Friday, December 7, 2001
(still) Doubting Thomas
As usual, and this is the problem in the first place, I can't seem to get people to understand what it is I'm actually saying. It's not that I don't know how to write, or even that writing takes any sort of effort. It's the lack of mental clarity. It ties into what I was attempting to say in that "Squaring The Circle" thread. It's just NOT like "riding a bicycle" (as you are trying to suggest)... although I really can't think up a good enough analogy to use.
Questions for vamps/weres/other (respectively)
(- I would like to hear what your definition is of what you are...in your opinion not another's
- I would like to know when you first realized/understood what you were and how
- I would like to know what being what you are entails..as in what do you do that makes you what you are)
In my opinion... that's so damn tough recently. I don't know what my opinions are anymore... or... maybe I just can't seem to verbalize them. Everything is truth. Everything is a lie. I believe nothing and everything.
I'm not sure what I am. Part of me thinks that I must be pretty different than most other "people". I don't see other people struggling like I do. People struggle, but... it's a different sort of struggle. I don't know if it's that I'm more evolved, less evolved, or if it's just a normal human condition to feel like you're an alien.
I've always felt this way... from day one. I've searched for appropriate labels so that I can attempt to explain myself to other people... but none seem accurate. Even the ones I once thought worked, don't anymore. From talking to others who call themselves "Vampires", I realize that label doesn't fit if I want people to understand me. The same thing with the "Were" label.
Am I human? I don't know. Most often, when I come in contact with others who call themselves "human", I know that I can't be. I just don't know if I'm superhuman or subhuman. Whatever the case though, I really wish I knew whether or not there is a mother ship coming to pick me up. I'm not ashamed of being an alien, and I don't really want to become "human". I just wish there were a few more aliens around to commiserate with.
- I would like to know when you first realized/understood what you were and how
- I would like to know what being what you are entails..as in what do you do that makes you what you are)
In my opinion... that's so damn tough recently. I don't know what my opinions are anymore... or... maybe I just can't seem to verbalize them. Everything is truth. Everything is a lie. I believe nothing and everything.
I'm not sure what I am. Part of me thinks that I must be pretty different than most other "people". I don't see other people struggling like I do. People struggle, but... it's a different sort of struggle. I don't know if it's that I'm more evolved, less evolved, or if it's just a normal human condition to feel like you're an alien.
I've always felt this way... from day one. I've searched for appropriate labels so that I can attempt to explain myself to other people... but none seem accurate. Even the ones I once thought worked, don't anymore. From talking to others who call themselves "Vampires", I realize that label doesn't fit if I want people to understand me. The same thing with the "Were" label.
Am I human? I don't know. Most often, when I come in contact with others who call themselves "human", I know that I can't be. I just don't know if I'm superhuman or subhuman. Whatever the case though, I really wish I knew whether or not there is a mother ship coming to pick me up. I'm not ashamed of being an alien, and I don't really want to become "human". I just wish there were a few more aliens around to commiserate with.
Wednesday, December 5, 2001
Best movies ever
What movies would you pick to show if you had a willing audience for the day and access to any and all movies ever made?
If I were to run the projector, for a movie day for my board members, in an attempt to both enlighten and entertain us all, this would be the schedule:
The pre-lunch movie will be Fight Club (One of the most accurate MPD flicks ever). We will then have our lunch and debate the ending. At about 2PM we will be seeing Harold and Maude (I cannot say anything about this movie that might even remotely come close to expressing my love for it.), followed by some snax and conversation. Around 4PM, we're going to be seeing Same Time Next Year. (The BEST "Chick-flick" of all time!) Afterwards, we'll go to dinner and stare longingly at one another. Post-dinner, you will be viewing The Last Temptation Of Christ whilst I politely excuse myself and retire to the bar.
After the films, y'all can meet me there and, at the least, have a much better understanding of FR.
Hey! Look! Up there on the bar tv!!! It's The Nightmare Before Christmas!!!!
If I were to run the projector, for a movie day for my board members, in an attempt to both enlighten and entertain us all, this would be the schedule:
The pre-lunch movie will be Fight Club (One of the most accurate MPD flicks ever). We will then have our lunch and debate the ending. At about 2PM we will be seeing Harold and Maude (I cannot say anything about this movie that might even remotely come close to expressing my love for it.), followed by some snax and conversation. Around 4PM, we're going to be seeing Same Time Next Year. (The BEST "Chick-flick" of all time!) Afterwards, we'll go to dinner and stare longingly at one another. Post-dinner, you will be viewing The Last Temptation Of Christ whilst I politely excuse myself and retire to the bar.
After the films, y'all can meet me there and, at the least, have a much better understanding of FR.
Hey! Look! Up there on the bar tv!!! It's The Nightmare Before Christmas!!!!
Favorite books
What are your top 10 favorite books of all time?
Wuthering Heights - Bronte
The Hunger - Strieber
Fables of Aesop
Insomnia - King
Celestine Prophecy - Redfield
The Lorax - Dr. Seuss
Illusions by Richard Bach
Demian - Hesse
The Satanic Bible - LaVey
The Merck Manual (Sorry! HAD to toss this one in!)
Wuthering Heights - Bronte
The Hunger - Strieber
Fables of Aesop
Insomnia - King
Celestine Prophecy - Redfield
The Lorax - Dr. Seuss
Illusions by Richard Bach
Demian - Hesse
The Satanic Bible - LaVey
The Merck Manual (Sorry! HAD to toss this one in!)
I find these stats to be pretty telling.
12/4/01 Visits 727 Posts 45
12/3/01 Visits 395 Posts 28
12/2/01 Visits 595 Posts 42
12/1/01 Visits 584 Posts 65
11/30/01 Visits 675 Posts 42
11/29/01 Visits 611 Posts 50
11/28/01 Visits 674 Posts 54
11/27/01 Visits 1127 Posts 36
Not that I didn't know that no one was posting and the bunch of us were the only ones really putting the time and energy into (my board - this online community) (not counting maybe 2 others), but shit! I deleted everyone except 10 of us, and only 7 of us are actually posting right now... and there's basically NO change in the number of posts... not to mention, we're also responsible for most of what's over at (my new public board - online community) as well.
(my new public board - online community):
12/5/01 Visits 37 Posts 4
12/4/01 Visits 366 Posts 40
12/3/01 Visits 844 Posts 66
12/2/01 Visits 583 Posts 37
12/1/01 Visits 448 Posts 34
*sighs*
(My board - online community) Totals Summary:
since 10/27/00
Visits: 221226 Posts: 19441 (that there's a LOT of readin'!)
12/3/01 Visits 395 Posts 28
12/2/01 Visits 595 Posts 42
12/1/01 Visits 584 Posts 65
11/30/01 Visits 675 Posts 42
11/29/01 Visits 611 Posts 50
11/28/01 Visits 674 Posts 54
11/27/01 Visits 1127 Posts 36
Not that I didn't know that no one was posting and the bunch of us were the only ones really putting the time and energy into (my board - this online community) (not counting maybe 2 others), but shit! I deleted everyone except 10 of us, and only 7 of us are actually posting right now... and there's basically NO change in the number of posts... not to mention, we're also responsible for most of what's over at (my new public board - online community) as well.
(my new public board - online community):
12/5/01 Visits 37 Posts 4
12/4/01 Visits 366 Posts 40
12/3/01 Visits 844 Posts 66
12/2/01 Visits 583 Posts 37
12/1/01 Visits 448 Posts 34
*sighs*
(My board - online community) Totals Summary:
since 10/27/00
Visits: 221226 Posts: 19441 (that there's a LOT of readin'!)
Tuesday, December 4, 2001
hurting
Listening to "Whatever's For Us"... "It Could Have Been Better"...
I think of my "dad"...
I miss him... a lot...
Things I really want to do...
Watch football games
Listen to Joan's CDs
Eat pizza
play cards
just be in the same room.
I really DO love you.
Don't know what that means.
I think of my "dad"...
I miss him... a lot...
Things I really want to do...
Watch football games
Listen to Joan's CDs
Eat pizza
play cards
just be in the same room.
I really DO love you.
Don't know what that means.
Saturday, December 1, 2001
(some board stress)
At the moment, I don't know how much longer I'm keeping (my board) open. I'm sort of tired of having people spit in my face when I bust my ass for them.
Even now, I'm giving (someone) what he wanted. He prides himself on being banned from boards. I guess he can add this one to his list.
I've got some thinking to do.
(12/1/01 3:23 am)
I'm really pretty tired of this shit. For over a year now, I've done nothing but run this board, try to make people happy, do people favors, look the other way, try to keep things interesting, deal with people's attitude problems, be as nice as I can to people, bite my tongue, and keep (my board) a fun place to be. I'm tired. Tired of being slapped in the face, tired of trying to get people to post, tired of coming up with topic after topic and reply after reply... just fucking tired.
I could really use some input right about now.
(12/1/01 2:58 pm)
Just a warning here. Things are about to get A LOT different in the next day or so. Please keep an eye on your e-mail and whatever the case, don't take anything personally. I'm just too fried to deal with much right now, and I'm attempting to save what I can of this board, rather than breaking up what's left of the "family".
Even now, I'm giving (someone) what he wanted. He prides himself on being banned from boards. I guess he can add this one to his list.
I've got some thinking to do.
(12/1/01 3:23 am)
I'm really pretty tired of this shit. For over a year now, I've done nothing but run this board, try to make people happy, do people favors, look the other way, try to keep things interesting, deal with people's attitude problems, be as nice as I can to people, bite my tongue, and keep (my board) a fun place to be. I'm tired. Tired of being slapped in the face, tired of trying to get people to post, tired of coming up with topic after topic and reply after reply... just fucking tired.
I could really use some input right about now.
(12/1/01 2:58 pm)
Just a warning here. Things are about to get A LOT different in the next day or so. Please keep an eye on your e-mail and whatever the case, don't take anything personally. I'm just too fried to deal with much right now, and I'm attempting to save what I can of this board, rather than breaking up what's left of the "family".
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