What would happen if...
What would happen if I just started throwing shit out... started purging again?
What would happen if I stopped saving e-mails and threads?
What would happen if I didn't have so much CRAP?
Wednesday, March 31, 2004
Yeah, but I can do 20 push ups. (5)
Looking back to June 2003, there's quite a big difference, but looking back to August all I've managed to really do is "maintain", and that doesn't exactly make me happy. I don't know that I could pull off 20 push ups. I've done a lot less of them, even on the days when I do manage to work out, because of horrible joint pain in my wrists. :\
I'm hoping that as the weather changes, I'll get that fire back under my ass. It's been a long Winter.
I'm hoping that as the weather changes, I'll get that fire back under my ass. It's been a long Winter.
Under my clothing... (5)
slow moving
Height: 65.5 inches
Weight: 146 pounds
(in inches)
-------------
wrist: 6.25
neck: 14.5
chest: 35.5
waist: 33
hip: 35.5
bicep: 12
forearm: 11
thigh: 21.5
calf: 14
for the record, these are my desired/target measurements:
Weight: @ 136 pounds
neck: 15
chest: 40.6
waist: 28.4
hip: 34.5
bicep: 14.6
forearm: 11.8
thigh: 21.5
calf: 13.8
Height: 65.5 inches
Weight: 146 pounds
(in inches)
-------------
wrist: 6.25
neck: 14.5
chest: 35.5
waist: 33
hip: 35.5
bicep: 12
forearm: 11
thigh: 21.5
calf: 14
for the record, these are my desired/target measurements:
Weight: @ 136 pounds
neck: 15
chest: 40.6
waist: 28.4
hip: 34.5
bicep: 14.6
forearm: 11.8
thigh: 21.5
calf: 13.8
Tuesday, March 30, 2004
Hello (20) - VIII, IX
3:29 PM
S.'s coming up. I'll give a call when he leaves.
11:10 PM
I think that I'll be up for about another hour or so. SVU was good, but too much of a Michael Jackson case rip off.
S.'s coming up. I'll give a call when he leaves.
11:10 PM
I think that I'll be up for about another hour or so. SVU was good, but too much of a Michael Jackson case rip off.
(Make Sense) 2
I guess that "when all of your senses seem to be "in tune" with one another" is one way to describe it. Being "Shifted" or "Shifting" is another. Can I shift at will? I think so. Can I "unshift"? Like I said, that's the tough part. When I give up control, that's one thing. It's all up to the "other" to give it back though. I don't have control over that, but I try to work on reaching some sort of compromise within myself. I've learned that attempting to take control causes a lot of problems.. but sometimes, if you ask...
(03/31/04 11:00 AM)
I meant that as in me asking me. I meant that rather than attemtping to take control, asking for it sometimes works. (tone of voice really gets lost online )
(03/31/04 11:00 AM)
I meant that as in me asking me. I meant that rather than attemtping to take control, asking for it sometimes works. (tone of voice really gets lost online
)
Thinking on Avatars (again) 1
Is it about how you see yourself, how you think others see you, how you'd like to be seen.... all of the above?
The problem with my current avatar is that I don't always feel "goofy", not even the "evil" side of goofy (which is what the seagulls were in Nemo).
I am rather multifaceted, so it's pretty difficult to settle on just one avatar. I could change them on a daily basis, but even that'd be too limiting. It's often that my "moods" change minute to minute. So, I look for one that expresses the "inner" me... the me that underlies all the rest of the "moods".
I see them (the ones I'm considering) as:
unpredictable - insane - god like - tortured
demonic - solitary - blood thirsty
loving - blasphemous - destructive - possessed
The "softest" side of me... "solitary". Although the "loving" side is soft as well, the homo-erotic/masculine nature of the picture (I'm sure) really bothers some people... taking away some of the "softness".
Am I dark? Well, I don't know whose place it is to determine that. Mine, I suppose... but what others see does play a part. I see myself as a powder keg... and all the people around me are capable of dropping a match. (I'm a lot less of a threat if I surround myself with Ravens.)
The problem with my current avatar is that I don't always feel "goofy", not even the "evil" side of goofy (which is what the seagulls were in Nemo).
I am rather multifaceted, so it's pretty difficult to settle on just one avatar. I could change them on a daily basis, but even that'd be too limiting. It's often that my "moods" change minute to minute. So, I look for one that expresses the "inner" me... the me that underlies all the rest of the "moods".
I see them (the ones I'm considering) as:
unpredictable - insane - god like - tortured
demonic - solitary - blood thirsty
loving - blasphemous - destructive - possessed
The "softest" side of me... "solitary". Although the "loving" side is soft as well, the homo-erotic/masculine nature of the picture (I'm sure) really bothers some people... taking away some of the "softness".
Am I dark? Well, I don't know whose place it is to determine that. Mine, I suppose... but what others see does play a part. I see myself as a powder keg... and all the people around me are capable of dropping a match. (I'm a lot less of a threat if I surround myself with Ravens.)
Monday, March 29, 2004
Hello (20) - VII
I don't know why he's is pissing me off. I know (logically) that he's just really intimidated by me, but he's still irking the hell out of me today.
N. may have agreed with his choice, but with her it was because she really liked the avatar. With him it was all about his need to see me as inferior (just like his last choice). That he posted that right after he'd read what I'd written to/about him in the Retro section spoke volumes.
I need a drink, and I don't like that I do.
N. may have agreed with his choice, but with her it was because she really liked the avatar. With him it was all about his need to see me as inferior (just like his last choice). That he posted that right after he'd read what I'd written to/about him in the Retro section spoke volumes.
I need a drink, and I don't like that I do.
(What goes on in there)
The fact that I could "get away with" murder, or should I say, "killing" makes me uncomfortable. It makes some people fear being around me. It makes some want to keep their children away from me. All around, it's not good on the self esteem.
When it comes down to it though, can someone get away with committing a crime because they're off in the head? Not really. They'll still lock you up, just not in jail.
(Comic books? 2)
V for Vendetta? I've never heard of it, but that's not too surprising. I'm a little out of touch with the comic world. (My bro is my only link to it these days.)
I'll check it out next time I'm in the comic store.
I'll check it out next time I'm in the comic store.
Sunday, March 28, 2004
Bronski Beat - Smalltown Boy
You leave in the morning
With everything you own
In a little black case
Alone on a platform
The wind and the rain
On a sad and lonely face
Mother will never understand
Why you had to leave
But the answers you seek
Will never be found at home
The love that you need
Will never be found at home
Run away, turn away, run away, turn away, run away.
Pushed around and kicked around
Always a lonely boy
You were the one
That they'd talk about around town
As they put you down
And as hard as they would try
They'd hurt to make you cry
But you never cried to them
Just to your soul
No you never cried to them
Just to your soul
Run away, turn away, run away, turn away, run away.
Cry , boy, cry...
You leave in the morning
With everything you own
In a little black case
Alone on a platform
The wind and the rain
On a sad and lonely face
Run away, turn away, run away, turn away, run away.
With everything you own
In a little black case
Alone on a platform
The wind and the rain
On a sad and lonely face
Mother will never understand
Why you had to leave
But the answers you seek
Will never be found at home
The love that you need
Will never be found at home
Run away, turn away, run away, turn away, run away.
Pushed around and kicked around
Always a lonely boy
You were the one
That they'd talk about around town
As they put you down
And as hard as they would try
They'd hurt to make you cry
But you never cried to them
Just to your soul
No you never cried to them
Just to your soul
Run away, turn away, run away, turn away, run away.
Cry , boy, cry...
You leave in the morning
With everything you own
In a little black case
Alone on a platform
The wind and the rain
On a sad and lonely face
Run away, turn away, run away, turn away, run away.
(Make Sense) 1
Which would I give up, if I had to?
I suppose taste, but because my hearing is the most oversensitive, and hence, the most problematic, I often think that I'd go with that before taste. I suppose that it depends on the moment you ask me, but I'd give a "sane" answer of "taste".
With me?
sight- My sight is ok. I don't need glasses, but sometimes the computer strains my eyes a bit. There are times when I can't deal with light, but then there are times when I stare happily into the sun. When I'm in "hyper sensed" mode, the way it usually affects my sight is by allowing me to see more detail all the way around.
sound- My hearing is beyond acute, and mixed with being very "touch" sensitive (vibrations), it's often that I'm a mess. They say it's PTSD, but whatever the cause, it's made my life hellish.
touch- I've always had odd tactile stuff going on. From not being able to tolerate certain fabrics, to the constant need for fingertip stimulation, it's pretty off from the norm. As I mentioned above, vibrations are also problematic for me. Sometimes a loud bass line will actually hurt my skin.
smell- I rely heavily on my sense of smell. Whether it's a "Were" thing or just a Jon thing, it's how I "see" people, and the world in general. I trust my sense of smell more than I trust any of my other senses.
taste- Because I smoke, my taste buds are a bit dulled. I enjoy tasting certain things, but it's not as much a part of my being as the other senses. If it's good or bad, I can smell it. I don't really need to taste it... although I often enjoy doing so.
With the "picking up of energies"... I don't know if that's a 6th sense, or just the ability to use or intensify one or more of the other 5 senses. (I think) I'm in the ESP camp though.
"Hyper aware" mode is something I'm familiar with. Sometimes it's not by choice, other times it is. It's something I used to spend a lot more time working on "controlling". Turning it off is the tough part.
I suppose taste, but because my hearing is the most oversensitive, and hence, the most problematic, I often think that I'd go with that before taste. I suppose that it depends on the moment you ask me, but I'd give a "sane" answer of "taste".
With me?
sight- My sight is ok. I don't need glasses, but sometimes the computer strains my eyes a bit. There are times when I can't deal with light, but then there are times when I stare happily into the sun. When I'm in "hyper sensed" mode, the way it usually affects my sight is by allowing me to see more detail all the way around.
sound- My hearing is beyond acute, and mixed with being very "touch" sensitive (vibrations), it's often that I'm a mess. They say it's PTSD, but whatever the cause, it's made my life hellish.
touch- I've always had odd tactile stuff going on. From not being able to tolerate certain fabrics, to the constant need for fingertip stimulation, it's pretty off from the norm. As I mentioned above, vibrations are also problematic for me. Sometimes a loud bass line will actually hurt my skin.
smell- I rely heavily on my sense of smell. Whether it's a "Were" thing or just a Jon thing, it's how I "see" people, and the world in general. I trust my sense of smell more than I trust any of my other senses.
taste- Because I smoke, my taste buds are a bit dulled. I enjoy tasting certain things, but it's not as much a part of my being as the other senses. If it's good or bad, I can smell it. I don't really need to taste it... although I often enjoy doing so.
With the "picking up of energies"... I don't know if that's a 6th sense, or just the ability to use or intensify one or more of the other 5 senses. (I think) I'm in the ESP camp though.
"Hyper aware" mode is something I'm familiar with. Sometimes it's not by choice, other times it is. It's something I used to spend a lot more time working on "controlling". Turning it off is the tough part.
ugh
This has been hell of a long "bad patch". I think it's been about 6 months now.
Really need a positive switch.
Really need a positive switch.
Hello (20) - VI
Might try calling in a few. I'm really behind in posting though... starting to feel bad about that.
Life is rough.
The day was a complete disaster.
Long story.
My name is on the list... it just happens to be project housing though, not Section 8.
Long story.
My name is on the list... it just happens to be project housing though, not Section 8.
(so much for that)
The day before yesterday, all the stats disappeared. (Gotta love our host. :\ )
Anyway, that's why the post count is so low. It's only 2 days worth of stats.
pisses me off
Anyway, that's why the post count is so low. It's only 2 days worth of stats.
pisses me off
Hello (20) - V
Having trouble sleeping. My feet are still burning, and actually feel bruised. The blister (quarter sized under my right big toe) is more annoying when I walk, but even laying down my feet feel like they're on fire.
Long day (week... month... year... life... )
Long day (week... month... year... life...
)
Saturday, March 27, 2004
Hello (20) - III, IV
9:55 AM
Probably going to be in bed for a while. I see Jk's name on the board, so I know she's not dead or anything.
Not sure what's going to happen from here... but I know that I should wait until I get past the - after alcohol beating up myself - crap before even attempting to talk to her.
I'll try calling at some point. Hopefully we'll both get some serious rejuveating rest in.
6:33 PM
Told Jk I'd call her back (bathroom). Now her number is busy. So is yours.
I fucking hate my life.
Probably going to be in bed for a while. I see Jk's name on the board, so I know she's not dead or anything.
Not sure what's going to happen from here... but I know that I should wait until I get past the - after alcohol beating up myself - crap before even attempting to talk to her.
I'll try calling at some point. Hopefully we'll both get some serious rejuveating rest in.
6:33 PM
Told Jk I'd call her back (bathroom). Now her number is busy. So is yours.
I fucking hate my life.
Friday, March 26, 2004
Hello (20) - II
I'm too tired to do much more than cross my fingers. Been "up" for an hour, but the majority of my brain cells are still asleep.
I really hope this day doesn't suck shit.
I really hope this day doesn't suck shit.
Thursday, March 25, 2004
Notta Con - IV
Things are still a little difficult for me, being that I'm dependent on other people to get me around and not able to offer up space in the city, but I'm hoping that if people do decide do come in for the event, we can at least manage to all get together for a lunch or dinner or something. Maybe afternoon coffee? I don't know yet which bar or club I'll be planting my alcoholic butt in Sunday night, but it will be planted at one of them. My guess is 12th Air, because they have a nice sized outdoor balcony, and plenty of indoor space. I have this thing about wanting to sit down, and most dance clubs simply don't have enough seating on busy nights.
I think it's going to be a lot of "play by ear" on my part, but I hope to be able to meet up with people if they decide to make the trip. :)
I think it's going to be a lot of "play by ear" on my part, but I hope to be able to meet up with people if they decide to make the trip. :)
Sexuality
Over the past 5 - 10 years or so, I've come to realize just how mutable sexuality is in the course of one's life. (I'm not only talking about choices, but about actual desires.)
It's only recently that this has become, in a way, frightening to me. I see my own sexuality changing... and the reasons why it is changing scare me. I suppose I'm just realizing a lot about why I interact with others, on a sexual level, the way I do.
It makes me sad, and scared, and brings feelings of... well... I'm not sure how to articulate it. I find myself despicable... tainted maybe, but still horrible.
It's only recently that this has become, in a way, frightening to me. I see my own sexuality changing... and the reasons why it is changing scare me. I suppose I'm just realizing a lot about why I interact with others, on a sexual level, the way I do.
It makes me sad, and scared, and brings feelings of... well... I'm not sure how to articulate it. I find myself despicable... tainted maybe, but still horrible.
Wednesday, March 24, 2004
BOOM
(original topic (in italics) posted 03/23/04 @5PM or so)
All the people on the planet are about to vanish... except for 10.
Pick 9 that you'd want with you. (a note: just assume that things will be ok in the long run, no pressure to repopulate the planet. This question is more about naming the 9 most important people in your life. ;) )
Well, here's my list:
A2
Jb (her son)
S.
Jk
L.
Mk (L.'s husband)
Wr (L.'s daughter)
Sv (leaving all other board people out, because I can't choose!
)
Jm (Sv's husband)
This question is a sort of "challenge", I suppose. One of those "If you had to choose" types of things. I just went with the people I feel the closest to, and their spouses/children if they had them.
All the people on the planet are about to vanish... except for 10.
Pick 9 that you'd want with you. (a note: just assume that things will be ok in the long run, no pressure to repopulate the planet. This question is more about naming the 9 most important people in your life. ;) )
Well, here's my list:
A2
Jb (her son)
S.
Jk
L.
Mk (L.'s husband)
Wr (L.'s daughter)
Sv (leaving all other board people out, because I can't choose!
)Jm (Sv's husband)
This question is a sort of "challenge", I suppose. One of those "If you had to choose" types of things. I just went with the people I feel the closest to, and their spouses/children if they had them.
Retro Topic #3 (Blood Is Blood)
Retro topic posted on 3/22/04 @noon:
(Vampire related, but not specific)
What is blood to you? Is it food? A liquid substitute for a good meal? Is it sensual? Sexual? Is there an emotional 'charge' from it? How much of a "turn-on" is the rush of sensuality, and how much of it is a psi-feeding thing (aka a 'rush' of 'elemental' energy?) Is it a 'connection' with the person donating the blood?
(Were related, but not specific)
With predator/prey relationships, is it just a dead animal or an energy exchange?
- from a topic originally posted by "A." on 2/24/01
I can't remember the last time I ingested human blood, other than my own. It all came along with feeling/becoming more and more violent. It was, once, a simple craving for blood. To some degree, it still is. In fact, as I write this, my mouth is watering at the thought.
I started calling myself a Vampire when I was about 14. I took blood from those willing to give it. I drank my own constantly. Along with that was realizing ways in which I differed from others. The term "Vampire" just made sense.
Today, even more so than with the term "Were", I feel that the label no longer applies. Although I've managed to find a few "Were-like-me"s, I've yet to find even one "Vampire-like-me".
I've come to think that it's possible that my blood cravings are attached to the whole "Were" thing... it's a food thing, not a sex thing or an energy thing. Every last person I've met or spoken with who calls themself a Vampire gets things from blood and feeding from other humans that I simply do not get. Too, every other "Were-like-me" I've met has had the same "I want to eat/attack people" thing going on.
There is a "recharge" that happens after drinking human blood, but I can get that type of recharge from other foods too (although to a lesser degree). I don't need to drink blood for Psi-energy. It doesn't turn me on. It's not a ritual. It's just food... a "favorite food", so to speak... a food that carries a pretty potent recharge effect and satisfies something in me that little else can. It's like the difference between eating a PowerBar and a bowl of pasta. It's a food charge, not some sort of magickal, dramatic, erotic, mysterious, spooky ritual.
It's tough to put into words. I used to call myself a "WereVamp", that fit a little better. I guess I'm getting tired of all the labels though. I'm just Jon who really likes drinking human blood, and often craves it to the point of it feeling like a "need".
The biggest problem has been that people revolt me though. Syringe donors are my preference. I have no desire to smell the stench of most people. It's actually nauseating most of the time. Most humans smell worse to me than dogs do to most people.
The web has made me think a lot about labels... and has caused a lot of them once attached to me to slide off. I'm ok with that. In life, I've been a lone wolf, for the most part. I keep my distance. I stalk (in the legal way). I hunt (in the legal way). I get what I need, for the most part. Sometimes it just takes a while, that's all.
Dead animals are dead... but I can relate to the feeding vs. eating thing. I know what you mean there. It's a lesser degree than feeding from (live) human blood, but it's still a charge/recharge. I can't get it from lettuce though, only meat. Live human meat? Well... I have meds to take when that craving threatens to get the best of me.
(Vampire related, but not specific)
What is blood to you? Is it food? A liquid substitute for a good meal? Is it sensual? Sexual? Is there an emotional 'charge' from it? How much of a "turn-on" is the rush of sensuality, and how much of it is a psi-feeding thing (aka a 'rush' of 'elemental' energy?) Is it a 'connection' with the person donating the blood?
(Were related, but not specific)
With predator/prey relationships, is it just a dead animal or an energy exchange?
- from a topic originally posted by "A." on 2/24/01
I can't remember the last time I ingested human blood, other than my own. It all came along with feeling/becoming more and more violent. It was, once, a simple craving for blood. To some degree, it still is. In fact, as I write this, my mouth is watering at the thought.
I started calling myself a Vampire when I was about 14. I took blood from those willing to give it. I drank my own constantly. Along with that was realizing ways in which I differed from others. The term "Vampire" just made sense.
Today, even more so than with the term "Were", I feel that the label no longer applies. Although I've managed to find a few "Were-like-me"s, I've yet to find even one "Vampire-like-me".
I've come to think that it's possible that my blood cravings are attached to the whole "Were" thing... it's a food thing, not a sex thing or an energy thing. Every last person I've met or spoken with who calls themself a Vampire gets things from blood and feeding from other humans that I simply do not get. Too, every other "Were-like-me" I've met has had the same "I want to eat/attack people" thing going on.
There is a "recharge" that happens after drinking human blood, but I can get that type of recharge from other foods too (although to a lesser degree). I don't need to drink blood for Psi-energy. It doesn't turn me on. It's not a ritual. It's just food... a "favorite food", so to speak... a food that carries a pretty potent recharge effect and satisfies something in me that little else can. It's like the difference between eating a PowerBar and a bowl of pasta. It's a food charge, not some sort of magickal, dramatic, erotic, mysterious, spooky ritual.
It's tough to put into words. I used to call myself a "WereVamp", that fit a little better. I guess I'm getting tired of all the labels though. I'm just Jon who really likes drinking human blood, and often craves it to the point of it feeling like a "need".
The biggest problem has been that people revolt me though. Syringe donors are my preference. I have no desire to smell the stench of most people. It's actually nauseating most of the time. Most humans smell worse to me than dogs do to most people.
The web has made me think a lot about labels... and has caused a lot of them once attached to me to slide off. I'm ok with that. In life, I've been a lone wolf, for the most part. I keep my distance. I stalk (in the legal way). I hunt (in the legal way). I get what I need, for the most part. Sometimes it just takes a while, that's all.
Dead animals are dead... but I can relate to the feeding vs. eating thing. I know what you mean there. It's a lesser degree than feeding from (live) human blood, but it's still a charge/recharge. I can't get it from lettuce though, only meat. Live human meat? Well... I have meds to take when that craving threatens to get the best of me.
How u b? (15)
Don't know why I'm up... just sort of surfing around.
Really glad you're posting a bit, Sv. I miss you a lot when you're scarce. I'm glad things are working out a little... and sorry things were so crappy.
Really glad you're posting a bit, Sv. I miss you a lot when you're scarce. I'm glad things are working out a little... and sorry things were so crappy.
Hello (20) - I
The hammering started at 8:10, the ring and runs at 8:30. The kids are gone, but the hammering is still going on.
I'm ready to redefine nervous breakdown.
I'm ready to redefine nervous breakdown.
Tuesday, March 23, 2004
(Comic books? 1)
I used to be really into The Sandman, about 10 years ago or so. Since then I've not been able to get into comics, or even fantasy the way I used to. I don't know what exactly hit my "off" switch with fiction, but for some reason, over the last (at least) 10 years or so, if it isn't believable, I'm not interested.
I sort of hope that one day I'll be able to enjoy fiction again, in all forms.
I sort of hope that one day I'll be able to enjoy fiction again, in all forms.
106
I hold it
feel the weight in my hand
shift a finger
touch the trigger
think
who would care?
who do I care about?
two
so I stop.
feel the weight in my hand
shift a finger
touch the trigger
think
who would care?
who do I care about?
two
so I stop.
March 23, 2004
My mind races and races.... and I have the "no point"s beyond belief.
I can't bring myself to do anything... not work out, not shower or cut my hair, not even go buy beer. I'm stuck.
Soon the kids will be home and I'll have to deal with the noise. I'll sit here until my head feels like it's going to explode, and then I'll drink the Sake I have in the fridge. It won't help, and then I'll feel sick to my stomach, and then I'll call A2 and bitch about everything. Maybe I'll play more Populous or Snood... keep killing time trying not to kill myself or anyone else. It's the same day, over and over and over and over.
Not only do I not know what to do to change anything, but I really don't know what the point is in trying. Even if I change things, it'll just be different shit... but it will still be shit.
What's the point?
I can't bring myself to do anything... not work out, not shower or cut my hair, not even go buy beer. I'm stuck.
Soon the kids will be home and I'll have to deal with the noise. I'll sit here until my head feels like it's going to explode, and then I'll drink the Sake I have in the fridge. It won't help, and then I'll feel sick to my stomach, and then I'll call A2 and bitch about everything. Maybe I'll play more Populous or Snood... keep killing time trying not to kill myself or anyone else. It's the same day, over and over and over and over.
Not only do I not know what to do to change anything, but I really don't know what the point is in trying. Even if I change things, it'll just be different shit... but it will still be shit.
What's the point?
Hello (19) - XIV
6:30 Troll
7:30 Bass Man
8:30 kids - including a ring and run
9:30, 10:30 sawing and hammering (lobby and stairs)
11:30 hammering and pounding (stairs and hallway)
7:30 Bass Man
8:30 kids - including a ring and run
9:30, 10:30 sawing and hammering (lobby and stairs)
11:30 hammering and pounding (stairs and hallway)
The most annoying song ever
My vote:
"Warm Leatherette" by The Normal
(Warning: Dangerous to throwable objects and the electronic devices they collide with.)
"Warm Leatherette" by The Normal
(Warning: Dangerous to throwable objects and the electronic devices they collide with.)
need help
(to S.)
I have to get into town on a Friday between 1 and 3PM to put my name on a housing list. If Jk doesn't come through this Friday, then I could really use a lift. Even if you don't want to drive into town, a lift to the train (or el) and some company would help out a lot. I know that you might be going to day shift, so could you just let me know what you can do (or can't do) as soon as you know? If not this Friday, then next? (I'll let you know by this Thursday whether or not Jk's going to (basically) screw me on this.)
The list is about a year long, and the longer I'm not on it, the longer I'm trapped here and in danger of completely losing it.
I might try calling you today. Not sure what your schedule is. I'm really tired, so I might end up just going back to bed. Not dealing well with people right now.
I have to get into town on a Friday between 1 and 3PM to put my name on a housing list. If Jk doesn't come through this Friday, then I could really use a lift. Even if you don't want to drive into town, a lift to the train (or el) and some company would help out a lot. I know that you might be going to day shift, so could you just let me know what you can do (or can't do) as soon as you know? If not this Friday, then next? (I'll let you know by this Thursday whether or not Jk's going to (basically) screw me on this.)
The list is about a year long, and the longer I'm not on it, the longer I'm trapped here and in danger of completely losing it.
I might try calling you today. Not sure what your schedule is. I'm really tired, so I might end up just going back to bed. Not dealing well with people right now.
Just one of those days (pt 3)
I feel like I'm going to snap. I need to get out of this fucked up apartement. I need to be able to take care of myself again.
As the days go by, I get closer and closer to doing something drastic to change my situation. (Burning this building down, killing my mother, then living in lock up comes to mind.)
Hello (19) - XII, XIII
1:20 AM
wondering if this day will ever end
9:11 AM
Was up until almost 3. I'm really tired.
If I do go back to bed, I'll call first. I'll probably try calling in a few actually. I'm thinking about unplugging the phone when I do go back to bed though. I just have no patience. It was 6:30 Troll, 7:30 Bass Man, 8:30 kids - including a ring and run.
There are very few people on the planet right now that I don't hate.
wondering if this day will ever end
9:11 AM
Was up until almost 3. I'm really tired.
If I do go back to bed, I'll call first. I'll probably try calling in a few actually. I'm thinking about unplugging the phone when I do go back to bed though. I just have no patience. It was 6:30 Troll, 7:30 Bass Man, 8:30 kids - including a ring and run.
There are very few people on the planet right now that I don't hate.
Monday, March 22, 2004
March 22, 2004
Sometimes I think I should quit drinking... maybe do the whole "straight edge" thing. I fear that though... I fear directing the anger in me.
I feel so close to the edge. I get this way a lot, it seems.
I wonder if one day I'll do it... cross the line... make friends with death ...myself... someone else... it's all the same.
I certainly do not feel very friendly with life.
I feel so close to the edge. I get this way a lot, it seems.
I wonder if one day I'll do it... cross the line... make friends with death ...myself... someone else... it's all the same.
I certainly do not feel very friendly with life.
Just one of those days
3:55 PM
I really hate low self esteem days. It's rare that I have a high self esteem day anymore. I used to have a lot more of them.
I don't know what happened to me over the last few years... but I've lost a lot of that positive sense of self that I used to have. Maybe it's the online beatings I've taken. Maybe it's having one of my closest friends treat me like an insolent child. Maybe it's finally realizing that my own parents and family members (other than S.) really don't care about me at all... and to this day blame me for not only my own torment, but theirs as well. Maybe it's being single for a while. Maybe it's the lack of human contact in my daily life. Maybe it's all of it. I don't know.
All I know is that today I feel pretty horrible... and that it's not a rare occurrence.
5:37 PM
Cancelled the shrink. I've cancelled more than I've made over the past few months.
I'm very hungry.
I'm very unstable.
I'm too sober.
I can't post more than that.
I really hate low self esteem days. It's rare that I have a high self esteem day anymore. I used to have a lot more of them.
I don't know what happened to me over the last few years... but I've lost a lot of that positive sense of self that I used to have. Maybe it's the online beatings I've taken. Maybe it's having one of my closest friends treat me like an insolent child. Maybe it's finally realizing that my own parents and family members (other than S.) really don't care about me at all... and to this day blame me for not only my own torment, but theirs as well. Maybe it's being single for a while. Maybe it's the lack of human contact in my daily life. Maybe it's all of it. I don't know.
All I know is that today I feel pretty horrible... and that it's not a rare occurrence.
5:37 PM
Cancelled the shrink. I've cancelled more than I've made over the past few months.
I'm very hungry.
I'm very unstable.
I'm too sober.
I can't post more than that.
Make sense?
You have every right to be upset, and it's true, things suck. This advice I can give you though, when it comes to women...
If you're interested in a woman (even a little), let her know, then back off... let her take the next step. If she doesn't take one, take it as a "she's not interested".
As for her dealings with the other guy at work... Don't be a friend! Don't give her advice or warnings. Giving her advice like that completely patronizes her, and could also send her a message that all you desire from her is friendship. If you're attracted to her and it made you jealous, then just say so. That sends the message that you're interested.
If you're interested in a woman (even a little), let her know, then back off... let her take the next step. If she doesn't take one, take it as a "she's not interested".
As for her dealings with the other guy at work... Don't be a friend! Don't give her advice or warnings. Giving her advice like that completely patronizes her, and could also send her a message that all you desire from her is friendship. If you're attracted to her and it made you jealous, then just say so. That sends the message that you're interested.
Sunday, March 21, 2004
Hello (19) - XI
Jk's in the shower.
The evening went exactly as I thought it would.
I'm getting less and less tolerant of people, the older I get.
Makes me feel pretty crappy about myself.
The evening went exactly as I thought it would.
I'm getting less and less tolerant of people, the older I get.
Makes me feel pretty crappy about myself.
Saturday, March 20, 2004
Retro Topic #2
Retro topic posted 3/17/04:
Do you think that Were's are better at expressing themselves, worse, or just the same as non-Weres? Is the way one masters or cannot master language a part of what makes a Were a Were?
- from a topic originally posted by M.) on 1/12/01
I've given thought to it over the last few years (since the time the original thread was posted), but I sort of feel like I hit a brick wall when I arrived at the "If you're a Were, then I'm not one" point.
I guess, thinking about people who call themselves "Were", and not people I consider to be "Were like me", that language has nothing to do with it... not written or spoken or even how they process things. If I take out the "Were like me" folks, then to the best of my observation, all being a "Were" means is that you have a thing for animals and want a term to make you feel special. Then, I think I'm a bit jaded.
As for "Were like me" Weres, I don't know that it's so much the use of language that is a characteristic, but the ability to communicate without it. I know that if I'm with another Were, I usually have more problems if we try to actually talk then if we don't. Usually a grunt or the raise of an eyebrow will do it, and a bunch of words will do nothing but make a mess. (I think that this is what you were referring to in your post, Sv.)
That said... I also think I talk too damn much.
Do you think that Were's are better at expressing themselves, worse, or just the same as non-Weres? Is the way one masters or cannot master language a part of what makes a Were a Were?
- from a topic originally posted by M.) on 1/12/01
I've given thought to it over the last few years (since the time the original thread was posted), but I sort of feel like I hit a brick wall when I arrived at the "If you're a Were, then I'm not one" point.
I guess, thinking about people who call themselves "Were", and not people I consider to be "Were like me", that language has nothing to do with it... not written or spoken or even how they process things. If I take out the "Were like me" folks, then to the best of my observation, all being a "Were" means is that you have a thing for animals and want a term to make you feel special. Then, I think I'm a bit jaded.
As for "Were like me" Weres, I don't know that it's so much the use of language that is a characteristic, but the ability to communicate without it. I know that if I'm with another Were, I usually have more problems if we try to actually talk then if we don't. Usually a grunt or the raise of an eyebrow will do it, and a bunch of words will do nothing but make a mess. (I think that this is what you were referring to in your post, Sv.)
That said... I also think I talk too damn much.
Wednesday, March 17, 2004
nervous laughter
Sometimes I think that in an attempt to desensitize ourselves, we joke. Sort of like... if I think about it and laugh about it, if it ever comes to pass, I'll be better able to deal with it.
I don't know that it's very effective though. No matter what, until you're in a traumatic situation, you have no clue as to how you'll react or feel.
I think that sometimes, things we fear, we surround ourselves with, perhaps in some sort of subconscious attempt to grow and conquer the fear... desensitization. People love horror films... are fascinated by serial killers... romanticize candlelight. We want to know just how much we can take before we snap, perhaps.
Laughing during funerals is actually pretty common.
I don't know that it's very effective though. No matter what, until you're in a traumatic situation, you have no clue as to how you'll react or feel.
I think that sometimes, things we fear, we surround ourselves with, perhaps in some sort of subconscious attempt to grow and conquer the fear... desensitization. People love horror films... are fascinated by serial killers... romanticize candlelight. We want to know just how much we can take before we snap, perhaps.
Laughing during funerals is actually pretty common.
(Alcohol is a much better drug.)
I have a couple of bottles of Xanax in my linen closet, left over from when I was taking it daily. Now, I take Xanax only when it's an emergency. I was taking 4 mg a day (per my doc), but that just led to bad side effects. It was making me violent and rageful, and being already fuct in the noggin, that wasn't good at all... and detoxing from it was simply hellish. I forget the exact dates, but I went on it around when Terri died, and off it in the following January.
the usual (2)
The total for the day?
3/16/04 903 (total views) 610 (supporter views) 57 posts
It's almost like the old board. *lol*
3/16/04 903 (total views) 610 (supporter views) 57 posts
It's almost like the old board. *lol*
Got a dust cloth? - IV
Quoting myself:
Too much trying to make everyone else happy... and WAY too much constantly explaining myself.
I promised myself that I wouldn't fall into the whole thing again, and then yesterday, I did.
We came back here (we, meaning A2 and I) because it was #1 - my board (I "own" it) and #2 - our online home. We learned, when the board closed, who really gave a shit, and who didn't. We learned before the board closed, who was trouble and who was not. We need trouble like we need a hole in the head. We can't make people care.
I really have to read this thread more often... keep things in perspective. I should have just kicked Nv out without a word to her... but instead, I tried. I tried to make her care. You can't make people care. (Too, you can't make people be respectful, or be anyone other than who they are.) :\
I think that I need to spend more time and energy on the ones who do care, and the ones who are respectful, than on the ones who make me nuts.
For those of you who might be reading this, yes, I own this board, but it's our board... A2 and I. We want our friends here. We want good people here. We're both touchy, oversensitive people... we do care.
Too much trying to make everyone else happy... and WAY too much constantly explaining myself.
I promised myself that I wouldn't fall into the whole thing again, and then yesterday, I did.
We came back here (we, meaning A2 and I) because it was #1 - my board (I "own" it) and #2 - our online home. We learned, when the board closed, who really gave a shit, and who didn't. We learned before the board closed, who was trouble and who was not. We need trouble like we need a hole in the head. We can't make people care.
I really have to read this thread more often... keep things in perspective. I should have just kicked Nv out without a word to her... but instead, I tried. I tried to make her care. You can't make people care. (Too, you can't make people be respectful, or be anyone other than who they are.) :\
I think that I need to spend more time and energy on the ones who do care, and the ones who are respectful, than on the ones who make me nuts.
For those of you who might be reading this, yes, I own this board, but it's our board... A2 and I. We want our friends here. We want good people here. We're both touchy, oversensitive people... we do care.
Tuesday, March 16, 2004
the usual (1)
Just wanted you to see these numbers:
3/16/04 799 (total views) 546 (supporter views) 52 posts
3/15/04 518 (total views) 373 (supporter views) 24 posts
3/14/04 376 (total views) 293 (supporter views) 18 posts
nothing like getting really pissed to spike the board activity
3/16/04 799 (total views) 546 (supporter views) 52 posts
3/15/04 518 (total views) 373 (supporter views) 24 posts
3/14/04 376 (total views) 293 (supporter views) 18 posts
nothing like getting really pissed to spike the board activity
Hello (19) - VIII, IX
12:48 PM
*(rare but real) hug*
It's OUR board.
Don't forget that. ;)
8:11 PM
Well, now that this place feels like crap again....
I'm supposing that it'll blow over, but in the meanwhile, the air is pretty heavy.
*(rare but real) hug*
It's OUR board.
Don't forget that. ;)
8:11 PM
Well, now that this place feels like crap again....
I'm supposing that it'll blow over, but in the meanwhile, the air is pretty heavy.
Monday, March 15, 2004
Hello (19) - VI, VII
9:01 AM
I'll try calling in a bit.
Still feeling off.
10:21 AM
busy busy busy
will keep trying
I'll try calling in a bit.
Still feeling off.
10:21 AM
busy busy busy
will keep trying
Sunday, March 14, 2004
Saturday, March 13, 2004
Hello (19) - V
Listening to A Flock Of Seagulls.
Have an appointment with the shrinkydink Monday.
Wish I could call... but I'm really beyond a mess.
sorry
Have an appointment with the shrinkydink Monday.
Wish I could call... but I'm really beyond a mess.
sorry
Institutionalized - Suicidal Tendencies
Sometimes I try to do things, and it just don't turn out the way I wanted to
and I get real frustrated, it's like, I take my time and I try real hard,
but no matter what I do and no matter what I try it never works out, it's like
I concentrate on it real hard, but it never works out,
it's like I need some time to figure these things out,
but there's always someone there going:
- Hey Mike, you know, we been noticing you've been having alot of problems lately, you know, and like maybe you should talk about it, you'd feel alot better.
And I go:
- No, it's ok, I know I have some problems, I'll figure it out myself, just leave me alone I'll figure it out.
And they go:
- Why don't you talk about it, you'll feel alot better?
And I go:
- No, I don't want to, just leave me alone, I'll figure it out myself!
And they keep on bugging me and it builds up inside, it builds up inside...
So you're gonna be institutionalized
You'll come out brainwashed with bloodshot eyes
You won't have any say
They'll brainwash you until you see their way
I'm not crazy - institutionalized
You're the one who's crazy - institutionalized
You're driving me crazy - institutionalized
They stuck me in an institution
Said it was the only solution
To give me the needed professional help
To protect me from the enemy, myself
I was sitting in my room, and I was like staring at the walls thinking about everything but then again I was thinking about nothing, and then my mom came in and I didn't notice she was there and she calls my name and I didn't hear her and then she started screaming:
- Mike, Mike!
And I go:
- What, what's the matter?
She goes:
- What's the matter with you?
I say:
- Nothing mom.
She goes:
- Don't tell me nothing, you're on drugs!
I go:
- No mom, I'm not on drugs, I'm ok, I'm just thinking, you know, why don't you get me a Pepsi?
She goes:
- No, you're on drugs, you're crazy, normal people won't be acting that way!
I go:
- Mom, I'm all right, I'm just thinking, you know, so why don't you, like give me a Pepsi?
And she goes:
- No, you're crazy!
All I wanted was a Pepsi, just one Pepsi, and she wouldn't give it to me, just one Pepsi...
They give you a white shirt with long sleeves
Tied around you're back, you're treated like thieves
Drug you up because they're lazy
It's too much work to help a crazy
I'm not crazy - institutionalized
You're the one who's crazy - institutionalized
You're driving me crazy - institutionalized
They stuck me in an institution
Said it was the only solution
To give me the needed professional help
To protect me from the enemy, myself
I was sitting in my room and my mom and my dad came in and they pulled up a chair and they sat down, they go:
- Mike, we need to talk to you.
And I said:
- Okay, what's the matter?
They go:
- Well me and your mom, we been noticing lately you've been having alot of problems, and you haven't been acting like yourself, and we're afraid that you're going to hurt somebody, and we're afraid that you're gonna hurt yourself, so we decided that it would be in your best interest if we put you somewhere where you could get the help that you need...
And I said:
- Wait, what are we talking about?! We decided?! My best interest?! How can you know, how can you say what my best interest is? What are you trying to say? I'm crazy? When I went to your schools, I went to your churches, I went to your institutional learning facilities. So how can you say that I'm crazy?
They say they're gonna fix my brain
Alleviate my suffering and my pain
But by the time they fix my head
Mentally I'll be dead
I'm not crazy - institutionalized
You're the one who's crazy - institutionalized
You're driving me crazy - institutionalized
They stuck me in an institution
Said it was the only solution
To give me the needed professional help
To protect me from the enemy, myself
It doesn't matter I'll probably get hit by a car anyway.
and I get real frustrated, it's like, I take my time and I try real hard,
but no matter what I do and no matter what I try it never works out, it's like
I concentrate on it real hard, but it never works out,
it's like I need some time to figure these things out,
but there's always someone there going:
- Hey Mike, you know, we been noticing you've been having alot of problems lately, you know, and like maybe you should talk about it, you'd feel alot better.
And I go:
- No, it's ok, I know I have some problems, I'll figure it out myself, just leave me alone I'll figure it out.
And they go:
- Why don't you talk about it, you'll feel alot better?
And I go:
- No, I don't want to, just leave me alone, I'll figure it out myself!
And they keep on bugging me and it builds up inside, it builds up inside...
So you're gonna be institutionalized
You'll come out brainwashed with bloodshot eyes
You won't have any say
They'll brainwash you until you see their way
I'm not crazy - institutionalized
You're the one who's crazy - institutionalized
You're driving me crazy - institutionalized
They stuck me in an institution
Said it was the only solution
To give me the needed professional help
To protect me from the enemy, myself
I was sitting in my room, and I was like staring at the walls thinking about everything but then again I was thinking about nothing, and then my mom came in and I didn't notice she was there and she calls my name and I didn't hear her and then she started screaming:
- Mike, Mike!
And I go:
- What, what's the matter?
She goes:
- What's the matter with you?
I say:
- Nothing mom.
She goes:
- Don't tell me nothing, you're on drugs!
I go:
- No mom, I'm not on drugs, I'm ok, I'm just thinking, you know, why don't you get me a Pepsi?
She goes:
- No, you're on drugs, you're crazy, normal people won't be acting that way!
I go:
- Mom, I'm all right, I'm just thinking, you know, so why don't you, like give me a Pepsi?
And she goes:
- No, you're crazy!
All I wanted was a Pepsi, just one Pepsi, and she wouldn't give it to me, just one Pepsi...
They give you a white shirt with long sleeves
Tied around you're back, you're treated like thieves
Drug you up because they're lazy
It's too much work to help a crazy
I'm not crazy - institutionalized
You're the one who's crazy - institutionalized
You're driving me crazy - institutionalized
They stuck me in an institution
Said it was the only solution
To give me the needed professional help
To protect me from the enemy, myself
I was sitting in my room and my mom and my dad came in and they pulled up a chair and they sat down, they go:
- Mike, we need to talk to you.
And I said:
- Okay, what's the matter?
They go:
- Well me and your mom, we been noticing lately you've been having alot of problems, and you haven't been acting like yourself, and we're afraid that you're going to hurt somebody, and we're afraid that you're gonna hurt yourself, so we decided that it would be in your best interest if we put you somewhere where you could get the help that you need...
And I said:
- Wait, what are we talking about?! We decided?! My best interest?! How can you know, how can you say what my best interest is? What are you trying to say? I'm crazy? When I went to your schools, I went to your churches, I went to your institutional learning facilities. So how can you say that I'm crazy?
They say they're gonna fix my brain
Alleviate my suffering and my pain
But by the time they fix my head
Mentally I'll be dead
I'm not crazy - institutionalized
You're the one who's crazy - institutionalized
You're driving me crazy - institutionalized
They stuck me in an institution
Said it was the only solution
To give me the needed professional help
To protect me from the enemy, myself
It doesn't matter I'll probably get hit by a car anyway.
Retro Topic #1 (just letting my brain run - II)
Quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Bi" implies 2. In that, the term "Bisexual" would imply that there are only two sexes.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was just thinking about this...
I guess that maybe it doesn't really imply that there are only two sexes, but more that a person only prefers 2 of the existing sexes (of which I can't dare attempt to count. "continuum" works.).
Either way though, it's still a far cry from "Pansexual", in my book. "Pansexual" meaning "I'll screw a hippo if the lighting is right." (Mildly comical, but, you get the point. ;))
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Bi" implies 2. In that, the term "Bisexual" would imply that there are only two sexes.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was just thinking about this...
I guess that maybe it doesn't really imply that there are only two sexes, but more that a person only prefers 2 of the existing sexes (of which I can't dare attempt to count. "continuum" works.).
Either way though, it's still a far cry from "Pansexual", in my book. "Pansexual" meaning "I'll screw a hippo if the lighting is right." (Mildly comical, but, you get the point. ;))
Retro Topic #1 (just letting my brain run - I)
There's a difference between "sex" and "gender" (and sexuality). ...at least from what I've learned, and what I know. "Gender" is comprised of things like "masculine" and "feminine". "Sex" has to do with physical parts. I don't know that we all start out one gender... and I disagree that we all start out as one sex. Just because you can't see chromosomes doesn't mean that they're not there.
Both gender and sex are stereotypes. I think that's what makes all of this so tricky. Do they exist? Sure they do.... but they vary, depending on whom you ask.
I think that in calling oneself "Bisexual", it's more of an issue of identity than anything else. It's more about the label, and less about the practice. I've never met anyone who wouldn't be considered "Bisexual" by someone's definition, but I've met many who would not be considered a member of the GLBT community and who would not ever call themselves "Bi".
Both gender and sex are stereotypes. I think that's what makes all of this so tricky. Do they exist? Sure they do.... but they vary, depending on whom you ask.
I think that in calling oneself "Bisexual", it's more of an issue of identity than anything else. It's more about the label, and less about the practice. I've never met anyone who wouldn't be considered "Bisexual" by someone's definition, but I've met many who would not be considered a member of the GLBT community and who would not ever call themselves "Bi".
Friday, March 12, 2004
Retro Topic #1 (Pans are hot)
Retro topic posted 3/11/04:
What do YOU think the criteria for being bisexual is?
- Topic originally posted by Nv on 1/21/01
I'm still tossing this around in my head, but this is about where I'm at currently...
"Bi" implies 2. In that, the term "Bisexual" would imply that there are only two sexes. I disagree with this. What many refer to as "Bisexual", I would call "Pansexual". If "Bisexual" is used to mean that not only does one (sexually) prefer people of their own sex, but also people who are not, then I'm cool with that. "Bisexual" meaning that you are attracted to either sex is offensive to me. Either implies 2. There aren't only 2 sexes.
In my experience, "Bisexual" people are often not "open" when it comes to parts. For example, a woman with a penis would not be acceptable to them, even if they were attracted to her otherwise. That being the case, many "Bisexual" people are just that... BI... only open to two... stereotypical males and stereotypical females.
Too, parts and sex aside, "Bisexual" can also be a lifestyle... sort of like I see "Gay" and "Homosexual" as being potentially different things... being Bisexual is often not only about sex. It's about love and romance and companionship and, if a person is open about it, identity.
That said, although I think that everyone is born "Pansexual" in nature, identifying as "Bisexual" or "Pansexual" is something a person chooses to do (as well as acting on their desires is something they choose whether or not to do).
So, in my book, "Bisexual" can mean...
1) A person who is potentially sexually attracted to stereotypical male humans, and also potentially sexually attracted to stereotypical female humans.
2) A person who is potentially romantically attracted to stereotypical male humans, and also potentially romantically attracted to stereotypical female humans.
3) A person who not only (potentially) sexually prefers people of their own sex, but also people who are not.
4) A person who not only (potentially) romantically prefers people of their own sex, but also people who are not.
5) Another word for "Pansexual".
I'm Pansexual... but... if you buy me something, I might get sexual.
What do YOU think the criteria for being bisexual is?
- Topic originally posted by Nv on 1/21/01
I'm still tossing this around in my head, but this is about where I'm at currently...
"Bi" implies 2. In that, the term "Bisexual" would imply that there are only two sexes. I disagree with this. What many refer to as "Bisexual", I would call "Pansexual". If "Bisexual" is used to mean that not only does one (sexually) prefer people of their own sex, but also people who are not, then I'm cool with that. "Bisexual" meaning that you are attracted to either sex is offensive to me. Either implies 2. There aren't only 2 sexes.
In my experience, "Bisexual" people are often not "open" when it comes to parts. For example, a woman with a penis would not be acceptable to them, even if they were attracted to her otherwise. That being the case, many "Bisexual" people are just that... BI... only open to two... stereotypical males and stereotypical females.
Too, parts and sex aside, "Bisexual" can also be a lifestyle... sort of like I see "Gay" and "Homosexual" as being potentially different things... being Bisexual is often not only about sex. It's about love and romance and companionship and, if a person is open about it, identity.
That said, although I think that everyone is born "Pansexual" in nature, identifying as "Bisexual" or "Pansexual" is something a person chooses to do (as well as acting on their desires is something they choose whether or not to do).
So, in my book, "Bisexual" can mean...
1) A person who is potentially sexually attracted to stereotypical male humans, and also potentially sexually attracted to stereotypical female humans.
2) A person who is potentially romantically attracted to stereotypical male humans, and also potentially romantically attracted to stereotypical female humans.
3) A person who not only (potentially) sexually prefers people of their own sex, but also people who are not.
4) A person who not only (potentially) romantically prefers people of their own sex, but also people who are not.
5) Another word for "Pansexual".
I'm Pansexual... but... if you buy me something, I might get sexual.
Thursday, March 11, 2004
( What a God awful day!!!!!!!)
Must be something in the air. Had to pop a Xanax myself last night, and that's someting I rarely have to do anymore. (also "Parent" related.) I hear you about needing to stay away from the bottles.
Don't these "why me?" days suck? :\
Don't these "why me?" days suck? :\
How u b? (13)
Please be careful with Xanax, N. :( It's very addictive and one of the side effects is (often) feeling very angry/violent when it starts wearing off. I've had very negative experiences with it. I hope that it doesn't affect you in the same way.
Good luck with the IRS, CB. I did that for quite a while. It's a very good job, if you can deal with the bullshit that comes along with working for the government.
Good luck with the IRS, CB. I did that for quite a while. It's a very good job, if you can deal with the bullshit that comes along with working for the government.
Wednesday, March 10, 2004
Hello (19) - III, IV
@9:06am
Might try calling in a few. Jk's here. She wants me to hang with her today... end up in the city.
Brain is funky. I'm sure that you remember how wonderful of a person I am this time of year. I'm trying, but I'm just not a nice guy. :/
@4:11 PM
(Jk's drying her hair)
I really wouldn't count on us coming up.
I'll talk to you more about things when I have the privacy, but for now, really, don't count on it.
Might try calling in a few. Jk's here. She wants me to hang with her today... end up in the city.
Brain is funky. I'm sure that you remember how wonderful of a person I am this time of year. I'm trying, but I'm just not a nice guy. :/
@4:11 PM
(Jk's drying her hair)
I really wouldn't count on us coming up.
I'll talk to you more about things when I have the privacy, but for now, really, don't count on it.
Tuesday, March 9, 2004
(Snoood - V)
child - 14902
easy - 10365
medium - 14507
hard - 18516
evil - 28635
puzzle - 99127
journey - 75601
easy - 10365
medium - 14507
hard - 18516
evil - 28635
puzzle - 99127
journey - 75601
(Retro topics)
I was thinking about doing a "retro topic" series. What I mean by that is... every few days or so, re-post a topic from the library. Not the whole thread, just the original post.
Currently, there are a few people posting that weren't here when the board first started. Things that may have felt "talked to death" really are new again.
Currently, there are a few people posting that weren't here when the board first started. Things that may have felt "talked to death" really are new again.
What are you?
To answer the question: "I was wondering if anyone eles's race has had a major affect on their lives for better or worse?"...
Being white? I suppose I'm white. My skin is colored, but I put the colors there. When people look at me, they see a tattooed white guy. Has this been a benefit? No. In my little corner of the world, white guys are despised or looked down on by most... by Blacks and Browns and Reds and Yellows, most Women, and even a few White guys, just for being White Guys. White guys are the "bad guys". Privilege? What a crock of shit. Not in today's world. White guys are the scapegoat now. Doesn't matter what your life is about, or who you are, or what you believe in. If you're perceived as a white guy, you're guilty until proven innocent. I really don't give a flying fart that it used to be that, or that in many places it's still the fact that, the "minority" was/is guilty until proven innocent. It wasn't me who treated "minorities" that way. In my little corner of the world, it's the white guy who's "the devil", and so I'm seen as a devil. Then, it may have something to do with living in (predominantly black sections of) Philly, and surrounding myself with women and other "minorities".
Anyway, I always feel like I have to defend myself... prove myself to people... slap a banner on my head that reads "I'm not racist, not sexist, and not homophobic".
So, I'd consider that a bit negative.
Being white? I suppose I'm white. My skin is colored, but I put the colors there. When people look at me, they see a tattooed white guy. Has this been a benefit? No. In my little corner of the world, white guys are despised or looked down on by most... by Blacks and Browns and Reds and Yellows, most Women, and even a few White guys, just for being White Guys. White guys are the "bad guys". Privilege? What a crock of shit. Not in today's world. White guys are the scapegoat now. Doesn't matter what your life is about, or who you are, or what you believe in. If you're perceived as a white guy, you're guilty until proven innocent. I really don't give a flying fart that it used to be that, or that in many places it's still the fact that, the "minority" was/is guilty until proven innocent. It wasn't me who treated "minorities" that way. In my little corner of the world, it's the white guy who's "the devil", and so I'm seen as a devil. Then, it may have something to do with living in (predominantly black sections of) Philly, and surrounding myself with women and other "minorities".
Anyway, I always feel like I have to defend myself... prove myself to people... slap a banner on my head that reads "I'm not racist, not sexist, and not homophobic".
So, I'd consider that a bit negative.
Monday, March 8, 2004
Hello (19) - I
Rainy day. Feeling low, and reading those posts made me feel like shit.
I think she's having some serious self esteem issues from posting here. I'm thinking that she's feeling intimidated by a lot of the writing. Not that we have the same effect on her that say, Sk would, but just the same, I think that the language is a bit overwhelming. I don't think she sees it as purposeful, it's just making her focus on her own writing (and language) a lot, and she feels unable to express herself.
Not too sure what to say to her that I already haven't in the past. ...I don't feel very capable of being encouraging right now.
I think she's having some serious self esteem issues from posting here. I'm thinking that she's feeling intimidated by a lot of the writing. Not that we have the same effect on her that say, Sk would, but just the same, I think that the language is a bit overwhelming. I don't think she sees it as purposeful, it's just making her focus on her own writing (and language) a lot, and she feels unable to express herself.
Not too sure what to say to her that I already haven't in the past.
...I don't feel very capable of being encouraging right now.
Sunday, March 7, 2004
"New" Music - (11b)
Re: Nancy Falkow
I completely fell in love with her voice. She was pretty hot aesthetically too though. ;) (ok, I was a bit of a panting puppy...but...)
Sad. I think it was a perfect example of "video killed the radio star". She just wasn't anorexic.
I completely fell in love with her voice. She was pretty hot aesthetically too though. ;) (ok, I was a bit of a panting puppy...but...)
Sad. I think it was a perfect example of "video killed the radio star". She just wasn't anorexic.
(Old Video Game Favorites?)
Pinball was always my favorite. There was a machine called "Black Knight" that was my absolute favorite.
My favorite "old school" arcade game? Star Castle. I could kick butt on that one. ;)
..but then, there was Crazy Climber...
My favorite "old school" arcade game? Star Castle. I could kick butt on that one. ;)
..but then, there was Crazy Climber...
March 7, 2004
Having a Pabst. Very tasty. Been craving this all day.
Have to make sure to work out tomorrow. Really want to get back to the place of working out an hour every other day. Not sure what it's going to take to get there though. Right now, I'm lucky if I manage 10 minutes every 3 days.
BuRp
Have to make sure to work out tomorrow. Really want to get back to the place of working out an hour every other day. Not sure what it's going to take to get there though. Right now, I'm lucky if I manage 10 minutes every 3 days.
BuRp
"New" Music - (11a)
Nancy Falkow
Yet another (one time) friend of mine. Got to know her around '92 or '93. Very nice person. Incredible voice. Worth buying anything she puts out.
(site)
Samples available at Amazon/CD Now
Yet another (one time) friend of mine. Got to know her around '92 or '93. Very nice person. Incredible voice. Worth buying anything she puts out.
(site)
Samples available at Amazon/CD Now
Hello (18) - XVI
I'll try calling in a few. Think that I'm going to do more hiding myself today. If I don't get you, just post and let me know what you're up to and I'll try later on.
If I don't get you, just post and let me know what you're up to and I'll try later on.
Saturday, March 6, 2004
Your Mission
...should you choose to accept it... is...
to learn these songs. It's been decided that you need to be the singer in me and Jk's band. (Jk's playing guitar, and I'm playing Bass)
Here's your set list. :D
Ozzy - S.A.T.O.
Bowie - Running Gun Blues
Heart - Barracuda
Stevie Nicks - White Winged Dove
Prince - Baby I'm a Star
Motorhead - Ace of Spades
Madonna - Like A Virgin
Sophie B Hawkins - Damn, I Wish I Was Your Lover
Dolly Parton - 9 to 5
Beatles - She's So Heavy
Bonnie Rait - I Can't Make You Love Me
No name yet. Don't worry about thinking you can't sing, just learn the songs. :D
to learn these songs. It's been decided that you need to be the singer in me and Jk's band. (Jk's playing guitar, and I'm playing Bass)
Here's your set list. :D
Ozzy - S.A.T.O.
Bowie - Running Gun Blues
Heart - Barracuda
Stevie Nicks - White Winged Dove
Prince - Baby I'm a Star
Motorhead - Ace of Spades
Madonna - Like A Virgin
Sophie B Hawkins - Damn, I Wish I Was Your Lover
Dolly Parton - 9 to 5
Beatles - She's So Heavy
Bonnie Rait - I Can't Make You Love Me
No name yet. Don't worry about thinking you can't sing, just learn the songs. :D
Voucher
So.... if we write off Dragon Con....
Maybe you could come down in April, June, and August?
More than that?
Want to start planning for April?
Maybe you could come down in April, June, and August?
More than that?
Want to start planning for April?
I finally saw the fishy film!!!!!!!
It took quite a while, but... I finally got to see it. (Thanks bro! )
I now have yet another movie to add to my favorites!
)I now have yet another movie to add to my favorites!
Friday, March 5, 2004
Hello (18) - XIII
S. is still here.
I'm BEYOND tired.
My guess is that when he leaves, I'll go to bed immediately.
I'll call in the morning.
I'm BEYOND tired.
My guess is that when he leaves, I'll go to bed immediately.
I'll call in the morning.
Dragon Con 2004 (w/A2 - 15)
4317 hours
The budget trip:
$300 for the hotel (amenities & tax included)
Train - 0 (I'll bring bottled water)
Tips - 30
Room shtuff - 30
food - 100 (burritos are fine)
That would mean I'd only need $460 to go (rather than the $700)
I'm really tempted to say "fuck the couch". I really want to see Sv (his tail is all fluffy ) and I have a feeling that if we cancel, we'll really regret it.
I think that I'd keep it quiet though. No plans with CB, no waiting on answers from anyone else.
If I do move, I might get my security deposit back. I can get a couch with that.
What's your thinking on it?
The budget trip:
$300 for the hotel (amenities & tax included)
Train - 0 (I'll bring bottled water)
Tips - 30
Room shtuff - 30
food - 100 (burritos are fine)
That would mean I'd only need $460 to go (rather than the $700)
I'm really tempted to say "fuck the couch". I really want to see Sv (his tail is all fluffy
) and I have a feeling that if we cancel, we'll really regret it.I think that I'd keep it quiet though. No plans with CB, no waiting on answers from anyone else.
If I do move, I might get my security deposit back. I can get a couch with that.
What's your thinking on it?
Hello (18) - XII
My schedule is really fucked up. I've been up since about 3.
I'm drinking decaf... hoping that I can go back to bed in a little while, then get back up at around 10 or so... in time to be ready for S. The kick in the ass will be that if Jk comes up, it'll completely put me back off track. Wish I could feel safe sleeping while she's here. :(
I'm drinking decaf... hoping that I can go back to bed in a little while, then get back up at around 10 or so... in time to be ready for S. The kick in the ass will be that if Jk comes up, it'll completely put me back off track. Wish I could feel safe sleeping while she's here. :(
Thursday, March 4, 2004
Hello (18) - XI
I feel like I'm going to pass out in a matter of minutes.
Post when you go to bed so that if I wake back up I can call, if you're still up.
this sux
Post when you go to bed so that if I wake back up I can call, if you're still up.
this sux
Wednesday, March 3, 2004
"New" Music - (10)
Speaking of losing friends...
Well, it's a completely different sort of "losing"... but it still makes me sort of sad. I made friends with a woman named "Chloe" back in '95. She had a really cool band called "Transisters", and every time they played, I'd be there like a loyal puppy. It was pretty flattering fun, she had a bit of a crush on me, and I on her, but too, I really did like the music a lot.
Here's a link to the one place online that I managed to track down the CD - www.buymusichere.net/rel/v2_viewupc.php?storenr=53&upc=trn1000cd..
It's really worth getting if you like "punk" or hardcore... and can deal with a lot of gender related angst.
(tracks are:
Horses To Heroin
Carolina Vagina
Boy/Girl?
Transie.Chaser (this one's completely insane!)
Lotsa Glamour
Glamorous Boys
Kaposis Koverstick)
I forget the whole dramatic story as to why things weren't going too well with the band, but I'm pretty sure that they broke up sometime in '96. (Damn shame!) I wish I could track Chloe down. She's probably still in NYC somewhere, but unless she's in another band, and that band happens to play Philly while I'm somewhere they're playing... well... chances are pretty slim. :(
Well, it's a completely different sort of "losing"... but it still makes me sort of sad. I made friends with a woman named "Chloe" back in '95. She had a really cool band called "Transisters", and every time they played, I'd be there like a loyal puppy. It was pretty flattering fun, she had a bit of a crush on me, and I on her, but too, I really did like the music a lot.
Here's a link to the one place online that I managed to track down the CD - www.buymusichere.net/rel/v2_viewupc.php?storenr=53&upc=trn1000cd..
It's really worth getting if you like "punk" or hardcore... and can deal with a lot of gender related angst.
(tracks are:
Horses To Heroin
Carolina Vagina
Boy/Girl?
Transie.Chaser (this one's completely insane!)
Lotsa Glamour
Glamorous Boys
Kaposis Koverstick)
I forget the whole dramatic story as to why things weren't going too well with the band, but I'm pretty sure that they broke up sometime in '96. (Damn shame!) I wish I could track Chloe down. She's probably still in NYC somewhere, but unless she's in another band, and that band happens to play Philly while I'm somewhere they're playing... well... chances are pretty slim. :(
Hello (18) - IX
Bass man came up for a chat (of course, right as SVU started ). He said that "his old lady" will be talking to the apartment manager today, and that he's going to start calling the cops if #4 doesn't get the volume down by 10PM. He said he talked to some of his "constable friends" and they told him to call. I told him I didn't like dealing with cops (of course, he's an ex-con and has cop friends), which is why I hadn't called so far.
He seems off and ok at the same time. Not someone I'd want to have snap on me, but not big and scary either. Honestly, if I were 10 - 15 years older, we'd look very much alike.
Life is strange... you never know when you'll end up having a 20 minute conversation in your underwear with an ex-con.
Shoot... as long as the damn music stops, it's all good.
). He said that "his old lady" will be talking to the apartment manager today, and that he's going to start calling the cops if #4 doesn't get the volume down by 10PM. He said he talked to some of his "constable friends" and they told him to call. I told him I didn't like dealing with cops (of course, he's an ex-con and has cop friends), which is why I hadn't called so far.He seems off and ok at the same time. Not someone I'd want to have snap on me, but not big and scary either. Honestly, if I were 10 - 15 years older, we'd look very much alike.
Life is strange... you never know when you'll end up having a 20 minute conversation in your underwear with an ex-con.
Shoot... as long as the damn music stops, it's all good.
Tuesday, March 2, 2004
Hello (18) - VIII
I'm really tired. Think I might end up (with earplugs) hiding in bed. I hope I make it to SVU.
I'm sorry that you're not feeling that great. I know that it's stressful, but on the up side, at least things will get settled soon. Hopefully I can be the little bugger on your shoulder encouraging to stand your ground in there. Don't play it off like everything is ok, just to not make waves. Everything is not ok. This is for (your son). He deserves the same security as his father has. (So do you, but that's not what this whole thing is about... and I know you know that.)
Stay angry. ;)
I'm sorry that you're not feeling that great.
I know that it's stressful, but on the up side, at least things will get settled soon. Hopefully I can be the little bugger on your shoulder encouraging to stand your ground in there. Don't play it off like everything is ok, just to not make waves. Everything is not ok. This is for (your son). He deserves the same security as his father has. (So do you, but that's not what this whole thing is about... and I know you know that.)Stay angry. ;)
Notta Con - II
I'm looking forward to it. I had some previous reservations about going because of being (basically) trashed in that community by certain people, but I guess I'm just to the point of saying "hey! wait a fucking minute! It's my community too!"
Anyway, I'm thinking that it might be a good time. It's only one (weekend) day, really, so it's not a lot of time for people to have to take off from work. Philly is pretty easy to navigate too, it's walker friendly. :)
Maybe I'll be buff enough to wear a beagle beater by then! *lol* (It can be pretty damn hot in June!)
Anyway, I'm thinking that it might be a good time. It's only one (weekend) day, really, so it's not a lot of time for people to have to take off from work. Philly is pretty easy to navigate too, it's walker friendly. :)
Maybe I'll be buff enough to wear a beagle beater by then! *lol* (It can be pretty damn hot in June!)
Dragon Con 2004 (w/A2 - 14)
182 days
Well, I suppose this is it.
www.dragoncon.org/atlanta/hotels.html
I suppose it couldn't hurt to make reservations, just in case. I don't know that there's a penalty for cancelling. On my end, if I quit smoking, it's possible that I could save up enough for the short trip (and still be ok with moving if I get the chance to).
I have 24 hours to make a decision about that.
I'm not putting the ball entirely in your court, but I just want us both to be 100% sure. If things blow up in our face in other areas of our life, we might be miffed by September if we blew our chance at going.
Well, I suppose this is it.
www.dragoncon.org/atlanta/hotels.html
I suppose it couldn't hurt to make reservations, just in case. I don't know that there's a penalty for cancelling. On my end, if I quit smoking, it's possible that I could save up enough for the short trip (and still be ok with moving if I get the chance to).
I have 24 hours to make a decision about that.
I'm not putting the ball entirely in your court, but I just want us both to be 100% sure. If things blow up in our face in other areas of our life, we might be miffed by September if we blew our chance at going.
Your bro the psycho
I don't know what it is about the sound of her voice, but I completely lose it if I hear it. I had to answer the phone because I'm waiting on hearing about that house. True, at least now I know not to answer the phone if that number comes up, but it was enough to remind me never to be too secure in my sanity.
I didn't say anything to her, just hung up when I heard her voice, but I'm still worked up about it.
I don't know that this is ever going to change about me. I should listen to my shrink and just make sure that I have no contact at all with her, and stop doubting myself about the whole thing... but it's tough... there's always a part of me that wants to hope that things will change one day.
I just don't want to end up locked up some day because I killed my mother.
I didn't say anything to her, just hung up when I heard her voice, but I'm still worked up about it.
I don't know that this is ever going to change about me. I should listen to my shrink and just make sure that I have no contact at all with her, and stop doubting myself about the whole thing... but it's tough... there's always a part of me that wants to hope that things will change one day.
I just don't want to end up locked up some day because I killed my mother.
Monday, March 1, 2004
Notta Con - I
The LGBT Pride Parade and Festival is held every year in June during International Gay Pride Month. I haven't been to one since I burned tar out of the city in '98.
I'm going this year, I don't care if I have to crawl there.
For those here that fall into the LGBT category, it'd be a great event to travel to Philly for. For those who don't, it'd still be a great event to travel to Philly for. ;)
Let me know if you're interested. As June approaches, I'll know more about my own situation, and whether or not I can offer up any floor space. I'll also be able to post dates and more info.
Special note to Jk - :b
Special note to A2 - I'll meet you at the station. ;)
I'm going this year, I don't care if I have to crawl there.
For those here that fall into the LGBT category, it'd be a great event to travel to Philly for. For those who don't, it'd still be a great event to travel to Philly for. ;)
Let me know if you're interested. As June approaches, I'll know more about my own situation, and whether or not I can offer up any floor space. I'll also be able to post dates and more info.
Special note to Jk - :b
Special note to A2 - I'll meet you at the station. ;)
Under my clothing... (4)
ummmm
Height: 65.5 inches
Weight: 145 pounds
(in inches)
-------------
wrist: 6.25
neck: 14.5
chest: 35.5
waist: 33
hip ("A" is for...): 35.5
bicep: 12
forearm: 10.5
thigh: 22
calf: 14
Height: 65.5 inches
Weight: 145 pounds
(in inches)
-------------
wrist: 6.25
neck: 14.5
chest: 35.5
waist: 33
hip ("A" is for...): 35.5
bicep: 12
forearm: 10.5
thigh: 22
calf: 14
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