Slept for a little bit. I'm all achey. :(
Don't know how tonight is going to go yet. I really don't want to be over there for long.
Wednesday, December 31, 2003
Have a good one!
Sockula here, just wanting to wish everyone a Happy New Year! Hit it guys!
We wish you a happy new year. We wish you a happy new year. We wish you a happy new yeeeeeeeeeear...
and many many more!
Rock on!
Tuesday, December 30, 2003
Our Body Challenge (3)
The New Year is coming. Dragon Con 2004 will feel more and more like a reality. 8 month Body Challenge. (& money challenge! I want to start that show!)
I want us both to feel happy and healthy.
I want us both to feel happy and healthy.
Re: Hardcore
...did you ever get anything back?
Nope, I never did, but that's ok by me. Until you're older, stuff like that might come off the wrong way anyway. I'd rather get no reply than have him get defensive. I didn't mean it in a bad way, after all, it was he who said "It's a way of life". I was actually just agreeing with him.
Spent some time talking with my therapist about it, a few weeks ago. She can relate on the Hippie = Punk level. It's not generation specific, "selling out" happens with people from the "subcultures" of all generations.
To some, it's a way of life and a belief system. To others, it's a fashion. Fashions fade, so in the end, you can always tell who the "poseurs" are.
Nope, I never did, but that's ok by me. Until you're older, stuff like that might come off the wrong way anyway. I'd rather get no reply than have him get defensive. I didn't mean it in a bad way, after all, it was he who said "It's a way of life". I was actually just agreeing with him.
Spent some time talking with my therapist about it, a few weeks ago. She can relate on the Hippie = Punk level. It's not generation specific, "selling out" happens with people from the "subcultures" of all generations.
To some, it's a way of life and a belief system. To others, it's a fashion. Fashions fade, so in the end, you can always tell who the "poseurs" are.
(Unusual Death?)
Attila the Hun
453 AD --- bled to death from a nosebleed on his wedding night.
I have to chuckle at this just a bit. It's happened to me, the whole nosebleed due to (AHem) popping a vein in your head (so to speak) thing, it's pretty embarrassing.
Good to know that I'm not alone in my occasional "weak constitution". *lol*
453 AD --- bled to death from a nosebleed on his wedding night.
I have to chuckle at this just a bit. It's happened to me, the whole nosebleed due to (AHem) popping a vein in your head (so to speak) thing, it's pretty embarrassing.
Good to know that I'm not alone in my occasional "weak constitution". *lol*
Hello (14) - I
I'm feeling a teeny bit better, but I don't want to jinx myself by saying anything about it.
I'll know better when the nose spray wears off. :\
<---- I envy him.
I'll know better when the nose spray wears off. :\
<---- I envy him.
Monday, December 29, 2003
Hello (13) 17
Fever woke me up. :\
Don't know how long I'll be up for.
I'm hoping to be able to talk to you in a bit. Hopefully the sniffs and coughs will stop long enough.
ow :(
Don't know how long I'll be up for.
I'm hoping to be able to talk to you in a bit. Hopefully the sniffs and coughs will stop long enough.
ow :(
Sunday, December 28, 2003
How u b? (10)
On top of the flu, and speaking of apartment troubles, my roof is again leaking and the mold is getting to me. True, it could be worse. My neighbor's roof actually caved in and all I have are drips and brown water stains, but along with the mold comes the nosebleeds. NOT something you want to deal with when you have the flu. You can't even be creative with it.
snif snif
snif snif
Hello (13) 15, 16
9:12 AM
nauseous
11:32 AM
nose is closing up
can't breathe right
think it's back to bed for me.
nauseous
11:32 AM
nose is closing up
can't breathe right
think it's back to bed for me.
Hardcore (the original version)
Sent this e-mail a while ago. Just felt like posting it here.
I browsed your site today and I did like the site a lot, but it got my brain running, and so I figured I'd write you.
As a Philly "Old head", I think that one thing, above ALL ELSE needs to be understood/said. We had our share of "poseurs" back in the late 70's - early 80's as well... the assholes from the burbs who would come in and shit in our squat, start fights at the shows... the "weekend punks" that flattened the sides of their hair and spiked the middle and called it a hawk, then went home to their moms and swimming pools and Docksiders.
I don't know jack shit about your scene, whether it be revived or brand new, but one thing that was said on your site is the key to ALL of it.
"When people get involved with something like hardcore, they think it is just the music...IT'S A WAY OF LIFE."
Most of the kids on your scene (as it was on my scene) are just that. Kids. Check back with them in 15 years or so and see where they're at then. That's when you find out who was who. It's not the guy who knows all the lyrics to all the songs and the names of all the bands and which member played in which one. It's not the guy with the coolest leather or the tallest hawk, or the largest collection of CDs. That's not the guy who isn't the poseur.
See that little freak sitting over there in the corner that you barely notice? That'll be the one who LIVES it. In 15 years, that person will still be living it, if they're living at all... because once you get into the adult world, and it's not about how tall your hawk is anymore and a cool jacket doesn't pay the rent, you're forced to lose it or live a life that's little more than torture. Knowing the lyrics doesn't put a roof over your head in the winter... and when you hit about 40, no one wants you crashing on their floor anymore.
That little freak in the corner, the one who's at the show because it's the only place they have to go where they don't get the shit kicked out of them. That's the one that's LIVING IT. That's the one that, 15 years from now, will still be living it, if they're living at all. You'll find them in jails, asylums, housing projects, and coffins. The world isn't made for Hardcore people. The world is made for sheep. If you're not a sheep and don't have a REALLY good run of good luck, your Hardcore ass will be pretty cold in the winter and keeping yourself from being locked up will become your only real job in life.
Today it's "cool", but tomorrow... it's COLD.
Yes, stay true to yourself... but there's a reason why they call it HARDcore. If you're not DAMN hard, you won't make it. You'll just be another Joe in a monkey suit who used to hang out with other kids who liked to stand out too.
See past all the noise and the colors. It's ABOUT something. It's about having a HARD CORE.
I browsed your site today and I did like the site a lot, but it got my brain running, and so I figured I'd write you.
As a Philly "Old head", I think that one thing, above ALL ELSE needs to be understood/said. We had our share of "poseurs" back in the late 70's - early 80's as well... the assholes from the burbs who would come in and shit in our squat, start fights at the shows... the "weekend punks" that flattened the sides of their hair and spiked the middle and called it a hawk, then went home to their moms and swimming pools and Docksiders.
I don't know jack shit about your scene, whether it be revived or brand new, but one thing that was said on your site is the key to ALL of it.
"When people get involved with something like hardcore, they think it is just the music...IT'S A WAY OF LIFE."
Most of the kids on your scene (as it was on my scene) are just that. Kids. Check back with them in 15 years or so and see where they're at then. That's when you find out who was who. It's not the guy who knows all the lyrics to all the songs and the names of all the bands and which member played in which one. It's not the guy with the coolest leather or the tallest hawk, or the largest collection of CDs. That's not the guy who isn't the poseur.
See that little freak sitting over there in the corner that you barely notice? That'll be the one who LIVES it. In 15 years, that person will still be living it, if they're living at all... because once you get into the adult world, and it's not about how tall your hawk is anymore and a cool jacket doesn't pay the rent, you're forced to lose it or live a life that's little more than torture. Knowing the lyrics doesn't put a roof over your head in the winter... and when you hit about 40, no one wants you crashing on their floor anymore.
That little freak in the corner, the one who's at the show because it's the only place they have to go where they don't get the shit kicked out of them. That's the one that's LIVING IT. That's the one that, 15 years from now, will still be living it, if they're living at all. You'll find them in jails, asylums, housing projects, and coffins. The world isn't made for Hardcore people. The world is made for sheep. If you're not a sheep and don't have a REALLY good run of good luck, your Hardcore ass will be pretty cold in the winter and keeping yourself from being locked up will become your only real job in life.
Today it's "cool", but tomorrow... it's COLD.
Yes, stay true to yourself... but there's a reason why they call it HARDcore. If you're not DAMN hard, you won't make it. You'll just be another Joe in a monkey suit who used to hang out with other kids who liked to stand out too.
See past all the noise and the colors. It's ABOUT something. It's about having a HARD CORE.
How u b? (9)
I'm hoping that I'll get over it quick. I almost never get sick like this. I can't remember the last time I got the flu. I think that I picked it up X-mas eve because I was visiting a neighbor. That's one good thing about being isolated, you never pick up those pesky flus and colds and shtuff.
Spent all day yesterday in bed waiting for my fever to break. :\ Hopefully today will go better.
Spent all day yesterday in bed waiting for my fever to break. :\ Hopefully today will go better.
(My Schedule - to S.)
I'm hoping that today will go better than yesterday. My fever stayed around 102 for quite a while.
My nose is bleeding because of the roof leaking again. (mold) I should be grateful though, my neighbor's roof actually caved in.
If you could make it up at some point today, it'd sure be appreciated... even just to drop off some milk and cold medicine. I don't think that you should really come in for long, because you don't want to get this... but I don't think that I can make it to the store.
Call if you can. I don't know how I'll be on Tuesday, but hopefully by Friday I'll be better. (Shopping day?)
My nose is bleeding because of the roof leaking again. (mold) I should be grateful though, my neighbor's roof actually caved in.
If you could make it up at some point today, it'd sure be appreciated... even just to drop off some milk and cold medicine. I don't think that you should really come in for long, because you don't want to get this... but I don't think that I can make it to the store.
Call if you can. I don't know how I'll be on Tuesday, but hopefully by Friday I'll be better. (Shopping day?)
Saturday, December 27, 2003
Dragon Con 2004 (w/A2 - 12)
248 days
I'm going to do this... somehow. I'm scared right now... not just about money, but about leaving here for a week. It's not that I don't trust (my neighbor)... but... she has some shady friends. Part of me wants to risk asking S. to stay here while I'm gone.
Paranoia.
The laptop is DEFINITELY coming with.
I'm going to do this... somehow. I'm scared right now... not just about money, but about leaving here for a week. It's not that I don't trust (my neighbor)... but... she has some shady friends. Part of me wants to risk asking S. to stay here while I'm gone.
Paranoia.
The laptop is DEFINITELY coming with.
Friday, December 26, 2003
Hello (13) 13
I took an Ativan to help get to sleep. I slept for a few hours. I was up and down all night, but I think that the Ativan helped.
Thanks for being there for me. It means a lot.
Hopefully we'll talk later. Have to find out the deal with the roof... and the front door lock is broken again. :\ I'm still tired, but bass man is still going and my ears are through with the earplugs. I can only hope that someone will be in the office today. I'm really worried that my apt. isn't going to pass the inspection... then I could be REALLY fucked.
Thanks for being there for me. It means a lot.
Hopefully we'll talk later. Have to find out the deal with the roof... and the front door lock is broken again. :\ I'm still tired, but bass man is still going and my ears are through with the earplugs. I can only hope that someone will be in the office today. I'm really worried that my apt. isn't going to pass the inspection... then I could be REALLY fucked.
Thursday, December 25, 2003
1122pm122503
The fact that it's 11:22 PM does not change the fact that I have an overwhelming urge to obliterate myself.
Another half hour or so and I'm going to have to lower the stereo. As much as I want to blast it and keep the fucker downstairs up (in revenge for his daily noise), two wrongs don't make a right.
Alice in Chains. The best music to come out of the 90's.
Another half hour or so and I'm going to have to lower the stereo. As much as I want to blast it and keep the fucker downstairs up (in revenge for his daily noise), two wrongs don't make a right.
Alice in Chains. The best music to come out of the 90's.
Alice In Chains
Bury Me Softly In This Womb
I Give This Part Of Me For You
Sand Rains Down And Here I Sit
Holding Rare Flowers
In A Tomb.....In Bloom
Down In A Hole And I Don't Know
If I Can Be Saved
See My Heart I Decorate It
Like A Grave
You Don't Understand Who They
Thought I Was Supposed To Be
Look At Me Now A Man
Who Won't Let Himself Be
Down In A Hole, Losin' My Soul
Down In A Hole, Losin' Control
I'd Like To Fly
But My Wings Have Been So Denied
Down In A Hole And They've Put All
The Stones In Their Place
I've Eaten The Sun So My Tongue
Has Been Burned Of The Taste
I Have Been Guilty
Of Kicking Myself In The Teeth
I Will Speak No More
Of My Feelings Beneath
Oh I Want To Be Inside Of You
Down In A Hole, Losin' My Soul
Down In A Hole, Feelin' So Small
Down In A Hole, Losin' My Soul
Down In A Hole, Out Of Control
I'd Like To Fly
But My Wings Have Been So Denied
Ain't Found A Way To
Kill Me Yet
Eyes Burn With Stinging
Sweat
Seems Every Path Leads Me To
Nowhere
Wife And Kids And Household Pet
Army Green Was No Safe Bet
The Bullets Scream To Me From Somewhere
Here They Come To Snuff The Rooster
Yeah Here Come The Rooster
You Know He Ain't Gonna Die
Walkin' Tall Machine Gun Man
They Spit On Me In My Homeland
Gloria Sent Me Pictures
Of My Boy
Got My Pills 'Gainst
Mosquito Death
My Buddy's Breathin'
His Dyin' Breath
Oh God Please Won't You Help
Me Make It Through
Alice In Chains - "Down In A Hole" & "Rooster"
I Give This Part Of Me For You
Sand Rains Down And Here I Sit
Holding Rare Flowers
In A Tomb.....In Bloom
Down In A Hole And I Don't Know
If I Can Be Saved
See My Heart I Decorate It
Like A Grave
You Don't Understand Who They
Thought I Was Supposed To Be
Look At Me Now A Man
Who Won't Let Himself Be
Down In A Hole, Losin' My Soul
Down In A Hole, Losin' Control
I'd Like To Fly
But My Wings Have Been So Denied
Down In A Hole And They've Put All
The Stones In Their Place
I've Eaten The Sun So My Tongue
Has Been Burned Of The Taste
I Have Been Guilty
Of Kicking Myself In The Teeth
I Will Speak No More
Of My Feelings Beneath
Oh I Want To Be Inside Of You
Down In A Hole, Losin' My Soul
Down In A Hole, Feelin' So Small
Down In A Hole, Losin' My Soul
Down In A Hole, Out Of Control
I'd Like To Fly
But My Wings Have Been So Denied
Ain't Found A Way To
Kill Me Yet
Eyes Burn With Stinging
Sweat
Seems Every Path Leads Me To
Nowhere
Wife And Kids And Household Pet
Army Green Was No Safe Bet
The Bullets Scream To Me From Somewhere
Here They Come To Snuff The Rooster
Yeah Here Come The Rooster
You Know He Ain't Gonna Die
Walkin' Tall Machine Gun Man
They Spit On Me In My Homeland
Gloria Sent Me Pictures
Of My Boy
Got My Pills 'Gainst
Mosquito Death
My Buddy's Breathin'
His Dyin' Breath
Oh God Please Won't You Help
Me Make It Through
Alice In Chains - "Down In A Hole" & "Rooster"
Tuesday, December 23, 2003
Hello (13) 12
Called L. Mk is heading to the liquor store tonight, so she's going to get him to grab the stuff for me, and she'll drop it off tomorrow. :D I made sure to only get things for my neighbor's gift. ;)
Why?
I'm labeled "crazy", but I keep "meeting" people who are not and who I think are completely fucked in the head.
Am I that far gone, or am I just one of the few truly sane ones?
I guess I'll never really know.
Monday, December 22, 2003
Sunday, December 21, 2003
always
The first cut - goes deeper in
Each impression
Makes a chain reaction
Each impression
Will never be never be never be broken
Saturday, December 20, 2003
Saturday afternoon
Childhood living is easy to do
The things you wanted I bought them for you
Graceless lady, you know who I am,
You know I can't let you slide through my hands
Wild Horses, Couldn't drag me away,
Wild, wild horses, Couldn't drag me away...
I watched you suffer a dull, aching pain
Now you decided to show me the same
No sweeping exits or offstage lines,
Can make me feel bitter or treat you unkind
Wild Horses, Couldn't drag me away,
Wild, wild horses, Couldn't drag me away...
I know I dreamed you a sin and a lie,
I have my freedom but I don't have much time
Faith has been broken tears must be cried,
Let's do some living after we die
Wild Horses, Couldn't drag me away,
Wild, wild horses, We'll ride them someday
Rolling Stones - Wild Horses
The things you wanted I bought them for you
Graceless lady, you know who I am,
You know I can't let you slide through my hands
Wild Horses, Couldn't drag me away,
Wild, wild horses, Couldn't drag me away...
I watched you suffer a dull, aching pain
Now you decided to show me the same
No sweeping exits or offstage lines,
Can make me feel bitter or treat you unkind
Wild Horses, Couldn't drag me away,
Wild, wild horses, Couldn't drag me away...
I know I dreamed you a sin and a lie,
I have my freedom but I don't have much time
Faith has been broken tears must be cried,
Let's do some living after we die
Wild Horses, Couldn't drag me away,
Wild, wild horses, We'll ride them someday
Rolling Stones - Wild Horses
Yeah, but I can do 20 push ups. (4)
I don't know that I could do 20 push ups now. The last month or so has been hellish. I can only hope that I can get back on the horse at some point soon.
Went to the doc yesterday. It was exactly 6 months from when I was there last. I lost 18 lbs total, but my body fat % went from 27 to 19, and that's a lot more important to me.
I hate that my head is fucked up. :(
Went to the doc yesterday. It was exactly 6 months from when I was there last. I lost 18 lbs total, but my body fat % went from 27 to 19, and that's a lot more important to me.
I hate that my head is fucked up. :(
Dragon Con (Board gathering) - 7
Dragon Con starts in 258 days
trying so hard to make it :\
I really hate this time of year.
trying so hard to make it :\
I really hate this time of year.
Thursday, December 18, 2003
Hello (13) 8, 9
5:29 AM
this is getting really old
12:24 PM
really really fucking tired.
Waiting on S. I don't know how long I'll be waiting on S. fun fun fun
this is getting really old
12:24 PM
really really fucking tired.
Waiting on S. I don't know how long I'll be waiting on S. fun fun fun
Wednesday, December 17, 2003
Hello (13) 7
I'm very very tired.
I think that what I'm going to do is attempt a nap. I'm hoping that when I get up I'll feel like working out. Forcing myself to drink a Slim Fast because I have no appetite. :\
I think that what I'm going to do is attempt a nap. I'm hoping that when I get up I'll feel like working out. Forcing myself to drink a Slim Fast because I have no appetite. :\
Scars (3) (more of the original)
I guess that a lot of this comes up this time of year because of what the holidays used to entail.
I was thinking, earlier this month, that the reason why Sept. - Jan. was always so rough for me was because of being locked up during that time period. Spent most of last night's session talking about all of this. Won't get back to talk about it until January 6th.
Pisses me off that these people go on vacation. Even people who aren't head cases have trouble during the holidays. It's a damn shrink's office!!!! VACATION? NOW?!?!?!?
That's aside from the point though.
Spent the session talking about 8th - 9th grades... about how bad things got... about what was really important to me (my drums, GIRLS!, and my friends - who basically saved my life).
Talked about how the holidays usually went... the fights and humiliation... about how after 8th grade, I started "putting my foot down". (heh heh. I guess my invisiballs dropped.)
Music had a big part to play in my "awakening". I got a walkman for my graduation. Before then, I listened to a transistor radio that I had gotten from a family member's basement stash of "old things not being used". I would put it under my pillow to muffle the sound, or use an earplug. (One of those white ones, remember?) Anyway, thanks to Boy George, I found the courage to start standing up for myself. I owe that guy my life!
I got my brother a radio when he graduated 8th grade. It was a while before he really got into the music thing... but I guess I just wanted to give him something that might help him get through his own hell. I guess it was symbolic in a way.
Digressing again
Looking at the photos hurts. I have a few of them tucked away, as I said. The last pictures taken of me in a dress were from 8th grade graduation. From that point forward, one by one, I took things into my own hands, and as I did, my "parents", of course, responded by "punishing" me.
It was my loss. I didn't have the guidance I needed. My brother lost out not having me around. My sister lost out (and still holds a grudge) because of my leaving. Yes, I won in that I circumvented suicide, but 20 years later, I'm still trying to live.
I don't know how to be a "normal" guy, not because I don't have nuts to stuff into my jeans, but because at the age I needed guidance, my only source was Boy George and the street.
I was thinking, earlier this month, that the reason why Sept. - Jan. was always so rough for me was because of being locked up during that time period. Spent most of last night's session talking about all of this. Won't get back to talk about it until January 6th.
Pisses me off that these people go on vacation. Even people who aren't head cases have trouble during the holidays. It's a damn shrink's office!!!! VACATION? NOW?!?!?!?
That's aside from the point though.
Spent the session talking about 8th - 9th grades... about how bad things got... about what was really important to me (my drums, GIRLS!, and my friends - who basically saved my life).
Talked about how the holidays usually went... the fights and humiliation... about how after 8th grade, I started "putting my foot down". (heh heh. I guess my invisiballs dropped.)
Music had a big part to play in my "awakening". I got a walkman for my graduation. Before then, I listened to a transistor radio that I had gotten from a family member's basement stash of "old things not being used". I would put it under my pillow to muffle the sound, or use an earplug. (One of those white ones, remember?) Anyway, thanks to Boy George, I found the courage to start standing up for myself. I owe that guy my life!
I got my brother a radio when he graduated 8th grade. It was a while before he really got into the music thing... but I guess I just wanted to give him something that might help him get through his own hell. I guess it was symbolic in a way.
Digressing again
Looking at the photos hurts. I have a few of them tucked away, as I said. The last pictures taken of me in a dress were from 8th grade graduation. From that point forward, one by one, I took things into my own hands, and as I did, my "parents", of course, responded by "punishing" me.
It was my loss. I didn't have the guidance I needed. My brother lost out not having me around. My sister lost out (and still holds a grudge) because of my leaving. Yes, I won in that I circumvented suicide, but 20 years later, I'm still trying to live.
I don't know how to be a "normal" guy, not because I don't have nuts to stuff into my jeans, but because at the age I needed guidance, my only source was Boy George and the street.
Tuesday, December 16, 2003
Hello (13) 6
My head is pretty messy. I might hide in bed until I have to leave.
cobwebs! cobwebs between the ears I tell you!
cobwebs! cobwebs between the ears I tell you!
Scars (2) (the original)
It's tough to talk about, all the sex and gender stuff.
Pictures are rough. Beyond rough, actually. I see pictures of myself when I was younger, with very few exceptions, and I'm a mess. It's seeing pictures of myself being abused.... tortured... and knowing that people find pleasure in those pictures. I can't even really put into words how it makes me feel. Suicidal would be close.
I "stole" a bunch of pictures from my mother. I'm often caught with what to do with them... save them or burn them. Saving them... there's proof... there's proof of what they did. Burning them would feel good though... a symbolic "fuck you".
The pic I have on my page is one of the few from that time period that I don't completely lose my shit over. Many of the pics that exist are from "holidays". "Holidays" were the worst. The fights were beyond bad. It was all about getting me dressed. The last holiday, before I left home, my stepfather pushed me down the stairs and had me backed against the wall. I wouldn't put the clothing on that they wanted me to.
It was always like that. September is "Jewish New Year", then there's Thanksgiving, then Chanukah, and finally New Year's. New Year's was a little less horrible than the rest.
It's funny. They blame everything for my leaving home. I wanted to be rebellious. Drugs. Whatever they can. I think it's really ridiculous that it never occurs to them that underneath it all, aside from a lot of it - the physical abuse, the dysfunction, the traumas and their effect - the reason I left home was because they were trying to turn me into a girl.
I could have dealt with strict. I could have dealt with getting my ass kicked every now and again. I could have dealt with ridiculous rules. I could have dealt with a lot of things. I could not deal with being forced to wear dresses. I could not deal with being punished for who I am.
I was nice. I was respectful. I was well mannered. I was funny, talented, intelligent, and creative. I just wasn't a girl.
To this day, they'll say that I am/was/etc. That abuse continues. They'll want me to see old photo albums... thinking that I'll see them and smile. They'll point out that they changed my diapers.
I hate them. All of them.
I do what I can to control the effects of the rage. It's a full time job.
Maybe all I want is for, one day, for them to apologize... and to treat me with respect... To realize that they were wrong for what they did to me... for what they've done to me for 34 years.
It's not the easiest thing being different. My body is different... but that just makes me a guy who's different, not a girl. It wasn't about wanting to be a guy. I am a guy. I just wanted to be myself. It took me a long time to undo what I could of the damage they did. ...the programming runs so deep... It took me a long time to realize that no matter what I did, I could not become what they wanted me to be. I did try. Through all the fights and the breakdowns and the suffering, I tried. You just can't be someone you're not. It doesn't matter what you wear, you are who you are. In a dress, I was a guy in a dress. Guys can wear dresses, if they want... it's ok. It's just not ok to force someone to wear clothing that they don't want to wear because of the message it sends. It's not ok to put a dog into a cat suit. It's not ok to abuse a dog in every way possible to make it into the cat you so desperately want it to be.
All they had to do was listen. All they had to do was give me the benefit of the doubt.
Pictures are rough. Beyond rough, actually. I see pictures of myself when I was younger, with very few exceptions, and I'm a mess. It's seeing pictures of myself being abused.... tortured... and knowing that people find pleasure in those pictures. I can't even really put into words how it makes me feel. Suicidal would be close.
I "stole" a bunch of pictures from my mother. I'm often caught with what to do with them... save them or burn them. Saving them... there's proof... there's proof of what they did. Burning them would feel good though... a symbolic "fuck you".
The pic I have on my page is one of the few from that time period that I don't completely lose my shit over. Many of the pics that exist are from "holidays". "Holidays" were the worst. The fights were beyond bad. It was all about getting me dressed. The last holiday, before I left home, my stepfather pushed me down the stairs and had me backed against the wall. I wouldn't put the clothing on that they wanted me to.
It was always like that. September is "Jewish New Year", then there's Thanksgiving, then Chanukah, and finally New Year's. New Year's was a little less horrible than the rest.
It's funny. They blame everything for my leaving home. I wanted to be rebellious. Drugs. Whatever they can. I think it's really ridiculous that it never occurs to them that underneath it all, aside from a lot of it - the physical abuse, the dysfunction, the traumas and their effect - the reason I left home was because they were trying to turn me into a girl.
I could have dealt with strict. I could have dealt with getting my ass kicked every now and again. I could have dealt with ridiculous rules. I could have dealt with a lot of things. I could not deal with being forced to wear dresses. I could not deal with being punished for who I am.
I was nice. I was respectful. I was well mannered. I was funny, talented, intelligent, and creative. I just wasn't a girl.
To this day, they'll say that I am/was/etc. That abuse continues. They'll want me to see old photo albums... thinking that I'll see them and smile. They'll point out that they changed my diapers.
I hate them. All of them.
I do what I can to control the effects of the rage. It's a full time job.
Maybe all I want is for, one day, for them to apologize... and to treat me with respect... To realize that they were wrong for what they did to me... for what they've done to me for 34 years.
It's not the easiest thing being different. My body is different... but that just makes me a guy who's different, not a girl. It wasn't about wanting to be a guy. I am a guy. I just wanted to be myself. It took me a long time to undo what I could of the damage they did. ...the programming runs so deep... It took me a long time to realize that no matter what I did, I could not become what they wanted me to be. I did try. Through all the fights and the breakdowns and the suffering, I tried. You just can't be someone you're not. It doesn't matter what you wear, you are who you are. In a dress, I was a guy in a dress. Guys can wear dresses, if they want... it's ok. It's just not ok to force someone to wear clothing that they don't want to wear because of the message it sends. It's not ok to put a dog into a cat suit. It's not ok to abuse a dog in every way possible to make it into the cat you so desperately want it to be.
All they had to do was listen. All they had to do was give me the benefit of the doubt.
Monday, December 15, 2003
Scars (1)
When I was younger, one of the ways my mother tortured me was to "not allow" me to cut my hair.
As my mouth developed, her ways of torturing me multiplied.
About the age of 14, I took things (like scissors) into my own hands. I was punished, yes, but what scarred me even more were comments that were made by others.
If you go to my web page and look at the 14 year old pic, this is the time period I'm talking about.
One of my relatives, who shall remain nameless, reacted to me by tell me that my hair looked very "feminine".
I really need to know. Do I look "feminine" in that picture? I don't want to be pacified, I want honest input. If I really did look feminine, I can deal with that... but I really just want to know.
having issues.
As my mouth developed, her ways of torturing me multiplied.
About the age of 14, I took things (like scissors) into my own hands. I was punished, yes, but what scarred me even more were comments that were made by others.
If you go to my web page and look at the 14 year old pic, this is the time period I'm talking about.
One of my relatives, who shall remain nameless, reacted to me by tell me that my hair looked very "feminine".
I really need to know. Do I look "feminine" in that picture? I don't want to be pacified, I want honest input. If I really did look feminine, I can deal with that... but I really just want to know.
having issues.
honestly (2)
Looking like a teenaged boy... yeah... I looked that way for a good decade or so, and it was a bit annoying. Teenaged boys aren't exactly respected very much.
I guess that what I'm really asking about is the gender stuff. People thought I was a teenaged boy... but my mother countered that with her opinion. I guess that what I'm asking is that, going by that picture, would you think that I was anything other than a teenaged boy? Do I look like a girl in the least? To me, I can't tell. Like I said, I see my mother.
If I slapped that photo up on a random page, would anyone think anything other than "teenaged boy"? If (let's say) your mom saw that pic, would she think "wow, he was feminine featured when he was younger!"?
I mean, I know what people thought. Even my psych records have all the "he's" and "she's" scribbled out in order to correct the "mistakes" of the docs... but I think that in my head, a part of me writes that off to their just either being "old fashioned" or not paying attention.
I trust you. I'm asking you because I know that if I ask, you'll be honest with me. If you said "I would have thought that you were a girl", it wouldn't offend me or hurt me.
See, there's still a part of me that thinks that people will look at me and think that I'm not "normal"... that I'm really a "girl". Not just looking at old photos, but looking at me now. I think that people are "just being nice" or they "can't put their finger on it" but see something "off".
deep scars
I guess that what I'm really asking about is the gender stuff. People thought I was a teenaged boy... but my mother countered that with her opinion. I guess that what I'm asking is that, going by that picture, would you think that I was anything other than a teenaged boy? Do I look like a girl in the least? To me, I can't tell. Like I said, I see my mother.
If I slapped that photo up on a random page, would anyone think anything other than "teenaged boy"? If (let's say) your mom saw that pic, would she think "wow, he was feminine featured when he was younger!"?
I mean, I know what people thought. Even my psych records have all the "he's" and "she's" scribbled out in order to correct the "mistakes" of the docs... but I think that in my head, a part of me writes that off to their just either being "old fashioned" or not paying attention.
I trust you. I'm asking you because I know that if I ask, you'll be honest with me. If you said "I would have thought that you were a girl", it wouldn't offend me or hurt me.
See, there's still a part of me that thinks that people will look at me and think that I'm not "normal"... that I'm really a "girl". Not just looking at old photos, but looking at me now. I think that people are "just being nice" or they "can't put their finger on it" but see something "off".
deep scars
Hate (2)
Most of the time, with posts like these, my apparent questions are rhetorical. I don't know that there are any real answers... no "universal definitions".
Hate and rage, to me, are, although often linked, not necessarily partners. I can experience rage without feeing hate. I can feel hate without experiencing rage.
Can rage be channelled? In my opinion, no. Not true rage. If that state of being is "channellable", it's not really rage. Rage can't be channelled. Rage is rage. There's no controlling it. If you can control it, it's something else. Anger, hurt, upset, maybe even fear.... but not rage. To me, "rage" is one of those "insanity" things. There's no making sense of it. Is it "hate based"? I don't know. I think that maybe sometimes it is... but then, I think that it's often "love based" as well.
Hate and rage, to me, are, although often linked, not necessarily partners. I can experience rage without feeing hate. I can feel hate without experiencing rage.
Can rage be channelled? In my opinion, no. Not true rage. If that state of being is "channellable", it's not really rage. Rage can't be channelled. Rage is rage. There's no controlling it. If you can control it, it's something else. Anger, hurt, upset, maybe even fear.... but not rage. To me, "rage" is one of those "insanity" things. There's no making sense of it. Is it "hate based"? I don't know. I think that maybe sometimes it is... but then, I think that it's often "love based" as well.
Hello (13) 3, 4
fucking insomnia
3:44 PM
Still out of it, but up. :\
Need to do something physical, and eat and shower and stop myself from crawling back into bed and not kill anyone and not kill myself... the list just goes on and on.
3:44 PM
Still out of it, but up. :\
Need to do something physical, and eat and shower and stop myself from crawling back into bed and not kill anyone and not kill myself... the list just goes on and on.
(Don't you remember?)
(Luther's version of it is just sort of playing over and over in my head...)
Long ago, and, oh, so far away
I fell in love with you before the second show.
Your guitar, it sounds so sweet and clear, but you're not really here.
It's just the radio.
Don't you remember you told me you loved me baby?
You said you'd be coming back this way again baby.
Baby, baby, baby, baby, oh, baby.
I love you, I really do.
Loneliness is such a sad affair, and I can hardly wait to be with you again.
What to say, to make you come again?
Come back to me again, and play your sad guitar.
("Superstar" - Words and Music: Leon Russell & Bonnie Bramlett / Perf. by The Carpenters, Luther Vandross)
Long ago, and, oh, so far away
I fell in love with you before the second show.
Your guitar, it sounds so sweet and clear, but you're not really here.
It's just the radio.
Don't you remember you told me you loved me baby?
You said you'd be coming back this way again baby.
Baby, baby, baby, baby, oh, baby.
I love you, I really do.
Loneliness is such a sad affair, and I can hardly wait to be with you again.
What to say, to make you come again?
Come back to me again, and play your sad guitar.
("Superstar" - Words and Music: Leon Russell & Bonnie Bramlett / Perf. by The Carpenters, Luther Vandross)
Sunday, December 14, 2003
Hello (13) 2
My floor is vibrating. This is the loudest it's ever been.
Knocked on (my neighbor down the hall's) door and got her to verify that I'm not just being a lunatic. Even she heard it yesterday.
Doesn't make it stop though... and I'm a mess. Can't stop shaking.
Knocked on (my neighbor down the hall's) door and got her to verify that I'm not just being a lunatic. Even she heard it yesterday.
Doesn't make it stop though... and I'm a mess. Can't stop shaking.
honestly (1)
ok, here's my pic without my beard. Honestly, do you think that 1. I have no chin or that 2. I look too feminine?
When I look at that pic, all I see is my mother. True, I see (dad-unit 1) when I look at pics of me with the beard, but I guess it's a matter of "hate". I hate my mother more than (dad-unit 1), so seeing the resemblance to her makes me feel a bit more ill than I feel with others in which I resemble him. :\
When I look at that pic, all I see is my mother. True, I see (dad-unit 1) when I look at pics of me with the beard, but I guess it's a matter of "hate". I hate my mother more than (dad-unit 1), so seeing the resemblance to her makes me feel a bit more ill than I feel with others in which I resemble him. :\
Saturday, December 13, 2003
How u b? (6)
Thanks, N.! I'll certainly try it. Not sure where to get hot glue, but I'm sure that I'll find it.
There are some murmurs in my life about my moving. I don't want to get my hopes up, but there's a good chance that I'll be getting back to Philly in about a year and a half. (Once I'm there, I'm SUPERgluing myself to the damn pavement!)
I think that I can find some hot glue by then. ;)
There are some murmurs in my life about my moving. I don't want to get my hopes up, but there's a good chance that I'll be getting back to Philly in about a year and a half. (Once I'm there, I'm SUPERgluing myself to the damn pavement!)
I think that I can find some hot glue by then. ;)
Hello (13) 1
Bass man was going until 4 again. I think that I managed to get to sleep about 2:30 (thanks to the earplugs), but he was still going when I had my first wake up around 4.
We watched 9 to 5 on CMT last night. :\
Shot went well. :D
Trying to decide whether or not to get milk today. Should have got it last night while my brother was here, but I sort of forgot. Not sure if what I have will last until Tuesday, and if we get snow, there's no stopping anyway. :\
We watched 9 to 5 on CMT last night. :\
Shot went well. :D
Trying to decide whether or not to get milk today. Should have got it last night while my brother was here, but I sort of forgot. Not sure if what I have will last until Tuesday, and if we get snow, there's no stopping anyway. :\
Hate (1)
It's a pretty powerful feeling.
I've linked it to love. It seems that in order to hate someone, you either have to love them first, or have them hurt someone you do love.
Then there's the kind of hate like "I hate my neighbor" that I feel when he plays his tv at volume level 10 at 3 in the morning.
... and the sort of hate that I feel towards "bad" music.
I often wonder about "hate". I wonder if soldiers "hate" the enemy. I wonder if fag bashers "hate" gay people. I wonder if Pro-Lifers "hate" Doctors who perform abortions. I wonder what hate is... wonder why it exists.
Is "rage" hate-based?
Is a "hate crime" really about actual hate?
Is hate really hurt in disguise? Fear in disguise? Is it just a mood?
I've linked it to love. It seems that in order to hate someone, you either have to love them first, or have them hurt someone you do love.
Then there's the kind of hate like "I hate my neighbor" that I feel when he plays his tv at volume level 10 at 3 in the morning.
... and the sort of hate that I feel towards "bad" music.
I often wonder about "hate". I wonder if soldiers "hate" the enemy. I wonder if fag bashers "hate" gay people. I wonder if Pro-Lifers "hate" Doctors who perform abortions. I wonder what hate is... wonder why it exists.
Is "rage" hate-based?
Is a "hate crime" really about actual hate?
Is hate really hurt in disguise? Fear in disguise? Is it just a mood?
Friday, December 12, 2003
Recipes (5)
Made the London Broil recipe using "round steaks" the other day. It turned out REALLY good.
The only down side to the recipe is the salt content. True, salt is yummy, but there's a lot of it making it this way.
I do like the whole oven bag thing. Saves on foil and you can pack more into the thing. (takes 2 and a half hours though :\) I made 3 steaks, 6 potatoes, 3 carrots, 6 cloves of garlic, and about 4 nice sized onions. I still have left overs. :D
The only down side to the recipe is the salt content. True, salt is yummy, but there's a lot of it making it this way.
I do like the whole oven bag thing. Saves on foil and you can pack more into the thing. (takes 2 and a half hours though :\) I made 3 steaks, 6 potatoes, 3 carrots, 6 cloves of garlic, and about 4 nice sized onions. I still have left overs. :D
(The Muppet Show?)
My favorites were Beaker, The Chef, and of course, Animal.
I don't know about an all Muppet Show channel, but I'd be thumbs up about a Henson channel. They could show the old Sesame Streets too. :D
I don't know about an all Muppet Show channel, but I'd be thumbs up about a Henson channel. They could show the old Sesame Streets too. :D
(Still avatar hunting)
Usually, my next big "shift" usually happens sometime in late January or February. This cycle (@ my birthday - then) is my most difficult. I'm hoping that by then (if I fucking make it!) something will grab me, avatar-wise. I have a bunch put aside that I raised a brow over, but nothing yet that I feel fits. Woofy is perfect all the way around, even more perfect than a lot of the older ones were, but I guess there's still a part of me (or 2?) that doesn't feel expressed, so to speak.
Long-winded way of saying that I'm still looking. :\
Long-winded way of saying that I'm still looking. :\
Thursday, December 11, 2003
When did I get so scared?
We spend our 20s trying to "do right" and "be adult". By the time we hit 30 or so we figure out that we really did have all the answers at 16. Somewhere along the line we just forgot them.
Wednesday, December 10, 2003
Age
Most people I talk with seem to have the "I shouldn't have made it this far" opinion of themselves. Whether that says a lot about the human race or a lot about the people I talk to, I don't know, but it does seem to be the case.
I think that what brings me back to reality, so to speak, with my age, is not a mirror, but other people. I may feel 16 sometimes (or what I think 16 feels like because that's the way I felt at 16), but all I have to do is be around a 16 year old for a second and I realize that I'm definitely 34.
I also realize it in my attractions to other people. The people I find attractive are about my age. A 16 year old looks like a baby to me. There's no romantic interest there.
"Old people" keep looking younger and younger to me.... that part scares me. Over 40 used to look old to me (when I was a kid). Now 40 or so can look pretty darn tasty, in some cases. Some people in their 50's look old. It's over 70 that's "old" the way 50 or 60 was old to me when I was a teenager.
Am I a "normal" 34 year old? ...am I where I should be, focus-wise and maturity-wise, for a 34 year old? I don't know that I can answer that question. I'd have to ask a few people who are at least a good 10 years older than I am to really know for sure. I've always felt old... or what I perceived "old" to feel like. The older I get though, the more I think that it's just a language thing... it's not that I felt (or feel) "old".... it's tired. Not all "old" people feel tired. There's an epiphany.
I think that what brings me back to reality, so to speak, with my age, is not a mirror, but other people. I may feel 16 sometimes (or what I think 16 feels like because that's the way I felt at 16), but all I have to do is be around a 16 year old for a second and I realize that I'm definitely 34.
I also realize it in my attractions to other people. The people I find attractive are about my age. A 16 year old looks like a baby to me. There's no romantic interest there.
"Old people" keep looking younger and younger to me.... that part scares me. Over 40 used to look old to me (when I was a kid). Now 40 or so can look pretty darn tasty, in some cases. Some people in their 50's look old. It's over 70 that's "old" the way 50 or 60 was old to me when I was a teenager.
Am I a "normal" 34 year old? ...am I where I should be, focus-wise and maturity-wise, for a 34 year old? I don't know that I can answer that question. I'd have to ask a few people who are at least a good 10 years older than I am to really know for sure. I've always felt old... or what I perceived "old" to feel like. The older I get though, the more I think that it's just a language thing... it's not that I felt (or feel) "old".... it's tired. Not all "old" people feel tired. There's an epiphany.
I just have to say...
I really hate this time of year.
I'm NOT doing well at all.
I'm alive though... for the moment.
I'm NOT doing well at all.
I'm alive though... for the moment.
Tuesday, December 9, 2003
(Poor Ozzy.)
I know all about those anti-psycho drugs. :\
The more I read about Ozzy, the more I can relate to him.
The more I read about Ozzy, the more I can relate to him.
Monday, December 8, 2003
Sunday, December 7, 2003
Dragon Con (Board gathering) - 6
In all likelihood, this will be my last Dragon Con... but... I really think that we should start a YankeeCon. Shoot, I've been flying south (birdy metaphor) for 4 years... there are a bunch of us in the North. Boston? I'm a BIG fan of MassiveJewZits. Boston is accessible. Salem isn't. I like Salem, but it's not the easiest town to get to if you're coming from afar.
Maybe in 2005 we can do Boston instead.
I wanna meet Na.
Maybe in 2005 we can do Boston instead.
I wanna meet Na.
Hello (12) - VIII, IX
5:07 AM
Talked to Crr for a couple of hours. Not like I'll be able to remember 90% of the conversation, as I'm on beer #5, but the caller ID box said 2 hours 40 minutes.
She's friendly. Wants me to come visit her. Offered to pay. :\ I told her that I'm not ruling it out, but that it'd have to be VERY planned.
I dunno... I feel weird about it. I should probably push myself to go... but at the moment, the only place I want to go is to bed.
Hopefully I'll be able to remember some of the conversation tomorrow.
I dunno. She seems ok. Hopefully she'll post more. I still don't feel like I know her all that well.
must go steal tasty crunchy peanuts now... and hide in bed.
1:03 PM
My head hurts. Too much beer.
Talked to Crr for a couple of hours. Not like I'll be able to remember 90% of the conversation, as I'm on beer #5, but the caller ID box said 2 hours 40 minutes.
She's friendly. Wants me to come visit her. Offered to pay. :\ I told her that I'm not ruling it out, but that it'd have to be VERY planned.
I dunno... I feel weird about it. I should probably push myself to go... but at the moment, the only place I want to go is to bed.
Hopefully I'll be able to remember some of the conversation tomorrow.
I dunno. She seems ok. Hopefully she'll post more. I still don't feel like I know her all that well.
must go steal tasty crunchy peanuts now... and hide in bed.
1:03 PM
My head hurts.
Too much beer.Saturday, December 6, 2003
When I was let out...
Don't know why I ended up browsing this stuff. It tied into looking for a new Avatar... but somehow, I ended up on this page.
Really creepy. I think I was "discharged" January 3rd. 9 years older than me... She would've been on N-5? N-2? C building?
There really are no words. None that I could hear and respond to with any measure of politeness. That's why I'm putting this in the No Reply section.
Here's a link to the main page.
If you get the chance, spend some time at the site.
Really creepy. I think I was "discharged" January 3rd. 9 years older than me... She would've been on N-5? N-2? C building?
There really are no words. None that I could hear and respond to with any measure of politeness. That's why I'm putting this in the No Reply section.
Here's a link to the main page.
If you get the chance, spend some time at the site.
Friday, December 5, 2003
Just something to chew on
Deep down inside, we're all the first Halloween costume character we chose ourselves.
With love,
Pinocchio
With love,
Pinocchio
Hello (12) - V, VI
1:00 AM
S. will be here in about an hour.
Gee... I'm so glad I drank that beer.
this is me... drinking coffee
5:06 AM
S. just left.
The green and yellow are creeping towards me on the map. They're covering S.'s area now.
The foodstore was completely ransacked. :\
Hopefully I can get some sleep soon. With my luck, the schools will be closed and I'll have to deal with the screachers all day.
6:29 AM
We're about 15 minutes away from the beginning of the storm.
I'll probably sleep through it. *yawns*
S. will be here in about an hour.
Gee... I'm so glad I drank that beer.
this is me... drinking coffee
5:06 AM
S. just left.
The green and yellow are creeping towards me on the map. They're covering S.'s area now.
The foodstore was completely ransacked. :\
Hopefully I can get some sleep soon. With my luck, the schools will be closed and I'll have to deal with the screachers all day.
6:29 AM
We're about 15 minutes away from the beginning of the storm.
I'll probably sleep through it. *yawns*
Thursday, December 4, 2003
Hello (12) - III, IV
7:29 PM
Day isn't going too well. :\
9:31 PM
Called L. Don't know why I bother. I wonder how long it would take for her to call me if I didn't call her first.
I don't know if I bring it on myself or what... but it sure feels crappy.
Bought some beer.
Did 20 push ups, 20 crunches, and a few reps with the weights. I think it was 6 minutes total.
Go me. :\
Day isn't going too well. :\
9:31 PM
Called L. Don't know why I bother. I wonder how long it would take for her to call me if I didn't call her first.
I don't know if I bring it on myself or what... but it sure feels crappy.
Bought some beer.
Did 20 push ups, 20 crunches, and a few reps with the weights. I think it was 6 minutes total.
Go me. :\
(Still looking for a new avatar.)
I'm still looking. The ones I've found that I'd even consider are rather... "inappropriate". I'll come across something though.
Wish I had a scanner. (It's on my list! Right after more weight stuff, an external cd-rom drive, bag for travel, the new Heart CD, new pillows, pots and pans, bathroom shelf, mirror, clothing that fits, and a little, bedroom sized, tv to replace the one that's nearly dead I've been trying to watch. Of course, all of that is on the list after I have the cash for Dragon Con. :\ )
Wish I had a scanner. (It's on my list! Right after more weight stuff, an external cd-rom drive, bag for travel, the new Heart CD, new pillows, pots and pans, bathroom shelf, mirror, clothing that fits, and a little, bedroom sized, tv to replace the one that's nearly dead I've been trying to watch. Of course, all of that is on the list after I have the cash for Dragon Con. :\ )
Hello (12) - II
Nothing like having to shoo the kids away from my wall to put me in a good mood. :\
Finally fell asleep around 2ish.
It's gonna be a long day.
Finally fell asleep around 2ish.
It's gonna be a long day.
Wednesday, December 3, 2003
Hello (12) - I
I have to work out tomorrow.
I need to be in bed by 11... that means off the phone by 10:30.
I'm starting to really beat myself up about this. :\
I need to be in bed by 11... that means off the phone by 10:30.
I'm starting to really beat myself up about this. :\
My nephew (part 4)
It's not on you to bring me up, S. You can pass him my bio page link, if you want. That way, he can either get in touch with me, or talk to you about me if he wants to. I don't think that either of us should pressure him in any way. Letting him know that the door is open is the best way to go about things, I think.
Hello (11) - 14
I'm moving slow. (obviously)
Ordered my script
Ordered my smokes
Still have to pay the rent. :\
working out? What's that again? :(
- it's all good
Ordered my script
Ordered my smokes
Still have to pay the rent. :\
working out? What's that again? :(
- it's all good
Tuesday, December 2, 2003
FUCK!!!!!!!!!! (2)
I feel really bad. I go nuts trying to make this place as private as possible... not just for myself, but for others here... and now?
It looks like it's only posts from a few days in August, but I'm going to keep my eye on it. Hopefully it was just a glitch or something.
I guess the Membership By Approval option is going to have to stay on indefinitely. It's either that or create yet another board, and I have no desire to do that.
My apologies to everyone. :(
It looks like it's only posts from a few days in August, but I'm going to keep my eye on it. Hopefully it was just a glitch or something.
I guess the Membership By Approval option is going to have to stay on indefinitely. It's either that or create yet another board, and I have no desire to do that.
My apologies to everyone. :(
completely fried
I'm deleting ALL the posts at the old S&S board.
This whole thing with (the board host) making "private" communities searchable has got my hackles up. It's bad enough that you can trace me to a zillion other boards too... I don't want to risk losing the MBA option at S&S and having those posts in there.
I have a headache.
This whole thing with (the board host) making "private" communities searchable has got my hackles up. It's bad enough that you can trace me to a zillion other boards too... I don't want to risk losing the MBA option at S&S and having those posts in there.
I have a headache.
FUCK!!!!!!!!!! (1)
WHY THE FUCK IS THE BOARD LISTED ON SEARCH ENGINES?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!
WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
(Something about you...)
Post something about you that most people don't know-whether its something you like, dislike....something about your life, your looks, etc. Just anything you want to share... its all about you.
ok, how about...
When I was a teenager, I wanted to go to West Point.
ok, how about...
When I was a teenager, I wanted to go to West Point.
My nephew (part 3)
Time?
I think that 15 years is a rather long time. I've given the situation nothing but time. I've been respectful, even though enraged. I've kept my distance. I've kept my mouth shut. It's getting old.
I think that 15 years is a rather long time. I've given the situation nothing but time. I've been respectful, even though enraged. I've kept my distance. I've kept my mouth shut. It's getting old.
Monday, December 1, 2003
Hello (11) - 13
I'm here, barely. I'm just having a really rough night.
...I'm pretty messy right now.
...I'm pretty messy right now.
Beats me
I don't know why I post. I know that there are no magic answers... that no one in here is going to solve my problems... and that getting tired of hearing about them is probably about where people are at.
It's a daily battle... trying to not "give up"... trying not to do anything so insanely drastic that it makes my life even worse... and then I do things like try to not drink... try to work out... try to bathe and eat and take care of my teeth... try to remember to pay the bills...
try not to say too much or I'll make people worry too much
...and then there are days when I actually have to remind myself to do things like breathe, urinate in the toilet, and blink.
All that's what people seem to be able to do just fine. Me? I have such a tough time with it that I turn into a deer in headlights on a daily basis.
and then I beat myself up about it when I can't manage
and there's no end
there's no solution
there's just "survival"
What a fucking joke. I hate that shit. My therapist is always talking that crap... "You're a survivor". What the fuck? Survived what?!? Life?!? Everyone on the planet is doing that a whole fuck load better than I am! I'm supposed to take pride in the fact that I haven't blown my brains out yet?
I guess it all boils down to the fact that I need someone to help take care of me... and there is no one. No one is able, or no one is wanting to. It's just me, and my fucking beer which I'm not supposed to drink because, of course, that's the source of all of my problems in life, waiting to drop dead from some other cause than suicide.
I fake it well. When I leave the house and interact with people, "You seem fine" is the opinion. Yes. Just fine. I'm about 3 seconds from choking you to death with your own intestines, but really, I'm fine. Sometimes people look at me funny when I start shaking like I do sometimes. They really don't understand that it stems from beating off the urge to kill them. We often want to kill what we fear. I happen to fear people. Kill or hurt it before it kills or hurts you.
but I seem fine
I just have a seizure disorder
no worries.
It's a daily battle... trying to not "give up"... trying not to do anything so insanely drastic that it makes my life even worse... and then I do things like try to not drink... try to work out... try to bathe and eat and take care of my teeth... try to remember to pay the bills...
try not to say too much or I'll make people worry too much
...and then there are days when I actually have to remind myself to do things like breathe, urinate in the toilet, and blink.
All that's what people seem to be able to do just fine. Me? I have such a tough time with it that I turn into a deer in headlights on a daily basis.
and then I beat myself up about it when I can't manage
and there's no end
there's no solution
there's just "survival"
What a fucking joke. I hate that shit. My therapist is always talking that crap... "You're a survivor". What the fuck? Survived what?!? Life?!? Everyone on the planet is doing that a whole fuck load better than I am! I'm supposed to take pride in the fact that I haven't blown my brains out yet?
I guess it all boils down to the fact that I need someone to help take care of me... and there is no one. No one is able, or no one is wanting to. It's just me, and my fucking beer which I'm not supposed to drink because, of course, that's the source of all of my problems in life, waiting to drop dead from some other cause than suicide.
I fake it well. When I leave the house and interact with people, "You seem fine" is the opinion. Yes. Just fine. I'm about 3 seconds from choking you to death with your own intestines, but really, I'm fine. Sometimes people look at me funny when I start shaking like I do sometimes. They really don't understand that it stems from beating off the urge to kill them. We often want to kill what we fear. I happen to fear people. Kill or hurt it before it kills or hurts you.
but I seem fine
I just have a seizure disorder
no worries.
How u b? (3)
Wmg, I wouldn't consider you a lurker, really. Same with M. or Sv. It's just your style. "Lurker" is more negative to me. You drop by, you read, you occasionally post. If you were a lurker, your name (or "Anonymous", in your case) would always be on the "who's online" thingee, but you'd never post. Some people post a lot, others don't. Some people go through spurts. It's the people who join and then sit here reading people's posts like they're watching tv that bug me... in so far as the lurking thing goes... especially people who don't bother to even introduce themselves or try to post every now and again. To me, if you have an hour a day to sit here lurking, you can answer a stupid e-quiz once every couple of months or so... say something... say hello... blink... something. It's not like you have to tell everyone your whole life history or anything. Know what I mean?
You're not a "lurker" in my book.
You're not a "lurker" in my book.
(A personal link? 2)
I tossed together a bio page at Tripod. It's simple, but it'll do. I can't exactly use the one here with the MBA thing on. I've had the Tripod account for years... thought I may as well use it for something.
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