My nephew (part 2)

Not knowing him hurts. The fact that I'm an "it" to him simply makes me suicidal.

It's tough to keep perspective... to remember that he's a person... that he has his own mind, and if he thinks that way, he's not worth knowing. It's tough not seeing him as "my nephew". It'd be a lot easier to be able to just see him as some kid.

I may be an "it", honey, but half of you came from that same tree.

I suppose that's what it's all about... fear... and the inability to face oneself. Guilt by association... guilt by relation...

Psychobabble aside though, it feels like shit.

"Old" Music (6)

I like Crowded House a lot.


Brian Setzer. *thumbs up*

Hello (11) - 11, 12

2:24 PM

- i'm retaining water

---

3:05 PM

well... bathing is on my agenda...


- noooooooo

---

Under my clothing... (2)

Height: 65.5 inches
Weight: 146 pounds

(in inches)
-------------
wrist: 6.25
neck: 14.5
chest: 35.5
waist: 33.5
hip: 36
bicep: 12
forearm: 10.5
thigh: 21.5
calf: 14


3 inches and 10 pounds

How u b? (2)

Still sort of waking up...

Had some funky dreams last night. The night before last (or was it yesterday's nap?) it was snow, and last night was tidal waves. Must be natural disaster week or something. It also had something to do with me losing my shoes... and these two women... and this Vampire type of group that lived in the basement in this house... and drugs... Towards when I woke up, I was at a package pick up place... my new shoes had arrived. They were moccasins, actually... the ones I lost and the new ones. (Also the ones on my feet right now. (They're fairly new) I really like these things.

It was really an odd dream. Some of it, like trying to run from the waves, was scary. During that is where I met the first woman though... and then, although stressful, things started to feel more exciting.

It was one of those dreams where you wake up and wish you could go back to whatever world it was.

Hello (11) - 8-10

what a messed up day. :\

Gonna hide in bed for a bit.

---

9:01 PM
I'm feeling pretty testy...

---

9:46 PM
My food isn't going to be done until 10:30. (Hopefully that will help with cranky. :\)

---

10:38 PM
It's a rough time of year, for both of us. I do know that. Let's just try to keep our lines of communication open so that neither one of us ends up feeling bad.

I'll be in SVU land for the rest of the night. I'll probably eat in about half an hour. (it's taking longer to cook because it's a thicker piece of meat than I usually get :\)

-i weigh 10 pounds. you know that, right? ten. ten pounds. and i live right at Jon's waist line. got that? 10 pounds... and 3 inches at the waist. pay no attention to the man behind that curtain! ten pounds!!! ten!...

a few things

1. The board is now closed to lurkers

2. My new page

3. I posted the link at Classmates

4. I need a beer

5. The bass man is at it BIG TIME

6. So much for the good measurements tomorrow

How u b? (1)

Just felt like starting a thread. It's a place to say hello, I guess.

Just spent some time looking for ways to repair carpets. Seems I dropped my cigarette at some point last night or this morning. I hate when I do that.

Something tells me I'm not going to get my deposit back, if I ever move out of here.

Some holidays

suck worse than others.

another one

Well, I made it through. Spent hours with my neighbor and her family and friends. Drank a lot. Took some Xanax. Took a walk. Talked to my friend, K., for a while.

I made it through.

I feel like complete crap today. I have the shakes pretty badly.

My neighbor asked me to stop by for Christmas. I might. I don't think that I'll drink though... if I can manage not to.

I have a "seizure disorder". Close enough to my actual diagnosis. My brain is damaged. I have "seizures" that I can't control. They don't have to know my history.

Hello (11) - 6,7

Going next door in a few.

wish me luck :(

---

=====================================================
(edited for content 2/24/09 - FR)
=====================================================

---

10:20 PM
I'm kinda foggy.

Hope to go to bed soon.

Stifling anything profound.

The last Thursday

I hate this holiday. I hate most holidays. This one makes me more bitter than most. Then, I spend all day beating myself up about being bitter. Such a "feel good" day this is.

One big FUCK YOU goes out to the assholes who share my DNA.

I'm thankful for A2, and for my brother in Mackerelhood, S. I'm thankful for L., who I get to see every few months. I'm thankful for the section 8 housing program. I'm thankful that I was blessed with a good amount of restraint and self control, otherwise I'd be locked up. I'm thankful for my computer. I'm thankful for SSD. I'm thankful for football. I'm thankful for a lot of things, really. I'm thankful every day.


Today, there are MANY people who should be thankful that I do have restraint and don't have a firearm.

Maybe they'll remember to be thankful for that before eating their turkey, which I honestly hope tastes like shit.

Hello (11) - 5

He sent me a 4 page Word document.

What a fucking prick.

of all the days...

Hello (11) - 4

I'm not even going to deal with CB's post tonight. Maybe in the morning. *rolls eyes*

Gonna go shoot space monsters and wait for my dishes to dry so that I can do the rest.

thanks for avoiding the alien comment.

(A Murphy's Law?)

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you ever tried.

Not sure how this got in with the Murphy's Laws, but...

tude

If I get any more pissed off than I already am, I'm going to end up blowing this board up again.

I'm doing my best not to. Keeping trying to keep in mind that they're assholes... that they don't care... that they don't matter.

Sort of applies all the way around, with very few exceptions. "They" could be the board members... or my "family" (with the exception of you , S., of course).

Neighbors kept their noise going until 4AM, again. Earplugs and turning on the fan didn't even drown it out. I'm very sleepy, and that doesn't help my crankiness. Change of weather... holiday... not drinking... just the fact that I'm a loony toon... it all adds up to a very nasty mood.

I'm supposed to work out today. Even that's making me cranky. It's a sort of "what's the point?" thing.

I'm tired.

(at the next one?)

I hope you all make it this year, I really want to meet you. This time I'm coming up to the room to meet you. That way I know I won't miss you in the crowd.

There'd have to be considerable planning involved with that. Both of us are rather testy about our room (one of the reasons we started sharing a room in the first place).

If there's no "party room" this year, it's probably best we meet at dinner first. That's why I wanted to meet you this past year in the food court. My/our room and room number is supposed to stay obnoxiously private. Speaking for myself, there are very few people I can tolerate in my space. It's nothing personal, it's just my own crap.

The best way would be to meet you in a common area, then take it from there. If we arrange a dinner again this year (which I'm hoping to do), that would be an ideal place to meet up.

There have been many previous topics about the whole social interaction thing... I'm not going to comb the archives for them, and I don't expect you to either. I'll leave it at...

I'm a very private person and a "control freak" when it comes to my space. Never assume, always ask... and try not to take it personal. It's my shit, not your being that's the issue.

Hello (11) - 3

The tv noise didn't stop until after 4AM.

I'm barely awake.

Dead board pissing me off.

Think I'll have to sleep more before working out.

Hello (11) - 2

My appointment was canceled. Of course, I found this out while walking out the door.

I feel annoyed, even though it was canceled for good reason. Just trying to get through the urge to drink. :\

"Old" Music (5)

...and, of course, the natural progression from The Stray Cats is to X.

"Old" Music (4)

The Stray Cats

ok, so I had a thing.
I guess it was '83 - '84.

Although it was no fun finding out that hair products and I just do not mix, I guess I had to find out somehow... and it was a cool do for a little while. My failed attempts at looking like Lee Rocker aside though...
Music-wise?


It's the funnest music around. It'll snap me out of a rotten mood in a minute. Doesn't help with not drinking though. *lol*

Long live being a tattooed, smokin', leather jacket wearin', whiskey drinkin' fool!

Hello (11) - 1

I went to sleep about 1AM, but was up every hour. :\ I forced myself to get out of bed before 10, but I could have gone back to sleep.

"New" Music - (4)

Eyehategod

Well, to me it's "new". For me, pre 1992 is old, post 1992 is new. They've been around since '88, but I've never listened to them before, so I'll call them new. "Punk" and "Hardcore" bands that formed after 1986 are all but completely alien to me. Too, many that were around before 1986 I never heard of. If they didn't hit Philly, have an album one of my friend's owned, or get mega air play on the local college radio stations at the time, I wouldn't have heard of them.

I really like the music, but the lead vocals? Ummm... sort of reminds me of bands like Bad Brains or The Germs... brings to mind sounds of puking. Not that it's a bad thing, just not my preferred vocal style. I do like the music though.

"New" Music - (3)

"Godsmack" was a song on Alice In Chain's Dirt album. ;)


"Bad Religion" is a song on Godsmack's "All Wound Up..." album. *lol*

This could be a fun game.

War Stats

It's tough to know what to believe. I guess that unless you're over there, you don't really know what it's like. That's a lot of dead people though... quite a few more than say, the WTC thingee. Puts what they must be feeling towards us in another perspective. In September of 2001, we were ready to nuke the bastards responsible (emotionally speaking). I suppose this is like 9/01 for many of them... times 4. We kill about 8,000 Iraqis because we disagree with their lifestyle?

I dunno. I can't say that I care for their lifestyle, generally speaking, but I don't know that killing that many people will convince them that there are other, more fun lifestyles. In fact, I think that what we're doing over there is actually creating more terrorists. (Can you imagine the residual effects of this crap on the kids over there?)

(monkey doo)

(to S.)

There are 2 ways to approach "triggers" (things that set you off). You can avoid them entirely, resulting in becoming a lawn ornament, or you can see them as challenges.

I have a book I'm going to have to lend you, about the whole warrior thing. It's been a long time since I've read it, but from what I can recall, it touches on some things that you might find nutritious.

We may not be shit tossing primates in the literal sense anymore, but there are still some basic instincts left in us. Instead of the enemy being a person or an attacking bear, the enemy is a crowded room or a job interview.

The "peaceful warrior" book was pretty ok... it serves its purpose... contains some tasty brain food... but, the whole "let it go" mentality isn't very attainable for people like us who are full of rage. Without a channel, we just end up sick and paralyzed.

I have my own struggles. I'm not there yet, but I can try to toss things your way that I've picked up. I don't know all the answers, but I'm pretty sure I can tell what has been negative and positive in my own path walking.

It's a long journey... but... it might be worth it.

(from "Hello (10)") IX

I was really NOT ready to get up. The bass demanded it though. :\

I'm trying to decrease the sugar... trying to go under a teaspoon per cup. The milk too.

Tomorrow is my new weigh-in day. I was 147.5 this morning. Not good. I was 147 last week. I might have to stop with the scale. It's making me too nuts. Maybe a monthly weigh-in? I'm going to think on it.

(from "Hello (10)") VIII

I don't know whether I'm more sleepy or hungry. :\

I think that I only did about 1400 calories. I'm guessing 2 cups of milk, that's 300. The sandwiches were 820 total. Then 70 for the V8, another 80 for the egg, and maybe another 100 or so for the sugar.

So why the fuck am I still at 150 lbs?


BAD scale! BAD BAD!!!


think I should eat some raisins.

"Old" Music (3)

New York Dolls *thumbs up*

another day...

Listening to The Butthole Surfers... Electric Larryland. Pretty good shtuff.

Pretty bummed out this morning. The usual. I get up in an ok mood, then go to the board, and within minutes, feel like crap. It's the whole "people don't care" thing, I suppose. Someone shows up, "help me! help me!". With pleasure! They're nowhere to be found, of course, when anyone else needs anything. People suck, this I know, but it still smarts.

I wanted this (private) section to be different. I wanted this section to be about all posts being replied to by everyone... about having one section open to people where you don't feel like you're talking to yourself... one section where it feels like people actually do care. I'm still hoping for that. I wanted the whole board to be like that, but I had to give up on that delusion a LONG time ago. People don't care... not in the way I need them to. It'll always feel that way, no matter what. One of the byproducts of having parents who don't care... you look everywhere for caring, not realizing that if you only got it from your folks, you wouldn't need it. If your parents really love you, you can take on the world. If they don't, you spend your life sucking people dry looking for that love... and once you've sucked everyone dry, there's nothing left... and you starve.

My battery has a leak.

I don't know how much longer I can keep doing this online board thing. I've done it for 4 and a half years. It all ties into my life, I suppose. If I could get out of the damn house, it wouldn't be such a need. If I had a family, it wouldn't be such a need. If I could work, it wouldn't be such a need. That's not the case though... and so, I NEED this stupid board.

If I wanted to talk to myself, I could start one of those online journals... or just write in a notebook, like I used to before this whole Internet thing.

I wonder, did I need this Internet thing, or did I develop a dependency for it after I clicked "connect" for the first time?

I went online after leaving town. While I was in town, I was anti-internet. The result? I'm becoming even more anti-internet. The only thing this thing is any good for is information access. In 4 years, I've met only a few people I consider to be worth the aggravation of this medium.

Dragon Con 2004. As much as I know I'll enjoy it, it has to be my last (unless I hit the lottery). How many of those people in the South have come up North? I've taken at least half a dozen trips down there. Then there are the people who have talked about it for YEARS... and they can't manage? YEARS and you can't save up the money and clear your schedule? Well, that just SCREAMS "I care!", doesn't it? I can just visit A2 for about 1/10th the price. True, we won't have the excitement of the Con, but so fucking what? We can dress her mom up like Godzilla and get her to do Riverdance!

I need to go back home. I need to drop this Internet thing. I need to live, or die trying.

"Old" Music (2)

Bad Religion. *thumbs up*

(from "Hello (10)") VII

Was up until about 3. Didn't sleep well. Fucking asshole kids woke me up.


Oh yay. A dead board.

My life is complete.

Setting Goals

For me, it's not the easiest thing in the world to do. My head isn't consistent enough. It's not an issue of determination or skill, or even desire. I can get from point A to point B... it's just staying there that's the problem.

My current goal is to save up for Dragon Con, and get in better shape. So far, it's going ok. Some days are rough, some days the fire is so hot under my butt that I contemplate stuffing my underwear with oven mitts.

The main goal... my lifetime goal and focus is to not kill myself and not kill anyone else. That always has to be my first priority. It probably sounds simple enough to the average person... but... it's not, not for me. Many days, my life has to be lived moment to moment. Setting any sort of long-term goal is more of a crap shoot. No matter what the long-term goal, it becomes impossible on almost a daily basis. I eventually get there, judging from the past, but it's a bumpy ride and once there, it has a shelf life.

I'm doing my best to get to Dragon Con. I'm doing my best to get myself in better physical shape. I do my best every day. I'll get there.

but... then what?

What next?

What happens after Dragon Con?

There's no way I want to do this again. It's not that I don't want to go to Dragon Con again, it's that I don't want to go through hell to get there. I had help this year. Amtrak sent vouchers because last year's trip was so hellish. Even with that help, though, it's insane. Financially, it's insane, and even sort of stupid. Trying to get into good physical shape isn't easy when you can't afford food!

That aside, I can't continue to live like this. Some people think they're isolated. My human contact consists of seeing my therapist once a week and my bro sometimes once a week, sometimes once every other week. I also see the people at the convenience store when I stop there after my session, the people at the food store when my bro takes me, and occasionally a neighbor when I pop my head out the door to scream at them or take my trash out. THAT'S IT.

I've always been "social"... always had people around me. Hardcore... Punk Rock... Party Party Party... Barfly... Drink Drink Drink...

As much as I hate them, I need people. I'm starving.

I have to get out of here... this fucked up bumfucked suburb.

I have city in my blood. It's my damn territory. I don't belong here. These past few years have been HELL.

Life or death... do you want to kill yourself living or live dying?


It's going to be a long winter.

"New" Music - (2)

Godsmack

thinks they're Alice In Chains, especially the singer dude, but I actually sort of like them. The guitar is pretty cool. I like bass-heavy guitar.

Our Body Challenge (2)

Picked up an issue of Muscle & Fitness yesterday. It's a pretty good magazine. WAY too many ads, but pretty good anyway. There are even recipes in there. :D

(Required service?)

You want the rights and priveldges of being a citizen, then you should do two years of public and national service in order to earn those rights.


Not to be a nitpicker, but we don't all get the same rights and/or privileges, whether we're willing to serve or not.

On Same Sex Marriages

It would be so much easier to just make marriage have nothing to do with the Government all the way around. No one gets tax breaks, no one gets anything. If you want to assign POA, do so. If you want to share bills, go for it. If you want to share a health insurance plan, why not? If you want a church ceremony, knock yourself out. What marriage has to do with Government, I have no idea. It's just one more way to reward people for being "morally correct" according to the Church. It's a Church and State issue... and the two don't belong together in this country.

(just today's opinion)

(Dark Entertainment News... - V)

Gene Anthony Ray

---

Oh my GOD! LEROY?!!!!?



:(

(fear)

At some point, even those of us made of steel get scared. I don't know why... but it seems to coincide with becoming an adult. Maybe it's a fear of jail that first starts it out. It's tough to tell for me... 18 happened right after I was released from lock up, so it's a chicken/egg sort of thing.

It could also be a fear of death... but I'm not sure.

I can say that I want to be able to get back to the point of feeling (almost) invincible. Life was much more exciting.

Maybe that's one of the reasons I've been doing this whole work out thing. More armor.

It's not so much about trying to recapture my youth, but attempting to recapture my strength. I want to go from shell shock back to soldier.

(On taking things personally.)

It makes me nuts too sometimes... I feel like if I post what I need to, people will feel hurt that I didn't reply to them first.

What I can say about this section is sort of what I meant by calling it my "cell". Try to relax in here. (That goes for all of us.) Do what you need to do for yourself, in so far as venting goes. In so far as replies are concerned, well, the posts aren't going anywhere.

Maybe I should come up with an emoticon that means "read, wish my thoughts could magically form words, and I'm here". Sometimes I use to mean that. I don't do "hugs", but if I were next to the person and had a stuffed grover, I'd be able to show some sort of concern... even if I didn't know what to say or do.

It's a tough situation. I know that it feels bad when I open up and no one replies... but then, half the time when people do reply, what they write bugs the shit out of me anyway. I can only guess that the reverse is true... and so I stress about it. I don't want to write something gratuitous or lame, but if I don't reply at all, they'll think that I don't care.

Not that I am one, but being a "good listener" is not an appreciated skill online. :\

Think I'll stick with Grover.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE!?!?!

I really hate my neighbors.

(snapping)

Just had to yell at the kids in the building. I'm now shaking violently.

My nephew

Fucking freaks me out, looking at my nephew. We're a lot alike, from what I hear... but when I look at him, and see that "family" resemblance... just fucks with my head.

Sometimes I want to say that it's my loss... that my not being allowed to know him has completely taken something away from me that I might have benefited from. Then, some days I see it as his loss. Either way, it hurts intensely.

(from "Hello (10)") V, VI

11:49 AM
Had nightmares... The last one was about being in a falling elevator with a bunch of people.

The neighbor's tv didn't stop until at least 4. Earplugs don't work, and they hurt my ears.

Hopefully this day will be ok.

---

7:59 PM
I want to post, but my brain is still doing something along the lines of fssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss


static in the attic.

(from "Hello (10)") IV

I'm pretty messy. frozen, I guess. I've barely moved from this chair since 9AM... moving icons around, drinking coffee, smoking

I think I'm pretty frozen

(Where Am I?)

Along with sucking at E-mail...

Not only do IMs make my computer go bonkers, but I prefer the phone if I'm gonna do "real time". Chats are the same. I'm not good with things that require continuous focus like that. (I'm so bad at it that I created a board! *lol*)

Occasionally I'll go into the chat, and I turn my IM on every few days to check for messages, but generally speaking, I don't do either one.

I just seem to need things to feel less obligatory, I suppose. With posting, I can do it when I'm in the right head space, and stop mid sentence if I have to. There's also a neato "edit" option for when I trip over my fingers.

Battle Fatigue

Part of my "early childhood development" occured in Israel. From late 1973 through early 1975, that's where I lived. Basically, ages 4-5.

1974, apparently, was not a good year to be a child in Israel. Not that it's ever a good time to live in the middle east.

I can step back from it and say... "wow, that sort of environment would really mess with a child's head, especially if they go from American society, to Israeli society for a year and a half of crucial development time, and then back to American Society." Then I realize that I'm basically living proof of that statement. True, there are a zillion other factors which contributed to my fucked-upness, but 1973-5 Israel is a big one.

I never felt that I could relate to people I met who were "abuse survivors" in the same way I could relate to Veterans. I guess that it makes sense. I just don't have any stripes for my service. Just the ones I put there with razor blades, I suppose.

(from "Hello (10)") I-III

11:48 AM
I'm definitely going to try to nap before working out. I feel like crap. Stayed up watching a movie, then Bass-Man was at it, then dreamt about D. (icing on the cake :\).

I'm really tired.

I had red hair in my dream... pretty weird.

---

3:58 PM
Complete waste. Me, a pack of smokes, and my DragonCon money just spent an hour outside because the fire alarm went off.

Still smells like burnt bacon, but they couldn't find the source.

woohoo.

Maybe I'll work out at 5?

---

11:07 PM
...my head is back and forth between utter despair and humming.

Must be Thanksgiving... or Christmas... or Fire day...

Gotta love life

PhD paper

Just sent this off to someone doing a paper in Australia (per her request, of course). Just wanted to post it.

---

I'm not certain if this is what you're looking for... but I'll do my best to explain this DID thing, in my own words, and how it's currently effecting me.
_________________________________________________________________________________
The biggest issue... the greatest challenge to being dissociative is time. It's not so much knowing who you are, but when you are. A second ago feels like 15 years ago, and 15 years ago feels like a second ago. It's confusing... scary... and often very painful. It's not the hardest thing being 5 years old. It's much more difficult feeling that it's 1974 while the rest of the world is in the year 2003. The world can be pretty overwhelming... and the people you think should be there are long gone. It's like being stuck in a bad time travel movie, I guess.

After working on this DID thing for about 10 years, I'm getting to the point where "we" are learning not to close off to one another. That is to say, I try to always be aware of the fact that there are others... that I will dissociate... that what I perceive to be "reality" will shift.

I make a conscious effort to say "I", even when I'm thinking "we". It's out of respect for others around me (I don't want to confuse them), and it is to let people know that I'm not going to hurt them and then shirk the responsibility. Am I any less part of a "system" of "I"s? I don't think so... but it depends on when you ask "me". The DID way: We're not all at the same level of awareness, in so far as the system is concerned. The non-DID way: I'm often doubtful. Sometimes I think that I'm part of a system of people, sometimes I think that I'm just prone to delusion.

When things get rough, I try to see it as a "spiritual" condition. There are many spirits and one body. We have to share everything... including the brain. I have to do what's best for myself. I have to do what I can to stay alive, keep the body healthy, and be as strong as I can be so that life is a little less difficult for the other spirits. The way I see it, if we all do that, then things go a little smoother for everyone. "We" try to work as a sort of "democracy" (at least, those of us who are aware of others in the system do)... and see one another as friends or family. Sometimes we don't get along, but at the root of it is a common goal and ties that bind.

Is it working? I don't know. I'm still unable to hold down a job. I still "lose time". I still have things which make life hell, like paranoia, flashbacks, "hyper-vigilance" to sound, sleep disorders, and paralyzing panic attacks... but... I'm still alive and not locked up against my will. It's job #1 and 2... Don't kill yourself. Don't kill anyone else. Everything else comes after that. Not the most enjoyable way to live, but it's the only way I can live. It's my full time job... and it's not easy. I think that most people take things like getting out of bed in the morning for granted. They don't realize that for some people, it actually takes more energy and focus to do that than it does for the average person to work an 8 hour day.

I don't know that I'll ever be "functional" like other people seem to be. What I'm trying to do, for now, is to take baby steps. Work on myself... try and do things that will allow me to be (or at least feel) useful to others. Some days are good, other days are not.

"I" live moment to moment.
_________________________________________________________________________________

going to send this now. I've been at this for over an hour, (to say nothing of the 4 or 5 days from when I originally received it)... prime example of how DID makes my life hell.

---

Dragon Con 2004 (w/A2 - 10)

ok...Time until August 31, 2004, at 7:43:00 PM(UTC time)
288 days
6935 hours
416117 minutes
24967071 seconds

Alternative version
It is 288 days, 23 hours, 17 minutes and 51 seconds until August 31, 2004, at 7:43:00 PM(UTC time)

but... to put that in perspective...

I've been alive 12476 days, 14 hours, 20 minutes and 12 seconds! (Or 1077978012 seconds or 17966300 minutes or 299438 hours)

(On Avatars)

...same as with tattoos, I don't get tired of the ones I have as much as I just want to add to them. I guess my bio is an example of that. If I could, I'd use them all. They all still fit perfectly.

(from "Hello (9)") X

fucked myself

...So much for having a "cell".

Now I'm going to have to watch everything I say in there.

FUCK

Guess I'll be adding another section... an invisible one... invite only.

Paranoia

Want to write about paranoia and closets.

Can't get my thoughts together at the moment... but I want to write about the realities of them...

(not related to my board)

DO I HAVE AN INVISIBLE SIGN ON MY CYBER-HEAD THAT SAYS FUCK WITH ME?????


Primates. They think they have the right to throw their feces at people whenever they feel like it.

(No Pain, well...no pain.)

(from a conversation with Sv about Martial Arts)

I certainly put the two and two together, but I didn't want to make too many assumptions. I think we talked about this before (online)... about feeling sexually charged from fighting... or was it hunting (difference?).

It just makes me think more about the whole sexual power exchange thing... about whether or not it really does vary person to person, or whether it's just fact that tops feel vulnerable on a daily basis and bottoms feel in control. I think I read a book, maybe sometime in the early 90s, about S&M in everyday life. I don't know why I'm thinking that Pat Califia had something to do with it, but... it's also simple logic, I think. The bedroom is "private"... where most can allow themselves to do things they're not free to do on a daily basis. Despite all the arguments I've heard, I've never met someone who indulged in SM/BD who didn't have power issues outside the bedroom.

From my perspective, as a (most always) "top", it's a game I'm, in truth, playing with myself. It's more... how far can I go and still stop myself from crossing the line. It's more myself that I'm topping. It could be anyone there with me... it doesn't really matter. They're nothing. (blunt, but honest) It's about how cruel I can become before I have to give in to that inherent ("human"(?)) need to be kind.

If I apply that to what a (usually) bottom might be going through on a mental level... it could be, how "low" can I go before I have to come back up. (?) How powerless can I allow myself to be before I have to give into that inherent ("human"(?)) need for control. (?) (Leads to a whole Were vs. Human in SM/BD discussion, but I don't know that this topic is the place.)

That in mind... training the way you are... does it apply in reverse? Is it... almost a revenge (for lack of a better word) type of thing? (I'll get you for rubbing my face in the dirt!) The street experience affects the bedroom brain... does the bedroom experience not affect the street brain? Does what you experience sexually end up motivating you athletically? Does it become that "bounce back"? Are you, in a way, kicking the shit out of that guy who rubbed your face in the dirt the night before, as well as charging yourself up for your next experience?

(from "Hello (9)") IX

Shot went pretty good. It was the end of one bottle and beginning of the next, so I got to play mad scientist with the needle tips. It always goes A LOT better if the needle is fresh. The rubber in the top dulls it. I should just use two tips every time I do it, but that wastes a needle, or makes it twice as expensive. :\

I don't know when I'll get to working out. Right now it looks like maybe noon... but we'll see. :\

Our Body Challenge (1)

The pants I bought for Dragon Con are too big. :\

(Martial Arts Mastery)

I suppose that there's some comfort in knowing that you can kill, even without a pencil. Although, I think that there's a little to be said for the ability to just die with grace as well.

Flashbacks

sometimes it's so hard to tell the difference

I suppose it makes sense... If you're dissociated for years, then all the years feel the same

Was all over the place today... Mid 70's, I think... then a while in 1984 and 5... a bit in the early 90's

Sometimes it's moments, other times it can be days

When I'm back I feel sadness

Funny... when I was there, I don't think that I really wanted to be

Hindsight is always 20/20

and you always idealize and forget the trauma

or do you?

I don't know

I don't know where my feelings come from

What the fuck ever possessed them to record "Muskrat Love"?

How fucking stupid was that song?


It's good that it's there... reminds people of the reason behind The Ramones.

(from "Hello (9)") VIII

I will work out. :\

If I could have (a vent)

I would have posted these as rules on the board I just quit:


1. You (and You plural) have either one or two names that are acceptable for use on this board. Your ONE screen name, and your legal name.
2. No "child speak". If you can turn on the computer, find the site, login, and type for your child alters, you can spell and form sentences for them too.
3. Be responsible for your system. "He did it." or "She did it." doesn't cut it. If your name is on the post, YOU (plural) did it.
4. Don't expect people to remember you and all of your alters' names. It's tough enough keeping track of one screen name, let alone a screen name and 37 billion alters' names. Always refer to other alters in your system making sure to note that they are one of your alters.
5. Don't use the board to talk amongst yourselves. You have plenty of word processing programs on your computer for that.
6. If you're not DIAGNOSED DID, don't claim to have it.
7. Don't be defensive. Let people express themselves without them having to fear that someone might take it personally.
8. If you attack someone on the board, you're banned.
9. Don't use this board to figure out whether or not you have DID. If you're not diagnosed, the answer (at least for the moment) is NO.
10. If you don't have DID or are a support person for someone who does have it, get the fuck off of this board.

Re: Frozen

I'm feeling a little less frosty today... but a little overwhelmed. I'm supposed to reply to a couple of e-mails, and just the thought of it is making me want to hide. I really don't know what my deal is with e-mail... I think it's the length of them. I can do brief, but with long letters (and even posts), I lose focus. Unless I'm the one typing the long post or e-mail, I mean. It's replying to it that gets me... not reading it. I don't know... something about feeling obligated and being repeatedly questioned? I can't figure it out... I just know that I completely suck with e-mail. Every now and again I can pull one off, and then I'm screwed because the person thinks I can do that all the time... then they expect it... then they take it personal when I can't.

(The insane rain. - 2)

-Come on up here. We're already getting snow.

Well, New England is up there on my list of places I'd consider moving to. I don't know about Vermont specifically, but I am a Penguin, after all. ;)

(Dark Entertainment News... - IV)

Art Carney

---

Everytime I see this topic bumped up, I hold my breath.

Re: Obsession

I have to say that I get TV obsessions. My current one is SVU, and I've seen every episode of ER ever made (at least once, some of them 4 or 5 times). I also watch The Daily Show loyally.

I think that if I had the money, I'd buy all the Oz episodes... and I'd get HBO so that I could faithfully watch 6 Feet Under.

There was also StarTrek TNG, and Quantum Leap... and there was Beauty and the Beast... and there was a show called Friday the 13th (I think that's what it was called... it was about these people who worked in an antique store and kept getting haunted objects, or something like that).

I don't know that my TV obsessions count as real obsessions though. I don't really think about the shows when I'm not watching them... just make sure to remember that they're going to be on.

I used to get obsessed over people... but it's been a long time since that has happened. Being obsessed over people is dangerous though. TV can't hurt you, and even the let downs are only slightly annoying. People can cause some serious damage if you bring them in too close. I suppose that's why a lot of people obsess over movie stars and the like. It's safe and there's a lot less of a chance of ending up hurt or let down. There's also less obligation... you don't really have to be there for the person. You can do no wrong and neither can they. ...you don't have to pick up their socks or carry their purse or smell their stink when they put off yet another shower.

It can get lonely though.

Frozen

Some days are better than others. Today I feel frozen. I'm cold because I can't use my heat. I dealt last Winter... I can deal this one... but that's not what's freezing me, at the moment.

I don't know what it is. I go on some sort of overload if I have to deal with more than one thing a day. Today I was supposed to work out, and then get to my shrink session. I've yet to work out. In fact, I've yet to do anything. I haven't even turned on the tv. I've played game after game of Minesweeper, only half caring whether or not I win. I've watched people come and go on the board. I hid in bed from the cold for a little while.

I haven't eaten. I drank a few cups of coffee, and had a protein shake about an hour ago.

I can't even get myself to the point of scraping the fuzz off of my face or getting into the shower.

My head is noisy... music and mumbling. The only outside noise is the sound of the ceramic space heater I just turned on.

Life feels abstract.

(from "Hello (9)") VI-VII

this is me... not working out. *lol*


I added a new section. I guess we'll see how it goes.

---

4:09 pm

Still haven't worked out.

I feel frozen. Literally and figuratively. I spent the last hour or so hiding in bed. It's fucking cold in here.

I don't know what to do. I can't manage to get things moving. I can't even manage to shave my damn face.

I fucking hate when this happens.

(DID drama - II)

Well, she made the private section go bye-bye for me.

not even a fucking e-mail!

This is me... completely over that shit.

(My yearbook?)

I still have mine as well. Cracks me up... a Xeroxed bunch of pages bound by a plastic thingee. How many in our graduating class? 10?

I quit

the DID board I was moderating. I didn't do too badly though... lasted over there for quite a few months. I think I do much better when I can run things myself though. Not everyone has the time I do... or the "respect" and "privacy" quirks that I have. As well, not everyone has a complete intolerance of "fakers" and "Role Player" types. How infuriating though... people pretending to have the disorder that has made my adult life so fucking hellish... and I was supposed to be nice to these people? Ummm.... no way.

Ah well... that just frees up more of my time to lose my shit here at home.

(on reclaiming "Queer")

I'd agree that it does have to do with who is saying it and why, but only to a point. I have to admit that no matter who is saying it, unless they're Queer themself, there's a little twinge or sting in the back of my mind.

"Queer" still means "different from the norm" or "odd". It depends on the day... sometimes I can be "proud" of being "different", and then other times it doesn't feel so good. Marginalized.

I think that although reclamation of the word is important, it's right up there with the "N" word for me. It should only be used by people who are actually Gay, Lesbian, Bi/Pan, or Trans. It doesn't matter that it actually once meant simply "odd". It was a word that was used as a weapon for a long time. I've heard many people defend themselves by explaining that the "N" word means "ignorant" too.

I don't know... to me, unless it's a person who is Gay, Lesbian, Bi/Pan, or Trans themself, the word still stings... at least a little.

(Movie Ticket - 4)

I still want to see the fishy movie!

I'm going to keep sulking about it until I finally get to see it.

I hear that there are some family members of mine in the film.

So far... (4)

Still tossing ideas around in my head about another section. Been thinking about the whole religion thing a lot. I did a reading on Samhain, and my "concentration card" was the 10 of Swords. Been reflecting on that and think that I might understand it a bit. I was asking about people's definitions of what a "calling" is... and then I started thinking about the card... My thought was that maybe what "triggers" us, what really sends us off into some other place... maybe that's what a calling is. Something you have no choice about... something you cannot ignore. It's not necessarily something you like, or want to do... it's something you have no control over... something that you have to answer.

My biggest trigger? The bible. Bible thumpers. The patronizing and proselytizing, brainwashed, sheep-like people. That's my 10 of Swords. That's my "Nightmare". That's what sends me right over the edge.

My thought was then... perhaps I should let myself go over that edge. Perhaps that edge is merely a bridge. Perhaps, as with many others in my life, this fear is there to conquer, not to run or hide from. It's myself I fear... a part of myself. It's what is in the brain... It is what I think might make me insane.


...I'm rambling.

This leg of my path started the day I first went online. It started with the word "Vampire" being typed into a computer. The blood is the life, yes?

I'm still rambling.

I'll stop.


but I'm still thinking.

(from "Hello (9)") V

I feel like I actually worked out yesterday. (we really need to find a smiley in pain)

(from "Hello (9)") IV

Think it's time to bathe the aliens and crawl into bed.

- ugh

(DID drama -I)

I just quit.

The fucking twit, E., used my name on the board.

I can't be around people who can't respect my privacy when I ask them to.

I'm almost through shaking.

So far... (3)

Well, now that the library is done, I can start thinking about the next section. I'm also considering something "religion" specific, either along with or opposed to the "dark" section. Tossing a lot of things around in my noggin.

I'm open to ideas.

(from "Hello (9)") III

Gotta work out. :\

(re: John and The Beatles)

Music is a good thing like that... helps us get through things.

When John died, I was about 11. He was the first "obsession" of mine. (I wanted to be Ringo when I was about 6, but that's another story.) John was the first person I latched onto as a sort of "teacher".

I once said, "We create our own Gods. We call them "role models"." When we have abusive people around us, we look elsewhere for salvation, so to speak.

I can honestly think of worse Gods than The Beatles.

Hey, all you need is love.

(and for the record)

ok, Library's done.



quite the story...

11/8/03 11:30 am

Although I don't support Priests (or Nuns) being married or having life partners, I don't think that a person's sexual preference has any bearing on whether or not someone is cut out to be clergy. I think that many in the GLBT community desperately need the Church, and for those in that community, having openly Gay clergy might be a plus. It might make the Church seem a little less like a hostile environment.

---

5:26pm -

just a note:

I don't think that Priests should remain celibate, just unmarried and childless.

(from "Hello (9)") II

Well, I tried to go to bed... but then "Deliverance" came on.

I was up 'til about 3. :\

Yeah, but I can do 20 push ups. (3)

Today, Mr. S. - bro took me to the Walmart. I got some weights.

I only got about 100 or so pounds, but for right now, it's plenty.

I can do 5 dumbell curls with 25 lbs. So... that's my start point. (I was practicing with cases of beer ;))

Gotta turn these skinny arms of mine into something a little more substantial. (I only want to add about 3 inches or so. *lol*

If this goes well, I'll shoot for getting a bench. I'm just not going to put out $400 if I'm not going to keep up with it. (I've got a hotel room to save up for!)

So... here I go... stage 2 of the rebuilding of Jon.

(I'll relocate that 6 pack yet! )

(from "Hello (9)") I

I'm getting weights today I'm getting weights today

(A personal link? 1)

I used to have a home page, but not any more. :( The closest I have to a home page online is this page:
a sort of bio

...it's pretty long, but it says a lot about me.

I suppose that my board is my website.

Dragon Con (Board gathering) - 5

I have on the Music Choice Soft Rock station... and guess what just came on? *lol*

go Barry!

(Tattoos!! - IV)

I passed on the body grafitti. My body isn't a bathroom stall door. - CB


I don't see my body as a "bathroom stall door". It's rather upsetting that you perceive people who get tattoos that way.

Perhaps you'd feel that way if you were to get one. I can respect that. It feels to me that you don't realize not everyone feels that way though. Getting tattooed is not "destructive" to most most people, in fact, it's seen as "creative".

More importantly though, I don't know if you realize that saying things like that can really hurt people's feelings. It comes across as you looking down on people, and that can really hurt if they call you "friend".

(Dark Entertainment News... - III)

Just now clicked on a link for Rod Roddy (10/28/03).

Quote:

---

Breast cancer, although typically associated with women, is diagnosed in about 1,500 American men a year, Roddy said in that interview: "To everybody out there, 'Get a mammogram!' It can happen to men, too."

---

I think this information needs to be put out there more.

Your Calling (1)

I suppose this is a "spiritual" question...


Have you ever felt "called" to do something? (If so, what, and did you answer that call?)

sub-question:
How can you tell the difference between a "calling" and a "whim" or "hunch"?

(Tattoos!! - III)

I'm getting the itch pretty badly.

That's one thing they should have at Dragon Con... an on site tattoo artist.

It's been way too long.

Dragon Con (Board gathering) - 4

Well, the memberships are bought, as are the train tickets. Well, we still have to secure A2's ticket to Trenton, but our ride to and from Trenton to Atlanta is taken care of. :D


...I don't know about 2005. This isn't easy... the money end of things... and that's putting it lightly. Maybe if 2005 in Atlanta isn't possible, we can consider a Yankee Con. Maybe just a weekend in New England. ;)

(from "Hello (8)")

That was a ridiculous attempt at sleep.

The music didn't stop until about 3 or 4.

I'm still tired, but I know that if I go back to sleep, I'll screw myself up for tonight, and then the whole (quasi)schedule thing is off.

I think ER will be either taped, or watched in bed.

Dragon Con 2004 (w/A2 - 9)

299 days!!!!!!

brain is going

mrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr


please leave a message at the sound of the tone



beep

(from "Hello (7)") 4

I think that I might end up taking a nap in a little bit. I splurged and ordered Chinese. I got a lot of food for $11! (fried rice, shrimp lomein, dumplings, a coke, and $2 tip ) Now I'm getting sleepy though.

I worked out, took a shower, got the trash out, took the rent over (they still don't know when the carpets will be installed), and did the mail thing.

The A/C is on now... feels soooooo nice.

Dragon Con (Board gathering) - 3

Yeah, their whole registration process sucks turds.

If you have the money now, buy the tickets now. That's my take on it. I'm getting things in advance not just to save money, but to keep a lit fire under my ass. If I don't save the rest, then I'll be wasting the ticket... and that's something I'll try even harder not to do.

I'm trying to see it as: there's not 9 months for things to go wrong, there's 9 months to make sure they go right. I made a commitment... to myself, and to A2, and to everyone else who might show up. Hell, if w. can try to make it from NORWAY, I can sure as shit try to make it from Pennsylvania.

Life sucks. My life sucks. If I've got to live Dragon Con to Dragon Con, then so be it. At least it keeps be going.


All that to say... buy the ticket!!!!! (This is me being selfish, but...) I really want to meet you, J2!

Dragon Con 2004 (w/A2 - 8)

I'm going to send out the $45 tomorrow (for the badge).


9 months to save!

This is going to suck shit (2)

I tried to spend a little time on the color thing. It was pretty hellish. (took over an hour to do 2 forums) That thing is unbelievably slow. It actually takes a few seconds to do things like switch between windows, cut and paste a few digits... just out of curiosity, I clicked on my name, then on the place where it takes you to my bio. I timed it. It took a minute and a half from click to "done".

I'm glad that I have it as backup, but in all honesty, I'm surprised that I ever stayed online, being that was the first computer I ever accessed the net with. (Well, I guess I adjusted. I got quicker the quicker my computers got, I suppose. I remember ir being slow, but not slow to the point of wanting to cry! I guess that was back then I wasn't spoiled yet.)

Something funny though, when I installed IE, all my old bookmarks were there, imported (somehow) from Netscape, even though Netscape is long gone. (I miss it!) It was an interesting trip down memory lane... rs's board, the PTD chat.... pretty freaky, actually.

Anyway, if the colors look off, please let me know. It's really tough to see color on LCD screens. It's also weird because I see things flat, as opposed to convex like on a standard monitor.

(Movie Ticket - 3)

They're releasing the director's cut of "Alien" in theaters. That would be pretty cool to see.
i agree

I think it's been a year since my last theater outing... maybe longer. The last movie I saw in the theater was the StarTrek one... I think it was "Nemesis"... whatever the most recent one was. Before that it was "Hannibal".

Seeing movies at home has advantages... 2 main ones: smoking is allowed, and the bathroom is clean. ;)

(from "Hello (7)") 3

This completely sucks. I can't even tell you how SLOW that old computer is. It's completely maddening.

If I can get my brother to take me, then I have to take this thing in and send it off. The fun part will be clearing this thing up before sending it away.

I'm not happy about this.

this is going to suck shit (1)

ok, that was hell.


Here's the problem...

My CD-ROM drive died. It's dead. Completely dead. As a doornail. Deader than dandruff. Kaput.

Solution 1 - Fix it.
Solution 2 - Buy a new one and have it installed.
Solution 3 - Buy a new computer.
Solution 4 - Take it in and use the warranty I paid a bazillion dollars for.
Solution 5 - Beat myself to death with the thing.


ok, for every solution, there's another problem.

Solution 1 - It can't be fixed.
Solution 2 - It costs $120 to have a new drive installed, plus whatever the new drives costs.
Solution 3 - I don't have that kind of money.
Solution 4 - They have to send it away for a month.
Solution 5 - looking better by the second


ok, so I'm stuck with the 4th option. Lucky me, I still have my old computer. Right?

ok, It's about 8 years old... but it works, right?

ummmm.... well, it takes about a minute between clicks, but yes... it works. (It was hell just getting it to the place where I could finally see the board.)

So... In a while, I may not be online a whole hell of a lot. The beast takes the patience of a saint... and I'm no saint. (not today, anyway)


All I have left to say is...

WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T SOMEONE TELL ME THAT MOST OF THE COLORS ON THIS BOARD ARE SO HORRIBLE?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!!

yeesh!


I suppose I know what I'll be working on while the laptop is gone. UGH! The worst is the "recent archives" section. What the HELL color is that?!?!?! *lol*

this sux

I REALLY NEED a drink.