Here's your warning:
This is a VERY angry vent on issues having to do with Gender, Sex, and Sexuality. If you don't want to read about these things, then hit your back button. If you're tired of hearing my shit on this, hit your back button. Basically, if you don't want to read it... Don't.
I'm foaming at the mouth. It happens when I have to pick at scabs. It happens when I have to be the one to educate people who are much more content being ignorant than opening their minds and becoming a little more accepting.
I just don't get it. To me it is SO simple. People are people and they have the right to be who they are, call themselves what they want, and not be discriminated against for it. I'm SO sick of people who view Transgendered people, Transvestites, Hermaphrodites, and Intersexed people as if they are diseased. "Oh... you should TELL people! OH! That's LYING!!!!" FUCK YOU!!!! Are you lying because you neglected to mention that mole on your elbow?!?! Are you lying because your dick is a little smaller than average? Who are you to say that it is a person's responsibility to tell you their entire life history and detail what is in their pants before kissing you?!?! Are you going to contract some sort of deadly illness from them? It's NO ONE'S responsibility to tell you anything! If you're THAT fucking concerned about your ego, ASK!
A woman is a woman! I don't care whether she's short a breast, or plus a testicle! If you view her as less of a woman or as some sort of FREAK because of that, then that's your own fucking ego problem!
Then there are the wonderful caring people who LOVE to say, "Oh, the whole world is not out to get you!" and "Why do you have to bring this up all the time?" and "Why can't you let it go, you're making much more of an issue about it than anyone else is!" WHAT A FUCKING CROCK OF SHIT!!!!
You try it... try fearing being arrested or humiliated every time you have to use the bathroom and are not alone in your own home! You try just going out to a bar and being stared at and whispered about the whole night. You try fearing for your life every time you walk down the street. You try wondering whether a person actually loves you or whether they're with you just because they have a fetish for freaks! You try being petrified of cops and doctors and nurses to the point of preferring death to contact with any of them! You try being a medical experiment all your life! You try being forced to cross dress until you can get the hell out of the house you're being "raised" in. You try being told that you're mentally infirm because you know who you are! You try being mutilated at birth and NOT holding a fucking grudge! You try choosing to express yourself by wearing clothing that society deems you cannot wear because of what is in your pants, risking your life by leaving the house in it, and then having to listen to people who tell you that you must be a "sissy" or a "fag"! Do you REALLY think that you have more balls than a man who chooses to wear "women's" clothing because he likes the way it makes him feel? I DARE you to try it for even a week!
Yeah... it's a CHOICE, right?!?!? What the fuck is your problem?!! Is insulin a CHOICE? Is Chemo? Is breathing?! Do you REALLY think that a person would endure (not to mention sacrificing everything in order to pay for) the tortures of electrolysis, removing body parts, risking their jobs, their spouses, their children, and risking humiliation and a life of fear for the rest of their life BY CHOICE!!?!?!? What do you think the choice is? Where's the CHOICE?!?!
Do you REALLY think that people "do this just to get attention"?!?!? Do you REALLY think that this sort of life is EASY?!?!? DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT THE MENTAL ANGUISH EVER STOPS FOR A FUCKING INSTANT?!?!?!??!
Think what you want, just stay the hell away from me, because I'm a HELL of a lot stronger than you will EVER be and my words are NOT my only asset.
Saturday, April 7, 2001
Friday, April 6, 2001
(Blood Is Blood....) wrap up
It can be heavily debated for quite some time, I think... but my definitions are (as posted previously):
Psi-Vamp - One who requires an above average amount of Psi-energy in order to stay healthy and functioning.
Blood-Vamp - One who requires ingesting blood in order to stay healthy and functioning.
I might add this though... Vampire - One who, in order to stay healthy and functioning, drinks the blood/consumes the energy of other people in above average amounts.
I also believe that the Vampire has both Mental and Spiritual aspects that are different from the majority of people, but I think that's another topic.
Psi-Vamp - One who requires an above average amount of Psi-energy in order to stay healthy and functioning.
Blood-Vamp - One who requires ingesting blood in order to stay healthy and functioning.
I might add this though... Vampire - One who, in order to stay healthy and functioning, drinks the blood/consumes the energy of other people in above average amounts.
I also believe that the Vampire has both Mental and Spiritual aspects that are different from the majority of people, but I think that's another topic.
(Who Are You?)
I'm sure that I could write a few pages in response to this question. Lots of stories to tell... about how I got to know the net, about the experiences I've had with people online... but I'll try to be brief. I don't want to bore the pee out of anyone.
I ask who you are, in the sense of who you are online....do you lie, if so, why would/do you?
I don't lie. There are sins of omission, but even with those things, if I'm asked, I tell the truth... unless someone asks me my address in order to come to my house and get into a physical altercation. I'm a lucky person... I've made some wonderful, loyal friends in my life. If someone showed up at my door for that reason, they'd last all of 5 seconds... then I'd either be in court while my friends were on trial for murder, or I'd be locked up the rest of my life.... neither of which is something I want to go through or put my friends through. The way I see it, the only lie worth telling is one that is in self-defense or in the defense of a loved one. Lies are "evil" to me. Given, truth is transient, but there's a big difference between a transient truth and an outright lie.
Do you create a persona that you would like others to see you as, or is it the "other side" of you that most aren't allowed to see, or that you can't be IRL?
I am the same online as off. Who I am varies... that's an MPD thing... but my system reflects online the same way it will reflect off. There's nothing that I am online that I am not offline... unless it is for safety reasons. For example, although I really don't care who online knows that I'm Intersexed, I do care offline. I don't go into dangerous or potentially violent situations offline. I don't like jail, I don't like institutions, and I don't like violence. Online people can hurl all the words they want, offline it's often not just words that are hurled. Closed minded people are just idiotic online, offline they can be the cause of needing plastic surgery, hospitalization, or a body bag. Doesn't matter if I "win" the fight or they do.... one of us is going to end up in a bad way. That's not something I want in my life.
Do you know who you are by now, yet are still asking questions and seeking answers?
I'm always trying to learn. We all change as we grow, and so there's always something new to learn about oneself. I know who I am at the core... (or in MPD language: We know who we are as a system and as individual cores) but there's always something to learn. Life rarely stagnates... it's part of the beauty in it. I ask so many questions that I had to go and create this site. *chuckles* I know who I am, and who that is is always growing and changing.
What would you do if you found out someone has lied to you, someone that you had trusted so much that it almost seemed impossible that a lie could be uttered from their mouth? Someone that told you lies about others,and sadly you were influenced by what they had said because they were so convincing?
Remove that person from my life. Take the time to mourn, then pick myself up, dust myself off, and attempt to learn from the painful experience. Repeat to myself over and over "No pain, no gain" and "It could have been worse" as I make my way to the next lesson.
Could you live with yourself for trying to be open minded, and yet so totally stupid for falling into the "trap"?
Trusting people is not stupid, it's loving. I, personally, hate loving people. Love hurts... and it takes A LOT of strength to love. I often don't feel strong enough to love. I'm just too full of fear.
Could it be possible that this person was simply feeding you lies and "eating" up your emotions, if so, what would you do?
Again... walk away. Love yourself for a while. You deserve a break from the heavy task of loving others... and you deserve your own love at least as much as those others do.
I ask who you are, in the sense of who you are online....do you lie, if so, why would/do you?
I don't lie. There are sins of omission, but even with those things, if I'm asked, I tell the truth... unless someone asks me my address in order to come to my house and get into a physical altercation. I'm a lucky person... I've made some wonderful, loyal friends in my life. If someone showed up at my door for that reason, they'd last all of 5 seconds... then I'd either be in court while my friends were on trial for murder, or I'd be locked up the rest of my life.... neither of which is something I want to go through or put my friends through. The way I see it, the only lie worth telling is one that is in self-defense or in the defense of a loved one. Lies are "evil" to me. Given, truth is transient, but there's a big difference between a transient truth and an outright lie.
Do you create a persona that you would like others to see you as, or is it the "other side" of you that most aren't allowed to see, or that you can't be IRL?
I am the same online as off. Who I am varies... that's an MPD thing... but my system reflects online the same way it will reflect off. There's nothing that I am online that I am not offline... unless it is for safety reasons. For example, although I really don't care who online knows that I'm Intersexed, I do care offline. I don't go into dangerous or potentially violent situations offline. I don't like jail, I don't like institutions, and I don't like violence. Online people can hurl all the words they want, offline it's often not just words that are hurled. Closed minded people are just idiotic online, offline they can be the cause of needing plastic surgery, hospitalization, or a body bag. Doesn't matter if I "win" the fight or they do.... one of us is going to end up in a bad way. That's not something I want in my life.
Do you know who you are by now, yet are still asking questions and seeking answers?
I'm always trying to learn. We all change as we grow, and so there's always something new to learn about oneself. I know who I am at the core... (or in MPD language: We know who we are as a system and as individual cores) but there's always something to learn. Life rarely stagnates... it's part of the beauty in it. I ask so many questions that I had to go and create this site. *chuckles* I know who I am, and who that is is always growing and changing.
What would you do if you found out someone has lied to you, someone that you had trusted so much that it almost seemed impossible that a lie could be uttered from their mouth? Someone that told you lies about others,and sadly you were influenced by what they had said because they were so convincing?
Remove that person from my life. Take the time to mourn, then pick myself up, dust myself off, and attempt to learn from the painful experience. Repeat to myself over and over "No pain, no gain" and "It could have been worse" as I make my way to the next lesson.
Could you live with yourself for trying to be open minded, and yet so totally stupid for falling into the "trap"?
Trusting people is not stupid, it's loving. I, personally, hate loving people. Love hurts... and it takes A LOT of strength to love. I often don't feel strong enough to love. I'm just too full of fear.
Could it be possible that this person was simply feeding you lies and "eating" up your emotions, if so, what would you do?
Again... walk away. Love yourself for a while. You deserve a break from the heavy task of loving others... and you deserve your own love at least as much as those others do.
Sunday, April 1, 2001
(Blood Is Blood....) about the fleas
I was just thinking about what I said about fleas. I'm not so sure if it's 100% accurate. I mean, fleas might not be Vampiric. I suppose it all depends on the definition of "Vampiric". Fleas drink the blood of OTHER species, not the blood of one another (not that I'm aware of, anyway). I suppose that it depends on whether or not you classify Vampires as a separate species from humans or not. I tend to see Vampires as "People" who drink the blood of other "People", although I'm not sure whether or not I would dub "Vampires" as "Human". I suppose that it's another topic though... maybe. Perhaps Vampirism is closer to Cannibalism.
I sure am writing a lot today. I think maybe I should cut back on the coffee.
I sure am writing a lot today. I think maybe I should cut back on the coffee.
(Blood Is Blood....) cont'd further
"Cold and detached" is rather accurate. Like any food, there is nourishment in blood... and because it is fresh and the donor is alive there is energy of sorts, but again, the need is not for that energy, it's for the blood... the taste, the nourishment, the texture.... (great, now you've got my mouth watering.)
Are people turnips to Vampires? Yes and no... depends on the Vampire. I see all living things as equal. With people, I ask first and pay the donor the price asked in exchange for blood. I don't have to kill the donor. With animals I give thanks to their spirit and to those who can kill animals... because I cannot without suffering with them. With turnips, I give thanks to their spirit and to the farmers who can detach from killing plants better than I can. Do I attach to my donors? Not unless that is part of the price they require for donating. They give me blood, I give them energy (in the form of attention) or whatever it is that they ask for that I can give. I don't attach to my food... even though I am thankful for it, but in the same respect, I attach to everything because I have compassion. If a creature died so that I might live, I feel a deep sense of gratitude and do mourn them. With drinking blood though, I'm not killing a person, I'm taking blood. The turnip was killed. The burger/cow was killed. The person was not. You can't compare the person to the turnip or cow. The person is still alive. Do you attach to the cow who gave you milk?
It depends on the Vampire though. I'm not a killer, it's not necessary to kill to get human blood, but I'm sure there are those who do kill... Vampires who do indeed just see people as turnips and who see turnips as things rather than beings. I'm not one of them though... at this point in time, I see all life as life and I do not enjoy killing for no reason other than to satisfy myself. I can't even mow a damn lawn without feeling horrible afterwards.
It's odd how the myths run with all of this and how the picture of what a Vampire is has mutated along with the invention of the motion picture... how it became a fashion and a lifestyle for people. I always thought it was just about what you ingest for nourishment. In the past, the lifestylers I deemed "Vampyres" and the "Real" Vamps I deemed "Vampires". True, it's all labels, but at the heart of it all is whether or not (what I've deemed) Vampires (other than myself) exist. That's why the first word I ever typed into a search engine was "Vampire". I suppose that I feel the need to connect with other (human) Vampires.
Fleas are Vampiric... does that make them sexy? I think not... but I do feel that I have more in common with them than I do a "Vampyre". In past topics I attempted to explain myself by saying that I was more "Nosferatu" and less "Dracula"... point being... to me, Vampires are indeed quite ugly to most... maybe not so much on the aesthetic level (depending on the Vampire), but most people do not understand emotional detachment... most people find it rather repulsive that another person could take their blood and not give the slightest crap about them... that they're often seen not as a donor, but as a turnip. It's the compassionate "human" part of the Vampire that asks first or turns it into an exchange... but it's not done to fulfill the Vampire, it's done to pacify the "donor".
Again... just my opinions and experiences talking here.
... there are just SO many sides to this topic that are well worth discussion.
Just to add this though... it's not that I'm NEVER attached to a donor. It's just that the attachment does not stem from the fact that I am drinking their blood. The attachment comes from the fact that they are my friend, lover, or just because they are a living being like I am (but that's more of a respect than an attachment). Until there's an AIDS vaccine, drinking the blood of strangers is not a wise practice if you desire to remain HIV negative. This makes it necessary to "feed" from people you can trust. In that, there is usually an attachment there already. This reality has definitely caused me to remain rather unsatisfied and I'm constantly trying to think up some solution to the problem.
When it comes to my own preferences, I'd prefer an AIDS vaccine and the ability to feed from strangers rather than those I am attached to. Depending on friends and lovers for blood sort of tilts the relationship... makes me too dependent on them and makes me feel constantly in debt. As well, just thinking about eating and sex together makes me nauseous... and drinking blood is eating (to me). Even with the strangers though, if I could avoid paying for it, I'd prefer that. Just give me the blood and go away. If I have to give something, it's not really adding to my overall energy... at best, it breaks even. I get nourishment/food energy from the blood, but I lose psi-energy from having to donate it to the donor... that leaves me needing to psi-feed to replace what I lost. If human blood could be bottled, kept fresh, and not turn into jello without adding chemicals, I'd have a well stocked pantry.
Are people turnips to Vampires? Yes and no... depends on the Vampire. I see all living things as equal. With people, I ask first and pay the donor the price asked in exchange for blood. I don't have to kill the donor. With animals I give thanks to their spirit and to those who can kill animals... because I cannot without suffering with them. With turnips, I give thanks to their spirit and to the farmers who can detach from killing plants better than I can. Do I attach to my donors? Not unless that is part of the price they require for donating. They give me blood, I give them energy (in the form of attention) or whatever it is that they ask for that I can give. I don't attach to my food... even though I am thankful for it, but in the same respect, I attach to everything because I have compassion. If a creature died so that I might live, I feel a deep sense of gratitude and do mourn them. With drinking blood though, I'm not killing a person, I'm taking blood. The turnip was killed. The burger/cow was killed. The person was not. You can't compare the person to the turnip or cow. The person is still alive. Do you attach to the cow who gave you milk?
It depends on the Vampire though. I'm not a killer, it's not necessary to kill to get human blood, but I'm sure there are those who do kill... Vampires who do indeed just see people as turnips and who see turnips as things rather than beings. I'm not one of them though... at this point in time, I see all life as life and I do not enjoy killing for no reason other than to satisfy myself. I can't even mow a damn lawn without feeling horrible afterwards.
It's odd how the myths run with all of this and how the picture of what a Vampire is has mutated along with the invention of the motion picture... how it became a fashion and a lifestyle for people. I always thought it was just about what you ingest for nourishment. In the past, the lifestylers I deemed "Vampyres" and the "Real" Vamps I deemed "Vampires". True, it's all labels, but at the heart of it all is whether or not (what I've deemed) Vampires (other than myself) exist. That's why the first word I ever typed into a search engine was "Vampire". I suppose that I feel the need to connect with other (human) Vampires.
Fleas are Vampiric... does that make them sexy? I think not... but I do feel that I have more in common with them than I do a "Vampyre". In past topics I attempted to explain myself by saying that I was more "Nosferatu" and less "Dracula"... point being... to me, Vampires are indeed quite ugly to most... maybe not so much on the aesthetic level (depending on the Vampire), but most people do not understand emotional detachment... most people find it rather repulsive that another person could take their blood and not give the slightest crap about them... that they're often seen not as a donor, but as a turnip. It's the compassionate "human" part of the Vampire that asks first or turns it into an exchange... but it's not done to fulfill the Vampire, it's done to pacify the "donor".
Again... just my opinions and experiences talking here.
... there are just SO many sides to this topic that are well worth discussion.
Just to add this though... it's not that I'm NEVER attached to a donor. It's just that the attachment does not stem from the fact that I am drinking their blood. The attachment comes from the fact that they are my friend, lover, or just because they are a living being like I am (but that's more of a respect than an attachment). Until there's an AIDS vaccine, drinking the blood of strangers is not a wise practice if you desire to remain HIV negative. This makes it necessary to "feed" from people you can trust. In that, there is usually an attachment there already. This reality has definitely caused me to remain rather unsatisfied and I'm constantly trying to think up some solution to the problem.
When it comes to my own preferences, I'd prefer an AIDS vaccine and the ability to feed from strangers rather than those I am attached to. Depending on friends and lovers for blood sort of tilts the relationship... makes me too dependent on them and makes me feel constantly in debt. As well, just thinking about eating and sex together makes me nauseous... and drinking blood is eating (to me). Even with the strangers though, if I could avoid paying for it, I'd prefer that. Just give me the blood and go away. If I have to give something, it's not really adding to my overall energy... at best, it breaks even. I get nourishment/food energy from the blood, but I lose psi-energy from having to donate it to the donor... that leaves me needing to psi-feed to replace what I lost. If human blood could be bottled, kept fresh, and not turn into jello without adding chemicals, I'd have a well stocked pantry.
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