~Bumpy Ride

(re - "Needs" 6/20/04)

I swear that's what gave me MS... if I had to pick one traumatic event over another. My head was so bruised and lumpy that I got sent to the school nurse. I remember the school nurse wanting to call the cops. I begged her not to. (It was all my fault, etc.) Sometimes you shouldn't listen to a 12 year old.

I'd assumed I'd gotten a concussion back then. Now? I think that along with the concussion, I got pushed over the edge into MSville.

I got the "birthmark" on my head after that, too. I wasn't born with the white patch on the left side of my head. It just (mysteriously) appeared one day, about a year, or less, after that whole incident. I was punished for that too. My mother thought I'd dyed my hair.

Telling my life story... If I didn't live it, I probably wouldn't believe me either.

~WICKED

I'm not writing a whole hell of a lot of new stuff. This is because 1. If I think too hard about my current reality, which is a direct result of the events of the end of 2004, I get WICKED PISSED, and 2. because I'm trying to focus on re-posting the archives I blew up (see #1).

As I write this, I feel like I'm going to puke all over the keyboard. I need a shower. I'm fearing the increase in temperature that's due for later on today. I'm living at a friend's mother's house, because (see #1) I have no where else to live. I'm tired. I'm sick. My meds aren't doing a very good job. My head hurts.

great... I'm now WICKED PISSED.

062305 ~comment reply

(comment was in "~no see food" repost)


It's not the State, it's who lives there. :\

Got into a VERY abusive relationship.

I suppose that eventually I'll blog about it. It's just tough, because I met the #*(#^ through ~blog.

re: "~no see food" 6/15/04

I miss cooking. I miss my floor. I miss thinking that my lack of energy came from psych issues.

I miss a lot about my life, as it was, before the end of October 2004. Funny how that is... no matter how bad you think you have it, it can always get worse. It did get worse, very much so.

Is it still bad now? Yes, but not that bad. Not as bad as the end of 2004. So, every day, I try to keep that in mind. It could be worse. I could be in Montana.



(link)

~perspective

(Re-posted "Kissing your liver spots")

---

My diet sucks, I haven't been able to control it for myself since October of 2004. I can't even exercise without paying for it in excruciating pain. (The MS monster is cruel.) The gut is still there.

One day...

062105 ~comment reply

Had Re-posted, "Flames" - original ~blog date - 06/13/04, written in - 3/03. My reply to a comment:

Yup. United States of Assholes. Here, we laugh at what we shouldn't, and don't understand and beat up what we should laugh off. :\

~Still falling

So, the reasons why I'm not sure about taking people to court for misdiagnosing me are many. Above all of them though, is that I'm not entirely sure that it was a misdiagnosis. That is really fucked up though. DID and MS? ...to say nothing of the whole sex/gender/sexuality thing.

Here's an example of why I'm not sure...

The whole thing is... although I'm not sure if I have one or both, the doctors should have been, and they never checked.

(061905 ~comment replies)

(entry was: re - ~When did I get so afraid?)

---

Your shit is your shit. It's just that... YOUR SHIT! Don't invalidate yourself. My pain doesn't make your pain go away.

posted by: Cutter
post date: 06.19.05 (3:19 pm)

---

You... YOU. :) First, thank you for your kind words. Second, thank you for Rain. I go to your blog, and I smile... and that is pretty incredible. It's not often I smile. Your words are intense, and I get a lot out of reading them... but when all else fails... I look at Rain's picture, and I smile. Thank you. :)

posted by: Cutter
post date: 06.19.05 (3:22 pm)

---

re - ~When did I get so afraid?

I think that I know when I got so afraid. It was sometime in 1994. It was a BIG ol' flare up. I'd never felt so afraid in my entire life... beyond paranoia... FEAR.

I went into the hospital. They admitted me. They labeled me. Damn initials... MPD, DID, ABCDEFG... whatever. They never looked at my brain.

The fear never went away completely. I've remained, at best, constantly paranoid. That's what MS (love those initials) does. It flares up, then leaves you with scars... or holes.

Yes, the tv does talk to me, and so does the radio. Yes, THEY are watching me. Yes, the whole damn world is out to get me. I've learned to live with that. Now, I just have to learn how to die with it.

re: "~September" 6/8/04

...and about a year since I wrote that, where am I? Am I worrying, still, about the approaching September? Yes and no.

True, my birthday is still, always, horrible. That's Psych stuff, though. I think that what happens, although I'm not 100% certain, is that the Psych crap in September, along with the change in the weather, kicks my MS into full gear. There's more Psych crap in November, more in December, A LOT in May (along with the May change in weather). The psych crap sets off the MS crap.

I've been shrunk so much I can barely see over my boots. Therapy won't help with the Psych crap. That crap is there to stay.

So, am I killing myself? Is my past actually killing me?

I've always had a lot of allergies. Being allergic to myself, that takes the cake. I'm allergic to myself. I'm attacking myself... exposing my nerves...

I just love metaphor.

622pm061705 comment reply

(re: ~Initially)
I liked this entry. Although you had been misdiagnosed all these time which had caused delay in proper treatment, I just thought you had learned a lot being a 'mental' patient. There had been a lot of negative feelings I'm sure, but being through all these shit had strengthened and shaped you into a more sensitive and open-minded person from what I have read. I'm sure there are a lot more positive traits which could be used to describe you. I'm sorry but my vocabulary had never been strong. What I mean is that the changes that goes through in us with everything that happens to us and our lives are invaluable. wish you are well.

My reply:
That means a lot. I do value what being labeled "crazy" taught me. Not that I don't have my issues and my mental disorders, but I'm glad that at least now I know what is Psychological and what is Physiological, in so far as my problems go. If nothing else, I'm glad that I learned how not to give the same meaning to the word "crazy" as most others do. I think that I'll always be a psycho, and that's ok. ;)

1232pm061705 comment reply

(re: ~Initially)
I don't fear you or anyone else who deals with mental illness. I wish the best and I hope for improved treatments in your lifetime that mitigate the impact of your syndromes on your joy and happiness. It is interesting to read your thoughts as a first person account of someone dealing with these issues in real time. Thank you for being generous and brave enough to expose this to the world. It would seem to me that this is a positive thing for you. I hope so! :-)


My reply:
Although do appreciate your words of kindness, the reason I re-posted this blog is because, basically, it was a MISdiagnosis. I have/had MS. They told me I was crazy, and never listened to me when I told them that there was actually something wrong with my brain (organ). For the last decade or two, they were telling me that I was crazy. I'm not crazy. I have MS. Again, I've yet to decide whether or not I'm taking this to court. Just wanted to clarify. :\

~Initially

I think that this is a pretty important bit of writing. Being that I was diagnosed with MS, this past November, this bit of writing takes on a whole new angle.

I still haven't decided whether or not to sue.

( Dragon Con anyone??)

um... sorry. Unless I hit the lottery BIG time, it won't happen.

~ouch

My brain is baking. :(

"flares" suck shit

re: ~Trusting the Dog

I should remember to read this when my brain flares. When the brain flares, I can get pretty darn nasty. When the brain flares in just the right way, "nice" goes out the window. All I'm left with is a bad temper and brutal honesty.

When I fly into asshole mode, when my brain is flaring, I still do try to hide... to protect the world from myself, despite my needs. Isn't that just like life though? When I most need people, on one level, is when I feel the overwhelming desire to get as far away from them as possible. Yes, when I "need" people most is exactly the time when I push them the hell away from me. Sort of like, being a sick dog.

ummm (2)

I'm in mode, so it's all good. This time, instead of me blowing up the board, it was just done for me. woohoo!

(Checking In....) 2

I'm sorry that your MS has brought you down....and I'm assuming that's the cause of your somewhat nasty tone.


My MS has brought me down?

MS has destroyed my entire life, and has left shit stains on everyone I've ever come in contact with.

I'm an asshole. If I huff and puff, best thing to do is duck.

To be completely honest, the best way to "keep up" with me is reading my blog, or reading what I post here. I rarely answer e-mails, return phone calls, or track people down. The holes in my brain don't let me.

Am I nasty? Probably. J. calls it having an "evil twin". I haven't figured out yet what to call it. I have holes all over my temporal lobes, so I guess I just have a holy hell of a temper.

(Checking In....) 1

You might try, when checking in, actually reading the latest threads on the board, before starting one of your own.

(The board host) was hacked over Memorial Day weekend.

So far, that I know of, I'm here, J.'s here, Wmg is here, A2 is here, you're here.

The board often comes to a stand still. That's what happens when you have an administrator whose brain is being eaten by MS and so continually goes ape shit on the members. After about 5 years, people get tired of it and go elsewhere.

You might try starting a blog, that way you can have an audience that's all your own and all under your control. You never have to worry about anyone else, or bother reading what they have to say.

060805 reply to ~ comment

"Sometimes people are dealt good cards in the family department and it sure sounds like you fall into that catagory. Maybe you need to find an older female to "adopt" you or something? I did that at one point when I was working out some childhood issues. It helped me to have a mother figure who treated me the way I wanted to be treated."

(My reply)
Nice thought, but most women don't go for that sort of thing with guys. At least, that's been my experience. It's easier to find a "Daddy", but then, I'm not really looking for either. The way I see it, I'm pretty much on my own... getting the occasional dose of parental compassion from friends' parents. No one really wants to adopt "kids" in their 30's. Poopy diapers are just easier to deal with than issues. :\

re - ~Invisiballs (5/30/04)

Yes, being diagnosed with MS in November of last year has put another spin on the whole thing. Maybe, because I had MS for the last decade or two, my actions were extreme. My leaving... my rage... maybe it was all MS fueled. I don't know. I don't know that the MS diagnosis cancels out my DID diagnosis, or my PTSD diagnosis.

I don't know.

I do know that it sure as shit doesn't take the rage away.

I called my mother, for the first time in years, when I was diagnosed. (Times like those, you want your mommy... a mommy... anyone's mommy!)

Her response?

"What do you want me to do about it?"


cunt

ummm (1)

I said that I wanted to turn the clock back a year, but this is ridiculous.

---

re - ~Mr. Magee... (5/22/04)

...and as that day progressed, I did, indeed, change.

The brain snapped. I became more and more delusional... closed my eyes to the truth. Saw what I wanted to see... not what was really there.

I suppose that I wanted something to believe in. I suppose that I wanted someone to believe in.

Just goes to learn 'ya... When all else fails, crawl into a hole, and don't speak to another living soul until you get back to the point where you don't feel like you need a damn thing from anyone.

MY BAD.