Today

I really hate this life. I really hate this country. I really hate humanity.

Do I hate myself?

No.

I feel sorry for myself.


I'm fucking trapped in a pit of shit.

making a plan

this is reality... proof to see....



Freedom has no fucking bounds, could've fooled me


proof to see....

some of us really WERE poor.

Others seek out others because...

What the fuck do you know?!? You weren't there!!!!

HOLLOW CORE.


empty skull


POSEUR.

12/22/02

Almost killed myself last night.

Next time, I'll try harder.

signature

Life is like a box of chocolates.

Unfortunately, I'm allergic to chocolate.

affirmations

The only thing more enjoyable than allowing myself to post what I truly feel and think is reading it the next day.

I crack myself up. I make myself think.

Cutter, I can really relate to you. You're a way cool person in my book, and definitely one in a million. May the new year bring you enough money to keep paying for your meds.

lucid

Had one of the most intense, lucid dreams of my life, this morning.

One of those dreams that stays with you.

One of those dreams that she or he, is in. I know you know the type. I can only guess you know the type. I can only guess that we all have them, and that we never speak of them for fear of others not understanding.

I guess it's not too important whether or not others have them. I have them.

It was just a while since I'd had one.

I feel better.

Thank you,

whoever you are.

not sleeping

I've had a "sleep disorder" forever, it seems.

I used to think that I slept like most people, but the more I asked around, the more I understood that I didn't.

I sleep like a cat (or a dog...etc.) I nap. If I say that I slept for 8 hours, that usually means 3 or 4 naps.

I used to think it was normal.


You know what happens when you don't sleep for 27 (or so) years?


YOU GET CRANKY!!!!!!

I'm full

of hate.

Today's thoughts

Looking for good people my own age is like looking for a needle in a haystack.

Most of my peers are complete assholes, sell-outs, or thoughtless idiots.

What the hell is it about this generation? Up close and personal, I find really intense people... but then they become stupid drones once the conversation is over.

The most accurate word I can think of to describe my generation?

Weak.


...not to mention "scarce".

To fight or not to fight.

Sometimes I think that the government feels that if we (the general public) get pissed off enough we'll need to be provided with an outlet. Being that most of us are pretty damn stupid and can't even admit that we're beings full of fear and serious fucking issues, we make good sheep. I think that the government, knowing this, thinks that when they start a war so that they can get more money, we'll use it as an outlet to express our rage.

I think I'm going to skip all that.

I know who I'm pissed at.

Tired of it

Every day my downstairs neighbors fight.

What the fuck is there to fight about at 6:30 in the morning?

Shut the fuck up and let the rest of us losers get some sleep!

Time Warp

Time does all sorts of funky things with me.

They say ("they" as in this that and the other person) that you should attempt to "live in the moment".

That's not always possible. Not for me, anyway.

How do I handle it? Depends on the day.

Sometimes it's good to look for messages. What is it about the past that is drawing you? What is your brain attempting to get you to focus on?

There's a line in a Peter Murphy song... "look for what seems out of place". I sort of live life that way. When things are in place, all is well... but inside, I know all is not well. So, I look for what seems out of place. Once I find it, I can focus on it.

If your past is screaming at you, listen to it. The more you attempt to get it to shut up, the louder it will scream. After all, it is you who is doing the screaming... and you're not the type to follow senseless orders, or shut up when you need to say something really important, are you?

Today's thoughts

Shaved my head today. It had grown in about an inch. I'm getting more and more lazy in my "old age".

I had an interesting thought while in the shower. Seems I always have interesting thoughts in the shower.

When did I get so scared?


I remember being a teenager. Scared of nothing. What the hell happened to me since then to make me so damn scared of everything?

I think that, inside, we're all exactly who we were at the age of 16. We spend our 20s trying to "do right" and "be adult". By the time we hit 30 or so, we figure out that we really did have all the answers at 16. Somewhere along the line we just forgot them.

I'll never be 16 again, but I'll be damned if I spend the rest of my life being afraid of the world.

Maybe in our 30's we learn how to undo our 20s.

(Beyond a fan)

(My comment, left on Ruin's website's guestbook:)

Friday 12/06/2002 8:39:03pm
Name: Cutter
Age: Old Skull
Where you live: trapped in the burbs
Favorite Ruin Song: Freedom Has No Bounds
Other bands that sound like Ruin: Well, if my soul was a band....
Comments:
There has never been a band that has had more (positive!) influence over me than Ruin. It wasn't just the words, or the music, or the band members, or the scene, or the time period. It was all of it.

Standing in the back of Abe's in late '84, getting my friend Mark to pierce my ear at the table where people paid their pennies... The music pounds and pounds, and as it pounds I stand taller and taller...

People trip over their too big boots... and laugh about chocolate donuts. There's Chuck, and Kyoko, and Karen... West Philly Hardcore... What is Hardcore? What do I know? It's 1984 and I'm only 15.

But, that was the night before I took my abused self away from the abuse.

Because someone told me..

Freedom Has No Bounds.


Thanks Ruin. Thanks for interpreting my language and providing me with the strength to cut my bonds... and for teaching me the meaning of the word "Hardcore".

bitchin'

damn meds aren't working

(most like?)

What famous people or person (try to keep it to 3 or less) do you feel that you are most like? Living or dead...regardless of age, sex, race, creed. Who do you tend to think you are most like?

Ozzy - drunk and intense, but a softy at heart
Henry Rollins - full of rage but able to laugh
Jim Morrison - no one really gets me

(damn)

I know it was a mistake, but now I'm completely scared to post.

Stupid me, putting my privacy in the hands of someone other than myself.

up (13) same shit different day

Got in about 2 or 3 hours total.


fun.

up (12)

Been up since 4 or so with a racing head spawned from intense dreams.


fun stuff.

trying to explain

I'm not doing well.

I'm not sure if everyone really understands what I'm up against here. All of this "urgency" has to do with the fact that I'm not getting any better, and that, in fact, I'm getting worse.

We all have our problems. I'm not trying to say that my problems are more important to take into consideration than anyone else's, and I'm not trying to make people worry or have people feel sorry for me.

I have a "disorder". I am not well. It is getting worse. I WANT to see you people before it becomes impossible for me to do so. At the rate things are going, it will be impossible to do so rather soon.

I'm not asking for sympathy. I'm not asking for advice. I'm not asking for help. All I'm asking is that you take me seriously.

I'm not just some guy with problems or that had a rough life or that isn't doing well lately.

I have a disorder. This disorder, whether you believe in things like multiple personalities or not, is killing me. No, I am not saying that figuratively.

I'm attempting to do this in order to see you people before I cannot.


Is there hope? A little, and I'm doing my best with working with my doc and therapist, but, again, things are NOT going well.


I don't know that this get together is possible, because of all of our "can't"s... but I at least want to try.

We lost Terri... and now, I'm next on the list. I'm doing EVERYTHING I can to move my place on that list a little lower, but I'm trying to be both realistic and honest here.


I don't know what I want you guys to say... or do...


I guess I just felt the need to be heard.

up (11)

this is bullshit.

104

the itsy bitsy spider
wants to weave its web on my elbow
i can see the little itsy bitsy
black tears
in its eyes

just as the itsy bitsy spider
sees the black tears
in mine.



© JBW 2002

(Reminder...)

Set Xanax dosage with doc
Give shrink's info to doc

up (10)

(4:39 AM)
this shit sucks.

(5:07 AM)
I'm purposely zonking myself.

I NEED sleep.

(The point of the board.)

This board is closed as a general conversation board. Please go to (The transfer board), that's where we've migrated to.


I've gathered people's archives together for their viewing. Some people have MANY archived posts, some have only a few. If you are one with many, your section will be open to you (but ONLY you). Feel free to use your section as an online journal for yourself, or as a way to get in touch with me. I completely SUCK at e-mail, so it might be quicker to reach me this way.

If you do not have a section and would like to view any archives I might have of yours (they'll be hiding in a section called "Assorted"), please e-mail me and I'll move them into the section called "Viewing" for a while and I'll fix it so that you (and ONLY YOU) can view them. That way you can save them if you desire to do so.

Thanks for all your time and effort that you put into (this board)... and that many of you are now putting into the new (transfer board).



-FR

up (9)

STILL up.


This is me taking another pill....

up (8)

yes, I'm still up.

523am102602

I don't even know how to write for myself anymore. A few years of posting online will do that, I guess.

Life is messy. True, life has always been pretty messy, but right now I'm more overwhelmed than usual. The "insomnia" is out of control. I'm backed up over a year with things I need to print out. I can't stop drinking.

Too much.

I found a new shrink. So far, so good, I guess. I've been trying to force myself to start walking. Because of a couple of years of non-activity, I've gained weight and shot my cholesterol through the roof. On my first walk I found the shrink's office. I also bumped into Cr. who was riding down the road on Km.'s bike. Km.'s a Veterinarian now. Pretty cool. Cr. is living in Texas, and just so happened to be in town on that day... and riding down the road I just happened to be forcing myself to walk on. I'm prone to thinking that sometimes when things are that coincidental, they're trying to tell you something, so, I made an appointment with the shrink when I got home. That was a few weeks ago.

I don't know that seeing a shrink will do me any more good than it ever did, but at this point, something has to give. I'm reaching the end of the downward spiral.


Part of me wants to trash all the writing. It's beyond an obsession. There are tens of thousands of pages... and for what? Why is it so damn important to save everything I write? Who am I trying to convince of what? Why is it that I feel the need to justify my torment... prove to someone that I truly am suffering and that I have a reason why I am?

The scores of binders are like weights on my back.

I've always wanted to be the kind of person who can live out of a backpack.

I tend to think that's because of not ever having a home that I stay in long enough. It's ok to have lots of things if you have somewhere to keep them.

I wish it was just the series of yellow journals... the now neglected series of yellow journals.

Maybe I should make that my plan... no more saving what is posted online. No more printing out e-mails, no more printing out IMs, no more printing out posts.


I need a beer.


Ok, have beer.


My stomach is pretty done. Anything stronger than light beer and I'm in some pretty serious pain. When I do puke, as rare as that is, it's usually bloody. Yes, I know that I'm an alcoholic, but I really can't think of any reason why not to be one. It's tough enough finding a reason to keep on living, let alone a reason to give up one of the few things I actually enjoy in life. The only valid reason is the cost. Odd how in 5 years rents have doubled and the people in government say that the cost of living has only increased about 8% I don't think that any of them are attempting to live off of $877 a month. Even cigarettes are through the roof. To buy a pack at the store, it's about $5. Long gone are the days when they were under a buck. Beer's about $20 a case. That'd be fine if I didn't go through a couple of cases a week. I guess that only the rich are entitled to have "habits".

I know me though. I'll be homeless before I quit smoking. Like I said, I'm not about to give up what little I have that makes life tolerable.

Other than beer and smokes, I have L. and A2 I manage to talk to L. about once a week or so. I've been forcing myself to walk to the grocery store (about 2.5 miles). My needing her to help me with that was really killing our relationship. I want to see L. when we want to see one another, not just when I need her help. A2, I talk to daily... sometimes for hours. I'm glad that I can do that. It's rare to have someone who actually listens to what you say, and who actually does care. I wish that we didn't live so far apart, but in a way, maybe it's for the best. Sometimes being too close to a person doesn't allow you to be as open. It's a control thing, I guess. I can only give so much of myself before I pull back.


I wish I were sleeping. It's 6AM. I can't do too much at 6AM. I, unlike the majority of my neighbors, don't like to make noise while others may be sleeping. It sucks that I'm most awake while others are sleeping, but I suppose that it makes sense. It's when I feel the most safe. I can relax a bit. The rest of the time I'm either tired or napping (I can't really call what I do "sleeping"). Run away, run away. Hide. Sleep disorders are fun.


I really need to decide what to do with this writing fiasco. I have so much to print out it's slowing this computer down. It's hours upon hours of work. Damn obsession.

I feel this overwhelming urge to "downsize"... to organize... clean up... purge... They say that when you feel like that it's because your head is cluttered... that because your head is cluttered, you try to organize that which is around you. Maybe there's some truth to that. All I know is that I feel completely overwhelmed.


Guess I'll watch tv.

up (4-7)

10/22/2002 06:05:00 AM

slept from about 12:30 'til 2AM. been up since then.



this sucks.

---

10/23/2002 05:17:00 AM

slept between 2 and 3.

saw a great show on sleep oddities though.

---

10/23/2002 11:51:00 AM

still up

---

10/25/2002 04:26:00 AM

this sucks

up (3)

Sleep just isn't happening.

up (2)

2 hours of sleep so far.

My stomach is pretty messed up.


Not fun.

(fighting with C.)

I vagueley remember talking with her, and I know that I talked to you afterwards, but it's blank until about an hour ago.


Supposedly it's one of those side effects of "therapy".

I can talk with you more about it on the phone if you want... but needless to say, I'm losing A LOT of time (blacking out).

up (1)

insomnia sucks.

It's official

We're closed.

(PLEASE read this)

Dear members,

I don't know that I can write a whole lot about what is going on with me lately, but a lot is going on. In short, my health no longer permits me to run the board.

I've asked J. to take over, and she has agreed.


I'll leave the posts where they are for a while, in case anyone wants to save anything or transfer anything over there.


When I can get myself (plural) together enough, I'll be posting over there and doing my best to help out J. when or if she needs the help.


So... basically, we're moving, and someone with a healthier noggin than mine is going to carry on. (Hopefully this will help me to get a little better.)


I thank all of you for everything you've put into this board and its members (myself included). I hope that we can just pick up where we're leaving off at the new location.


Sincerely,

Follows Ravens

Tonight...

Winter is coming. It's time to thin out and organize the pack.... and the herd.

(Age limitations?)

Relationship wise....what are your age limits?

depends on the type of relationship.... but, without a question... over 18. I don't do illegal.

(Reported MS-like symptoms from Nutrasweet?)

My first reaction to Nutrasweet was a mad dash to the bathroom, where I stayed for quite a while. I think that was when it first came onto the market, sometime in the 80's. Whatever the docs say, I know that it's bad for me. I haven't touched it since.

sorry

Things have not been going so well with me.

I apologize for not being more available to those who have been here for me.

(The transfer board)

I have an overwhelming urge to go under another name when I start posting there... even if I do post as FR occasionally.

I don't know... I guess that I'm just tired of carrying around the baggage.

(Chili recipes)

what do YOU think makes your chili best?

Ketchup.

(Here's an idea...)

Live each day as if it's THEIR last.

(What do you smell like?)

I find that what people eat, their pheromones, and their general health determines their scent. (Doesn't matter how many products you use to cover it up, if you're not healthy, I can smell it.)


As for my external factors....


I smell like an ashtray that has been washed in beer.


other smells:

Dove soap
Head & Shoulders shampoo
Old Spice deoderant
All "Free and Clear" laundry soap

running thread (cont'd)

LA

CERVEZA

MAS

FINA

Here's to you, Terri.

(Re: current private board stats - more)

In all honesty, the only count that is low is the post count, and that's just because I haven't been posting, and N. has been posting less. You two are posting about the same amount... with the exception of the few days after Terri died.


I don't worry about the views too much. It's the post count I concentrate on... keeping in mind the amount the 3 of us have posted.

The board has been "dead" for months. (For months it's been the 3 of us doing 75% of the posting.)

I really don't know how to resolve the problem.

running thread

Got up about 10.

Been working on the card.


Funny how someone who can't seem to shut up can suddenly be at a loss for words.

---

This must be what your family feels when they're in your apartment now.

It hurts just to be there and have you not be.

Terri (9/26/02)

It's raining. It's supposed to rain for a few days.

All that I keep wanting to post is "I miss you".

There are a lot of words... but my fingers don't want to type them.

I guess I'm feeling sorry for myself. I don't feel like I have any control over that though.

Still, I either "shut down" or I fall apart... and after I fall apart, I have to analyze why I'm still falling apart.


Today something occured to me... It's not just that it hurts so badly because I cared for you so much, it's that you cared for me.

I don't think that I really understood that until today.

I feel selfish.... and angry... and weak... and...


I miss you.

(Today... 092602)

I waited for L. this morning and afternoon, to go to the food store. Didn't get back until after 4, because she wasn't here until after 2.

I called A(2), and then had to lay down for a bit.

I still keep falling apart. I got a card today, which I'll do my best to send out tomorrow... but I'm having trouble with it. I feel bad for crying in A(2)'s ear all the time. Not that I think she minds, but I do. I hate feeling so unavailable to others.


The ER season premiere is on tonight.

I think it's a good tv night.

(The phone)

I do tend to talk a lot (online and off!), but having the right person to talk to... that's just lethal for the phone bill! If it weren't for the plan I have now, I'd be very unhappy. At least with this plan I can call Canada every now and again. I wish it were included in my bill though... then I could just live on the phone...

(Happy memories of Terri?)

"Happy".

No matter what I think of right now, it doesn't make me feel "happy".

"Happy" memories are painful... and so, not "happy" at all.


Maybe in time.

this morning

I woke up thinking about your family... and about the fact that I haven't been able to get a card... or figure out what to write.

I thought of sending some of your writing, but I don't know what to send. I don't know what you would have them read.

It's still fresh too... I don't know what they're in a place to handle. I don't know what I'm in a place to handle.

I want to do the right thing by you. I don't want to "dishonor" your memory. I don't know if you would have felt comfortable sharing a lot of what you wrote with your various family members.


Maybe I'll just give it some more time.

Maybe in time I'll know more what to do.

Re: The new format

I did most of it today and yesterday. Before that I could barely look at the screen. :(

Eventually we'll have to do the decorating. Maybe one room at a time?

today

Today was your funeral.

I thought of you a lot... as usual... and missed you.

I'm trying my best to push through, to keep the board going, to keep myself going.

I guess trying is the best anyone can do.

(DragonCon Countdown)

PhillyCon countdown: appprox 6 weeks?

Amount saved: $0


Probability of attending next year's DragonCon: approx 10%




poor sucks.

About the new format (PLEASE READ)

a few things:

The most important section on the board is "The Office". PLEASE make sure to stop in there whenever you come to the board, and read whatever is in the section that you haven't read already. Even if it's a message for another person, sometimes reading it will avoid us asking one another the same questions repeatedly. "The Office" is for quick messages from any of us, to any or all of us, and for things that are important for any or all of us to know about the board or events in our offline lives that will affect the board (being away for a while, for example).

The second most important is "The Hall Closet". If the poster doesn't know where to put it, it gets put in there. Suggestions as to where the topic should go are wanted, and as well, it's ok to put a topic in there, let it develop (through conversation), and then tell me later where you want it to go. I just don't want the closet to become overstuffed.

I did my best trying to figure out where things go, but if you feel that your topic better belongs in another section, let me know and I'll move it.

Don't stress too much about the sections. Yes, make an effort to put things where they fit, but if you miss the mark, don't panic. Moving a topic every now and again isn't that difficult. In time, topics change in nature and often fit better in other areas. If I move your topic, don't take it personal. It's just my attempts at keeping a clean house.

I'm going to put an open sticky topic in each section (except for "The Office", "The W.C.", "Mystic's Room" and "The Basement"). In this section, post a link to any thread that you want people to pay special attention to or that you want to have easy access to.


With Mystic's section, I'm making it a "No Reply" format. If you want to reply to anything in there, or talk about (or to) Mystic, please do... just start a new thread in the section. Right now, I can't think about doing anything other than leaving her section on the board. Not that I'm deifying her, or attempting to, I just feel way too much right now to do anything else.

I'm not posting rules. If there's a problem, I'll let you know. If there's a question, ask me.


thanks much

-FR

Re: Terri

I'm sorry that I couldn't provide the information on where to send flowers.

I think that if you're so inclined, and can afford to, a gift in Terri's honor to one of these organizations would be a good thing:

The Breast Cancer Fund
The American Cancer Society


Probably the place to give to would be:

The LDS Foundation

There was little in her life that she cared about more than this, and her Church helped Terri in more ways than I could ever list here.

Terri

I'm trying to get the board organized... reading through all these topics, trying to figure out what section they go in.

I keep seeing your posts... and I read them... and my heart hurts.

I know...

but...


I just miss you.

(Ii.)

I was with you yesterday (YAY!), but I still wanted to post a Happy Birthday to you on the board.

Love you, bro!

PLEASE STAND BY (some more)

I'm reading, but I'm not quite at the place where I feel that I can reply... especially without letting my feelings come out in inappropriate ways.

Hopefully, today I can at least get a little work done behind the scenes.

PLEASE STAND BY

I know, I don't have to explain or anything... but I just wanted you all to know that I do plan on getting things together.

I just need a little time.


Thanks for your patience.

fuct

hi

I'm completely suicidal, and I have no meds.




I have to do my best to go to sleep.


I called, but you were out.

I'll try you in the morning, but I REALLY have to try to go to sleep (sake beer, sake beer).

I love you.

for Terri

This is a poem that you wrote back in 2001. I figured that I'd post it. I hope you don't mind too much.

I also posted a picture of me and you, from last year's Dragon Con.

The smile was genuine.



Daisies, Lilacs and Lavender.

When I die, Please do this for me
Bathe me in lavender,
Dress me in a dress of daisies
and scatter lilacs about my body.

Do not mourn for me,
But celebrate new life.
Please plant a weeping willow
at the head of my grave.
For that is a tree that demands attention!

But do not weep for me!
Let the tree do this for you.

Please dance around my grave
at midnight,
and burn a candle or two.
Wish me well, as I do you.
For my time to say good bye has come.

Weep not for me for I'm at peace,
I'm watching over you.
I'll be there in your dreams at night,
My memory lives on in you.






p.s. - I know that you probably wrote the poem for someone specific, but I think that this is an ok place to post it... and that it probably applies all the way around anyway.

I love you.

just letting you know

I don't know how much I'll be online for a bit.

I'm pretty much a mess.


I'll do my best though.

Mystic (R.I.P.)

I'll always think of you, Terri.

Always did, always will.


Maybe you can see this... or me... somehow.


I hope where you are is a nice place. I'm sure I'll find out one day too.

Maybe I'll be really lucky and see you there.


I love you.

:(

Terri passed away about 5AM this morning.


I know that she would want everyone to know how much she cared for them... and she did know how much she was cared for.


have to go now

The new format

ok, this was my idea...

I want to set it up like a house.

First, there'll be "The front step". That will be where you post current events and news type stuff for people to read.

Then, you should go in to check the answering machine and message board in "The Office" for messages addressed to you. You can also leave messages there for other people.

The you might stop by "The Closet", if there's anything you need to put in there... (like topics you don't know where to place )

In "The living room" is where daily life, chatting, bitching, whining, moaning, celebrating, meeting people, greeting people, and discussion in general takes place.

You can go to "The kitchen" if you're hungy ( topics on food, diet, etc.), or "The library" if you want to do some reading or research on various topics.

There's a "Bathroom". You go there if you need to keep the door closed. (no reply), a "tv and game room" for quizes, online games, and for all things tv, movie and music related.

"The back yard" is there for talking about nature, animals, exercise, all the things we do, or see outside.

And at the end of a long day... there's "The Bedroom". There, we can discuss sex, sexuality, gender, etc.

Down in "The basement" are the archives.

---

(9 AM)

I actually had a garage in the first draft of the idea, but there were just so many sections that I had to compress them.

I figure that we can talk about things that go vrroom!!! in the back yard.

home

just going to watch tv

Just letting you all know

I heard from Mystic's family today. Things aren't good. The doc said about a week or so.


They have her in her Dragon-Con t-shirt. *little smile*


I'll let you know when and if...


(sorry so brief, but it's tough to know what to say)

Re: I'M DONE

(dad-unit), I was talking about you READING what was in your section. I posted a thread there days ago that you've yet to address.

NL., it's actually related. The way people feel about their sections and people not showing up or asking for the password, or whatever, is a lot like what I go through on the main board.

Here's an example...

What if c. had shown up that day in your section and no one even said hello to him when he arrived? Sure, it'd make c. feel a bit unwelcome, but even more, it would make you feel a little embarrassed because of the lack of manners of the people in your section. It's not that people should care about c. (they don't even know him yet), but they should care about YOU.

On a board of 40, when the same half dozen or so people keep replying to all the topics, it makes ME feel embarrassed, and it makes me feel bad for the poster.

This whole "You didn't ask me, so you don't care" and "You didn't invite me, so you don't care" thing is the same as what goes on, on the board itself. It's "You didn't reply to my topic, so you don't care" and "You didn't reply to my topic, so why should I reply to yours if you really don't care?"


Perhaps it is childish to need reassurance, but I think that many of us do. We're prone to thinking the worst when people are silent or when they don't show up at all. (Online and offline)

I've done my best, at this point, to eliminate all the people I really thought didn't care (again, with the exception of the newer members). How do I judge who cares? It's not post count, it's not how many days a week or hours per day, it's not how long you've kept (the board) in your favorites list.

I read EVERY POST, EVERY DAY. It's like reading a book. After a while, the characters solidify.... you can tell who is up to what and what they're feeling, to a certain degree.

Not that everyone can get along with everyone in the world... but this ISN'T the whole world. It's a group of people. If you're on the board and despise all but 2 members, I'd sooner have you leave. This isn't a drift on and off board, it's a board that is supposed to be comprised of people who all care for one another... A board that you want to come to as often as you want to see your friends and loved ones offline. As close to a "family" as this sort of thing can be.

I tried to whittle it down to those of us I felt actually saw this place, and one another, in that light.

Now it's up to us to decide where to put the furniture.

9/18/02

My inner child is wearing a straight jacket.

(How was my day? 4)

The ones that do care are the reason this board is still here.... but... it's NOT about people not caring about the board. It's about people not caring about EACH OTHER. There's a BIG difference.

The board is an online space. If it's the place I feel the most comfortable posting, then of course I care about it. To me though, if the only reason you're here is because you care about the board... make your own board. I'm not here to provide some sort of haven for bored people on the net.

When people don't post, or disappear, it should matter. If you see a friend being insulted, it should matter. If someone is having a tough time of life, it should matter.


...but, like I said, you can't force people to care.

I'M DONE

It's not just about more posts, or about posting every day, or every week, or anything like that.

What this is about is caring. To me, whether it's about being rude, constantly argumentitive, not showing up, not listening, or not noticing when there's a serious problem, it's all about apparent lack of caring.

I don't want a board where someone can suddenly disappear and no one notices. I don't want a board where someone is insulted and everyone keeps their mouth shut about about it. I don't want a board where I have to keep repeating myself over and over, and having to justify myself, or have to fear what I post being used against me.

What this is about, for the people who are currently members, is just me asking how you'd best like the board set up. Right now, I deleted the members whose apparent lack of caring was way over the top, but the ones who are still here are the ones I thought apparently cared (and a few newer members who haven't had the chance to really show anyone anything either way).

Speaking of caring...
(dad-unit), when is the last time you paid attention to your section? <---- annoyed at apparent lack of caring.

(How was my day? 3)

My day would be much better if I could just figure out an easy way to get people to care about others on (the) board.

Thing is, you can't force people to care. They either do or they don't.

At some point, I'll understand that.

Hineygoblin?!?!?!?

I've had ENOUGH.


I'm closing the board to lurkers and deleting a large number of users.


I've had it.

(just a dream)

Dreamt of being in a Navy training school... and war... many many planes in the sky.

Scary dream.

A reminder

I don't want to sound mean (meaner than I already seem), but I did want to stress the "community" aspect of (this private board/community), as opposed to having a bunch of little boards for people. All members should be posting in the open areas of the board. The private sections were meant as places to post more personal topics, not as mini-boards for people.

If you have a private section, please keep this in mind and encourage your "members" to post in the open sections. Members who do not post in the open areas are basically "lurking", and like it or not, I'll cop an attitude about it. (I've done so for the last 2 years, so I don't expect it to change anytime soon.)

(Favorite Toons?)

I really don't like cartoons, but If I had to choose a recent one to watch, I'd probably pick Spongebob... or Southpark.

I liked the old (first 2 seasons or so) Ren and Stimpy and Simpsons... but for some reason (maybe it was living with a toddler for a year and a half) the only time I purposely put on any cartoon is when I have company that wants to watch them.

ok, one exception... I think that I've watched half of an episode of Southpark in the past year.

(The frustration.)

In truth, it's not about them not understanding. When the posts were open (as opposed to having one general spot for comments) they didn't reply either.

(progress is...)

I was hoping that people might actually reply to my thread in my open topic. In truth, it's been tearing me apart that I'm in the process of peeling off what's left of my skin and no one has even blinked.

If you read my "progress report" it mentions the title of my book.

I thought that the name of the thread might make it obvious to people that I'm actually posting the contents of said book in my section.

The fact that no one has said anything has hurt me worse than anything previous on this board.


I'm not talking about you, J.... or you, RBW... but I am talking about EVERYONE else. I've spoken to RBW on the phone. I think that J., because she read the progress reports before and they did not include the title to the book, didn't make the connection.

No one else has an excuse... ESPECIALLY (dad-unit), who said that he would reply.



Just needed to get that off my chest.

(more on the 9/11 outburst - 3)

J., I do agree with you on a lot of what you said... but it's not the only reason I feel the way I do.

It's sort of like people who go to church on Christmas and consider themselves good Christians.

Last year, about this time, the lines were around the block with people wanting to donate blood, the rest of the year?

Last year, the rich rock musicians and actors actually thanked their fans with a free concert and saw them as equals (or better). The rest of the year?

People gave money, clothes, free food, and loads of thanks and support to people just doing their jobs. The rest of the year?


It's the hypocrisy that gets me. It's not that the positive things that went on last year and this year, on 9/11, should not have. It's that they should happen ALL THE TIME. They don't.

I guess I just prefer that people either go to church, or don't. Once a year only means that you're either feeling guilty, feeling scared, posturing, or going through the motions.

Re: On 9/11 - to those still suffering...

I guess some people didn't pick up on the bitterness and sarcasm here.


I wasn't saying that's how I felt.

I was trying to make the point that it's a cold thing to say... about ANYONE'S trauma, sorrow, or issue... even though many people do actually say those things about other people.

(more on the 9/11 outburst - 2)

It's not that I don't feel for the people who lost their loved ones, were injured, or who were traumatized by what happened. Too, it's not that I felt it was deserved.

I just wish that people (including the people in government) would have an open heart and a generous hand with other people, ALL other people and not just the ones with enough media coverage, 365 days a year.

(more on the 9/11 outburst)

Point is, until you're in someone else's shoes, you shouldn't say shit like that to people.

In other words, next time I have a traumatic event in my life, I'll make sure to call the media, have t-shirts printed up, and create online picture shows with sappy music. Maybe then I can get some understanding and not have to beg for assistance.

How many people die each day from AIDS?

Where's that Presidential speech? Where's the billion dollar a day budget for that?



I'm stopping here.


I guess that the main point is that (with very little exception) I find all of this 9/11 stuff fake, infuriating, hypocritical, and stomach turning.

On 9/11 - to those still suffering...

Get over it.

You just don't want to work.

What's wrong with you?

Stop living in the past!

You're paranoid!

What do you want me to do, support your lazy ass while you wake up and decide to be normal?

Life is a beautiful gift, why can't you just be happy?




Sounds pretty fucking cold, doesn't it?

(My trash?)

Paper, junk mail, cardboard, cans and metal, jars and glass, bags and plastic... whatever I can get away with throwing into the recycle bin, I do. I try to re-use things too. Most of what goes into my garbage is coffee filters, cigarette butts and empty packs, and napkins/papertowels. I don't make a lot of actual trash... if I used an empty cardboard case from a 30 pack of beer (cans), I'd have to dump it out about every 3 or 4 days.

Sept. 11

It will be on my mind all day. I can't help that. Even now, I'm placing myself...

...right now I'm still on that Amtrak train coming back from GA. My body hurts. I haven't slept. I'm talking to a woman from Israel who is on her way to DC to visit with a friend. We should be in DC by 9 or so.

Most of the people on the train are either getting off in DC or NYC. All the seats are taken. I keep mostly to the smoking area. I gave the window seat to the woman who was sitting next to me. I didn't want to bother her by getting up every 3 seconds to smoke. I regret that now. The only people who can get any sleep are the ones sitting next to the window, in sleeping cars, or the ones who are traveling with someone close to them.

In a few hours, you'll be able to tell who was stuck on the aisle. They'll be the ones with the bad attitudes who look on the verge of tears.

It's a very long trip.

(me)

me go now

me watch football

me go sleep

me no dream of ants

(Funniest T-shirt sayings?)

I have a shirt that on the front, has a guy drinking a bottle of Tequila.

On the back he's sitting with his pants around his ankles, and it says: Shit Happens.


(The more tequila you've drank in your life, the funnier this shirt actually is.)

(Dinner for two?)

I'd be into that dinner with J.!


If I had to pick a famous person, I think I'd go with Stevie Nicks.


If I really could pick anyone, I'd have to go with my High School girlfriend. It's a long story (that I don't want to get into here), but I've not been able to do so for about 12 years.

(The best day of my life?)

I think I'd have to say either 2/8/86 or 7/16/87. I'm not sure if I could pick one of the two.

(...has to do with my girlfriend at the time. I don't really want to go into it though. I just get depressed.)

(Comfort Food?)

Well.... other than sushi....

Grilled cheese
Grilled tuna & cheese
Macaroni & cheese
Cheddar Cheese soup



I like cheese.

(Sexuality before contact?)

I think that people can tell who they're attracted to, even if they don't act on that attraction. Too, being straight or gay or bi or pan doesn't only have to do with sex. It also has to do with romance, bonding, lifestyle, and all sorts of other non-sexual connections.


Another little curve ball... many people's sexuality changes. For example, some women start off "straight" and end up identifying as Lesbians later on in life.

I think that a person's sexuality is mutable. People change as they grow. Their thoughts change, their preferences change, their bodies change, and they rack up various experiences.

Mystic (3)

I called her last night, and spoke to her briefly. I promised that I'd pass on that she sends her best to everyone, and as well, told her that people were thinking of her and missing her.


I'm sorry to say that she's not doing well at all.

Please send her energy or prayers or thoughts if you can.

(Attractive/Attraction)

Quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A female might think another female is attractive..but may not BE sexually attracted to her...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You can say that about "straight" people too.

A MALE might think a female is attractive..but may not BE sexually attracted to her...

or

A FEMALE might think a male is attractive..but may not BE sexually attracted to him...

Just because you're bi doesn't mean you're attracted to EVERYONE. Same with being gay or straight.

The way I see it, being "pan"* simply means that a person's body parts do not dictate whether or not you are or can be romantically interested in them.


*I'd say "bi", but to me, "bi" implies TWO. I don't see sex and gender as polar. To me, a person who is "bi" is/can be sexually/romantically interested in people who qualify as either stereotypical human male or stereotypical human female.

Again, because most people don't understand what "pansexual" is, I'll use the "bi" label... but technically speaking, to me, it's not a perfect fit.

(Human sexuality.)

A large part of me thinks that EVERYONE is bi/pan. We're just socially programmed otherwise.


When you fall in love, it doesn't matter what parts a person has... or what label they choose. Love is love. Lust is lust. If the love of your life was in an accident, or had a disease, and lost a part of their anatomy that was "gender specific", would you leave them?


If they changed their sex would you?


In all honesty, if you said yes to either of these questions, you weren't in love in the first place.



just my opinion.

(ok, boys and girls... looking back)

Sometimes it helps me to read what I wrote in the past when my brain gets muddied... and sometimes it helps to remind myself of the way other people see things, so that I can keep in mind that not everyone sees things the way I do.

Sometimes I wonder if me being "out" as me, from PTD, to here, to anywhere else online, has made the slightest bit of difference in the big picture. I used to think that it might, but I often lose faith in that.

Sometimes being a stereotypical asshole looks much more appealing than being an open raw nerve.

(Re: current private board stats)

I wish people would actually read, rather than scanning for the latest dirt.


Just so you know, each view is any click that takes you to any place on the board. Even hitting your back button, submitting a post, or going from one forum to another will add a page view. As well, the way they determine how much to charge for the board is by the number of total page views minus the number of community supporter page views. Right now, the price is at $43. (Makes me dislike lurkers even more.)

(My sexuality?)

I'm "bi". (pansexual fits me better, but according to most people's definitions (most people never even heard of "pansexual") I'm bi.)

It's not a "choice", it's just who I am.

What I really want to post:

ok, A. You want me to treat you like a human? You want me to stop "doing what I'm doing"? I should just respond to you as I would anyone else who has acted towards me as you have acted over the the past year?

ok, how's this then...


you're an idiot.

you are now cordially invited to go fvck yourself.



There. Better?

What I posted, before the section disappeared:

Follows Ravens
Registered User
Posts: 25
(9/3/02 11:39:21 pm)
Re: Finished
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A., I'm treating you like a human being. Actually, I'm treating you better than a human being, I'm treating you like someone I give a damn about. I could easily have just called you an idiot and told you to go fvck yourself because I just couldn't agree with your perspective, your words, and your apparent lack of respect for me. Maybe I should have. It seems to be the acceptable way to handle things in the eyes of people I respect.

You need help, from someone who can help you. Whether it's meds, or therapy, or something else doesn't matter. Whatever it is that you're doing is driving away the people who care for you. If you think about it for a minute, and think about who it is who is talking to you here (me and CB), maybe you can realize that. It's NOT that we haven't been listening. It's that we have... listening, caring, loving, and accepting YOU for WHO YOU ARE. From ME... from someone who has been your friend for 3 years IN REAL LIFE. WHO YOU ARE is in trouble... YOU need help.... it's not that the people around you need to be more patient or loving or accepting. You have some of the best people around as friends. They're TRYING to tell you something... Not that you're a bad person... not that you need to apologize.... and not that you should shut up. They're trying to tell you that because they care about you they want you to get some help that they cannot provide because your words and actions are hurting them. They are... I AM... attempting to keep you as a friend.


(good thing I'm a saver)

(Is homosexuality hereditary?)

I don't think it's any more hereditary than being straight is. (Don't most gay people come from a long line of straight parents?)

Honestly, I think that sexuality is developed with the influence of many factors. Heredity can be one of those factors (Pheromone sensitivity may be inherited, for example), but it's not always the case.

Are you asking if we think there's a "Gay gene"? (My answer wouldn't change, by the way.)

(current private board stats)

Date - Page Views - Supporter Page Views - Posts

9/27/02 951 469 78
9/26/02 847 260 79
9/25/02 1098 398 73
9/24/02 1294 745 66
9/23/02 900 588 40
9/22/02 615 156 43
9/21/02 603 211 26
9/20/02 1241 664 96
9/19/02 1504 649 150
9/18/02 885 347 97
9/17/02 693 341 63
9/16/02 1246 607 89
9/15/02 1722 865 145
9/14/02 1045 705 82
9/13/02 1404 781 96
9/12/02 859 405 65
9/11/02 1463 1023 67
9/10/02 1241 549 119
9/9/02 1095 458 95
9/8/02 926 425 85
9/7/02 940 419 84
9/6/02 980 531 77
9/5/02 1592 617 162
9/4/02 1191 648 124
9/3/02 812 398 71
9/2/02 1566 587 179
9/1/02 736 309 79
8/31/02 404 101 47
8/30/02 885 355 65
8/29/02 1307 492 90
8/28/02 1651 695 124
8/27/02 1449 606 101
8/26/02 986 424 73
8/25/02 903 345 72
8/24/02 1063 430 70
8/23/02 1617 698 122
8/22/02 699 274 46
8/21/02 1251 535 98
8/20/02 1704 715 145
8/19/02 1616 774 139
8/18/02 902 309 72
8/17/02 546 190 41
8/16/02 581 183 30
8/15/02 1014 398 74
8/14/02 1247 386 92
8/13/02 1105 321 86
8/12/02 144 44 10
8/11/02 653 287 43
8/10/02 699 336 48
8/9/02 1012 494 49
8/8/02 1466 698 78
8/7/02 2921 1419 197
8/6/02 2732 1172 200
8/5/02 2478 890 174
8/4/02 2207 1449 104
8/3/02 872 496 30
8/2/02 648 305 42
8/1/02 885 489 54
7/31/02 905 516 42
7/30/02 625 247 35
7/29/02 946 407 61
7/28/02 1184 573 70
7/27/02 1192 657 71
7/26/02 664 324 24
7/25/02 1401 719 67
7/24/02 1826 1067 64
7/23/02 1426 635 83
7/22/02 1725 737 88
7/21/02 1499 868 87
7/20/02 1109 600 62
7/19/02 2149 1214 113
7/18/02 1926 1022 118
7/17/02 2105 1084 122
7/16/02 922 577 61
7/15/02 822 415 35
7/14/02 755 475 30
7/13/02 497 246 33
7/12/02 421 204 21
7/11/02 463 239 20
7/10/02 550 275 34
7/9/02 707 255 44
7/8/02 424 155 23
7/7/02 332 113 21
7/6/02 46 4 5


closed archs
Date - Page Views - Supporter Page Views - Posts
9/8/02 46 25 10
9/7/02 12 4 3
9/6/02 52 42 8
9/5/02 46 30 8
9/4/02 188 130 34
9/3/02 93 75 20
9/2/02 278 161 52
9/1/02 107 71 21

A(2)'s section
Date - Page Views - Supporter Page Views - Posts
9/8/02 39 14 9
9/7/02 32 19 6
9/6/02 31 14 4
9/5/02 27 19 3
9/4/02 21 11 5
9/3/02 52 25 11
9/2/02 47 13 10
9/1/02 73 22 14
8/30/02 79 35 11
8/29/02 111 40 15
8/28/02 151 64 19
8/27/02 47 23 3
8/26/02 45 26 6
8/24/02 66 36 8
8/23/02 99 60 17
8/22/02 58 24 9
8/21/02 11 4 2
8/20/02 50 33 7
8/19/02 51 28 6
8/18/02 48 16 6
8/18/02 10 0 2
8/16/02 6 0 1
8/15/02 21 13 3
8/11/02 18 9 3
8/11/02 4 3 0
8/9/02 24 7 4
8/8/02 94 59 6
8/7/02 125 51 12
8/6/02 215 119 28
8/5/02 89 55 6
8/4/02 358 320 46

Daily Averages: 55 26 8


J's section
Date - Page Views - Supporter Page Views - Posts
9/8/02 108 42 14
9/7/02 83 19 14
9/6/02 130 52 22
9/5/02 364 75 70
9/4/02 90 23 13
9/3/02 40 7 3
9/2/02 287 77 47
9/1/02 116 33 19
8/31/02 56 7 11
8/30/02 162 43 21
8/29/02 210 63 25
8/28/02 204 57 21
8/27/02 149 51 16
8/26/02 65 19 8
8/25/02 98 22 15
8/24/02 105 26 17
8/23/02 154 39 23
8/22/02 61 16 5
8/21/02 152 55 18
8/20/02 226 86 23
8/19/02 176 73 27
8/18/02 121 26 16
8/17/02 127 31 19
8/16/02 93 14 7
8/15/02 174 32 22
8/14/02 237 48 36
8/13/02 155 19 18
8/12/02 79 18 11
8/11/02 71 31 5
8/10/02 22 4 2
8/9/02 73 29 4
8/8/02 133 27 16
8/7/02 245 83 36
8/6/02 354 110 45
8/5/02 363 50 47
8/4/02 238 70 24
8/4/02 36 34 1

Daily Averages: 146 40 20

FR's section
Date - Page Views - Supporter Page Views - Posts
9/7/02 79 52 8
9/6/02 103 75 6
9/5/02 170 93 13
9/4/02 115 74 10
9/3/02 93 46 9
9/2/02 117 51 9
9/1/02 45 19 5
8/31/02 91 30 17
8/30/02 72 35 5
8/29/02 120 59 8
8/28/02 192 79 17
8/27/02 278 131 32
8/26/02 79 35 6
8/25/02 234 110 28
8/24/02 69 31 8
8/23/02 188 99 22
8/22/02 81 42 6
8/21/02 103 49 10
8/20/02 216 80 23
8/19/02 226 108 25
8/18/02 157 80 19
8/17/02 69 28 4
8/16/02 46 14 3
8/15/02 137 47 19
8/14/02 135 44 11
8/13/02 261 84 37
8/12/02 106 28 12
8/11/02 101 52 9
8/10/02 74 40 11
8/9/02 104 49 8
8/8/02 172 99 12
8/7/02 202 108 22
8/6/02 144 141 0
8/5/02 100 99 1

Daily Averages: 129 59 13

(hurting still)

Actually, I DO know what that means. It means...


too fucking bad.

Hi J & A(2) (III)

With L., when she says "go", it's time to go, or not go at all. The bed people (Sleepys) are supposed to call an hour ahead of time, but I don't know if that'll be of any help.

I guess I'll see.


I hate being dependent on L.

I hate being dependent on anyone.

(Truth is...)

Truth is, although I don't like admitting it, if it wasn't for the fact that I'm "Intersexed", I'd be locked up right now. It's abuse (past and potential) that keeps me from getting the help that I need... and actually, that also keeps me in line in so far as the law is concerned.

Hi J & A(2) (II)

I've got the headache from hell. Drank too much, I think.

I slept for a while, and I think that I managed to tape some stuff, but I can't vouch for the quality. I'll watch it in a bit.

Hi J & A(2) (I)

I watched "The Song Remains The Same", and now I'm watching "Godspell". AMC has continuous music movies on.

"Godspell" is eerie. Lot's of WTC shots in it. There were some in The Song Remains The Same, but somehow they weren't as eerie.

I wish I had some blank tapes. I really want to tape "Jesus Christ Superstar" and "A Star Is Born", and then there's a thing on from 6 - 8 narrated by Bowie. I guess that one day I can buy the first two, but I don't think that I could the Bowie thing. I'll use up 2 of my hours on taping that. The other 2 I'm saving for a couple episodes of ER that are coming up soon.

I hope that I can get in touch with L. soon. She's supposed to bring over my case of beer for me. Until she does, I'm left trying to stay awake.

It's cool that I'll get to watch some good movies, but I know that soon I'll be really tired, and I'll struggle trying to watch them.

(check in - part deux (b)

I've been so damn tired lately.

I get it!

I keep writing down lines while watching tv...

figure I'll keep them here.


Maybe it didn't happen to you, maybe it happened for you.

To treat everyone the same is to treat them unequally.

Forethought of grief makes us human.

Everything is yellow to the jaundiced eye.

(check in - part deux)

I'm not really here. I have to get back in bed.

-sorry if this comes off the wrong way.-

I love you guys, really I do... but no... none of you have been here.

I don't mean any disrespect... but me having problems with my head is just a little different, that's all.

The story (I guess.)

I guess that I'm really just a little too oversensitive for this internet thing.

...sort of like real life.

(conspiracy theories)

What I find with most "conspiracy theories" is comfort.

I see the world one way, the media and most people see it another. When I read someone's "conspiracy theory", I feel less alone.

(just a check in)

Not feeling too great today. Trying to get sleep. I'll be back posting as soon as I can sit up long enough.

(Paperclipdolls)

I never purposely? tried the scrapbook thing.... that's one of the things which caught me about this (paperclipdolls.com) page... I've spent a good portion of my life cutting out pictures. Even online, I'm graphics happy with saving stuff.

(pronoun troubles)

Back around '96 I/we were doing some intensive self-therapy, and we started cutting out pictures purposely? for that reason. Yes, the alters first attempt to show you what they look like... or, we attempt to show one another what we look like.

The project, as well as the intensive therapy, stopped when life got a little more crazy for me/us. The pics were saved though, in a box, not separated anymore.

After I/we read that page, shifted/switched and overwhelmed, I/we ended up on my library floor... making piles.

There were 22.

(To a Norwegian, about Americans.)

I just wanted to share a secret with you...


The majority of Americans are both pissed off and unrepresented.

Neither the media nor the people in government, nor the wealthy tourists, represent the majority of the people this country is populated by.


The President does not represent us. The President, put there by the real power, does not resemble us, protect us, or even give a rat's ass about us.

The real power is Bill Gates. The real power is AOL. The real power is Disney. The real power is MONEY...

and most Americans, whether people realize it or not, don't have much of it.


There are many nations in the world whose citizens are much happier than the majority of Americans.

Problem is, the rest of the world sees Bush, and Gates, and Eddie Murphy, and Britney Spears, and annoying rich people with nothing better to do with their money than go to another country and bitch about their cuisine.

Even online, people seem to forget that the majority of Americans they meet online are the ones lucky enough to have a computer.


People outside of America don't see the real America. The real America is teetering on the brink of revolution in many many areas. The real America is comprised of some REALLY pissed off people. Some are disabled, some are black, some are poor, some are gay, some are elderly, some are children, some are farmers with no land, some are women, some are even just average white guys that are tired of working themselves to death only to afford living in a crime infested neighborhood in a house with no value.


Bush is a puppet. We didn't elect him. He just had the richest puppeteers. Character doesn't win elections. Money does.


Don't judge us by our President... or our tv shows, or our movies, or our rock stars. WE are nothing like them. We're really just a bunch of frustrated people with a tattered piece of paper called "The Constitution" that doesn't seem to pay the rent, and a silly red white and blue flag that doesn't work well as a winter blanket.


p.s. - I know that you said that you don't hate Americans, and I believe you... but I just wanted to explain that Bush, although "elected" does not truly represent most of us.

(The President? Powerful?)

I really don't see the Pres as all that powerful. I see him as more of a puppet.

(Trazodone?) 2

...now, if they just come up with something for night terrors we'll be all set!


I try not to get my hopes up. I really have tried a lot of things. Meds don't usually work, and even if they do, they don't work for all of me. That's pretty common, from what I know though.

...still, it's worth a shot. Thanks again for the info.

...In the pants... (i)

Everyone has their problems, trans or not, but I think that with most trans or intersexed people there is a unique sort of exhaustion that comes with the territory. I think that it has something to do with a comfort zone... a desire to stop fearing for one's life and/or a desire to stop hauling the baggage with which one has already dealt with, but with which others keep forcing that one to carry.

(Trazodone?)

Well, I'm doing some thinking on my meds. Ativan is really expensive, and it doesn't work for me in the dosage that's "normal". There's also that "suicidal" crash from it. I'm supposed to take that for "panic" though, not for sleep. For sleep, nothing works that I've tried, but at least the Ativan knocks me out.

I don't know that Trazodone will work, but it's cheap enough to experiment with, so I might ask my doc about it.

getting in to see my doc is a whole 'nother story...

"Happiness"

cannot be imposed.

("Mr. Raw Nerve")

They don't call me "Mr. Raw Nerve" for nothin'!

The story (peanut butter)

I had a phone conversation with J., and it helped to open my eyes a little about what the actual problem is. See... I just couldn't get it. It's not that A. means to hurt people. It's not that she really forgets. Too, it's not only me that she affects this way... I just have a lot more sore spots than most. Tell A. you're allergic to peanuts, and she'll fix you a peanut butter sandwich. Why? Not because she doesn't know, or because she "forgot". She just thinks that because peanut butter tastes so good to HER, it will also taste good to you. It's the attitude of, it's not that you don't like being touched, it's just that you never had ME touch you.

A. doesn't get that when people say something, it's based on a lifetime of experience. Yes, she's just trying to "make people happy", but she's thinking that everyone is just like her... that everyone just needs to be "enlightened".

(on hating Bush)

I don't know whether or not I'd like Bush. I've never met him. Do I prefer him as my President? No. I wish he'd stay out of politics. I liked Clinton better. I liked Carter best.

There are good things about the US government, and bad things. A pretty accurate reflection of the people, I think. There are some good, some bad. Unfortunately though, bad people seem to be able to get to the "top"... because that's one of the things "bad" people do... sell their souls. It's the only way to get there.

(The story - a re-telling?)

it was not a "re-telling". The only re-telling was the part about what went down in the "rant" topic. (and technically, I never "told" what went down in that topic. It just went down.)

I never really posted about the other things.


As for it being a "drama". Maybe to some it is. To me, it's one of the few people that I let close to me in the last three years REALLY hurting me, and me having to finally walk away. That's not "drama". That's a part of my life which is rather serious to me. I let very few people get that close to me. What happened/is still happening with A. is why.

(on pollyannas)

Life is what you make of it(?!!?!)



I'd like to rip their balls off.


I'd like to twist their tubes into knots.

I'd like to blast noise into their skulls on 10.

I'd like to keep them awake forever...

I'd like to just WAKE THEM UP,



but I can't.


so I shut up...


and "pray" they get it.

(How was my day? 2)

Life feels like one l-o-n-g day.

(Easier said than done.)

Well... often, people don't understand why I do things.

I really don't like seeming unfair. I try really hard to be fair.

Sometimes when people don't know what's behind my actions, they jump to conclusions... they pass judgment on me... and I really hate that.

True, I should just let it go. If someone doesn't trust me enough to trust that I wouldn't do things for "no reason", what kind of a friend are they anyway? Right?

Easier said than done.

I do care that I may come off as "unjustifed".


Even with you, VI. I have nothing against you. You've never done me any harm... but... you're do damn "mysterious" that I get edgy. I mean... I let my soul hang out, and you post a lot of one liners. It makes me a little uncomfortable.

I guess that I'd feel better if I got the chance to know you a little better.

It's tough spilling your guts when a lot of people around you are only showing their noses.

(tick tick tick... BOOM!!!) The Story

I wrote this to post on CB's board, in case A.'s response to my "Please leave me alone" post was what I expected it to be. It was. A.'s doe eyed response poked at me even more... and so I feel the need to post this. I still don't think that it completely explains my problems with A.... but then, I'm not sure how to make it any simpler. She's just not all there. The lights are on, but no one is home.

I'm not going to post it on CB's board. I have no desire to hear one more "I'm sorry" or to have what is written here thrown in my face.

...but I need to post it. Maybe someone will read it and be able to extrapolate just what the problem is from what I've written. Maybe someone else can give me the easy sentence that I need in order to explain it.

whatever... I just need to post this.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In order to explain anything, I have to go back to the first Dragon Con.

When the first Dragon Con was being planned, A. and Jx decided to help get me there. I really didn't want to go, but I did like the idea of being able to meet some of the people I'd met online. I let both Jx and A. know my deal. I had problems with sharing rooms with other people. Because of my head, what staying with people amounts to is my not sleeping and being paranoid the whole time.

I agreed to sharing a room with A. Because I'd spent so much time explaining my "issues" to her, and she seemed to be listening to me, I thought that everything would be fine.

In the meanwhile, I met C. C. really wanted to come to Dragon Con, and I really wanted to meet C. offline. When I first "met" C., I didn't know she was married. Then, she filled me in telling me that she was, but that she and her husband were separated and he didn't live with her anymore. That story changed in about a week or two, when her husband came home from his latest military assignment or wherever he'd been. Despite that though, she said that she was planning on getting divorced, and that if our offline meeting was as intense as our online/phone relationship, she'd make him sign the papers as soon as she got home from the Con. (Yes, I should have seen that as a warning, but... live and learn)

A. and Jx decided to help me and C. out. Instead of paying for my convention ticket, they put that money towards C.'s bus ticket.

The room ended up being the "party" room. I was paranoid, yes, but I dealt ok. I stayed pretty plastered and enjoyed my time with C.

When I got home, the lies started/continued. C. put me through shit I can't even explain here. For support, I turned to A. She seemed to be there for me.

Things got worse and worse with C. Not only was there no divorce in sight, but there were so many lies that to this day I have no real idea what, if anything, was true. All I do know is that I spent 24 hours a day either waiting online for her, calling her, talking to her on the phone, or going insane. I sent her a plane ticket so that she could visit. It was never used. I ran up hundreds of dollars in phone bills. I deleted my posts at PTD so that her husband couldn't track me down.

(and here's where A. comes in)

I decided to construct a Dragon Con Webpage. Throughout everything that was going on with C., I told A. EVERYTHING. Most especially, I told her about making no reference to my relationship with C. online, because her husband was on the warpath.

A. sent me her "DragonCon" story.

I had to edit page after page of it. Why? Along with seemingly trivial things like not remembering what we did, ate, or people's hair colors, the whole damn thing was all about me being involved with C.!

ok... her memory isn't the greatest... there was a lot going on, yadda yadda yadda.

I blew it off.

I continued to attempt to see A. as a friend and as a source of support. Things only got worse with C. I was physically ill, emotionally drained, and... in the end... I lost my apartment. To say that I was a mess would be the understatement of the year.

Now forced to stay in the suburbs with a friend of mine, her husband (who seemed to hate me), her toddler, 3 cats, and a dog (with me having horrible allergies), in an 8'x8' room, without a car or the ability to drive... I finally broke. I told C. to get out of my life.

What did I get from A.?

"Oh... that's a shame. I really wish you guys would get back together."

WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?


ok... maybe A. just wasn't good at expressing herself... maybe she just fed into C.'s lies about the whole thing... I didn't know.

I let it slide.

Then, PTD blew up.

I asked CB and A. if they'd be interested in creating a board with me. Both of them were VERY interested.

Then, both of them vanished.

I know, life happens... so I plugged away, taking care of things myself. It wasn't an easy task, and no matter how many times I asked for help from them, I got none. The few times A. actually did show up, she had no clue as to what was going on. She didn't read. She went directly to CB's posts, read and replied to them, sometimes posted something herself, then disappeared again.

True, A. was in the middle of leaving her husband. She didn't have the time or energy to dedicate to the board. I understood that, but I guess I just hoped that when she did actually get a few minutes, she'd at least read some of the posts that were entitled "PLEASE READ" or "VERY IMPORTANT".

I blew it off.

Then, there was the idea of moving South.

A. wanted to move to Atlanta. I needed to move out. I need to live in a city. Made sense to me. We'd find a place in Atlanta and maybe it'd work for both of us.

I spent hours talking to A. about things. I HAD to. Because of my "disability", there are certain things people have to know about me if they're in a living situation with me.

Within a day of being at CB's with A. (we went there to go apartment/job hunting), I came to the conclusion that there was NO WAY I could move there.

A. didn't want to move to Atlanta. A. wanted to move to the suburbs. For me, it made no sense. I'd be leaving the only semblance of family I had, to live in an almost identical situation in a state I really can't stand. (No offense to Southerners, but us penguins don't like the heat!) I might have been able to do Atlanta. Atlanta is a city. A. didn't want to live in Atlanta. I had to decline.

When I came to that conclusion, I was a mess. I was immediately homesick, and because of the drive down and my car-phobia I was coming down off of my meds. I'm not a crier... but I was rather teary eyed while attempting to explain things to A.

What did A. do?

She came at me to hug me.

After post after post and hour after hour of telling A. things I'd told no one else, and thinking that she was listening when I said "never touch me", at one of my most vulnerable points I'd been at, this woman lunges at me.

I snapped at her.

I then had to comfort HER because I snapped at her.

So... I let it go.

When I left, after she assured me that she understood my reasons why I couldn't move, I was informed of a "dream" she had... That I had attacked her car. Gee A., why don't you tell me what you really think.

I let it go.

A. moves.


Still, A. is not posting.

I miss A.

My friend's husband seems to hate me. We do not speak. I ask him for nothing. I hide in my room. I stay out of his way.

I ask him if it'd be ok to give his old computer to A.

He agrees.

Yay! A. will have a computer.

A. comes up to visit her family in New Jersey. She is going to pick up the computer and my old monitor, and ship them to her new job in GA.

A. shows up with tape, boxes, and more than enough money to ship the computer, leaving it with me (who can barely get to the foodstore without creating tension with my roomates) to send.

I was pissed.

I let it go.


After a few weeks, I finally get my friend to agree to take me to ship the boxes. The boxes do not fit in the car.

I have to ask her husband.

It gets done, but arrives with damage to the monitor.

CB manages to get it running.

CB then thanks me for their computer.


ummmmm.


A.?


I let it go.

A. still rarely shows up to post.


It's time for Dragon Con! YAY!

I learned my lesson the previous year. I do not want the party room. I cannot deal with people. I need an escape room. RBW needs an escape room too. We decide to share. I decide that it might be nice to help someone else out, since the previous year Jx and A. helped me out. NL. decides that she'd be into it. We all agree that after the last party, this time around it'll be invitation only. Things should go fine. If not, I always have a place where I can catch my breath if I need to get away from the crowd.

Over and over and over and over and over again, I was CRYSTAL clear about two things.

1. DO NOT TAKE MY PICTURE WITHOUT WARNING ME FIRST.
2. DO NOT TELL ANYONE WHERE OUR ROOM IS. DO NOT BRING ANYONE TO OUR ROOM. PRETEND THAT YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW THAT WE HAVE A ROOM.

By the time Dragon Con was over and I'd spent some time at CB's, I was so close to killing A. I can't even put it into words... and for those of you who think that I might mean that figuratively, that's not the case. I mean that VERY literally.

(During the actual Con) She'd made a big stink to the entire party because I needed a break, making me look like shit to everyone there.

That sorted out, A. just continues to be A. Whether it's because she's tired, has ADD, or anything else, it was obvious that no matter what I attempted to say to her, it was like talking to a wall.

By the end of that (first) weekend, I was such a mess that anyone who knew me could tell that I was about ready to blow.

We'd just come back from dinner. At dinner, I was so infuriated that I actually had to get up and leave the table because I was about to start throwing things. I think that if it weren't for RBW, I would have.

CB followed me to the bar. I tried talking with him. I couldn't even deal with NL. My last nerve was completely raw.


After dinner, I just needed to chill out.

Somehow, our room was full.

A. then went downstairs while I was attempting to hide out on our balcony talking with Spaw.

RBW, before taking NL. downstairs to get away from the impending explosion, informed me that A. had just gone downstairs to bring up candles and alcohol so that "we" could have a party.

I really don't remember what I said... but they left pretty quickly.

I tried to pull myself together. I really did. I turned on the TV, drank, talked to Spaw.

It wasn't working.

No sooner than I'd said "If she brings Bdude in here I'm going to completely lose it", Bdude walks into the room.

Then, A. walks into the room... with three more people in tow.

With every last bit of composure I had, I asked A., "What are you doing?".

Most of what happened after that is a blur. I took my meds. A. left, taking everyone with her. She then called up to the room in tears. I was mad at her because, as usual, she fucks up and I'm left having to apologize for hurting HER feelings. She then proceeds, still in tears, to go find everyone else.

I look REALLY good now.


I didn't let it go.

When we were, once again, back at the CB's, I pulled her aside and told her that I was concerned about her. That she seemed not to hear/remember anything I said... that maybe her ADD was getting worse.

She said that she had been tired.

The end of the trip, and the end of my trust in A. was while getting NL. to her plane.

Not only did A. keep wandering off looking at the art work in the airport, completely oblivious to just about everything and everyone else around her to the point of us nearly losing her in the place, when she wasn't doing that, what was she doing?

Repeatedly taking my picture.


We went out to eat. I did appreciate the two of them treating me to dinner. It was very kind of them. Did it cancel out everything else? No... but I still thought that it was a nice gesture... and that was, at least, something.


I made my train, barely.



In truth, I've NEVER been so happy to be away from someone as I was on September 10th.

I had A LOT of thinking, and posting to do to attempt to salvage anything with A.


but then came September 11th.


Things on the board went from bad to worse. A. was still never there. Even when I finally closed the board, A. had NO CLUE why I'd closed it. She showed up at (my newly opened public board) COMPLETELY oblivious and didn't bother reading what the board was there for. I create a board to clear up the bullshit, and she shows up posting a "Happy Winter Solstice" thread, as if it's just (my private board/community) II and I'm attempting to start another board for people to chat on.

A. either doesn't read or does not retain anything she does read. I call her on that, and of course, what happens? It gets turned around on me again. Bad Bad FR. Your words are so hurtful.

Not much is resolved on that board. I close it.

I let it go.

I soon reopen (my private board/community).


A. does the same damn thing. She doesn't read. She doesn't bother to see how her posts are affecting people. The main reason she's there seems to be because CB is.

I post a topic wanting to talk about how time seems to cloud things... about how even though last year's Dragon Con was completely awful for me, I actually wanted to go again this year.

What did A. post?

"Ahhh ---I, too, was trying to avoid the "Let's get together for Dragon Con" post--prefering to let someone wade into the doodoo instead.

But now that it was brought up, there were several unfortunate, out-of-control things that went on...magnified because of stress, illnesses, and the general chaos of the place. In fact it was "Dragon Con Part 2" (and often in trying to live up to expectations of 'Part 1" the sequel turns out WORSE--and in many ways it did
It was "Dragon Con on Steroids!"

After the dust had cleared, I've come to some conclusions:

I did my best.
I am not responsible for people's feelings. They are.
I am not the bad guy.

Could we ever have another Dragon Con get together--and have it be a positive experience? Yes, we can--now that we've seen the worst and best aspects of the idea.

Reality replacing false expectations is always good.
Meeting on a personal basis isn't a bad idea either."


I completely snapped.


As a note here, I don't care whether or not CB (as he said) "set A. up". It was for A. to listen to ME, not to CB, if she wanted to hear what I had to say. If she wanted to know how I felt, all she had to do was turn on the computer. She didn't. For years, all she had to do was turn on the computer and read. She didn't. No matter how much I begged her to. Not even after sending her a computer. She STILL could not manage to read. How many times did I say that I didn't need an apology, that I just needed her to STOP doing what she was doing? She completely wrecks me with a post, then waltzes in, and posts some crack-fairy ritual to inform me that SHE's ok with everything?.. that because she says so, I'm supposed to be all fine and dandy with everything?

If she wanted to "drop it" she could have. She could have walked away. She could have just said, "we can't resolve this. I need to stop trying". She didn't... she kept poking and poking and doing everything in her power to prove to everyone who read that thread just how awfully she was being treated... and how caring and forgiving she was... and how I didn't hear HER.


It was, for me, days without sleep. I was a wreck. There was NOTHING I could post that would make me look any less like the "bad guy". It was "evil FR", and poor cornered A. Even when people said their piece, it wasn't their piece... it was just them "sticking up for me".

I finally asked an offline friend for advice, and she pointed out to me that in not banning A. immediately after she posted what she did about RBW (I'm not your home life... yadda yadda yadda), that I was not only insulting RBW, but sending out the message to people that none of my rules have to be followed. Up to that point, the words were angry, what A. posted was COMPLETELY below the belt.

I posted this apology to RBW:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Follows Ravens
Board Meister
Posts: 3485
(7/2/02 8:41:25 pm)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My apologies to you, RBW. Please forgive me. I wasn't thinking straight, and forgot that I was responsible for running (this board), and making people adhere to the rules. I was so busy trying to convince everyone else that I was in the right, that I forgot that not only don't I have to, but that my time was better spent on other, more pressing, issues.

I care for you a great deal, and my ego got in the way of doing the right thing. I apologize, and hope that in the future I do not repeat this act. If I do, please feel free to call me on it. Sometimes I just need someone to remind me that I'm supposed to be "the bad guy".


Very Sincerely,

-FR
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


I banned A.


I, after A. continued to e-mail me and insult me, told her exactly why she was banned in detail, attempting to clarify it for her. I asked her to not contact me any further on the issue.

She continued to e-mail me, and continued to insult me.

I finally told her, a little more angrily, to PLEASE "Drop it" ...that I was reopening the board and that she was free to post in the general areas, or anywhere else she was invited, as long as she got another user name. (It was only fair to restart her post count.) I told her that I could not be friends with her because she was "dangerous" to me... that I was done attempting to explain things to her.

She agreed to "drop it".

Then, I get here and see all this crap. To her, they're little jokes. To me, they're her poking and poking and poking until I blow up, and again make myself out to be that bad guy, and her out to be all sweet and innocent.

Yeah, A. It was all about your ex. It had nothing to do with about a month's worth of me and a few others saying "A. just doesn't get it". I'm really not as THINK as you DUMB I am.


so... other than "A., you just don't get it.", what the hell am I supposed to say?

I'm DONE letting things go. I'm DONE trying.

...and most of all... I'm DONE attempting to explain myself to everyone because of her not getting it.


I trusted A., and whether or not she did it intentionally, she trampled all over that trust. I CANNOT continue to put myself in that position.

(tick tick tick the explanation tick tick tick)

I have a sleep disorder, and there's little that works. I've been like this since about the age of 6 or 7. The only thing that will put me out for more than 5 hours is anesthesia... and even that is pretty messy. 3 - 5 hours? Mixing certain drugs with alcohol can do that. If sleep equals being asleep for more than 5 hours at a time... I haven't slept since about 1975. (I guess that might explain my grouchiness.)

Even at my "healthiest" I only sleep in 90 minute stretches... 3 hours max... but I roll over and go back to sleep. My 5 hours the other night was, basically, about 6 or 7 naps.

When things get bad like this (and it's been happening a lot lately) I go for days on what most people get in a night. I wouldn't mind so much if I didn't feel so sick because of it.

tick tick tick (X)

Still having insomnia problems.

The worst thing about it is that my brain simply isn't working.

tick tick tick (IX)

I got about 5 hours total (in the last 24). MUCH better than (the recently usual total of about) 2. At least I can see again!

(Separation by Sex....) 2

I think that if it were up to the majority of parents, the gay kids should be locked up and kept away from their children.

(School Uniforms?)

I'd have to go with no on the uniform issue. Among other reasons, it's not an accurate reflection of the "real world". Instead of taking away people's individuality, I think it'd be better to just spend more time teaching children to respect one another despite their parent's social status.

tick tick tick (VIII)

As you can see, the sleep idea isn't going very well.


...I've tried just about everything. It's just my brain... nothing works when it gets like this. Even when things are "normal" for me, I don't sleep more than a couple hours at a time... it's just that normally I can roll over and fall back to sleep.

Like I said, sleep disorder.

tick tick tick (VII)

ok, that's it. It's been days now.

I'm NOT coming back in here until I get more than 2 hours sleep, I don't care how long I have to stare at my ceiling!!!!




(Hopefully I'll see y'all tomorrow... and hopefully I'll be able to actually see the screen! )

(Separation by Sex....)

As much as I understand the appeal of a single sexed school, I'll never promote the idea. It's discriminatory.

tick tick tick (VI)

it could happen...

About my "disability" (commenting further)

All of us do not have an interest in the online thing. (Some of us can't even read)

The ones that do have an interest work together. As I said, seeming consistent is rather important. (job #1 is protecting the system, and inconsistency results in hospitalization and loss of friends and family)

Those of us who are too extremely different from the bunch of us that do post here occasionally slip out. That's why you'll see a lot of my posts edited, or disappear altogether.

...that's also why I seem to be on 24 hours a day. Just checking up after myself is a pretty time consuming task.

tick tick tick (I-V)

(1:33am)

Time for me to go to bed
Took a pill to stop my head




Here's hopin' for some shut-eye.

---

2:31am

...any minute now...

---

3:36am

this sucks

---

7:56am

good morning.

---

11:55am

Eventually I'll just pass out cold.

About my "disability" (commenting)

I tried to talk about it more when I first opened the board... but I got yelled at... so I dropped it. I didn't want to upset people, or bother them with my shit. At least I have some backup with the sex and gender stuff.

About my "disability" 3

Some of us hear voices, etc. like thoughts, some of us actually "hear" voices, etc. Some of us hear nothing.

We are a WE. No one is more important than the other.

It's a democracy, not a monarchy. Attempting to make it such causes revolution. The spokesperson for the system varies with the situation. Our strengths and weaknesses vary. Often though, it is the case that we compete for "center stage". As a general rule, when someone wants to take center stage, they are allowed to. Pulling someone off stage results in the person who did the pulling being tossed into the orchestra pit.

I often describe it as (like) riding in a car. Sometimes you're the driver, sometimes the navigator, sometimes the passenger. When it's someone else's turn to drive and you won't give up the wheel, you get thrown in the trunk. We have to share the car. There's only one.

If you're in the trunk, you can't see where the others are going. You lose sense of time/black out.

Because we've spent so long working on this, black outs are a lot more rare than they used to be... but it still does not allow me/us to live a very "productive" life. Holding down a job requires holding some sort of schedule. A schedule requires telling someone else that they can't have the wheel. It's only a matter of time before you get tossed into the trunk.

Having about 1/18th of the time that most do in life, it's pretty difficult to keep up.

About my "disability" 2

(Depending on when you ask me, of course) I don't know that I really believe in "integration". If you're multiple, you're multiple. You just learn how to live with yourselves.

I view this (again, depending on when you ask me, of course) as a spiritual thing. There's one body that is home to many spirits. Could we combine and become one spirit? Maybe, but I don't know that we'd want to. Some of us really don't even get along too well. We have a common "job" right now, but I think that we all value our seperate "identities". It's interesting to think that maybe I'll be reincarnated as my own best friend or worst enemy in the next life... puts a whole new slant on the way one can view the world. I may have been you in a past life. You may be me in the next. We may become an "us". Sort of helps in that whole "attempting to care about other people" thing... promotes the notion that "we're all in this together".

Could you imagine being "trapped" in a body with your own worst enemy? Now there's a challenge. It makes sense though. What better way to spiritually grow?

About my "disability"

Learning to live with a mental disability (to me) seems more difficult because of the stigma and the "invisibility". With a physical disability, it's often rather apparent. With a mental disability, it's often invisible... and rather than people understanding you, they either fear you or accuse you of just being a "bad person".

I was first diagnosed in (I think it was) '94. As with most people with DID, it's difficult to diagnose and I was first diagnosed as having a number of other mental illnesses. It's pretty tricky... depending on which "alter" is in the front at the time of being assesed, a person can seem 100% ok, and then another day they have OCD, then the next they have major depression, then Borderline Personality disorder, and on and on.

I came to the realization that I might have MPD when I met someone else who was and spent some time talking with her. We had a mutual friend, and she introduced us, because she suspected that I had MPD as well. Once I went to a professional who knew what MPD was, it took all of a few minutes for me to receive the glorious label. Actually, once I realized what MPD was, it enabled me to actually make a lot more sense of my behaviors and problems. (Black outs, "forgetting" things, being accused of constantly contradicting myself, varying accents, changes in stature and appearance, vanishing health problems, varying blood types, getting lost, etc.)

I've spent the last 8 years or so attempting to figure out how to live with my "disability". It's not been easy. I spent some time hospitalized. I lost many family members to fear. It's been a bumpy road. It's still a bumpy road.

I don't know if I'll ever be able to "function", but I keep trying to. The stigma alone, however, has held me back quite a bit... and no one wants to be around a contradictory person who loves you one minute, and the next has no clue who you are. It's tough to ask for patience or understanding, or even help. I can't offer guarantees... but yet often I do. I'll seem just fine one minute, and the next I'm a shitting myself mess.

I've spent the last years attempting to seem more consistent... to get my "system" to function as more of a democracy... but still, the second I think things are going fine, everything falls apart. One of us wants school, the other wants drugs. One of us falls in love, the other uses people like most use paper towels. One of us has a disgustingly high IQ, the other can't spell IQ.

There are very few people who can stick around me long enough to be called a source of "support". It takes the patience of a saint and the understanding of a "soul mate". That's a lot to ask for in a person.

As for the genders/sexes of "us"... there are some men, some women, some neither/both/all. Some aren't even human. My democratic default... "I" am an Intersexed, Transsexual guy. We can all get by with that, even if we're not all accurately represented by it.

When I/we first came online, I/we tried to explain to people that the best thing to do would be to keep in mind that there were many of us using the same screen name... and that sometimes "I" meant "we"... but people seem to have trouble relating to me/us that way.

After 3 years or so, it's easier to just let people think "I'm" an asshole or that "I'm" sick. It's all most people will ever be able to understand. "Multiplicity" is just too broad a concept for most people to grasp.


Hope that explains a little... and that it didn't come off as being too bitter.

(Back to school?) V

Well that seems wrong...that you can qualify for assistance to go to a school but not to get an education (via the net or home study)...it seems a bit inflexible. I wonder if you could appeal to them about this seeming "Catch 22" situation.

I'm sure that it's possible that I could... but... the reality is, if I cannot function in a social environment to learn, I cannot work in that field.

It's about proving myself.

(Back to school?) IV

What about work from home type programs where you work at your own pace? Would you be able to get some of the credits out of the way that way? There are also some online courses offered in some nursing courses.

I can't afford them.

Offline, there are places that will help me pay for schooling. Online, it's all on me.

The best I can do right now is what I'm doing. I read as much as I can, so when I actually do end up in school, the classes will seem easier and my grades might be higher than if I went in blind.

(Back to school?) III

...what about going through as a chiroprator or physio therapist? They're like doctors but without the intensive education.

I want the education.

Too though, neither occupation would allow me to do what I really want to do. Either I want to go into General Practice, Emergency Medicine, or Gyn.

The point of wanting to get a degree in medicine is to be able to 1. Serve the gender/sexual minority community (in the medical trenches) and 2. Change the current system which is abusive to us. (The point of studying medicine is because I'm interested in it, and I already do that. I just need letters and degrees to practice.)

I'm considering just taking the year or two and being an LPN, because I could actually serve the community that way, and the pay is ok. If I can do it, I can continue in school while working... but that all depends on what I'm capable of down the road.

All of this is completely dependent on what sort of support I get, and how well my head holds up. I often hit good patches, only to become completey non-functional after a matter of months. It's all in this fun "disability" I have.

(Back to school?) II

FR what would you like to take?

I'm interested in medicine (always have been... that and music, but music doesn't pay too well)... I just don't have the money to get through 10 years of med school. Nursing might be an option sometime soon. It depends on a lot of other things in my life though.

(What's up with me today?)

My mother came to visit... first time in about 5 years or so. (Long story)


I really need a nap now.

(Back to school?) I

I'd like to go back to school one day. I'm trying really hard right now to work towards that happening... but it's a bit of an uphill battle.

Maybe next year?

Yes, I'm addicted.

Daily usage details


Hours used each day for the billing period from 07/05/02 through 08/04/02 (hh:mm:ss):

07/05/02:
01:55:13

07/06/02:
01:01:55

07/07/02:
01:33:10

07/08/02:
01:24:58

07/09/02:
03:30:09

07/10/02:
01:49:54

07/11/02:
05:21:17

07/12/02:
02:59:02

07/13/02:
01:18:47

07/14/02:
03:56:05

07/15/02:
06:32:32

07/16/02:
06:26:51

07/17/02:
11:45:22

07/18/02:
05:42:39

07/19/02:
09:30:35

07/20/02:
07:41:54

07/21/02:
07:44:42

07/22/02:
08:52:47

07/23/02:
08:24:25

07/24/02:
10:54:22

07/25/02:
10:22:05

07/26/02:
01:48:54

07/27/02:
03:23:37

07/28/02:
04:40:29

07/29/02:
03:53:16

07/30/02:
02:14:27

07/31/02:
03:31:22

08/01/02:
04:57:19

08/02/02:
04:03:55

08/03/02:
02:47:01

08/04/02:
07:57:42



Total hours used during
this billing period: 158:06:46

(MSNBC Sleep Test results)

Your Sleep Score

Your responses indicate that you may be suffering symptoms of the following sleep disorder(s):

Sleep Apnea - a potentially serious disorder which causes you to stop breathing repeatedly, often hundreds of times in the night during your sleep.

Insomnia - a persistent inability to fall asleep or stay asleep.

Narcolepsy - a lifelong disorder characterized by sleep attacks during the day.


(Actually... not like I'm an expert or anything, but I think that I'm just subconsciously afraid to be asleep. :( )