kill anyone and not kill myself... the list just goes on and on.
3:44 PM
Still out of it, but up. :\
Need to do something physical, and eat and shower and stop myself from crawling back into bed and not kill anyone and not kill myself... the list just goes on and on.
(Don't you remember?)
(Luther's version of it is just sort of playing over and over in my head...)
Long ago, and, oh, so far away
I fell in love with you before the second show.
Your guitar, it sounds so sweet and clear, but you're not really here.
It's just the radio.
Don't you remember you told me you loved me baby?
You said you'd be coming back this way again baby.
Baby, baby, baby, baby, oh, baby.
I love you, I really do.
Loneliness is such a sad affair, and I can hardly wait to be with you again.
What to say, to make you come again?
Come back to me again, and play your sad guitar.
("Superstar" - Words and Music: Leon Russell & Bonnie Bramlett / Perf. by The Carpenters, Luther Vandross)
Long ago, and, oh, so far away
I fell in love with you before the second show.
Your guitar, it sounds so sweet and clear, but you're not really here.
It's just the radio.
Don't you remember you told me you loved me baby?
You said you'd be coming back this way again baby.
Baby, baby, baby, baby, oh, baby.
I love you, I really do.
Loneliness is such a sad affair, and I can hardly wait to be with you again.
What to say, to make you come again?
Come back to me again, and play your sad guitar.
("Superstar" - Words and Music: Leon Russell & Bonnie Bramlett / Perf. by The Carpenters, Luther Vandross)
Sunday, December 14, 2003
Hello (13) 2
My floor is vibrating. This is the loudest it's ever been.
Knocked on (my neighbor down the hall's) door and got her to verify that I'm not just being a lunatic. Even she heard it yesterday.
Doesn't make it stop though... and I'm a mess. Can't stop shaking.
Knocked on (my neighbor down the hall's) door and got her to verify that I'm not just being a lunatic. Even she heard it yesterday.
Doesn't make it stop though... and I'm a mess. Can't stop shaking.
honestly (1)
ok, here's my pic without my beard. Honestly, do you think that 1. I have no chin or that 2. I look too feminine?
When I look at that pic, all I see is my mother. True, I see (dad-unit 1) when I look at pics of me with the beard, but I guess it's a matter of "hate". I hate my mother more than (dad-unit 1), so seeing the resemblance to her makes me feel a bit more ill than I feel with others in which I resemble him. :\
When I look at that pic, all I see is my mother. True, I see (dad-unit 1) when I look at pics of me with the beard, but I guess it's a matter of "hate". I hate my mother more than (dad-unit 1), so seeing the resemblance to her makes me feel a bit more ill than I feel with others in which I resemble him. :\
Saturday, December 13, 2003
How u b? (6)
Thanks, N.! I'll certainly try it. Not sure where to get hot glue, but I'm sure that I'll find it.
There are some murmurs in my life about my moving. I don't want to get my hopes up, but there's a good chance that I'll be getting back to Philly in about a year and a half. (Once I'm there, I'm SUPERgluing myself to the damn pavement!)
I think that I can find some hot glue by then. ;)
There are some murmurs in my life about my moving. I don't want to get my hopes up, but there's a good chance that I'll be getting back to Philly in about a year and a half. (Once I'm there, I'm SUPERgluing myself to the damn pavement!)
I think that I can find some hot glue by then. ;)
Hello (13) 1
Bass man was going until 4 again. I think that I managed to get to sleep about 2:30 (thanks to the earplugs), but he was still going when I had my first wake up around 4.
We watched 9 to 5 on CMT last night. :\
Shot went well. :D
Trying to decide whether or not to get milk today. Should have got it last night while my brother was here, but I sort of forgot. Not sure if what I have will last until Tuesday, and if we get snow, there's no stopping anyway. :\
We watched 9 to 5 on CMT last night. :\
Shot went well. :D
Trying to decide whether or not to get milk today. Should have got it last night while my brother was here, but I sort of forgot. Not sure if what I have will last until Tuesday, and if we get snow, there's no stopping anyway. :\
Hate (1)
It's a pretty powerful feeling.
I've linked it to love. It seems that in order to hate someone, you either have to love them first, or have them hurt someone you do love.
Then there's the kind of hate like "I hate my neighbor" that I feel when he plays his tv at volume level 10 at 3 in the morning.
... and the sort of hate that I feel towards "bad" music.
I often wonder about "hate". I wonder if soldiers "hate" the enemy. I wonder if fag bashers "hate" gay people. I wonder if Pro-Lifers "hate" Doctors who perform abortions. I wonder what hate is... wonder why it exists.
Is "rage" hate-based?
Is a "hate crime" really about actual hate?
Is hate really hurt in disguise? Fear in disguise? Is it just a mood?
I've linked it to love. It seems that in order to hate someone, you either have to love them first, or have them hurt someone you do love.
Then there's the kind of hate like "I hate my neighbor" that I feel when he plays his tv at volume level 10 at 3 in the morning.
... and the sort of hate that I feel towards "bad" music.
I often wonder about "hate". I wonder if soldiers "hate" the enemy. I wonder if fag bashers "hate" gay people. I wonder if Pro-Lifers "hate" Doctors who perform abortions. I wonder what hate is... wonder why it exists.
Is "rage" hate-based?
Is a "hate crime" really about actual hate?
Is hate really hurt in disguise? Fear in disguise? Is it just a mood?
Friday, December 12, 2003
Recipes (5)
Made the London Broil recipe using "round steaks" the other day. It turned out REALLY good.
The only down side to the recipe is the salt content. True, salt is yummy, but there's a lot of it making it this way.
I do like the whole oven bag thing. Saves on foil and you can pack more into the thing. (takes 2 and a half hours though :\) I made 3 steaks, 6 potatoes, 3 carrots, 6 cloves of garlic, and about 4 nice sized onions. I still have left overs. :D
The only down side to the recipe is the salt content. True, salt is yummy, but there's a lot of it making it this way.
I do like the whole oven bag thing. Saves on foil and you can pack more into the thing. (takes 2 and a half hours though :\) I made 3 steaks, 6 potatoes, 3 carrots, 6 cloves of garlic, and about 4 nice sized onions. I still have left overs. :D
(The Muppet Show?)
My favorites were Beaker, The Chef, and of course, Animal.
I don't know about an all Muppet Show channel, but I'd be thumbs up about a Henson channel. They could show the old Sesame Streets too. :D
I don't know about an all Muppet Show channel, but I'd be thumbs up about a Henson channel. They could show the old Sesame Streets too. :D
(Still avatar hunting)
Usually, my next big "shift" usually happens sometime in late January or February. This cycle (@ my birthday - then) is my most difficult. I'm hoping that by then (if I fucking make it!) something will grab me, avatar-wise. I have a bunch put aside that I raised a brow over, but nothing yet that I feel fits. Woofy is perfect all the way around, even more perfect than a lot of the older ones were, but I guess there's still a part of me (or 2?) that doesn't feel expressed, so to speak.
Long-winded way of saying that I'm still looking. :\
Long-winded way of saying that I'm still looking. :\
Thursday, December 11, 2003
When did I get so scared?
We spend our 20s trying to "do right" and "be adult". By the time we hit 30 or so we figure out that we really did have all the answers at 16. Somewhere along the line we just forgot them.
Wednesday, December 10, 2003
Age
Most people I talk with seem to have the "I shouldn't have made it this far" opinion of themselves. Whether that says a lot about the human race or a lot about the people I talk to, I don't know, but it does seem to be the case.
I think that what brings me back to reality, so to speak, with my age, is not a mirror, but other people. I may feel 16 sometimes (or what I think 16 feels like because that's the way I felt at 16), but all I have to do is be around a 16 year old for a second and I realize that I'm definitely 34.
I also realize it in my attractions to other people. The people I find attractive are about my age. A 16 year old looks like a baby to me. There's no romantic interest there.
"Old people" keep looking younger and younger to me.... that part scares me. Over 40 used to look old to me (when I was a kid). Now 40 or so can look pretty darn tasty, in some cases. Some people in their 50's look old. It's over 70 that's "old" the way 50 or 60 was old to me when I was a teenager.
Am I a "normal" 34 year old? ...am I where I should be, focus-wise and maturity-wise, for a 34 year old? I don't know that I can answer that question. I'd have to ask a few people who are at least a good 10 years older than I am to really know for sure. I've always felt old... or what I perceived "old" to feel like. The older I get though, the more I think that it's just a language thing... it's not that I felt (or feel) "old".... it's tired. Not all "old" people feel tired. There's an epiphany.
I think that what brings me back to reality, so to speak, with my age, is not a mirror, but other people. I may feel 16 sometimes (or what I think 16 feels like because that's the way I felt at 16), but all I have to do is be around a 16 year old for a second and I realize that I'm definitely 34.
I also realize it in my attractions to other people. The people I find attractive are about my age. A 16 year old looks like a baby to me. There's no romantic interest there.
"Old people" keep looking younger and younger to me.... that part scares me. Over 40 used to look old to me (when I was a kid). Now 40 or so can look pretty darn tasty, in some cases. Some people in their 50's look old. It's over 70 that's "old" the way 50 or 60 was old to me when I was a teenager.
Am I a "normal" 34 year old? ...am I where I should be, focus-wise and maturity-wise, for a 34 year old? I don't know that I can answer that question. I'd have to ask a few people who are at least a good 10 years older than I am to really know for sure. I've always felt old... or what I perceived "old" to feel like. The older I get though, the more I think that it's just a language thing... it's not that I felt (or feel) "old".... it's tired. Not all "old" people feel tired. There's an epiphany.
I just have to say...
I really hate this time of year.
I'm NOT doing well at all.
I'm alive though... for the moment.
I'm NOT doing well at all.
I'm alive though... for the moment.
Tuesday, December 9, 2003
(Poor Ozzy.)
I know all about those anti-psycho drugs. :\
The more I read about Ozzy, the more I can relate to him.
The more I read about Ozzy, the more I can relate to him.
Monday, December 8, 2003
Sunday, December 7, 2003
Dragon Con (Board gathering) - 6
In all likelihood, this will be my last Dragon Con... but... I really think that we should start a YankeeCon. Shoot, I've been flying south (birdy metaphor) for 4 years... there are a bunch of us in the North. Boston? I'm a BIG fan of MassiveJewZits. Boston is accessible. Salem isn't. I like Salem, but it's not the easiest town to get to if you're coming from afar.
Maybe in 2005 we can do Boston instead.
I wanna meet Na.
Maybe in 2005 we can do Boston instead.
I wanna meet Na.
Hello (12) - VIII, IX
5:07 AM
Talked to Crr for a couple of hours. Not like I'll be able to remember 90% of the conversation, as I'm on beer #5, but the caller ID box said 2 hours 40 minutes.
She's friendly. Wants me to come visit her. Offered to pay. :\ I told her that I'm not ruling it out, but that it'd have to be VERY planned.
I dunno... I feel weird about it. I should probably push myself to go... but at the moment, the only place I want to go is to bed.
Hopefully I'll be able to remember some of the conversation tomorrow.
I dunno. She seems ok. Hopefully she'll post more. I still don't feel like I know her all that well.
must go steal tasty crunchy peanuts now... and hide in bed.
1:03 PM
My head hurts. Too much beer.
Talked to Crr for a couple of hours. Not like I'll be able to remember 90% of the conversation, as I'm on beer #5, but the caller ID box said 2 hours 40 minutes.
She's friendly. Wants me to come visit her. Offered to pay. :\ I told her that I'm not ruling it out, but that it'd have to be VERY planned.
I dunno... I feel weird about it. I should probably push myself to go... but at the moment, the only place I want to go is to bed.
Hopefully I'll be able to remember some of the conversation tomorrow.
I dunno. She seems ok. Hopefully she'll post more. I still don't feel like I know her all that well.
must go steal tasty crunchy peanuts now... and hide in bed.
1:03 PM
My head hurts.
Too much beer.Saturday, December 6, 2003
When I was let out...
Don't know why I ended up browsing this stuff. It tied into looking for a new Avatar... but somehow, I ended up on this page.
Really creepy. I think I was "discharged" January 3rd. 9 years older than me... She would've been on N-5? N-2? C building?
There really are no words. None that I could hear and respond to with any measure of politeness. That's why I'm putting this in the No Reply section.
Here's a link to the main page.
If you get the chance, spend some time at the site.
Really creepy. I think I was "discharged" January 3rd. 9 years older than me... She would've been on N-5? N-2? C building?
There really are no words. None that I could hear and respond to with any measure of politeness. That's why I'm putting this in the No Reply section.
Here's a link to the main page.
If you get the chance, spend some time at the site.
Friday, December 5, 2003
Just something to chew on
Deep down inside, we're all the first Halloween costume character we chose ourselves.
With love,
Pinocchio
With love,
Pinocchio
Hello (12) - V, VI
1:00 AM
S. will be here in about an hour.
Gee... I'm so glad I drank that beer.
this is me... drinking coffee
5:06 AM
S. just left.
The green and yellow are creeping towards me on the map. They're covering S.'s area now.
The foodstore was completely ransacked. :\
Hopefully I can get some sleep soon. With my luck, the schools will be closed and I'll have to deal with the screachers all day.
6:29 AM
We're about 15 minutes away from the beginning of the storm.
I'll probably sleep through it. *yawns*
S. will be here in about an hour.
Gee... I'm so glad I drank that beer.
this is me... drinking coffee
5:06 AM
S. just left.
The green and yellow are creeping towards me on the map. They're covering S.'s area now.
The foodstore was completely ransacked. :\
Hopefully I can get some sleep soon. With my luck, the schools will be closed and I'll have to deal with the screachers all day.
6:29 AM
We're about 15 minutes away from the beginning of the storm.
I'll probably sleep through it. *yawns*
Thursday, December 4, 2003
Hello (12) - III, IV
7:29 PM
Day isn't going too well. :\
9:31 PM
Called L. Don't know why I bother. I wonder how long it would take for her to call me if I didn't call her first.
I don't know if I bring it on myself or what... but it sure feels crappy.
Bought some beer.
Did 20 push ups, 20 crunches, and a few reps with the weights. I think it was 6 minutes total.
Go me. :\
Day isn't going too well. :\
9:31 PM
Called L. Don't know why I bother. I wonder how long it would take for her to call me if I didn't call her first.
I don't know if I bring it on myself or what... but it sure feels crappy.
Bought some beer.
Did 20 push ups, 20 crunches, and a few reps with the weights. I think it was 6 minutes total.
Go me. :\
(Still looking for a new avatar.)
I'm still looking. The ones I've found that I'd even consider are rather... "inappropriate". I'll come across something though.
Wish I had a scanner. (It's on my list! Right after more weight stuff, an external cd-rom drive, bag for travel, the new Heart CD, new pillows, pots and pans, bathroom shelf, mirror, clothing that fits, and a little, bedroom sized, tv to replace the one that's nearly dead I've been trying to watch. Of course, all of that is on the list after I have the cash for Dragon Con. :\ )
Wish I had a scanner. (It's on my list! Right after more weight stuff, an external cd-rom drive, bag for travel, the new Heart CD, new pillows, pots and pans, bathroom shelf, mirror, clothing that fits, and a little, bedroom sized, tv to replace the one that's nearly dead I've been trying to watch. Of course, all of that is on the list after I have the cash for Dragon Con. :\ )
Hello (12) - II
Nothing like having to shoo the kids away from my wall to put me in a good mood. :\
Finally fell asleep around 2ish.
It's gonna be a long day.
Finally fell asleep around 2ish.
It's gonna be a long day.
Wednesday, December 3, 2003
Hello (12) - I
I have to work out tomorrow.
I need to be in bed by 11... that means off the phone by 10:30.
I'm starting to really beat myself up about this. :\
I need to be in bed by 11... that means off the phone by 10:30.
I'm starting to really beat myself up about this. :\
My nephew (part 4)
It's not on you to bring me up, S. You can pass him my bio page link, if you want. That way, he can either get in touch with me, or talk to you about me if he wants to. I don't think that either of us should pressure him in any way. Letting him know that the door is open is the best way to go about things, I think.
Hello (11) - 14
I'm moving slow. (obviously)
Ordered my script
Ordered my smokes
Still have to pay the rent. :\
working out? What's that again? :(
- it's all good
Ordered my script
Ordered my smokes
Still have to pay the rent. :\
working out? What's that again? :(
- it's all good
Tuesday, December 2, 2003
FUCK!!!!!!!!!! (2)
I feel really bad. I go nuts trying to make this place as private as possible... not just for myself, but for others here... and now?
It looks like it's only posts from a few days in August, but I'm going to keep my eye on it. Hopefully it was just a glitch or something.
I guess the Membership By Approval option is going to have to stay on indefinitely. It's either that or create yet another board, and I have no desire to do that.
My apologies to everyone. :(
It looks like it's only posts from a few days in August, but I'm going to keep my eye on it. Hopefully it was just a glitch or something.
I guess the Membership By Approval option is going to have to stay on indefinitely. It's either that or create yet another board, and I have no desire to do that.
My apologies to everyone. :(
completely fried
I'm deleting ALL the posts at the old S&S board.
This whole thing with (the board host) making "private" communities searchable has got my hackles up. It's bad enough that you can trace me to a zillion other boards too... I don't want to risk losing the MBA option at S&S and having those posts in there.
I have a headache.
This whole thing with (the board host) making "private" communities searchable has got my hackles up. It's bad enough that you can trace me to a zillion other boards too... I don't want to risk losing the MBA option at S&S and having those posts in there.
I have a headache.
FUCK!!!!!!!!!! (1)
WHY THE FUCK IS THE BOARD LISTED ON SEARCH ENGINES?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!
WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
(Something about you...)
Post something about you that most people don't know-whether its something you like, dislike....something about your life, your looks, etc. Just anything you want to share... its all about you.
ok, how about...
When I was a teenager, I wanted to go to West Point.
ok, how about...
When I was a teenager, I wanted to go to West Point.
My nephew (part 3)
Time?
I think that 15 years is a rather long time. I've given the situation nothing but time. I've been respectful, even though enraged. I've kept my distance. I've kept my mouth shut. It's getting old.
I think that 15 years is a rather long time. I've given the situation nothing but time. I've been respectful, even though enraged. I've kept my distance. I've kept my mouth shut. It's getting old.
Monday, December 1, 2003
Hello (11) - 13
I'm here, barely. I'm just having a really rough night.
...I'm pretty messy right now.
...I'm pretty messy right now.
Beats me
I don't know why I post. I know that there are no magic answers... that no one in here is going to solve my problems... and that getting tired of hearing about them is probably about where people are at.
It's a daily battle... trying to not "give up"... trying not to do anything so insanely drastic that it makes my life even worse... and then I do things like try to not drink... try to work out... try to bathe and eat and take care of my teeth... try to remember to pay the bills...
try not to say too much or I'll make people worry too much
...and then there are days when I actually have to remind myself to do things like breathe, urinate in the toilet, and blink.
All that's what people seem to be able to do just fine. Me? I have such a tough time with it that I turn into a deer in headlights on a daily basis.
and then I beat myself up about it when I can't manage
and there's no end
there's no solution
there's just "survival"
What a fucking joke. I hate that shit. My therapist is always talking that crap... "You're a survivor". What the fuck? Survived what?!? Life?!? Everyone on the planet is doing that a whole fuck load better than I am! I'm supposed to take pride in the fact that I haven't blown my brains out yet?
I guess it all boils down to the fact that I need someone to help take care of me... and there is no one. No one is able, or no one is wanting to. It's just me, and my fucking beer which I'm not supposed to drink because, of course, that's the source of all of my problems in life, waiting to drop dead from some other cause than suicide.
I fake it well. When I leave the house and interact with people, "You seem fine" is the opinion. Yes. Just fine. I'm about 3 seconds from choking you to death with your own intestines, but really, I'm fine. Sometimes people look at me funny when I start shaking like I do sometimes. They really don't understand that it stems from beating off the urge to kill them. We often want to kill what we fear. I happen to fear people. Kill or hurt it before it kills or hurts you.
but I seem fine
I just have a seizure disorder
no worries.
It's a daily battle... trying to not "give up"... trying not to do anything so insanely drastic that it makes my life even worse... and then I do things like try to not drink... try to work out... try to bathe and eat and take care of my teeth... try to remember to pay the bills...
try not to say too much or I'll make people worry too much
...and then there are days when I actually have to remind myself to do things like breathe, urinate in the toilet, and blink.
All that's what people seem to be able to do just fine. Me? I have such a tough time with it that I turn into a deer in headlights on a daily basis.
and then I beat myself up about it when I can't manage
and there's no end
there's no solution
there's just "survival"
What a fucking joke. I hate that shit. My therapist is always talking that crap... "You're a survivor". What the fuck? Survived what?!? Life?!? Everyone on the planet is doing that a whole fuck load better than I am! I'm supposed to take pride in the fact that I haven't blown my brains out yet?
I guess it all boils down to the fact that I need someone to help take care of me... and there is no one. No one is able, or no one is wanting to. It's just me, and my fucking beer which I'm not supposed to drink because, of course, that's the source of all of my problems in life, waiting to drop dead from some other cause than suicide.
I fake it well. When I leave the house and interact with people, "You seem fine" is the opinion. Yes. Just fine. I'm about 3 seconds from choking you to death with your own intestines, but really, I'm fine. Sometimes people look at me funny when I start shaking like I do sometimes. They really don't understand that it stems from beating off the urge to kill them. We often want to kill what we fear. I happen to fear people. Kill or hurt it before it kills or hurts you.
but I seem fine
I just have a seizure disorder
no worries.
How u b? (3)
Wmg, I wouldn't consider you a lurker, really. Same with M. or Sv. It's just your style. "Lurker" is more negative to me. You drop by, you read, you occasionally post. If you were a lurker, your name (or "Anonymous", in your case) would always be on the "who's online" thingee, but you'd never post. Some people post a lot, others don't. Some people go through spurts. It's the people who join and then sit here reading people's posts like they're watching tv that bug me... in so far as the lurking thing goes... especially people who don't bother to even introduce themselves or try to post every now and again. To me, if you have an hour a day to sit here lurking, you can answer a stupid e-quiz once every couple of months or so... say something... say hello... blink... something. It's not like you have to tell everyone your whole life history or anything. Know what I mean?
You're not a "lurker" in my book.
You're not a "lurker" in my book.
(A personal link? 2)
I tossed together a bio page at Tripod. It's simple, but it'll do. I can't exactly use the one here with the MBA thing on. I've had the Tripod account for years... thought I may as well use it for something.
Sunday, November 30, 2003
My nephew (part 2)
Not knowing him hurts. The fact that I'm an "it" to him simply makes me suicidal.
It's tough to keep perspective... to remember that he's a person... that he has his own mind, and if he thinks that way, he's not worth knowing. It's tough not seeing him as "my nephew". It'd be a lot easier to be able to just see him as some kid.
I may be an "it", honey, but half of you came from that same tree.
I suppose that's what it's all about... fear... and the inability to face oneself. Guilt by association... guilt by relation...
Psychobabble aside though, it feels like shit.
It's tough to keep perspective... to remember that he's a person... that he has his own mind, and if he thinks that way, he's not worth knowing. It's tough not seeing him as "my nephew". It'd be a lot easier to be able to just see him as some kid.
I may be an "it", honey, but half of you came from that same tree.
I suppose that's what it's all about... fear... and the inability to face oneself. Guilt by association... guilt by relation...
Psychobabble aside though, it feels like shit.
Hello (11) - 11, 12
2:24 PM
- i'm retaining water
3:05 PM
well... bathing is on my agenda...
- noooooooo
- i'm retaining water3:05 PM
well... bathing is on my agenda...
- noooooooo Under my clothing... (2)
Height: 65.5 inches
Weight: 146 pounds
(in inches)
-------------
wrist: 6.25
neck: 14.5
chest: 35.5
waist: 33.5
hip: 36
bicep: 12
forearm: 10.5
thigh: 21.5
calf: 14
3 inches and 10 pounds
Weight: 146 pounds
(in inches)
-------------
wrist: 6.25
neck: 14.5
chest: 35.5
waist: 33.5
hip: 36
bicep: 12
forearm: 10.5
thigh: 21.5
calf: 14
3 inches and 10 pounds
How u b? (2)
Still sort of waking up...
Had some funky dreams last night. The night before last (or was it yesterday's nap?) it was snow, and last night was tidal waves. Must be natural disaster week or something. It also had something to do with me losing my shoes... and these two women... and this Vampire type of group that lived in the basement in this house... and drugs... Towards when I woke up, I was at a package pick up place... my new shoes had arrived. They were moccasins, actually... the ones I lost and the new ones. (Also the ones on my feet right now. (They're fairly new) I really like these things.
It was really an odd dream. Some of it, like trying to run from the waves, was scary. During that is where I met the first woman though... and then, although stressful, things started to feel more exciting.
It was one of those dreams where you wake up and wish you could go back to whatever world it was.
Had some funky dreams last night. The night before last (or was it yesterday's nap?) it was snow, and last night was tidal waves. Must be natural disaster week or something. It also had something to do with me losing my shoes... and these two women... and this Vampire type of group that lived in the basement in this house... and drugs... Towards when I woke up, I was at a package pick up place... my new shoes had arrived. They were moccasins, actually... the ones I lost and the new ones. (Also the ones on my feet right now. (They're fairly new) I really like these things.
It was really an odd dream. Some of it, like trying to run from the waves, was scary. During that is where I met the first woman though... and then, although stressful, things started to feel more exciting.
It was one of those dreams where you wake up and wish you could go back to whatever world it was.
Saturday, November 29, 2003
Hello (11) - 8-10
what a messed up day. :\
Gonna hide in bed for a bit.
9:01 PM
I'm feeling pretty testy...
9:46 PM
My food isn't going to be done until 10:30. (Hopefully that will help with cranky. :\)
10:38 PM
It's a rough time of year, for both of us. I do know that. Let's just try to keep our lines of communication open so that neither one of us ends up feeling bad.
I'll be in SVU land for the rest of the night. I'll probably eat in about half an hour. (it's taking longer to cook because it's a thicker piece of meat than I usually get :\)
-i weigh 10 pounds. you know that, right? ten. ten pounds. and i live right at Jon's waist line. got that? 10 pounds... and 3 inches at the waist. pay no attention to the man behind that curtain! ten pounds!!! ten!...
Gonna hide in bed for a bit.
9:01 PM
I'm feeling pretty testy...
9:46 PM
My food isn't going to be done until 10:30. (Hopefully that will help with cranky. :\)
10:38 PM
It's a rough time of year, for both of us. I do know that. Let's just try to keep our lines of communication open so that neither one of us ends up feeling bad.
I'll be in SVU land for the rest of the night. I'll probably eat in about half an hour. (it's taking longer to cook because it's a thicker piece of meat than I usually get :\)
-i weigh 10 pounds. you know that, right? ten. ten pounds. and i live right at Jon's waist line. got that? 10 pounds... and 3 inches at the waist. pay no attention to the man behind that curtain! ten pounds!!! ten!...
a few things
1. The board is now closed to lurkers
2. My new page
3. I posted the link at Classmates
4. I need a beer
5. The bass man is at it BIG TIME
6. So much for the good measurements tomorrow
2. My new page
3. I posted the link at Classmates
4. I need a beer
5. The bass man is at it BIG TIME
6. So much for the good measurements tomorrow
How u b? (1)
Just felt like starting a thread. It's a place to say hello, I guess.
Just spent some time looking for ways to repair carpets. Seems I dropped my cigarette at some point last night or this morning. I hate when I do that.
Something tells me I'm not going to get my deposit back, if I ever move out of here.
Just spent some time looking for ways to repair carpets. Seems I dropped my cigarette at some point last night or this morning. I hate when I do that.
Something tells me I'm not going to get my deposit back, if I ever move out of here.
Friday, November 28, 2003
another one
Well, I made it through. Spent hours with my neighbor and her family and friends. Drank a lot. Took some Xanax. Took a walk. Talked to my friend, K., for a while.
I made it through.
I feel like complete crap today. I have the shakes pretty badly.
My neighbor asked me to stop by for Christmas. I might. I don't think that I'll drink though... if I can manage not to.
I have a "seizure disorder". Close enough to my actual diagnosis. My brain is damaged. I have "seizures" that I can't control. They don't have to know my history.
I made it through.
I feel like complete crap today. I have the shakes pretty badly.
My neighbor asked me to stop by for Christmas. I might. I don't think that I'll drink though... if I can manage not to.
I have a "seizure disorder". Close enough to my actual diagnosis. My brain is damaged. I have "seizures" that I can't control. They don't have to know my history.
Thursday, November 27, 2003
Hello (11) - 6,7
Going next door in a few.
wish me luck :(
=====================================================
(edited for content 2/24/09 - FR)
=====================================================
10:20 PM
I'm kinda foggy.
Hope to go to bed soon.
Stifling anything profound.
wish me luck :(
=====================================================
(edited for content 2/24/09 - FR)
=====================================================
10:20 PM
I'm kinda foggy.
Hope to go to bed soon.
Stifling anything profound.
The last Thursday
I hate this holiday. I hate most holidays. This one makes me more bitter than most. Then, I spend all day beating myself up about being bitter. Such a "feel good" day this is.
One big FUCK YOU goes out to the assholes who share my DNA.
I'm thankful for A2, and for my brother in Mackerelhood, S. I'm thankful for L., who I get to see every few months. I'm thankful for the section 8 housing program. I'm thankful that I was blessed with a good amount of restraint and self control, otherwise I'd be locked up. I'm thankful for my computer. I'm thankful for SSD. I'm thankful for football. I'm thankful for a lot of things, really. I'm thankful every day.
Today, there are MANY people who should be thankful that I do have restraint and don't have a firearm.
Maybe they'll remember to be thankful for that before eating their turkey, which I honestly hope tastes like shit.
One big FUCK YOU goes out to the assholes who share my DNA.
I'm thankful for A2, and for my brother in Mackerelhood, S. I'm thankful for L., who I get to see every few months. I'm thankful for the section 8 housing program. I'm thankful that I was blessed with a good amount of restraint and self control, otherwise I'd be locked up. I'm thankful for my computer. I'm thankful for SSD. I'm thankful for football. I'm thankful for a lot of things, really. I'm thankful every day.
Today, there are MANY people who should be thankful that I do have restraint and don't have a firearm.
Maybe they'll remember to be thankful for that before eating their turkey, which I honestly hope tastes like shit.
Wednesday, November 26, 2003
Hello (11) - 4
I'm not even going to deal with CB's post tonight. Maybe in the morning. *rolls eyes*
Gonna go shoot space monsters and wait for my dishes to dry so that I can do the rest.
thanks for avoiding the alien comment.
Gonna go shoot space monsters and wait for my dishes to dry so that I can do the rest.
thanks for avoiding the alien comment.
(A Murphy's Law?)
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you ever tried.
Not sure how this got in with the Murphy's Laws, but...
Not sure how this got in with the Murphy's Laws, but...
tude
If I get any more pissed off than I already am, I'm going to end up blowing this board up again.
I'm doing my best not to. Keeping trying to keep in mind that they're assholes... that they don't care... that they don't matter.
Sort of applies all the way around, with very few exceptions. "They" could be the board members... or my "family" (with the exception of you , S., of course).
Neighbors kept their noise going until 4AM, again. Earplugs and turning on the fan didn't even drown it out. I'm very sleepy, and that doesn't help my crankiness. Change of weather... holiday... not drinking... just the fact that I'm a loony toon... it all adds up to a very nasty mood.
I'm supposed to work out today. Even that's making me cranky. It's a sort of "what's the point?" thing.
I'm tired.
I'm doing my best not to. Keeping trying to keep in mind that they're assholes... that they don't care... that they don't matter.
Sort of applies all the way around, with very few exceptions. "They" could be the board members... or my "family" (with the exception of you , S., of course).
Neighbors kept their noise going until 4AM, again. Earplugs and turning on the fan didn't even drown it out. I'm very sleepy, and that doesn't help my crankiness. Change of weather... holiday... not drinking... just the fact that I'm a loony toon... it all adds up to a very nasty mood.
I'm supposed to work out today. Even that's making me cranky. It's a sort of "what's the point?" thing.
I'm tired.
(at the next one?)
I hope you all make it this year, I really want to meet you. This time I'm coming up to the room to meet you. That way I know I won't miss you in the crowd.
There'd have to be considerable planning involved with that. Both of us are rather testy about our room (one of the reasons we started sharing a room in the first place).
If there's no "party room" this year, it's probably best we meet at dinner first. That's why I wanted to meet you this past year in the food court. My/our room and room number is supposed to stay obnoxiously private. Speaking for myself, there are very few people I can tolerate in my space. It's nothing personal, it's just my own crap.
The best way would be to meet you in a common area, then take it from there. If we arrange a dinner again this year (which I'm hoping to do), that would be an ideal place to meet up.
There have been many previous topics about the whole social interaction thing... I'm not going to comb the archives for them, and I don't expect you to either. I'll leave it at...
I'm a very private person and a "control freak" when it comes to my space. Never assume, always ask... and try not to take it personal. It's my shit, not your being that's the issue.
There'd have to be considerable planning involved with that. Both of us are rather testy about our room (one of the reasons we started sharing a room in the first place).
If there's no "party room" this year, it's probably best we meet at dinner first. That's why I wanted to meet you this past year in the food court. My/our room and room number is supposed to stay obnoxiously private. Speaking for myself, there are very few people I can tolerate in my space. It's nothing personal, it's just my own crap.
The best way would be to meet you in a common area, then take it from there. If we arrange a dinner again this year (which I'm hoping to do), that would be an ideal place to meet up.
There have been many previous topics about the whole social interaction thing... I'm not going to comb the archives for them, and I don't expect you to either. I'll leave it at...
I'm a very private person and a "control freak" when it comes to my space. Never assume, always ask... and try not to take it personal. It's my shit, not your being that's the issue.
Hello (11) - 3
The tv noise didn't stop until after 4AM.
I'm barely awake.
Dead board pissing me off.
Think I'll have to sleep more before working out.
I'm barely awake.
Dead board pissing me off.
Think I'll have to sleep more before working out.
Tuesday, November 25, 2003
Hello (11) - 2
My appointment was canceled. Of course, I found this out while walking out the door.
I feel annoyed, even though it was canceled for good reason. Just trying to get through the urge to drink. :\
I feel annoyed, even though it was canceled for good reason. Just trying to get through the urge to drink. :\
"Old" Music (4)
The Stray Cats
ok, so I had a thing.
I guess it was '83 - '84.
Although it was no fun finding out that hair products and I just do not mix, I guess I had to find out somehow... and it was a cool do for a little while. My failed attempts at looking like Lee Rocker aside though...
Music-wise?
It's the funnest music around. It'll snap me out of a rotten mood in a minute. Doesn't help with not drinking though. *lol*
Long live being a tattooed, smokin', leather jacket wearin', whiskey drinkin' fool!
ok, so I had a thing.
I guess it was '83 - '84.
Although it was no fun finding out that hair products and I just do not mix, I guess I had to find out somehow... and it was a cool do for a little while. My failed attempts at looking like Lee Rocker aside though...
Music-wise?
It's the funnest music around. It'll snap me out of a rotten mood in a minute. Doesn't help with not drinking though. *lol*
Long live being a tattooed, smokin', leather jacket wearin', whiskey drinkin' fool!
Hello (11) - 1
I went to sleep about 1AM, but was up every hour. :\ I forced myself to get out of bed before 10, but I could have gone back to sleep.
Monday, November 24, 2003
"New" Music - (4)
Eyehategod
Well, to me it's "new". For me, pre 1992 is old, post 1992 is new. They've been around since '88, but I've never listened to them before, so I'll call them new. "Punk" and "Hardcore" bands that formed after 1986 are all but completely alien to me. Too, many that were around before 1986 I never heard of. If they didn't hit Philly, have an album one of my friend's owned, or get mega air play on the local college radio stations at the time, I wouldn't have heard of them.
I really like the music, but the lead vocals? Ummm... sort of reminds me of bands like Bad Brains or The Germs... brings to mind sounds of puking. Not that it's a bad thing, just not my preferred vocal style. I do like the music though.
Well, to me it's "new". For me, pre 1992 is old, post 1992 is new. They've been around since '88, but I've never listened to them before, so I'll call them new. "Punk" and "Hardcore" bands that formed after 1986 are all but completely alien to me. Too, many that were around before 1986 I never heard of. If they didn't hit Philly, have an album one of my friend's owned, or get mega air play on the local college radio stations at the time, I wouldn't have heard of them.
I really like the music, but the lead vocals? Ummm... sort of reminds me of bands like Bad Brains or The Germs... brings to mind sounds of puking. Not that it's a bad thing, just not my preferred vocal style. I do like the music though.
"New" Music - (3)
"Godsmack" was a song on Alice In Chain's Dirt album. ;)
"Bad Religion" is a song on Godsmack's "All Wound Up..." album. *lol*
This could be a fun game.
"Bad Religion" is a song on Godsmack's "All Wound Up..." album. *lol*
This could be a fun game.
War Stats
It's tough to know what to believe. I guess that unless you're over there, you don't really know what it's like. That's a lot of dead people though... quite a few more than say, the WTC thingee. Puts what they must be feeling towards us in another perspective. In September of 2001, we were ready to nuke the bastards responsible (emotionally speaking). I suppose this is like 9/01 for many of them... times 4. We kill about 8,000 Iraqis because we disagree with their lifestyle?
I dunno. I can't say that I care for their lifestyle, generally speaking, but I don't know that killing that many people will convince them that there are other, more fun lifestyles. In fact, I think that what we're doing over there is actually creating more terrorists. (Can you imagine the residual effects of this crap on the kids over there?)
I dunno. I can't say that I care for their lifestyle, generally speaking, but I don't know that killing that many people will convince them that there are other, more fun lifestyles. In fact, I think that what we're doing over there is actually creating more terrorists. (Can you imagine the residual effects of this crap on the kids over there?)
(monkey doo)
(to S.)
There are 2 ways to approach "triggers" (things that set you off). You can avoid them entirely, resulting in becoming a lawn ornament, or you can see them as challenges.
I have a book I'm going to have to lend you, about the whole warrior thing. It's been a long time since I've read it, but from what I can recall, it touches on some things that you might find nutritious.
We may not be shit tossing primates in the literal sense anymore, but there are still some basic instincts left in us. Instead of the enemy being a person or an attacking bear, the enemy is a crowded room or a job interview.
The "peaceful warrior" book was pretty ok... it serves its purpose... contains some tasty brain food... but, the whole "let it go" mentality isn't very attainable for people like us who are full of rage. Without a channel, we just end up sick and paralyzed.
I have my own struggles. I'm not there yet, but I can try to toss things your way that I've picked up. I don't know all the answers, but I'm pretty sure I can tell what has been negative and positive in my own path walking.
It's a long journey... but... it might be worth it.
There are 2 ways to approach "triggers" (things that set you off). You can avoid them entirely, resulting in becoming a lawn ornament, or you can see them as challenges.
I have a book I'm going to have to lend you, about the whole warrior thing. It's been a long time since I've read it, but from what I can recall, it touches on some things that you might find nutritious.
We may not be shit tossing primates in the literal sense anymore, but there are still some basic instincts left in us. Instead of the enemy being a person or an attacking bear, the enemy is a crowded room or a job interview.
The "peaceful warrior" book was pretty ok... it serves its purpose... contains some tasty brain food... but, the whole "let it go" mentality isn't very attainable for people like us who are full of rage. Without a channel, we just end up sick and paralyzed.
I have my own struggles. I'm not there yet, but I can try to toss things your way that I've picked up. I don't know all the answers, but I'm pretty sure I can tell what has been negative and positive in my own path walking.
It's a long journey... but... it might be worth it.
(from "Hello (10)") IX
I was really NOT ready to get up. The bass demanded it though. :\
I'm trying to decrease the sugar... trying to go under a teaspoon per cup. The milk too.
Tomorrow is my new weigh-in day. I was 147.5 this morning. Not good. I was 147 last week. I might have to stop with the scale. It's making me too nuts. Maybe a monthly weigh-in? I'm going to think on it.
I'm trying to decrease the sugar... trying to go under a teaspoon per cup. The milk too.
Tomorrow is my new weigh-in day. I was 147.5 this morning. Not good. I was 147 last week. I might have to stop with the scale. It's making me too nuts. Maybe a monthly weigh-in? I'm going to think on it.
(from "Hello (10)") VIII
I don't know whether I'm more sleepy or hungry. :\
I think that I only did about 1400 calories. I'm guessing 2 cups of milk, that's 300. The sandwiches were 820 total. Then 70 for the V8, another 80 for the egg, and maybe another 100 or so for the sugar.
So why the fuck am I still at 150 lbs?
BAD scale! BAD BAD!!!
think I should eat some raisins.
I think that I only did about 1400 calories. I'm guessing 2 cups of milk, that's 300. The sandwiches were 820 total. Then 70 for the V8, another 80 for the egg, and maybe another 100 or so for the sugar.
So why the fuck am I still at 150 lbs?
BAD scale! BAD BAD!!!
think I should eat some raisins.
Sunday, November 23, 2003
another day...
Listening to The Butthole Surfers... Electric Larryland. Pretty good shtuff.
Pretty bummed out this morning. The usual. I get up in an ok mood, then go to the board, and within minutes, feel like crap. It's the whole "people don't care" thing, I suppose. Someone shows up, "help me! help me!". With pleasure! They're nowhere to be found, of course, when anyone else needs anything. People suck, this I know, but it still smarts.
I wanted this (private) section to be different. I wanted this section to be about all posts being replied to by everyone... about having one section open to people where you don't feel like you're talking to yourself... one section where it feels like people actually do care. I'm still hoping for that. I wanted the whole board to be like that, but I had to give up on that delusion a LONG time ago. People don't care... not in the way I need them to. It'll always feel that way, no matter what. One of the byproducts of having parents who don't care... you look everywhere for caring, not realizing that if you only got it from your folks, you wouldn't need it. If your parents really love you, you can take on the world. If they don't, you spend your life sucking people dry looking for that love... and once you've sucked everyone dry, there's nothing left... and you starve.
My battery has a leak.
I don't know how much longer I can keep doing this online board thing. I've done it for 4 and a half years. It all ties into my life, I suppose. If I could get out of the damn house, it wouldn't be such a need. If I had a family, it wouldn't be such a need. If I could work, it wouldn't be such a need. That's not the case though... and so, I NEED this stupid board.
If I wanted to talk to myself, I could start one of those online journals... or just write in a notebook, like I used to before this whole Internet thing.
I wonder, did I need this Internet thing, or did I develop a dependency for it after I clicked "connect" for the first time?
I went online after leaving town. While I was in town, I was anti-internet. The result? I'm becoming even more anti-internet. The only thing this thing is any good for is information access. In 4 years, I've met only a few people I consider to be worth the aggravation of this medium.
Dragon Con 2004. As much as I know I'll enjoy it, it has to be my last (unless I hit the lottery). How many of those people in the South have come up North? I've taken at least half a dozen trips down there. Then there are the people who have talked about it for YEARS... and they can't manage? YEARS and you can't save up the money and clear your schedule? Well, that just SCREAMS "I care!", doesn't it? I can just visit A2 for about 1/10th the price. True, we won't have the excitement of the Con, but so fucking what? We can dress her mom up like Godzilla and get her to do Riverdance!
I need to go back home. I need to drop this Internet thing. I need to live, or die trying.
Pretty bummed out this morning. The usual. I get up in an ok mood, then go to the board, and within minutes, feel like crap. It's the whole "people don't care" thing, I suppose. Someone shows up, "help me! help me!". With pleasure! They're nowhere to be found, of course, when anyone else needs anything. People suck, this I know, but it still smarts.
I wanted this (private) section to be different. I wanted this section to be about all posts being replied to by everyone... about having one section open to people where you don't feel like you're talking to yourself... one section where it feels like people actually do care. I'm still hoping for that. I wanted the whole board to be like that, but I had to give up on that delusion a LONG time ago. People don't care... not in the way I need them to. It'll always feel that way, no matter what. One of the byproducts of having parents who don't care... you look everywhere for caring, not realizing that if you only got it from your folks, you wouldn't need it. If your parents really love you, you can take on the world. If they don't, you spend your life sucking people dry looking for that love... and once you've sucked everyone dry, there's nothing left... and you starve.
My battery has a leak.
I don't know how much longer I can keep doing this online board thing. I've done it for 4 and a half years. It all ties into my life, I suppose. If I could get out of the damn house, it wouldn't be such a need. If I had a family, it wouldn't be such a need. If I could work, it wouldn't be such a need. That's not the case though... and so, I NEED this stupid board.
If I wanted to talk to myself, I could start one of those online journals... or just write in a notebook, like I used to before this whole Internet thing.
I wonder, did I need this Internet thing, or did I develop a dependency for it after I clicked "connect" for the first time?
I went online after leaving town. While I was in town, I was anti-internet. The result? I'm becoming even more anti-internet. The only thing this thing is any good for is information access. In 4 years, I've met only a few people I consider to be worth the aggravation of this medium.
Dragon Con 2004. As much as I know I'll enjoy it, it has to be my last (unless I hit the lottery). How many of those people in the South have come up North? I've taken at least half a dozen trips down there. Then there are the people who have talked about it for YEARS... and they can't manage? YEARS and you can't save up the money and clear your schedule? Well, that just SCREAMS "I care!", doesn't it? I can just visit A2 for about 1/10th the price. True, we won't have the excitement of the Con, but so fucking what? We can dress her mom up like Godzilla and get her to do Riverdance!
I need to go back home. I need to drop this Internet thing. I need to live, or die trying.
(from "Hello (10)") VII
Was up until about 3. Didn't sleep well. Fucking asshole kids woke me up.
Oh yay. A dead board.
My life is complete.
Oh yay. A dead board.
My life is complete.
Saturday, November 22, 2003
Setting Goals
For me, it's not the easiest thing in the world to do. My head isn't consistent enough. It's not an issue of determination or skill, or even desire. I can get from point A to point B... it's just staying there that's the problem.
My current goal is to save up for Dragon Con, and get in better shape. So far, it's going ok. Some days are rough, some days the fire is so hot under my butt that I contemplate stuffing my underwear with oven mitts.
The main goal... my lifetime goal and focus is to not kill myself and not kill anyone else. That always has to be my first priority. It probably sounds simple enough to the average person... but... it's not, not for me. Many days, my life has to be lived moment to moment. Setting any sort of long-term goal is more of a crap shoot. No matter what the long-term goal, it becomes impossible on almost a daily basis. I eventually get there, judging from the past, but it's a bumpy ride and once there, it has a shelf life.
I'm doing my best to get to Dragon Con. I'm doing my best to get myself in better physical shape. I do my best every day. I'll get there.
but... then what?
What next?
What happens after Dragon Con?
There's no way I want to do this again. It's not that I don't want to go to Dragon Con again, it's that I don't want to go through hell to get there. I had help this year. Amtrak sent vouchers because last year's trip was so hellish. Even with that help, though, it's insane. Financially, it's insane, and even sort of stupid. Trying to get into good physical shape isn't easy when you can't afford food!
That aside, I can't continue to live like this. Some people think they're isolated. My human contact consists of seeing my therapist once a week and my bro sometimes once a week, sometimes once every other week. I also see the people at the convenience store when I stop there after my session, the people at the food store when my bro takes me, and occasionally a neighbor when I pop my head out the door to scream at them or take my trash out. THAT'S IT.
I've always been "social"... always had people around me. Hardcore... Punk Rock... Party Party Party... Barfly... Drink Drink Drink...
As much as I hate them, I need people. I'm starving.
I have to get out of here... this fucked up bumfucked suburb.
I have city in my blood. It's my damn territory. I don't belong here. These past few years have been HELL.
Life or death... do you want to kill yourself living or live dying?
It's going to be a long winter.
My current goal is to save up for Dragon Con, and get in better shape. So far, it's going ok. Some days are rough, some days the fire is so hot under my butt that I contemplate stuffing my underwear with oven mitts.
The main goal... my lifetime goal and focus is to not kill myself and not kill anyone else. That always has to be my first priority. It probably sounds simple enough to the average person... but... it's not, not for me. Many days, my life has to be lived moment to moment. Setting any sort of long-term goal is more of a crap shoot. No matter what the long-term goal, it becomes impossible on almost a daily basis. I eventually get there, judging from the past, but it's a bumpy ride and once there, it has a shelf life.
I'm doing my best to get to Dragon Con. I'm doing my best to get myself in better physical shape. I do my best every day. I'll get there.
but... then what?
What next?
What happens after Dragon Con?
There's no way I want to do this again. It's not that I don't want to go to Dragon Con again, it's that I don't want to go through hell to get there. I had help this year. Amtrak sent vouchers because last year's trip was so hellish. Even with that help, though, it's insane. Financially, it's insane, and even sort of stupid. Trying to get into good physical shape isn't easy when you can't afford food!
That aside, I can't continue to live like this. Some people think they're isolated. My human contact consists of seeing my therapist once a week and my bro sometimes once a week, sometimes once every other week. I also see the people at the convenience store when I stop there after my session, the people at the food store when my bro takes me, and occasionally a neighbor when I pop my head out the door to scream at them or take my trash out. THAT'S IT.
I've always been "social"... always had people around me. Hardcore... Punk Rock... Party Party Party... Barfly... Drink Drink Drink...
As much as I hate them, I need people. I'm starving.
I have to get out of here... this fucked up bumfucked suburb.
I have city in my blood. It's my damn territory. I don't belong here. These past few years have been HELL.
Life or death... do you want to kill yourself living or live dying?
It's going to be a long winter.
"New" Music - (2)
Godsmack
thinks they're Alice In Chains, especially the singer dude, but I actually sort of like them. The guitar is pretty cool. I like bass-heavy guitar.
thinks they're Alice In Chains, especially the singer dude, but I actually sort of like them. The guitar is pretty cool. I like bass-heavy guitar.
Our Body Challenge (2)
Picked up an issue of Muscle & Fitness yesterday. It's a pretty good magazine. WAY too many ads, but pretty good anyway. There are even recipes in there. :D
Friday, November 21, 2003
(Required service?)
You want the rights and priveldges of being a citizen, then you should do two years of public and national service in order to earn those rights.
Not to be a nitpicker, but we don't all get the same rights and/or privileges, whether we're willing to serve or not.
Not to be a nitpicker, but we don't all get the same rights and/or privileges, whether we're willing to serve or not.
On Same Sex Marriages
It would be so much easier to just make marriage have nothing to do with the Government all the way around. No one gets tax breaks, no one gets anything. If you want to assign POA, do so. If you want to share bills, go for it. If you want to share a health insurance plan, why not? If you want a church ceremony, knock yourself out. What marriage has to do with Government, I have no idea. It's just one more way to reward people for being "morally correct" according to the Church. It's a Church and State issue... and the two don't belong together in this country.
(just today's opinion)
(fear)
At some point, even those of us made of steel get scared. I don't know why... but it seems to coincide with becoming an adult. Maybe it's a fear of jail that first starts it out. It's tough to tell for me... 18 happened right after I was released from lock up, so it's a chicken/egg sort of thing.
It could also be a fear of death... but I'm not sure.
I can say that I want to be able to get back to the point of feeling (almost) invincible. Life was much more exciting.
Maybe that's one of the reasons I've been doing this whole work out thing. More armor.
It's not so much about trying to recapture my youth, but attempting to recapture my strength. I want to go from shell shock back to soldier.
It could also be a fear of death... but I'm not sure.
I can say that I want to be able to get back to the point of feeling (almost) invincible. Life was much more exciting.
Maybe that's one of the reasons I've been doing this whole work out thing. More armor.
It's not so much about trying to recapture my youth, but attempting to recapture my strength. I want to go from shell shock back to soldier.
(On taking things personally.)
It makes me nuts too sometimes... I feel like if I post what I need to, people will feel hurt that I didn't reply to them first.
What I can say about this section is sort of what I meant by calling it my "cell". Try to relax in here. (That goes for all of us.) Do what you need to do for yourself, in so far as venting goes. In so far as replies are concerned, well, the posts aren't going anywhere.
Maybe I should come up with an emoticon that means "read, wish my thoughts could magically form words, and I'm here". Sometimes I use
to mean that. I don't do "hugs", but if I were next to the person and had a stuffed grover, I'd be able to show some sort of concern... even if I didn't know what to say or do.
It's a tough situation. I know that it feels bad when I open up and no one replies... but then, half the time when people do reply, what they write bugs the shit out of me anyway. I can only guess that the reverse is true... and so I stress about it. I don't want to write something gratuitous or lame, but if I don't reply at all, they'll think that I don't care.
Not that I am one, but being a "good listener" is not an appreciated skill online. :\
Think I'll stick with Grover.
What I can say about this section is sort of what I meant by calling it my "cell". Try to relax in here. (That goes for all of us.) Do what you need to do for yourself, in so far as venting goes. In so far as replies are concerned, well, the posts aren't going anywhere.
Maybe I should come up with an emoticon that means "read, wish my thoughts could magically form words, and I'm here". Sometimes I use
to mean that. I don't do "hugs", but if I were next to the person and had a stuffed grover, I'd be able to show some sort of concern... even if I didn't know what to say or do.It's a tough situation. I know that it feels bad when I open up and no one replies... but then, half the time when people do reply, what they write bugs the shit out of me anyway. I can only guess that the reverse is true... and so I stress about it. I don't want to write something gratuitous or lame, but if I don't reply at all, they'll think that I don't care.
Not that I am one, but being a "good listener" is not an appreciated skill online. :\
Think I'll stick with Grover.
Thursday, November 20, 2003
My nephew
Fucking freaks me out, looking at my nephew. We're a lot alike, from what I hear... but when I look at him, and see that "family" resemblance... just fucks with my head.
Sometimes I want to say that it's my loss... that my not being allowed to know him has completely taken something away from me that I might have benefited from. Then, some days I see it as his loss. Either way, it hurts intensely.
Sometimes I want to say that it's my loss... that my not being allowed to know him has completely taken something away from me that I might have benefited from. Then, some days I see it as his loss. Either way, it hurts intensely.
(from "Hello (10)") V, VI
11:49 AM
Had nightmares... The last one was about being in a falling elevator with a bunch of people.
The neighbor's tv didn't stop until at least 4. Earplugs don't work, and they hurt my ears.
Hopefully this day will be ok.
7:59 PM
I want to post, but my brain is still doing something along the lines of fssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
static in the attic.
Had nightmares... The last one was about being in a falling elevator with a bunch of people.
The neighbor's tv didn't stop until at least 4. Earplugs don't work, and they hurt my ears.
Hopefully this day will be ok.
7:59 PM
I want to post, but my brain is still doing something along the lines of fssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
static in the attic.
Wednesday, November 19, 2003
(from "Hello (10)") IV
I'm pretty messy. frozen, I guess. I've barely moved from this chair since 9AM... moving icons around, drinking coffee, smoking
I think I'm pretty frozen
I think I'm pretty frozen
(Where Am I?)
Along with sucking at E-mail...
Not only do IMs make my computer go bonkers, but I prefer the phone if I'm gonna do "real time". Chats are the same. I'm not good with things that require continuous focus like that. (I'm so bad at it that I created a board! *lol*)
Occasionally I'll go into the chat, and I turn my IM on every few days to check for messages, but generally speaking, I don't do either one.
I just seem to need things to feel less obligatory, I suppose. With posting, I can do it when I'm in the right head space, and stop mid sentence if I have to. There's also a neato "edit" option for when I trip over my fingers.
Not only do IMs make my computer go bonkers, but I prefer the phone if I'm gonna do "real time". Chats are the same. I'm not good with things that require continuous focus like that. (I'm so bad at it that I created a board! *lol*)
Occasionally I'll go into the chat, and I turn my IM on every few days to check for messages, but generally speaking, I don't do either one.
I just seem to need things to feel less obligatory, I suppose. With posting, I can do it when I'm in the right head space, and stop mid sentence if I have to. There's also a neato "edit" option for when I trip over my fingers.
Tuesday, November 18, 2003
Battle Fatigue
Part of my "early childhood development" occured in Israel. From late 1973 through early 1975, that's where I lived. Basically, ages 4-5.
1974, apparently, was not a good year to be a child in Israel. Not that it's ever a good time to live in the middle east.
I can step back from it and say... "wow, that sort of environment would really mess with a child's head, especially if they go from American society, to Israeli society for a year and a half of crucial development time, and then back to American Society." Then I realize that I'm basically living proof of that statement. True, there are a zillion other factors which contributed to my fucked-upness, but 1973-5 Israel is a big one.
I never felt that I could relate to people I met who were "abuse survivors" in the same way I could relate to Veterans. I guess that it makes sense. I just don't have any stripes for my service. Just the ones I put there with razor blades, I suppose.
1974, apparently, was not a good year to be a child in Israel. Not that it's ever a good time to live in the middle east.
I can step back from it and say... "wow, that sort of environment would really mess with a child's head, especially if they go from American society, to Israeli society for a year and a half of crucial development time, and then back to American Society." Then I realize that I'm basically living proof of that statement. True, there are a zillion other factors which contributed to my fucked-upness, but 1973-5 Israel is a big one.
I never felt that I could relate to people I met who were "abuse survivors" in the same way I could relate to Veterans. I guess that it makes sense. I just don't have any stripes for my service. Just the ones I put there with razor blades, I suppose.
Monday, November 17, 2003
(from "Hello (10)") I-III
11:48 AM
I'm definitely going to try to nap before working out. I feel like crap. Stayed up watching a movie, then Bass-Man was at it, then dreamt about D. (icing on the cake :\).
I'm really tired.
I had red hair in my dream... pretty weird.
3:58 PM
Complete waste. Me, a pack of smokes, and my DragonCon money just spent an hour outside because the fire alarm went off.
Still smells like burnt bacon, but they couldn't find the source.
woohoo.
Maybe I'll work out at 5?
11:07 PM
...my head is back and forth between utter despair and humming.
Must be Thanksgiving... or Christmas... or Fire day...
Gotta love life
I'm definitely going to try to nap before working out. I feel like crap. Stayed up watching a movie, then Bass-Man was at it, then dreamt about D. (icing on the cake :\).
I'm really tired.
I had red hair in my dream... pretty weird.
3:58 PM
Complete waste. Me, a pack of smokes, and my DragonCon money just spent an hour outside because the fire alarm went off.
Still smells like burnt bacon, but they couldn't find the source.
woohoo.
Maybe I'll work out at 5?
11:07 PM
...my head is back and forth between utter despair and humming.
Must be Thanksgiving... or Christmas... or Fire day...
Gotta love life
PhD paper
Just sent this off to someone doing a paper in Australia (per her request, of course). Just wanted to post it.
I'm not certain if this is what you're looking for... but I'll do my best to explain this DID thing, in my own words, and how it's currently effecting me.
_________________________________________________________________________________
The biggest issue... the greatest challenge to being dissociative is time. It's not so much knowing who you are, but when you are. A second ago feels like 15 years ago, and 15 years ago feels like a second ago. It's confusing... scary... and often very painful. It's not the hardest thing being 5 years old. It's much more difficult feeling that it's 1974 while the rest of the world is in the year 2003. The world can be pretty overwhelming... and the people you think should be there are long gone. It's like being stuck in a bad time travel movie, I guess.
After working on this DID thing for about 10 years, I'm getting to the point where "we" are learning not to close off to one another. That is to say, I try to always be aware of the fact that there are others... that I will dissociate... that what I perceive to be "reality" will shift.
I make a conscious effort to say "I", even when I'm thinking "we". It's out of respect for others around me (I don't want to confuse them), and it is to let people know that I'm not going to hurt them and then shirk the responsibility. Am I any less part of a "system" of "I"s? I don't think so... but it depends on when you ask "me". The DID way: We're not all at the same level of awareness, in so far as the system is concerned. The non-DID way: I'm often doubtful. Sometimes I think that I'm part of a system of people, sometimes I think that I'm just prone to delusion.
When things get rough, I try to see it as a "spiritual" condition. There are many spirits and one body. We have to share everything... including the brain. I have to do what's best for myself. I have to do what I can to stay alive, keep the body healthy, and be as strong as I can be so that life is a little less difficult for the other spirits. The way I see it, if we all do that, then things go a little smoother for everyone. "We" try to work as a sort of "democracy" (at least, those of us who are aware of others in the system do)... and see one another as friends or family. Sometimes we don't get along, but at the root of it is a common goal and ties that bind.
Is it working? I don't know. I'm still unable to hold down a job. I still "lose time". I still have things which make life hell, like paranoia, flashbacks, "hyper-vigilance" to sound, sleep disorders, and paralyzing panic attacks... but... I'm still alive and not locked up against my will. It's job #1 and 2... Don't kill yourself. Don't kill anyone else. Everything else comes after that. Not the most enjoyable way to live, but it's the only way I can live. It's my full time job... and it's not easy. I think that most people take things like getting out of bed in the morning for granted. They don't realize that for some people, it actually takes more energy and focus to do that than it does for the average person to work an 8 hour day.
I don't know that I'll ever be "functional" like other people seem to be. What I'm trying to do, for now, is to take baby steps. Work on myself... try and do things that will allow me to be (or at least feel) useful to others. Some days are good, other days are not.
"I" live moment to moment.
_________________________________________________________________________________
going to send this now. I've been at this for over an hour, (to say nothing of the 4 or 5 days from when I originally received it)... prime example of how DID makes my life hell.
I'm not certain if this is what you're looking for... but I'll do my best to explain this DID thing, in my own words, and how it's currently effecting me.
_________________________________________________________________________________
The biggest issue... the greatest challenge to being dissociative is time. It's not so much knowing who you are, but when you are. A second ago feels like 15 years ago, and 15 years ago feels like a second ago. It's confusing... scary... and often very painful. It's not the hardest thing being 5 years old. It's much more difficult feeling that it's 1974 while the rest of the world is in the year 2003. The world can be pretty overwhelming... and the people you think should be there are long gone. It's like being stuck in a bad time travel movie, I guess.
After working on this DID thing for about 10 years, I'm getting to the point where "we" are learning not to close off to one another. That is to say, I try to always be aware of the fact that there are others... that I will dissociate... that what I perceive to be "reality" will shift.
I make a conscious effort to say "I", even when I'm thinking "we". It's out of respect for others around me (I don't want to confuse them), and it is to let people know that I'm not going to hurt them and then shirk the responsibility. Am I any less part of a "system" of "I"s? I don't think so... but it depends on when you ask "me". The DID way: We're not all at the same level of awareness, in so far as the system is concerned. The non-DID way: I'm often doubtful. Sometimes I think that I'm part of a system of people, sometimes I think that I'm just prone to delusion.
When things get rough, I try to see it as a "spiritual" condition. There are many spirits and one body. We have to share everything... including the brain. I have to do what's best for myself. I have to do what I can to stay alive, keep the body healthy, and be as strong as I can be so that life is a little less difficult for the other spirits. The way I see it, if we all do that, then things go a little smoother for everyone. "We" try to work as a sort of "democracy" (at least, those of us who are aware of others in the system do)... and see one another as friends or family. Sometimes we don't get along, but at the root of it is a common goal and ties that bind.
Is it working? I don't know. I'm still unable to hold down a job. I still "lose time". I still have things which make life hell, like paranoia, flashbacks, "hyper-vigilance" to sound, sleep disorders, and paralyzing panic attacks... but... I'm still alive and not locked up against my will. It's job #1 and 2... Don't kill yourself. Don't kill anyone else. Everything else comes after that. Not the most enjoyable way to live, but it's the only way I can live. It's my full time job... and it's not easy. I think that most people take things like getting out of bed in the morning for granted. They don't realize that for some people, it actually takes more energy and focus to do that than it does for the average person to work an 8 hour day.
I don't know that I'll ever be "functional" like other people seem to be. What I'm trying to do, for now, is to take baby steps. Work on myself... try and do things that will allow me to be (or at least feel) useful to others. Some days are good, other days are not.
"I" live moment to moment.
_________________________________________________________________________________
going to send this now. I've been at this for over an hour, (to say nothing of the 4 or 5 days from when I originally received it)... prime example of how DID makes my life hell.
Sunday, November 16, 2003
Dragon Con 2004 (w/A2 - 10)
ok...Time until August 31, 2004, at 7:43:00 PM(UTC time)
288 days
6935 hours
416117 minutes
24967071 seconds
Alternative version
It is 288 days, 23 hours, 17 minutes and 51 seconds until August 31, 2004, at 7:43:00 PM(UTC time)
but... to put that in perspective...
I've been alive 12476 days, 14 hours, 20 minutes and 12 seconds! (Or 1077978012 seconds or 17966300 minutes or 299438 hours)
288 days
6935 hours
416117 minutes
24967071 seconds
Alternative version
It is 288 days, 23 hours, 17 minutes and 51 seconds until August 31, 2004, at 7:43:00 PM(UTC time)
but... to put that in perspective...
I've been alive 12476 days, 14 hours, 20 minutes and 12 seconds! (Or 1077978012 seconds or 17966300 minutes or 299438 hours)
(On Avatars)
...same as with tattoos, I don't get tired of the ones I have as much as I just want to add to them. I guess my bio is an example of that. If I could, I'd use them all. They all still fit perfectly.
Saturday, November 15, 2003
(from "Hello (9)") X
fucked myself
...So much for having a "cell".
Now I'm going to have to watch everything I say in there.
FUCK
Guess I'll be adding another section... an invisible one... invite only.
...So much for having a "cell".
Now I'm going to have to watch everything I say in there.
FUCK
Guess I'll be adding another section... an invisible one... invite only.
Paranoia
Want to write about paranoia and closets.
Can't get my thoughts together at the moment... but I want to write about the realities of them...
Can't get my thoughts together at the moment... but I want to write about the realities of them...
(not related to my board)
DO I HAVE AN INVISIBLE SIGN ON MY CYBER-HEAD THAT SAYS FUCK WITH ME?????
Primates. They think they have the right to throw their feces at people whenever they feel like it.
Primates. They think they have the right to throw their feces at people whenever they feel like it.
(No Pain, well...no pain.)
(from a conversation with Sv about Martial Arts)
I certainly put the two and two together, but I didn't want to make too many assumptions. I think we talked about this before (online)... about feeling sexually charged from fighting... or was it hunting (difference?).
It just makes me think more about the whole sexual power exchange thing... about whether or not it really does vary person to person, or whether it's just fact that tops feel vulnerable on a daily basis and bottoms feel in control. I think I read a book, maybe sometime in the early 90s, about S&M in everyday life. I don't know why I'm thinking that Pat Califia had something to do with it, but... it's also simple logic, I think. The bedroom is "private"... where most can allow themselves to do things they're not free to do on a daily basis. Despite all the arguments I've heard, I've never met someone who indulged in SM/BD who didn't have power issues outside the bedroom.
From my perspective, as a (most always) "top", it's a game I'm, in truth, playing with myself. It's more... how far can I go and still stop myself from crossing the line. It's more myself that I'm topping. It could be anyone there with me... it doesn't really matter. They're nothing. (blunt, but honest) It's about how cruel I can become before I have to give in to that inherent ("human"(?)) need to be kind.
If I apply that to what a (usually) bottom might be going through on a mental level... it could be, how "low" can I go before I have to come back up. (?) How powerless can I allow myself to be before I have to give into that inherent ("human"(?)) need for control. (?) (Leads to a whole Were vs. Human in SM/BD discussion, but I don't know that this topic is the place.)
That in mind... training the way you are... does it apply in reverse? Is it... almost a revenge (for lack of a better word) type of thing? (I'll get you for rubbing my face in the dirt!) The street experience affects the bedroom brain... does the bedroom experience not affect the street brain? Does what you experience sexually end up motivating you athletically? Does it become that "bounce back"? Are you, in a way, kicking the shit out of that guy who rubbed your face in the dirt the night before, as well as charging yourself up for your next experience?
I certainly put the two and two together, but I didn't want to make too many assumptions. I think we talked about this before (online)... about feeling sexually charged from fighting... or was it hunting (difference?).
It just makes me think more about the whole sexual power exchange thing... about whether or not it really does vary person to person, or whether it's just fact that tops feel vulnerable on a daily basis and bottoms feel in control. I think I read a book, maybe sometime in the early 90s, about S&M in everyday life. I don't know why I'm thinking that Pat Califia had something to do with it, but... it's also simple logic, I think. The bedroom is "private"... where most can allow themselves to do things they're not free to do on a daily basis. Despite all the arguments I've heard, I've never met someone who indulged in SM/BD who didn't have power issues outside the bedroom.
From my perspective, as a (most always) "top", it's a game I'm, in truth, playing with myself. It's more... how far can I go and still stop myself from crossing the line. It's more myself that I'm topping. It could be anyone there with me... it doesn't really matter. They're nothing. (blunt, but honest) It's about how cruel I can become before I have to give in to that inherent ("human"(?)) need to be kind.
If I apply that to what a (usually) bottom might be going through on a mental level... it could be, how "low" can I go before I have to come back up. (?) How powerless can I allow myself to be before I have to give into that inherent ("human"(?)) need for control. (?) (Leads to a whole Were vs. Human in SM/BD discussion, but I don't know that this topic is the place.)
That in mind... training the way you are... does it apply in reverse? Is it... almost a revenge (for lack of a better word) type of thing? (I'll get you for rubbing my face in the dirt!) The street experience affects the bedroom brain... does the bedroom experience not affect the street brain? Does what you experience sexually end up motivating you athletically? Does it become that "bounce back"? Are you, in a way, kicking the shit out of that guy who rubbed your face in the dirt the night before, as well as charging yourself up for your next experience?
(from "Hello (9)") IX
Shot went pretty good. It was the end of one bottle and beginning of the next, so I got to play mad scientist with the needle tips. It always goes A LOT better if the needle is fresh. The rubber in the top dulls it. I should just use two tips every time I do it, but that wastes a needle, or makes it twice as expensive. :\
I don't know when I'll get to working out. Right now it looks like maybe noon... but we'll see. :\
I don't know when I'll get to working out. Right now it looks like maybe noon... but we'll see. :\
Friday, November 14, 2003
(Martial Arts Mastery)
I suppose that there's some comfort in knowing that you can kill, even without a pencil. Although, I think that there's a little to be said for the ability to just die with grace as well.
Thursday, November 13, 2003
Flashbacks
sometimes it's so hard to tell the difference
I suppose it makes sense... If you're dissociated for years, then all the years feel the same
Was all over the place today... Mid 70's, I think... then a while in 1984 and 5... a bit in the early 90's
Sometimes it's moments, other times it can be days
When I'm back I feel sadness
Funny... when I was there, I don't think that I really wanted to be
Hindsight is always 20/20
and you always idealize and forget the trauma
or do you?
I don't know
I don't know where my feelings come from
What the fuck ever possessed them to record "Muskrat Love"?
How fucking stupid was that song?
It's good that it's there... reminds people of the reason behind The Ramones.
I suppose it makes sense... If you're dissociated for years, then all the years feel the same
Was all over the place today... Mid 70's, I think... then a while in 1984 and 5... a bit in the early 90's
Sometimes it's moments, other times it can be days
When I'm back I feel sadness
Funny... when I was there, I don't think that I really wanted to be
Hindsight is always 20/20
and you always idealize and forget the trauma
or do you?
I don't know
I don't know where my feelings come from
What the fuck ever possessed them to record "Muskrat Love"?
How fucking stupid was that song?
It's good that it's there... reminds people of the reason behind The Ramones.
Wednesday, November 12, 2003
If I could have (a vent)
I would have posted these as rules on the board I just quit:
1. You (and You plural) have either one or two names that are acceptable for use on this board. Your ONE screen name, and your legal name.
2. No "child speak". If you can turn on the computer, find the site, login, and type for your child alters, you can spell and form sentences for them too.
3. Be responsible for your system. "He did it." or "She did it." doesn't cut it. If your name is on the post, YOU (plural) did it.
4. Don't expect people to remember you and all of your alters' names. It's tough enough keeping track of one screen name, let alone a screen name and 37 billion alters' names. Always refer to other alters in your system making sure to note that they are one of your alters.
5. Don't use the board to talk amongst yourselves. You have plenty of word processing programs on your computer for that.
6. If you're not DIAGNOSED DID, don't claim to have it.
7. Don't be defensive. Let people express themselves without them having to fear that someone might take it personally.
8. If you attack someone on the board, you're banned.
9. Don't use this board to figure out whether or not you have DID. If you're not diagnosed, the answer (at least for the moment) is NO.
10. If you don't have DID or are a support person for someone who does have it, get the fuck off of this board.
1. You (and You plural) have either one or two names that are acceptable for use on this board. Your ONE screen name, and your legal name.
2. No "child speak". If you can turn on the computer, find the site, login, and type for your child alters, you can spell and form sentences for them too.
3. Be responsible for your system. "He did it." or "She did it." doesn't cut it. If your name is on the post, YOU (plural) did it.
4. Don't expect people to remember you and all of your alters' names. It's tough enough keeping track of one screen name, let alone a screen name and 37 billion alters' names. Always refer to other alters in your system making sure to note that they are one of your alters.
5. Don't use the board to talk amongst yourselves. You have plenty of word processing programs on your computer for that.
6. If you're not DIAGNOSED DID, don't claim to have it.
7. Don't be defensive. Let people express themselves without them having to fear that someone might take it personally.
8. If you attack someone on the board, you're banned.
9. Don't use this board to figure out whether or not you have DID. If you're not diagnosed, the answer (at least for the moment) is NO.
10. If you don't have DID or are a support person for someone who does have it, get the fuck off of this board.
Re: Frozen
I'm feeling a little less frosty today... but a little overwhelmed. I'm supposed to reply to a couple of e-mails, and just the thought of it is making me want to hide. I really don't know what my deal is with e-mail... I think it's the length of them. I can do brief, but with long letters (and even posts), I lose focus. Unless I'm the one typing the long post or e-mail, I mean. It's replying to it that gets me... not reading it. I don't know... something about feeling obligated and being repeatedly questioned? I can't figure it out... I just know that I completely suck with e-mail. Every now and again I can pull one off, and then I'm screwed because the person thinks I can do that all the time... then they expect it... then they take it personal when I can't.
(The insane rain. - 2)
-Come on up here. We're already getting snow.
Well, New England is up there on my list of places I'd consider moving to. I don't know about Vermont specifically, but I am a Penguin, after all. ;)
Well, New England is up there on my list of places I'd consider moving to. I don't know about Vermont specifically, but I am a Penguin, after all. ;)
Re: Obsession
I have to say that I get TV obsessions. My current one is SVU, and I've seen every episode of ER ever made (at least once, some of them 4 or 5 times). I also watch The Daily Show loyally.
I think that if I had the money, I'd buy all the Oz episodes... and I'd get HBO so that I could faithfully watch 6 Feet Under.
There was also StarTrek TNG, and Quantum Leap... and there was Beauty and the Beast... and there was a show called Friday the 13th (I think that's what it was called... it was about these people who worked in an antique store and kept getting haunted objects, or something like that).
I don't know that my TV obsessions count as real obsessions though. I don't really think about the shows when I'm not watching them... just make sure to remember that they're going to be on.
I used to get obsessed over people... but it's been a long time since that has happened. Being obsessed over people is dangerous though. TV can't hurt you, and even the let downs are only slightly annoying. People can cause some serious damage if you bring them in too close. I suppose that's why a lot of people obsess over movie stars and the like. It's safe and there's a lot less of a chance of ending up hurt or let down. There's also less obligation... you don't really have to be there for the person. You can do no wrong and neither can they. ...you don't have to pick up their socks or carry their purse or smell their stink when they put off yet another shower.
It can get lonely though.
I think that if I had the money, I'd buy all the Oz episodes... and I'd get HBO so that I could faithfully watch 6 Feet Under.
There was also StarTrek TNG, and Quantum Leap... and there was Beauty and the Beast... and there was a show called Friday the 13th (I think that's what it was called... it was about these people who worked in an antique store and kept getting haunted objects, or something like that).
I don't know that my TV obsessions count as real obsessions though. I don't really think about the shows when I'm not watching them... just make sure to remember that they're going to be on.
I used to get obsessed over people... but it's been a long time since that has happened. Being obsessed over people is dangerous though. TV can't hurt you, and even the let downs are only slightly annoying. People can cause some serious damage if you bring them in too close. I suppose that's why a lot of people obsess over movie stars and the like. It's safe and there's a lot less of a chance of ending up hurt or let down. There's also less obligation... you don't really have to be there for the person. You can do no wrong and neither can they. ...you don't have to pick up their socks or carry their purse or smell their stink when they put off yet another shower.
It can get lonely though.
Tuesday, November 11, 2003
Frozen
Some days are better than others. Today I feel frozen. I'm cold because I can't use my heat. I dealt last Winter... I can deal this one... but that's not what's freezing me, at the moment.
I don't know what it is. I go on some sort of overload if I have to deal with more than one thing a day. Today I was supposed to work out, and then get to my shrink session. I've yet to work out. In fact, I've yet to do anything. I haven't even turned on the tv. I've played game after game of Minesweeper, only half caring whether or not I win. I've watched people come and go on the board. I hid in bed from the cold for a little while.
I haven't eaten. I drank a few cups of coffee, and had a protein shake about an hour ago.
I can't even get myself to the point of scraping the fuzz off of my face or getting into the shower.
My head is noisy... music and mumbling. The only outside noise is the sound of the ceramic space heater I just turned on.
Life feels abstract.
I don't know what it is. I go on some sort of overload if I have to deal with more than one thing a day. Today I was supposed to work out, and then get to my shrink session. I've yet to work out. In fact, I've yet to do anything. I haven't even turned on the tv. I've played game after game of Minesweeper, only half caring whether or not I win. I've watched people come and go on the board. I hid in bed from the cold for a little while.
I haven't eaten. I drank a few cups of coffee, and had a protein shake about an hour ago.
I can't even get myself to the point of scraping the fuzz off of my face or getting into the shower.
My head is noisy... music and mumbling. The only outside noise is the sound of the ceramic space heater I just turned on.
Life feels abstract.
(from "Hello (9)") VI-VII
this is me... not working out. *lol*
I added a new section. I guess we'll see how it goes.
4:09 pm
Still haven't worked out.
I feel frozen. Literally and figuratively. I spent the last hour or so hiding in bed. It's fucking cold in here.
I don't know what to do. I can't manage to get things moving. I can't even manage to shave my damn face.
I fucking hate when this happens.
I added a new section. I guess we'll see how it goes.
4:09 pm
Still haven't worked out.
I feel frozen. Literally and figuratively. I spent the last hour or so hiding in bed. It's fucking cold in here.
I don't know what to do. I can't manage to get things moving. I can't even manage to shave my damn face.
I fucking hate when this happens.
(DID drama - II)
Well, she made the private section go bye-bye for me.
not even a fucking e-mail!
This is me... completely over that shit.
not even a fucking e-mail!
This is me... completely over that shit.
(My yearbook?)
I still have mine as well. Cracks me up... a Xeroxed bunch of pages bound by a plastic thingee. How many in our graduating class? 10?
I quit
the DID board I was moderating. I didn't do too badly though... lasted over there for quite a few months. I think I do much better when I can run things myself though. Not everyone has the time I do... or the "respect" and "privacy" quirks that I have. As well, not everyone has a complete intolerance of "fakers" and "Role Player" types. How infuriating though... people pretending to have the disorder that has made my adult life so fucking hellish... and I was supposed to be nice to these people? Ummm.... no way.
Ah well... that just frees up more of my time to lose my shit here at home.
Ah well... that just frees up more of my time to lose my shit here at home.
Monday, November 10, 2003
(on reclaiming "Queer")
I'd agree that it does have to do with who is saying it and why, but only to a point. I have to admit that no matter who is saying it, unless they're Queer themself, there's a little twinge or sting in the back of my mind.
"Queer" still means "different from the norm" or "odd". It depends on the day... sometimes I can be "proud" of being "different", and then other times it doesn't feel so good. Marginalized.
I think that although reclamation of the word is important, it's right up there with the "N" word for me. It should only be used by people who are actually Gay, Lesbian, Bi/Pan, or Trans. It doesn't matter that it actually once meant simply "odd". It was a word that was used as a weapon for a long time. I've heard many people defend themselves by explaining that the "N" word means "ignorant" too.
I don't know... to me, unless it's a person who is Gay, Lesbian, Bi/Pan, or Trans themself, the word still stings... at least a little.
"Queer" still means "different from the norm" or "odd". It depends on the day... sometimes I can be "proud" of being "different", and then other times it doesn't feel so good. Marginalized.
I think that although reclamation of the word is important, it's right up there with the "N" word for me. It should only be used by people who are actually Gay, Lesbian, Bi/Pan, or Trans. It doesn't matter that it actually once meant simply "odd". It was a word that was used as a weapon for a long time. I've heard many people defend themselves by explaining that the "N" word means "ignorant" too.
I don't know... to me, unless it's a person who is Gay, Lesbian, Bi/Pan, or Trans themself, the word still stings... at least a little.
(Movie Ticket - 4)
I still want to see the fishy movie!
I'm going to keep sulking about it until I finally get to see it.
I hear that there are some family members of mine in the film.
I'm going to keep sulking about it until I finally get to see it.
I hear that there are some family members of mine in the film.
So far... (4)
Still tossing ideas around in my head about another section. Been thinking about the whole religion thing a lot. I did a reading on Samhain, and my "concentration card" was the 10 of Swords. Been reflecting on that and think that I might understand it a bit. I was asking about people's definitions of what a "calling" is... and then I started thinking about the card... My thought was that maybe what "triggers" us, what really sends us off into some other place... maybe that's what a calling is. Something you have no choice about... something you cannot ignore. It's not necessarily something you like, or want to do... it's something you have no control over... something that you have to answer.
My biggest trigger? The bible. Bible thumpers. The patronizing and proselytizing, brainwashed, sheep-like people. That's my 10 of Swords. That's my "Nightmare". That's what sends me right over the edge.
My thought was then... perhaps I should let myself go over that edge. Perhaps that edge is merely a bridge. Perhaps, as with many others in my life, this fear is there to conquer, not to run or hide from. It's myself I fear... a part of myself. It's what is in the brain... It is what I think might make me insane.
...I'm rambling.
This leg of my path started the day I first went online. It started with the word "Vampire" being typed into a computer. The blood is the life, yes?
I'm still rambling.
I'll stop.
but I'm still thinking.
My biggest trigger? The bible. Bible thumpers. The patronizing and proselytizing, brainwashed, sheep-like people. That's my 10 of Swords. That's my "Nightmare". That's what sends me right over the edge.
My thought was then... perhaps I should let myself go over that edge. Perhaps that edge is merely a bridge. Perhaps, as with many others in my life, this fear is there to conquer, not to run or hide from. It's myself I fear... a part of myself. It's what is in the brain... It is what I think might make me insane.
...I'm rambling.
This leg of my path started the day I first went online. It started with the word "Vampire" being typed into a computer. The blood is the life, yes?
I'm still rambling.
I'll stop.
but I'm still thinking.
(from "Hello (9)") V
I feel like I actually worked out yesterday. (we really need to find a smiley in pain)
Sunday, November 9, 2003
(DID drama -I)
I just quit.
The fucking twit, E., used my name on the board.
I can't be around people who can't respect my privacy when I ask them to.
I'm almost through shaking.
The fucking twit, E., used my name on the board.
I can't be around people who can't respect my privacy when I ask them to.
I'm almost through shaking.
So far... (3)
Well, now that the library is done, I can start thinking about the next section. I'm also considering something "religion" specific, either along with or opposed to the "dark" section. Tossing a lot of things around in my noggin.
I'm open to ideas.
I'm open to ideas.
(re: John and The Beatles)
Music is a good thing like that... helps us get through things.
When John died, I was about 11. He was the first "obsession" of mine. (I wanted to be Ringo when I was about 6, but that's another story.) John was the first person I latched onto as a sort of "teacher".
I once said, "We create our own Gods. We call them "role models"." When we have abusive people around us, we look elsewhere for salvation, so to speak.
I can honestly think of worse Gods than The Beatles.
Hey, all you need is love.
When John died, I was about 11. He was the first "obsession" of mine. (I wanted to be Ringo when I was about 6, but that's another story.) John was the first person I latched onto as a sort of "teacher".
I once said, "We create our own Gods. We call them "role models"." When we have abusive people around us, we look elsewhere for salvation, so to speak.
I can honestly think of worse Gods than The Beatles.
Hey, all you need is love.
Saturday, November 8, 2003
11/8/03 11:30 am
Although I don't support Priests (or Nuns) being married or having life partners, I don't think that a person's sexual preference has any bearing on whether or not someone is cut out to be clergy. I think that many in the GLBT community desperately need the Church, and for those in that community, having openly Gay clergy might be a plus. It might make the Church seem a little less like a hostile environment.
5:26pm -
just a note:
I don't think that Priests should remain celibate, just unmarried and childless.
5:26pm -
just a note:
I don't think that Priests should remain celibate, just unmarried and childless.
(from "Hello (9)") II
Well, I tried to go to bed... but then "Deliverance" came on.
I was up 'til about 3. :\
I was up 'til about 3. :\
Friday, November 7, 2003
Yeah, but I can do 20 push ups. (3)
Today, Mr. S. - bro took me to the Walmart. I got some weights.
I only got about 100 or so pounds, but for right now, it's plenty.
I can do 5 dumbell curls with 25 lbs. So... that's my start point. (I was practicing with cases of beer ;))
Gotta turn these skinny arms of mine into something a little more substantial. (I only want to add about 3 inches or so. *lol*
If this goes well, I'll shoot for getting a bench. I'm just not going to put out $400 if I'm not going to keep up with it. (I've got a hotel room to save up for!)
So... here I go... stage 2 of the rebuilding of Jon.
(I'll relocate that 6 pack yet!
)
I only got about 100 or so pounds, but for right now, it's plenty.
I can do 5 dumbell curls with 25 lbs. So... that's my start point. (I was practicing with cases of beer ;))
Gotta turn these skinny arms of mine into something a little more substantial. (I only want to add about 3 inches or so. *lol*
If this goes well, I'll shoot for getting a bench. I'm just not going to put out $400 if I'm not going to keep up with it. (I've got a hotel room to save up for!)
So... here I go... stage 2 of the rebuilding of Jon.
(I'll relocate that 6 pack yet!
)
(A personal link? 1)
I used to have a home page, but not any more. :( The closest I have to a home page online is this page:
a sort of bio
...it's pretty long, but it says a lot about me.
I suppose that my board is my website.
a sort of bio
...it's pretty long, but it says a lot about me.
I suppose that my board is my website.
Thursday, November 6, 2003
Dragon Con (Board gathering) - 5
I have on the Music Choice Soft Rock station... and guess what just came on? *lol*
go Barry!
go Barry!
(Tattoos!! - IV)
I passed on the body grafitti. My body isn't a bathroom stall door. - CB
I don't see my body as a "bathroom stall door". It's rather upsetting that you perceive people who get tattoos that way.
Perhaps you'd feel that way if you were to get one. I can respect that. It feels to me that you don't realize not everyone feels that way though. Getting tattooed is not "destructive" to most most people, in fact, it's seen as "creative".
More importantly though, I don't know if you realize that saying things like that can really hurt people's feelings. It comes across as you looking down on people, and that can really hurt if they call you "friend".
I don't see my body as a "bathroom stall door". It's rather upsetting that you perceive people who get tattoos that way.
Perhaps you'd feel that way if you were to get one. I can respect that. It feels to me that you don't realize not everyone feels that way though. Getting tattooed is not "destructive" to most most people, in fact, it's seen as "creative".
More importantly though, I don't know if you realize that saying things like that can really hurt people's feelings. It comes across as you looking down on people, and that can really hurt if they call you "friend".
(Dark Entertainment News... - III)
Just now clicked on a link for Rod Roddy (10/28/03).
I think this information needs to be put out there more.
Quote:
Breast cancer, although typically associated with women, is diagnosed in about 1,500 American men a year, Roddy said in that interview: "To everybody out there, 'Get a mammogram!' It can happen to men, too."
I think this information needs to be put out there more.
Your Calling (1)
I suppose this is a "spiritual" question...
Have you ever felt "called" to do something? (If so, what, and did you answer that call?)
sub-question:
How can you tell the difference between a "calling" and a "whim" or "hunch"?
Have you ever felt "called" to do something? (If so, what, and did you answer that call?)
sub-question:
How can you tell the difference between a "calling" and a "whim" or "hunch"?
(Tattoos!! - III)
I'm getting the itch pretty badly.
That's one thing they should have at Dragon Con... an on site tattoo artist.
It's been way too long.
That's one thing they should have at Dragon Con... an on site tattoo artist.
It's been way too long.
Dragon Con (Board gathering) - 4
Well, the memberships are bought, as are the train tickets. Well, we still have to secure A2's ticket to Trenton, but our ride to and from Trenton to Atlanta is taken care of. :D
...I don't know about 2005. This isn't easy... the money end of things... and that's putting it lightly. Maybe if 2005 in Atlanta isn't possible, we can consider a Yankee Con. Maybe just a weekend in New England. ;)
...I don't know about 2005. This isn't easy... the money end of things... and that's putting it lightly. Maybe if 2005 in Atlanta isn't possible, we can consider a Yankee Con. Maybe just a weekend in New England. ;)
(from "Hello (8)")
That was a ridiculous attempt at sleep.
The music didn't stop until about 3 or 4.
I'm still tired, but I know that if I go back to sleep, I'll screw myself up for tonight, and then the whole (quasi)schedule thing is off.
I think ER will be either taped, or watched in bed.
The music didn't stop until about 3 or 4.
I'm still tired, but I know that if I go back to sleep, I'll screw myself up for tonight, and then the whole (quasi)schedule thing is off.
I think ER will be either taped, or watched in bed.
Wednesday, November 5, 2003
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
