Wednesday, November 28, 2001

(the internet and isolation)

I, personally, don't think that women are whores for liking sex... but I'm not so sure that's what this (what was said) is all about. I think that it's more about the feeling that many people have that they somehow aren't complete without a life companion. It doesn't really have anything to do with sex, actually.

Maybe I'm unique in that I draw a line between the two... that's highly possible, judging by what I read. There was a poll in which someone asked about which we'd rather have... love without sex or sex without love. I think I was in the minority there.

Sex is sex. I'm my own companion... and what I can't provide for myself, my friends do rather well. I'd rather have the sex. Sex is like tv. It's fun! I don't really need either one, but because I already have love (from myself and my friends), I'll opt for the sex. I don't have that every day. I love myself enough, and my friends love me. I have plenty of love, so I'd rather have the sex without the whole "mate" thing. Seems that most people want the love/ "mate" a lot more than the sex. That's where I think that "loving yourself" comes in. If you feel complete without a "mate", you don't need the love of a mate to feel complete. (In some parallel universe that makes sense.)


Actually, even what was written in the Thanksgiving thread was something that I had trouble understanding. Many people really do feel alone without a "mate", no matter who else is around them. That's not something I understand too well.

When people talk about "loving oneself", I don't think it's about not wanting sex. I think that it's about not needing the sex, or the committed person to have sex with, in order to feel whole.

Tuesday, November 27, 2001

my motto?

There's strength in aloneness.

Monday, November 26, 2001

just posting

My soul hurts.

I don't think that anyone understands what I'm saying, and I really don't expect anyone to, but...


My fucking SOUL HURTS!!!!

Saturday, November 24, 2001

Squaring The Circle (a swirl of black and white?)

nope.


It's not that.


I've long known that being "enlightened" leads to what others would call "insanity". ...and as for "wiser than I realize", I can guarantee you that nothing could be further from the truth. I border on being completely pompous about that. (I just tend to keep my mouth/fingers shut, which is what any "enlightened" person would do.)

I'm fine being labeled insane. (Well, most days I am.) I'm not fine with being unable to communicate.

Friday, November 23, 2001

(FROM BIRTH)

Allegedly there are certain signs and "marks of the beast" that let you know when a child is born differently. Any unusual signs or symptoms?

I was breech.
I have a birthmark/white patch on the left side of my head. It looks like a backwards "C" or the number 7.
My eyes are pretty unique.
From what I'm told, I've always had "ESP".

I remember being born. Does that count?

Thursday, November 22, 2001

What did I do?

I'm alone.

I'm making a turkey and stuffing for myself.

I cut my hair and did some laundry.

I talked to myself/selves for a while.


How can you say that you're alone when you're with your son? I'd think that would hurt his feelings a bit.

Wednesday, November 21, 2001

(Yes, to be more accurate...)

I've been legally insane for quite a while, and what other people would call insane for even longer.

There's a difference between that and feeling yourself going mad.

Squaring The Circle (points)

*shrugs*


I think that there are many points... but the main one is that I think that I'm going insane.



take it for what it's worth.

an old one

Sitting in the park. There's some sort of festival or something here today. I found a place to sit, but the park's pretty crowded. A lot of stands and booths and stuff. There's a guy playing guitar and singing. His voice reminds me of Kristen Hall's. He's taking a break now though. It's hot out, but at least out here in the shade there's some form of air. My apartment is pretty stuffy.

Want to smoke, but I'm sharing this bench with another person. I don't want to annoy her. What a strange world this is. I worry about a cigarette while trucks pass by less than 100 yards away from me. It's a hypocritical world.

Found myself thinking, on the way here, about people's past view of kids and Africans. Being that, in the past, African people were thought to be lower than human, why were there so many African-American "nannies"? Was it because people secretly trusted African-American women, or because they didn't really care about their kids? There were no child labor laws way back either. Perhaps seeing your children as things was the way back then. It's no wonder we are where we are.

There was once a trial, in the Christian church, to determine whether or not women had souls. (By one vote it was decided that they did.) Wonder what the view of children was. Did they get a trial; or was it not even a question?

This guy is doing all cover tunes. He's really not that great. Well, at least he has the guts to get up there.

So many people... Yesterday, most were in suits and stern faces. Today they're dressed "casual", pushing strollers or cruising for someone to create the need for a stroller with. To my left there's a stand where bottled water is being sold. Sad. In front of me, near the guitarist, is a flower stand. Profit from the earth. Sad. This is supposed to be a festival... a happy thing. Why then, am I feeling disgust? What am I missing? If people like this sort of thing, why isn't every day like this? I suppose that in order to sell the water and flowers, as opposed to giving them away, people must "work". They must pollute the other water so that bottled water is a NEED. They must pave the forest and fields, so that flowers are scarce. They must sell their souls to feel self-worth.

Wish this guy would stop singing out of his nose.

There are no squirrels here today. I guess they know better.

The guitar man is trying to cover an Indigo Girls song. This is painful to the ears.

To my far left is a rather large inflated Tyrannosaurus Rex. Perhaps one day, a large inflated Homo Sapiens Sapiens will grace the festival of the supreme cockroaches. Wonder if there'd be bottled water there too.

Got a bug bite. It's good to know that I'm useful in some way.

Wonder how long I can sit here. Need cold. Want somewhere cold to sleep. Want to feel healthy. Want to feel positive. So tired.

Why do people feel the need to torture themselves every day? They "work out", abusing their bodies until their muscles swell in agony. They work at jobs which they hate. They dress in clothes that are uncomfortable and walk in shoes not meant for any human's feet. Isn't torturing one's self daily unhealthy? Perhaps there's some sort of higher plan. Perhaps by manipulating people to torture themselves, someone else doesn't have to do it. Slaves that whip themselves. Wonder. Who's running this place anyway?

The bugs are starting to get to me, and I'm sweating. Guess I should go home, at least there, there's a fan. I think that it very well may be a lot less torturous than this "festival".


© 1997 (by JBW)

Tuesday, November 20, 2001

(TRYING to clarify)

The problem is that it's getting to be that I can't see white... I can't see black either... yet, I can see them both... it's all just swirling colors... nothing has definition... but that's the only thing that seems to have definition

nothing.

Monday, November 19, 2001

(They say...)

They say ignorance is bliss... I tend to agree... but then, I'm a miserable prick.

(clarifying) Squaring The Circle

Just a note on this (for now). The comment about the grey was a bit of a metaphor... I phrased it that way because of c.'s signature line.

Whether you see it as grey or as multicolored, it's the same point. The problem is my inability... or maybe it's my decreasing ability... to see things as black and white... as defined, like most of the world seems to be able to.

(about) The Pentagram

Even the pentagram tattooed on my wrist is neither upright nor inverted. Again, the reasons for this are many, but in so far as this context is concerned, it's because I think that, ideally, the pentagram should rotate... that people should move in life, not remain still... healthy or not. The more you strengthen one point, the heavier (or maybe lighter?) it gets, pulling up the next point to work on. I'm not sure that's the best way to describe what I mean, but the concept is that if you keep working, and you're balanced, you should keep moving.


If I'm being realistic about my own self right now, I'm not moving... and on top of that, the pentagram is inverted. I think I've been like this for about 4 years or so.

The point that is stuck in the ground, so to speak, is difficult to determine. I think that it's the Emotional part though. My poor emotional state is holding up the works. Depending on the day, I feel nothing, or too much.

Above that stuck Emotional point are the Physical and Mental points. My Physical health is pretty poor... on many levels, and some of the reason why it is so poor is because of the fact that my Mental capacity is compromised as well. It's not that I can't do things, it's that I can't do them right now, because of being held still by that Emotional point.

On top are the Intellectual and Spiritual points... but even those areas are sinking fast.

I don't really know what the solution is. Logic would say that if I strengthen the other four points, it might be enough to pull the emotional point out of the ground and get things rolling again... but I don't know if that's the way it works. I've tried, but that emotional point is still stuck.

...then, I guess if I knew the answer, I wouldn't be stuck in the first place.

Sunday, November 18, 2001

The Pentagram

The pentagram - or, five pointed star, has long been a symbol that I call my own. There are a number of reasons for this, many things that I feel it represents, but for now, I'll just go into one of them.

In life, I believe, there are five main levels of being... or 5 levels that a person should focus on to be, pretty much, the best they can be. (Sometimes I believe that there are only three, but it depends on the day you ask me. ) The pentagram, to me, represents those 5 levels. The levels are: Physical, Emotional, Mental, Intellectual, and Spiritual. How one chooses to live their life will determine which level points up or down, etc.


The Physical - good health, good shape, etc.
The Emotional - a good balance of sensitivity... not numb and not too oversensitive
The Mental - your talents, how well your brain and body interact, your personalitiy traits
The Intellectual - what you know, how much knowledge you have stored in your noggin
The Spiritual - your number and variety of experiences (soul age too, for those who believe in that) and how well in touch with and true to yourself you are

Saturday, November 17, 2001

Squaring The Circle

I'm not sure how many topics on labeling and definitions I've posted. I'm sure I've posted quite a few, but I've yet to settle my brain on the subject.

I guess that my main question/confusion is that...

If there is no such thing as a "universal definition" and a label is what the person who wears it says it is, then how can we communicate?

My suspicion there is that we can't. Life is a constant struggle to say what we think others want to hear in order to not offend them, yet also say what we mean.

Why is it that I can say a woman is a woman if she says she's a woman, yet in the next breath I say, "No, a Were is an evolved human."? Is it that I simply follow my own rule book? Follow my own raw nerves? Draw the line at... I'll respect your label as long as it doesn't cause one of mine to slide off?

I guess another question is, how can I convey who or what I am without either disrespecting someone or having to change my own label? If I refuse to call someone a "Vampire" because they do not fit my definition of a "Vampire", am I any better than someone who thinks all women have XX chromosomes?

I find myself feeling less and less able to communicate. The more I, by my own standards, evolve and become enlightened... the more I see things as they, by my own standards, truly are, the more I'm left unable to form sentences.

The more I see that there is no Black and White, the more the Grey eats away at my brain and makes me solidify my definition of the word "insane".

Saturday, November 10, 2001

(getting radicalized?)

FR... nice to see you getting radicalized, old buddy. if you ever feel inclined to become activist (as opposed to just rant-ivist), let me know... i have connections.

there *are* things one can do.



*chuckles* been there, done that... now I do it from behind my keyboard and in other little grassroots ways.


If you know a rich old lady or old man who wants to sponsor a poor boy through Med school, that's probably the direction I'm heading in.... but that's another topic.

Friday, November 9, 2001

(On my definitions.)

As for the "Transsexual" definition, I'm sure that it varies from person to person... but... I think that many transsexuals (by my definition) are first Transgendered, then Intersexed. To me, "Trans" means (literally) "to cross". The average person who calls themself a transsexual does not change sexes. She/he corrects documents. In many (if not most) cases, I see (for example) an MtF "trans" person as a woman who was mislabeled. By my (current) definition, a "Transsexual" is someone who was fine being a "B", but then decided to become a "C" because as they grew, they changed.


As for the Were/Vamp thing... For now, I use the word "evolved" to mean (in my book), evolved differently. I don't think that Weres and Vamps are superior to humans... just different. Humans, as a whole, evolved a specific way from primates. I think that maybe Weres and Vamps did too, but they evolved differently... perhaps they mutated from the rest of the humans, in a way... I'm not really sure... but, in all cases, the Weres and/or Vamps that I've met have lacked certain "human" traits but have other non-human ones.

I've yet to determine if Weres and Vamps evolved/mutated from humans or evolved/mutated from the common primate... but, for now, I like to think positive... that the human race is actually still evolving.

Thursday, November 8, 2001

(Why life sucks.) cont'd

I often have problems articulating the thoughts which race through my head.

This is the way I see things...

N.... you're N. Whether or not you have surgery, you'll always be N., to me. You're no more or less of a woman because of the parts you have. If you choose to have surgery because it will make you happy, then I'm all for it. I love you. I want you to be happy... but... BUT.... no matter what surgeries you do or don't have, you're a NORMAL, WONDERFUL, person, deserving of the utmost respect....no.... more than that... you're a NORMAL, WONDERFUL, WOMAN, deserving of the utmost respect.

People who don't fit into the stereotypes live a life of fear... so much so that many opt to change their body... to MUTILATE THEMSELVES! This should NOT be the case. If your parts feel wrong, by all means, change them... but you shouldn't HAVE to in order to live a life free of fear.

I know that the reality is that in order to live a life free of fear, you're almost FORCED to opt for surgery... I just wish that weren't the case.

If you do opt for that surgery (N., or anyone else reading this)... PLEASE... NEVER forget... NEVER shut up... NEVER forget what it's like to live in fear. People should NOT have to change their bodies in order to avoid being beat (or neglected) to death.

(Why life sucks.)

"Mutilated at birth" is what some intersexed people go through.

Most of my anger has to do with the non-acceptance of people who don't fall into the stereotypes.

By the definitions of many, N., you too are "Intersexed". The brain is an organ. You have aspects of both/all sexes right now.


Again, it's about seeing things as either black and white, or various colors and shades.

I'm glad that your life no longer sucks... I just hope that between now and your surgery, you don't get into a car wreck.


It's really fucking twisted that people who opt NOT to have surgery are treated the way they are... whether they label themselves Trans, Intersexed, Male, Female, or anything else. Surgery should NOT be required to be respected for who you are.

People are people. I don't give a rats ass what's in a person's pants. I don't even care what clothes a person wears or how much hair they have where. ALL people deserve to be respected as people, whether or not they conform to the stereotypes.

(disempower the doctors?)

I disagree... DON'T take the power away from the doctors... EDUCATE THEM! (and also, make it easier for poor, understanding, nice, open minded people to afford medical degrees!!! I know it's a generalization, but the rich are often WAY sheltered. We need more doctors who know what it's like to SUFFER!) I'm glad that some can choose things like (safer) birthing centers, but along with supporting the safer options, we also need to educate. Educating Police, Fire, and Rescue people is also something that is WAY needed. At this point, I'd rather slit my wrist than ever need any emergency assistance from any of them... and yes, I do carry a razor blade for the occasion.

(just my 4 cents)

Vampires

I feel the need to post at length about what I consider a "Vampire" to be... but I know that what I say will piss off A LOT of people.

I've given the subject quite a bit of thought, and I've held many opinions. As I grow, my opinions change. Where I stand now is not where I stood even a year ago.

I think that I've become quite the purist in my views... but it's only fair to allow people to wear the label of their choice. So, basically, if many of the people I've come across in the past few years are Vampires (both "Psi" and "Sang"), I'm not one.

*shrugs*

That's probably offensive enough, I won't go into all of the details.

Tuesday, November 6, 2001

110601

(9:39am - Book It!)

When it comes to matters of the spirit, it's one thing to write about about what you've learned, or a book offering guidance or opinions; it's another to write a book saying that what people need is a service which only YOU (or those like you) can provide.


(9:44am - Bravery)

What do people think courage and bravery are?
I think that bravery means being scared shitless, but doing it anyway.

Can anyone give examples?
An Iron Worker with a fear of heights?

How many people think they are brave?
I think that I might be. I'm afraid of everything, and I haven't killed myself yet.

Saturday, November 3, 2001

Don't proselytize.

I sort of see it like this... If I want to go to church, I know where to find one. If I want to read a bible, I know where to find one. If you continue to spit bible passages at me, I know where to find enough spit to grace you with in return.

(12:26pm or...)

Hand me a book, and I'll read it if I'm interested. Grab a bullhorn and read from it in front of my bedroom window and I'll beat the pulp out of you with it.