Re: Intelligence - Whatever that means

As with all things, what I say will depend on the day.

I wrote that particular rant after roaming the halls of "Classmates.com" for the first time. I think that it was both a sort of homesickness for my past and a bitterness about the present which inspired it.

The older I get, the less "hope" I have. When you're in school, as bad as things can be, there's a large amount of hope. At this point, there is very little of that. Winning the lottery aside, my hopes for tomorrow are nearly nonexistent. I used to want things... a partner, a career, a house... things that people are supposed to want. Maybe it's a sour grapes sort of thing, but I really don't seem to want anything anymore. Not very much of me still honestly believes that any of those things are worth having. I've had partners, jobs, homes, and they've all either let me down or proved to be intolerable on some level. Then there's the whole MPD thing.

The MPD label is, by far, the most difficult one for me to wear. I've had many labels in my life, and with them, I could just say, "I'm _______. Deal with it!" and do ok. The MPD label is tough. Half the time I can't understand what it is myself. I can spew out a bunch of research and explanations, but even if I do, people still are either petrified of me or see it as something to joke about.

Let me talk about some of my labels....

When you're a, let's say, Vampire, and you tell people, you have to live down a media version of what a Vampire is. With things like that, it's not so tough, even though it's still something that pisses you off. Vampires are glamorous in a way... or powerful. If someone thinks that you're like the media Vampire, it may not be accurate, but at least it's got a certain amount of style.

With a label like "Lesbian", "Gay", or "Bi", often there is strength in numbers... especially over the last 15 years or so.

With a label like "Transsexual" or "Intersexed", it's a little more difficult. Maybe in another 15 years or so that will change.

"Witch" is akin to "Vampire".

Anyway... point is... I've dealt with a lot of labels and dealt with people's reactions to and misunderstandings about them. I've walked in parades, been the only one "out" in large groups, gone head to head with a lot of people in defense of myself. It was never easy, and it's still not easy, but the MPD label is just WAY not easy. See... it's not just the label. The label part I can deal with. It pisses me off when I have to deal with assholes who either make a joke of it or believe the media crap, but I can work through that, usually. It's the reality of it that gets me the most.

Whether or not the label is accurate isn't even the point. This whole "MPD" thing has made it almost impossible to live. The medical/psych community says it comes from abuse... and that's possible, I guess. Seeing it as something spiritual has helped me a bit though.

When you have a serious debilitating physical ailment, people have sympathy.... and if not, at least they believe you when things are progressing. There are sores or limps or guide dogs or canes or sign language or wheelchairs or hair loss or pale skin or things that are THERE to the naked eye. The very nature of MPD is that you can't tell when people have it, unless you're constantly around them for long periods of time. MPD is a "disorder" which protects the person it affects. It's key for the system to make everyone outside the system think that everything is just fine. Only when the person affected with it gets REALLY sick, to the point of, just about, needing hospitalization can people other than the MPD person/system usually tell something isn't quite right.

In school, my brain was bad enough to get me locked up... but as is common for MPD, it was misdiagnosed and I/we found a way to function once released. Fear of being locked up again caused the system to rework itself, and we kept going. It wasn't until 6 years after High School that I/we broke down entirely. When a system isn't functioning properly, or when certain parts of it are simply overworked, eventually it breaks down.

I've spent the last 8 or 9 years attempting to function. Say that another 17 times and perhaps you can understand the problem here.

At least in part, the previous rant about "intelligence" was written by a person whose IQ is superior and who could chat comfortably with the "elite" of the world, who is ticked off by having to coexist with complete idiots. The biggest problem is that it's not only the idiots around that person... it's the idiots that ARE that person.

I lost track of what this rant was about. I'll post it anyway. Maybe it'll make some sort of sense to someone.