Member bio

Follows Ravens, FR, Follows, Ravens, Raven, Follows Raisins, Follows Algae, Follows T.P., etc., etc.

Tall for an elf. Head usually shaved - hair brown, blonde, some red. Eyes: grey, green, hazel, yellow, blue - combinations or shifting from one to the next. Long goatee. baaaaah.

Approx. 22 tattoos, pierced left ear, more scarred than unscarred skin.

One (maybe half) sister, one half brother (I suppose that equals one whole sibling.)

In love constantly. Heart of hearts stolen at age 16. I'm my own spouse and my own kids. (Approx.) 54 sexual partners.

Body first hit artificial light: 9/19/69

Not allergic to beer, cigarettes, water or tattoo ink... allergic to almost everything else. (I am Ravens... hear me scratch!)

Admitted drug use: I used LSD once.... for a few years. Pot, Speed, White powdery stuff - not Pepsi. (oh yeah, did the PCP thing once too.)

You name the disorder, I have it. If I don't... give me time. MPD-DID/PTSD Govt approved.

Neo-Pagan (H.P.)
Politically silent. American.

Occupies space in Levittown, PA - hometown: Philadelphia.

Is an animal. (Allergic to selves)

Loves to hate people and hates loving them.

Interests: everything (Gets bored easily)

Thinks BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER... needs to eat more donuts.
No sense of humor at all.


oh... and no, I do not have any balls.

material attachment

I'm a pack rat/purger. I'm very possessive of MY THINGS. I don't share well. I keep things for long periods of time, until I hit purge mode, then I get rid of things in large amounts. I believe this is a part of my nurture, rather than my nature.

Every kid seems to have a first attachment, whether it's a blanket, a pacifier, a stuffed toy, a doll, or something else. There's always the one thing that is the first thing that breaks the "out of sight, out of mind" rule. It's usually about the age of 2 or so.

To the best of my knowledge/memory, my first attachment was to my pipe... what I called my pacifier, due to a pipe smoking role model. I did have a yellow baby blanket with lions on it, but I think that came after my pipe. My pipe was taken from me (I think by recommendation of the family doctor), I think about the age of 2 or 3.

(Is the world WORTH saving?)

I debate this constantly.

The moments I feel that it is worth something, I go on about my business.

The moments I feel that it isn't, I attempt to figure out the least embarrassing way to commit suicide.

You can't destroy the world, but if you take yourself out of it... it just might go away.

The hunting thing...

There's a difference between killing and torturing. Like I said to the dog... if you're not going to kill it, leave it alone.

My brain was concentrating on this topic before I went to sleep last night, and something occured to me. I tried to think of instances in my own life that applied, and realized that I'm definitely a horror buff. I love horror novels, and I've seen all the "Faces of Death" and Traces of Death" type movies. I watch surgery shows on the Discovery channel. Is it my reaction to the suffering that I'm enjoying? I'll be the first to admit that I'm a total masochist... in the sense that I seem to love inflicting pain on myself. I think that maybe that's what it is for me. I'm always looking for something more shocking. I feel desensitized on many levels. I just attempt to get myself to FEEL something. I want to walk the line... the one that is between the feelings of revulsion and attraction.

SouthPark just had an episode on the other day where Kenny was doing all sorts of shocking things for money. The kids found it amazing that people would pay to see Kenny do things like eat his own vomit and got to the point of a scheduled Pay Per View where Kenny was to crawl into the bus driver lady's uterus for 6 hours.

I'm not too sure how this applies to people who enjoy pulling the wings off of butterflies, or who love watching little furry creatures suffer. I couldn't watch the part where they were showing the rabbits in "Faces of Death II". Funny how a tortured bunny bothers me more than a guy getting his head blown off. I guess bunnies are just cuter.

I wonder about whether or not the people who see things suffering every day and enjoy watching it actually are bothered by it. No matter what I watch on tv, I still feel horrible when what I'm watching involves a person (or other creature) suffering. Seeing a man with 90% of his body burned, yet still alive will get my attention. I want to see it. I want to feel the shock, and see something that I've not seen before. Perhaps I'm just trying to further desensitize myself. Perhaps I'm in training. Maybe there's a part of me that wants to prepare myself for any situation in life... so that I can act intelligently if that situation arises. Whatever the reason I want to see it though, there is still a part of me inside that is crying for the guy... a part that can imagine the suffering and that fears that sort of suffering... a part that realizes that there is a person hurting... not just an image on my tv.

It's a lot easier for me to understand those who are fascinated by what they come across than those who actually find joy in causing others to suffer. I just don't think that I'll ever understand people who can cause innocent others to hurt. I can understand people who hunt, and farmers, and even the guy who goes off the edge and kills the dog who bit his baby... but never the ones who make a living doing research and pour various soaps into the eyes of rabbits, never the child abusers wielding hot irons and two by fours, and never the ones who don't at least feel a pang of terror while watching a fish out of water.

Feeding...

Tonight I heard this squeaking/chirping outside. My first thought was that the dog had gotten to a bird.

I went outside and the dog backed up a little, and the squeaking died down a bit.

The dog pitched a bit of a fit when I went to investigate though... until I whacked him on the head. (yes... it was a gentle whack... I'm not a dog abuser.)

After getting a flashlight and scoping out the yard, I found a baby mole with its guts hanging out.

Damn dog.

I know... he was just being a dog, but I still can't deal. Eat it or leave it alone.

I feel guilty when I crush a blade of grass.

Life is life.

I don't care if you're a dog or a human. To cause suffering is not something I will ever tolerate.

I don't think that it's an energy thing. I think that it's a screw loose. Sorry... it's just an opinion. It might be facinating to watch a creature eat live food... but if it's not a swift kill and you still enjoy it... I suppose I'll just never understand the attraction.

(It's not a crossing, it's a correcting.)

To me, any medical/surgical things a person does in so far as enhancing or correcting their given body are fine. Whether or not I find an enhanced body sexually attractive depends on the person, but that's a whole other side to the issue. Funny how neither Cher nor Pamela Anderson are labeled trans-anything, yet they've altered their bodies a whole hell of a lot more drastically than most who are labeled such.

It's not a crossing, it's a correcting. A diabetic is dependant on insulin, a chemical they were born without. In order to stay healthy, they must rely on that artificial substance. A woman born without ovaries (or born with malformed ovaries - ie. testicles) is in the same category. The way I see it, you're a woman who grew up suffering from Testosterone poisoning.... now you finally have been allowed to save and improve the quality of your life. You always were a woman, you're not "changing" that. "Trans" means to cross. Not only is sex not so black and white, but you're not crossing anything... you're just correcting it. If you're trying to go from one thing to the other, you're just trying to go from miserable to happy. If you're doing anything wrong, then so are all diabetics, children with cleft palate, burn victims, transplant recipients, people who get Cancer cut out of their bodies, people who take asprin, anyone who chooses to eat rather than starve ... you get the point. Either you care for your body and do what makes it perform the best and makes you feel the best, or you don't.

Tell your mom that as painful as it is to lose a "son" she never really had, it'll be much more painful to lose the daughter that she does.

(The less fortunate...)

I've spent most of my life surrounded by homeless people. True, you might have given the guy a buck for booze... or maybe not. I always gave out change, if I had it... but once it was down to my last dollar, nope. I need to buy my own booze.

I don't care what the money is being spent on, but I'd prefer that people be honest. I'll give you a ten if I have it if you tell me you want to buy a bag of crack. I really don't care, and I appreciate the honesty. I gave a go-go dancer a $20 tip once, knowing that she was a heroin addict. I told her to please go and get fucked up for me, because I couldn't. I don't tip dancers, I just hang out with them. Many of my friends are/were dancers, so I'd go to hang out with them. I don't even like to watch the women... makes me a little sad and sort of nauseated. The heroin addict always tried working me for a tip... I never did tip her. I walked up to her the one time she left me alone and gave her the $20. Pretty much... I'll not degrade you by saying that your body is worth a dollar, but I'll give you a twenty if that will get you somewhere you are happy.

Whether or not that dollar went to booze or bread makes no difference. You gave the dollar to help the guy smile. I doubt he would've asked you for it if he was happy to begin with. He was in need, you gave.

Charity is not conditional. Some people need booze as much as others need food. As well, I'd rather a guy with a temper be passed out than beating someone up to get the money. It's really not for me to judge, and so I try not to. I'll give what I can spare. What a person does with it is none of my business.

Great, now all my good lines are ruined.

You've known me for quite a while, and I'm pretty sure that you know that I wouldn't call myself gutless. So... that in mind, of course it was not a metaphor. The fact that it comes off sounding like a metaphor is to my advantage in life though... it allows me to be honest, yet not have to answer 1,001 questions. In the case of that reply, I thought that it was perfectly placed. It basically explained one of the reasons for my ranting and ended the reply on a slightly brow raising note. Although I'm sure the same question went through the minds of many (was he serious about that?), I guess you were just the only one with balls enough to come right out and ask me.

instinct

I think about it a lot.

If I have an instinct, I question it. If it makes no logical sense, I attempt to stifle it. That there's the beauty of an evolved brain.

ok, boys and girls... (Hit a nerve?)

Well I see you opened yourself up to what is obviously a very sore subject for you...I wasn't aware that this was a loaded question...I was simple remarking on "Norms" here and with what I felt is within 2SD of a normal Bell curve...Of course people are unique and everyone is their "own" person. Normals are established guidelines which are instituted to give some structure to society. People fear what they don't know or can't anticipate..Would you wanna be afraid everytime you sat down cause the chair might give out from under you? There's a 5% chance that it might, but you put you faith in the 95% chance that it won't.. It's statistics and it helps us to make educated decisions and choices and predict events so that we can feel safer in our society that's all..Unfortunately, some people make moral judgements based on it due to their fears...


It's a touchy subject indeed, all the more reason to post it. When there's a raw nerve, it helps to discuss things with others. It helps them to hear why your nerve is raw, and it helps you to hear other perspectives about the subject.

As for the % thing....

A better analogy is that you decide to cross the Grand Canyon on a tightrope, there's a 2% chance that the rope will snap, and a 20% chance that you'll lose your balance. (2% of the world is intersexed, 20% is Gay or Bisexual - at least the ones who admit it)

Thing is, people are not chairs, nor are they tightropes. People are people and just because a group is in the minority doesn't mean that they don't exist. When you determine what a man is or a woman is, you still have to take the minorities into account.

If someone asked you what makes you a woman/man? What would your answer be?

Mine is, "Because I fucking say so".

It's all about respect. To call someone other than what they desire to be called is to not show that person any respect.

When I asked the question, I wasn't asking for the definition by Webster. I was looking for what you really felt. There's no wrong or right answer, just various answers which may or may not affect one another. If I'm lucky, then by reading this thread people will challenge their own ideas a little. In my book, that's what makes for a good thread, when I walk away from it thinking and maybe even changing my tune a bit.

oh... and by the way, I AM afraid every time I sit down that the chair will break. I don't see anything as 100%, not just in sexes, genders, and the like. I believe that anything is possible, and give credit to everything... even the little bit of evil in all good. Sometimes it can be seen as a state of constant fear, but mostly it's just a state of heightened awareness. The AWARENESS that the chair could break allows me to be prepared for it. The AWARENESS that not all men or women fall into any category allows me to be respectful to everyone.

ok, boys and girls...

hopefully someone will read this. I know it's going to be REALLY long, but it's just one of those subjects (hence my posting the topic in the first place I guess). Everyone has a raw nerve somewhere.

so.... I suppose that I'll start out with my own answer.

A woman is a woman if:
1) She says she is.
2) Those who really love her say she is.
3) Those who would hurt her say she is not.

A man is a man if:
1) He says he is.
2) Those who love him say he is.
3) Those who would hurt him say he is not.

Now for some explanation...

"Man" and "Woman" are pretty evil words. Why? Because they are generalizations and stereotypes. One of the problems with generalizations and stereotypes is that they serve to make those who they're used on suffer tremendously. The "M" or "F" stamp on a person's birth certificate serves NO other purpose but to allow everyone that person comes in contact with the rest of their life to make judgements and assumptions about them, and to enable others to keep them from participating in various activities and to force them to participate in others. At one point, a person's race was legally necessary on the birth certificate. We soon woke up to that one... figured out that it served to enable lighter skinned people to treat darker skinned people like subhumans quite easily without ever even having to come face to face with them. Whether or not we'll ever wake up to the fact that the Male/Female thing is the same scenario remains to be seen.

If it wasn't for someone declaring what was a Jew and what wasn't, the Holocaust would have been MUCH different, if it even would have happened at all. If it wasn't for someone declaring what was "Black" and what was "White", I'm not sure that slavery would've looked the way it did. If it wasn't for people declaring what is "Woman" and what is "Man", I dare say that the world would be a much happier place. These and other labels serve to allow others to discriminate and persecute to this day. They also serve to make us feel unsure of ourselves. Do you think that without these labels that women who lose a breast to Cancer or men who are impotent would have as many issues? How about a person who has one parent with lighter skin than the other? (That was rhetorical, by the way.)

Labels are mostly evil. Yes, they do serve some good purpose, but not a whole hell of a lot when compared to the evil that comes from them. Labels make it easier to tell stories... Nuclear power is cleaner. That's the way with anything though... it's the whole yin/yang thing. In one, there is always just a bit of the other... making the definitive impossible.

You can't hate a specific group of people, or discriminate against them, or treat them any differently unless you have a label for that group. Without labels, you can either hate everything, hate nothing at all, or only hate what is right in front of your face. You can't say "I hate Jews". What are Jews? You can't call people with "F"s on their birth certificates "chicks", thereby comparing them to fluffy, helpless, baby animals. You can't keep boys out of an all girls school. What's a boy? What's a girl? What does "F" mean?

Things are set up in order that labels are needed to comfortably exist. Why is the sky blue? What is "sky"? What is "blue"? The answer is that "sky" is what you've been told by the majority of people in your life... your "society"... is "sky". "Blue" is what you've been told is blue". If you dare to say different, you're declared "anti-societal" at best, but often "delusional". In the big picture, those who do not agree, those who do not go along with the majority, those who refuse to take society's word for everything are declared broken, wrong, criminal, sick, or insane. Once you carry one of THOSE labels, there is no real comfort, nor is there any real place in the world for you. Your human rights are taken away. Knowing the consequences, most of us become very good liars and stifle any sort of protest. The fear of those labels is enough to make most people into good little labelers themselves and VERY good followers.

Fear helps to keep people blind... it forces people to see only what it is safe to say is there and creates the need to be led. Fear is blinding. Fear is Evil's most efficient weapon. It's important to Evil that the blind stay blind. When the blind can suddenly see, Evil is left naked... exposed... seen for its true nature... threatened with extinction. It is not the nature of evil to eradicate itself. That's the little dot in the fishies eye... the little bit of yang in yin and yin in yang... the little good in that which is evil. If Evil was 100% bad, it would destroy itself. If you pull out a bible... you'll read all about how evil wears pretty disguises. It's actually pretty true.

The mask of this particular evil? That labels are necessary... that we could not communicate without them... that without labels, we cannot love who we are. We need labels in order to love ourselves and others!

I need my label! Belonging feels soooo good... look! our labels match! woohoo! (____) Pride!!! ( _____) Power!!! (______) people RULE!!!! Yeah!!!

Pride can sure feel good, can't it? Evil is rather enjoyable... at first... there's a reason why it's seen as a sin though... you have to control it, or...

...but Nuclear power is cleaner!

Whether or not we let ourselves stay blind... hmmm.... there was something in that book about making the blind see again, wasn't there? That was a good thing, right? If only people could read a book without needing others to tell them how to interpret it...

I'm going off on a tangent... I'm prone to them while attempting to discuss what I think is totally twisted about humanity. Let me get back to the topic at hand...


Not all women can bear children.
Many women separate love from sex quite easily.
Many women are not monogamous.
Many men process thought verbally.
Many men do not need admiration from females.
Many men want to be provided FOR.
Many men are VERY monogamous.
Many men have no need at any point in their life to indiscriminantly propagate.
Many men are not control freaks. Many women are.
Many men don't give a rat's ass about complementing the female, nor do they do it in any way.
There are many men who are not territorial in the least, and many women who are.
There is no such thing as a physical aspect that applies to ALL men or ALL women. Not even chromosomes. There men with breasts, men with XX chromosomes, men with large hips, men with no penis, men with a vagina. The same goes for women, some have no breasts, some have XY chromosomes, some are more muscular than most men. Yes, there ARE some who call themselves men with an "M" stamped quite plainly on their birth certificate that have even given birth.
If you want to boil it down to percentages, it's a fact that at least 2% of the world's population is born intersexed... basically... born both.
Nearly ALL people have both Estrogen and Testosterone. It's rare that a person does not.
Some women do not have ovaries, and so, very little Estrogen. Some women have low levels of Estrogen even with ovaries. Some women have never had PMS in their life, nor a menstrual cramp. And get this.... Some men HAVE.


Not one of these things would make a woman any less a woman or a man any less a man. A person is what or whom they say they are, not what you declare them to be, and not what society declares them to be. The same goes for you. You are what and whom you say you are. For anyone to say otherwise is for that person to insult you and your knowledge of yourself. Does anyone know a person better than they know themself? Is a person delusional just because they don't agree with your idea of what constitutes a specific label? Would allowing a person to state whom and what they are without argument make you any less you? Does accepting a person for whom or what they say they are even if your labels match but your bodies don't really change your label; or does it just force you to take a good hard look at what it is that you are attempting to hide behind that label? (something most people are petrified of doing) What would happen if your label suddenly fell off? What would happen if everyone's labels fell off? If there were no such thing as "Women" and "Men", would your entire identity go down the toilet?

I am not attempting to change everyone's minds. I am not meaning to be patronizing or attempting to talk down to everyone. What I'm doing is stating the truth... as I see it. What you call "man" or "woman" most likely won't change due to what I write here. That might only change after you lose a breast to Cancer, or get your balls blown off. Point is, just keep in mind that when you make a determination about others, in effect, you might really be hurting them, and that no matter what you feel about whether or not labels are evil, hurting a person because of your own desire to make your own self feel more secure is evil by the standards of just about every religion. It's called "Cruelty". If in order to feel like a man, you have to call a stranger who is not exactly like you a woman, you're doing it just to secure your own "Man" label. You never know what or whom a person is until they tell you, and with a little creativity you don't have to call them anything. What a person calls themself is all that should determine what you call them.

(As a side note, that last sentence is incorrect by society's wonderful standards. Actually, that sort of thing got me into many a fight with my college English teacher. It has to be "himself" or "herself" and either "him" or "her". I refused to comply... I still do. Wonderful rule... even when talking about a person we've never seen, we're asked to make dividing lines and asked to polarize everything. Some people don't even want to identify with male or female. Shall we call them "it" and further dehumanize them? sorry... another tangent... let me wrap this up...)

The word "label" is very close to the word "judgement". When you label someone, you make a determination about that person. When you make a determination about a person, you've made a decision about them. You've decided that they are either like you, or not like you. You've made a separation... drawn a line... dropped them into a little hole, which you've dug for them and those you deem to be like them. Sometimes, people don't want to be pigeonholed... sometimes, people like to decide for themselves whether or not the shoe fits.

Judge not, lest ye be judged.

That doesn't just mean don't judge people unless you can deal with them judging you. It means that judging a person can really hurt them and it helps to support evil. You might not be judged or hurt specifically by the person or people you just judged... but you might be by "God", and "God" can be a lot crueler.


This rant has been brought to you by FR - a guy with no fucking balls.

(What do I want to Do?)

If you could have any job in the world, which job would it be?

Would you still want it if you had to, let's say... die at 75?

Would you still want it if you could never be the best in the world at it?

How about if you would never make more than the equivalent of what is $25,000 a year currently; even then?

---

ok... what do I want...

...it can sort of be the question to end all questions, in a way. Seems most people around me are rather focused on that particular question. Throughout my life I've been sort of caught on it. It's another example of blessings and curses going hand in hand. I was blessed in that I seem to be able to do just about anything well, but the result is that I've never focused on one thing long enough to fully integrate it into part of my being. I can't say "I'm a lawyer." or "I'm an Engineer." or that I'm anything really. I'm just me. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but every now and again I want to be able to say that what I dedicate my life to helps to define who I am.

As the years have passed, I've boiled things down a bit... eliminated one thing after the next for various reasons. I've tried many things, and I've found that they were wrong for me... unsatisfying, shall we say - to put it lightly. Too, throughout all that hat sampling, I've also had to deal with my own head. Being legally insane is not all it's cracked up to be.

I have what I've dubbed "The Three 'M's". Music, Magick and Medicine. They've been my three main "wants". I've not been able to drop my focus on any of them... and so I've always ended up caught three ways, or like now... just at a simple standstill.

I've desired to be a Doctor since I was at least 10 or so. I was reading my mother's copy of Gray's Anatomy while other kids were reading Judy Blume and comic books. Thing is, I know that I desired to be a Doctor for all the wrong reasons. At first, I think that it was a way to get my mother to respect me. For some odd reason, people of her generation seem to revere doctors. It could be a doctor that had a C average in Med school and is a real prick, but to them, he's still God in a white coat. Then, of course, there was the money aspect. Being poor all my life, having money has always been rather attractive to me. My interest in human physiology has not diminished, but I've come to the conclusion that the Medicine "M" is one that just has to go. I've followed out that path in my head, and I know that in the end - even if I could follow the path for quite a while, through the schooling and such - I'd not be content. I only want the money for one reason (see the last "M" below), and the title to rub in my mother's face. The interest will never go, my fascination with the workings and quirks of the human carcass will always cause me to read the Merck Manual as a pastime, but the career plans have to be dropped.

As for the Magick "M"... The idea was to teach... do the college thing, get a degree in Occult Studies, and get myself a job at one University or another. I've been entirely submersed in the occult and religion in general since I was probably 9 or so. With Magick, you kind of get sucked down the path. Once you're open, you're open. As well, once you're on the path, you're no longer able to function very well in society. It changes you to the point of insanity. It can't be helped.

Along with the teaching idea came the book publishing idea. See, writing is magical. Not to go too far into that, but they just go together. Along with studying came the writing. Now, I'm full of information and have thousands of pages of writing. Do I teach? I suppose that I do, in a way; but do I have the papers that say I spent the money for the degree? Nope. Does it really matter that I don't teach in a University and make a salary from it? Nope.

The Magick "M" is a bit more difficult to drop though. When you have that piece of paper, people listen to you a lot more intently.... and when you want to share your knowledge with others in order to help them out, you just want people to listen before writing you off. Thinking about that though... if people want help... if they REALLY want help, it's not the author that matters, it's what's written in the book. When you really want help, you'll read the back of a cereal box if that's what helps you. The real difference between the rantings of a lunatic and a book written by a paper-wielding, upstanding member of society is the size of their wallets. The only reason to get that degree is in order to attract more people to your book... including people who will just use it as a decoration on their mantle. The only reason to get the degree is to line my pockets. So, there we go with the money thing again... greed is not good... and it's not worth sacrificing 10 years of my life in order to make myself attractive to superficial mantle decorators. So, I drop the Magick "M" and settle for lunacy.

That brings us to the Music "M". Here we have my first want. I think that I can trace the desire back to, at least, age 6. Here we also have another blessing/curse scenario. I'm not sure if I was born with it, or if I just picked it up because of always being surrounded by music and people who could keep time and sing on key, but music is something that's at the core of my being. I grew up banging on my legs with paintbrushes, butter knives, chopsticks, anything that even remotely resembled a pair of drumsticks, to the point of having little purple bruises all over my thighs. I started studying music rather early in life... first piano, then violin, clarinet, percussion, double bass, electric bass, guitar, I tried a gazillion instruments it seems, and I did well at playing them. I even went through a year of college with my Upright in hopes of maybe getting that piece of money earning paper. That stopped when I realized that college is not for musicians... it's for note readers and mathematically based music theory buffs. My war cry of "Music is not Math!" carried me right out that door. It was best that I got out before it ruined my love of the bass... and it came damn close. I might add that with my wonderful lunacy, college was just not doable. My brain just doesn't work that way. Not that I didn't get the grades, I only got one "B" (ended with a 3.82 average, that semester. I got a 4.0 the first semester, from what I can recall, and I took about 15 classes total... in my 2 semesters.), but I just couldn't get there. It's a long story, but depending on the day, I'm lucky if I can remember my own name, let alone get to a class. That sort of helps to rule out the Doctor and Professor careers as options for me as well.

Anyway... along with all the instruments and singing if I felt like it (and the horrible required college course of sight-singing), there was always the drumming. The first time I sat down at a drum kit I was about 14. I never had any lessons... but I was damn good. I even shocked myself a little bit. It just came naturally. See... drumming is so much a part of who I am I can't even really accurately describe it. Drumming is better than sex. (and yes, I've had better sex than most people I've ever met in my life) It's more natural to me than breathing. Maybe I should put it this way.... It makes me HAPPY. Nothing else in life does that... and no matter where my brain is at, even if I don't know my own name, I can drum. It's like breathing, even if sometimes I have difficulty, it never stops entirely, and if it did, I'd be out of this human carcass. Writing is like that too, but with one exception... the happiness part. Writing helps to keep me alive, Drumming helps me to really live.

Now let me get to the blessing/curse part. It can be seen as a blessing, having talent or ability... having something that just feels 100% right and perfect. The curse part? (Here we go again) Money. Like I said, I've always been on the low end of the income tree. It's not that you can't drum if you're poor. You can always bruise your thighs and annoy the pus out of everyone by continuously tapping and stomping on everything. You might even be able to save up enough for a used kit... but playing a drum kit is something that you cannot do quietly. You can't keep it in a low-income apartment complex... apartments are not only usually too small, but you can't make that sort of noise in them... and if you find a band to play with, it's usually your house they rehearse in because it's not exactly easy to transport a drum set. Add to that the fact that even if you didn't rehearse at home, you'd have to afford a car... and know how to drive. Add to that a brain which does not function in a manner which allows you to hold down a job, and which results in a continuous lack of funds. That makes it nearly impossible to change the situation. The blessing is suddenly the curse of "Why the fuck couldn't I have been born a singer instead?". Boils down to the fact that between not having the space, not having the money and not having the ability to keep my brain working a specific way in order to get the money ... I tap and stomp a whole hell of a lot, feel dead inside, and am constantly tempted to use some of that Magick in order to change things, even though I know that it'd be the worst thing I could possibly do.

Do I care if I'm the best? Nope. Would I scrape 10 years off of my life expectancy? Not a problem. Do I care if I never get fame and fortune and can just barely keep food on my plate? Nope. It's all that makes me happy. Having a second-rate garage band is just fine. Making $50 a night playing for drunk idiots in a stinking bar would be more than just fine. As long as I could play the music that makes me happy, on the instrument I was born to play.

Mick said that sometimes if you can't get what you want, you can get what you need.

What the fuck do you know, you rich, happy bastard?

(ok... back up.)

From what I understand, the bible was written quite a few decades after the death of Jesus. How do you know what Jesus really said? Don't you only really know (maybe) what other people said he said?

I hate to get personal here... I don't want to bash anyone's beliefs... but in so far as what Jesus actually taught...

I talked to God today....

he said,

"If you listen to God,

God that is that voice of truth within,

you'll hear the truth."

all the rest is just words...

all the rest is just...

the voice of another.

God will tell you...


Love
Create

Jesus laughs.

Jesus cries.

He cries because...

His name is taken in vain.

he says,

"STOP!"

He says...

Love.

Get it?

DearGod1

11/10/00 12:33 PM

I don't know how much time I have left. True, no one does, but I'm just mentioning it because it's one of the reasons I'm forcing this writing out of my system.

It seems that I've been designated to start. I don't know where to start or how to start. I just know that I'm the one who has to do it. It's odd writing to an audience that knows everything, yet nothing at all. Even the concept is odd - the fact that I must assume that I am writing to one who knows nothing, but in truth everything is known. Odd or not though, it's true. So I suppose that the best thing to do is to explain some things first, before I get into the meat of it all.

There will be more than one of us writing this. Some of us can speak for ourselves and some of us can speak for those of us who cannot. It's not possible any other way. There are just too many perspectives... too many stories... too many truths. Then... you already know that.

We've kept quite excellent records. Unfortunately the first half of them are gone though. We've attempted to fill in the gaps, but it's not entirely possible. I'm not sure whether it ever will be. The original idea was just to submit all of those notes in chronological order. Over the past 4 years, we've worked endlessly, attempting to put those notes in order, but at this point I doubt completing that task is possible within the next 10 years, due to the 30,000 or so pages. I suppose that it's rude to submit a bunch of notes anyway - in order or not, but put in chronological order, with some commentary, hopefully it will result in a coherent report. If a note is edited, it will only be so because the edited portion was declared entirely irrelevant by consensus. Submitted notes will not be edited for grammar, punctuation, spelling, or in any attempt to conceal the truth of the time.

We've not yet come to a conclusion about whether or not to include the names of others. For now, I will allow it. Perhaps in the future the names will be changed. If that ends up being the case, I will make a note of it.

So... you who are reading this... "God"... here is the report you requested.

Holidays?

I was thinking about holidays...

Holidays are supposed to be "holy-days". Being an American, there are certain holidays that I'm requested to observe (so much for the separation of church and state!), but I've never seen the majority of them as "holy" in any way.

Over the course of my 31 years, I've somehow managed to develop my own list of holidays... days that are - and will always be - special to me. I guess that, literally speaking, the only days that are actually "holy" to me are Oct. 31 and September 19, "Halloween" and my own birthday, respectively. I won't work on either of these days, and on both days my head tends to concentrate on matters of a spiritual nature. There are other days though, days that I see as holidays of a sort, that will always carry a special meaning to me.

1/19 - "P******r day" - my mother's and grandfather's birthday, my grandmother is the 22nd, so it's all on my mind on the 19th.
2/8 - "Relationship day" - The anniversary of getting together with my HS girlfriend (aka - the love of my life).
3/21(or so) - Spring Equinox
5/1 - May Day/Beltane
6/4, 6/9, and 6/19 - Birthdays of my best friend, her daughter, and my stepfather, respectively.
6/22 (or so) - Summer Solstice
6/27 - "Spiritual birthday" - The anniversary of my awakening.
8/1 - Lammas
8/10 - "Day of the Past" - The anniversary of my mother and stepfather's wedding, even though they're divorced and I have no contact with my mother (avoiding matricide), it still brings back a flood of memories.
9/1 - "September Day" - It's my "WOOHOO! It's gonna get cold soon!" day.
9/19 - My birthday
9/21 - Autumn Equinox
9/22 - My brother's birthday
10/18 - Father-figure #1's birthday
10/24 - My sister's birthday
10/31 - Samhain
11/5 - "Independence Day" - The anniversary of my leaving my home of horrors as a young teen... and also the anniversary of going from diaries to journal format in my writing... I'm on Volume 6, Chapter 3 at this point. The day will forever be my day of appreciating my freedom, though.
11/8 - _'s birthday (that love of my life I mentioned above)
11/26 (or wherever it falls) - American Thanksgiving - "Day of fear and stuffing" - Because of my lack of a family (LONG story), I'm always the oddball friend at another family's table. I'm always scared that I'm imposing, and I'm always uncomfortable. Even as a kid I felt uncomfortable at Thanksgiving, but that had more to do with the fights before leaving for dinner. You can take me out, but don't even THINK about dressing me up!
12/7 - "Fire Day" - Anniversary of the day my "family" and I experienced a 7 alarm apartment blaze (in '77).
12/21 (or so) - Winter Solstice
12/25 - "Day of financial panic and shame" I'm poor, so that makes buying gifts rather difficult. No matter what, I always feel badly about not being able to afford to buy things for people, especially when others around me are able to get things for me.
...and 12/31 - "Night of the Sacred Party Atmosphere" - (New Year's Eve) Every Beerwolf's most sacred day!

Go fuck yourself.

SOMETIMES PEOPLE JUST HAVE TO VENT WITHOUT SOME IDIOT WHO HAS NO FUCKING CLUE ATTEMPTING TO GIVE ADVICE.

both? neither?

I have noticed that with the names sometimes it is hard to tell if someone is male or female I am just curious...
Can we list our genders?

There's an "M" on my license.

Please don't forget that sex and gender are two different things, and that sometimes people are born both or neither biologically.

I believe that neither sex nor gender is a dichotomy. There is no 100% We all have aspects of both stereotypes... even anatomically.

To be 100% honest,

no, I'm really not ok. I'll survive, I always do, but things are not going too well for me right now. Sometimes it feels like when it rains it pours. This is one of those times. I'd say that I have a lot on my plate, but I just lost my plate because I couldn't keep paying for it... so I just have... a lot.

(To walk in the shadows alone...)

I think that being alone is a perfect example of "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." We usually fear what may bring us pain, and most things that make us stronger are quite painful. (No pain; no gain!)

It feels like I've been alone most of my life, in the true sense of the word. Lately, I've been basically living the life of a 90 year old whose family is long gone and has no children. (I see maybe 2 other human beings once a week, aside from going to the market every 3 days or so where I interact with the cashier.) At times, the loneliness does make you crazy... but with it comes a sense of independence that is priceless. There's good and bad in everything. Right now, I'm at a point where I'm about to lose my precious privacy... and I fear that. I've been alone so long that I'm used to it. It's being around people that I'm not so sure of. As bad as I can be with people online, with a short fuse and what borders on pompous self-righteousness, I'm 10 times worse offline. That's one of the reasons why I stay away from people. Dealing with them makes me snap MUCH too often, and making them deal with me is close to cruel and unusual punishment.

By those I've been around, I've been called both "alien" and "angel". Whether or not it's a compliment, it still boils down to no one understanding me... and so then you have that sense of being alone even in a crowd of people. That sort of alone is often much more difficult to endure than the physical kind.

I could write a book on the "alone" topic (I'm working on it), but I think that this is enough of a rant for now.

The most precious thing I have?

A piece of looseleaf paper with this written on it:

Jan31

Hey -

I love you - Everything will be okay - Always remember that!

It's a note from the girl I fell in love with in High School - and didn't fall out of love with until... until...

Until everything is "okay", I'll never part with it.

I am.

I am my own conscience... my own God. No one tells me what to do... no one tells me what not to do, except for myself. I don't worry about heaven. I AM heaven.

I'll tell you what... if I woke up tomorrow and found out that all the bible thumpers were right, I'd go to Hell knowing that I did the best I could.

(Concerning the varied definitions of vampires)

I'm the sort who prefers to define things for myself, not based on one person's definition, but usually on my own experience, and a conglomeration of all that I've read and heard, weeding out what I believe to be the truth from what I believe to be false. It's not too important that we all agree on a set definition, just that we agree to allow each other the the opportunity to have our own definitions, and take the time to hear each other out so that we can understand each other. All Vampires may not be like me, but that doesn't make them any less worthy of me calling them one. I have my own definition, and if someone doesn't fall into it, then inside I feel that they aren't a Vampire by my definition, but because they feel that they are a Vampire, I will call them such... it's just an issue of respect. We can sit and debate definitions all day, but in all likelihood, neither of us will change too much in what we know ourselves to be. Like any other label, "Vampire" means many things to many people. It's only important that you know who you are, that way when someone attempts to rip the label off of you, or stick one on you, it won't be so big of a deal.

Protecting the eyes of the young.

Although I'm never a big supporter of that which may give anyone nightmares, my main reason for being upset was not that... nor was it based on my not agreeing with the opinions of the author, as everyone has a right to their own opinion. My main concern is that I'm a Vampire. I've heard and taken crap all my life about it. It wasn't always acceptable on even an underground level. There once was no Vampire (real or otherwise) scene to speak of... what there was was SO underground you could barely find it, even if you used a microscope. I live in Philadelphia, and in the tri-state area (PA, NJ, DE) I met only one other person in my years of searching (pre-Internet) who claimed Vampirism. to this day, I've met a grand total of 3 face to face. I've had my hands full attempting to reeducate everyone I choose to be honest with, as there aren't many of us out here attempting to do it.

There are plenty of fictional sources out there to misinform kids and cause then to hate/fear/judge me. The last thing I need to read is something suggesting to my kids (if I had them) that I'm some sort of a monster who delights in killing people and making women scream... especially in an arena which does its best to dispel the myths.

Like I said, everyone is entitled to their own opinions, and as well, everyone is unique. Perhaps there are some out there who feel and act as the author does. Perhaps there are even Vampires who do... but what it boils down to, is that what was being described was both frightening and illegal. To me, what it did was to suggest that Vampires are pain inflicting criminals at heart. Although I cannot be locked up for my fantasies, I can be locked up for my actions. If it gets into the heads of the masses that Vampires are criminals, then I have to spend my life being scrutinized and suspected... and feared.

The first time my kid showed signs of fearing for their life while in a room with me, my heart would break.

I wouldn't want my kid to read that, not only because I think that they might have nightmares... but because I wouldn't want to play the leading role in them.

In a past life?

I was a piece of shyt, dirty, smelly, blacksmith's son... not even really his son actually... he just took me in.

I loved a woman, and died loving her.

*shrugs*

-98-

She appears
To offer me her corpse
To hold to my own shell

She appears
To offer me her heart
To beat in time with mine

She appears
To give me her soul's breath
To inhale into mine

And I appear to her
To give my life to her
To end this death of ours

"What is a Were?"

By my definition, a "Were" is a human who has a different level of awareness than most other humans. This awareness allows them to "shift" ...that is, to enter a state where they resemble a being other than themselves. These shifts happen on the mental, spiritual, and physical levels.

It's all up to you.

Some people believe in Universal definitions, some people don't. The point is that it's not anyone's responsibility to prove themself to anyone else...

It might be true that just because you say that you are something, doesn't mean that you are, but the reverse is also true. Just because you think that I'm not something, doesn't mean that I'm not. By questioning someone when they state what they believe themselves to be, all we do is insult the person. We can give them our own definition of what we believe them to be, but is it really anyone's right to declare another wrong and expect them to agree with us? Isn't it everyone's own place to state what they themselves are?

(To Exist and Hunt without Emotion or Remourse..)

Hamburgers don't have eyes. Even so, I always feel thankful and praise the ex-cow, and the one who was capable of killing it for me, and yes, I do feel a little sad... then too, I feel sad when I kill a roach too... and when I see cut flowers. I'm glad that I feel sad, it's what makes me feel evolved, but I also must live. In order to live, one must consume something, and right now, to consume is to kill (at least indirectly). I'm allergic to nuts, so I can't just live off of that which naturally falls to the ground. I'm grateful to those who can kill things with eyes, because I cannot, and I really like sushi. I depend on all creatures, including humans and non-human animals to survive. I give back to them whatever I can in gratitude.

Ever see a dog smile and raise his tail after killing a chicken, or bare teeth during the hunt? Looks like emotion to me, but then I'm not a dog, so I don't really know for sure.

Perhaps some other animals (including humans and evolved humans) do not feel remorse after killing, or emotions during the hunt, but I like to see myself and most other humans and evolved humans (like Vamps and Weres and the like) as simply that... evolved. Remorse implies a certain type of thinking ability. Non-human animals might not feel it, but some humans and evolved humans do.

I personally feel that evolved humans - Vampires (and Weres, etc.) are evolved from humans, or - perhaps - evolved along side humans. Either way, our brains are similar. This makes us capable of reflection... and the subsequent awareness that there are consequences to our actions. This enables us to feel remorse and to alter our actions, if possible.

I love dogs and wolves and cats and lemurs, and average humans, all animals in fact - however - I am not one. I take pride in that, and use/feel grateful for the gifts which I seem to have been given; the ability to feel remorse and learn from my feelings... to find alternatives to actions which bring grief to others, to give back to those who serve me and allow me to pamper myself, and mostly, my ability to REASON, and to CHANGE.

Not all Vampires take without remorse.

(What makes one aware that he/she may be a werewolf?)

I can only speak for myself here, but what alerted me was not so much the knowledge of "being different", as many feel at a young age who are Were and/or Vamp (or even ordinary people just going through life's changes), but more the realization of shifting. Although I'd never even heard the term "Were" until I came online last June, I was aware of my specific type of difference. I called it, "having Shaman's blood" to those I attempted to explain things to. It was as close as I could come to explaining that specific aspect of myself which was WAY different from the norm. It was the moment when I looked back and said, "WHOA! That wasn't me, but... it was... but it wasn't... but... etc." and then had the people around me back up that confusion with, "Well it was you... but it wasn't you... but it was... etc., etc." All I really knew was that I'd gone from human to other and then back again. It took quite a long time to actually give what I was experiencing any sort of a name.

From reading the words of others here, the label of "Polywere" seemed to fit. True, there are days when I read the posts of others that I swear to myself that there's no way in HELL that I'm a Were, but those are the bad days... the days when I doubt my own sanity... the days when I read the wrong posts by the wrong people at the wrong time.

To me, the main "symptoms" of being a Were are shifting (mental, emotional, and/or physical) and a specific type of heightened awareness... which I find difficult to describe. I usually rely on "it takes one to know one" and I seem to do just fine.

(How does it (shifting) feel?)

It feels like I'm being catapulted into a tunnel. After that, it varies according to how intense the shift is. Sometimes it's like being pounded into the ground, other times it's like floating on a cloud. Often, it does seem like I'm viewing the world from somewhere under water.

(Rhain again)

E-mailing the story of how St. Patrick Christianized Ireland to a Pagan on St. Patrick's Day is about as offensive as mailing the story of the Beer Hall Putsch to a Jew on Hitler's birthday.

Has the concept of being a considerate person ever crossed your mind, or did your God skip you while giving out that grace?

(Just a thought...)

I don't think that we are Real Vampires because we all have bad stomachs, or anything else for that matter, in common. It is possible that Real Vampires do share some common physical and mental traits with one another and with other non-Vampires, but I think that what makes a Real Vampire a Real Vampire is a combination of physical, mental, and spiritual aspects that are different from the majority of the rest of the human population, yet common to others who deem themselves "Real Vampires". I agree that when one has a physical problem, the local doc or healer is the first place to go. I think that calling oneself a Vampire should not be something one does until all other avenues are explored. In the Were community, there is a similar occurrence which is referred to as "Shifter's Disease". (An example - "Oh! I drop my pencil a lot too! I must be a Were!" or "Oh look! There's a new hair on my toe! I must be shifting!")

In short, I'm not a Vampire because I have a sensitive stomach, or because I have a mental illness, or because I like the taste of blood. They are just parts of my character. I'm a Vampire - more specifically, a Real Vampire, because of a combination of mental, physical, and spiritual characteristics which cause me to be able to identify closely to others who also label themselves such. We chose this label in order to define ourselves to others in an attempt to cause them to understand us better (hence treating us without prejudice), and in an attempt to find others like ourselves (hence eliminating some of the resulting loneliness which comes with our uniqueness.)

(Time and Mind)

Shifting does distort my sense of time.

Perhaps though, you might also look at it as having your memory affected as well. If your experiences from 4:00 to 6:00 are blocked out, then it will seem like that time did not exist. When you experience things in great detail, and retain the memories, it will seem like time slows down.

As for blocking out memories... it's what people in Psych-land call "losing time". Although I've brought this up a gazillion times, I'll mention it again... Do some reading about dissociative disorders. The differences between what people here call "wereism" and what the shrinks call "dissociative identity disorder" are very few. (Yes, including p-shifts.)

(Rhain)

Although I do not know you as a person, it is quite obvious where your interest lies, in so far as religion is concerned. I do not fault you for it, and in fact, I admire your dedication to what you believe in. I do wonder though, whether you have given serious thought to certain aspects of evangelism. Not that I think you should change your mind about it - to the contrary - I think that it's a noble pursuit. What I mean is that the way you seem to be going about it seems... well... not very effective. If you stand back and look at yourself from an outsider's perspective, you'll see that the Christians around you take to you rather well, but those who are not Christians do not. That's a bit of what I meant by wanting to hear your words rather than the words out of the bible. In fact, I think that your constant "God Bless"s and praises of your lord for all to see is hindering your ability to reach those who do not follow Christian tenets. It is my understanding that the purpose of evangelism is to reach out to those who have not "found Christ". My friend, those who have steered clear of Christianity will turn away from those sorts of words. They'll stop reading as soon as they hit the word, "God". I think that it might be useful to think about other ways to guide others toward what you perceive to be the path of the righteous. Sometimes, saying, "Stop being such an ass towards him! I'm sure that you don't like being singled out like that! What's the problem?" works 1,000 times better than, "Christ told us to love thy neighbor as thyself." Christ had some good ideas... but quoting scripture or even referring to those ideas as his all the time might actually serve to make people run from the idea. See what I'm saying? The references to Christ and other biblical figures works well on Christians, even on those who might be considering "straying from the flock", so to speak, but to those who are anti-Christian and may be in need of some of the bible's wisdom, those references will only serve to cause them to close their ears.