9:28 AM - 3/7/06
ok, so... finally, I get to the point where I can't take what my cable company offers as entertainment anymore. I go online and look up the "packages". All I really want is Sundance. Why Sundance is a "pay channel" in this neck of the woods, I won't go into, but as ticked off as I've been with the programming, and variety of channels that come with my current subscription, I finally gave in. Fuck it. I'll PAY for Sundance. PLEASE!!! Just STOP the RIGHT WING ORGY that's going on, on my tv screen! IFC alone just isn't doing it for me anymore!!!
So, I decide, last night, that I'll pay the $13 a month or so, to get my Sundance... and hey, I'll get Showtime as a bonus. Look, if the majority of your time is spent stuck in bed staring, tv takes on a whole new meaning. I was pumped. I had decided. I actually MADE A DECISION.
I get up today, and quickly go to fantasy land. I turn on the tv, and play "I wonder what I'd be watching if I already had my new cable package."
Very quickly, my smile turned into a frown.
I couldn't find the Sundance channel listed on the menu.
I looked and looked. I checked the little card that I got when they hooked up the cable. It was there, on the card. It wasn't there on menu.
Where's Sundance?
I worried.
I made coffee and plopped my butt down in front of the computer.
I went to my cable company's website. It was listed there, in the Showtime package, right where I left it.
Only one thing could be the case. Although it existed in cyberspace, it no longer existed in the real world.
Angry, and full of "it's a Right Wing conspiracy" ideas, I was left to make yet another decision. Movies, uncut and slightly reflecting reality, or edited movies brought to me by Grace, the anatomically correct, life sized, talking "unborn child".
I called my cable company. They informed me that just within the last month, Sundance had cancelled with them. Yeah. Right. I believe you.
I went with the Cinemax package.
Well shit, I did tell you that I spend most of my life in bed.
Crappy, fake porn is better than no porn at all.
Tuesday, March 7, 2006
Monday, March 6, 2006
~Bloody Hell
7:36 AM - 3/6/06
It was a very rough night. Only made it about two hours into the Oscars. I passed out cold, headphones on. Woke up around midnight or so. Tried to find out who had won what by attempting to read the bottom of the MSNBC screen. Didn't see anything there. Went to the bathroom. Ouch. Really ouch.
Got back into bed, but couldn't get comfortable. Burn burn burn.
Went out to the living room and turned on the computer. Saw that Brokeback didn't win for Best Picture. Bummer. Oh well. I should care, but no, really, really ouch.
Stopped by the toilet. Drip. Burn. Sonofabitch OUCH.
Stared at the tv. ouch ouch ouch
OUCH
I took an Ibuprofen.
Went back into the bathroom, turned the hot water on, got a washcloth.
Drip into hot washcloth.
drip OUCH drip OUCH drip FUCK!!!!
This went on for almost an hour.
Then, I realized that there was blood on the washcloth, and in the toilet.
Dripped and burned and ouched until it stopped long enough for me to get back into bed.
I fell asleep around 4 or so.
I'm up now.
I peed.
I'm back down to a 6 on the pain scale. Six, I can do. Last night's 10? Ummmmm...
Got Bullets?
It was a very rough night. Only made it about two hours into the Oscars. I passed out cold, headphones on. Woke up around midnight or so. Tried to find out who had won what by attempting to read the bottom of the MSNBC screen. Didn't see anything there. Went to the bathroom. Ouch. Really ouch.
Got back into bed, but couldn't get comfortable. Burn burn burn.
Went out to the living room and turned on the computer. Saw that Brokeback didn't win for Best Picture. Bummer. Oh well. I should care, but no, really, really ouch.
Stopped by the toilet. Drip. Burn. Sonofabitch OUCH.
Stared at the tv. ouch ouch ouch
OUCH
I took an Ibuprofen.
Went back into the bathroom, turned the hot water on, got a washcloth.
Drip into hot washcloth.
drip OUCH drip OUCH drip FUCK!!!!
This went on for almost an hour.
Then, I realized that there was blood on the washcloth, and in the toilet.
Dripped and burned and ouched until it stopped long enough for me to get back into bed.
I fell asleep around 4 or so.
I'm up now.
I peed.
I'm back down to a 6 on the pain scale. Six, I can do. Last night's 10? Ummmmm...
Got Bullets?
Sunday, March 5, 2006
March 5, 2006
8:08 AM - 3/5/06
~Marlboro Men
I don't remember the last time I actually went to see a movie. I'm pretty sure that it was in 2002, but not positive. There are a million and one reasons why I haven't been able to, but none of those are because I don't enjoy movies.
That said, although I didn't see any of this year's bunch of films, I'm looking forward to watching the Oscars tonight. Why? I'm no fan of award shows. "Popular opinion" is crap to me. F.A.T. I'm watching it because Jon Stewart is hosting it, and Jon Stewart cracks me the fuck up.
Good call, Oscar people. You got one more viewer than you had last year.
I'll be rooting for Brokeback Mountain. I have no clue what the hell the movie was about, but from what I can gather it had to do with enlightening people. I'm still laughing at the fact that it never occured to people that there were Gay Cowboys. First, where the hell do you think Gay guys went to get the hell away from that which was repressing them back then? Second, what the hell do you think that men did out there on the range without women? Right, they were screwing the sheep. Yeah. That makes sense. Lastly, but most importantly, "Cowboys" were normal men. About 10% of normal men are Gay. It's simple math.
"Gay Man" doesn't mean "Feminine Man". It just means that you're a man who is happy to partner with other men, if you find the right one. For a lot of guys, the right one enjoys being just as disgustingly masculine as humanly possible, just the same as their prefered partners do.
6:09 PM - 3/5/06
~Burning
Yeah, I'm sick.
"Flaring" What an interesting word. I don't like it. It implies, when one says, "I'm flaring.", that there is a time when one is not. I'm always "active". There's always one lesion or another that's humping my brain.
Right now, things are really fucking bad.
I'm not nice.
Pain. Yeah... whatever. "On a scale of one to ten, how do you rate your pain?"
Well, I'd say it's about a FUCK YOU!!!
On a scale of one to ten, I often hit ten. Five is, "I just sliced my body to ribbons with razor blades." Any more questions, asshole?
My brain is burning.
I'm not nice.
~Marlboro Men
I don't remember the last time I actually went to see a movie. I'm pretty sure that it was in 2002, but not positive. There are a million and one reasons why I haven't been able to, but none of those are because I don't enjoy movies.
That said, although I didn't see any of this year's bunch of films, I'm looking forward to watching the Oscars tonight. Why? I'm no fan of award shows. "Popular opinion" is crap to me. F.A.T. I'm watching it because Jon Stewart is hosting it, and Jon Stewart cracks me the fuck up.
Good call, Oscar people. You got one more viewer than you had last year.
I'll be rooting for Brokeback Mountain. I have no clue what the hell the movie was about, but from what I can gather it had to do with enlightening people. I'm still laughing at the fact that it never occured to people that there were Gay Cowboys. First, where the hell do you think Gay guys went to get the hell away from that which was repressing them back then? Second, what the hell do you think that men did out there on the range without women? Right, they were screwing the sheep. Yeah. That makes sense. Lastly, but most importantly, "Cowboys" were normal men. About 10% of normal men are Gay. It's simple math.
"Gay Man" doesn't mean "Feminine Man". It just means that you're a man who is happy to partner with other men, if you find the right one. For a lot of guys, the right one enjoys being just as disgustingly masculine as humanly possible, just the same as their prefered partners do.
6:09 PM - 3/5/06
~Burning
Yeah, I'm sick.
"Flaring" What an interesting word. I don't like it. It implies, when one says, "I'm flaring.", that there is a time when one is not. I'm always "active". There's always one lesion or another that's humping my brain.
Right now, things are really fucking bad.
I'm not nice.
Pain. Yeah... whatever. "On a scale of one to ten, how do you rate your pain?"
Well, I'd say it's about a FUCK YOU!!!
On a scale of one to ten, I often hit ten. Five is, "I just sliced my body to ribbons with razor blades." Any more questions, asshole?
My brain is burning.
I'm not nice.
Saturday, March 4, 2006
March 4, 2006
1:18 AM - 3/4/06
~Fully Dosed
Wish I were sleeping. Can't sleep though. Stupid drug is busy beating me up.
Things went ok today. It's all done, aside from the letting it wear off part. Don't know how long that's going to take. Usually, it just seems like by the time it's probably worn off, my usual MS symptoms have gotten worse. One long road of "this sucks.", I suppose.
I have an appointment with Neurodude in about a month. I'll be interested to see what he'll have to say. If he can't prove to me that this crap is doing me any good, then he can't really justify asking me to do it again.
I suppose that the only way to prove it is to do yet another MRI. I guess that it's up to him. I'll know whether or not it did me any good without the MRI, but I can't expect him to take my word for it.
I need sleep.
12:45 PM - 3/4/06
~turn turn turn
I don't want to jinx myself or anything, but in truth, I've had worse days. I'm still feeling some of the negative effects of the chemical soup, but I'm actually not minding the little bit of energy I have. I got a few hours of sleep, and that seemed to help a little. Now I can use the steroid rush to wash my jeans.
A lot of this MS stuff is stuff I've been living with for so long, I just deal with it. I bitch about it more now, online anyway, but that's just because I know the source of it. It just works better than "life sucks and I don't know why!" does for me. The best expressive writing is full of temper tantrums, but if the temper tantrums don't vary, it gets old quick.
I think that the seasons are going to change soon. There's just that feel in the air... the cold will break soon... Spring will come... life will change. There's a feeling of excitement... of promise... of adventure...
I can't decide whether to smile or start digging a really, really deep hole to hide in.
6:21 PM - 3/4/06
~jinxed
Glad I made the most of the morning. Now, it's back to HELL. Son of a fucking BITCH this HURTS!
~Fully Dosed
Wish I were sleeping. Can't sleep though. Stupid drug is busy beating me up.
Things went ok today. It's all done, aside from the letting it wear off part. Don't know how long that's going to take. Usually, it just seems like by the time it's probably worn off, my usual MS symptoms have gotten worse. One long road of "this sucks.", I suppose.
I have an appointment with Neurodude in about a month. I'll be interested to see what he'll have to say. If he can't prove to me that this crap is doing me any good, then he can't really justify asking me to do it again.
I suppose that the only way to prove it is to do yet another MRI. I guess that it's up to him. I'll know whether or not it did me any good without the MRI, but I can't expect him to take my word for it.
I need sleep.
12:45 PM - 3/4/06
~turn turn turn
I don't want to jinx myself or anything, but in truth, I've had worse days. I'm still feeling some of the negative effects of the chemical soup, but I'm actually not minding the little bit of energy I have. I got a few hours of sleep, and that seemed to help a little. Now I can use the steroid rush to wash my jeans.
A lot of this MS stuff is stuff I've been living with for so long, I just deal with it. I bitch about it more now, online anyway, but that's just because I know the source of it. It just works better than "life sucks and I don't know why!" does for me. The best expressive writing is full of temper tantrums, but if the temper tantrums don't vary, it gets old quick.
I think that the seasons are going to change soon. There's just that feel in the air... the cold will break soon... Spring will come... life will change. There's a feeling of excitement... of promise... of adventure...
I can't decide whether to smile or start digging a really, really deep hole to hide in.
6:21 PM - 3/4/06
~jinxed
Glad I made the most of the morning. Now, it's back to HELL. Son of a fucking BITCH this HURTS!
Friday, March 3, 2006
March 3, 2006
6:46 AM - 3/3/06
~Just one more
I can hope that today goes a little better than yesterday. I'll try my best to do what I can to see that it does. It's just not easy to wrestle with chemicals. They do some funky crap with your brain.
If nothing else, I'll try to take more breaths before hitting the return key here. Not that my feelings aren't valid, and not that I'm not entitled to express them, I just think that a few extra breaths might, at least, keep the poop off of public places (like ~blurt).
When I get riled, I get riled. My rage circles and spirals until it feels like being done with me. We dance often, despite my aversion to dancing.
Having Solu-Medrol in your system is like having a few drinks too many at the club. Whatever was in there before, is now free to come out all over the place.
6:46 PM - 3/3/06
There's something wrong with me
I want to cook a turkey.
~Just one more
I can hope that today goes a little better than yesterday. I'll try my best to do what I can to see that it does. It's just not easy to wrestle with chemicals. They do some funky crap with your brain.
If nothing else, I'll try to take more breaths before hitting the return key here. Not that my feelings aren't valid, and not that I'm not entitled to express them, I just think that a few extra breaths might, at least, keep the poop off of public places (like ~blurt).
When I get riled, I get riled. My rage circles and spirals until it feels like being done with me. We dance often, despite my aversion to dancing.
Having Solu-Medrol in your system is like having a few drinks too many at the club. Whatever was in there before, is now free to come out all over the place.
6:46 PM - 3/3/06
There's something wrong with me
I want to cook a turkey.
Thursday, March 2, 2006
March 2, 2006
4:43 PM - 3/2/06
~almost there
It took two nurses three tries and about 15 minutes to get a vein. I know, it doesn't sound like that long, but when they're digging around in there, it feels like forever.
The IV's in my left forearm. Tomorrow's the last dose.
Hopefully this crap won't take too long to get out of my system.
I do not like feeling like this at all.
5:43 PM - 3/2/06
~EVIL
From: b_______u
don't mean to pry but only a question.why do you need all the ivs and meds?
-----------------
I don't think that you're prying. There's plenty on my blog to fill you in, if you're up for reading. My links are at the top, they'll fill you in a bit. My archives are there too, but it's a lot to read.
I'm in the process of being treated with IV Solu-Medrol for PRMS. That is 'Progressive Relapsing Multiple Sclerosis'. Simply put, my immune system is actively attacking my central nervous system, slowly and painfully killing me.
woohoo!
Yeah. Not too much fun. I just keep writing because I still can, and it's about all I can do sometimes to feel like I actually still exist, or matter, or something.
Don't mean to sound too grumpy. It's been a long day.
-----------------
From: b_______u
cutter i think i may have the answert to your prayers if you are willing to take the time to hear my offer and willing to spend a small amount of money on it. it will be better than what ever they are giving you and will get you back on your feet and build your immune and nervous systyem back up. i take it everyday and believe me you will be able to feel the difference. but the choice is yours. sincerely b_______u
-----------------
I'll leave off my reply. It wasn't anywhere near nice.
6:38 PM - 3/2/06
To Whom It May Concern,
Cutter does not play well with others on most days, let alone on day 4 of his IV Solu-Medrol treatment.
Please remind Cutter of this, so that he can be aware of it in the future.
Sincerely,
A concerned citizen
p.s. - He also runs with scissors. Please advise him not to.
~almost there
It took two nurses three tries and about 15 minutes to get a vein. I know, it doesn't sound like that long, but when they're digging around in there, it feels like forever.
The IV's in my left forearm. Tomorrow's the last dose.
Hopefully this crap won't take too long to get out of my system.
I do not like feeling like this at all.
5:43 PM - 3/2/06
~EVIL
From: b_______u
don't mean to pry but only a question.why do you need all the ivs and meds?
-----------------
I don't think that you're prying. There's plenty on my blog to fill you in, if you're up for reading. My links are at the top, they'll fill you in a bit. My archives are there too, but it's a lot to read.
I'm in the process of being treated with IV Solu-Medrol for PRMS. That is 'Progressive Relapsing Multiple Sclerosis'. Simply put, my immune system is actively attacking my central nervous system, slowly and painfully killing me.
woohoo!
Yeah. Not too much fun. I just keep writing because I still can, and it's about all I can do sometimes to feel like I actually still exist, or matter, or something.
Don't mean to sound too grumpy. It's been a long day.
-----------------
From: b_______u
cutter i think i may have the answert to your prayers if you are willing to take the time to hear my offer and willing to spend a small amount of money on it. it will be better than what ever they are giving you and will get you back on your feet and build your immune and nervous systyem back up. i take it everyday and believe me you will be able to feel the difference. but the choice is yours. sincerely b_______u
-----------------
I'll leave off my reply. It wasn't anywhere near nice.
6:38 PM - 3/2/06
To Whom It May Concern,
Cutter does not play well with others on most days, let alone on day 4 of his IV Solu-Medrol treatment.
Please remind Cutter of this, so that he can be aware of it in the future.
Sincerely,
A concerned citizen
p.s. - He also runs with scissors. Please advise him not to.
Wednesday, March 1, 2006
March 1, 2006
4:58 PM - 3/1/06
~are we there yet?
I'm really tired. I really don't even know why I'm out of bed.
Had dose number 3 today. It went ok, I guess. Got them to take the IV tube out. The adhesive from the tape was making my arm itch. Didn't feel too good getting it out though. I'm pretty furry.
At least, maybe, I'll sleep a little more comfortably, and be able to get a shower. They'll put another one in, tomorrow morning. Hopefully, that will go well.
Just two more days...
~are we there yet?
I'm really tired. I really don't even know why I'm out of bed.
Had dose number 3 today. It went ok, I guess. Got them to take the IV tube out. The adhesive from the tape was making my arm itch. Didn't feel too good getting it out though. I'm pretty furry.
At least, maybe, I'll sleep a little more comfortably, and be able to get a shower. They'll put another one in, tomorrow morning. Hopefully, that will go well.
Just two more days...
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