March 31, 2004

What would happen if...

What would happen if I just started throwing shit out... started purging again?

What would happen if I stopped saving e-mails and threads?

What would happen if I didn't have so much CRAP?

Yeah, but I can do 20 push ups. (5)

Looking back to June 2003, there's quite a big difference, but looking back to August all I've managed to really do is "maintain", and that doesn't exactly make me happy. I don't know that I could pull off 20 push ups. I've done a lot less of them, even on the days when I do manage to work out, because of horrible joint pain in my wrists. :\

I'm hoping that as the weather changes, I'll get that fire back under my ass. It's been a long Winter.

Under my clothing... (5)

slow moving

Height: 65.5 inches
Weight: 146 pounds

(in inches)
-------------
wrist: 6.25
neck: 14.5
chest: 35.5
waist: 33
hip: 35.5
bicep: 12
forearm: 11
thigh: 21.5
calf: 14

---

for the record, these are my desired/target measurements:

Weight: @ 136 pounds

neck: 15
chest: 40.6
waist: 28.4
hip: 34.5
bicep: 14.6
forearm: 11.8
thigh: 21.5
calf: 13.8

Hello (20) - VIII, IX

3:29 PM
S.'s coming up. I'll give a call when he leaves.

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11:10 PM
I think that I'll be up for about another hour or so. SVU was good, but too much of a Michael Jackson case rip off.

(Make Sense) 2

I guess that "when all of your senses seem to be "in tune" with one another" is one way to describe it. Being "Shifted" or "Shifting" is another. Can I shift at will? I think so. Can I "unshift"? Like I said, that's the tough part. When I give up control, that's one thing. It's all up to the "other" to give it back though. I don't have control over that, but I try to work on reaching some sort of compromise within myself. I've learned that attempting to take control causes a lot of problems.. but sometimes, if you ask...

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(03/31/04 11:00 AM)
I meant that as in me asking me. I meant that rather than attemtping to take control, asking for it sometimes works. (tone of voice really gets lost online )

Thinking on Avatars (again) 1

Is it about how you see yourself, how you think others see you, how you'd like to be seen.... all of the above?

The problem with my current avatar is that I don't always feel "goofy", not even the "evil" side of goofy (which is what the seagulls were in Nemo).

I am rather multifaceted, so it's pretty difficult to settle on just one avatar. I could change them on a daily basis, but even that'd be too limiting. It's often that my "moods" change minute to minute. So, I look for one that expresses the "inner" me... the me that underlies all the rest of the "moods".

I see them (the ones I'm considering) as:

unpredictable - insane - god like - tortured
demonic - solitary - blood thirsty
loving - blasphemous - destructive - possessed

The "softest" side of me... "solitary". Although the "loving" side is soft as well, the homo-erotic/masculine nature of the picture (I'm sure) really bothers some people... taking away some of the "softness".

Am I dark? Well, I don't know whose place it is to determine that. Mine, I suppose... but what others see does play a part. I see myself as a powder keg... and all the people around me are capable of dropping a match. (I'm a lot less of a threat if I surround myself with Ravens.)

Hello (20) - VII

I don't know why he's is pissing me off. I know (logically) that he's just really intimidated by me, but he's still irking the hell out of me today.

N. may have agreed with his choice, but with her it was because she really liked the avatar. With him it was all about his need to see me as inferior (just like his last choice). That he posted that right after he'd read what I'd written to/about him in the Retro section spoke volumes.


I need a drink, and I don't like that I do.