10:35 AM - 1/31/06
~Closing the month
Pain woke me up. It was the oddest thing. It'll sound small, but it didn't feel small at all. It felt like someone had driven a nail through the tip of my pinky toe on my right foot. Holy fudge-making mother of George, it HURT. I fell back to sleep when it passed, but then it woke me up again. Very not good.
I think that I read, or heard, somewhere, that when you have "digit" problems, it's usually spine related. I don't know if that's true or not, but it wouldn't surprise me. Had some really messed up pains, way too close to my spine, yesterday. Sort of a hot, zap-like thing... about an inch or two to the right of the spine, about half way down my back. Festive.
It's just pretty frustrating that no matter what I go through, there's really nothing they can do. I either ride these things out until I die, or I go into the hospital where they'll torture me until I do. Harold and Bunny are voting for skipping the whole hospital thing. Nessie seems to want to go into the hospital. I don't know what her deal is, but I suspect that it might be that she has a crush on chairy. I caught them playing around in the hospital, the other night.
The eye is still bad, but I haven't seen the crackles yet. It's resting at "eye booger" phase, I suppose. Same with the legs... they seem to be resting at "jello". Fun stuff.
I suppose that it'll all be up to Neurodude when he gets back from Vacation. I'll tell you what though, if he wants me in the hospital, he'd better take the 20 mintes to come up to the ER and personally see to it that things go smoothly... including writing orders on my chart to allow me LOTS of happy drugs to calm me down while I'm in there. I think that Nessie and Chairy are planning a riot.
12:19 PM - 1/31/06
~bumpy ride
My right bicep is twitching out of control. It's scaring me.
Most of the new problems have been on my right side, from the toe, to the eye, to the back, to the bicep. Must be a whopper of a lesion on the left.
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Monday, January 30, 2006
January 30, 2006
7:48 AM - 1/30/06
~should be interesting
Last night was a rough night. Too much emotion, too little time. It's like my brain vomits intensity all over me. Raw nerves. I guess that's about the size of it.
Today is bound to be frustrating. Getting in touch with Neurodude is like pulling shark teeth. Damn near impossible. I've already started the preliminary conversation in my head...
"Can you please page my Neurodude for me?"
"What is this regarding?"
DEEP BREATH
ok, what the FUCK am I supposed to say? "Regarding the fact that you people have your heads up your asses!"? How about, "Regarding the fact that I want to blow up the Emergency Department!"? Maybe, "Regarding the fact that I have MS, and he's supposed to be my doctor, you fucking Einstein!"?
I don't know how this is going to go. I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but where there's no hope, there's way too much room for the Rage to creep in.
8:25 AM - 1/30/06
~YAY!!!
The clock is fixed!!!!!
WOOHOO!!!
5:34 PM - 1/30/06
~stubborn
Neurodude is still on vacation, and won't be back until Thursday. They're trying just about everything in the book to get me to come into the hospital. I think that they completely lost the battle when they admitted to me that the MRI machines are down. No MRI, no Solu-Medrol. I'm not going through that hell for nothing. If there's no MRI, there's no proof. If there's no proof, it's my word against theirs, and, invariably, I end up losing.
You want to pump me full of chemicals until my tongue swells, you'd better show me what it is you're aiming to treat with the crap, and then show me that what you did to me actually worked.
I'd rather risk going permanently blind in one eye than go into the hospital. I think that says a lot about the state of hospitals in this country.
~should be interesting
Last night was a rough night. Too much emotion, too little time. It's like my brain vomits intensity all over me. Raw nerves. I guess that's about the size of it.
Today is bound to be frustrating. Getting in touch with Neurodude is like pulling shark teeth. Damn near impossible. I've already started the preliminary conversation in my head...
"Can you please page my Neurodude for me?"
"What is this regarding?"
DEEP BREATH
ok, what the FUCK am I supposed to say? "Regarding the fact that you people have your heads up your asses!"? How about, "Regarding the fact that I want to blow up the Emergency Department!"? Maybe, "Regarding the fact that I have MS, and he's supposed to be my doctor, you fucking Einstein!"?
I don't know how this is going to go. I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but where there's no hope, there's way too much room for the Rage to creep in.
8:25 AM - 1/30/06
~YAY!!!
The clock is fixed!!!!!
WOOHOO!!!
5:34 PM - 1/30/06
~stubborn
Neurodude is still on vacation, and won't be back until Thursday. They're trying just about everything in the book to get me to come into the hospital. I think that they completely lost the battle when they admitted to me that the MRI machines are down. No MRI, no Solu-Medrol. I'm not going through that hell for nothing. If there's no MRI, there's no proof. If there's no proof, it's my word against theirs, and, invariably, I end up losing.
You want to pump me full of chemicals until my tongue swells, you'd better show me what it is you're aiming to treat with the crap, and then show me that what you did to me actually worked.
I'd rather risk going permanently blind in one eye than go into the hospital. I think that says a lot about the state of hospitals in this country.
Sunday, January 29, 2006
January 29, 2006
11:03 AM - 1/29/06
~the waiting game
@11AM 1/29/06
Hopefully it'll only be another day, or so, before I know what's going on. I suppose that if Neurodude just wants to skip the MRI and proceed directly to the IV, I'll have to agree to it. Anyway, I was due for an MRI in March, so I suppose that I could use that one to see if the Solu-Medrol does any good.
"They" often say that taking things one day at a time is a good thing to do. Sometimes I agree. Sometimes I think that it's stupid to do things that way. There's something to be said for making plans and figuring things out while you can. I suppose that, right now, I'm just doing my best. I'm not too sure what I'm hanging onto. Maybe a delusion. ...the "what if" factor. I suppose that once the reality crushes the delusion entirely, I'll give up. That's the thing about delusions though... they're in your head. You could be laying there, stinking, unable to walk, half blind, and feeling like you're being whacked with lead pipes, but somewhere in the back of your mind you think, "Well, what if it suddenly gets better?", and you keep breathing.
Don't get me wrong here. I'm not dead, not because I'm strong. I'm not dead because I'm too much of a pussy to kill myself. Killing myself would be taking a risk. The way I see it, there's only a 25% chance that whatever comes after life will be better than life itself. After life could be better, worse, the same, or nothing at all, and that means there's a 50% chance that it'll suck. I just don't like those odds. ...and at least I KNOW this sucks, and although that makes it a 100% chance that not killing myself will suck, at least I'm used to the way this whole life thing sucks. I don't know about the "worse" possibility of death. Then... even alive, tomorrow could be worse than today.... and I haven't run yet. So, maybe I'm not such a pussy.
Maybe I'm just too lazy.
~the waiting game
@11AM 1/29/06
Hopefully it'll only be another day, or so, before I know what's going on. I suppose that if Neurodude just wants to skip the MRI and proceed directly to the IV, I'll have to agree to it. Anyway, I was due for an MRI in March, so I suppose that I could use that one to see if the Solu-Medrol does any good.
"They" often say that taking things one day at a time is a good thing to do. Sometimes I agree. Sometimes I think that it's stupid to do things that way. There's something to be said for making plans and figuring things out while you can. I suppose that, right now, I'm just doing my best. I'm not too sure what I'm hanging onto. Maybe a delusion. ...the "what if" factor. I suppose that once the reality crushes the delusion entirely, I'll give up. That's the thing about delusions though... they're in your head. You could be laying there, stinking, unable to walk, half blind, and feeling like you're being whacked with lead pipes, but somewhere in the back of your mind you think, "Well, what if it suddenly gets better?", and you keep breathing.
Don't get me wrong here. I'm not dead, not because I'm strong. I'm not dead because I'm too much of a pussy to kill myself. Killing myself would be taking a risk. The way I see it, there's only a 25% chance that whatever comes after life will be better than life itself. After life could be better, worse, the same, or nothing at all, and that means there's a 50% chance that it'll suck. I just don't like those odds. ...and at least I KNOW this sucks, and although that makes it a 100% chance that not killing myself will suck, at least I'm used to the way this whole life thing sucks. I don't know about the "worse" possibility of death. Then... even alive, tomorrow could be worse than today.... and I haven't run yet. So, maybe I'm not such a pussy.
Maybe I'm just too lazy.
Saturday, January 28, 2006
January 28, 2006
12:30 PM - 1/28/06
~Chucks to be Cutter
@noon
Although I'm glad that I'm not in the hospital, the fact that I really should be is a little upsetting.
I spent a good deal of time, last night/early this morning, worrying about this whole thing. My legs just quit, and that just made the head start spinning. Even more so than the eye, if the legs go, I don't know what's going to happen. I can exist in my apartment, but I won't be able to leave the apartment without a chair. I don't know how to go about getting a chair without going into the hospital.
The fact is that over the last 12 hours, I've had to do a wee bit too much crawling. I got some sleep, and that seems to have helped. I've only been out of bed for about half an hour though. I worry about taking a shower. I desperately need one. I'm sure I'll figure it out somehow, but I don't look forward to it.
That's one of the standard AVOID things for people with MS... hot showers. That and stress. In the world of Cutter, there has always been an abundance of both.
The short of what happened last night is that Dr. J., Neurodude's stand-in, told me that he called the ER, and that they were expecting me. Everything was in order so that I'd be admitted relatively quickly. The only reason I have to go through the ER is because they no longer do "direct admits" into the hospital. Everyone has to come in through the ER.
RavensWings came to the rescue, and picked me and my bag up. I don't know what time we actually got to the ER, but I think that we left here around 6 something, and the hospital is right down the road. When it hit about 10:30, I was in danger of letting Nessie loose. So, we left, with barely a glance from any of the staff there.
I called the hospital when I got in, and they patched me through to the Neuro Resident on call, who freaked and begged me to come back in... that she would take care of everything... that the ER should have known... that all the info was sent to them... is it possible to come in tomorrow morning?... that she'll talk with Dr. J., who will be on in the morning, and let him know everything... that I have to come in for the treatment... the tests aren't important... blah blah blah. I left it at, "please tell Neurodude to call me when he comes in on Monday.".
RavensWings left, and Bunny and I settled in to watch Donnie Darko on BRAVO. It was on twice, back to back. Good thing, even as cut up and edited as it was, as I couldn't sleep, but there's something odd about watching that movie while having hallucinations yourself.
I have no clue what in hell I'm supposed to do now.
~Chucks to be Cutter
@noon
Although I'm glad that I'm not in the hospital, the fact that I really should be is a little upsetting.
I spent a good deal of time, last night/early this morning, worrying about this whole thing. My legs just quit, and that just made the head start spinning. Even more so than the eye, if the legs go, I don't know what's going to happen. I can exist in my apartment, but I won't be able to leave the apartment without a chair. I don't know how to go about getting a chair without going into the hospital.
The fact is that over the last 12 hours, I've had to do a wee bit too much crawling. I got some sleep, and that seems to have helped. I've only been out of bed for about half an hour though. I worry about taking a shower. I desperately need one. I'm sure I'll figure it out somehow, but I don't look forward to it.
That's one of the standard AVOID things for people with MS... hot showers. That and stress. In the world of Cutter, there has always been an abundance of both.
The short of what happened last night is that Dr. J., Neurodude's stand-in, told me that he called the ER, and that they were expecting me. Everything was in order so that I'd be admitted relatively quickly. The only reason I have to go through the ER is because they no longer do "direct admits" into the hospital. Everyone has to come in through the ER.
RavensWings came to the rescue, and picked me and my bag up. I don't know what time we actually got to the ER, but I think that we left here around 6 something, and the hospital is right down the road. When it hit about 10:30, I was in danger of letting Nessie loose. So, we left, with barely a glance from any of the staff there.
I called the hospital when I got in, and they patched me through to the Neuro Resident on call, who freaked and begged me to come back in... that she would take care of everything... that the ER should have known... that all the info was sent to them... is it possible to come in tomorrow morning?... that she'll talk with Dr. J., who will be on in the morning, and let him know everything... that I have to come in for the treatment... the tests aren't important... blah blah blah. I left it at, "please tell Neurodude to call me when he comes in on Monday.".
RavensWings left, and Bunny and I settled in to watch Donnie Darko on BRAVO. It was on twice, back to back. Good thing, even as cut up and edited as it was, as I couldn't sleep, but there's something odd about watching that movie while having hallucinations yourself.
I have no clue what in hell I'm supposed to do now.
Friday, January 27, 2006
January 27, 2006
12:22 AM - 1/27/06
~Signals
I'm up. I was pacing... very slowly... very quietly. Don't want to make noise over my downstairs neighbor's head. It's late... not a good pacing hour. I suppose that it's good that I'm forced to go slow... I might fall, otherwise. I don't want to tiptoe though. I want to pace... hard and fast... Get my brain moving.
Everything has to be done so damn slowly. Even writing. My fingers move out of synch with my brain. I forget words, or series of words... or sometimes just letters. I'll think that I wrote them, but they're not there when I look.
My right eye feels cold. It's a very odd feeling. It's as if there's cold air blowing on it. Things are slowly whiting out. It's not so much that things get dark when when the eye goes... it's more like the color drains out of them. White and Tan start to blend. Black turns to Grey. Small lettering vanishes. Soon enough, if it keeps going in this direction, I'll see the "crackles". The best I can explain it is... when my eyes are closed, it's like looking at a piece of plastic wrap that's on a table... it's flat, but with pockets of air or water underneath... sort of wormy. I call them "crackles". I don't know why. At the time, the word just fit... maybe it's because it looks like if you ran your hand over the plastic wrap, that's the sound it would make.
I'm (compulsively) pulling and ripping at my beard. I've got this "finger thing". I've had it since I was a baby. It started with my baby blankets... running the edges over my fingertips. After that, I used my ear... and also pieces of string... and rubber bands. It's all about the fingertips... needing repetitive stimulation. I don't think about it, it just happens. If my beard gets to just the right length, I go to town on it. I've gotten to the point of ripping out so much from pulling, that under my chin, near my neck, gets infected. Sometimes my fingertips suffer too. Little pieces of hair get stuck in them like splinters, and they eventually start getting sore, or raw, or eventually calloused . I should trim my beard... but I don't want to. I like my beard... or "goatee", more accurately. I think that it's about 3 inches long now. I don't want to cut it. My fingertips don't want me to cut it either, most days.
Maybe I'll get lucky and find a good movie to watch. I watched a really good one last night/early this morning. I think that it was called "Smoke Signals". I won't give anything about it away, but it's worth seeing. I saw it on IFC, so you might want to check there, if you get that channel.
Guess I'll go back to doing the tiptoe strut.
4:15 PM - 1/27/06
@4:15pm 1/27/06
~just shoot me
I'm going to have to make a decision here. Previously, I said, "I'll go in if I lose the sight entirely." about going into the ER. If I went into the ER every time I was sick, I'd be there every day, so I had to make some sort of tangible cut off point. Well, here we are. The way it's moving, it'll be gone in about a week or so.
Knowing what I know about the hospital, it's tough to willingly go in. I could try to swing the outpatient treatment, but that's heavily dependent upon many other things.
...and after writing that sentence, I freaked out a bit. I realized that I couldn't see the screen with my right eye, and so I called Neurodude, who (figures) is on VACATION. Fuck me.
Another Neuro is trying to get me to come in now and be admitted. I'm begging him to let me ride it out until Monday when they might be able to set it up outpatient. He's making calls, trying to see what he can do. He's supposed to call me back.
FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!!
5:39 PM - 1/27/06
~unavailable
Going into the hospital.
Please leave a message at the tone.
beeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.
5:55 PM - 1/27/06
~pee ess
oh yeah, RavensWings is helping me out. If I'm gone for TOO long, I'll beg her to post something. ;)
Be good to yourselves.
11:41 PM - 1/27/06
~US Healthcare System sucks dookie
Yes, and here I am.
I simply do not have the energy to type out what just happened.
I should be in the hospital. I'm not in the hospital. After hours and hours, I didn't even get in to see a damn doctor. Too bad for Cutter. Boo fucking Hoo.
I'm here. I'm still alive. Sorry to worry anyone.
I'm going to bed.
~Signals
I'm up. I was pacing... very slowly... very quietly. Don't want to make noise over my downstairs neighbor's head. It's late... not a good pacing hour. I suppose that it's good that I'm forced to go slow... I might fall, otherwise. I don't want to tiptoe though. I want to pace... hard and fast... Get my brain moving.
Everything has to be done so damn slowly. Even writing. My fingers move out of synch with my brain. I forget words, or series of words... or sometimes just letters. I'll think that I wrote them, but they're not there when I look.
My right eye feels cold. It's a very odd feeling. It's as if there's cold air blowing on it. Things are slowly whiting out. It's not so much that things get dark when when the eye goes... it's more like the color drains out of them. White and Tan start to blend. Black turns to Grey. Small lettering vanishes. Soon enough, if it keeps going in this direction, I'll see the "crackles". The best I can explain it is... when my eyes are closed, it's like looking at a piece of plastic wrap that's on a table... it's flat, but with pockets of air or water underneath... sort of wormy. I call them "crackles". I don't know why. At the time, the word just fit... maybe it's because it looks like if you ran your hand over the plastic wrap, that's the sound it would make.
I'm (compulsively) pulling and ripping at my beard. I've got this "finger thing". I've had it since I was a baby. It started with my baby blankets... running the edges over my fingertips. After that, I used my ear... and also pieces of string... and rubber bands. It's all about the fingertips... needing repetitive stimulation. I don't think about it, it just happens. If my beard gets to just the right length, I go to town on it. I've gotten to the point of ripping out so much from pulling, that under my chin, near my neck, gets infected. Sometimes my fingertips suffer too. Little pieces of hair get stuck in them like splinters, and they eventually start getting sore, or raw, or eventually calloused . I should trim my beard... but I don't want to. I like my beard... or "goatee", more accurately. I think that it's about 3 inches long now. I don't want to cut it. My fingertips don't want me to cut it either, most days.
Maybe I'll get lucky and find a good movie to watch. I watched a really good one last night/early this morning. I think that it was called "Smoke Signals". I won't give anything about it away, but it's worth seeing. I saw it on IFC, so you might want to check there, if you get that channel.
Guess I'll go back to doing the tiptoe strut.
4:15 PM - 1/27/06
@4:15pm 1/27/06
~just shoot me
I'm going to have to make a decision here. Previously, I said, "I'll go in if I lose the sight entirely." about going into the ER. If I went into the ER every time I was sick, I'd be there every day, so I had to make some sort of tangible cut off point. Well, here we are. The way it's moving, it'll be gone in about a week or so.
Knowing what I know about the hospital, it's tough to willingly go in. I could try to swing the outpatient treatment, but that's heavily dependent upon many other things.
...and after writing that sentence, I freaked out a bit. I realized that I couldn't see the screen with my right eye, and so I called Neurodude, who (figures) is on VACATION. Fuck me.
Another Neuro is trying to get me to come in now and be admitted. I'm begging him to let me ride it out until Monday when they might be able to set it up outpatient. He's making calls, trying to see what he can do. He's supposed to call me back.
FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!!
5:39 PM - 1/27/06
~unavailable
Going into the hospital.
Please leave a message at the tone.
beeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.
5:55 PM - 1/27/06
~pee ess
oh yeah, RavensWings is helping me out. If I'm gone for TOO long, I'll beg her to post something. ;)
Be good to yourselves.
11:41 PM - 1/27/06
~US Healthcare System sucks dookie
Yes, and here I am.
I simply do not have the energy to type out what just happened.
I should be in the hospital. I'm not in the hospital. After hours and hours, I didn't even get in to see a damn doctor. Too bad for Cutter. Boo fucking Hoo.
I'm here. I'm still alive. Sorry to worry anyone.
I'm going to bed.
Thursday, January 26, 2006
January 26, 2006
12:08 AM - 1/26/06
~midnight mumblings
I'm up, and in a really shitty mood. My computer is starting to act weird on me again, and that doesn't help.
Hey, at least I have less to worry about, I've already lost everything. If it crashes, it crashes.
Yeah, and if my eye goes, it goes. Whatever.
Tomorrow is food store day. That should be fun. Not.
I can't fucking see right. I hate this!!!
8:01 AM - 1/26/06
~off track
Note to self:
Write more. Blog less.
5:20 PM - 1/26/06
~more more more
I want to do coffee. I want to do shots.
I have a headache. I'm going blind.
I want to be up and out. I want to be tucked away in dreamland.
I want. I want. I want.
I suppose that life would be horribly boring if we didn't "want". Desire = Drive. Contentment is hell, if not experienced in the past or future tense. If you experience more than a few minutes of contentment, I guarantee that boredom will follow.
Contentment always leads to, "What's next?", or "I want more!", or "I want what I used to have!".
Never satisfied.
Always hungry.
It's what stops us from dying.
~midnight mumblings
I'm up, and in a really shitty mood. My computer is starting to act weird on me again, and that doesn't help.
Hey, at least I have less to worry about, I've already lost everything. If it crashes, it crashes.
Yeah, and if my eye goes, it goes. Whatever.
Tomorrow is food store day. That should be fun. Not.
I can't fucking see right. I hate this!!!
8:01 AM - 1/26/06
~off track
Note to self:
Write more. Blog less.
5:20 PM - 1/26/06
~more more more
I want to do coffee. I want to do shots.
I have a headache. I'm going blind.
I want to be up and out. I want to be tucked away in dreamland.
I want. I want. I want.
I suppose that life would be horribly boring if we didn't "want". Desire = Drive. Contentment is hell, if not experienced in the past or future tense. If you experience more than a few minutes of contentment, I guarantee that boredom will follow.
Contentment always leads to, "What's next?", or "I want more!", or "I want what I used to have!".
Never satisfied.
Always hungry.
It's what stops us from dying.
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
January 25, 2006
7:11 AM - 1/25/06
~two for T
Sometimes I feel that I'm forcing myself to write. Actually, it often feels that I have to force myself to do just about everything.
I ride my own ass... yell at myself... "Don't be lazy!"
"...but I don't want to!!!"
"Just do it."
"Why?!?"
"You'll thank yourself later."
"...but I don't feel like it!"
"Fine. Whatever. Suit yourself."
*sulks*
...and then I do it, whatever it is. Sometimes I thank myself later, sometimes I don't.
Duality... the spice of life.
4:48 PM - 1/25/06
~Luuucy... I'm Homohhhh
So, the word through the wall is that Coughy and Murmur moved down the walkway, into another apartment, and that tenant moved into Coughy and Murmur's. I'm pretty sure it's a couple, but so far I'm only sure about Lucy. If I was up to no good, I'd also have Lucy's phone number, social security number, and credit card number. She made phone calls today, to change the apartment number in her various listed addresses. I held onto the dirt about the apartment switch, and her name, but quickly closed my ears to the rest. Frankly, it's none of my business, and I don't want to know. (I think that the Franks live a couple of doors down, actually.)
From what I heard, Murmur needed the other apartment because she's in a wheelchair. I don't know that the apartment is wheelchair accessible, but it's closer to the door and the layout inside is different. I think that it's ideal. There's no one on the one side of them, and so Coughy shouldn't be rattling the ear drums of anyone, unless his bathroom door, and his one neighbor's bathroom door are open. ...or maybe through the kitchen walls... I don't know. All I know is that dude is MEGA loud, so it's probably for the best that there's no apartment on the one side of theirs.
So far, so good with Lucy and (I'll just assume that there's a) Desi. I'll keep my fingers crossed though. I'm pretty sure they don't smoke.
~two for T
Sometimes I feel that I'm forcing myself to write. Actually, it often feels that I have to force myself to do just about everything.
I ride my own ass... yell at myself... "Don't be lazy!"
"...but I don't want to!!!"
"Just do it."
"Why?!?"
"You'll thank yourself later."
"...but I don't feel like it!"
"Fine. Whatever. Suit yourself."
*sulks*
...and then I do it, whatever it is. Sometimes I thank myself later, sometimes I don't.
Duality... the spice of life.
4:48 PM - 1/25/06
~Luuucy... I'm Homohhhh
So, the word through the wall is that Coughy and Murmur moved down the walkway, into another apartment, and that tenant moved into Coughy and Murmur's. I'm pretty sure it's a couple, but so far I'm only sure about Lucy. If I was up to no good, I'd also have Lucy's phone number, social security number, and credit card number. She made phone calls today, to change the apartment number in her various listed addresses. I held onto the dirt about the apartment switch, and her name, but quickly closed my ears to the rest. Frankly, it's none of my business, and I don't want to know. (I think that the Franks live a couple of doors down, actually.)
From what I heard, Murmur needed the other apartment because she's in a wheelchair. I don't know that the apartment is wheelchair accessible, but it's closer to the door and the layout inside is different. I think that it's ideal. There's no one on the one side of them, and so Coughy shouldn't be rattling the ear drums of anyone, unless his bathroom door, and his one neighbor's bathroom door are open. ...or maybe through the kitchen walls... I don't know. All I know is that dude is MEGA loud, so it's probably for the best that there's no apartment on the one side of theirs.
So far, so good with Lucy and (I'll just assume that there's a) Desi. I'll keep my fingers crossed though. I'm pretty sure they don't smoke.
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
January 24, 2006
11:18AM - 1/24/06
~Stuck in the middle
I'm due for my shot today. I don't look forward to it. I'm hoping that maybe it'll give me a boost though. Maybe help with the eye? Testosterone bumps up your immune system. It's my own immune system that's attacking me though, so I don't know what to think.
I'm putting off calling Neurodude. I think it's because I'm reaping the benefits of the sleep I got. I feel a little better than last night.
I don't feel like being sick. I never do, but... I want to just push myself into "go!" mode. Take my shot, get a shower, take the trash out, get the mail, make something to eat, finish filling out those forms, install my printer, make some phone calls... yeah. Right. Then tonight, it'll be "go to the ER".
Guess I'm going to have to stick with finding some sort of middle ground.
5:45 PM - 1/24/06
~The 5pm drabs
Managed my shot, and hooked up the printer. Just now took a risk and got the trash out/mail in. I really wanted to get a shower today, but I'm thinking that it's not going to happen. If I can manage a nap, I might risk it later, but I'm a little too wobbly right now.
I think that I'm bored. I'm bored a lot. Not much I can do about that though. It sucks, I'm almost always either bored or overwhelmed. I suppose that I'm just a person of extremes... like it or not.
It'll pass. Usually, by 9pm I've converted from bored to overwhelmed. Fun stuff.
~Stuck in the middle
I'm due for my shot today. I don't look forward to it. I'm hoping that maybe it'll give me a boost though. Maybe help with the eye? Testosterone bumps up your immune system. It's my own immune system that's attacking me though, so I don't know what to think.
I'm putting off calling Neurodude. I think it's because I'm reaping the benefits of the sleep I got. I feel a little better than last night.
I don't feel like being sick. I never do, but... I want to just push myself into "go!" mode. Take my shot, get a shower, take the trash out, get the mail, make something to eat, finish filling out those forms, install my printer, make some phone calls... yeah. Right. Then tonight, it'll be "go to the ER".
Guess I'm going to have to stick with finding some sort of middle ground.
5:45 PM - 1/24/06
~The 5pm drabs
Managed my shot, and hooked up the printer. Just now took a risk and got the trash out/mail in. I really wanted to get a shower today, but I'm thinking that it's not going to happen. If I can manage a nap, I might risk it later, but I'm a little too wobbly right now.
I think that I'm bored. I'm bored a lot. Not much I can do about that though. It sucks, I'm almost always either bored or overwhelmed. I suppose that I'm just a person of extremes... like it or not.
It'll pass. Usually, by 9pm I've converted from bored to overwhelmed. Fun stuff.
Monday, January 23, 2006
January 23, 2006
8:45 AM - 1/23/06
~Ice Cream Headache
Woke up itchy. I thought that it was probably going to rain. I get itchy when it's going to rain. I was wrong. It's snowing! WooHoo!!!
I slept the usual drugged amount. Probably about 5 hours. I know that I need more sleep, but I want to wait to try until my neighbors are done doing whatever they're doing. Stompy woke me up with a loud bang at about 5AM. Now, it's Squeaky and the Snow Plows giving me a concert.
I took one of those online test thingees earlier, and was informed that I am Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Ice Cream. I think that's it... that's the problem... it's not MS! I'm allergic to chocolate and I have chocolate chips in me!!!!
ok... now... how do you remove chocolate chips from your personal cookie dough without accidentally removing something vital, like your Pituitary Gland?
There has to be some research somewhere... and... anyway... how did I get chocolate chips in me in the first place? Maybe it's global warming or something... no! wait! I know!!! It must be the smoking!!!! Smoking did it!!!! The tobacco companies are in league with Nestle!!!! All along, I've been smoking chocolate chips!!!!
Wow! I'm glad that I figured that one out!
4:15 PM - 1/23/06
~Refusing Fantasy
There's a lot on my mind, but I don't know how much of it is anywhere near rational thought. I'm not too sure how much it matters though. Rational doesn't always mean right.
I like the delusional place sometimes. It's reality that upsets me. Some people have fantasies, I have delusion. It's even better than fantasy. With fantasy, you know it's not real. With delusion, you don't even have to stop to think about it. It's real. It's everyone else who's crazy.
I think that's why I forgive so easily. Forgiving people allows me to pretend that people actually care... that people are good and real and awake.
There are very few people I cannot forgive. If they're actively being cruel, it's not that I can't forgive. They haven't stopped doing whatever it is that they're doing long enough for me to heal. You can't forgive someone for something if they're still doing it. I don't know... maybe you can, but I don't find it to be all that easy to forget, even if I can forgive.
Mostly, I find it difficult to forgive people whose actions destroyed me or my life beyond repair. I can't use people like that in my delusions... I can't pretend that they did no wrong. As I said, there are very few people I cannot forgive.
I wonder why it is that it feels people cannot forgive me.
I suppose that could be "insecurity"... or maybe just paranoia... oversensitivity?
Whatever it is... I don't like it. It messes up my delusions.
10:39 PM - 1/23/06
~delusion
@10:30pm
I'm not feeling well. I want to grab onto a delusion and cling to it... I want to play "pretend"... I want to go back to... to... I don't know. I want to go back to when I was healthy. ...but I was never healthy. I want to go back to when I could fake it better. I want to go back to when I thought that one day, there'd be a happily ever after. I want to go back to when I thought it actually WAS "happily ever after".
My headache is getting in the way. The fact that I'm losing the sight in my right eye (again) is getting in the way. Everything is all messed up. I can't grab hold of a delusion... I can't get to the point where I can hold onto fantasy... I can't even fake being "pretty ok".
When I was a little Cutter, I wanted to be a doctor. My mother always drooled over doctors. She had a thing for men in authoritative positions. Maybe she felt it gave her worth.
When I got this diagnosis, it was one of the first things I (almost) cried over. I'd never be a doctor. There's no such thing as a blind doctor.
Am I feeling sorry for myself? I don't know. Maybe. I feel angry. I feel the urge to push people away... to say, "FUCK YOU" to people, especially those who are close to me. One big "LEAVE ME ALONE!" is all I feel. I don't know why I feel that way. Maybe it's because I think that no one gets it. Maybe it's so that I can feel less guilty about dying.
I keep wanting to call my ex. I loved her. I really did. I don't know why I want to call her. She was cruel to me. Very cruel. ...but I want to call her. I WANT MY DELUSION BACK!!!!!
~Ice Cream Headache
Woke up itchy. I thought that it was probably going to rain. I get itchy when it's going to rain. I was wrong. It's snowing! WooHoo!!!
I slept the usual drugged amount. Probably about 5 hours. I know that I need more sleep, but I want to wait to try until my neighbors are done doing whatever they're doing. Stompy woke me up with a loud bang at about 5AM. Now, it's Squeaky and the Snow Plows giving me a concert.
I took one of those online test thingees earlier, and was informed that I am Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Ice Cream. I think that's it... that's the problem... it's not MS! I'm allergic to chocolate and I have chocolate chips in me!!!!
ok... now... how do you remove chocolate chips from your personal cookie dough without accidentally removing something vital, like your Pituitary Gland?
There has to be some research somewhere... and... anyway... how did I get chocolate chips in me in the first place? Maybe it's global warming or something... no! wait! I know!!! It must be the smoking!!!! Smoking did it!!!! The tobacco companies are in league with Nestle!!!! All along, I've been smoking chocolate chips!!!!
Wow! I'm glad that I figured that one out!
4:15 PM - 1/23/06
~Refusing Fantasy
There's a lot on my mind, but I don't know how much of it is anywhere near rational thought. I'm not too sure how much it matters though. Rational doesn't always mean right.
I like the delusional place sometimes. It's reality that upsets me. Some people have fantasies, I have delusion. It's even better than fantasy. With fantasy, you know it's not real. With delusion, you don't even have to stop to think about it. It's real. It's everyone else who's crazy.
I think that's why I forgive so easily. Forgiving people allows me to pretend that people actually care... that people are good and real and awake.
There are very few people I cannot forgive. If they're actively being cruel, it's not that I can't forgive. They haven't stopped doing whatever it is that they're doing long enough for me to heal. You can't forgive someone for something if they're still doing it. I don't know... maybe you can, but I don't find it to be all that easy to forget, even if I can forgive.
Mostly, I find it difficult to forgive people whose actions destroyed me or my life beyond repair. I can't use people like that in my delusions... I can't pretend that they did no wrong. As I said, there are very few people I cannot forgive.
I wonder why it is that it feels people cannot forgive me.
I suppose that could be "insecurity"... or maybe just paranoia... oversensitivity?
Whatever it is... I don't like it. It messes up my delusions.
10:39 PM - 1/23/06
~delusion
@10:30pm
I'm not feeling well. I want to grab onto a delusion and cling to it... I want to play "pretend"... I want to go back to... to... I don't know. I want to go back to when I was healthy. ...but I was never healthy. I want to go back to when I could fake it better. I want to go back to when I thought that one day, there'd be a happily ever after. I want to go back to when I thought it actually WAS "happily ever after".
My headache is getting in the way. The fact that I'm losing the sight in my right eye (again) is getting in the way. Everything is all messed up. I can't grab hold of a delusion... I can't get to the point where I can hold onto fantasy... I can't even fake being "pretty ok".
When I was a little Cutter, I wanted to be a doctor. My mother always drooled over doctors. She had a thing for men in authoritative positions. Maybe she felt it gave her worth.
When I got this diagnosis, it was one of the first things I (almost) cried over. I'd never be a doctor. There's no such thing as a blind doctor.
Am I feeling sorry for myself? I don't know. Maybe. I feel angry. I feel the urge to push people away... to say, "FUCK YOU" to people, especially those who are close to me. One big "LEAVE ME ALONE!" is all I feel. I don't know why I feel that way. Maybe it's because I think that no one gets it. Maybe it's so that I can feel less guilty about dying.
I keep wanting to call my ex. I loved her. I really did. I don't know why I want to call her. She was cruel to me. Very cruel. ...but I want to call her. I WANT MY DELUSION BACK!!!!!
Sunday, January 22, 2006
January 22, 2006
2:04 AM - 1/22/06
~a little off
ok... pay no attention to the guy behind that curtain... nothing to see here...
(hopefully the blog layout and link craziness will magically fix itself)
11:48 AM - 1/22/06
~dreamy
I think that it was around 4AM when I finally fell asleep. I think that I got about 6 hours total, but it was pretty broken up. I'm still tired. I'm always tired. Sometimes I think that's why I get sucked into being angry about things. At least, when I'm angry, I'm not as tired.
My dreams were really weird. Something about my old doctor and my MRIs. I'm always wary of dreams having to do with my being sick. Before the MS diagnosis, they just freaked me out a little. After the diagnosis, all the past dreams made too much sense. Now, I fear that these types of dreams are warnings of some sort.
I wish that my life didn't revolve around being sick.
2:21 PM - 1/22/06
~In the beginning
When I was born (breech, by the way), I couldn't tolerate my formula. I don't know all the details, but it obviously had a lot to do with the word "projectile". After that, my mother was informed that I was "allergic to milk". More projectiles, I suppose. I vaguely remember having goats' milk, instead of cows' milk in my cereal when I was a toddler.
I was sick from day one. From the milk allergy (and I think that it actually was some sort of allergy, NOT Lactose intolerance), it was one allergy after the next. Not fun for kid Cutter was the one to Chocolate. Then it was the "excema" that nothing could control. Then the nose bleeds. One thing after the next. I was always sick.
I learned to deal. I suppose that I learned to dissociate, too. I watched everything around me, took notes on what I seemed to be reacting to, especially everything I ate or drank. I finally settled on "I have a compromised Immune System" as an explanation, a few years back. I was tired of rattling off my allergies to people, and explaining why about everything I couldn't tolerate. Frankly, I was sick and tired of saying the phrase, "I'm allergic to it.".
I can't help but wonder if it's connected somehow... the whole MS thing... if it's something we're born with, or something we catch... all I know is that looking at my life, the fact that I'm actually allergic to myself... doesn't surprise me at all... and it started from day one. Screw the first "flare" in '83... I think that the first time I Reganed my food across the room is when all of it started.
The more I read, and the more I think about this whole thing, the more I'm starting to firmly believe that I was, in fact, born with MS.
11:52 PM - 1/22/06
~pill boy
So, I'm supposed to take this pill... Metoclopram... if I get nauseous.
I'm nauseous.
I took it.
woohoo.
Did I mention that I HATE pills?
...but... I hate being nauseous even more... so...
whatever. I hope it works well enough to get me some sleep.
~a little off
ok... pay no attention to the guy behind that curtain... nothing to see here...
(hopefully the blog layout and link craziness will magically fix itself)
11:48 AM - 1/22/06
~dreamy
I think that it was around 4AM when I finally fell asleep. I think that I got about 6 hours total, but it was pretty broken up. I'm still tired. I'm always tired. Sometimes I think that's why I get sucked into being angry about things. At least, when I'm angry, I'm not as tired.
My dreams were really weird. Something about my old doctor and my MRIs. I'm always wary of dreams having to do with my being sick. Before the MS diagnosis, they just freaked me out a little. After the diagnosis, all the past dreams made too much sense. Now, I fear that these types of dreams are warnings of some sort.
I wish that my life didn't revolve around being sick.
2:21 PM - 1/22/06
~In the beginning
When I was born (breech, by the way), I couldn't tolerate my formula. I don't know all the details, but it obviously had a lot to do with the word "projectile". After that, my mother was informed that I was "allergic to milk". More projectiles, I suppose. I vaguely remember having goats' milk, instead of cows' milk in my cereal when I was a toddler.
I was sick from day one. From the milk allergy (and I think that it actually was some sort of allergy, NOT Lactose intolerance), it was one allergy after the next. Not fun for kid Cutter was the one to Chocolate. Then it was the "excema" that nothing could control. Then the nose bleeds. One thing after the next. I was always sick.
I learned to deal. I suppose that I learned to dissociate, too. I watched everything around me, took notes on what I seemed to be reacting to, especially everything I ate or drank. I finally settled on "I have a compromised Immune System" as an explanation, a few years back. I was tired of rattling off my allergies to people, and explaining why about everything I couldn't tolerate. Frankly, I was sick and tired of saying the phrase, "I'm allergic to it.".
I can't help but wonder if it's connected somehow... the whole MS thing... if it's something we're born with, or something we catch... all I know is that looking at my life, the fact that I'm actually allergic to myself... doesn't surprise me at all... and it started from day one. Screw the first "flare" in '83... I think that the first time I Reganed my food across the room is when all of it started.
The more I read, and the more I think about this whole thing, the more I'm starting to firmly believe that I was, in fact, born with MS.
11:52 PM - 1/22/06
~pill boy
So, I'm supposed to take this pill... Metoclopram... if I get nauseous.
I'm nauseous.
I took it.
woohoo.
Did I mention that I HATE pills?
...but... I hate being nauseous even more... so...
whatever. I hope it works well enough to get me some sleep.
Saturday, January 21, 2006
January 21, 2006
10:30 AM - 1/21/06
~Here we go again
My legs just completely buckled while I was at the bathroom sink. My right eye is really bad.
Today is food store day.
Wish me luck?
5:16 PM - 1/21/06
~meow you
My day went pretty well. Had lunch, went to the food store, and spent some time bonding with my carpet, with RavensWings. My legs went bonkers a few times, but nothing too horrible on the "living with MS" front.
It's hot in here. Outside, the temperature is way above normal. All of my neighbors have their windows and doors open. My window is open, but the shade is down. Dealing with people isn't high on my list of things I want to do right now. Right now, I just want to drink this beer, smoke this smoke, and enjoy the solitude. Some people need people. Some people need space. Yes, I think that we all need both, but I think that, generally speaking, you're either a people person, or a space person. I think of Cats and Dogs. Dogs need people... being around people and making people happy are what they seem to live for. Too, they're pack oriented. Cats? Cats are, generally, independent. You don't have a cat, the cat has you. I'm a cat. I socialize when I feel like it. If I don't want to, and I have to, I'll bitch, whine, mope and complain until you leave me alone... then, I'll smile and say "Hey! Where's the party?".
I'm thinking... maybe a Siberian Tiger... fuck this heat shit!!!
~Here we go again
My legs just completely buckled while I was at the bathroom sink. My right eye is really bad.
Today is food store day.
Wish me luck?
5:16 PM - 1/21/06
~meow you
My day went pretty well. Had lunch, went to the food store, and spent some time bonding with my carpet, with RavensWings. My legs went bonkers a few times, but nothing too horrible on the "living with MS" front.
It's hot in here. Outside, the temperature is way above normal. All of my neighbors have their windows and doors open. My window is open, but the shade is down. Dealing with people isn't high on my list of things I want to do right now. Right now, I just want to drink this beer, smoke this smoke, and enjoy the solitude. Some people need people. Some people need space. Yes, I think that we all need both, but I think that, generally speaking, you're either a people person, or a space person. I think of Cats and Dogs. Dogs need people... being around people and making people happy are what they seem to live for. Too, they're pack oriented. Cats? Cats are, generally, independent. You don't have a cat, the cat has you. I'm a cat. I socialize when I feel like it. If I don't want to, and I have to, I'll bitch, whine, mope and complain until you leave me alone... then, I'll smile and say "Hey! Where's the party?".
I'm thinking... maybe a Siberian Tiger... fuck this heat shit!!!
Friday, January 20, 2006
January 20, 2006
10:21 AM - 1/20/06
~another morning
(actual time is @10:15AM)
I'm feeling pretty crappy. There's a lot that I want to do, but it's taking a considerable amount of effort even to write this.
Sometimes "things happen for a reason" is enough to keep me going, but sometimes all "things happen for a reason" does is imply that there are things like God, Ghosts, and UFOs. That's not such a good way for me to be thinking. Thinking that way leads to my being completely delusional.
I suppose that I could have just walked away. I was given the opportunity to do so. I couldn't though. I'm not really the type to walk from anywhere without a goodbye.
Got a real spooky feeling after typing that last sentence.
Best I not let my head go there.
7:43 PM - 1/20/06
bookmarks
Before I moved here, back in August, I backed up my "favorites". I stored them in one of my e-mail accounts. So, I have those. I don't have any links or other info that I collected since August though. This sucks.
As a note to people reading here, if you want to give me your info, I'd appreciate it. Just drop me a ~mail, or an e-mail (if you have my address), if you'd rather not post it here.
9:50 PM - 1/20/06
~in other news
Friday, January 20, 2006 9:50 PM
I'm going downhill. The right eye is going again. The pains are more frequent and more intense. Spasms, or "myoclonic jerks", or whatever they're called are more frequent. My legs are buckling so often that I have to use the cane in the house. The rage is there, it comes and goes in spurts. My ears are still ringing. The paranoia got me to blow up my computer.
I'm not entirely scared, but I just wish that it wasn't all so long and drawn out.
~another morning
(actual time is @10:15AM)
I'm feeling pretty crappy. There's a lot that I want to do, but it's taking a considerable amount of effort even to write this.
Sometimes "things happen for a reason" is enough to keep me going, but sometimes all "things happen for a reason" does is imply that there are things like God, Ghosts, and UFOs. That's not such a good way for me to be thinking. Thinking that way leads to my being completely delusional.
I suppose that I could have just walked away. I was given the opportunity to do so. I couldn't though. I'm not really the type to walk from anywhere without a goodbye.
Got a real spooky feeling after typing that last sentence.
Best I not let my head go there.
7:43 PM - 1/20/06
bookmarks
Before I moved here, back in August, I backed up my "favorites". I stored them in one of my e-mail accounts. So, I have those. I don't have any links or other info that I collected since August though. This sucks.
As a note to people reading here, if you want to give me your info, I'd appreciate it. Just drop me a ~mail, or an e-mail (if you have my address), if you'd rather not post it here.
9:50 PM - 1/20/06
~in other news
Friday, January 20, 2006 9:50 PM
I'm going downhill. The right eye is going again. The pains are more frequent and more intense. Spasms, or "myoclonic jerks", or whatever they're called are more frequent. My legs are buckling so often that I have to use the cane in the house. The rage is there, it comes and goes in spurts. My ears are still ringing. The paranoia got me to blow up my computer.
I'm not entirely scared, but I just wish that it wasn't all so long and drawn out.
Thursday, January 19, 2006
January 19, 2006
3:41 PM - 1/19/06
~all gone
(It's about 3:30PM now.)
Well, after I wrote that last entry, I had no choice.
My modem died.
I wrote this earlier:
11:07 AM 1/19/06
It's been a long 24 hours. I don't even know where to begin. On a lot of levels... I don't know where to begin.
I'm very tired. Waiting on the cable guy to show up. My modem hasn't worked since about 11:30AM yesterday.
I tried everything to get it to work again. I tried too much to get it to work again.
After about 12 hours, I was tired and stupid... and paranoid.
I was trying to clean up my computer... getting rid of things I thought might have caused the problem.
Well, I guess it's a good metaphor.
oops.
All gone.
Nothing left.
Wiped.
Well, I guess I don't have to worry about printing that 3 years worth of stuff now.
I was running out of binders anyway.
-----------------------------------------
...and here I am.
My computer is blank. Nothing but what it came with, and what I managed to get updated with Windows Update. I don't have a burner. I couldn't back anything up.
Hey, at least I didn't kill myself over it. I think that's admirable.
~all gone
(It's about 3:30PM now.)
Well, after I wrote that last entry, I had no choice.
My modem died.
I wrote this earlier:
11:07 AM 1/19/06
It's been a long 24 hours. I don't even know where to begin. On a lot of levels... I don't know where to begin.
I'm very tired. Waiting on the cable guy to show up. My modem hasn't worked since about 11:30AM yesterday.
I tried everything to get it to work again. I tried too much to get it to work again.
After about 12 hours, I was tired and stupid... and paranoid.
I was trying to clean up my computer... getting rid of things I thought might have caused the problem.
Well, I guess it's a good metaphor.
oops.
All gone.
Nothing left.
Wiped.
Well, I guess I don't have to worry about printing that 3 years worth of stuff now.
I was running out of binders anyway.
-----------------------------------------
...and here I am.
My computer is blank. Nothing but what it came with, and what I managed to get updated with Windows Update. I don't have a burner. I couldn't back anything up.
Hey, at least I didn't kill myself over it. I think that's admirable.
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
January 18, 2006
11:25 AM - 1/18/06
~Abstract life
Why does every last one of my blog entries start out with, "http://www.~blog.com/images/"?
I'm really not in the mood for dealing with this right now. I really don't even want to be out of bed.
Really vivid dreams... MS related stuff. Not fun at all.
The wind is howling, and it's 59 fucking degrees out. What is wrong with this picture?
11:28 AM - 1/18/06
~do not go there
If, all of a sudden, my ~blog pic shows up on all of my blog entries, I'm out of here.
I've had enough.
~Abstract life
Why does every last one of my blog entries start out with, "http://www.~blog.com/images/"?
I'm really not in the mood for dealing with this right now. I really don't even want to be out of bed.
Really vivid dreams... MS related stuff. Not fun at all.
The wind is howling, and it's 59 fucking degrees out. What is wrong with this picture?
11:28 AM - 1/18/06
~do not go there
If, all of a sudden, my ~blog pic shows up on all of my blog entries, I'm out of here.
I've had enough.
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
January 17, 2006
12:05 PM - 1/17/06
~You know
I feel there is much I need to write about, but the bulk of it is not suitable for this blog. Amazingly enough, there are still aspects of my life which need to be kept hidden. This is not ideal, but it is necessary.
You see that which I present to you.
I present to you that which you desire me to present.
Truth is transient.
~You know
I feel there is much I need to write about, but the bulk of it is not suitable for this blog. Amazingly enough, there are still aspects of my life which need to be kept hidden. This is not ideal, but it is necessary.
You see that which I present to you.
I present to you that which you desire me to present.
Truth is transient.
Monday, January 16, 2006
January 16, 2006
8:17 AM - 1/16/06
~past time
I think that they fixed the time zone thing. I guess that I'll find out once I hit "publish".
I'm really tired. Couldn't sleep well. Something going whacky with my right leg and hip... pain was really bad. I'll go with a 9 or 10... and it lasted for hours.
Can't help but wonder if I was so upset yesterday for reasons other than the fact that I can be a cranky bitch sometimes.
I'm getting that bottle of Scotch today. I don't care if I have to crawl to the liquor store.
------------------------------------
ok, so much for the time zone. It's still 3 hours behind.
4:52 PM - 1/16/06
~Lulu ruled
I got my damn Scotch.
Well, you know what they say... If it's not Scottish, it's CRAP! (Fine, "they" don't say that, but Mike Meyers does, and he obviously knows something I don't. He's REEATCH BEEATCH!)
Anyway...
It was a pretty good day. RavensWings came over and we went to lunch, then to the Alky store and the food store. Spent some time laying on the floor (no furniture, remember?) talking about everything from men's groins throwing up, to Hee Haw.
The food store wasn't as bad today. My legs went goopy a couple of times, but I dealt with it ok.
It's 4:44 PM. Spooky number. It follows me, I swear. Yeah. Right. Ummm... I've had about 1 cup of Dewars. Just for the record, anything I say after the next 1/4 cup... just delete it from your memory. I was shnockered.
10:38 PM - 1/16/06
~The Terrier did it
oops.
passed out.
My stomach is PISSED OFF.
~past time
I think that they fixed the time zone thing. I guess that I'll find out once I hit "publish".
I'm really tired. Couldn't sleep well. Something going whacky with my right leg and hip... pain was really bad. I'll go with a 9 or 10... and it lasted for hours.
Can't help but wonder if I was so upset yesterday for reasons other than the fact that I can be a cranky bitch sometimes.
I'm getting that bottle of Scotch today. I don't care if I have to crawl to the liquor store.
------------------------------------
ok, so much for the time zone. It's still 3 hours behind.
4:52 PM - 1/16/06
~Lulu ruled
I got my damn Scotch.
Well, you know what they say... If it's not Scottish, it's CRAP! (Fine, "they" don't say that, but Mike Meyers does, and he obviously knows something I don't. He's REEATCH BEEATCH!)
Anyway...
It was a pretty good day. RavensWings came over and we went to lunch, then to the Alky store and the food store. Spent some time laying on the floor (no furniture, remember?) talking about everything from men's groins throwing up, to Hee Haw.
The food store wasn't as bad today. My legs went goopy a couple of times, but I dealt with it ok.
It's 4:44 PM. Spooky number. It follows me, I swear. Yeah. Right. Ummm... I've had about 1 cup of Dewars. Just for the record, anything I say after the next 1/4 cup... just delete it from your memory. I was shnockered.
10:38 PM - 1/16/06
~The Terrier did it
oops.
passed out.
My stomach is PISSED OFF.
Sunday, January 15, 2006
January 15, 2006
9:05 AM - 1/15/06
~This is NOT what I paid for.
I am SO incredibly PISSED OFF at ~blog right now. My apologies to everyone who reads my blog. I had no choice in this mess. I can't even fix it right now. Can't find anything. If I move from ~blog, I'll make sure to leave a message here.
9:26 AM - 1/15/06
~LIVID
You know, with me, it's not that ~blog just messed with my blog... ~blog just messed with MY LIFE. It's not just about being used to the way it was, it's that I no longer have the ability to FUCKING DEAL WITH THIS!!!!!!!! If this was ~blog when I signed up, I'D NEVER HAVE PUT MY BLOG HERE!!!!!!! AND it's NOT 6:30 in the MORNING WHERE THE FUCK DO I CHANGE THE MOTHERFUCKING TIME?????? WHERE THE FUCK DO I DO ANYTHING?????? I CAN'T EVEN FIGURE OUT HOW TO GET SPACES IN BETWEEN MY HURLINGS OF SHIT!!!!!!
11:27 AM - 1/15/06
~still ticked off
I'll say this much... If I don't leave ~blog after this mess, then I'll be here until I croak.
I REALLY wish I had that bottle of Scotch now.
...and the time is still wrong. My time is eleven something.
4:27 PM - 1/15/06
~ouch
I can barely see this. (as I type it!)
I'm trying my best to calm down about this whole thing. I guess that I'm just not good with surprises.
If I don't figure out how to change the size of this font (the way I see it while I'm writing in the posting window), I'm screwed.
10:12 PM - 1/15/06
~heavy lids
I'm starting to calm down a bit. Whatever happens, I'll get used to it. Eventually, I'll make this page make more sense... operate better.
I'm tired and hungry. I've spent way too much time in front of the computer today. My back hurts.
I suppose that tomorrow is another day... and the day after that is another one...
I'll adapt. I always do. I may bitch REALLY loud, but eventually I deal.
This is life.
~This is NOT what I paid for.
I am SO incredibly PISSED OFF at ~blog right now. My apologies to everyone who reads my blog. I had no choice in this mess. I can't even fix it right now. Can't find anything. If I move from ~blog, I'll make sure to leave a message here.
9:26 AM - 1/15/06
~LIVID
You know, with me, it's not that ~blog just messed with my blog... ~blog just messed with MY LIFE. It's not just about being used to the way it was, it's that I no longer have the ability to FUCKING DEAL WITH THIS!!!!!!!! If this was ~blog when I signed up, I'D NEVER HAVE PUT MY BLOG HERE!!!!!!! AND it's NOT 6:30 in the MORNING WHERE THE FUCK DO I CHANGE THE MOTHERFUCKING TIME?????? WHERE THE FUCK DO I DO ANYTHING?????? I CAN'T EVEN FIGURE OUT HOW TO GET SPACES IN BETWEEN MY HURLINGS OF SHIT!!!!!!
11:27 AM - 1/15/06
~still ticked off
I'll say this much... If I don't leave ~blog after this mess, then I'll be here until I croak.
I REALLY wish I had that bottle of Scotch now.
...and the time is still wrong. My time is eleven something.
4:27 PM - 1/15/06
~ouch
I can barely see this. (as I type it!)
I'm trying my best to calm down about this whole thing. I guess that I'm just not good with surprises.
If I don't figure out how to change the size of this font (the way I see it while I'm writing in the posting window), I'm screwed.
10:12 PM - 1/15/06
~heavy lids
I'm starting to calm down a bit. Whatever happens, I'll get used to it. Eventually, I'll make this page make more sense... operate better.
I'm tired and hungry. I've spent way too much time in front of the computer today. My back hurts.
I suppose that tomorrow is another day... and the day after that is another one...
I'll adapt. I always do. I may bitch REALLY loud, but eventually I deal.
This is life.
Saturday, January 14, 2006
January 14, 2006
12:20 AM - 1/14/06
~stupid jerk
I often learn things on TV. Tonight, while watching "House", I learned that what often happens to me at night while falling asleep is called a "myoclonic jerk". It's not that unusual for people with MS to experience them. With me, they started getting really bad in 2000. I actually mentioned it to my doctor. I thought that I was having heart problems. He brushed it off. oops.
Anyway, I was really tired. I thought that I could fall asleep. Didn't happen. Watched TV. Turned on the computer to look up the "myoclonic jerk" thing. Now I'm starting to hurt again, and think that I should get back into bed.
This is just so exciting.
Fuck the MS. I'm going to bore myself to death.
9:33 AM - 1/14/06
~More on jerks
So, I'm searching around for more on being attacked by jerks, and I find a page saying that it's not really a "Myoclonic jerk" but a "Hypnic jerk". Either way, it's a jerk.
I do get the ones that go on repeat, but the ones that scare the poo out of me are the ones that happen at night, just before I fall asleep. It is a lot like a hiccup, only more intense. It is like when you're falling asleep, and suddenly you feel like you're actually falling, and you brace yourself, but it's, again, more intense. It's like your heart forgot to beat and your lungs forgot to breathe, but then they suddenly remembered.
It's seeming tough to find information on it, but I'm sure that I'll eventually dig something up. With MS, it's usually more the repeated jerk/twitch thing. I get that, especially lately, in my arms. It's like my arm is listening to disco, and it dances for a while. I think that it might be called "myoclonic jerking"... either that or just "spasticity". The "before I sleep" ones don't have a rhythm. It's usually just once that it happens. Then, I'm wide awake and pretty freaked out. It doesn't always happen the next time I start drifting off, but sometimes it does, and goes on like that for a while.
I guess that whatever the explanation, it has something to do with my brain, and well... I really don't need any more information to know that my brain is indeed fucked up. It'd just be handy to have a name for what is going on. Helps bridge the language gap with Neurodude.
5:39 PM - 1/14/06
539pm011406 ~comment
(in "100 things" entry)
I read all 100. It would sure be difficult to put a label on you. I bet you make a great friend.
Well, if nothing else, I suppose my friends are never bored.
7:59 PM - 1/14/06
~chunks
Being that ~blog will be down tonight for maintenance, I'm sure that I'll be up and wanting to write then. Right now, my brain is moving a little slow. Maybe it's the weather. It was in the 50s today. That's just not right. It's supposed to snow overnight. Wednesday it's supposed to be near 50 again. This is New England. This is NOT RIGHT.
One of my neighbors is really sick. He's been puking all day. I don't know which apartment it's coming from, but it's pretty loud. Not that I haven't had pukey nights of my own, but... eew. I really shouldn't have to hear that.
Choppy's been at it all day too. I wish I knew what the hell she's chopping over there. It goes on every day, and it goes on for quite a while.
This is a perfect night for Scotch. No, I don't have any. I'm going to have to buy some. Monday is food store day... and Al Keyhole store day.
Sounds like a plan.
~stupid jerk
I often learn things on TV. Tonight, while watching "House", I learned that what often happens to me at night while falling asleep is called a "myoclonic jerk". It's not that unusual for people with MS to experience them. With me, they started getting really bad in 2000. I actually mentioned it to my doctor. I thought that I was having heart problems. He brushed it off. oops.
Anyway, I was really tired. I thought that I could fall asleep. Didn't happen. Watched TV. Turned on the computer to look up the "myoclonic jerk" thing. Now I'm starting to hurt again, and think that I should get back into bed.
This is just so exciting.
Fuck the MS. I'm going to bore myself to death.
9:33 AM - 1/14/06
~More on jerks
So, I'm searching around for more on being attacked by jerks, and I find a page saying that it's not really a "Myoclonic jerk" but a "Hypnic jerk". Either way, it's a jerk.
I do get the ones that go on repeat, but the ones that scare the poo out of me are the ones that happen at night, just before I fall asleep. It is a lot like a hiccup, only more intense. It is like when you're falling asleep, and suddenly you feel like you're actually falling, and you brace yourself, but it's, again, more intense. It's like your heart forgot to beat and your lungs forgot to breathe, but then they suddenly remembered.
It's seeming tough to find information on it, but I'm sure that I'll eventually dig something up. With MS, it's usually more the repeated jerk/twitch thing. I get that, especially lately, in my arms. It's like my arm is listening to disco, and it dances for a while. I think that it might be called "myoclonic jerking"... either that or just "spasticity". The "before I sleep" ones don't have a rhythm. It's usually just once that it happens. Then, I'm wide awake and pretty freaked out. It doesn't always happen the next time I start drifting off, but sometimes it does, and goes on like that for a while.
I guess that whatever the explanation, it has something to do with my brain, and well... I really don't need any more information to know that my brain is indeed fucked up. It'd just be handy to have a name for what is going on. Helps bridge the language gap with Neurodude.
5:39 PM - 1/14/06
539pm011406 ~comment
(in "100 things" entry)
I read all 100. It would sure be difficult to put a label on you. I bet you make a great friend.
Well, if nothing else, I suppose my friends are never bored.
7:59 PM - 1/14/06
~chunks
Being that ~blog will be down tonight for maintenance, I'm sure that I'll be up and wanting to write then. Right now, my brain is moving a little slow. Maybe it's the weather. It was in the 50s today. That's just not right. It's supposed to snow overnight. Wednesday it's supposed to be near 50 again. This is New England. This is NOT RIGHT.
One of my neighbors is really sick. He's been puking all day. I don't know which apartment it's coming from, but it's pretty loud. Not that I haven't had pukey nights of my own, but... eew. I really shouldn't have to hear that.
Choppy's been at it all day too. I wish I knew what the hell she's chopping over there. It goes on every day, and it goes on for quite a while.
This is a perfect night for Scotch. No, I don't have any. I'm going to have to buy some. Monday is food store day... and Al Keyhole store day.
Sounds like a plan.
Friday, January 13, 2006
January 13, 2006
2:06 PM - 1/13/06
~enjoy the silence
I was up earlier, but my eyes kept closing while sitting here. I slept for a little bit, but I'm still really tired. It's been pretty quiet today. I think that they were doing the floors next door, but it didn't take too long.
Stompy and Squeaky are home. I really don't know if there are one or two people upstairs, actually. Sounds like two... many stomps and many squeaks. Even that wasn't too bad today though, and I'm appreciating the lack of noise.
Hopefully I'll be able to enjoy the weekend. I'm guessing that the new tenant will be moving in on Monday. It'll be nice to be able to continue sleeping alone for a couple more days.
~enjoy the silence
I was up earlier, but my eyes kept closing while sitting here. I slept for a little bit, but I'm still really tired. It's been pretty quiet today. I think that they were doing the floors next door, but it didn't take too long.
Stompy and Squeaky are home. I really don't know if there are one or two people upstairs, actually. Sounds like two... many stomps and many squeaks. Even that wasn't too bad today though, and I'm appreciating the lack of noise.
Hopefully I'll be able to enjoy the weekend. I'm guessing that the new tenant will be moving in on Monday. It'll be nice to be able to continue sleeping alone for a couple more days.
Thursday, January 12, 2006
January 12, 2006
7:49 AM - 1/12/06
~wrong side of the wall
I'm up, and in a really bad fucking mood.
I don't know what dickhead needed to throw into the wall, and I don't care. I just know that I'd like to beat the fuck out of him with it.
5:22 PM - 1/12/06
~think first
It occurs to me that most people who read my blog have no clue what my life is really like, despite how much I write. Time and time again, I'm reminded of that when I read some of the comments.
The truth is that most of my time is spent in bed. Not because I'm lazy, but because I'm sick. I get up as often as I can, to do as much as I can... and I do mean CAN, not "want".
When I can, I spend time here, at my little table, online. Usually, I don't last very long. Sitting in one position for too long is not something I can do. I do manage to get online every day though.
When I can, I talk on the phone. I manage that every day too, even if it's for just a few minutes.
When I can, I take my trash out and get my mail from the mailbox. I can usually manage that once every few days.
When I can, I get a shower. I can usually manage that once every few days.
When I can, I cook food. I can usually manage that once a week or so. Other times, I eat things that can be thrown into the microwave, or prepared in less than 5 minutes.
When I can, I do a load of laundry. It's usually possible once a month or so.
When I can, I cut my hair. I can usually manage that once every couple of months.
I manage to pay my bills on time. I manage to go to the food store, with help from RavensWings. That happens about once a week, and takes a lot out of me.
That's about it. Again, the majority of my time is spent in bed. I can watch tv, or listen to it, depending on how well my eyes and ears are doing. If I can read, I'm attempting to figure out one form or another. I sleep when I can.
If I have a "good" day, I take advantage of it. They're few and far between, but when they happen, the last thing I want to be doing is sitting here on my ass in front of the computer, or laying in bed staring at the television.
That in mind, yes, my writing is a bit reflective of my anger, rage, frustration, and pain. If I wasn't really suffering, I'd be out doing something... anything other than sitting here growing my gut and bitching about everything.
It's not that I'm sick because I'm not active. I'm not active because I'm sick.
PLEASE keep that in mind. When you comment on my blog and in any way insinuate that something I'm doing is causing the problems I'm bitching about, what you're doing is 1) calling me "stupid", and 2) BLAMING ME. That REALLY pisses me off. Just call it one of my many psych issues, if you want. I'm fine with that.
ok... rant over.
~wrong side of the wall
I'm up, and in a really bad fucking mood.
I don't know what dickhead needed to throw into the wall, and I don't care. I just know that I'd like to beat the fuck out of him with it.
5:22 PM - 1/12/06
~think first
It occurs to me that most people who read my blog have no clue what my life is really like, despite how much I write. Time and time again, I'm reminded of that when I read some of the comments.
The truth is that most of my time is spent in bed. Not because I'm lazy, but because I'm sick. I get up as often as I can, to do as much as I can... and I do mean CAN, not "want".
When I can, I spend time here, at my little table, online. Usually, I don't last very long. Sitting in one position for too long is not something I can do. I do manage to get online every day though.
When I can, I talk on the phone. I manage that every day too, even if it's for just a few minutes.
When I can, I take my trash out and get my mail from the mailbox. I can usually manage that once every few days.
When I can, I get a shower. I can usually manage that once every few days.
When I can, I cook food. I can usually manage that once a week or so. Other times, I eat things that can be thrown into the microwave, or prepared in less than 5 minutes.
When I can, I do a load of laundry. It's usually possible once a month or so.
When I can, I cut my hair. I can usually manage that once every couple of months.
I manage to pay my bills on time. I manage to go to the food store, with help from RavensWings. That happens about once a week, and takes a lot out of me.
That's about it. Again, the majority of my time is spent in bed. I can watch tv, or listen to it, depending on how well my eyes and ears are doing. If I can read, I'm attempting to figure out one form or another. I sleep when I can.
If I have a "good" day, I take advantage of it. They're few and far between, but when they happen, the last thing I want to be doing is sitting here on my ass in front of the computer, or laying in bed staring at the television.
That in mind, yes, my writing is a bit reflective of my anger, rage, frustration, and pain. If I wasn't really suffering, I'd be out doing something... anything other than sitting here growing my gut and bitching about everything.
It's not that I'm sick because I'm not active. I'm not active because I'm sick.
PLEASE keep that in mind. When you comment on my blog and in any way insinuate that something I'm doing is causing the problems I'm bitching about, what you're doing is 1) calling me "stupid", and 2) BLAMING ME. That REALLY pisses me off. Just call it one of my many psych issues, if you want. I'm fine with that.
ok... rant over.
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
January 11, 2006
9:40 AM - 1/11/06
~Got Paint?
Needless to say, I have no desire to be awake right now. Worker dudes needed to do their thing though. Was woken up by a courtesy BANG, and then treated to Grace Slick asking me repeatedly whether or not I wanted somebody to love... whether or not I needed somebody to love, then deciding for me, apparently, and telling me that I'd better find somebody to love. Shit, the way I see it, all I really need is somebody to shut the fuck up and turn the radio down.
I think that they're painting today. I heard the sounds of plastic and paint cans. I did that once... painted apartments. The job didn't last long. The woman I was working for was a complete head case, and my head wasn't all that better. I liked the job, but I'm a little too anal retentive to be all that good at it. I'm in there trying to make it perfect. You're just supposed to throw the paint up there and get out. I think that was in '94, right before the restaurant job. Right before I completely fell to shit and ended up in lock up again. That was the whole "the roof started leaking" time period.
I think that someone dropped a paint bucket. My floor just shook. I called out, "Bless you!". I wonder if they heard me. I swear these apartments are made out of paper. I keep looking outside for the Big Bad Wolf.
Guess I should check the mirror.
12:29 PM - 1/11/06
Wednesday, January 11th, 2006
My head is full. So much is in there, so much I want to spill out... so many stories I want to tell. At the same time, I want to crawl into the skulls of others, find what I want, and add it to my info vault.
I don't want to learn from anyone. I just want to take what I want. I don't want to stroke anyone's already overblown ego by letting them think that they're actually teaching me anything. It's rare that I come across people who can teach me jack shit. Been there, done that, wrote the fucking book. What I want from people is just enough information from their brains to completely subdue them. It's all about control.
It's all about posturing and pretense.
It's all about protecting myself from those who would rip me to shreds... or getting back at those who already have.
My mother is German. Aryan. The person I was raised to believe was my father is Jewish. My mother converted to Judaism. She re-married another Jewish man when I was about 10. After I turned 18, I went to the tattoo parlor. The first professional tattoo I ever got was the Nazi Eagle.
It's all about growing up.
6:28 PM - 1/11/06
~Masked
My head is all over the place. It's choppy though... streams of thought stop and start. Things start making sense, then they seem to be complete bullshit.
There's a place my mind goes... it shifts... switches... alters... then, off it goes. It usually happens right after I feel sort of functional. I get up, check my e-mail, do some reading, take my meds, take a shower, get dressed, take the trash out, check the mail, make something to eat. I brush the pain off and make a phone call... I pace... I feel as if I'll be just fine... I can do it, I just have to get organized. Sometimes this lasts for quite a while. I start getting organized. Life starts changing. Then, I'm smacked in the face with reality. All of a sudden, I realize that I'm completely delusional. All of a sudden I realize that I'd just been playing some sort of messed up game with myself.
Yesterday, I got a shower and got my mail. Today, I actually vacuumed my floor. I just sat down here... I was pacing back and forth... thinking, thinking, thinking.
I can feel it, pulling me. My brain feels like it's being pushed by my spine.
I'm losing touch with people. They're seeming less and less real... no more real than the people on tv. People seem hollow... like puppets. I fade away from myself... my arms are not mine... I don't use my eyes to see, I see through these eyes.
Words lose their meaning as they appear on the screen.
Soon, my mask of sanity will slide off. Soon, reality and delusion will switch places.
...and I won't care to know the difference.
~Got Paint?
Needless to say, I have no desire to be awake right now. Worker dudes needed to do their thing though. Was woken up by a courtesy BANG, and then treated to Grace Slick asking me repeatedly whether or not I wanted somebody to love... whether or not I needed somebody to love, then deciding for me, apparently, and telling me that I'd better find somebody to love. Shit, the way I see it, all I really need is somebody to shut the fuck up and turn the radio down.
I think that they're painting today. I heard the sounds of plastic and paint cans. I did that once... painted apartments. The job didn't last long. The woman I was working for was a complete head case, and my head wasn't all that better. I liked the job, but I'm a little too anal retentive to be all that good at it. I'm in there trying to make it perfect. You're just supposed to throw the paint up there and get out. I think that was in '94, right before the restaurant job. Right before I completely fell to shit and ended up in lock up again. That was the whole "the roof started leaking" time period.
I think that someone dropped a paint bucket. My floor just shook. I called out, "Bless you!". I wonder if they heard me. I swear these apartments are made out of paper. I keep looking outside for the Big Bad Wolf.
Guess I should check the mirror.
12:29 PM - 1/11/06
Wednesday, January 11th, 2006
My head is full. So much is in there, so much I want to spill out... so many stories I want to tell. At the same time, I want to crawl into the skulls of others, find what I want, and add it to my info vault.
I don't want to learn from anyone. I just want to take what I want. I don't want to stroke anyone's already overblown ego by letting them think that they're actually teaching me anything. It's rare that I come across people who can teach me jack shit. Been there, done that, wrote the fucking book. What I want from people is just enough information from their brains to completely subdue them. It's all about control.
It's all about posturing and pretense.
It's all about protecting myself from those who would rip me to shreds... or getting back at those who already have.
My mother is German. Aryan. The person I was raised to believe was my father is Jewish. My mother converted to Judaism. She re-married another Jewish man when I was about 10. After I turned 18, I went to the tattoo parlor. The first professional tattoo I ever got was the Nazi Eagle.
It's all about growing up.
6:28 PM - 1/11/06
~Masked
My head is all over the place. It's choppy though... streams of thought stop and start. Things start making sense, then they seem to be complete bullshit.
There's a place my mind goes... it shifts... switches... alters... then, off it goes. It usually happens right after I feel sort of functional. I get up, check my e-mail, do some reading, take my meds, take a shower, get dressed, take the trash out, check the mail, make something to eat. I brush the pain off and make a phone call... I pace... I feel as if I'll be just fine... I can do it, I just have to get organized. Sometimes this lasts for quite a while. I start getting organized. Life starts changing. Then, I'm smacked in the face with reality. All of a sudden, I realize that I'm completely delusional. All of a sudden I realize that I'd just been playing some sort of messed up game with myself.
Yesterday, I got a shower and got my mail. Today, I actually vacuumed my floor. I just sat down here... I was pacing back and forth... thinking, thinking, thinking.
I can feel it, pulling me. My brain feels like it's being pushed by my spine.
I'm losing touch with people. They're seeming less and less real... no more real than the people on tv. People seem hollow... like puppets. I fade away from myself... my arms are not mine... I don't use my eyes to see, I see through these eyes.
Words lose their meaning as they appear on the screen.
Soon, my mask of sanity will slide off. Soon, reality and delusion will switch places.
...and I won't care to know the difference.
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
January 10, 2006
8:34 AM - 1/10/06
~idiots
I'm up. Not quite here, not quite there, but up. The worker dudes are doing whatever the hell it is that they're doing next door. Stupid loud ass motherfuckers.
We can create machines that think. We can put a man on the moon. We can fly. We can make babies in test tubes. We can turn air into water. ...but we can't make a motherfucking hammer that doesn't make motherfucking noise. The world is very obviously run by men who are very insecure about their penis size.
I'll be in bed, holding Bunny's ears.
10:39 AM - 1/10/06
The hit count (20) Almost there...
"Your page has been accessed 49905 times."
8:27 PM - 1/10/06
~uncomfortably numb
I'm having a lot of trouble writing. It's not like me, and it's not making me happy at all.
I keep just zoning out.
I don't know how to snap myself out of it.
9:34 PM - 1/10/06
The hit count (21)
It's official...
50,000
~idiots
I'm up. Not quite here, not quite there, but up. The worker dudes are doing whatever the hell it is that they're doing next door. Stupid loud ass motherfuckers.
We can create machines that think. We can put a man on the moon. We can fly. We can make babies in test tubes. We can turn air into water. ...but we can't make a motherfucking hammer that doesn't make motherfucking noise. The world is very obviously run by men who are very insecure about their penis size.
I'll be in bed, holding Bunny's ears.
10:39 AM - 1/10/06
The hit count (20) Almost there...
"Your page has been accessed 49905 times."
8:27 PM - 1/10/06
~uncomfortably numb
I'm having a lot of trouble writing. It's not like me, and it's not making me happy at all.
I keep just zoning out.
I don't know how to snap myself out of it.
9:34 PM - 1/10/06
The hit count (21)
It's official...
50,000
Monday, January 9, 2006
January 9, 2006
8:34 AM - 1/9/06
~something in the air
What an odd 24 hours. I feel something along the lines of a hangover. It was just a very full day. People. The more people I involve in my life, the more stressed I feel. It's that whole "obligation" thing. One friend of mine is currently going through something similar... feeling pulled by everyone and everything. Sometimes it does get too much, and the desire is to run from it all. You never can though, the problem isn't what's around you, it is you.
What sometimes helps is just letting yourself be an asshole... stop trying to make everyone happy... stop trying to pre-meditate rejection. Do what makes you happy, the rest of the world will eventually get over it. I don't mean walk all over people, but just stop trying to carry them... even let them carry you for a while.
Stop trying to find happiness. Sit down, put your feet up, and let happiness find you.
My heart is in many places this morning.
5:52 PM - 1/9/06
~ho hum
Coughy and Murmur moved out yesterday. The worker dudes went in bright and early this morning. Yes, they're rather loud. From what I heard from Coughy (through the wall, of course) while they were moving out, the new tenant should be moving in on the 15th. I'm crossing my fingers. A quiet smoker would be ideal.
It was odd. I felt something akin to loneliness for a moment, before going to sleep the night before last. It was just so quiet. I'm used to hearing him... "feeling" him on the other side of the wall. It's like going from sleeping with another person, to sleeping alone. It was only odd for a moment though. After that, I stretched, squeaked, and smiled. My "bed" squeaks when I move. (Actually, it's a twin bed frame, kid's matress, and and "bunky board". Actual beds are way too expensive.) Not having to worry about waking anyone up felt good. Coughy's bed squeaked a lot too.... and I swear that he had bouts restless leg syndrome. (Just let me think that. I really don't want to think about what else he might have been doing.)
I have a lot that I really want to be able to do. I couldn't even manage a shower today though. I went to the food store and out to lunch, with RavensWings. As usual, it was good to see her. As usual, the food store experience was a bit much. I really think that it is just some sort of sensory overload. My hand froze up again, and my legs buckled a couple of times. (Nessie to the rescue!) My ears are still ringing. When I sleep is the only time they're not ringing, I guess. They don't ring in my dreams, from what I can recall.
Maybe tomorrow I can manage to do something. Even one thing might be nice. Cut my hair. Shower. Fill out those forms. Vacuum. Laundry. Cook something? It's shot day, so I have to manage that. They haven't gone too well lately. Seems the needle just doesn't want to go in. Not fun.
I want a drink. I wish I didn't. I'm losing more and more muscle and gaining fat. Beer doesn't help with that at all.
No, I have no idea why I even care. Certain programming runs deep, I suppose.
~something in the air
What an odd 24 hours. I feel something along the lines of a hangover. It was just a very full day. People. The more people I involve in my life, the more stressed I feel. It's that whole "obligation" thing. One friend of mine is currently going through something similar... feeling pulled by everyone and everything. Sometimes it does get too much, and the desire is to run from it all. You never can though, the problem isn't what's around you, it is you.
What sometimes helps is just letting yourself be an asshole... stop trying to make everyone happy... stop trying to pre-meditate rejection. Do what makes you happy, the rest of the world will eventually get over it. I don't mean walk all over people, but just stop trying to carry them... even let them carry you for a while.
Stop trying to find happiness. Sit down, put your feet up, and let happiness find you.
My heart is in many places this morning.
5:52 PM - 1/9/06
~ho hum
Coughy and Murmur moved out yesterday. The worker dudes went in bright and early this morning. Yes, they're rather loud. From what I heard from Coughy (through the wall, of course) while they were moving out, the new tenant should be moving in on the 15th. I'm crossing my fingers. A quiet smoker would be ideal.
It was odd. I felt something akin to loneliness for a moment, before going to sleep the night before last. It was just so quiet. I'm used to hearing him... "feeling" him on the other side of the wall. It's like going from sleeping with another person, to sleeping alone. It was only odd for a moment though. After that, I stretched, squeaked, and smiled. My "bed" squeaks when I move. (Actually, it's a twin bed frame, kid's matress, and and "bunky board". Actual beds are way too expensive.) Not having to worry about waking anyone up felt good. Coughy's bed squeaked a lot too.... and I swear that he had bouts restless leg syndrome. (Just let me think that. I really don't want to think about what else he might have been doing.)
I have a lot that I really want to be able to do. I couldn't even manage a shower today though. I went to the food store and out to lunch, with RavensWings. As usual, it was good to see her. As usual, the food store experience was a bit much. I really think that it is just some sort of sensory overload. My hand froze up again, and my legs buckled a couple of times. (Nessie to the rescue!) My ears are still ringing. When I sleep is the only time they're not ringing, I guess. They don't ring in my dreams, from what I can recall.
Maybe tomorrow I can manage to do something. Even one thing might be nice. Cut my hair. Shower. Fill out those forms. Vacuum. Laundry. Cook something? It's shot day, so I have to manage that. They haven't gone too well lately. Seems the needle just doesn't want to go in. Not fun.
I want a drink. I wish I didn't. I'm losing more and more muscle and gaining fat. Beer doesn't help with that at all.
No, I have no idea why I even care. Certain programming runs deep, I suppose.
Sunday, January 8, 2006
January 8, 2006
4:11 AM - 1/8/06
~twisted
Drank a lot, last night. I vaguely remember the evening, but not entirely. Took a sleeping pill around 9 or so. I was pretty altered. I needed to be. Sometimes, that's the only way I get through.
Woke up around 2AM. I forget what was on the tv. I think that I'd been watching the Redskins and Tampa Bay earlier. Apparently the Redskins won, and the Patriots won the next game. Bummer I missed it.
I'm getting back to that depressed point... fuck everything, it's never going to get better, it's only getting worse, may as well be stupid and hope that I can get to the point where I hate myself enough to die ungracefully. While I'm at it, maybe I can manage to get everyone else to the point where they hate me, that way they won't feel bad when I'm gone. Yeah, that point.
I still feel pretty altered... not well... like I want to disappear.
I need more sleep.
4:34 PM - 1/8/06
~and it goes on
I guess I don't feel too much like writing. That's rare for me. Usually, I write as much as I breathe. Metaphorically speaking, of course.
Talked (on the phone) with an old friend, today. It makes me smile. I've met some of the best people, in my life. I've been very lucky that way. I've had SHIT luck otherwise, but in so far as meeting the best of the best? I've definitely won.
I'm doing my best to zone things out. Today, the most annoying things were my eyesight and being dizzy. Earlier, I had some weird things going on with my right ear, but I can still hear out of it, so, that's all that matters.
Guess I'll be in bed. It seems that it's a comfy place. I just laid there, hugging Bunny, earlier today. I don't do that much. I'm not much of a hugger. I didn't even sleep with Bunny for a long while. Over the past few years, he sleeps with me.
Got really bothered by a thought I had, the other day... I thought... SHIT, what if I die?!? EEEEEW!!!!!
I hope that someone saves Bunny. Even if he's goopy... he can be washed. I swear! :(
~twisted
Drank a lot, last night. I vaguely remember the evening, but not entirely. Took a sleeping pill around 9 or so. I was pretty altered. I needed to be. Sometimes, that's the only way I get through.
Woke up around 2AM. I forget what was on the tv. I think that I'd been watching the Redskins and Tampa Bay earlier. Apparently the Redskins won, and the Patriots won the next game. Bummer I missed it.
I'm getting back to that depressed point... fuck everything, it's never going to get better, it's only getting worse, may as well be stupid and hope that I can get to the point where I hate myself enough to die ungracefully. While I'm at it, maybe I can manage to get everyone else to the point where they hate me, that way they won't feel bad when I'm gone. Yeah, that point.
I still feel pretty altered... not well... like I want to disappear.
I need more sleep.
4:34 PM - 1/8/06
~and it goes on
I guess I don't feel too much like writing. That's rare for me. Usually, I write as much as I breathe. Metaphorically speaking, of course.
Talked (on the phone) with an old friend, today. It makes me smile. I've met some of the best people, in my life. I've been very lucky that way. I've had SHIT luck otherwise, but in so far as meeting the best of the best? I've definitely won.
I'm doing my best to zone things out. Today, the most annoying things were my eyesight and being dizzy. Earlier, I had some weird things going on with my right ear, but I can still hear out of it, so, that's all that matters.
Guess I'll be in bed. It seems that it's a comfy place. I just laid there, hugging Bunny, earlier today. I don't do that much. I'm not much of a hugger. I didn't even sleep with Bunny for a long while. Over the past few years, he sleeps with me.
Got really bothered by a thought I had, the other day... I thought... SHIT, what if I die?!? EEEEEW!!!!!
I hope that someone saves Bunny. Even if he's goopy... he can be washed. I swear! :(
Saturday, January 7, 2006
January 7, 2006
6:05 AM - 1/7/06
~Trouble sleeping
Wasn't able to sleep more than about an hour or two. Very very tired. Might end up taking something, if I can't manage to fall asleep next time I try. It's mostly my ears. The ringing is really loud. Hurts a lot. There are other things going on, but it's my ears that are the biggest problem.
If I can, I'll give it another couple of weeks before I head in for more Solu-Medrol. I have to manage to get some sleep though. Out of everything, legal or not, sleep works the best when it comes to helping me.
Just thought of the movie "The Hunger". Both the book and the movie were always amongst my all time favorites. I keep hearing Catherine DeNeuve saying, "He's having trouble sleeping."
Indeed.
~Trouble sleeping
Wasn't able to sleep more than about an hour or two. Very very tired. Might end up taking something, if I can't manage to fall asleep next time I try. It's mostly my ears. The ringing is really loud. Hurts a lot. There are other things going on, but it's my ears that are the biggest problem.
If I can, I'll give it another couple of weeks before I head in for more Solu-Medrol. I have to manage to get some sleep though. Out of everything, legal or not, sleep works the best when it comes to helping me.
Just thought of the movie "The Hunger". Both the book and the movie were always amongst my all time favorites. I keep hearing Catherine DeNeuve saying, "He's having trouble sleeping."
Indeed.
Friday, January 6, 2006
January 6, 2006
8:25 AM - 1/6/06
~quietly smoking
More than anything right now, I just feel sleepy. I don't even know why I got out of bed. Coughy woke me up, but I was tired enough to fall back to sleep. I just wanted a smoke, and felt bad about lighting one up with Coughy already going at it. So, I dragged myself out to the living room. Squeaky and Stompy are up. I haven't heard Choppy yet. The Seal is obviously up. Haven't mentioned him yet, I guess. It's a dog who lives in one of the nearby houses. Sounds just like a seal.
I don't know why I care. It's not like my neighbors are considerate of me. In fact, it's people like them who have made my life pretty damn hellish. I should be able to give Coughy and Murmur the, proverbial, finger. I don't though. I worry and make my life more difficult because I don't want to deal with them.
I should really go back to bed.
4:14 PM - 1/6/06
~Form time
Finally made it out to get my mail. I didn't fall, but I had to take it really really slow. It's nice out, the lot isn't a sheet of ice, but there's still snow out there. I'd like to be able to sit outside for a while, but I fear having to deal with my neighbors. They stop and talk if they see me out there, and I don't want to talk with them. They're loud, and their voices hurt my ears.
Got some papers in the mail from the Housing Authority. Have to give them my new information for 2006. My rent will increase, because SSD increased. It always works that way, whatever you get from Social Security as a "cost of living" increase gets taken by whatever other organizations are helping you out... or it puts you right over one limit or another so that you don't qualify for the help anymore. I guess that I'll have to update with Medicaid too. Stupid forms. Right now, I can barely read them. Maybe tomorrow I'll be able to see better.
It could happen.
6:44 PM - 1/6/06
Multiple Sclerosis morbidity
Sometimes, I get really really scared. I get weird pains in my head, feels like a blood vessel bursting... or sometimes, various body parts lock up... all of a sudden, it'll (OUCH... head pains as I write this)... it'll take about a minute to move something, whether it's my leg or arm or hand. It happened to me a few times at the grocery store... I was trying to take something out or put something into my wallet, and my hands just froze up... I couldn't move them. I tried to just play it off, but it embarrassed me.
At some point, last night, I remember leaning up against the entryway to my kitchen and talking myself out of crying. I don't remember what it was that upset me, but it had something to do with the MS. I guess, sometimes I get depressed, and sometimes I go beyond that, and I'm just a wreck.
Spent a good hour, today, thinking about what I would do if I lost my sight and my hearing at the same time. At first, I planned out the suicide, but then I got more realistic and tried to start memorizing my cell phone better. Just call RavensWings, or text message her, over and over and over. She'll know that there's something wrong. ...or, get Nessie and start breaking things, someone will call the cops. ...or go door to door asking for help.
I lost my sight, in one eye, once. There's no knowing whether or not they could get things back... even a little.
I guess I'm in Morbidville.
sorry
I think that I'm flaring. PRMS. Whatever. All I know is that THIS SUCKS.
~quietly smoking
More than anything right now, I just feel sleepy. I don't even know why I got out of bed. Coughy woke me up, but I was tired enough to fall back to sleep. I just wanted a smoke, and felt bad about lighting one up with Coughy already going at it. So, I dragged myself out to the living room. Squeaky and Stompy are up. I haven't heard Choppy yet. The Seal is obviously up. Haven't mentioned him yet, I guess. It's a dog who lives in one of the nearby houses. Sounds just like a seal.
I don't know why I care. It's not like my neighbors are considerate of me. In fact, it's people like them who have made my life pretty damn hellish. I should be able to give Coughy and Murmur the, proverbial, finger. I don't though. I worry and make my life more difficult because I don't want to deal with them.
I should really go back to bed.
4:14 PM - 1/6/06
~Form time
Finally made it out to get my mail. I didn't fall, but I had to take it really really slow. It's nice out, the lot isn't a sheet of ice, but there's still snow out there. I'd like to be able to sit outside for a while, but I fear having to deal with my neighbors. They stop and talk if they see me out there, and I don't want to talk with them. They're loud, and their voices hurt my ears.
Got some papers in the mail from the Housing Authority. Have to give them my new information for 2006. My rent will increase, because SSD increased. It always works that way, whatever you get from Social Security as a "cost of living" increase gets taken by whatever other organizations are helping you out... or it puts you right over one limit or another so that you don't qualify for the help anymore. I guess that I'll have to update with Medicaid too. Stupid forms. Right now, I can barely read them. Maybe tomorrow I'll be able to see better.
It could happen.
6:44 PM - 1/6/06
Multiple Sclerosis morbidity
Sometimes, I get really really scared. I get weird pains in my head, feels like a blood vessel bursting... or sometimes, various body parts lock up... all of a sudden, it'll (OUCH... head pains as I write this)... it'll take about a minute to move something, whether it's my leg or arm or hand. It happened to me a few times at the grocery store... I was trying to take something out or put something into my wallet, and my hands just froze up... I couldn't move them. I tried to just play it off, but it embarrassed me.
At some point, last night, I remember leaning up against the entryway to my kitchen and talking myself out of crying. I don't remember what it was that upset me, but it had something to do with the MS. I guess, sometimes I get depressed, and sometimes I go beyond that, and I'm just a wreck.
Spent a good hour, today, thinking about what I would do if I lost my sight and my hearing at the same time. At first, I planned out the suicide, but then I got more realistic and tried to start memorizing my cell phone better. Just call RavensWings, or text message her, over and over and over. She'll know that there's something wrong. ...or, get Nessie and start breaking things, someone will call the cops. ...or go door to door asking for help.
I lost my sight, in one eye, once. There's no knowing whether or not they could get things back... even a little.
I guess I'm in Morbidville.
sorry
I think that I'm flaring. PRMS. Whatever. All I know is that THIS SUCKS.
Thursday, January 5, 2006
January 5, 2006
9:44 AM - 1/5/06
~dreary
Spent some time on the phone, and drank a few beers, last night. It's not exactly a social life, but it's better than nothing. Managed to get enough of an appetite to eat a couple of eggs and a piece of toast before crashing out. Didn't forget my Lamictal this time.
Doesn't look like my friend is going to be able to come up. Between her work schedule and my brother's, by the time they would get up here, they'd have no time to spend until they had to turn around and leave. It's a really long drive. On the best day, it's about 5 hours each way. I guess that it just has to be planned out better. It sucks that I can't go down for the visit. I'm hoping that some sort of miracle will happen and I'll get to the point of feeling like I can risk the trip. On my best days, I get about 5 hours until I have to ouch my way into bed.
Left a message for Neurodude about my Inderal problem. I won't get my hopes up about hearing from him anytime soon though.
Boy, do I ever feel crappy. It looks like it's going to rain, or snow, or something. Perfect day for hanging with Bunny.
4:33 PM - 1/5/06
~Another drug down
So, no more Lamictal for me. I took the increased dose for the first time, this morning, and had a really bad reaction. Scary.
Made an "emergency" call to Neurology, and they tracked down Neurodude. He said that the reaction was not typical (unique again? who knew?), but that if by 4PM I wasn't feeling any better, I should come into the ER. It's after 4PM now. I'm feeling a little better.
It worries me. I hope that it was just the Lamictal. If it wasn't, it's "here we go again". There's a lot going on, symptom-wise. My eyes are bad. My ears haven't stopped ringing since I don't know when, but I think that it's been months. It's getting really painful. My left foot is messed up. My head is hurting in strange ways. Having breathing trouble. My legs completely went out on me today. Spasticity all over the place. Shaking. Nausea. Dizziness. Random pains. All the way around, I'm just not doing well at all.
It's a few months until the next MRI. I don't know if I'll make it that long before ending up in the damn ER. Then, they'll admit me and put more chemicals in my veins. woohoo
Are we having fun yet?
5:42 PM - 1/5/06
The hit count (19) 49
It's at 49,000 exactly.
~dreary
Spent some time on the phone, and drank a few beers, last night. It's not exactly a social life, but it's better than nothing. Managed to get enough of an appetite to eat a couple of eggs and a piece of toast before crashing out. Didn't forget my Lamictal this time.
Doesn't look like my friend is going to be able to come up. Between her work schedule and my brother's, by the time they would get up here, they'd have no time to spend until they had to turn around and leave. It's a really long drive. On the best day, it's about 5 hours each way. I guess that it just has to be planned out better. It sucks that I can't go down for the visit. I'm hoping that some sort of miracle will happen and I'll get to the point of feeling like I can risk the trip. On my best days, I get about 5 hours until I have to ouch my way into bed.
Left a message for Neurodude about my Inderal problem. I won't get my hopes up about hearing from him anytime soon though.
Boy, do I ever feel crappy. It looks like it's going to rain, or snow, or something. Perfect day for hanging with Bunny.
4:33 PM - 1/5/06
~Another drug down
So, no more Lamictal for me. I took the increased dose for the first time, this morning, and had a really bad reaction. Scary.
Made an "emergency" call to Neurology, and they tracked down Neurodude. He said that the reaction was not typical (unique again? who knew?), but that if by 4PM I wasn't feeling any better, I should come into the ER. It's after 4PM now. I'm feeling a little better.
It worries me. I hope that it was just the Lamictal. If it wasn't, it's "here we go again". There's a lot going on, symptom-wise. My eyes are bad. My ears haven't stopped ringing since I don't know when, but I think that it's been months. It's getting really painful. My left foot is messed up. My head is hurting in strange ways. Having breathing trouble. My legs completely went out on me today. Spasticity all over the place. Shaking. Nausea. Dizziness. Random pains. All the way around, I'm just not doing well at all.
It's a few months until the next MRI. I don't know if I'll make it that long before ending up in the damn ER. Then, they'll admit me and put more chemicals in my veins. woohoo
Are we having fun yet?
5:42 PM - 1/5/06
The hit count (19) 49
It's at 49,000 exactly.
Wednesday, January 4, 2006
January 4, 2006
12:26 AM - 1/4/06
Just letting you know
Just got off of the phone with Jk, after over 3 hours.
She's going to try to come up with S. for the weekend (14th/15th), rather than me going down there.
She REALLY wants to meet you.
12:58 AM - 1/4/06
~Medicare Duh
I feel a lot better now. Cage is coming to see me! :D
It was a long day. I'm glad that it's over. I paid my bills, and looked into the Medicare D thing. Apparently, my new plan doesn't cover Inderal. Bummer. Now I get to decide... either go off of it, or deal with the side effects of the generic, twice a day, version. Decisions Decisions.
Pretty fucked up. Seems that, across the board, most medications that deal with calming people down aren't covered. It reeks of when they emptied the Mental Hospitals in the 80's. There will be a lot of "Psychotic" folk who will be forced off of their meds. Not good at all.
I don't know that I can handle the twice daily generic. I'm already nauseous all the time, and "the runs" are more often than not. My stomach just can't deal. Yeah, I'm sure that they can give me, yet another, pill for that. Whatever. Drug companies will make more money, at our expense. Thanks President Fuckhead.
Take the "burden" off of the States, and help the Insurance companies make money. Right. I wonder how much the States will have to pay to house/imprison all the people who went whacko because of this faulty Medicare D thing.
Dark times... in the negative sense of the word. Times, they are a changin'... in a REALLY BAD fucking way.
Do I have "faith"? Well... honestly? I do. In the end, "good" will win out. I really do believe that we all want "good".
We just disagree on what "good" is.
There is "good" and there is "evil". "Evil" will eat itself. "Good" will keep trying.
Stay true to your heart. That's where "good" lives.
8:12 AM - 1/4/06
~way to go
It's food store day. Getting out of the house is good, but I know what usually happens, so I can't help but worry. Sucks that it takes a day to recover from going to the damn grocery store.
Completely forgot to take my meds last night. Got caught up on the phone. Not that the conversation wasn't good, but because I was on the phone, my alarm, which is on said phone, couldn't go off. oops. I was supposed to increase my dose, too. I guess that I'll just take the same dose as I've been taking, and then increase it tonight. I still have no clue why I'm even on the stuff.
Have to figure out the whole Inderal situation. Playing phone tag with Neurodude is not something that I feel like doing today. Unlike the Lamictal, the Inderal might actually be doing me some good. Figures.
What I really feel like doing is getting back into bed. It's one of those mornings that I worry about the hazzards of showering with MS. There are 3 basic situations in which, I think, no one wants to spend their final moments of life... in the shower, on the can, or with their hand down their pants. All washed up... canned... crapped out... petered out... fucked up? Yes, I do think about things like this.
I never claimed to be all that right in the head.
8:41 PM - 1/4/06
~wanting to see green
I have a headache, and my eyes are giving me trouble... especially the right one. Makes me nervous. I was lucky, I got most of my sight back after the course of Solu-Medrol, back in December of '04. Now though, even an eye booger can freak me out.
I remember watching as things disappeared. Once I couldn't even see the moon anymore, I was sincerely a complete mess.
"Read the lowest line on the eye chart."
"What eye chart?"
Fun stuff.
Wish I'd bought that bottle of Scotch today. I was feeling really nauseous, so I skipped it and bought a jug of wine instead. I haven't been drinking that much, lately. Haven't really had the stomach for it. Truth is, I often drink to spark my appetite. I'm not happy with my current weight, so I'm trying not to drink as much. The Lamictal kills what little appetite I do have too, so I really haven't been eating much either. Been drinking a lot of coffee, but that's about it. Beer and wine have seemed too weak. I have to drink too much to get any sort of benefit from it. A few shots of Scotch would be nice, right about now.
Found out today that they're trying to legalize the use of pot for medicinal purposes, here in MassiveJewZits. They include MS as one of the diseases it could be prescribed for. I wonder if Medicare D will pay for that.
Just letting you know
Just got off of the phone with Jk, after over 3 hours.
She's going to try to come up with S. for the weekend (14th/15th), rather than me going down there.
She REALLY wants to meet you.
12:58 AM - 1/4/06
~Medicare Duh
I feel a lot better now. Cage is coming to see me! :D
It was a long day. I'm glad that it's over. I paid my bills, and looked into the Medicare D thing. Apparently, my new plan doesn't cover Inderal. Bummer. Now I get to decide... either go off of it, or deal with the side effects of the generic, twice a day, version. Decisions Decisions.
Pretty fucked up. Seems that, across the board, most medications that deal with calming people down aren't covered. It reeks of when they emptied the Mental Hospitals in the 80's. There will be a lot of "Psychotic" folk who will be forced off of their meds. Not good at all.
I don't know that I can handle the twice daily generic. I'm already nauseous all the time, and "the runs" are more often than not. My stomach just can't deal. Yeah, I'm sure that they can give me, yet another, pill for that. Whatever. Drug companies will make more money, at our expense. Thanks President Fuckhead.
Take the "burden" off of the States, and help the Insurance companies make money. Right. I wonder how much the States will have to pay to house/imprison all the people who went whacko because of this faulty Medicare D thing.
Dark times... in the negative sense of the word. Times, they are a changin'... in a REALLY BAD fucking way.
Do I have "faith"? Well... honestly? I do. In the end, "good" will win out. I really do believe that we all want "good".
We just disagree on what "good" is.
There is "good" and there is "evil". "Evil" will eat itself. "Good" will keep trying.
Stay true to your heart. That's where "good" lives.
8:12 AM - 1/4/06
~way to go
It's food store day. Getting out of the house is good, but I know what usually happens, so I can't help but worry. Sucks that it takes a day to recover from going to the damn grocery store.
Completely forgot to take my meds last night. Got caught up on the phone. Not that the conversation wasn't good, but because I was on the phone, my alarm, which is on said phone, couldn't go off. oops. I was supposed to increase my dose, too. I guess that I'll just take the same dose as I've been taking, and then increase it tonight. I still have no clue why I'm even on the stuff.
Have to figure out the whole Inderal situation. Playing phone tag with Neurodude is not something that I feel like doing today. Unlike the Lamictal, the Inderal might actually be doing me some good. Figures.
What I really feel like doing is getting back into bed. It's one of those mornings that I worry about the hazzards of showering with MS. There are 3 basic situations in which, I think, no one wants to spend their final moments of life... in the shower, on the can, or with their hand down their pants. All washed up... canned... crapped out... petered out... fucked up? Yes, I do think about things like this.
I never claimed to be all that right in the head.
8:41 PM - 1/4/06
~wanting to see green
I have a headache, and my eyes are giving me trouble... especially the right one. Makes me nervous. I was lucky, I got most of my sight back after the course of Solu-Medrol, back in December of '04. Now though, even an eye booger can freak me out.
I remember watching as things disappeared. Once I couldn't even see the moon anymore, I was sincerely a complete mess.
"Read the lowest line on the eye chart."
"What eye chart?"
Fun stuff.
Wish I'd bought that bottle of Scotch today. I was feeling really nauseous, so I skipped it and bought a jug of wine instead. I haven't been drinking that much, lately. Haven't really had the stomach for it. Truth is, I often drink to spark my appetite. I'm not happy with my current weight, so I'm trying not to drink as much. The Lamictal kills what little appetite I do have too, so I really haven't been eating much either. Been drinking a lot of coffee, but that's about it. Beer and wine have seemed too weak. I have to drink too much to get any sort of benefit from it. A few shots of Scotch would be nice, right about now.
Found out today that they're trying to legalize the use of pot for medicinal purposes, here in MassiveJewZits. They include MS as one of the diseases it could be prescribed for. I wonder if Medicare D will pay for that.
Tuesday, January 3, 2006
January 3, 2006
12:51 AM - 1/3/06
~More Stevie
It's in my head... so I'll post it. I may delete it later, but that's ok. I guess I just needed to share... or something.
Beauty and the Beast
You're not a stranger to me
And you are something to see
You don't even know how to please
You say a lot but you're unaware how to leave
My darling lives in a world that is not mine
An old child misunderstood out of time
Timeless is the creature who is wise
And timeless is the prisoner in disguise
Oh who is the beauty who the beast
Would you die of grieving when I leave
Two children too blind to see
I would fall in your shadow I believe
My love is a man who's not been tamed
Oh my love lives in a world of false pleasure and pain
We come from different worlds we are the same my love
I never doubted your beauty I've changed
I never doubted your beauty I've changed
Changed
who is the beauty
Where is my beast (my love)
There is no beauty
Without my beast (my love)
Who is the beauty
Who my love
Ahhh
Oh la bête la bête
Where is my beast
My beauty my beauty
My beautiful beautiful beautiful
Beautiful beast
written by Stevie Nicks
- appears on The Wild Heart (1983)
11:24 AM - 1/3/06
~the mind killer
Sometimes, the music in my head is REALLY loud. Sometimes that's ok, sometimes it's not. I have no clue why that particular song got in there last night, but it's probably my favorite Stevie song, so that's ok.
Wasn't feeling too well last night, so I took a sleepy pill. It's rare that I use them, because they don't work if I take them too often. I got a decent amount of sleep from it, and that's a good thing. It was much needed.
My head has been hot, over the last few days. I don't like it when it's hot. In my experience, when my head gets hot, it's because the MS is munching away.
It's pretty messed up... I can't enjoy the "bad" time, because I'm too busy fearing the "dangerous" time. It really scares me. I really don't think that I can make it through another "dangerous" time. The last one was over a year long.
I'm petrified.
~More Stevie
It's in my head... so I'll post it. I may delete it later, but that's ok. I guess I just needed to share... or something.
Beauty and the Beast
You're not a stranger to me
And you are something to see
You don't even know how to please
You say a lot but you're unaware how to leave
My darling lives in a world that is not mine
An old child misunderstood out of time
Timeless is the creature who is wise
And timeless is the prisoner in disguise
Oh who is the beauty who the beast
Would you die of grieving when I leave
Two children too blind to see
I would fall in your shadow I believe
My love is a man who's not been tamed
Oh my love lives in a world of false pleasure and pain
We come from different worlds we are the same my love
I never doubted your beauty I've changed
I never doubted your beauty I've changed
Changed
who is the beauty
Where is my beast (my love)
There is no beauty
Without my beast (my love)
Who is the beauty
Who my love
Ahhh
Oh la bête la bête
Where is my beast
My beauty my beauty
My beautiful beautiful beautiful
Beautiful beast
written by Stevie Nicks
- appears on The Wild Heart (1983)
11:24 AM - 1/3/06
~the mind killer
Sometimes, the music in my head is REALLY loud. Sometimes that's ok, sometimes it's not. I have no clue why that particular song got in there last night, but it's probably my favorite Stevie song, so that's ok.
Wasn't feeling too well last night, so I took a sleepy pill. It's rare that I use them, because they don't work if I take them too often. I got a decent amount of sleep from it, and that's a good thing. It was much needed.
My head has been hot, over the last few days. I don't like it when it's hot. In my experience, when my head gets hot, it's because the MS is munching away.
It's pretty messed up... I can't enjoy the "bad" time, because I'm too busy fearing the "dangerous" time. It really scares me. I really don't think that I can make it through another "dangerous" time. The last one was over a year long.
I'm petrified.
Monday, January 2, 2006
January 2, 2006
6:41 AM - 1/2/06
~Just like the white winged dove
Stevie Nicks was in my dream. I don't remember the whole thing, but I remember her being in it. Now, "Edge of Seventeen" is stuck in my head on repeat. Not that I mind, really, but I wish my brainio would play more than about 30 seconds of it.
I'm not too sure what it is about Stevie Nicks. I've been a "fan" since I was about 12 or 13, I guess. Not that I didn't appreciate any Fleetwood Mac that I'd heard before then, but I suppose that when she started with her solo stuff, I was at just the right age to get starry eyed. Since then, she has stayed at the top of my "favorites" list of famous people.
I'm really not one to get "star struck". "Famous people" are just people. Either they're people with connections, or with really good luck. We turn them into Gods and Goddesses in our heads though. They can do no wrong. They become our phantom girlfriends or boyfriends, brothers or sisters, mothers or fathers, friends or relatives, husbands or wives. They fill in when the real people around us fall short of our expectations. I think that a lot of people use "God" for that purpose too.
There's a commercial on tv that they've been showing constantly. It's a commercial for some sort of Christian music CD. The footage they show in the commercial is filmed at some sort of concert where Christian "rock" bands are playing. The faces of the people in the audience are frightening. They gaze, either up at the stage or up at the ceiling, on the verge of tears, as they mouth the lyrics to the songs. I swear that the people who made the ad must be related to the ones who did the Sylvan learning center or the recent Army commercials. The spot of light in the people's eyes is put there so perfectly, and the light shines on them in just the right way. They rival the Save the Children ads, when it comes to blatant manipulation. "Buy this album! It'll make your life perfect! See what it does for them! You can all but pop wood! For just $20 or so, you too can have your entire life make sense!"
Have we all become so horrible to one another? Have we all become such failures to ourselves? Everyone, running around wanting to be rescued... wanting everything to suddenly make sense... wanting what we think everyone else has. We look at one another and think, "I must be really sick. Look at them! They're fine! What am I missing here?", not understanding that everyone else feels that way too. Everyone has their "demons", they're just taught not to talk about them.
We find comfort in our Gods and/or Goddesses. They say to us, "Don't worry, I'm here." or "It's ok to express your hurt." or "I understand you completely, like no one else ever did."
Well he... seemed broken hearted...
Something within him
7:56 PM - 1/2/06
~Nerves
I'm supposed to raise my Lamictal dose tomorrow. I guess that means I'll officially be addicted to it... in my book, anyway. It's tempting not to. It hasn't done me any good, and the way I see it, it's 50-50 whether or not an increased dose will. All I know for sure is that it'll be hell coming off of it if I do. Risky.
I'm really tired. Been in ears ringing and headache land all day. Worrying about the potential trip down to Philly. I'm really scared about it, actually. As much as I want to be there, I'm just not doing well. I don't want to get worse there. I don't want to put people in the position of having to "take care of me". It's not an easy thing to do. I'm not at easy person to deal with when I get really sick. I fear that I'm just going to want to leave, and I won't be able to... or that I'll just snap and leave. It's not like it hasn't happened before.
Nessie's never been in Philly. I hope she knows how to behave herself. She's been known to beat up threatening cars.
~Just like the white winged dove
Stevie Nicks was in my dream. I don't remember the whole thing, but I remember her being in it. Now, "Edge of Seventeen" is stuck in my head on repeat. Not that I mind, really, but I wish my brainio would play more than about 30 seconds of it.
I'm not too sure what it is about Stevie Nicks. I've been a "fan" since I was about 12 or 13, I guess. Not that I didn't appreciate any Fleetwood Mac that I'd heard before then, but I suppose that when she started with her solo stuff, I was at just the right age to get starry eyed. Since then, she has stayed at the top of my "favorites" list of famous people.
I'm really not one to get "star struck". "Famous people" are just people. Either they're people with connections, or with really good luck. We turn them into Gods and Goddesses in our heads though. They can do no wrong. They become our phantom girlfriends or boyfriends, brothers or sisters, mothers or fathers, friends or relatives, husbands or wives. They fill in when the real people around us fall short of our expectations. I think that a lot of people use "God" for that purpose too.
There's a commercial on tv that they've been showing constantly. It's a commercial for some sort of Christian music CD. The footage they show in the commercial is filmed at some sort of concert where Christian "rock" bands are playing. The faces of the people in the audience are frightening. They gaze, either up at the stage or up at the ceiling, on the verge of tears, as they mouth the lyrics to the songs. I swear that the people who made the ad must be related to the ones who did the Sylvan learning center or the recent Army commercials. The spot of light in the people's eyes is put there so perfectly, and the light shines on them in just the right way. They rival the Save the Children ads, when it comes to blatant manipulation. "Buy this album! It'll make your life perfect! See what it does for them! You can all but pop wood! For just $20 or so, you too can have your entire life make sense!"
Have we all become so horrible to one another? Have we all become such failures to ourselves? Everyone, running around wanting to be rescued... wanting everything to suddenly make sense... wanting what we think everyone else has. We look at one another and think, "I must be really sick. Look at them! They're fine! What am I missing here?", not understanding that everyone else feels that way too. Everyone has their "demons", they're just taught not to talk about them.
We find comfort in our Gods and/or Goddesses. They say to us, "Don't worry, I'm here." or "It's ok to express your hurt." or "I understand you completely, like no one else ever did."
Well he... seemed broken hearted...
Something within him
7:56 PM - 1/2/06
~Nerves
I'm supposed to raise my Lamictal dose tomorrow. I guess that means I'll officially be addicted to it... in my book, anyway. It's tempting not to. It hasn't done me any good, and the way I see it, it's 50-50 whether or not an increased dose will. All I know for sure is that it'll be hell coming off of it if I do. Risky.
I'm really tired. Been in ears ringing and headache land all day. Worrying about the potential trip down to Philly. I'm really scared about it, actually. As much as I want to be there, I'm just not doing well. I don't want to get worse there. I don't want to put people in the position of having to "take care of me". It's not an easy thing to do. I'm not at easy person to deal with when I get really sick. I fear that I'm just going to want to leave, and I won't be able to... or that I'll just snap and leave. It's not like it hasn't happened before.
Nessie's never been in Philly. I hope she knows how to behave herself. She's been known to beat up threatening cars.
Sunday, January 1, 2006
January 1, 2006
12:41 AM - 1/1/06
~Welcome to 2006
I had a nice night with Bunny, Harold, and Nessie. Earlier I went out for lunch with RavensWings. Sushi. INCREDIBLE sushi. They were preparing for a heavy night, so all of it was VERY fresh.
Bunny watched the ball drop in Times Square, on TV, with me. Nessie watched too, leaned up against the wall.
The first thing I did was walk to the window and watch the snow fall. I WALKED to the window, and WATCHED the snow fall.
I'm grateful for my vision, and for my ability to walk.
I'm grateful that I have a roof over my head.
I'm grateful for my friends, and for my brother, and for my dad-unit, whom I speak with again, through e-mail.
I'm grateful for my Disability check.
I'm grateful that I have a full stomach, a burning cigarette, and an open beer.
I'm grateful that I have a computer to write on, and to communicate with others on.
I'm grateful for a lot of things... but mostly... and honestly... I'm grateful that I had the ability to make it through 2005.
11:52 AM - 1/1/06
~Ouch
Too many beers. 800 mg of Ibuprofen for a late night snack. Stomach pain woke me up.
I'm in such pain.... I can't even breathe right.
Happy New Year? Right now, the makers of Pepto must certainly think so.
Hopefully it'll be a year before I forget this morning, and drink so many beers all at once again.
Back to bed I go.
5:23 PM - 1/1/06
~VERY Cool
Look at that!!! Archive links, compliments of ~blog, that actually WORK!!!
WooHoo!!!!
Next, there will be 31 days in the months that actually have them!
(Hey, I can hope.)
10:45 PM - 1/1/06
~Your village called
If you don't plan on taking at least 3 minutes to read over my blog, don't leave comments which you feel are "advice". It makes me angry, and makes you look like a big fucking idiot.
(this entry edited for REALLY hostile content)
~Welcome to 2006
I had a nice night with Bunny, Harold, and Nessie. Earlier I went out for lunch with RavensWings. Sushi. INCREDIBLE sushi. They were preparing for a heavy night, so all of it was VERY fresh.
Bunny watched the ball drop in Times Square, on TV, with me. Nessie watched too, leaned up against the wall.
The first thing I did was walk to the window and watch the snow fall. I WALKED to the window, and WATCHED the snow fall.
I'm grateful for my vision, and for my ability to walk.
I'm grateful that I have a roof over my head.
I'm grateful for my friends, and for my brother, and for my dad-unit, whom I speak with again, through e-mail.
I'm grateful for my Disability check.
I'm grateful that I have a full stomach, a burning cigarette, and an open beer.
I'm grateful that I have a computer to write on, and to communicate with others on.
I'm grateful for a lot of things... but mostly... and honestly... I'm grateful that I had the ability to make it through 2005.
11:52 AM - 1/1/06
~Ouch
Too many beers. 800 mg of Ibuprofen for a late night snack. Stomach pain woke me up.
I'm in such pain.... I can't even breathe right.
Happy New Year? Right now, the makers of Pepto must certainly think so.
Hopefully it'll be a year before I forget this morning, and drink so many beers all at once again.
Back to bed I go.
5:23 PM - 1/1/06
~VERY Cool
Look at that!!! Archive links, compliments of ~blog, that actually WORK!!!
WooHoo!!!!
Next, there will be 31 days in the months that actually have them!
(Hey, I can hope.)
10:45 PM - 1/1/06
~Your village called
If you don't plan on taking at least 3 minutes to read over my blog, don't leave comments which you feel are "advice". It makes me angry, and makes you look like a big fucking idiot.
(this entry edited for REALLY hostile content)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
