Fear

That's what got us into this mess. ...pretending ...playing it cool ...so afraid to scare the other away. Yes, and hiding ...my hiding that of myself which I thought might scare you, you hiding that of yourself which you thought might repulse me ...our hiding that of ourselves which we thought might cause us to judge one another... which might cause the other to reject us... to leave.

...but it was INSTANTANEOUS.

My carefully articulated expressed doubts were... LIES.

I felt your fear... your panic... and I SAID, "NO."

I DENIED IT!

I didn't want to lose you for any reason, and in my effort not to... I shot myself in the foot.

The pain shut me down.

I convinced myself that I was wrong, that I hadn't been lying.

It was all "too good to be true". I played "sour grapes" with myself. I quickly found another, one after the next, and continued my search for... you ...and there you were again, over and over, as usual... coming through others every chance you could, and scaring off or doing battle with many who even dared to want to get too close. I accepted that, even welcomed it, as it was as close as I could get to you. Even for a moment, I'd travel far, I'd empty my pockets, I'd flirt with death, I'd risk body, mind, and even spirit ...and then, just feed on what remained of them after you'd faded, like a good Vampire.


...but yes, I too would, and will, continue to walk-in like a good ghost. They don't know. They aren't that aware. When they see a tree, they only see a tree.

Now, because I truly must,
I beg you
to FORGIVE ME.