...and about a year since I wrote that, where am I? Am I worrying, still, about the approaching September? Yes and no.
True, my birthday is still, always, horrible. That's Psych stuff, though. I think that what happens, although I'm not 100% certain, is that the Psych crap in September, along with the change in the weather, kicks my MS into full gear. There's more Psych crap in November, more in December, A LOT in May (along with the May change in weather). The psych crap sets off the MS crap.
I've been shrunk so much I can barely see over my boots. Therapy won't help with the Psych crap. That crap is there to stay.
So, am I killing myself? Is my past actually killing me?
I've always had a lot of allergies. Being allergic to myself, that takes the cake. I'm allergic to myself. I'm attacking myself... exposing my nerves...
I just love metaphor.
Saturday, June 18, 2005
Friday, June 17, 2005
622pm061705 comment reply
(re: ~Initially)
I liked this entry. Although you had been misdiagnosed all these time which had caused delay in proper treatment, I just thought you had learned a lot being a 'mental' patient. There had been a lot of negative feelings I'm sure, but being through all these shit had strengthened and shaped you into a more sensitive and open-minded person from what I have read. I'm sure there are a lot more positive traits which could be used to describe you. I'm sorry but my vocabulary had never been strong. What I mean is that the changes that goes through in us with everything that happens to us and our lives are invaluable. wish you are well.
My reply:
That means a lot. I do value what being labeled "crazy" taught me. Not that I don't have my issues and my mental disorders, but I'm glad that at least now I know what is Psychological and what is Physiological, in so far as my problems go. If nothing else, I'm glad that I learned how not to give the same meaning to the word "crazy" as most others do. I think that I'll always be a psycho, and that's ok. ;)
I liked this entry. Although you had been misdiagnosed all these time which had caused delay in proper treatment, I just thought you had learned a lot being a 'mental' patient. There had been a lot of negative feelings I'm sure, but being through all these shit had strengthened and shaped you into a more sensitive and open-minded person from what I have read. I'm sure there are a lot more positive traits which could be used to describe you. I'm sorry but my vocabulary had never been strong. What I mean is that the changes that goes through in us with everything that happens to us and our lives are invaluable. wish you are well.
My reply:
That means a lot. I do value what being labeled "crazy" taught me. Not that I don't have my issues and my mental disorders, but I'm glad that at least now I know what is Psychological and what is Physiological, in so far as my problems go. If nothing else, I'm glad that I learned how not to give the same meaning to the word "crazy" as most others do. I think that I'll always be a psycho, and that's ok. ;)
1232pm061705 comment reply
(re: ~Initially)
I don't fear you or anyone else who deals with mental illness. I wish the best and I hope for improved treatments in your lifetime that mitigate the impact of your syndromes on your joy and happiness. It is interesting to read your thoughts as a first person account of someone dealing with these issues in real time. Thank you for being generous and brave enough to expose this to the world. It would seem to me that this is a positive thing for you. I hope so! :-)
My reply:
Although do appreciate your words of kindness, the reason I re-posted this blog is because, basically, it was a MISdiagnosis. I have/had MS. They told me I was crazy, and never listened to me when I told them that there was actually something wrong with my brain (organ). For the last decade or two, they were telling me that I was crazy. I'm not crazy. I have MS. Again, I've yet to decide whether or not I'm taking this to court. Just wanted to clarify. :\
I don't fear you or anyone else who deals with mental illness. I wish the best and I hope for improved treatments in your lifetime that mitigate the impact of your syndromes on your joy and happiness. It is interesting to read your thoughts as a first person account of someone dealing with these issues in real time. Thank you for being generous and brave enough to expose this to the world. It would seem to me that this is a positive thing for you. I hope so! :-)
My reply:
Although do appreciate your words of kindness, the reason I re-posted this blog is because, basically, it was a MISdiagnosis. I have/had MS. They told me I was crazy, and never listened to me when I told them that there was actually something wrong with my brain (organ). For the last decade or two, they were telling me that I was crazy. I'm not crazy. I have MS. Again, I've yet to decide whether or not I'm taking this to court. Just wanted to clarify. :\
~Initially
I think that this is a pretty important bit of writing. Being that I was diagnosed with MS, this past November, this bit of writing takes on a whole new angle.
I still haven't decided whether or not to sue.
I still haven't decided whether or not to sue.
Thursday, June 16, 2005
Tuesday, June 14, 2005
Saturday, June 11, 2005
re: ~Trusting the Dog
I should remember to read this when my brain flares. When the brain flares, I can get pretty darn nasty. When the brain flares in just the right way, "nice" goes out the window. All I'm left with is a bad temper and brutal honesty.
When I fly into asshole mode, when my brain is flaring, I still do try to hide... to protect the world from myself, despite my needs. Isn't that just like life though? When I most need people, on one level, is when I feel the overwhelming desire to get as far away from them as possible. Yes, when I "need" people most is exactly the time when I push them the hell away from me. Sort of like, being a sick dog.
When I fly into asshole mode, when my brain is flaring, I still do try to hide... to protect the world from myself, despite my needs. Isn't that just like life though? When I most need people, on one level, is when I feel the overwhelming desire to get as far away from them as possible. Yes, when I "need" people most is exactly the time when I push them the hell away from me. Sort of like, being a sick dog.
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