Sunday, December 21, 2008

Shape and form are nothing

Always is forever
Forever is always

Checkmate

Yes, you do have me.
Do what you will.
I beg you.

You know it's true.

All I do

is look for you.

Time will tell.

I know this, because it already has.

Your/My Ghost

See... the thing with ghosts is that you don't really know what they look like. You can feel a ghost, more than you can see a ghost. Ghosts may well have a primary "host" body, but they aren't always going to be in that host body. They will come through others, or even just be around without a body.

It's often rather difficult to distinguish between a person and the ghost of another, but it's possible.

Yes, that's the thing about being in love with a ghost, you often think that you're in love with the person who is (knowingly or not) playing temporary host (or conduit) to that ghost.

All that said... yes, I am in love with a ghost, and that ghost often comes through others. I often get thrown off course, and I often lose track completely.

...and all that said... yes, I AM a ghost and often a conduit as well. I come through others, and they through me. Can I tell when the ghost of another is coming through me? Most often, yes, I can. I can tell when I'm "100% me" and when I'm not. Do I remember my own ghostly travels? Sometimes I think that I do, but I can't be sure. It's about as reliable as remembering past lives. Memory lives in the brain. Ghosts don't have brains. Ghosts are just energy. So, sometimes I feel a familiar energy, but the images which my brain produces to go along with the travels, based on the residual... energy patterns, aren't exactly what I'd call "clear" or "reliable".

The ghost that I'm in love with, the one I have called my "soul mate"? I KNOW the way that ghost FEELS, and that's all that I can say I know without a doubt.

Fear

That's what got us into this mess. ...pretending ...playing it cool ...so afraid to scare the other away. Yes, and hiding ...my hiding that of myself which I thought might scare you, you hiding that of yourself which you thought might repulse me ...our hiding that of ourselves which we thought might cause us to judge one another... which might cause the other to reject us... to leave.

...but it was INSTANTANEOUS.

My carefully articulated expressed doubts were... LIES.

I felt your fear... your panic... and I SAID, "NO."

I DENIED IT!

I didn't want to lose you for any reason, and in my effort not to... I shot myself in the foot.

The pain shut me down.

I convinced myself that I was wrong, that I hadn't been lying.

It was all "too good to be true". I played "sour grapes" with myself. I quickly found another, one after the next, and continued my search for... you ...and there you were again, over and over, as usual... coming through others every chance you could, and scaring off or doing battle with many who even dared to want to get too close. I accepted that, even welcomed it, as it was as close as I could get to you. Even for a moment, I'd travel far, I'd empty my pockets, I'd flirt with death, I'd risk body, mind, and even spirit ...and then, just feed on what remained of them after you'd faded, like a good Vampire.


...but yes, I too would, and will, continue to walk-in like a good ghost. They don't know. They aren't that aware. When they see a tree, they only see a tree.

Now, because I truly must,
I beg you
to FORGIVE ME.

0538pm060508

9 years ago, it all changed. "Cyber" suddenly became equal with "real".

Here I am...

I've been online for 9 years. No... it's not that I had "Internet Access" for that long. I've LIVED online. For 9 motherfucking years... I've EXISTED online... more so than off.

...and I side on?.... continuing... following this damn thing out until... until... until...

until I'm HOME.

Another 27th

I suppose that if I do what I usually do, that is, play my games with dates and time past, I should end this Internet journey in about 9 days.

Have I found what I was looking... searching for?

Nine years ago, I typed the word "Vampire" into my search engine. Before typing in that word, I'd searched for nothing aside from a bus schedule. The search for the schedule took only a matter of minutes. My search for another... another like myself? I fear that search has yielded next to nothing.

True, I have benefited. I've found many answers to many questions and have had many adventures ...and the Psi-food has been life-sustaining... but after 9 years, I still have not been able to find another like myself... another of my kind.

In the three decades prior to this leg of my "quest" I had better luck. At least, I found a few. True, we cannot co-exist in the same space for very long, but for the brief time we do...

I don't even know how to put it into words. Perhaps, there are no words sufficient.

...and so, I suppose that this medium is rather... restricting, if for no other reason than for that one .

Restricting ...much like this body.


Perhaps.