~I hurt therefore I am

Figuring the whole MS thing out is tricky. Yes, I've been living with it for years, but being that it has progressed to this point, and finally having a name for it, puts a twist on everything I've learned to do to keep myself going. I guess the biggest tricky thing is simply whether or not I even want to keep going.

Too, I've had dreams for years. The ones where no matter how hard I try, I can't communicate with people... they can't understand me, or I can't make my mouth work... and the ones where I'm in a wheelchair.... these dreams are pretty spooky now. Premonitions? I don't know. Could be.

As of now, aside from the cognitive problems and bouts of obsessiveness, compulsiveness, paranoia, rage, and depression, I have to figure out a new way to deal with the daily physical problems. I've written the physical problems off for about 20 years, with the help of many shrinks, bad doctors, and their explanations. I can't write them off anymore. It was all in my head, literally. Now, the problems scare me in a whole new way.

I don't know the difference between a "flare up" and just another shaking spell or bout of back pain or hand pain or shoulder pain or weak ankles or insomnia or nausea or vertigo or fatigue or headache from hell or gotta go now! or blurred vision or numbness or pins and needles or oversensitive ears or feeling like I'm being beaten in random places with a lead pipe.

I don't have arthritis. I didn't drink too much the night before. My shoes fit fine! I don't have an alter who limps. I don't have an alter who is deaf in one ear. I don't have an alter who has the eardrums of a canine. I don't have an alter who is catatonic. I have MS.

Multiple Sclerosis. It means "many scars". The irony of that does not escape me.