Beats me

I don't know why I post. I know that there are no magic answers... that no one in here is going to solve my problems... and that getting tired of hearing about them is probably about where people are at.

It's a daily battle... trying to not "give up"... trying not to do anything so insanely drastic that it makes my life even worse... and then I do things like try to not drink... try to work out... try to bathe and eat and take care of my teeth... try to remember to pay the bills...

try not to say too much or I'll make people worry too much

...and then there are days when I actually have to remind myself to do things like breathe, urinate in the toilet, and blink.

All that's what people seem to be able to do just fine. Me? I have such a tough time with it that I turn into a deer in headlights on a daily basis.


and then I beat myself up about it when I can't manage

and there's no end

there's no solution

there's just "survival"

What a fucking joke. I hate that shit. My therapist is always talking that crap... "You're a survivor". What the fuck? Survived what?!? Life?!? Everyone on the planet is doing that a whole fuck load better than I am! I'm supposed to take pride in the fact that I haven't blown my brains out yet?

I guess it all boils down to the fact that I need someone to help take care of me... and there is no one. No one is able, or no one is wanting to. It's just me, and my fucking beer which I'm not supposed to drink because, of course, that's the source of all of my problems in life, waiting to drop dead from some other cause than suicide.

I fake it well. When I leave the house and interact with people, "You seem fine" is the opinion. Yes. Just fine. I'm about 3 seconds from choking you to death with your own intestines, but really, I'm fine. Sometimes people look at me funny when I start shaking like I do sometimes. They really don't understand that it stems from beating off the urge to kill them. We often want to kill what we fear. I happen to fear people. Kill or hurt it before it kills or hurts you.

but I seem fine

I just have a seizure disorder

no worries.