~The Rules

I do get lost.

It is a bit of a battle. It's difficult to stay on course.

Often, I focus more on what hurts me than I do on what helps. Often, I focus more on not killing myself or anyone else than I do on actually living. Often, I get stuck thinking and forget how to feel.

I can't blame it all on this pit I'm used to polishing. I can't even blame it all on those who pushed me into the pit or who continue to keep me in it. I'm here too. I have to take some of the blame. If I don't, I'll never get out of the pit.

See, life will continue to toss me into the pit. This I know. This I'm used to. I end up deeper and deeper every time, as if being tossed into it somehow lowers the bottom.

"...like a deep dark pit, knowing it's swallowed you up..."

I wrote that a couple of decades ago.. a line in an otherwise horrible attempt at poetry.


I'm wondering, does a warrior need an enemy in order to shine? If there is no enemy, what happens to the warrior? Does he create his own demons to do battle with, in order to feel alive?

My blade is sharp. I long to drive it through the heart of the enemy. Best I watch my step. I may lose track of the fact that I'm not my own worst enemy. There are plenty out there to slay. Must watch my step and watch my blade.

"Don't kill yourself. Don't kill anyone else." That is the law of man. The enemy can preemptively strike if they suspect those rules may soon be broken.


The law of the thief... Don't get caught.

Don't get caught, and don't give ammo to the enemy. Don't give them a reason to preemptively strike.

Don't get caught. It's every thief's research project. CSI is popular for a reason.


In truth, I don't fear death. I don't fear killing. I fear getting caught. I fear having to take the blame.

It is a good fear to have.

I'm still here.