Spent some time reading... my head's in a weird spot from it... years... years go by... memories fade... hide... Perhaps we hide things from ourselves. Perhaps.
I turn 36 in a few weeks. I was just about to turn 30 when I started this journey into cyberville. Wish I could get the brain back to being as healthy as it was then.... wish I could just get the brain healthy, period.
I used to laugh a lot more often. Now, all I do is growl.
Knowing isn't half the battle. Knowing makes me angrier.
I don't know how to fix this.
I need a drink.
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
~Today
I'm in a weird spot.... going in and out of feeling enraged, and feeling apathetic.
The world is a fucked up place.
Maybe I just see it that way, I don't know. It's all perspective, I suppose.... all perspective.
The world is a fucked up place.
Maybe I just see it that way, I don't know. It's all perspective, I suppose.... all perspective.
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
(Katrina ~ conversation)
From "BACK OFF" ~comments.
post date: 08.30.05 2:18 pm)
no one blames someone taking the minimum they need when nothing else is available. unfortunately, this isn't what is occuring in many instances. you see people taking carts and sacks and filling them up with whatever they can find of value. the act of exploiting tragedy has long been one of the most universally condemned acts possible by human beings. when someone is looking just for medical care and bread deserves not punishment or moral judgement. someone carrying out digital cameras and tv sets deserves both!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
post date: 08.30.05 (2:25 pm)
How exactly can one expoit one's own tragedy?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
post date: 08.30.05 (2:49 pm)
The ethics here aren't difficult. Are you suggesting that being a victim of a hurrican creates a right for the victim to further victimize other victims of the same tragedy?
First, New Orleans was under an evacuation order including having provided a safe location for everyone who could not evacuate for whatever reason. The order was irresponsibly ignored by thousands. Ironically, the people who ignored the evacuation order now are engaging in a good portion of the looting. It is widely known that many people hang around during big storms for the express purpose of looting immediately after the storm has passed.
Second, being a victim of a flood does not give you the right to steal your neighbors television set or to raid a local store of their products.
Third, the fact that a tragedy involves your own loss does not change the heinousness of the act of calous exploitation of your fellow citizens.
Fourth, businesses will likely recover only a fraction of their losses via insurance payments. Every single item that can be salvaged will be critical for many small business owners who are typically hit the hardest by looters. Many business owners will lose everything they have and insurance will not even pay enough for them to ever dream of rebuilding their places of businesses. New Orleans will suffer a massive rise in unemployment for at least 24 months partially resulting from the loss of small business jobs that went under with the hurricane.
So, that's how a person can exploit a tragedy that is their own tragedy.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
post date: 08.30.05 (3:07 pm)
I think that we have two different perspectives on this, and that's ok by me.
I'm coming at it from the angle of being poor, often discriminated against, unemployed/unemployable, disabled, often homeless and having REALLY shitty luck in life.
To me, the way I see it, no business owner will be hurt any worse than the people looting already are.
Looting houses? That's not what I'm talkng about here. I'm talking about grocery stores and drug stores, which are what the media are reporting about, and where the cops and soldiers are posted with shotguns.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
post date: 08.30.05 (4:38 pm)
Fair enough. I still strongly disagree and believe you are arguing from emotino without any ethical base from which to support your view of the situation. I would guess most of people looting aren't any worse off than you or I or the owners and employees of the stores they are robbing.
Also, I've watched hours and hours of the coverage and I've seen very little hyper focus on the looting and it isn't primarily the grocery stores that are being protected -- it is the stores where there are high potential for larger loses. Pharmacies are a natural target -- not because people need medication but because they can get thousands of dollars of street value controlled substances and leave with it in their pockets! lol!
This isn't human compassion issue! It is a human decency issue.
I just searched for pics on looters on google and 90% of them are carrying TV's, radios, and other types of high value items. I saw not a single picture of someone simply carrying some food in a bag to feed their kids. In fact, it seems they leave food so that they can carry more stuff!!!
Not an important point to me, either way. I just thought your righteous indignation was a little misplaced.
Ciao'! :-)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
post date: 08.30.05 (4:49 pm)
Actually, I am pretty bad off, and I've been worse off, very recently.
Yes, this WAS an emotional outburst. A "rant", if you will.
In your browsing of photos, did you happen to notice the COLOR of the people looting? How about the color of most of the people in most of the pictures?
To me, this societal judgement is all about race and class.
Sometimes, when you're one of the "Have Nots" in America, with an income under $10,000 a year... and you've had it up to your eyeballs with being spit on... and then everything gets even worse, you don't give a rats ass about poor pooky who lost his store.
Let them steal the damn drugs. The Haves can call it amnesty.
I call it giving people a damn break.
Yes. Very emotional.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
post date: 08.30.05 (5:10 pm)
Have you ever been to downtown New Orleans? It's about 75% black so it is no surprise that the pics show blacks looting in downtown New Orleans. Race has nothing to do with it for me nor does this particular context. The fact is that it is no less wrong to steal from your neighbor after a hurricane than it is to steal from them any other time. To suggest otherwise is just nonsensical and misplaced compassion. Now, I just watched a news report that went to great pains to point out that many were simply taking food and supplies for survival. I agree with you that this is very different. Why can't you agree that taking a TV set is just plain wrong? I'm not saying these people are evil -- I'm just saying its a sad human commentary -- that's all. Your Marxist view of social justice is noted and understood, by me anyway. Your latent anger at anyone who happens to succeed at something is also pretty transparent. I have no issue with that either. Its your issue.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
post date: 08.30.05 (5:34 pm)
Yes, it's my issue.... and this is my blog, where I can vent on those issues. Sometimes, I need to vent. It doesn't matter whether it's logical to anyone else or not. I need to blow off steam.
I don't know that I can say that it's wrong to take the tv set. I find it completely understandable.
I didn't think that Robin Hood was wrong either.
I find it to be a sad human commentary that people have had it so bad that they have the need to steal tv sets.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
post date: 08.30.05 (5:57 pm)
yes, its your blog, i quite understand that... i thought you might quite enjoy having a go 'round with me regarding the nuances of this issue that can be seen from many viable angles, as you and i have proven here in this little debate.
i enjoyed the debate... i'm sorry you didn't :-)
what we agree very strongly about is that this is a terrible human tragedy and that we should all focus on compassion rather not judgement. the looting is no surprise and is a minor part of the overall economic impact for us all.
oh, and nobody needs to steal tv sets! (couldn't resist) :-)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
post date: 08.30.05 (6:17 pm)
:p
"what we agree very strongly about is that this is a terrible human tragedy and that we should all focus on compassion rather not judgement."
This is true.
Thanks for the conversation. I do enjoy that. ;)
post date: 08.30.05 2:18 pm)
no one blames someone taking the minimum they need when nothing else is available. unfortunately, this isn't what is occuring in many instances. you see people taking carts and sacks and filling them up with whatever they can find of value. the act of exploiting tragedy has long been one of the most universally condemned acts possible by human beings. when someone is looking just for medical care and bread deserves not punishment or moral judgement. someone carrying out digital cameras and tv sets deserves both!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
post date: 08.30.05 (2:25 pm)
How exactly can one expoit one's own tragedy?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
post date: 08.30.05 (2:49 pm)
The ethics here aren't difficult. Are you suggesting that being a victim of a hurrican creates a right for the victim to further victimize other victims of the same tragedy?
First, New Orleans was under an evacuation order including having provided a safe location for everyone who could not evacuate for whatever reason. The order was irresponsibly ignored by thousands. Ironically, the people who ignored the evacuation order now are engaging in a good portion of the looting. It is widely known that many people hang around during big storms for the express purpose of looting immediately after the storm has passed.
Second, being a victim of a flood does not give you the right to steal your neighbors television set or to raid a local store of their products.
Third, the fact that a tragedy involves your own loss does not change the heinousness of the act of calous exploitation of your fellow citizens.
Fourth, businesses will likely recover only a fraction of their losses via insurance payments. Every single item that can be salvaged will be critical for many small business owners who are typically hit the hardest by looters. Many business owners will lose everything they have and insurance will not even pay enough for them to ever dream of rebuilding their places of businesses. New Orleans will suffer a massive rise in unemployment for at least 24 months partially resulting from the loss of small business jobs that went under with the hurricane.
So, that's how a person can exploit a tragedy that is their own tragedy.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
post date: 08.30.05 (3:07 pm)
I think that we have two different perspectives on this, and that's ok by me.
I'm coming at it from the angle of being poor, often discriminated against, unemployed/unemployable, disabled, often homeless and having REALLY shitty luck in life.
To me, the way I see it, no business owner will be hurt any worse than the people looting already are.
Looting houses? That's not what I'm talkng about here. I'm talking about grocery stores and drug stores, which are what the media are reporting about, and where the cops and soldiers are posted with shotguns.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
post date: 08.30.05 (4:38 pm)
Fair enough. I still strongly disagree and believe you are arguing from emotino without any ethical base from which to support your view of the situation. I would guess most of people looting aren't any worse off than you or I or the owners and employees of the stores they are robbing.
Also, I've watched hours and hours of the coverage and I've seen very little hyper focus on the looting and it isn't primarily the grocery stores that are being protected -- it is the stores where there are high potential for larger loses. Pharmacies are a natural target -- not because people need medication but because they can get thousands of dollars of street value controlled substances and leave with it in their pockets! lol!
This isn't human compassion issue! It is a human decency issue.
I just searched for pics on looters on google and 90% of them are carrying TV's, radios, and other types of high value items. I saw not a single picture of someone simply carrying some food in a bag to feed their kids. In fact, it seems they leave food so that they can carry more stuff!!!
Not an important point to me, either way. I just thought your righteous indignation was a little misplaced.
Ciao'! :-)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
post date: 08.30.05 (4:49 pm)
Actually, I am pretty bad off, and I've been worse off, very recently.
Yes, this WAS an emotional outburst. A "rant", if you will.
In your browsing of photos, did you happen to notice the COLOR of the people looting? How about the color of most of the people in most of the pictures?
To me, this societal judgement is all about race and class.
Sometimes, when you're one of the "Have Nots" in America, with an income under $10,000 a year... and you've had it up to your eyeballs with being spit on... and then everything gets even worse, you don't give a rats ass about poor pooky who lost his store.
Let them steal the damn drugs. The Haves can call it amnesty.
I call it giving people a damn break.
Yes. Very emotional.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
post date: 08.30.05 (5:10 pm)
Have you ever been to downtown New Orleans? It's about 75% black so it is no surprise that the pics show blacks looting in downtown New Orleans. Race has nothing to do with it for me nor does this particular context. The fact is that it is no less wrong to steal from your neighbor after a hurricane than it is to steal from them any other time. To suggest otherwise is just nonsensical and misplaced compassion. Now, I just watched a news report that went to great pains to point out that many were simply taking food and supplies for survival. I agree with you that this is very different. Why can't you agree that taking a TV set is just plain wrong? I'm not saying these people are evil -- I'm just saying its a sad human commentary -- that's all. Your Marxist view of social justice is noted and understood, by me anyway. Your latent anger at anyone who happens to succeed at something is also pretty transparent. I have no issue with that either. Its your issue.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
post date: 08.30.05 (5:34 pm)
Yes, it's my issue.... and this is my blog, where I can vent on those issues. Sometimes, I need to vent. It doesn't matter whether it's logical to anyone else or not. I need to blow off steam.
I don't know that I can say that it's wrong to take the tv set. I find it completely understandable.
I didn't think that Robin Hood was wrong either.
I find it to be a sad human commentary that people have had it so bad that they have the need to steal tv sets.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
post date: 08.30.05 (5:57 pm)
yes, its your blog, i quite understand that... i thought you might quite enjoy having a go 'round with me regarding the nuances of this issue that can be seen from many viable angles, as you and i have proven here in this little debate.
i enjoyed the debate... i'm sorry you didn't :-)
what we agree very strongly about is that this is a terrible human tragedy and that we should all focus on compassion rather not judgement. the looting is no surprise and is a minor part of the overall economic impact for us all.
oh, and nobody needs to steal tv sets! (couldn't resist) :-)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
post date: 08.30.05 (6:17 pm)
:p
"what we agree very strongly about is that this is a terrible human tragedy and that we should all focus on compassion rather not judgement."
This is true.
Thanks for the conversation. I do enjoy that. ;)
083005 ~comment & reply
(from "Son of a BITCH")
Yeah I have also learned a very hard lesson to write my posts in word and then coy them over to ~blog when I am done, so as not to lose them! I am sorry for your loss, I know it sucks!
My reply:
Usually do that. I can't even tell you how many times I learned this lesson. :\ I was mad... Irate, actually. I just slammed the little button, and - bye bye.
I feel better, having ranted. It's just a shame I lost some good writing.
Yeah I have also learned a very hard lesson to write my posts in word and then coy them over to ~blog when I am done, so as not to lose them! I am sorry for your loss, I know it sucks!
My reply:
Usually do that. I can't even tell you how many times I learned this lesson. :\ I was mad... Irate, actually. I just slammed the little button, and - bye bye.
I feel better, having ranted. It's just a shame I lost some good writing.
~Son of a BITCH
I just spent an hour writing an entry.
~Blog ate it.
FUCK!!!!!!
This site makes me NUTS!!!!!!!
~Blog ate it.
FUCK!!!!!!
This site makes me NUTS!!!!!!!
~BACK OFF
LEAVE THE "LOOTERS" ALONE!!!!
For fuck's sake!!! These people, who didn't have jack shit to begin with, just lost EVERYTHING!!! Shops are insured, and they'll just have to throw the shit out anyway!!!! Let the people take their meds, and a goddamned can of tunafish, you heartless bastards!!!!
...and let me add... let them take a damn tv too. Maybe they can watch their home floating into the next State on it... or maybe they can sell it to pay for the antibiotics they'll need in a month, after living in that water! Maybe they can even sell it and put the money towards a casket for one of their friends or relatives.
... getting more riled.
For fuck's sake!!! These people, who didn't have jack shit to begin with, just lost EVERYTHING!!! Shops are insured, and they'll just have to throw the shit out anyway!!!! Let the people take their meds, and a goddamned can of tunafish, you heartless bastards!!!!
...and let me add... let them take a damn tv too. Maybe they can watch their home floating into the next State on it... or maybe they can sell it to pay for the antibiotics they'll need in a month, after living in that water! Maybe they can even sell it and put the money towards a casket for one of their friends or relatives.
... getting more riled.
~Round and Round
The more "popular" your blog is, the less you can really write honestly. One by one, people will get their feelings hurt... they'll read into what you're saying and take it personal. Before you know it, you change your style of writing... and eventually, you write less and less. You get tired of apologizing to people... or having to explain everything you write... or having reassure people. Yes, eventually, you start considering a new site... and eventually you'll find one... and you'll write... and the same thing will happen there, eventually.
It's not just about popularity though, it's about having to spend your online life walking on eggshells, because everyone is so damn sensitive and insecure. There are only so many egos a person can nurse.
All this crap comes up again and again, in my life. I feel like I'm surrounded by leeches. (See, you're taking that personally, aren't you?)
Thing is, I'm not surrounded by leeches. I'm Cutter. I'm paranoid. I always see the worst in people, and if I can't see it, I find something to project onto them.
It's my own insecurity that's the problem. I see the worst in myself, often. I'll start to spiral... and if someone gets in there while I'm spiralling, they'll bring me all the way down, fast.
Sometimes I drink. Sometimes I have to... I have to hide... from myself... from the world... from the ugliness... from the paranoia...
The world is full of assholes. That's the problem. The minute you "lighten up" and start giving people credit, an asshole blows shit all over you, and you end up taking all that credit back.
Yes, just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean people aren't out to get me. This is true. The problem is, sometimes they're not... and I usually err on the side of caution.
Soon, the hurricane will pass. Katrina. I had a girlfriend named Katrina. I loved her very much. I destroyed that relationship, just like most of the others... unintentionally. Often, I miss her. Miss... right... what is it I miss... the idealized relationship, or what could have been? It's over now. It ended for a reason. Must stay present. Must not spiral. Must stay out of the hurricane.
It's not just about popularity though, it's about having to spend your online life walking on eggshells, because everyone is so damn sensitive and insecure. There are only so many egos a person can nurse.
All this crap comes up again and again, in my life. I feel like I'm surrounded by leeches. (See, you're taking that personally, aren't you?)
Thing is, I'm not surrounded by leeches. I'm Cutter. I'm paranoid. I always see the worst in people, and if I can't see it, I find something to project onto them.
It's my own insecurity that's the problem. I see the worst in myself, often. I'll start to spiral... and if someone gets in there while I'm spiralling, they'll bring me all the way down, fast.
Sometimes I drink. Sometimes I have to... I have to hide... from myself... from the world... from the ugliness... from the paranoia...
The world is full of assholes. That's the problem. The minute you "lighten up" and start giving people credit, an asshole blows shit all over you, and you end up taking all that credit back.
Yes, just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean people aren't out to get me. This is true. The problem is, sometimes they're not... and I usually err on the side of caution.
Soon, the hurricane will pass. Katrina. I had a girlfriend named Katrina. I loved her very much. I destroyed that relationship, just like most of the others... unintentionally. Often, I miss her. Miss... right... what is it I miss... the idealized relationship, or what could have been? It's over now. It ended for a reason. Must stay present. Must not spiral. Must stay out of the hurricane.
Monday, August 29, 2005
~Katrina
Spending the day watching MSNBC... watching the craziness of it all.
To any of you from Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, Florida, and the rest of this hurricane's path... my thoughts are with you. I wish you the best of luck. :(
To any of you from Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, Florida, and the rest of this hurricane's path... my thoughts are with you. I wish you the best of luck. :(
082905 ~Comment
(in "Desperate, but not serious.")
i think i have typed a line of two in ~blurt like maybe once or twice, when pissed off of course. granted occasionally i'll see a conversation going on in there, depending on who's online, but mostly it is "i'll comment if you comment!" which definately reeks of desperation. and desperation isn't a turn on for me. unless of course said desperate person is tied up and begging me to stop. then it can be pretty cool.
my reply:
lmao
Bottom: Beat me! Beat me!
True Sadist: No!
I guess my stance on the "Read me! Read me!" thing says a bit about me.
i think i have typed a line of two in ~blurt like maybe once or twice, when pissed off of course. granted occasionally i'll see a conversation going on in there, depending on who's online, but mostly it is "i'll comment if you comment!" which definately reeks of desperation. and desperation isn't a turn on for me. unless of course said desperate person is tied up and begging me to stop. then it can be pretty cool.
my reply:
lmao
Bottom: Beat me! Beat me!
True Sadist: No!
I guess my stance on the "Read me! Read me!" thing says a bit about me.
Sunday, August 28, 2005
eew
There's a reason why free food is free.
The turkey is full of ground bones.
Wasted a perfectly good can of Manwich too.
The turkey is full of ground bones.
Wasted a perfectly good can of Manwich too.
082805 ~Comment reply
I replied:
I often think of t-shirts. I have a zillion one liners for them. I think that my favorite is "I don't know what part of "There's something wrong with my brain!" they didn't get."
:\
(In the "Vain Brain" entry. in reply to something someone had said about my MRI images.)
I often think of t-shirts. I have a zillion one liners for them. I think that my favorite is "I don't know what part of "There's something wrong with my brain!" they didn't get."
:\
(In the "Vain Brain" entry. in reply to something someone had said about my MRI images.)
~Desperate, but not serious.
It's more of a reading morning than a writing morning, I suppose. Spent some time reading people's blogs. I'm weird like that, it seems. I actually do read people's blogs, rather than hopping around playing comment tag.
Spent some time, yesterday, on "~blurt". It was a first for me, as I've had my fill of IM and Chat room types of things. I can't keep up too well, and I have too much trouble holding my tounge... so to speak. From what I could gather, people use ~blurt to get people to come to their blogs. I never click on names I see in ~blurt. Honestly, "please read my blog" comes off as "desperate" to me, and I figure that if someone is that desperate, there must be a reason why. If their blog is that good, they wouldn't have to beg for hits, right? If someone wants me to come to their blog, all they have to do is come to mine and leave a (preferably honest and respectful) comment or two. That will get them repeated hits, rather than just one, because I might actually add them to my list of blogs I read often.
Although I sometimes use the newest posted blog list, and click on blogs there (if the title intrigues me) it's just the way I usually do it... I read the comments of others, then click on their profile, if their comment is intelligent. I do it on my own blog, and I do it on others' blogs. It's like following a trail of "like minds", rather than risking being pissed off all day because of reading something offensive, or seeing something offensive. I guess my blood pressure is just a little too high to be jumping off of cyber cliffs... and I have very raw nerves.
Spent some time, yesterday, on "~blurt". It was a first for me, as I've had my fill of IM and Chat room types of things. I can't keep up too well, and I have too much trouble holding my tounge... so to speak. From what I could gather, people use ~blurt to get people to come to their blogs. I never click on names I see in ~blurt. Honestly, "please read my blog" comes off as "desperate" to me, and I figure that if someone is that desperate, there must be a reason why. If their blog is that good, they wouldn't have to beg for hits, right? If someone wants me to come to their blog, all they have to do is come to mine and leave a (preferably honest and respectful) comment or two. That will get them repeated hits, rather than just one, because I might actually add them to my list of blogs I read often.
Although I sometimes use the newest posted blog list, and click on blogs there (if the title intrigues me) it's just the way I usually do it... I read the comments of others, then click on their profile, if their comment is intelligent. I do it on my own blog, and I do it on others' blogs. It's like following a trail of "like minds", rather than risking being pissed off all day because of reading something offensive, or seeing something offensive. I guess my blood pressure is just a little too high to be jumping off of cyber cliffs... and I have very raw nerves.
Saturday, August 27, 2005
082705 ~comment
(I commented in "Here we go")
I'm going back and forth between goofy & lucid, and completely "off". :\
I'm going back and forth between goofy & lucid, and completely "off". :\
~Here we go
There's something in the air, and I don't like it. It's a pull... something pulling me... wanting to pull me backwards... pull me somewhere... in a specific direction...
It's something telling me to look for the source... return to the source... find what is familiar... follow the ravens...
I don't like the feeling. I know the feeling, and I don't like what happens after I feel like this. Maybe it's my MS-fucked-up brain. Maybe it's empathy, or being Psychic, or being a Were, or being a Vamp, or being Psycho. I don't know. All I know is that the feeling is familiar, and I don't like it.
As much as I want to close my eyes... I can't. If I do, there's trouble. I have to follow. There's no real choice, despite any warning.
Things shift. Diseases flare. Perception alters.
I'm here. I'm watching. I'm waiting.
Perhaps, this too shall pass.
It's something telling me to look for the source... return to the source... find what is familiar... follow the ravens...
I don't like the feeling. I know the feeling, and I don't like what happens after I feel like this. Maybe it's my MS-fucked-up brain. Maybe it's empathy, or being Psychic, or being a Were, or being a Vamp, or being Psycho. I don't know. All I know is that the feeling is familiar, and I don't like it.
As much as I want to close my eyes... I can't. If I do, there's trouble. I have to follow. There's no real choice, despite any warning.
Things shift. Diseases flare. Perception alters.
I'm here. I'm watching. I'm waiting.
Perhaps, this too shall pass.
~No place like home
It's another morning. It's difficult to believe that I've been here ("here" being my new apartment) almost two weeks. The time has passed quickly. This is a good thing. They say "time flies, when you're having fun", so I guess that means things must be going well here.
I remember thinking, before I left PA, that I could be in any apartment, anywhere, and I wouldn't know the difference. True enough. I don't go out. I could be anywhere, spending time online. "Online" has become my world.
I used to go out all the time. My apartment was just a "crash pad". I was always very social. In '99, my health put me in the position of not being able to get out. It made me nuts. So, I cancelled tv and signed up for Internet. I've been online since then.
In my (almost) 36 years, I've moved 43 times. My concept of "home" is forever being challenged. The longest I lived in any one place was 4 years. I've been online for 5. Is "online", "home"? I really don't know.
I like "online". "Online" is safe. There is a lot of freedom online... and the worst that can happen online, is that you get a computer virus, or get hacked, or some such thing that fucks with your cyber-world. True, people can get info from you, and fuck with your offline world, but that still doesn't fuck with the online world. No matter what happens, (generally) the sites I go to will still be there... the things I enjoy doing, and the people I enjoy "seeing" will still be there. Reliable.
I spend a lot of time missing "home". I define "home" as Philly. Problem is, it's the idealized Philly in my memory. It's not really Philly, as it is. Most of the people I spent time with are long gone. Most of the places I hung out at are either gone or changed beyond recognition. So, what is that I really miss?
I don't know. Maybe, I just miss being healthy.
I remember thinking, before I left PA, that I could be in any apartment, anywhere, and I wouldn't know the difference. True enough. I don't go out. I could be anywhere, spending time online. "Online" has become my world.
I used to go out all the time. My apartment was just a "crash pad". I was always very social. In '99, my health put me in the position of not being able to get out. It made me nuts. So, I cancelled tv and signed up for Internet. I've been online since then.
In my (almost) 36 years, I've moved 43 times. My concept of "home" is forever being challenged. The longest I lived in any one place was 4 years. I've been online for 5. Is "online", "home"? I really don't know.
I like "online". "Online" is safe. There is a lot of freedom online... and the worst that can happen online, is that you get a computer virus, or get hacked, or some such thing that fucks with your cyber-world. True, people can get info from you, and fuck with your offline world, but that still doesn't fuck with the online world. No matter what happens, (generally) the sites I go to will still be there... the things I enjoy doing, and the people I enjoy "seeing" will still be there. Reliable.
I spend a lot of time missing "home". I define "home" as Philly. Problem is, it's the idealized Philly in my memory. It's not really Philly, as it is. Most of the people I spent time with are long gone. Most of the places I hung out at are either gone or changed beyond recognition. So, what is that I really miss?
I don't know. Maybe, I just miss being healthy.
Friday, August 26, 2005
Thursday, August 25, 2005
082505 ~Comment reply
(In "ooo... prettty colors")
smoking is expensive, and bad for you. Play the games without the smoke?
I've been playing mindless games half the day. ;)
:p
Smoking is good for ME. I weigh it out, physical health vs. mental health. The way I see it, it's good for my mental health, and really good for others' personal safety.
I'll give you "expensive" though. That, it truly is.
smoking is expensive, and bad for you. Play the games without the smoke?
I've been playing mindless games half the day. ;)
:p
Smoking is good for ME. I weigh it out, physical health vs. mental health. The way I see it, it's good for my mental health, and really good for others' personal safety.
I'll give you "expensive" though. That, it truly is.
~ooo... prettty colors
I'm chain smoking. I really can't afford to be. Smokes are expensive.
I'm just flustered... got a messy head... don't want to think, so I smoke and play a mindless computer game... line up the colors, make them disappear...
My Neurodude called me today. He's not exactly too pleased with my refusal to come into the hospital. I pacified him with "we'll see what's going on at my next appointment, in October." He didn't like that... but he, I suppose, had to settle for it.
I've handled this disease forever without repeated solu-medrol treatments. I know myself. I know when I need hospital help. I also know when I'll do much better with a carton of smokes and a case of Miller.
So, I play with the colored blocks, and try not to care too much about anything. How'm I doing?
I'm just flustered... got a messy head... don't want to think, so I smoke and play a mindless computer game... line up the colors, make them disappear...
My Neurodude called me today. He's not exactly too pleased with my refusal to come into the hospital. I pacified him with "we'll see what's going on at my next appointment, in October." He didn't like that... but he, I suppose, had to settle for it.
I've handled this disease forever without repeated solu-medrol treatments. I know myself. I know when I need hospital help. I also know when I'll do much better with a carton of smokes and a case of Miller.
So, I play with the colored blocks, and try not to care too much about anything. How'm I doing?
~It means
My thoughts are all over the place... can't seem to get them organized... sort of like my apartment.
Maybe it's all metaphor... things in boxes... not wanting to open them up and look at the contents... can't figure out where to put the stuff... don't have places to put the stuff... to display the stuff, even if I wanted to.
I don't want any more stuff. I have enough stuff. Enough stuff, but no place to put it out.
Metaphors are spooky.
Maybe it's all metaphor... things in boxes... not wanting to open them up and look at the contents... can't figure out where to put the stuff... don't have places to put the stuff... to display the stuff, even if I wanted to.
I don't want any more stuff. I have enough stuff. Enough stuff, but no place to put it out.
Metaphors are spooky.
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
(the MRI disk - w/A2) 1&2
@2:56 PM 8/24/05
Can't get the fucking MRI disk to load.
@4:40 PM 8/24/05
Upon further investigation, there's a tiny crack on the surface of the disk. I'm thinking that's what the problem is. My other "Dicom" disk works fine. Too, the Radiology report they sent is from March.
Grrrrr
Can't get the fucking MRI disk to load.
@4:40 PM 8/24/05
Upon further investigation, there's a tiny crack on the surface of the disk. I'm thinking that's what the problem is. My other "Dicom" disk works fine. Too, the Radiology report they sent is from March.
Grrrrr
~Poly doesn't like crackers, today.
Was a rough night, last night. I actually got into bed about 8:30, but didn't get to sleep until about 2AM. Combination of allergies and MS crap.
I hate itching.
I hate pain.
I really hate what my brain does... or doesn't do... depending on your perspective.
I'm honestly wanting to scrap the whole lawsuit thing.
I'm tired. Money won't fix my brain. I don't have it in me to handle the whole thing. I don't want my whole damn life on trial. There are just certain places I don't want to go... things that I'd rather not talk about with lawyers. I don't need validation. I spent the last 36 years validating myself. I do just fine.
On the phone, yesterday, I was asked my "sexual preference". It was for the law firm I'd called. They were trying to keep some stats or something. He asked me if he could ask me a few questions. I gave him permission. It was ok that he asked. The problem was that it was pretty difficult to answer. I just suddenly felt like a deer in headlights. I can't answer questions like that. I don't fit into the black and white world. I can't imagine what I'd be like in court. There's no YES or NO answers. You can't try a case like that. There have to be definitive answers. My brain just doesn't do definitive. I live in a Crayola box, not on a mimeograph.
My answer, by the way, was "Poly?". What the fuck else do I say? "Mostly Gay"? What the fuck is "Gay" for me? "Homosexual" means attracted to the same. "Hetero" means different. So, basically, I'm always straight, unless I stumble across someone else who has the same parts and Gender identity, and happen to be attracted to them?
I said "Poly", but that's not exactly accurate either... my sexuality is transient. It depends on the day... it depends on the hour of the day. Everything seems to depend on the day, or the hour, or the minute, for me. It's all a matter of perspective... and I've got a fucked up organ for doing things like that. Yes, No, Maybe, Both, Either, I don't know!
All I know for sure, about myself, is that, right now, I really like sushi, beer, smoking... I like having my freedom. I like being able to like what I like, when I like it. I like being able to "change my mind".
I don't think that court allows for that though, and you know what? Often, neither does my brain.
I hate itching.
I hate pain.
I really hate what my brain does... or doesn't do... depending on your perspective.
I'm honestly wanting to scrap the whole lawsuit thing.
I'm tired. Money won't fix my brain. I don't have it in me to handle the whole thing. I don't want my whole damn life on trial. There are just certain places I don't want to go... things that I'd rather not talk about with lawyers. I don't need validation. I spent the last 36 years validating myself. I do just fine.
On the phone, yesterday, I was asked my "sexual preference". It was for the law firm I'd called. They were trying to keep some stats or something. He asked me if he could ask me a few questions. I gave him permission. It was ok that he asked. The problem was that it was pretty difficult to answer. I just suddenly felt like a deer in headlights. I can't answer questions like that. I don't fit into the black and white world. I can't imagine what I'd be like in court. There's no YES or NO answers. You can't try a case like that. There have to be definitive answers. My brain just doesn't do definitive. I live in a Crayola box, not on a mimeograph.
My answer, by the way, was "Poly?". What the fuck else do I say? "Mostly Gay"? What the fuck is "Gay" for me? "Homosexual" means attracted to the same. "Hetero" means different. So, basically, I'm always straight, unless I stumble across someone else who has the same parts and Gender identity, and happen to be attracted to them?
I said "Poly", but that's not exactly accurate either... my sexuality is transient. It depends on the day... it depends on the hour of the day. Everything seems to depend on the day, or the hour, or the minute, for me. It's all a matter of perspective... and I've got a fucked up organ for doing things like that. Yes, No, Maybe, Both, Either, I don't know!
All I know for sure, about myself, is that, right now, I really like sushi, beer, smoking... I like having my freedom. I like being able to like what I like, when I like it. I like being able to "change my mind".
I don't think that court allows for that though, and you know what? Often, neither does my brain.
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
082305 group ~comment reply
(posted in "The issue is")
hmmm... I wonder if I can send a reply to more than one person... I guess I'll find out...
I do appreciate the suggestions. :)
I've thought of the legal aid thing... I had to use them a few years back for my bankruptcy. :\
My case is a little too specialized and complex to risk that route though. I have to go with a lawyer who specializes in discrimination cases.
I have some calls in, and I'm wating for some calls back.
As I said, I can't get too specific... and I do apologize for that. I'm not trying to keep people in the dark, just trying to cover my ass. :\
hmmm... I wonder if I can send a reply to more than one person... I guess I'll find out...
I do appreciate the suggestions. :)
I've thought of the legal aid thing... I had to use them a few years back for my bankruptcy. :\
My case is a little too specialized and complex to risk that route though. I have to go with a lawyer who specializes in discrimination cases.
I have some calls in, and I'm wating for some calls back.
As I said, I can't get too specific... and I do apologize for that. I'm not trying to keep people in the dark, just trying to cover my ass. :\
~The crosses we bear
Been having some problems with my computer. Actually, I think it's my Internet service. It lets me access the net for about 5 minutes, then just sort of goes to sleep. It's annoying. If I restart, it works again... for another few minutes.
My computer's getting "old". Damn technology. Used to be, things would last. Everything's crap, these days. Just last night, I went to turn off my A/C, and the knob cracked off in my hand. ...make it cheap, they'll buy another one. Great. Yeah, I'll buy another one, I just won't eat.
I really do want to talk about the whole legal thing... but I'm thinking that I shouldn't. I'm thinking that if I had a lawyer, the lawyer would advise me not to talk about it with anyone. So, I suppose I should just listen to the inner lawyer. I'll keep people posted in whatever way I can, without saying too much. For now, I've made some phone calls. I'm waiting on someone to get in touch with me. Time to cross the fingers and toes again.
It's nice out. The weather is changing. This makes me VERY happy.
My computer's getting "old". Damn technology. Used to be, things would last. Everything's crap, these days. Just last night, I went to turn off my A/C, and the knob cracked off in my hand. ...make it cheap, they'll buy another one. Great. Yeah, I'll buy another one, I just won't eat.
I really do want to talk about the whole legal thing... but I'm thinking that I shouldn't. I'm thinking that if I had a lawyer, the lawyer would advise me not to talk about it with anyone. So, I suppose I should just listen to the inner lawyer. I'll keep people posted in whatever way I can, without saying too much. For now, I've made some phone calls. I'm waiting on someone to get in touch with me. Time to cross the fingers and toes again.
It's nice out. The weather is changing. This makes me VERY happy.
Monday, August 22, 2005
legal
I contacted GLAD, and they referred me to another organization. I'm waiting to hear back from them... could take a couple of days.
I'm nervous... keep losing track of what I'm suing for... it'd be so much easier just to say "fuck it". I keep worrying about the whole burden of proof thing... and keep worrying that people will think that even if I had the correct diagnosis, it wouldn't have changed anything.
The whole thing is so complicated...
I'm nervous... keep losing track of what I'm suing for... it'd be so much easier just to say "fuck it". I keep worrying about the whole burden of proof thing... and keep worrying that people will think that even if I had the correct diagnosis, it wouldn't have changed anything.
The whole thing is so complicated...
~The issue is
I'm having issues. I'm always having issues. Yes, this is true, but I have to come to some sort of decision about a rather important issue, and I feel stuck.
As I've mentioned, I was stuck in the "mental illness" merry-go-round for a very long time. The stigma alone contributed to completely destroying my life.
There are many issues here. Many. Many issues, and I have to make a decision. Do I sue, or no.
I don't like the whole lawsuit thing. I question myself as to whether or not this would fall into the category of "frivolous".
It's all very complicated. It's a case of one thing leading to another, and overlapping symptoms.
Yes, I know, I should talk to a lawyer. How do I afford a lawyer? Do I really want to open up the can of worms at all? Money won't cure this disease. Money won't bring my brain back.
I don't know what to do, and I don't know who to ask what to do. I just know that if I'm going to do something, I need to get moving on it.
I'm having issues.
As I've mentioned, I was stuck in the "mental illness" merry-go-round for a very long time. The stigma alone contributed to completely destroying my life.
There are many issues here. Many. Many issues, and I have to make a decision. Do I sue, or no.
I don't like the whole lawsuit thing. I question myself as to whether or not this would fall into the category of "frivolous".
It's all very complicated. It's a case of one thing leading to another, and overlapping symptoms.
Yes, I know, I should talk to a lawyer. How do I afford a lawyer? Do I really want to open up the can of worms at all? Money won't cure this disease. Money won't bring my brain back.
I don't know what to do, and I don't know who to ask what to do. I just know that if I'm going to do something, I need to get moving on it.
I'm having issues.
Sunday, August 21, 2005
~Tackling boxes
It just started raining... thunderstorm. It's either that, or my upstairs neighbor is moving something around. I do like the sound of the rain, when it's hitting things like trees or concrete. Tin roofs are not up there in my list of things I like to hear rain hitting. Hurts my ears. I don't have a tin roof. I have a ceiling, and an upstairs neighbor. As long as he doesn't jump up and down, I'm pretty ok with that. So far, so good.
I have a bit of a headache. It's understandable though. After having one of my psycho buttons pushed, yesterday, I drank quite a bit and took some meds. Stayed in bed... passed out, and sleeping off and on, for about 14 hours.
I'm sure I'll feel the fall out of the meds, and of the actual psycho-button pushing, for quite some time... but I'll be ok. I always am. I'm too much of a champion of the underdog to kill myself, and I care too much about other people to kill anyone else. At least, today.
I still have a lot to do in here... unpacking, and creating places to put things. Boxes. Boxes full of memories. That's all most stuff actually is... memories... keys to memories. Memories can be evil. Memories can make it seem like things happened yesterday, when they happened 30 years ago. Memories can be good too, though. They can point out to you when someone is lying, they can remind you of what you said and did, and they can help one pretend they're actually cared for... giving one something to hang onto.
I've got Bunny. When all else fails, I can talk to Bunny. Bunny doesn't lie, he's usually straight-up with me about things. Bunny's still in bed. He thinks that I should just be staring at the NFL channel with him. The season is about to start.
I have a bit of a headache. It's understandable though. After having one of my psycho buttons pushed, yesterday, I drank quite a bit and took some meds. Stayed in bed... passed out, and sleeping off and on, for about 14 hours.
I'm sure I'll feel the fall out of the meds, and of the actual psycho-button pushing, for quite some time... but I'll be ok. I always am. I'm too much of a champion of the underdog to kill myself, and I care too much about other people to kill anyone else. At least, today.
I still have a lot to do in here... unpacking, and creating places to put things. Boxes. Boxes full of memories. That's all most stuff actually is... memories... keys to memories. Memories can be evil. Memories can make it seem like things happened yesterday, when they happened 30 years ago. Memories can be good too, though. They can point out to you when someone is lying, they can remind you of what you said and did, and they can help one pretend they're actually cared for... giving one something to hang onto.
I've got Bunny. When all else fails, I can talk to Bunny. Bunny doesn't lie, he's usually straight-up with me about things. Bunny's still in bed. He thinks that I should just be staring at the NFL channel with him. The season is about to start.
Saturday, August 20, 2005
~perchance to drink
I'd rather drink because, although it doesn't stop the hurt, at least I might pass out after a while, and find some relief in dreams.
Friday, August 19, 2005
(National Next Of Kin Registry?)
Shoot, you can carry around anything you want. Whether or not the law and your "kin" choose to honor it, is another story.
~Morning
So, here I am. I made it through hell. I'm sitting, again, at my laptop, writing to the world.
I have a nicer view now. Outside my window, I can see trees. Behind the trees, somewhere, is the lake. I'm isolated. There's nothing Nessie and I can walk to. Maybe, on a good day, I could make it down the road to the nearest place... I think that it's a restaurant. There are sidewalks - this makes me very happy.
So, me, Harold, Nessie, and Bunny have a new den. I have my best friend, who lives about a half hour drive from me. I have access to the senior/disabled transport, if I choose to swallow my pride and get on the bus. I'm working on that... getting to the mental place I need to be in, in order to get on the bus with a group of elderly, straight, strangers. I guess that I just don't want to scare them as much as they scare me.
I have a million things to do... things to clean, things to put away, places and people to call, e-mails to reply to... I'm just tired. I'm always tired.
I have a nicer view now. Outside my window, I can see trees. Behind the trees, somewhere, is the lake. I'm isolated. There's nothing Nessie and I can walk to. Maybe, on a good day, I could make it down the road to the nearest place... I think that it's a restaurant. There are sidewalks - this makes me very happy.
So, me, Harold, Nessie, and Bunny have a new den. I have my best friend, who lives about a half hour drive from me. I have access to the senior/disabled transport, if I choose to swallow my pride and get on the bus. I'm working on that... getting to the mental place I need to be in, in order to get on the bus with a group of elderly, straight, strangers. I guess that I just don't want to scare them as much as they scare me.
I have a million things to do... things to clean, things to put away, places and people to call, e-mails to reply to... I'm just tired. I'm always tired.
Thursday, August 18, 2005
~whining the wolf
wining the wolf
I have a gallon of Sangria, and I know how to use it.
Stand back, stand back...
It's alright, it's alright
To be standing in a line
Standing in a line
I would cry
I have a gallon of Sangria, and I know how to use it.
Stand back, stand back...
It's alright, it's alright
To be standing in a line
Standing in a line
I would cry
Sunday, August 14, 2005
~Pack and Go
Tomorrow is moving day. :)
See you folks, hopefully, sometime next week.
Thanks for all your kind words and moral support.
See you folks, hopefully, sometime next week.
Thanks for all your kind words and moral support.
Friday, August 12, 2005
~good and bad
Well, the bad news is that I'm going to be beyond piss poor... but...
the good news is that I should be back here bitching about it to y'all within a few weeks. :p
the good news is that I should be back here bitching about it to y'all within a few weeks. :p
647am081205 ~Comment reply
posted in "Getting"
its good that u still know that u can. maybe ur starting to relax a lil? whats picked you up before?
take care of u. smile!
cocaine? :\
its good that u still know that u can. maybe ur starting to relax a lil? whats picked you up before?
take care of u. smile!
cocaine? :\
Thursday, August 11, 2005
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
~days
So, now it's just a few more days to wait. I'm still keeping my fingers crossed. Often, things fall to shit at the last minute. I won't completely relax about it until the key is in my paw.
Then, it'll be on to worrying about money. As I said, when I left PA, I got rid of everything. So... from a bed to a pot to cook in, I have to replace things. No money. It'll take a long time, this I know, but hey, at least the place I'll be moping in will be MINE.
Getting back online will be a priority. It's an issue of money. Until I can get enough to hook my laptop back up, whether it's dial-up service and a phone, or dsl, or cable, I'll be bummin'.
I'm hoping that by September or October I'll manage something. I'm going to be REALLY bored. No tv, no Internet... just a testy cell phone and a few dvds I can watch on the laptop.
I'll make it, though. I've been through MUCH worse.
Then, it'll be on to worrying about money. As I said, when I left PA, I got rid of everything. So... from a bed to a pot to cook in, I have to replace things. No money. It'll take a long time, this I know, but hey, at least the place I'll be moping in will be MINE.
Getting back online will be a priority. It's an issue of money. Until I can get enough to hook my laptop back up, whether it's dial-up service and a phone, or dsl, or cable, I'll be bummin'.
I'm hoping that by September or October I'll manage something. I'm going to be REALLY bored. No tv, no Internet... just a testy cell phone and a few dvds I can watch on the laptop.
I'll make it, though. I've been through MUCH worse.
Tuesday, August 9, 2005
080905 ~comment/reply
(In THANK YOU entry)
Good for you!
So, what is it like?
(my reply)
I'll let you know. All I know now, is that it'll be mine, if all goes well, by Monday.
Honestly, I don't care. As long as there's no bugs, and I have the key, I'm content for now. :)
Good for you!
So, what is it like?
(my reply)
I'll let you know. All I know now, is that it'll be mine, if all goes well, by Monday.
Honestly, I don't care. As long as there's no bugs, and I have the key, I'm content for now. :)
~THANK YOU
I just wanted to say THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
To everyone who hoped, prayed, wished, or even just thought in my direction... THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
As it stands right now, I'll again have a key on my keychain by August 15th.
THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
To everyone who hoped, prayed, wished, or even just thought in my direction... THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
As it stands right now, I'll again have a key on my keychain by August 15th.
THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Monday, August 8, 2005
~Homophobia and You
I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.
I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman.
I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights.
We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.
I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.
I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I wish they could adopt me.
I am one of the lucky ones, I guess. I survived the attack that left me in a coma for three weeks, and in another year I will probably be able to walk again.
I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear.
We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.
I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me.
I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman.
I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman.
I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male.
I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men.
I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that.
I am the man who died when the paramedics stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual.
I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I didn't have to always deal with society hating me.
I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don't believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind.
I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love.
Re-post this if you believe homophobia is wrong.
(re-posted here, with thanks to a dear friend)
I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman.
I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights.
We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.
I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.
I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I wish they could adopt me.
I am one of the lucky ones, I guess. I survived the attack that left me in a coma for three weeks, and in another year I will probably be able to walk again.
I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear.
We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.
I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me.
I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman.
I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman.
I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male.
I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men.
I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that.
I am the man who died when the paramedics stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual.
I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I didn't have to always deal with society hating me.
I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don't believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind.
I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love.
Re-post this if you believe homophobia is wrong.
(re-posted here, with thanks to a dear friend)
Sunday, August 7, 2005
(Back again....) 2
The official help I can get takes time. For now, I'm getting help from my best friend's mom. She's letting me stay under her roof, until one of the local housing authorities comes through for me. I've been here since December. Too, I'm getting help from my best friend. She's helping me get to my appointments, and fill out paperwork.
I've been on Medicare since 1994. Medicare doesn't pay for everything. The State has to pick up the rest, if it chooses to. For now, MA is picking up what Medicare doesn't cover.
Last time I went into the hospital, my legs went, and I ended up in a wheelchair. This house is all stairs. If my legs go, I can't come back. Last time, they threatened to put me into a rest home. I don't want to play around with that.
I write on my blog, when I can. Keeping up with e-mail, and even (the) board isn't something I can really do right now. Shoot, I've never been able to keep up with my e-mail. My phone reception is horrible... and I don't have much privacy. I'm just weird like that. I can't talk on the phone if it's not private.
The way I'm getting through, right now, is by checking in here and on my blog with more detail, until I somehow get another place to live, where I can attempt to pick up the pieces.
I've been on Medicare since 1994. Medicare doesn't pay for everything. The State has to pick up the rest, if it chooses to. For now, MA is picking up what Medicare doesn't cover.
Last time I went into the hospital, my legs went, and I ended up in a wheelchair. This house is all stairs. If my legs go, I can't come back. Last time, they threatened to put me into a rest home. I don't want to play around with that.
I write on my blog, when I can. Keeping up with e-mail, and even (the) board isn't something I can really do right now. Shoot, I've never been able to keep up with my e-mail. My phone reception is horrible... and I don't have much privacy. I'm just weird like that. I can't talk on the phone if it's not private.
The way I'm getting through, right now, is by checking in here and on my blog with more detail, until I somehow get another place to live, where I can attempt to pick up the pieces.
~want and wait
I really really really want this apartment.
They're checking out my references... and I'm waiting.
It's available for September 1st. I'm available for September 1st. As long as the person whose name is at the top of the list (technically, I'm just the guy at number 194 who keeps up with his begging) stays UNavailable, and my last landlord doesn't, I might get it.
If this falls through, it's back to waiting.
Did I mention that I HATE to wait?
They're checking out my references... and I'm waiting.
It's available for September 1st. I'm available for September 1st. As long as the person whose name is at the top of the list (technically, I'm just the guy at number 194 who keeps up with his begging) stays UNavailable, and my last landlord doesn't, I might get it.
If this falls through, it's back to waiting.
Did I mention that I HATE to wait?
Friday, August 5, 2005
Venison
I met N2.
N2 ROCKS!
...and he's beautiful.... really. VERY good energy.
...but I still say he's Elky. ;)
N2 ROCKS!
...and he's beautiful.... really. VERY good energy.
...but I still say he's Elky. ;)
MS! The other white meat!
Got this from one of the MS groups I'm in:
Subject: Sometimes we must laugh at ourselves
The residents of Silicon Valley are more confused than usual after a billboard campaign by the National Multiple Sclerosis Society of America used this line in an ad slogan.
"MS: It's not a software company."
Exploiting the fame of a certain company to draw attention to an altogether worthier cause. Requests to comment on the campaign have been met by a surly silence by Microsoft which doesn't relish the association of ideas, but is painfully aware that it can't afford to appear insensitive over such an issue.
Seasoned IT professionals will have no trouble telling the two MS's apart.
One is a debilitating and surprisingly widespread affliction
that renders the sufferer barely able to perform the simplest task.
The other is a disease.
Subject: Sometimes we must laugh at ourselves
The residents of Silicon Valley are more confused than usual after a billboard campaign by the National Multiple Sclerosis Society of America used this line in an ad slogan.
"MS: It's not a software company."
Exploiting the fame of a certain company to draw attention to an altogether worthier cause. Requests to comment on the campaign have been met by a surly silence by Microsoft which doesn't relish the association of ideas, but is painfully aware that it can't afford to appear insensitive over such an issue.
Seasoned IT professionals will have no trouble telling the two MS's apart.
One is a debilitating and surprisingly widespread affliction
that renders the sufferer barely able to perform the simplest task.
The other is a disease.
~PLEASE
PLEASE cross your fingers for me. If you pray, I'll gladly accept the prayers.
There might be a possible apartment that I can be squeezed into by September.
please please please please please please
There might be a possible apartment that I can be squeezed into by September.
please please please please please please
Hyperacusis (3)
I wish they'd let me do it "outpatient". It's not an option though.
I have to weigh the whole thing... the possible benefit of the solu-medrol vs. the certain damage of the hospital stay.
If there's one thing I know, it's that I have to avoid stress. In my current situation, it's impossible. Going into the hospital may well push me over the top. Too, I have my big one coming up in a few months. It's been that way forever... starts in September, goes through until mid-January. Too much solu-medrol isn't good, and I'd rather take it for somthing it might actually help with, like the swelling from the optic neurits.
I can feel my brain doing its thing now, but this is nothing compared with what it does after autumn starts.
I just don't want to have to be in the hospital so damn much. Shoot... right or wrong.... I smoke! That alone is STRESS in a hospital setting.
I have to weigh the whole thing... the possible benefit of the solu-medrol vs. the certain damage of the hospital stay.
If there's one thing I know, it's that I have to avoid stress. In my current situation, it's impossible. Going into the hospital may well push me over the top. Too, I have my big one coming up in a few months. It's been that way forever... starts in September, goes through until mid-January. Too much solu-medrol isn't good, and I'd rather take it for somthing it might actually help with, like the swelling from the optic neurits.
I can feel my brain doing its thing now, but this is nothing compared with what it does after autumn starts.
I just don't want to have to be in the hospital so damn much. Shoot... right or wrong.... I smoke! That alone is STRESS in a hospital setting.
Thursday, August 4, 2005
(080405 ~Comment)
(on "So...")
Sorry things are so sucky... is this about finding housing?
yup :\ ...and affording it.... and about my disease being cured.
Sorry things are so sucky... is this about finding housing?
yup :\ ...and affording it.... and about my disease being cured.
(Back again....) 1
I'm very sick, and need a place to live.
Detail: I should be in the hospital, but am not, for fear of losing the roof over my head.
Detail: I should be in the hospital, but am not, for fear of losing the roof over my head.
~So...
Things are going from bad to worse. Thanks, Mr. Bush. You're a real swell guy. May the orifices of your progeny be infested with the maggots of a thousand flies.
Wednesday, August 3, 2005
~dragging time
I have to get a place to live. I can't make the housing authorities go any faster than they're going.
I fear going into the hospital. Last time, they nearly put me in a rest home. I can't risk that. Once you're in one of those places, good luck getting out.
I'm turning 36 in September. I'm not going into a fucking rest home! I don't care what my damn brain is doing!
I fear going into the hospital. Last time, they nearly put me in a rest home. I can't risk that. Once you're in one of those places, good luck getting out.
I'm turning 36 in September. I'm not going into a fucking rest home! I don't care what my damn brain is doing!
Monday, August 1, 2005
~stupid disease
The MRI went fine. The results didn't.
They want me to come back in for (yet another) five day solu-medrol treatment.
I don't want to go.
I don't know if I will.
With the stress of the hospital, I think that it does more harm than good.
whatever
They want me to come back in for (yet another) five day solu-medrol treatment.
I don't want to go.
I don't know if I will.
With the stress of the hospital, I think that it does more harm than good.
whatever
Hyperacusis (1,2)
Central hyperacusis with phonophobia in multiple sclerosis.
Weber H, Pfadenhauer K, Stöhr M, Rösler A.
(Department of Neurology and Clinical Neurophysiology, Klinikum Augsburg, Augsburg, Germany. oa.neurologie@klinikum_augsburg.de)
(from an online MS group I belong to)
Does anyone know of any medication that works to help MS-
related "Central hyperacusis with phonophobia"?
To clarify, EXTREME sound sensitivity, to the point of pain and panic.
Date: Sun Jul 31, 2005 11:27 am
So far, nothing seems to work. They had me on Tegretol, for a while, and it seemed to (mysteriously) help, but then it stopped working. Earplugs don't work. Shoot, my heartbeat is too damn loud sometimes.
Out of all my MS symptoms, this one is at the top of my "I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!" list. There's NO escape.
For years, they told me it was just a part of "PTSD". MISdiagnosis. For years, I thought I'd blown out my eardrums. I'm a drummer. For years, I thought everyone else was too loud and obnoxious.
I went to my Neurodude appointment, the other day... and I begged for something to help me with this. His first response was to doubt it being MS related. I didn't give a rat's ass what he said. I KNOW it's MS related. Damn Residents. I found the info online when I came home, and that was all the "proof" I needed to back up my assumption.
It's getting worse and and worse.
I just wondered if anyone knew of any medication that seemed to help.
From what I can gather, the answer is "no".... it's just part of
going deaf. This makes me sad.
I'm scheduled for an MRI today. Maybe I'll take a copy of the MRI and a copy of the article, and smack Neurodude upside the head with them.
8/1/05 4:29 PM
...and the MRI results are in.
I'm "active". They want me to come back into the hospital for yet another 5 day solu-medrol treatment.
fun fun fun :\
Weber H, Pfadenhauer K, Stöhr M, Rösler A.
(Department of Neurology and Clinical Neurophysiology, Klinikum Augsburg, Augsburg, Germany. oa.neurologie@klinikum_augsburg.de)
(from an online MS group I belong to)
Does anyone know of any medication that works to help MS-
related "Central hyperacusis with phonophobia"?
To clarify, EXTREME sound sensitivity, to the point of pain and panic.
Date: Sun Jul 31, 2005 11:27 am
So far, nothing seems to work. They had me on Tegretol, for a while, and it seemed to (mysteriously) help, but then it stopped working. Earplugs don't work. Shoot, my heartbeat is too damn loud sometimes.
Out of all my MS symptoms, this one is at the top of my "I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!" list. There's NO escape.
For years, they told me it was just a part of "PTSD". MISdiagnosis. For years, I thought I'd blown out my eardrums. I'm a drummer. For years, I thought everyone else was too loud and obnoxious.
I went to my Neurodude appointment, the other day... and I begged for something to help me with this. His first response was to doubt it being MS related. I didn't give a rat's ass what he said. I KNOW it's MS related. Damn Residents. I found the info online when I came home, and that was all the "proof" I needed to back up my assumption.
It's getting worse and and worse.
I just wondered if anyone knew of any medication that seemed to help.
From what I can gather, the answer is "no".... it's just part of
going deaf. This makes me sad.
I'm scheduled for an MRI today. Maybe I'll take a copy of the MRI and a copy of the article, and smack Neurodude upside the head with them.
8/1/05 4:29 PM
...and the MRI results are in.
I'm "active". They want me to come back into the hospital for yet another 5 day solu-medrol treatment.
fun fun fun :\
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