Strokes

I suppose that there's plenty I could write about, but lately I'm finding it difficult to blog. I suppose that it's about spending the last 5 and a half years online... writing and writing and writing... I suppose that I'm pretty over it. Every now and again you get someone who gets something out of what you write, but generally speaking, no... at most, you can pat yourself on the back for being a good drumming chimp. It's just entertainment... drama, for other people.

Do I really care? Maybe a little. I'm sure that deep down inside of me I want people to care about what I have to say, but I can't care too much. I did that for a few years, and it did nothing other than make me want to hunt people down and shoot them. When you care, you put your heart on the line. Not a good thing to do with the Internet. My conclusion, after 5 and a half years? As quickly as possible, take it offline.

It's not real.

I argued that point, once. I used to want it to be real... to be typing back and forth with other real people... to believe the "I love you!s" and "You're family!s"... It's not real though. The words were, generally speaking, empty. News Flash: If only one person thinks it's real, it's called a delusion.

So, why do I continue writing online? I don't know. I think that right now it's just about killing time... and getting the occasional ego boost. There's nothing quite like hearing "you're right!" to give me a stiffy. Doesn't take all that much to make me happy, I guess.

In a while, I'll drift offline. I'll go back to pen and paper, and Word docs. The thought is a pleasant one. I don't even recognize my own handwriting anymore. My writer's callous is gone. It's sort of sad.

Instant gratification. That's what it's all about, I suppose. It used to be that I didn't care if anyone ever read what I wrote. In fact, I preferred that no one ever did. My writing was for me. It was an outlet. Then, I wrote online and people ooh!ed and ahh!ed... and the rest is history. More! More! More! Feed me! Feed me! Feed me! Stroke my ego! Harder! Harder! Harder!!!

I used to be able to get myself off just fine.

Sad indeed.