Friday, October 31, 2003
GOD (4)
Although I'm sure we could follow this down a gazillion roads, my original thought was about the bible... about a way to interpret it. It's not about how I see things. It's about a possible way for those who use the bible as their guidebook to see them.
Do I see my father as "GOD"? No more so than I see what I flush down the crapper as GOD. That is to say, if GOD is all, then sure, I see my father as GOD. Perhaps if my father had seen me as GOD, I'd feel differently about that... but that wasn't the case.
There's a lot of good shtuff in the bible... but then, there's a lot of good shtuff in the Dr. Suess books as well.
From my father I learned that there's no one in the whole universe more important than I am. I'm GOD. period. end. (we tend to emulate our parents. selfishness begets selfishness.)
The fact that I give anyone any amount of credit is only due to my own desire to be a better person than my father.
I won't even touch the subject of my mother in this one.
All that aside though. I'm just trying to imagine what it would be like if all the "father, son, and holy spirit" people actually took that to mean their parents, children, and selves.
I think it might really be a better world.
Do I see my father as "GOD"? No more so than I see what I flush down the crapper as GOD. That is to say, if GOD is all, then sure, I see my father as GOD. Perhaps if my father had seen me as GOD, I'd feel differently about that... but that wasn't the case.
There's a lot of good shtuff in the bible... but then, there's a lot of good shtuff in the Dr. Suess books as well.
From my father I learned that there's no one in the whole universe more important than I am. I'm GOD. period. end. (we tend to emulate our parents. selfishness begets selfishness.)
The fact that I give anyone any amount of credit is only due to my own desire to be a better person than my father.
I won't even touch the subject of my mother in this one.
All that aside though. I'm just trying to imagine what it would be like if all the "father, son, and holy spirit" people actually took that to mean their parents, children, and selves.
I think it might really be a better world.
Thursday, October 30, 2003
(from "Hello (7)") 2
So, I finally just called S. because I still had no answer. Of course, his dad picked up. Of course, I got stuck talking to him. Of course, S. isn't coming up.
I have to walk to the store. I'm not happy about this, but I have no desire to go at 10 or 10:30 when L. said she might be able to take me.
ER better not be a fucking rerun.
I have to walk to the store. I'm not happy about this, but I have no desire to go at 10 or 10:30 when L. said she might be able to take me.
ER better not be a fucking rerun.
Dragon Con (Board gathering) - 2
Yes, you'll save money if you buy it now, but as for the line... well... A2 and I were pre-registered, and we waited an hour and a half in line. ...and that was good. We got there a day "early", Thursday, but even with doing that the line was ridiculously long. The shortest line was for those registering when they got there. (REALLY unfair, if you ask me!) By the time we made it out of line, the line had grown through and out of the (huge) room and up the stairs into the hotel. :\
The only benefit to registering early is the cost.
The only benefit to registering early is the cost.
Wednesday, October 29, 2003
Scheduling Reality (to A2)
I'm doing ok on the money thing... managing to save. Part of me is still detached from the reality of it though. Maybe it's because it's so far away.
I can't seem to keep up with the working out thing. It's making me nuts.
I think that what I might have to do is to not allow myself to pick up the phone until I work out in the morning. If I don't do it in the morning, it's like pulling teeth.
I like talking with you in the mornings... maybe if I force myself to work out first, I'll manage to do it.
I want to be able to thank myself come August 31st.
I want us both to be "proud of ourselves" once we're sitting in that room... realizing that we made a plan and saw it through.
I can't seem to keep up with the working out thing. It's making me nuts.
I think that what I might have to do is to not allow myself to pick up the phone until I work out in the morning. If I don't do it in the morning, it's like pulling teeth.
I like talking with you in the mornings... maybe if I force myself to work out first, I'll manage to do it.
I want to be able to thank myself come August 31st.
I want us both to be "proud of ourselves" once we're sitting in that room... realizing that we made a plan and saw it through.
Dragon Con (Board gathering) - 1
"Dragon Con 2004, America's largest annual convention for fans of science fiction, fantasy and horror, comics and art, games and computers, animation, science, music, television and films, will be held Friday through Monday, September 3rd-6th, 2004 (309 days away) in downtown Atlanta, Georgia, USA.
Four-Day Memberships available!
$45 through 11/14/2003
$50 through 2/13/2004
$60 through 5/14/2004
$70 through 7/15/2004
$85 thereafter, and at-the-door"
I'm on a "Starving for Dragon Con" budget.
I know how expensive this trip is. (Con tickets aside, there's transportation, hotel and FOOD.)
So (hint hint hint) anyone else saving their pennies?
Four-Day Memberships available!
$45 through 11/14/2003
$50 through 2/13/2004
$60 through 5/14/2004
$70 through 7/15/2004
$85 thereafter, and at-the-door"
I'm on a "Starving for Dragon Con" budget.
I know how expensive this trip is. (Con tickets aside, there's transportation, hotel and FOOD.)
So (hint hint hint) anyone else saving their pennies?
GOD (3)
I think that when most people "externalize" God, they don't see him as so much of a parent figure... they view God as more like the "perfect" human. If people had to think of their father as "GOD" (which we actually do before we're taught about religion), and themselves as "GOD" and their children as "GOD", I think that it'd be a lot less easy to judge others. You couldn't look at someone and tell them they're not following God's law... because everyone's law would be different. Every God's law would be different.
Same can be said for internalizing God. When you do that, you tend to look down on others... detach from them.
If every "family" was a kingdom in and of itself... a "holy trinity"... I think that we'd tend to "mind our own business" more... that we'd judge a lot less and only come to the rescue when called.
I'd think that a lot of things like child abuse, elder abuse, neglect, and insecurity/low self esteem could be tackled a lot easier if people interpreted the bible like this.
Can you imagine how people would react if all of a sudden it wasn't "my kid is gay" but "God is gay"?
If you were God, do you think you'd have anything akin to Social Anxiety Disorder?
Same can be said for internalizing God. When you do that, you tend to look down on others... detach from them.
If every "family" was a kingdom in and of itself... a "holy trinity"... I think that we'd tend to "mind our own business" more... that we'd judge a lot less and only come to the rescue when called.
I'd think that a lot of things like child abuse, elder abuse, neglect, and insecurity/low self esteem could be tackled a lot easier if people interpreted the bible like this.
Can you imagine how people would react if all of a sudden it wasn't "my kid is gay" but "God is gay"?
If you were God, do you think you'd have anything akin to Social Anxiety Disorder?
Tuesday, October 28, 2003
(The insane rain.)
It's raining again... had to walk back from the shrink in it. :\
Not as bad as yesterday, but things are pretty goopy from a few days of it.
No cats or dogs... but then, it was rather dark out... lots of poodles... does that count? (puddles ;) )
Not as bad as yesterday, but things are pretty goopy from a few days of it.
No cats or dogs... but then, it was rather dark out... lots of poodles... does that count? (puddles ;) )
Help Wanted (yes, even more)
I had a scanner. Had to get rid of it because it's "not compatable" with my computer.
I was scanning quite a bit, when I could still use it... but I was using it more like a "home copier".
What is taking up the most space is the online stuff. The e-mails and threads and IMs... true, I could have saved that all on disk... but I decided to save it on paper. (Hindsight is 20/20) Even if I had saved it all on disk, I'd have printed it out. I like hard copy. I just had no clue just how much hard copy I'd end up with. When I started this project (I think it was about 1996, but it could have been earlier than that.) I thought I'd be organized within about 5 years. I might have been, had I not "discovered" the internet.
I've discovered that with any form of art, when I stop using it as something just for myself, I eventually stop doing it, period. When I started reading my poetry out, it changed my style of writing. This lead to my stopping writing poety. When I went to college for music... well, I sold both the Double Bass beasts within months of withdrawing. When I started writing online, I all but stopped keeping my journal. When I started organizing my writing for eventual publication... well, it took quite a few years, but I'm now at the point where if I really need to tell my life story, I'll hire a biographer. :\
I was scanning quite a bit, when I could still use it... but I was using it more like a "home copier".
What is taking up the most space is the online stuff. The e-mails and threads and IMs... true, I could have saved that all on disk... but I decided to save it on paper. (Hindsight is 20/20) Even if I had saved it all on disk, I'd have printed it out. I like hard copy. I just had no clue just how much hard copy I'd end up with. When I started this project (I think it was about 1996, but it could have been earlier than that.) I thought I'd be organized within about 5 years. I might have been, had I not "discovered" the internet.
I've discovered that with any form of art, when I stop using it as something just for myself, I eventually stop doing it, period. When I started reading my poetry out, it changed my style of writing. This lead to my stopping writing poety. When I went to college for music... well, I sold both the Double Bass beasts within months of withdrawing. When I started writing online, I all but stopped keeping my journal. When I started organizing my writing for eventual publication... well, it took quite a few years, but I'm now at the point where if I really need to tell my life story, I'll hire a biographer. :\
Monday, October 27, 2003
Help Wanted (yet more)
It's so difficult.
I'm trying.
I was trying to get it down to just one thing a day... an e-mail, an ICQ transcript, a post... today it didn't go so well.
I went through (about 3 binders) from 12/1/99 - 1/21/00. Page after page... PTD posts, threads from rs' Were board, scores of e-mails between VGS and I, ICQs between me and M. and me and F. (probably not many remember her), e-mails between Dchylde and I (wonder what ever happened to him).... meeting A.... the end of the "relationship" between me and RP... The beginnings of the Icon and Mr.M. crap... CB's "challenge" topics... The first e-mails between Sv and I... and, the first e-mails between Terri and I.
HOW THE FUCK DO I CHOOSE WHAT TO KEEP?!?!?!?!
I got it down from 3 binders to 1.
that's the best I can do.
I'm trying.
I was trying to get it down to just one thing a day... an e-mail, an ICQ transcript, a post... today it didn't go so well.
I went through (about 3 binders) from 12/1/99 - 1/21/00. Page after page... PTD posts, threads from rs' Were board, scores of e-mails between VGS and I, ICQs between me and M. and me and F. (probably not many remember her), e-mails between Dchylde and I (wonder what ever happened to him).... meeting A.... the end of the "relationship" between me and RP... The beginnings of the Icon and Mr.M. crap... CB's "challenge" topics... The first e-mails between Sv and I... and, the first e-mails between Terri and I.
HOW THE FUCK DO I CHOOSE WHAT TO KEEP?!?!?!?!
I got it down from 3 binders to 1.
that's the best I can do.
(from "Hello (7)") 1
The rain is completely out of control. It's been coming down in sheets!
...as long as the roof doesn't start leaking...
...as long as the roof doesn't start leaking...
GOD (2)
The thought just sort of flew through my head... I was thinking about people who like to use the bible to live by... Catholics mainly, as they are the main ones who do the trinity thing.
I just saw it as (yet) another way to interpret those words.
I just saw it as (yet) another way to interpret those words.
GOD
The father, son and holy spirit....
ok, what if it's -
"God" is your father. Your actual father. (father/mother - interchangable)
"God" is your son. Your actual son. (son/daughter - interchangable)
"God" is your spirit. YOU.
What if when you thank God, you're thanking your dad? What if when you "blame" God, you're blaming your Dad? What if you're thanking your son? Blaming your son? What if "the holy spirit" knows and sees everything you do... because it is you?
What if "God" is actually just our parents, our children, and ourselves?
Can you forgive yourself?
What if you had to answer to your children? What if to abuse your child is to spit in the face of God?
twist and turn....
now define the "devil"...
It's a whole hell of a lot easier to think that "God" or "Satan" is just another entity, isn't it? ...a whole hell of a lot more difficult when "God" is right there in your face.
ah... gotta love coffee thoughts
ok, what if it's -
"God" is your father. Your actual father. (father/mother - interchangable)
"God" is your son. Your actual son. (son/daughter - interchangable)
"God" is your spirit. YOU.
What if when you thank God, you're thanking your dad? What if when you "blame" God, you're blaming your Dad? What if you're thanking your son? Blaming your son? What if "the holy spirit" knows and sees everything you do... because it is you?
What if "God" is actually just our parents, our children, and ourselves?
Can you forgive yourself?
What if you had to answer to your children? What if to abuse your child is to spit in the face of God?
twist and turn....
now define the "devil"...
It's a whole hell of a lot easier to think that "God" or "Satan" is just another entity, isn't it? ...a whole hell of a lot more difficult when "God" is right there in your face.
ah... gotta love coffee thoughts
(others)
Not to sway the (paranoia) topic, but... well... for me, there are always "others" around. I really can't tell the difference sometimes. I don't mean just the MPD/DID stuff, I'm talking about "spirits" and the like.
(Paranoia)
I think that one of the reasons why I find it difficult to run a board is the whole "paranoia" thing. When people don't show, it's almost always about them not liking me or being angry with me... about me being "the bad guy".
I know that it's partially my paranoia, but even knowing that doesn't change the way I feel.
"Lurkers" are plotting.
When people don't reply it's because they think I'm wrong and/or stupid.
When people don't post topics or reply to mine they don't care what I think or feel about things.
When people post too many topics they're just trying to be the center of attention.
Whether it's online or off, the whole paranoia thing can be pretty debilitating.
I wish I knew how to make it go away.
I know that it's partially my paranoia, but even knowing that doesn't change the way I feel.
"Lurkers" are plotting.
When people don't reply it's because they think I'm wrong and/or stupid.
When people don't post topics or reply to mine they don't care what I think or feel about things.
When people post too many topics they're just trying to be the center of attention.
Whether it's online or off, the whole paranoia thing can be pretty debilitating.
I wish I knew how to make it go away.
Sunday, October 26, 2003
(Reaction to a Yahoo news article)
ok... here I go....
The article is just beyond infuriating.
First off, they're completely discounting the "nurture" aspect of things. Too... this:
Quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
the UCLA discovery may also offer physicians an improved tool for gender assignment of babies born with ambiguous genitalia.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
makes me feel like blowing up shopping malls. What the fuck?!?!?!?!?! WHY DO PEOPLE FEEL IT NECESSARY TO ASSIGN ANYTHING TO OTHER PEOPLE?!?!?!?!?!
...and this:
Quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"If physicians could predict the gender of newborns with ambiguous genitalia at birth, we would make less mistakes in gender assignment,"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
YOU CANNOT PREDICT GENDER!!!!!! Even if you can predict parts, you can't tell whether or not your child will want to wear pink or blue! Not all boys like blue! Not all girls like dresses! That doesn't make them any less boys or girls!
WHEN are people going to finally realize that sex, gender, and sexuality are THREE SEPARATE THINGS?!?!
...we won't even go into the fact that human beings are NOT mice.
ugh.
Sometimes I forget just how idiotic people who call themselves scientists can be.
The article is just beyond infuriating.
First off, they're completely discounting the "nurture" aspect of things. Too... this:
Quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
the UCLA discovery may also offer physicians an improved tool for gender assignment of babies born with ambiguous genitalia.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
makes me feel like blowing up shopping malls. What the fuck?!?!?!?!?! WHY DO PEOPLE FEEL IT NECESSARY TO ASSIGN ANYTHING TO OTHER PEOPLE?!?!?!?!?!
...and this:
Quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"If physicians could predict the gender of newborns with ambiguous genitalia at birth, we would make less mistakes in gender assignment,"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
YOU CANNOT PREDICT GENDER!!!!!! Even if you can predict parts, you can't tell whether or not your child will want to wear pink or blue! Not all boys like blue! Not all girls like dresses! That doesn't make them any less boys or girls!
WHEN are people going to finally realize that sex, gender, and sexuality are THREE SEPARATE THINGS?!?!
...we won't even go into the fact that human beings are NOT mice.
ugh.
Sometimes I forget just how idiotic people who call themselves scientists can be.
(depression because of transitioning?)
Funny how that works. It's always about what you do to help yourself that everyone wants to point at when things get rough for you. It doesn't matter that transitioning probably saved your life... it makes them feel uncomfortable, so it's obviously to blame for all of your problems. yeesh
hang in there, N.
hang in there, N.
Saturday, October 25, 2003
yeah
I'm the man in the box
Buried in my shit
Won't you come and save me?
Feed my eyes
can you sew them shut?
Jesus Christ
deny your maker
He who tries
will be wasted
Feed my eyes
now you've sewn them shut
I'm the dog who gets beat
Shove my nose in shit
Won't you come and save me
save me
("Man In The Box" - Staley/Cantrell)
Buried in my shit
Won't you come and save me?
Feed my eyes
can you sew them shut?
Jesus Christ
deny your maker
He who tries
will be wasted
Feed my eyes
now you've sewn them shut
I'm the dog who gets beat
Shove my nose in shit
Won't you come and save me
save me
("Man In The Box" - Staley/Cantrell)
from "Hello (6)" 6-8
10:43 AM
Computer's being pesky. Dowloading DAT files and attempting to update my "shockwave" payer. (I think that might have something to do with the problems at Hallmark.com.)
11:12 AM
It worked! I don't know if it was the player or not, but I was finally able to view the card my sister sent me in reply to my birthday card I sent her. (It was a thank you from BINKY!)
01:33 PM
Think I'm going to nappyland.
If I'm lucky, I'll be able to work out when I get up.
3:49 PM
I fucked up.
(DID board related.)
6:03 PM
drunk can be good
Computer's being pesky. Dowloading DAT files and attempting to update my "shockwave" payer. (I think that might have something to do with the problems at Hallmark.com.)
11:12 AM
It worked! I don't know if it was the player or not, but I was finally able to view the card my sister sent me in reply to my birthday card I sent her. (It was a thank you from BINKY!)
01:33 PM
Think I'm going to nappyland.
If I'm lucky, I'll be able to work out when I get up.
3:49 PM
I fucked up.
(DID board related.)
6:03 PM
drunk can be good
Friday, October 24, 2003
"Old" Music (1)
Ann Wilson.
I'm SO not worthy.
Her voice simply... well... AhEm.... instant woody.
...and she still looks good.
Heart.
worship worship worship
...born on June 19, 1950.
That makes her about my "parents" age...
oh... to be sung to sleep by that voice.....
ok, I don't know that I'd sleep all that much... *lol*
*back to drooling over her singing Barracuda*
I'm SO not worthy.
Her voice simply... well... AhEm.... instant woody.
...and she still looks good.
Heart.
worship worship worship
...born on June 19, 1950.
That makes her about my "parents" age...
oh... to be sung to sleep by that voice.....
ok, I don't know that I'd sleep all that much... *lol*
*back to drooling over her singing Barracuda*
"New" Music - (1)
(Robert Randolph & The Family Band)
I really like this guy/band. I'm actually wanting to buy some of his stuff. It's rare that I like new artists these days... but this guy is good. No, I'm not too into the whole churchy thing, but it's good music... and that, I'm into.
I really like this guy/band. I'm actually wanting to buy some of his stuff. It's rare that I like new artists these days... but this guy is good. No, I'm not too into the whole churchy thing, but it's good music... and that, I'm into.
Thursday, October 23, 2003
from "Hello (6)" 5
worked out.
I'm not writing down my times anymore... I know when to stop. It's usually about an hour.
I think that I'll need to eat soon.
I'm not writing down my times anymore... I know when to stop. It's usually about an hour.
I think that I'll need to eat soon.
from "Hello (6)" 4
Really need to work out today... but all I want to do is to get drunk and sleep.
tomorrow I get to try to go food shopping for $40
this should be fun
tomorrow I get to try to go food shopping for $40
this should be fun
("Kilmarnock")
When I forget the dream, will the Void deny me and my wings?
We never forget the dream. Some simply choose to bury it. They clip their own wings.
I hope that you never make that choice, although if you did, I'd understand completely.
We never forget the dream. Some simply choose to bury it. They clip their own wings.
I hope that you never make that choice, although if you did, I'd understand completely.
So far... (2)
Well, I just want people to feel as comfy as possible.
I'm tossing around the idea of a "dark" section... maybe a venting section that is open to reply. Some of us really just need to bitch, whine, and moan pretty often. Too, I'd like a place for the (non-RP) dark stuff... a place where our "skeletons" can come out for some air, so to speak
I'm tossing around the idea of a "dark" section... maybe a venting section that is open to reply. Some of us really just need to bitch, whine, and moan pretty often. Too, I'd like a place for the (non-RP) dark stuff... a place where our "skeletons" can come out for some air, so to speak
Wednesday, October 22, 2003
Generations
(From www.colpm.org/program/ties.htm )
The Silent Generation (1930 - 1945)
The Baby Boomers (1946-1964)
Generation X (1965 - 1975)
Echo Boomers (1976 - 1990)
The Millennium's (1991-Present)
This just made me feel so old:
Quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Echo Boomers who started college in the Fall of 1999, for example, were born in 1981. They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan era. The President with the most influence on their lives is Bill Clinton.
Echo Boomers were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged. Witnessing it live on CNN made war seem surreal and certainly less exciting than the typical video game. Vietnam is ancient history and all but meaningless to them. The wars that draw their interest are conducted by hackers against the "establishment."
They neither remember when Americans were held hostage in Iran nor do they care. They were 13 years old when the Soviet Union broke apart. The tearing down of the Berlin Wall was a non-event since the majority of them cannot point to Germany on a world map. They do not remember the Cold War and have no knowledge of air raid drills, bomb shelters, the purpose of Civil Defense or what a military draft. Yet, they know all too well the threat of classmates turned terrorists in their schools. A startling number dont think twice about the consequences of infanticide. They rarely collaborate choosing instead to collude in order to get their way. Drawing upon a parallel with their Baby Boomer parents, they indulge in life, they dont engage in it.
Black Monday (1987) was a bleep on the radar screen of Echo Boomers while many of their parents' experienced sudden wealth syndrome leading some to diagnose their children's problems as stemming from "affluenza". Most of them have at least two houses to call home and multiple sets of parents, step-parents and half-siblings.
They were too young to remember Mount St. Helen's blow up, the Challenger disaster or the massacre in Tienamin Square. They cant remember a time before AIDS, metal detectors, or email. Atari and Pac-man predate them as do record albums, 8 tracks, 45s and Hi Fis. As a result, they have no frame of reference for the phrase "you sound like a broken record". The compact disc (CD) was introduced when they were three years old. There have always been VCRs, voice mail, and computers in their lives. They were born the year after Sony introduced the Walkman. Roller-skating has always meant in-line. Popcorn has never been popped anywhere but in a microwave.
They are mesmerized by the family-oriented "oldies" on "Nick at Night" like Leave It To Beaver, My Three Sons, I Love Lucy and Happy Days. Bevis and Butthead were their role models. America and Alabama are places, not musical groups. Fast food always came in environmentally friendly packaging. And a seemingly natural rite of passage seems to be from pacifier to cell phone.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
:\
The Silent Generation (1930 - 1945)
The Baby Boomers (1946-1964)
Generation X (1965 - 1975)
Echo Boomers (1976 - 1990)
The Millennium's (1991-Present)
This just made me feel so old:
Quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Echo Boomers who started college in the Fall of 1999, for example, were born in 1981. They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan era. The President with the most influence on their lives is Bill Clinton.
Echo Boomers were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged. Witnessing it live on CNN made war seem surreal and certainly less exciting than the typical video game. Vietnam is ancient history and all but meaningless to them. The wars that draw their interest are conducted by hackers against the "establishment."
They neither remember when Americans were held hostage in Iran nor do they care. They were 13 years old when the Soviet Union broke apart. The tearing down of the Berlin Wall was a non-event since the majority of them cannot point to Germany on a world map. They do not remember the Cold War and have no knowledge of air raid drills, bomb shelters, the purpose of Civil Defense or what a military draft. Yet, they know all too well the threat of classmates turned terrorists in their schools. A startling number dont think twice about the consequences of infanticide. They rarely collaborate choosing instead to collude in order to get their way. Drawing upon a parallel with their Baby Boomer parents, they indulge in life, they dont engage in it.
Black Monday (1987) was a bleep on the radar screen of Echo Boomers while many of their parents' experienced sudden wealth syndrome leading some to diagnose their children's problems as stemming from "affluenza". Most of them have at least two houses to call home and multiple sets of parents, step-parents and half-siblings.
They were too young to remember Mount St. Helen's blow up, the Challenger disaster or the massacre in Tienamin Square. They cant remember a time before AIDS, metal detectors, or email. Atari and Pac-man predate them as do record albums, 8 tracks, 45s and Hi Fis. As a result, they have no frame of reference for the phrase "you sound like a broken record". The compact disc (CD) was introduced when they were three years old. There have always been VCRs, voice mail, and computers in their lives. They were born the year after Sony introduced the Walkman. Roller-skating has always meant in-line. Popcorn has never been popped anywhere but in a microwave.
They are mesmerized by the family-oriented "oldies" on "Nick at Night" like Leave It To Beaver, My Three Sons, I Love Lucy and Happy Days. Bevis and Butthead were their role models. America and Alabama are places, not musical groups. Fast food always came in environmentally friendly packaging. And a seemingly natural rite of passage seems to be from pacifier to cell phone.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
:\
Good Fucking Grief
It's a rough time of year. Last year at this time... well... you remember that. It's one thing after the next... from my birthday through early February. Damn programmed brain. I wonder what ever happened to that "holiday" thread where I listed events. I'll have to look for it.
Anyway, all this crap aside... I'm glad we came back here.
Fuck the world.
Let them eat cake.
Anyway, all this crap aside... I'm glad we came back here.
Fuck the world.
Let them eat cake.
(dad-unit 1)
I REALLY want to send him an e-mail back telling him that all I want is either for him to come home and be a father, or to blow his brains out.
this is not a good day
this is not a good day
Tuesday, October 21, 2003
Monday, October 20, 2003
So far... (1)
Well, it's been a couple of months or so. I'm working on the Library. It should be done in a little while.
Sunday, October 19, 2003
from "Hello (6)" 2,3
My day? Well, my earplugs are in... and I'm not even trying to sleep. Yes, I can still hear the Bass through the earplugs. Fucking dickwad.
10/19/03 5:08 PM
The woman from down the hall (the one who bummed the smokes a while back, to my right on the other side of the building) just knocked on my door dry heaving, wanting to know "how I can stand it".
I told her "Hey, this is a good day, you should have smelled it before the hall was painted". I then directed her to puke on the woman's door if she had to puke.
She said she was going to talk to (the apt manager person). I chuckled.
It's beyond cat piss. It's actually getting more towards corpse smell now. (...and I should know!)
10/19/03 5:21 PM
Well, she called the maintenance dude, and he went in there to check. No corpse, but the apartment is beyond disgusting. (I could swear that even the cat looked a little bothered.)
Now I can't get the stink out of my nostrils.
ugh.
10/19/03 6:10 PM)
Think I need to crawl into bed soon.
anyone seen my nose plugs?
anyone seen my nose?
10/19/03 5:08 PM
The woman from down the hall (the one who bummed the smokes a while back, to my right on the other side of the building) just knocked on my door dry heaving, wanting to know "how I can stand it".
I told her "Hey, this is a good day, you should have smelled it before the hall was painted". I then directed her to puke on the woman's door if she had to puke.
She said she was going to talk to (the apt manager person). I chuckled.
It's beyond cat piss. It's actually getting more towards corpse smell now. (...and I should know!)
10/19/03 5:21 PM
Well, she called the maintenance dude, and he went in there to check. No corpse, but the apartment is beyond disgusting. (I could swear that even the cat looked a little bothered.)
Now I can't get the stink out of my nostrils.
ugh.
10/19/03 6:10 PM)
Think I need to crawl into bed soon.
anyone seen my nose plugs?
anyone seen my nose?
Beating myself
I can't say that I don't know why I do it. If I step back from myself and become the therapist I've known the longest (myself), I can explain it. Doesn't matter though, just because you know why you do something doesn't mean that you can stop doing it, when it comes to emotional reactions and subconscious longings.
I typed my mother's name into a search engine this morning. I found out that she and my step-father are on the US Treasury page of "Notice of Names of Persons Appearing to be Owners of Abandoned and Unclaimed Property". I also found a book review that she submitted. The review was praising (certain Christian) books.
Don't worry. It's not all Christians that I hate... it's only my mother.
I'm a complete wreck right now. All I want is to drink myself to sleep. Between this and reading through the posts for the Library (re-dealing with dad-unit 1's shit)... what the fuck ever possessed me to invite him here. What the fuck is wrong with me?!?
Never mind, I know the answer to that question.
therapy isn't until Tuesday though
I typed my mother's name into a search engine this morning. I found out that she and my step-father are on the US Treasury page of "Notice of Names of Persons Appearing to be Owners of Abandoned and Unclaimed Property". I also found a book review that she submitted. The review was praising (certain Christian) books.
Don't worry. It's not all Christians that I hate... it's only my mother.
I'm a complete wreck right now. All I want is to drink myself to sleep. Between this and reading through the posts for the Library (re-dealing with dad-unit 1's shit)... what the fuck ever possessed me to invite him here. What the fuck is wrong with me?!?
Never mind, I know the answer to that question.
therapy isn't until Tuesday though
Links (1)
Most of the HSP (Highly Sensitive People) sites make me want to puke!
Sorry... they're just to fluffy/new agey for this HSP to stomach.
This one, though, looks pretty good. Going to look into it more.
It's interesting... the whole HSP thing... I just think that it's a lot more rare than these website owners think... either that, or there's a scale. There are sort of HSPs and then there's REALLY FUCKING HSPs. In my noggin, no HSP would cover their page in potpouri. *pukes* A twinkie might, but not an HSP. HSPs would know damn well that other, lost HSPs are WAY too tormented to play with flowers and crystals. HSPs would rather shove them up everyone else's ass.
Sorry... they're just to fluffy/new agey for this HSP to stomach.
This one, though, looks pretty good. Going to look into it more.
It's interesting... the whole HSP thing... I just think that it's a lot more rare than these website owners think... either that, or there's a scale. There are sort of HSPs and then there's REALLY FUCKING HSPs. In my noggin, no HSP would cover their page in potpouri. *pukes* A twinkie might, but not an HSP. HSPs would know damn well that other, lost HSPs are WAY too tormented to play with flowers and crystals. HSPs would rather shove them up everyone else's ass.
from "Hello (5)" 32,33
Had to crawl into bed. That was around 8ish. The neighbor was blaring his tv. Even in order to watch my own I had to put my damn earplugs in. The only reason I could watch mine is because he happened to have his on the same station. The earplugs lowered the bass.
Damn ignorant people. Rude.
I'm up, for the moment. Don't know for how long. I'm sure I'll post before I go back to sleep though, if I do that.
3:20am
OMIGOD
I got bulk mail!
I hope it continues. The spam in my inbox was really getting annoying. I'm not going to trust it yet though. For all I know, all my mail will now be routed to the bulk folder.
Gotta love Excite.
Damn ignorant people. Rude.
I'm up, for the moment. Don't know for how long. I'm sure I'll post before I go back to sleep though, if I do that.
3:20am
OMIGOD
I got bulk mail!
I hope it continues. The spam in my inbox was really getting annoying. I'm not going to trust it yet though. For all I know, all my mail will now be routed to the bulk folder.
Gotta love Excite.
Saturday, October 18, 2003
Dragon Con 2004 (w/A2 - 7)
318 days
ok, assuming that the train is covered (we can hope!)
This is what I'm thinking -
- We'll need to figure on $1200 for the hotel, just to be on the safe side (not to mention the $300 it'll take for the "hold").
- If the tickets are priced like this past year, we can get them when they're at $50. (hey, it's 10 bucks!)
- Knowing that we can bring our own alcohol, we can do that, and just figure on maybe $20 a piece each way for "just in case" drinks. (I might decide on wanting cold beer.)
- Then tips and cab. The cabs will be about $25, the "attendant" about $20. Then there's the baggage and room, that's about $20.
- Then supplies for the room (water, beer, juice, food, etc.). I'm thinking maybe $50 a piece for that.
- Then there's the emergency money/additional transport money. I need $50 for that. I'm not sure what you'll be needing.
- Then there's "shopping" money. I'm good with $50 for that. (Get S. a present and everyone else gets a fucking sticker.) There must be a bank to rob for how much you'll want for this.
- Then there's food. For me, I'm thinking about $500. For you, it'll probably be less. (Either way, the Asians get the money. Sushi, InuYasha... it's all the same. *lol*)
So, the grand total for the trip is now $2145 plus your food, additional transport and gifts (maybe $300 food, $250 or so additional train and $200 gifts?)... guesstimate: $2900 total.
(one sec, gotta go change my underwear. )
ok, split 2 ways, that would be $1450 a piece.
We have 10 months to save (including August), so that's $145 a month.
I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed.
ok, assuming that the train is covered (we can hope!)
This is what I'm thinking -
- We'll need to figure on $1200 for the hotel, just to be on the safe side (not to mention the $300 it'll take for the "hold").
- If the tickets are priced like this past year, we can get them when they're at $50. (hey, it's 10 bucks!)
- Knowing that we can bring our own alcohol, we can do that, and just figure on maybe $20 a piece each way for "just in case" drinks. (I might decide on wanting cold beer.)
- Then tips and cab. The cabs will be about $25, the "attendant" about $20. Then there's the baggage and room, that's about $20.
- Then supplies for the room (water, beer, juice, food, etc.). I'm thinking maybe $50 a piece for that.
- Then there's the emergency money/additional transport money. I need $50 for that. I'm not sure what you'll be needing.
- Then there's "shopping" money. I'm good with $50 for that. (Get S. a present and everyone else gets a fucking sticker.) There must be a bank to rob for how much you'll want for this.
- Then there's food. For me, I'm thinking about $500. For you, it'll probably be less. (Either way, the Asians get the money. Sushi, InuYasha... it's all the same. *lol*)
So, the grand total for the trip is now $2145 plus your food, additional transport and gifts (maybe $300 food, $250 or so additional train and $200 gifts?)... guesstimate: $2900 total.
(one sec, gotta go change my underwear.
)ok, split 2 ways, that would be $1450 a piece.
We have 10 months to save (including August), so that's $145 a month.
I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed.
from "Hello (5)" 31
Up and stressing about money. I have no way to get to anywhere I can get weights in December, so I have to get them next month. That means I have to put off getting my Rx filled until December. That pisses me off because I don't like not having a certain amount on hand... and not getting it until December will put me way under. I'm tempted to dip into the DCon money in order to make things work out, but I can't do that. The money never really gets replaced, and it's too much of a risk.
I did figuring for myself and I'm supposed to save at least $125 a month until the Con.
I hope that people are ok with lint for X-mas.
I did figuring for myself and I'm supposed to save at least $125 a month until the Con.
I hope that people are ok with lint for X-mas.
Friday, October 17, 2003
from "Hello (5)" 28-30
mmmmmm ... foood goood
me nappy now
5:35 PM
really fucked up nightmares
10:14 PM
Can't keep my eyes open.
me nappy now
5:35 PM
really fucked up nightmares
10:14 PM
Can't keep my eyes open.
(on my mind (akin to Murphy's Law) is...)
No degree of acceptance can ever change the facts.
Translation: You may come to terms with being screwed, but nevertheless you're still screwed.
Translation: You may come to terms with being screwed, but nevertheless you're still screwed.
(Another point to ponder)
If we can put people on the moon and create machines that think... why can't we make a hammer that doesn't make noise?
Yeah, but I can do 20 push ups. (2)
The machine I want.
Lost almost 20 lbs so far... will want to start gaining soon... in muscle though. Need weights.
Lost almost 20 lbs so far... will want to start gaining soon... in muscle though. Need weights.
Thursday, October 16, 2003
(on mixing creative expression with employment?)
...I guess that's the thing with work... you have to keep it work. When you have to do something, part of the enjoyment is taken out of it. Best that work sucks, rather than creative expression.
from "Hello (5)" 27
up with a racing head. I did sleep some, but I'm hoping to get a couple more hours by 9.
Wednesday, October 15, 2003
from "Hello (5)" 25,26
3:33 PM
I should really just stop trying... I'm completely tired. Why do I keep trying to "fix" my schedule?
4:44 PM
I'll be in bed... hiding.
I should really just stop trying... I'm completely tired. Why do I keep trying to "fix" my schedule?
4:44 PM
I'll be in bed... hiding.
Tuesday, October 14, 2003
from "Hello (5)" 22-24
12:51 PM
Made chicken and broccoli, but it didn't turn out too good because I ran out of plum sauce.
Think it's bedtime soon.
me sleepy
6:13 PM
so tired
9:17 PM
666 (posts using JBW user name)
- cool.
Just got in. Need to eat.
very sleepy
Made chicken and broccoli, but it didn't turn out too good because I ran out of plum sauce.
Think it's bedtime soon.
me sleepy
6:13 PM
so tired
9:17 PM
666 (posts using JBW user name)
- cool.
Just got in. Need to eat.
very sleepy
time past (II)
Sometimes I feel like crying, and then there are other times when I feel like screaming. There's a lot of anger there... but the thing is, the anger came later. The anger came from the hurt. A lot of it is that I'm still being hurt, too.
I often wish my parents would kill themselves. Thing is, part of me knows that when they're dead, I'll have issues for quite a while. No matter what logic tells you, and no matter what is healthy or good for you, you never stop hoping. Even when they're dead I'll go through the whole guilt thing... doesn't matter that I logically know that it's not my fault... that I didn't ask for what I got... that it was on them. Part of me always listens to my conditioning and helps them to continue, at least part of, the abuse. It's all my fault. It's my choice. I'm bad.
It never goes away emotionally, even if you can get your brain to the point of knowing better.
A part of you always wants your "mommy" or "daddy"... even though they were never there in the first place.
...just ranting, I guess
I often wish my parents would kill themselves. Thing is, part of me knows that when they're dead, I'll have issues for quite a while. No matter what logic tells you, and no matter what is healthy or good for you, you never stop hoping. Even when they're dead I'll go through the whole guilt thing... doesn't matter that I logically know that it's not my fault... that I didn't ask for what I got... that it was on them. Part of me always listens to my conditioning and helps them to continue, at least part of, the abuse. It's all my fault. It's my choice. I'm bad.
It never goes away emotionally, even if you can get your brain to the point of knowing better.
A part of you always wants your "mommy" or "daddy"... even though they were never there in the first place.
...just ranting, I guess
from "Hello (5)" 20,21
1:50 AM
Did 45 minutes. (worked out)
Think I'm gonna have some hamburgers.
7:01 AM
I'm up.
Did 45 minutes. (worked out)
Think I'm gonna have some hamburgers.
7:01 AM
I'm up.
Monday, October 13, 2003
from "Hello (5)" 18,19
11:28 AM
still up
9:12 PM
Just got up.
Pretending like it's a new day. (How many days until Dragon Con?)
I'm going to down a protien shake about 10:30 or so, then try to work out about 11:30 or so. If I'm lucky, and all goes well, I'll be ready for a "nap" by 3 or so.
The only real problem should be tomorrow and being up for my shrink appointment.
mmmm.... decaf
still up
9:12 PM
Just got up.
Pretending like it's a new day. (How many days until Dragon Con?)
I'm going to down a protien shake about 10:30 or so, then try to work out about 11:30 or so. If I'm lucky, and all goes well, I'll be ready for a "nap" by 3 or so.
The only real problem should be tomorrow and being up for my shrink appointment.
mmmm.... decaf
Help Wanted (cont'd)
There's just too much of it. I was attempting to put it in chronological order. 10 years later...
I dunno... maybe if I could manage to see online as a "conversation"... I mean... maybe think of it as akin to verbal communication rather than as something needing to be recorded. When you talk to someone, your words disappear afterwards. I was even bad with that once though... I used to save all my phone messages in hopes of one day transcribing them to print.
deep rooted psychosis
Maybe I can touch on it in tomorrow's session. Don't know if it'll do much good though... I don't think that she has the magic answer either.
I can be my own shrink on this one...
Once upon a time, someone didn't believe you... the rest is all history.
I dunno... maybe if I could manage to see online as a "conversation"... I mean... maybe think of it as akin to verbal communication rather than as something needing to be recorded. When you talk to someone, your words disappear afterwards. I was even bad with that once though... I used to save all my phone messages in hopes of one day transcribing them to print.
deep rooted psychosis
Maybe I can touch on it in tomorrow's session. Don't know if it'll do much good though... I don't think that she has the magic answer either.
I can be my own shrink on this one...
Once upon a time, someone didn't believe you... the rest is all history.
who is...
I was going to create a who's who of the board, but then I thought... this would make a neat question.
ok... so...
The final sentence should look like this:
Juju is a bouncy 12 year old geek who lives in East Japip.
1. your name
2. one adjective that best describes you
3. your age
4. your #1 choice of label
5. your geographical location
I'll start...
JBW is a unique, 34 year old Polywere who lives in Bucks County, PA - USA.
ok... so...
The final sentence should look like this:
Juju is a bouncy 12 year old geek who lives in East Japip.
1. your name
2. one adjective that best describes you
3. your age
4. your #1 choice of label
5. your geographical location
I'll start...
JBW is a unique, 34 year old Polywere who lives in Bucks County, PA - USA.
Sunday, October 12, 2003
...how this whole mess started
When I was about 18, I purged. I thought I knew what I was doing. Within a year, I was ready to comb through landfills. From then on, it became about just in case.
So far, the only thing that's feeling like it might work is for me to focus on things like: "You don't have to prove yourself to anyone, including yourself" and "You carry memories in your brain, even if they go away for a while".
It depends on the day, or even the hour. First I'm ready to start purging, and then I go back to the point where I can't throw out a shopping list.
So far, the only thing that's feeling like it might work is for me to focus on things like: "You don't have to prove yourself to anyone, including yourself" and "You carry memories in your brain, even if they go away for a while".
It depends on the day, or even the hour. First I'm ready to start purging, and then I go back to the point where I can't throw out a shopping list.
Help Wanted
All the logic is there...
Logically I know
You can't take it with you.
If the house went up in flames, you could survive without it.
If it's that important, you'll remember it.
You don't need to prove yourself to anyone.
...but still there's this problem.
It's not pack-rat syndrome.
It might be a fear of memory loss.
I can't seem to throw out the writing.
There are thousand of pages. About 10,000 or so. Literally.
I have journals and calendars and poetry and snippets on bar napkins. I have letters and notes and cards and school papers. I have web pages and forums and e-mail and my board archives.
I have everything. The good, the bad, and the ugly.
What for? What am I saving it for? I'm so busy saving, I don't have time to read it. What's it worth? If someone doesn't know I care about them, showing them that I saved every word they ever wrote to me won't prove that to them... if they don't care about me, showing them that I saved every word they ever wrote to me won't make them care!
I don't know what to do. I don't know how to detach. I don't know how to STOP saving.
...but yet a big part of me wants the damn house to burn down.
help?
Logically I know
You can't take it with you.
If the house went up in flames, you could survive without it.
If it's that important, you'll remember it.
You don't need to prove yourself to anyone.
...but still there's this problem.
It's not pack-rat syndrome.
It might be a fear of memory loss.
I can't seem to throw out the writing.
There are thousand of pages. About 10,000 or so. Literally.
I have journals and calendars and poetry and snippets on bar napkins. I have letters and notes and cards and school papers. I have web pages and forums and e-mail and my board archives.
I have everything. The good, the bad, and the ugly.
What for? What am I saving it for? I'm so busy saving, I don't have time to read it. What's it worth? If someone doesn't know I care about them, showing them that I saved every word they ever wrote to me won't prove that to them... if they don't care about me, showing them that I saved every word they ever wrote to me won't make them care!
I don't know what to do. I don't know how to detach. I don't know how to STOP saving.
...but yet a big part of me wants the damn house to burn down.
help?
from "Hello (5)" 14
Got bored of staring at the ceiling.
Now I just have to make it until 11:00 tonight. (No nap.)
Now I just have to make it until 11:00 tonight. (No nap.)
I just need to vent for a sec.
Don't attempt to manipulate me.
My mother tried to manipulate me.
When you attempt to manipulate me, you become my mother.
I want to kill my mother.
Don't attempt to manipulate me.
My mother tried to manipulate me.
When you attempt to manipulate me, you become my mother.
I want to kill my mother.
Don't attempt to manipulate me.
Saturday, October 11, 2003
from "Hello (5)" 7-13
12:57 AM
Haven't slept. Worked out for 1/2 hour. Think I'm going to shower, then have a drinky.
1:35 AM
...I'll be here shooting aliens.
![0]](http://www.ezboard.com/images/emoticons/alien.gif)
that offends me
4:01 AM
ok, last beer (#3) and then I'm napping before MST3K.
5:11 AM
Something tells me that even though I've been up, it'll be 10 or so before I get to sleep anyway.
I'm drinking beer out of boredom.
I'm going back to ice soon.
then coffee.
It's much more fun to drink with other people.
11:28 AM
Slept for a couple of hours, then someone (perhaps the Invisible Man?) kindly rang my buzzer. Was staring at the walls for an hour or so... figured I'd get up.
very sleepy
1:41 PM
Think I'm going to try Red Clover to combat the aliens.
that's not funny
They have a bottle of capsules at Drugstore.com for about $8. I guess it can't hurt to try.
yeah, you can say that
10:16 PM
Going to be in (bed) by 11. I'm staying there until 6 at the earliest.
This has to stop. It's spiraling downwards, and I'm not liking it at all.
I somehow have to get on a schedule. I have to somehow get back to working out every other day. I somehow have to get healthy.
Haven't slept. Worked out for 1/2 hour. Think I'm going to shower, then have a drinky.
1:35 AM
...I'll be here shooting aliens.
that offends me4:01 AM
ok, last beer (#3) and then I'm napping before MST3K.
5:11 AM
Something tells me that even though I've been up, it'll be 10 or so before I get to sleep anyway.
I'm drinking beer out of boredom.
I'm going back to ice soon.
then coffee.
It's much more fun to drink with other people.
11:28 AM
Slept for a couple of hours, then someone (perhaps the Invisible Man?) kindly rang my buzzer. Was staring at the walls for an hour or so... figured I'd get up.
very sleepy
1:41 PM
Think I'm going to try Red Clover to combat the aliens.
that's not funnyThey have a bottle of capsules at Drugstore.com for about $8. I guess it can't hurt to try.
yeah, you can say that10:16 PM
Going to be in (bed) by 11. I'm staying there until 6 at the earliest.
This has to stop. It's spiraling downwards, and I'm not liking it at all.
I somehow have to get on a schedule. I have to somehow get back to working out every other day. I somehow have to get healthy.
Friday, October 10, 2003
from "Hello (5)" 5,6
(6:26 PM)
I feel completely exhausted. All I did was sleep today. I feel horrible about not working out.
When is this "phase" going to end?
(9:36 PM)
Just ate
feel tired (again)
...something tells me that working out won't happen for quite a while.
I feel completely exhausted. All I did was sleep today. I feel horrible about not working out.
When is this "phase" going to end?
(9:36 PM)
Just ate
feel tired (again)
...something tells me that working out won't happen for quite a while.
Virginity? (II)
The way it feels to me, "virginity" is something you give to someone... not something that can be taken. Part of what makes it special is because you've "saved it" for someone special. When you are sexual with another person for the "first time", and you "lose your virginity" to them, it means that they are the first person "special" enough to you to bond with in that way. You give them your virginity.
I think that it is also tied up in romantic "love".
To me, "losing one's virginity" marks the end of "sexual innocence" and the beginning of "sexual expression". The first time a person expresses their feelings of love sexually to another person, they've given... they've sacrificed their innocence to that other person.
I "lost my virginity" at 15. It was the first time I expressed my feelings of romantic love sexually. I did "sexual" things before then (won't go into that here), but at 15 it was the first time I allowed myself... chose to sexually connect with someone I physically desired. I "made love" for the first time.
I think that it is also tied up in romantic "love".
To me, "losing one's virginity" marks the end of "sexual innocence" and the beginning of "sexual expression". The first time a person expresses their feelings of love sexually to another person, they've given... they've sacrificed their innocence to that other person.
I "lost my virginity" at 15. It was the first time I expressed my feelings of romantic love sexually. I did "sexual" things before then (won't go into that here), but at 15 it was the first time I allowed myself... chose to sexually connect with someone I physically desired. I "made love" for the first time.
Stormtroopers? (b)
There were actually a couple of Hobbit dudes at the Con. We were behind them in the line (from hell) while picking up our badges.
I'm certainly more the Elf than the Hobbit. I'm short, but not that short.
On a serious note, I do actually own a 6 foot (Oak, I think) fighting stick. Even as a kid I'd always find tall sticks to carry around. (Used one on some kid who was bothering my sister when I was about 7 or 8. I think I got in trouble for that.) Used to own a couple of swords, and had a rather nifty knife collection. Too, I was rather good at archery as a kid. The taller the person, the longer the arms though... with swords, it's just an issue of range - provided you're equally matched in skill and weaponry.
Character-wise (after all, this is all about costumes), I'd sooner go for the "Gladiator" type costume than the "LOTR" type costume. If I could develop the physique for it, of course. A short sword is fine, and maybe a spear?
A few things which have caught my eye:
Spartan
Centurion
Roman Late Cavalryman (this one seems pretty fitting)
Roman Imperial Legionary (1st century AD - in lorica hamata)
Just as a side note, there is a Centurion guarding my door. Well, a statue of one, anyway. He's sort of squatting, and is about 2 feet tall. I call him "Rommy", short for Romulus... even though I have no clue as to why I named him this.
I'm sure it's one of those past-life things... but I've never explored it.
I'm certainly more the Elf than the Hobbit. I'm short, but not that short.
On a serious note, I do actually own a 6 foot (Oak, I think) fighting stick. Even as a kid I'd always find tall sticks to carry around. (Used one on some kid who was bothering my sister when I was about 7 or 8. I think I got in trouble for that.) Used to own a couple of swords, and had a rather nifty knife collection. Too, I was rather good at archery as a kid. The taller the person, the longer the arms though... with swords, it's just an issue of range - provided you're equally matched in skill and weaponry.
Character-wise (after all, this is all about costumes), I'd sooner go for the "Gladiator" type costume than the "LOTR" type costume. If I could develop the physique for it, of course. A short sword is fine, and maybe a spear?
A few things which have caught my eye:
Spartan
Centurion
Roman Late Cavalryman (this one seems pretty fitting)
Roman Imperial Legionary (1st century AD - in lorica hamata)
Just as a side note, there is a Centurion guarding my door. Well, a statue of one, anyway. He's sort of squatting, and is about 2 feet tall. I call him "Rommy", short for Romulus... even though I have no clue as to why I named him this.
I'm sure it's one of those past-life things... but I've never explored it.
Thursday, October 9, 2003
from "Hello (5)" 2,3
(6:41 AM)
well, the bathroom is clean!
(7:13 PM)
I have to lay down for a few. Can't keep my eyes open. Hope to be up for ER.
well, the bathroom is clean!
(7:13 PM)
I have to lay down for a few. Can't keep my eyes open. Hope to be up for ER.
Stormtroopers? (a)
If you had unlimited funds to spend on the ultimate costume, what would you dress as?
I'm still thinking on this. It's a tough call. I mean, if money is not an issue, part of me wants to go with the armor thing. Shoot, at my height, I could fit into some of the authentic stuff easily. There's an incredible armor exhibit at the Phila. Museum of Art. I can get lost in there for quite a while... that and the tapestries always get me.
I kind of like leather armor too though, as well as the metal stuff. Actually, metal-wise, I prefer the black armor. I'm not too into the shiny stuff.
Weapons-wise I'd be more of a staff or bow and arrow person. I'm too short (in this century) to have it make any sense to fight with a sword. That in mind, I think that the leather armor would be more fitting. It's lighter and easier to move in.
Wonder if there are any cool sites to browse through...
I'm still thinking on this. It's a tough call. I mean, if money is not an issue, part of me wants to go with the armor thing. Shoot, at my height, I could fit into some of the authentic stuff easily. There's an incredible armor exhibit at the Phila. Museum of Art. I can get lost in there for quite a while... that and the tapestries always get me.
I kind of like leather armor too though, as well as the metal stuff. Actually, metal-wise, I prefer the black armor. I'm not too into the shiny stuff.
Weapons-wise I'd be more of a staff or bow and arrow person. I'm too short (in this century) to have it make any sense to fight with a sword. That in mind, I think that the leather armor would be more fitting. It's lighter and easier to move in.
Wonder if there are any cool sites to browse through...
(The reason why you liked Donnie Darko...)
...maybe it's the idea that bad things happen for good reasons sometimes?
from "Hello (5)" 1
mmmm... Folgers at 3AM.... almost as good as pushups and crunches at 2:30AM, but not quite.
What was my IQ again?
What was my IQ again?
Wednesday, October 8, 2003
from "Hello (4)" 6-8
6:46 am
Haven't slept.
wonder if anyone is even going to read my damn bio
right...
this is me... not caring...
7:22 am
probably going to crawl into bed soon... maybe nap until UPS wakes me up
9:32 am
ok, I'm really going to bed now
Haven't slept.
wonder if anyone is even going to read my damn bio
right...
this is me... not caring...
7:22 am
probably going to crawl into bed soon... maybe nap until UPS wakes me up
9:32 am
ok, I'm really going to bed now
A sort of bio
So... a sort of bio...
I don't know how to keep things like this brief. My life is rather... complex.
So, just some facts...
I'm 34, born September 19, 1969. I was born in Philadelphia, PA... in the U.S. of A.
I smoke. I drink. I did a lot of drugs in the past, but haven't recently.
I've taken hundreds of hits of LSD.
I started smoking and drinking about the age of 11 or 12.
One day I'd like to try Peyote.
My favorite alcoholic beverage is beer. My drug of choice is cocaine.
I'm big on coffee... Folgers with milk and sugar. I drink a lot of water, and have recently developed a passion for chewing ice.
I don't shave. I buzz my head and the sides of my face, but I always have a moustache and (at least) a goatee.
I'm short. 5 ft. 5 and a half inches, to be exact. I weigh about 150 lbs. I try to exercise about an hour every other day... something new I started in order to reduce the 25 lb. beer gut I grew over a few years.
My hair is a mixture of brown, blonde and red.
My eyes change through various shades of green, grey and yellow.
I'm an American (a mutt). My bloodline is PA Dutch (German) on my mother's side and (I think) Russian and Polish (Jew) on my father's side.
There are doubts as to who my actual father is, but I'm past the point of caring.
I have about 22 tattoos. Some cover up old home done ones. I've been tattooed since about 1984, from what I can recall.
Of the 60 or so people I've been intimate with during my age of consent, I've been in love twice (still am. love never stops.), but have never been married.
I've "slept with" men, but have never had a relationship with one. Most of my partners have identified as women.
My gender is masculine, it always has been. My sex is "O" or "I" (Other or Intersexed)... legally "M", although once it was thought to be "F". I consider myself "Pansexual", but I've identified as just about everything at least once.
I've had many jobs. I did some college as a music major. I am currently legally disabled, and not able to work.
My "diagnosis" is DID, which stands for Dissociative Identity Disorder (formerly known as MPD - Multiple Personality Disorder... and NOT schizophrenia. They're 2 very different things.), and a secondary diagnosis of PTSD - Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. This came from repeated severe childhood trauma.
I have (from what I know) 18 "alters", but recently it's been suspected that there are more like 23.
My parents were both abusive, both physically and mentally. I've been through a few car accidents, disease, surgeries, a fire, being molested, living on the street, being institutionalized, and a couple of suicide attempts (although I obviously didn't try too hard).
I'm a "self mutilator". I've been slicing myself to ribbons and beating up walls since I was about 10 years old. Most of my skin is scarred and my right hand is arthritic. I've burned myself a few times. I've beaten myself with chains, whips and wire.
I've been sexually active since the age of 5.
I left home 2 months after my 15th birthday.
Although primarily a drummer, I've played at least 8 different instruments. I've mostly played Rock, and Classical. My preferred music to play is "Southern Rock"/Blues. My preferred music to listen to is Classic Rock.
I draw, and paint a little. I prefer pencil. I've designed tattoos for myself and others. Most of my work is symbolic and/or intricate.
I've written a few volumes of poetry, 90% of which I hate. I've kept a diary or journal since about the age of 8. I have thousands of pages of writing. I'm currently attempting to scale down by getting to know a paper shredder. My journals are safe though (barring fire), I made the mistake of getting rid of my childhood diaries. I've been kicking myself ever since, and have become obsessed with keeping every scrap of writing... hence the thousands of pages.
Although the internet takes up most of my energy for reading, I still have a small library. I like Whitley Strieber's horror, Stephen King, and Clive Barker for "pulp" fiction. I also enjoy Toni Morrison, Hermann Hesse, Langston Hughes, and Poe. Non-fiction-wise I like reading medical texts, books and papers on gender theory, psychology and social theory, and various books about various religions. I most often recommend "The Celestine Prophecy" because it's a pretty cool book (not too intellectual and not too mundane).
I've read tarot cards since I was about 16 or so, although I rarely read anymore. I studied various forms of magick and witchcraft intensely for approximately 15 years. I can use the title of "Priest" if I choose to.
Religion is often a very dangerous "trigger". I avoid most types of religious discussion when possible, because my instinct is to kill those who proselytize. I do, however, respect people's religious choices, and can recognize the good that can from a person's devotion to their church, religious tenets, and/or god/dess. If the conversation is respectful, I enjoy it.
I developed a taste for blood at a very young age (single digits). Without going into definitions, I've identified as a "Vampire" since sometime in 1983.
Before discovering the term "Were", I explained myself to people as having "Shaman's Blood". I've been told that I "shapeshift" to some extent, but most of my "shifting" would be considered mental or spiritual. "Polywere" accurately describes me... although Wolf and Rabbit (yeah, that's fun) are the main critters. Other, rather prevalent, ones are Bear and Raven.
My IQ has ranged, when tested, from 127 to 162.
I'm slightly ambidextrous.
My favorite food is SUSHI.
I do not and cannot drive a car, bike, or other wheeled transport.
I once walked for 12 hours continuously.
I took a bus back and forth from Philadelphia to San Fran. Each way was 76 hours.
I've had more than 30 addresses in my life.
I lived in Israel when I was 5 - 6. I spoke (fluent for a child that age) Hebrew.
I've lived in Lebanon, PA, San Francisco, CA and Bumfuck, KY. Philadelphia is my "hometown", and I spent most of my life there.
I'm allergic to A LOT of things, and have a rather testy immune system.
I have very sharp (thin) teeth, which I prefer to wash rather than brush.
If my beard gets too long, I obsessively/compulsively rip out the hairs, if my beard is too short, I play with my ear (The cartilage is rather damaged from a couple of decades of this.), or "twiddle" rubber bands, string, or some other such fingertip stimulating object.
I have a very strained relationship with my sister, who is 13 months younger than I am.
I have a (half) brother who is 13 years younger than I am. (He ROCKS!!!)
My "father" is a selfish asshole.
I want to kill my mother.
My extended family wants nothing to do with me.
I have 2 "best friends". L., who lives near me, but I don't get to see very often, and A2, who I talk to on the phone every day, but who lives in another State.
I see my shrinkydink once a week. I've been seeing her for a year now, but have had many previous docs and therapists.
Before being diagnosed DID/PTSD in 1994, I was labeled with "Major Depression - Recurrent", "Borderline Personality Disorder", and "Gender Dysphoria". Other suspected disorders include OCD, Bipolar Disorder, and Autism.
I've been on a myriad of psych meds.
My first inpatient psych-hospital stay was in 1986.
I'm hyper-sensitive to both sound and touch.
I currently live in Bucks County, PA in an apartment which the government housing people help me to afford.
I prefer colder temperatures.
Cold + Short + Sushi? I have a thing for penguins.
My (old) user name? Wolves and Ravens have a thing. Wolves follow Ravens. He who follows Ravens... Follows Ravens. Ravens symbolize Magick. Wolf. Me wolf. Arf Arf Aroooooo. It was given to me. Spirits talk to me. Don't worry about it though, the doctors say it's not schizophrenia.
I have almost 400 cassettes and about 150 CDs.
My favorite musical artists are Fleetwood Mac (and Stevie), Genesis (and Phil), David Bowie, Kate Bush, and Joan Armatrading.
My favorite visual artist is Albrecht Durer.
Favorite actor/actress is probably Johnny Depp.
I like Cher, Dolly Parton, The Carpenters, and Barry Manilow. Sue me.
I often like Country music.
There is a lot of Rap music I cannot tolerate, and pretty much hate "hip-hop", "trip-hop", and singers who whine.
I can be a music snob.
I hate when I make typos.
I get frustrated when I cannot decipher other people's writing.
Racism, sexism and homophobia have no place in my life. If you suffer from any of the above, unless you're attempting to change, you have no place in my life.
I DO NOT like to be touched. I interpret touch as sexual. A hug feels to me like being molested.
I do not like when people talk about me sexually.
I can and have reacted violently to the flash of a camera. I prefer to always be warned if someone wants to take my picture.
I do not like being recorded (audio or video). I feel violated.
Don't discuss what is or isn't in my pants with anyone who doesn't already know. That can be life threatening, and I will interpret you doing so as a threat to my life.
I fear police, doctors and other "authority" figures (for good reason). It's their word against mine, and I'm a "mentally ill freak". If you need to break a law, don't do it around me. Don't even speed. I'll slit my wrists before going to jail or being apprehended. I'd rather die by my own hand than the way I'll die if that ever happens.
My stuffed bunny and I share a bed, but I can't be touching anything other than the bed, sheets, and pillow, if I want to fall asleep. (ok, and myself, but I'm not going to set anyone up with that one. )
I have a severe sleep disorder. Unless very drugged I cannot sleep more than about 3 hours continuously. I usually sleep in increments of 45 to 90 minutes. (I used to think this was the way all people slept. ) This makes me VERY cranky. I've been cranky for the last 30 years or so.
I usually frighten the doctors and nurses when coming out of anesthesia.
I like my space. I often need to be alone.
I'm a Dragon. Often, when I open my mouth, people get burned.
*sighs*
...and no, I don't have any balls.
I don't know how to keep things like this brief. My life is rather... complex.
So, just some facts...
I'm 34, born September 19, 1969. I was born in Philadelphia, PA... in the U.S. of A.
I smoke. I drink. I did a lot of drugs in the past, but haven't recently.
I've taken hundreds of hits of LSD.
I started smoking and drinking about the age of 11 or 12.
One day I'd like to try Peyote.
My favorite alcoholic beverage is beer. My drug of choice is cocaine.
I'm big on coffee... Folgers with milk and sugar. I drink a lot of water, and have recently developed a passion for chewing ice.
I don't shave. I buzz my head and the sides of my face, but I always have a moustache and (at least) a goatee.
I'm short. 5 ft. 5 and a half inches, to be exact. I weigh about 150 lbs. I try to exercise about an hour every other day... something new I started in order to reduce the 25 lb. beer gut I grew over a few years.
My hair is a mixture of brown, blonde and red.
My eyes change through various shades of green, grey and yellow.
I'm an American (a mutt). My bloodline is PA Dutch (German) on my mother's side and (I think) Russian and Polish (Jew) on my father's side.
There are doubts as to who my actual father is, but I'm past the point of caring.
I have about 22 tattoos. Some cover up old home done ones. I've been tattooed since about 1984, from what I can recall.
Of the 60 or so people I've been intimate with during my age of consent, I've been in love twice (still am. love never stops.), but have never been married.
I've "slept with" men, but have never had a relationship with one. Most of my partners have identified as women.
My gender is masculine, it always has been. My sex is "O" or "I" (Other or Intersexed)... legally "M", although once it was thought to be "F". I consider myself "Pansexual", but I've identified as just about everything at least once.
I've had many jobs. I did some college as a music major. I am currently legally disabled, and not able to work.
My "diagnosis" is DID, which stands for Dissociative Identity Disorder (formerly known as MPD - Multiple Personality Disorder... and NOT schizophrenia. They're 2 very different things.), and a secondary diagnosis of PTSD - Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. This came from repeated severe childhood trauma.
I have (from what I know) 18 "alters", but recently it's been suspected that there are more like 23.
My parents were both abusive, both physically and mentally. I've been through a few car accidents, disease, surgeries, a fire, being molested, living on the street, being institutionalized, and a couple of suicide attempts (although I obviously didn't try too hard).
I'm a "self mutilator". I've been slicing myself to ribbons and beating up walls since I was about 10 years old. Most of my skin is scarred and my right hand is arthritic. I've burned myself a few times. I've beaten myself with chains, whips and wire.
I've been sexually active since the age of 5.
I left home 2 months after my 15th birthday.
Although primarily a drummer, I've played at least 8 different instruments. I've mostly played Rock, and Classical. My preferred music to play is "Southern Rock"/Blues. My preferred music to listen to is Classic Rock.
I draw, and paint a little. I prefer pencil. I've designed tattoos for myself and others. Most of my work is symbolic and/or intricate.
I've written a few volumes of poetry, 90% of which I hate. I've kept a diary or journal since about the age of 8. I have thousands of pages of writing. I'm currently attempting to scale down by getting to know a paper shredder. My journals are safe though (barring fire), I made the mistake of getting rid of my childhood diaries. I've been kicking myself ever since, and have become obsessed with keeping every scrap of writing... hence the thousands of pages.
Although the internet takes up most of my energy for reading, I still have a small library. I like Whitley Strieber's horror, Stephen King, and Clive Barker for "pulp" fiction. I also enjoy Toni Morrison, Hermann Hesse, Langston Hughes, and Poe. Non-fiction-wise I like reading medical texts, books and papers on gender theory, psychology and social theory, and various books about various religions. I most often recommend "The Celestine Prophecy" because it's a pretty cool book (not too intellectual and not too mundane).
I've read tarot cards since I was about 16 or so, although I rarely read anymore. I studied various forms of magick and witchcraft intensely for approximately 15 years. I can use the title of "Priest" if I choose to.
Religion is often a very dangerous "trigger". I avoid most types of religious discussion when possible, because my instinct is to kill those who proselytize. I do, however, respect people's religious choices, and can recognize the good that can from a person's devotion to their church, religious tenets, and/or god/dess. If the conversation is respectful, I enjoy it.
I developed a taste for blood at a very young age (single digits). Without going into definitions, I've identified as a "Vampire" since sometime in 1983.
Before discovering the term "Were", I explained myself to people as having "Shaman's Blood". I've been told that I "shapeshift" to some extent, but most of my "shifting" would be considered mental or spiritual. "Polywere" accurately describes me... although Wolf and Rabbit (yeah, that's fun) are the main critters. Other, rather prevalent, ones are Bear and Raven.
My IQ has ranged, when tested, from 127 to 162.
I'm slightly ambidextrous.
My favorite food is SUSHI.
I do not and cannot drive a car, bike, or other wheeled transport.
I once walked for 12 hours continuously.
I took a bus back and forth from Philadelphia to San Fran. Each way was 76 hours.
I've had more than 30 addresses in my life.
I lived in Israel when I was 5 - 6. I spoke (fluent for a child that age) Hebrew.
I've lived in Lebanon, PA, San Francisco, CA and Bumfuck, KY. Philadelphia is my "hometown", and I spent most of my life there.
I'm allergic to A LOT of things, and have a rather testy immune system.
I have very sharp (thin) teeth, which I prefer to wash rather than brush.
If my beard gets too long, I obsessively/compulsively rip out the hairs, if my beard is too short, I play with my ear (The cartilage is rather damaged from a couple of decades of this.), or "twiddle" rubber bands, string, or some other such fingertip stimulating object.
I have a very strained relationship with my sister, who is 13 months younger than I am.
I have a (half) brother who is 13 years younger than I am. (He ROCKS!!!)
My "father" is a selfish asshole.
I want to kill my mother.
My extended family wants nothing to do with me.
I have 2 "best friends". L., who lives near me, but I don't get to see very often, and A2, who I talk to on the phone every day, but who lives in another State.
I see my shrinkydink once a week. I've been seeing her for a year now, but have had many previous docs and therapists.
Before being diagnosed DID/PTSD in 1994, I was labeled with "Major Depression - Recurrent", "Borderline Personality Disorder", and "Gender Dysphoria". Other suspected disorders include OCD, Bipolar Disorder, and Autism.
I've been on a myriad of psych meds.
My first inpatient psych-hospital stay was in 1986.
I'm hyper-sensitive to both sound and touch.
I currently live in Bucks County, PA in an apartment which the government housing people help me to afford.
I prefer colder temperatures.
Cold + Short + Sushi? I have a thing for penguins.
My (old) user name? Wolves and Ravens have a thing. Wolves follow Ravens. He who follows Ravens... Follows Ravens. Ravens symbolize Magick. Wolf. Me wolf. Arf Arf Aroooooo. It was given to me. Spirits talk to me. Don't worry about it though, the doctors say it's not schizophrenia.
I have almost 400 cassettes and about 150 CDs.
My favorite musical artists are Fleetwood Mac (and Stevie), Genesis (and Phil), David Bowie, Kate Bush, and Joan Armatrading.
My favorite visual artist is Albrecht Durer.
Favorite actor/actress is probably Johnny Depp.
I like Cher, Dolly Parton, The Carpenters, and Barry Manilow. Sue me.
I often like Country music.
There is a lot of Rap music I cannot tolerate, and pretty much hate "hip-hop", "trip-hop", and singers who whine.
I can be a music snob.
I hate when I make typos.
I get frustrated when I cannot decipher other people's writing.
Racism, sexism and homophobia have no place in my life. If you suffer from any of the above, unless you're attempting to change, you have no place in my life.
I DO NOT like to be touched. I interpret touch as sexual. A hug feels to me like being molested.
I do not like when people talk about me sexually.
I can and have reacted violently to the flash of a camera. I prefer to always be warned if someone wants to take my picture.
I do not like being recorded (audio or video). I feel violated.
Don't discuss what is or isn't in my pants with anyone who doesn't already know. That can be life threatening, and I will interpret you doing so as a threat to my life.
I fear police, doctors and other "authority" figures (for good reason). It's their word against mine, and I'm a "mentally ill freak". If you need to break a law, don't do it around me. Don't even speed. I'll slit my wrists before going to jail or being apprehended. I'd rather die by my own hand than the way I'll die if that ever happens.
My stuffed bunny and I share a bed, but I can't be touching anything other than the bed, sheets, and pillow, if I want to fall asleep. (ok, and myself, but I'm not going to set anyone up with that one. )
I have a severe sleep disorder. Unless very drugged I cannot sleep more than about 3 hours continuously. I usually sleep in increments of 45 to 90 minutes. (I used to think this was the way all people slept. ) This makes me VERY cranky. I've been cranky for the last 30 years or so.
I usually frighten the doctors and nurses when coming out of anesthesia.
I like my space. I often need to be alone.
I'm a Dragon. Often, when I open my mouth, people get burned.
*sighs*
...and no, I don't have any balls.
Tuesday, October 7, 2003
Monday, October 6, 2003
sleepwalking (2,3)
(1:01 am)
...that's another thing.... hunger
I'm ready to eat the damn paint off of the walls.
If this is any indication, it's going to be one hell of a Winter.
(6:18 am)
Woke up about an hour ago... I've been in bed worrying about every possible thing... from "what if "they" poison the water" to "wonder if this groin alien is cancer"...
I suppose it's all part of the "be prepared" thing... logical for approaching Winter... but I've never noticed it to this degree...
...that's another thing.... hunger
I'm ready to eat the damn paint off of the walls.
If this is any indication, it's going to be one hell of a Winter.
(6:18 am)
Woke up about an hour ago... I've been in bed worrying about every possible thing... from "what if "they" poison the water" to "wonder if this groin alien is cancer"...
I suppose it's all part of the "be prepared" thing... logical for approaching Winter... but I've never noticed it to this degree...
Sunday, October 5, 2003
sleepwalking (1)
Is anyone else being really affected by something unknown right now? I'm guessing it's the change of seasons... but it's all I can do to crawl out of bed for more than a few hours at a time. I want to do things (and no, my usual head stuff isn't the cause), but I can't manage to do anything.
from "Hello (4)" 3
Doing everything I can not to crawl back into bed... but I'm losing that battle quickly.
Nothing personal
Nothing wrong with a hug, I like to give them, and I like to get them! So when we meet ...I got a BIG HUG just for you!
Mx, hugs are not something I can do very easily (with anyone).
I prefer not to be touched.
Mx, hugs are not something I can do very easily (with anyone).
I prefer not to be touched.
Saturday, October 4, 2003
Virginity? (I)
My personal opinion?
Virginity has nothing to do with a penis, unless the penis happens to be attached to your own body. The first time another person brings you to orgasm, or you allow them to try, you've lost your virginity.
Virginity has nothing to do with a penis, unless the penis happens to be attached to your own body. The first time another person brings you to orgasm, or you allow them to try, you've lost your virginity.
from "Hello (4)" 2
I'm going nuts. (yes, but I'm popular amongst the squirrels!)
I have to figure out something that's going to work, in so far as working out is concerned. Between feeling completely exhausted and simply not feeling like it, I'm stalled.
"Every other day" doesn't work. Things come up. "Every day" is too much. "Creative scheduling" is, apparently, no good either.
I don't know what to do.
I'm stuck.
I didn't want for this to happen... it feels like a damn chore.
Maybe I should go to "if I feel like it", and leave it at that.
I have to figure out something that's going to work, in so far as working out is concerned. Between feeling completely exhausted and simply not feeling like it, I'm stalled.
"Every other day" doesn't work. Things come up. "Every day" is too much. "Creative scheduling" is, apparently, no good either.
I don't know what to do.
I'm stuck.
I didn't want for this to happen... it feels like a damn chore.
Maybe I should go to "if I feel like it", and leave it at that.
(Healer, heal thyself.)
I think a big part of it is allowing others to heal you.
You can think of it this way... allowing someone to heal you empowers them. You're actually giving them something. It feels good to feel needed... you can give that gift to someone.
You can think of it this way... allowing someone to heal you empowers them. You're actually giving them something. It feels good to feel needed... you can give that gift to someone.
Question for the resident Weres (IV)
about smelling...
As a Were (or what I deem to be a Were), smell is VERY important to me. Along with that, I also use the word "smell" for lack of a better term. Basically, although online I can pick up (to a degree) on a person's energy, until I'm physically around them, I don't know. Online, there are little clues... in how a person writes... what they choose to reply to (or not)... the energy that comes from their posts... but all that can be "faked" and/or misinterpreted. It's just tough for me to understand how Weres can form packs, unless they meet in "real life". Too, pack is pack. Distance from pack can sometimes be painful. It's the only time I actually find myself howling. (I think it means "where are you?" in some sort of woofy language.)
I went to a howl once. I was the only one who didn't. I'm just not a howl-on-cue person. Howling just sort of happens. (I won't go too far into that though... I can also think about it in a "you'll howl with your own pack, but not with others" perspective, but I'd rather not hyper-analyze it.)
...then, there was the WereTurkey... (*lol*)
As a Were (or what I deem to be a Were), smell is VERY important to me. Along with that, I also use the word "smell" for lack of a better term. Basically, although online I can pick up (to a degree) on a person's energy, until I'm physically around them, I don't know. Online, there are little clues... in how a person writes... what they choose to reply to (or not)... the energy that comes from their posts... but all that can be "faked" and/or misinterpreted. It's just tough for me to understand how Weres can form packs, unless they meet in "real life". Too, pack is pack. Distance from pack can sometimes be painful. It's the only time I actually find myself howling. (I think it means "where are you?" in some sort of woofy language.)
I went to a howl once. I was the only one who didn't. I'm just not a howl-on-cue person. Howling just sort of happens. (I won't go too far into that though... I can also think about it in a "you'll howl with your own pack, but not with others" perspective, but I'd rather not hyper-analyze it.)
...then, there was the WereTurkey... (*lol*)
Friday, October 3, 2003
from "Hello (4)" 1
Well, the good news is that I can get drunk off of 5 beers.
The bad news is that I got drunk off of 5 beers.
ugh.
Everything is a mess now. Everything I was supposed to do by now is not done.
...Have to, at least, manage to pay the damn rent.
The bad news is that I got drunk off of 5 beers.
ugh.
Everything is a mess now. Everything I was supposed to do by now is not done.
...Have to, at least, manage to pay the damn rent.
Dragon Con 2004 (w/A2 - 6)
I keep hearing the train whistle... makes me think of riding on the train, of course.
too many days
too many days
Thursday, October 2, 2003
Not Anonymous
I'm having my first beer since Saturday. It's a Lite beer. This was the longest I went without a drink in about 6 years.
I don't want pats on the back, nor do I even want to say that I'm quitting or trying to quit. I'm not quitting. Quitting is letting the alcohol control me. It's a beverage. It's not God.
I'm God.
I don't want pats on the back, nor do I even want to say that I'm quitting or trying to quit. I'm not quitting. Quitting is letting the alcohol control me. It's a beverage. It's not God.
I'm God.
Wednesday, October 1, 2003
Question for the resident Weres (III)
I don't know why, but (something written) made this pop into my head:
How do you know they're pack if you can't smell them?
I guess as close to "pack" as I can get with Weres is "Were like me"... and I don't know that until I meet someone face to face.
I dunno... I've seen a lot of "clique" behavior in online "packs"... turning up of the nose, back stabbing motivated by rumor, that sort of thing. I've never been exactly jealous of it... more suspicious and hurt. It doesn't happen as much offline though, more online.
How do you know they're pack if you can't smell them?
I guess as close to "pack" as I can get with Weres is "Were like me"... and I don't know that until I meet someone face to face.
I dunno... I've seen a lot of "clique" behavior in online "packs"... turning up of the nose, back stabbing motivated by rumor, that sort of thing. I've never been exactly jealous of it... more suspicious and hurt. It doesn't happen as much offline though, more online.
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