Next on the MS bandwagon (cont'd)

What the doctor told me is that I have "Progressive Relapsing" MS. My eye is better, but it only went back to a less damaged point. I still have problems with blurriness, glare, and color, but at least it's not completely gone like it was.

I'm due to meet with a MS specialist in February, and before then, go through the "Evoked Potentials" tests and get some more blood work done.

The diagnosis? I suppose that it's both scary and also a source of relief. I feel a little validated... like I can finally say "I told you so", and make sense of a lot of what has been going on with me for most of my life. Things they told me were DID, weren't. Things I wrote off as "Hangover" or "sleep disorder" or "out of shape" or "arthritis" or "PTSD" or "I'm an asshole" actually have a more valid cause/source. At least I know the cause of a lot of my "problems". Whether or not I'll ever be able to "get better" remains to be seen/determined, I suppose. From what I've been told so far, most of the damage (that white part in the center of my brain in the MRI) can't be reversed.

I don't know how in hell I'll be able to afford any of the meds... and honestly, part of me wants to throw in the towel. I've had a long life. I'm tired. I'm angry. I don't know that I want to extend my life. My life has been pretty damn shitty. I "know my MS" very well, I was just told to call it DID because a bunch of idiots who called themselves doctors didn't want to bother with an MRI.

So, am I handling it well? I don't know. I'm trying to take it "one day at a time"... trying to decide if I want to even go through the hassle of a lawsuit which I may very well win. All the money in the world cannot fix my brain, and it cannot compensate for what this disease did to me and my life... not to mention the lives of the people who've had to deal with me over the years. Perhaps, in time, some of the anger will subside. I suppose anything is possible.

"Times" are no more (or less) trying than they've ever been, but at least now I have the damn pictures to prove it.