(4:39 AM)
this shit sucks.
(5:07 AM)
I'm purposely zonking myself.
I NEED sleep.
Wednesday, October 30, 2002
Monday, October 28, 2002
(The point of the board.)
This board is closed as a general conversation board. Please go to (The transfer board), that's where we've migrated to.
I've gathered people's archives together for their viewing. Some people have MANY archived posts, some have only a few. If you are one with many, your section will be open to you (but ONLY you). Feel free to use your section as an online journal for yourself, or as a way to get in touch with me. I completely SUCK at e-mail, so it might be quicker to reach me this way.
If you do not have a section and would like to view any archives I might have of yours (they'll be hiding in a section called "Assorted"), please e-mail me and I'll move them into the section called "Viewing" for a while and I'll fix it so that you (and ONLY YOU) can view them. That way you can save them if you desire to do so.
Thanks for all your time and effort that you put into (this board)... and that many of you are now putting into the new (transfer board).
-FR
I've gathered people's archives together for their viewing. Some people have MANY archived posts, some have only a few. If you are one with many, your section will be open to you (but ONLY you). Feel free to use your section as an online journal for yourself, or as a way to get in touch with me. I completely SUCK at e-mail, so it might be quicker to reach me this way.
If you do not have a section and would like to view any archives I might have of yours (they'll be hiding in a section called "Assorted"), please e-mail me and I'll move them into the section called "Viewing" for a while and I'll fix it so that you (and ONLY YOU) can view them. That way you can save them if you desire to do so.
Thanks for all your time and effort that you put into (this board)... and that many of you are now putting into the new (transfer board).
-FR
Saturday, October 26, 2002
523am102602
I don't even know how to write for myself anymore. A few years of posting online will do that, I guess.
Life is messy. True, life has always been pretty messy, but right now I'm more overwhelmed than usual. The "insomnia" is out of control. I'm backed up over a year with things I need to print out. I can't stop drinking.
Too much.
I found a new shrink. So far, so good, I guess. I've been trying to force myself to start walking. Because of a couple of years of non-activity, I've gained weight and shot my cholesterol through the roof. On my first walk I found the shrink's office. I also bumped into Cr. who was riding down the road on Km.'s bike. Km.'s a Veterinarian now. Pretty cool. Cr. is living in Texas, and just so happened to be in town on that day... and riding down the road I just happened to be forcing myself to walk on. I'm prone to thinking that sometimes when things are that coincidental, they're trying to tell you something, so, I made an appointment with the shrink when I got home. That was a few weeks ago.
I don't know that seeing a shrink will do me any more good than it ever did, but at this point, something has to give. I'm reaching the end of the downward spiral.
Part of me wants to trash all the writing. It's beyond an obsession. There are tens of thousands of pages... and for what? Why is it so damn important to save everything I write? Who am I trying to convince of what? Why is it that I feel the need to justify my torment... prove to someone that I truly am suffering and that I have a reason why I am?
The scores of binders are like weights on my back.
I've always wanted to be the kind of person who can live out of a backpack.
I tend to think that's because of not ever having a home that I stay in long enough. It's ok to have lots of things if you have somewhere to keep them.
I wish it was just the series of yellow journals... the now neglected series of yellow journals.
Maybe I should make that my plan... no more saving what is posted online. No more printing out e-mails, no more printing out IMs, no more printing out posts.
I need a beer.
Ok, have beer.
My stomach is pretty done. Anything stronger than light beer and I'm in some pretty serious pain. When I do puke, as rare as that is, it's usually bloody. Yes, I know that I'm an alcoholic, but I really can't think of any reason why not to be one. It's tough enough finding a reason to keep on living, let alone a reason to give up one of the few things I actually enjoy in life. The only valid reason is the cost. Odd how in 5 years rents have doubled and the people in government say that the cost of living has only increased about 8% I don't think that any of them are attempting to live off of $877 a month. Even cigarettes are through the roof. To buy a pack at the store, it's about $5. Long gone are the days when they were under a buck. Beer's about $20 a case. That'd be fine if I didn't go through a couple of cases a week. I guess that only the rich are entitled to have "habits".
I know me though. I'll be homeless before I quit smoking. Like I said, I'm not about to give up what little I have that makes life tolerable.
Other than beer and smokes, I have L. and A2 I manage to talk to L. about once a week or so. I've been forcing myself to walk to the grocery store (about 2.5 miles). My needing her to help me with that was really killing our relationship. I want to see L. when we want to see one another, not just when I need her help. A2, I talk to daily... sometimes for hours. I'm glad that I can do that. It's rare to have someone who actually listens to what you say, and who actually does care. I wish that we didn't live so far apart, but in a way, maybe it's for the best. Sometimes being too close to a person doesn't allow you to be as open. It's a control thing, I guess. I can only give so much of myself before I pull back.
I wish I were sleeping. It's 6AM. I can't do too much at 6AM. I, unlike the majority of my neighbors, don't like to make noise while others may be sleeping. It sucks that I'm most awake while others are sleeping, but I suppose that it makes sense. It's when I feel the most safe. I can relax a bit. The rest of the time I'm either tired or napping (I can't really call what I do "sleeping"). Run away, run away. Hide. Sleep disorders are fun.
I really need to decide what to do with this writing fiasco. I have so much to print out it's slowing this computer down. It's hours upon hours of work. Damn obsession.
I feel this overwhelming urge to "downsize"... to organize... clean up... purge... They say that when you feel like that it's because your head is cluttered... that because your head is cluttered, you try to organize that which is around you. Maybe there's some truth to that. All I know is that I feel completely overwhelmed.
Guess I'll watch tv.
Life is messy. True, life has always been pretty messy, but right now I'm more overwhelmed than usual. The "insomnia" is out of control. I'm backed up over a year with things I need to print out. I can't stop drinking.
Too much.
I found a new shrink. So far, so good, I guess. I've been trying to force myself to start walking. Because of a couple of years of non-activity, I've gained weight and shot my cholesterol through the roof. On my first walk I found the shrink's office. I also bumped into Cr. who was riding down the road on Km.'s bike. Km.'s a Veterinarian now. Pretty cool. Cr. is living in Texas, and just so happened to be in town on that day... and riding down the road I just happened to be forcing myself to walk on. I'm prone to thinking that sometimes when things are that coincidental, they're trying to tell you something, so, I made an appointment with the shrink when I got home. That was a few weeks ago.
I don't know that seeing a shrink will do me any more good than it ever did, but at this point, something has to give. I'm reaching the end of the downward spiral.
Part of me wants to trash all the writing. It's beyond an obsession. There are tens of thousands of pages... and for what? Why is it so damn important to save everything I write? Who am I trying to convince of what? Why is it that I feel the need to justify my torment... prove to someone that I truly am suffering and that I have a reason why I am?
The scores of binders are like weights on my back.
I've always wanted to be the kind of person who can live out of a backpack.
I tend to think that's because of not ever having a home that I stay in long enough. It's ok to have lots of things if you have somewhere to keep them.
I wish it was just the series of yellow journals... the now neglected series of yellow journals.
Maybe I should make that my plan... no more saving what is posted online. No more printing out e-mails, no more printing out IMs, no more printing out posts.
I need a beer.
Ok, have beer.
My stomach is pretty done. Anything stronger than light beer and I'm in some pretty serious pain. When I do puke, as rare as that is, it's usually bloody. Yes, I know that I'm an alcoholic, but I really can't think of any reason why not to be one. It's tough enough finding a reason to keep on living, let alone a reason to give up one of the few things I actually enjoy in life. The only valid reason is the cost. Odd how in 5 years rents have doubled and the people in government say that the cost of living has only increased about 8% I don't think that any of them are attempting to live off of $877 a month. Even cigarettes are through the roof. To buy a pack at the store, it's about $5. Long gone are the days when they were under a buck. Beer's about $20 a case. That'd be fine if I didn't go through a couple of cases a week. I guess that only the rich are entitled to have "habits".
I know me though. I'll be homeless before I quit smoking. Like I said, I'm not about to give up what little I have that makes life tolerable.
Other than beer and smokes, I have L. and A2 I manage to talk to L. about once a week or so. I've been forcing myself to walk to the grocery store (about 2.5 miles). My needing her to help me with that was really killing our relationship. I want to see L. when we want to see one another, not just when I need her help. A2, I talk to daily... sometimes for hours. I'm glad that I can do that. It's rare to have someone who actually listens to what you say, and who actually does care. I wish that we didn't live so far apart, but in a way, maybe it's for the best. Sometimes being too close to a person doesn't allow you to be as open. It's a control thing, I guess. I can only give so much of myself before I pull back.
I wish I were sleeping. It's 6AM. I can't do too much at 6AM. I, unlike the majority of my neighbors, don't like to make noise while others may be sleeping. It sucks that I'm most awake while others are sleeping, but I suppose that it makes sense. It's when I feel the most safe. I can relax a bit. The rest of the time I'm either tired or napping (I can't really call what I do "sleeping"). Run away, run away. Hide. Sleep disorders are fun.
I really need to decide what to do with this writing fiasco. I have so much to print out it's slowing this computer down. It's hours upon hours of work. Damn obsession.
I feel this overwhelming urge to "downsize"... to organize... clean up... purge... They say that when you feel like that it's because your head is cluttered... that because your head is cluttered, you try to organize that which is around you. Maybe there's some truth to that. All I know is that I feel completely overwhelmed.
Guess I'll watch tv.
Tuesday, October 22, 2002
up (4-7)
10/22/2002 06:05:00 AM
slept from about 12:30 'til 2AM. been up since then.
this sucks.
10/23/2002 05:17:00 AM
slept between 2 and 3.
saw a great show on sleep oddities though.
10/23/2002 11:51:00 AM
still up
10/25/2002 04:26:00 AM
this sucks
slept from about 12:30 'til 2AM. been up since then.
this sucks.
10/23/2002 05:17:00 AM
slept between 2 and 3.
saw a great show on sleep oddities though.
10/23/2002 11:51:00 AM
still up
10/25/2002 04:26:00 AM
this sucks
Monday, October 21, 2002
Saturday, October 19, 2002
Saturday, October 12, 2002
(fighting with C.)
I vagueley remember talking with her, and I know that I talked to you afterwards, but it's blank until about an hour ago.
Supposedly it's one of those side effects of "therapy".
I can talk with you more about it on the phone if you want... but needless to say, I'm losing A LOT of time (blacking out).
Supposedly it's one of those side effects of "therapy".
I can talk with you more about it on the phone if you want... but needless to say, I'm losing A LOT of time (blacking out).
Tuesday, October 8, 2002
Wednesday, October 2, 2002
(PLEASE read this)
Dear members,
I don't know that I can write a whole lot about what is going on with me lately, but a lot is going on. In short, my health no longer permits me to run the board.
I've asked J. to take over, and she has agreed.
I'll leave the posts where they are for a while, in case anyone wants to save anything or transfer anything over there.
When I can get myself (plural) together enough, I'll be posting over there and doing my best to help out J. when or if she needs the help.
So... basically, we're moving, and someone with a healthier noggin than mine is going to carry on. (Hopefully this will help me to get a little better.)
I thank all of you for everything you've put into this board and its members (myself included). I hope that we can just pick up where we're leaving off at the new location.
Sincerely,
Follows Ravens
I don't know that I can write a whole lot about what is going on with me lately, but a lot is going on. In short, my health no longer permits me to run the board.
I've asked J. to take over, and she has agreed.
I'll leave the posts where they are for a while, in case anyone wants to save anything or transfer anything over there.
When I can get myself (plural) together enough, I'll be posting over there and doing my best to help out J. when or if she needs the help.
So... basically, we're moving, and someone with a healthier noggin than mine is going to carry on. (Hopefully this will help me to get a little better.)
I thank all of you for everything you've put into this board and its members (myself included). I hope that we can just pick up where we're leaving off at the new location.
Sincerely,
Follows Ravens
(Age limitations?)
Relationship wise....what are your age limits?
depends on the type of relationship.... but, without a question... over 18. I don't do illegal.
depends on the type of relationship.... but, without a question... over 18. I don't do illegal.
Tuesday, October 1, 2002
(Reported MS-like symptoms from Nutrasweet?)
My first reaction to Nutrasweet was a mad dash to the bathroom, where I stayed for quite a while. I think that was when it first came onto the market, sometime in the 80's. Whatever the docs say, I know that it's bad for me. I haven't touched it since.
sorry
Things have not been going so well with me.
I apologize for not being more available to those who have been here for me.
I apologize for not being more available to those who have been here for me.
(The transfer board)
I have an overwhelming urge to go under another name when I start posting there... even if I do post as FR occasionally.
I don't know... I guess that I'm just tired of carrying around the baggage.
I don't know... I guess that I'm just tired of carrying around the baggage.
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