~Killing Time

Life is overwhelming. I know that I have to take things one day at a time, but it's difficult to do. Days are long, and there's not much I really can do. I spend a lot of time in bed. Staying awake is difficult, staying asleep is difficult. When my eyes let me, I write or watch tv. Once I find out whether or not I qualify for Rx assistance, I can get some meds for the sleep/wake thing, the nausea, and for the pain which just doesn't respond to over the counter stuff. I'm pretty screwed with a lot of things. I've looked at canes, but my pride is getting in the way there. I'd rather keep colliding with walls. I guess it says something about society, that I'd rather appear drunk than "handicapped".

MS aside, I'm dealing with the anger and the rage that are there from my latest REALLY big mistake. Eventually it'll die down. Eventually I'll stop giving that (insert obscenity here) who fucked with my head, my heart, and my life the pleasure of knowing she did. Really, she doesn't even deserve a sentence on my blog. I'm out of the situation. I have to hang onto that. I may not have a pot to piss in, but I'm not there, I'm not in jail, and there are still a few people who do actually care about me... despite how I was required to treat them over the last half of '04. I think that I gave her enough already. Actually, being that I either gave her, or gave up for her, just about everything I had, giving even more energy is something I have to manage to stop doing. That energy is about all I have left to go on right now.

Maybe, once I'm back on my feet, even if i have to use a cane, I'll be able to just let it go.