6:05 AM - 1/7/06
~Trouble sleeping
Wasn't able to sleep more than about an hour or two. Very very tired. Might end up taking something, if I can't manage to fall asleep next time I try. It's mostly my ears. The ringing is really loud. Hurts a lot. There are other things going on, but it's my ears that are the biggest problem.
If I can, I'll give it another couple of weeks before I head in for more Solu-Medrol. I have to manage to get some sleep though. Out of everything, legal or not, sleep works the best when it comes to helping me.
Just thought of the movie "The Hunger". Both the book and the movie were always amongst my all time favorites. I keep hearing Catherine DeNeuve saying, "He's having trouble sleeping."
Indeed.
Saturday, January 7, 2006
Friday, January 6, 2006
January 6, 2006
8:25 AM - 1/6/06
~quietly smoking
More than anything right now, I just feel sleepy. I don't even know why I got out of bed. Coughy woke me up, but I was tired enough to fall back to sleep. I just wanted a smoke, and felt bad about lighting one up with Coughy already going at it. So, I dragged myself out to the living room. Squeaky and Stompy are up. I haven't heard Choppy yet. The Seal is obviously up. Haven't mentioned him yet, I guess. It's a dog who lives in one of the nearby houses. Sounds just like a seal.
I don't know why I care. It's not like my neighbors are considerate of me. In fact, it's people like them who have made my life pretty damn hellish. I should be able to give Coughy and Murmur the, proverbial, finger. I don't though. I worry and make my life more difficult because I don't want to deal with them.
I should really go back to bed.
4:14 PM - 1/6/06
~Form time
Finally made it out to get my mail. I didn't fall, but I had to take it really really slow. It's nice out, the lot isn't a sheet of ice, but there's still snow out there. I'd like to be able to sit outside for a while, but I fear having to deal with my neighbors. They stop and talk if they see me out there, and I don't want to talk with them. They're loud, and their voices hurt my ears.
Got some papers in the mail from the Housing Authority. Have to give them my new information for 2006. My rent will increase, because SSD increased. It always works that way, whatever you get from Social Security as a "cost of living" increase gets taken by whatever other organizations are helping you out... or it puts you right over one limit or another so that you don't qualify for the help anymore. I guess that I'll have to update with Medicaid too. Stupid forms. Right now, I can barely read them. Maybe tomorrow I'll be able to see better.
It could happen.
6:44 PM - 1/6/06
Multiple Sclerosis morbidity
Sometimes, I get really really scared. I get weird pains in my head, feels like a blood vessel bursting... or sometimes, various body parts lock up... all of a sudden, it'll (OUCH... head pains as I write this)... it'll take about a minute to move something, whether it's my leg or arm or hand. It happened to me a few times at the grocery store... I was trying to take something out or put something into my wallet, and my hands just froze up... I couldn't move them. I tried to just play it off, but it embarrassed me.
At some point, last night, I remember leaning up against the entryway to my kitchen and talking myself out of crying. I don't remember what it was that upset me, but it had something to do with the MS. I guess, sometimes I get depressed, and sometimes I go beyond that, and I'm just a wreck.
Spent a good hour, today, thinking about what I would do if I lost my sight and my hearing at the same time. At first, I planned out the suicide, but then I got more realistic and tried to start memorizing my cell phone better. Just call RavensWings, or text message her, over and over and over. She'll know that there's something wrong. ...or, get Nessie and start breaking things, someone will call the cops. ...or go door to door asking for help.
I lost my sight, in one eye, once. There's no knowing whether or not they could get things back... even a little.
I guess I'm in Morbidville.
sorry
I think that I'm flaring. PRMS. Whatever. All I know is that THIS SUCKS.
~quietly smoking
More than anything right now, I just feel sleepy. I don't even know why I got out of bed. Coughy woke me up, but I was tired enough to fall back to sleep. I just wanted a smoke, and felt bad about lighting one up with Coughy already going at it. So, I dragged myself out to the living room. Squeaky and Stompy are up. I haven't heard Choppy yet. The Seal is obviously up. Haven't mentioned him yet, I guess. It's a dog who lives in one of the nearby houses. Sounds just like a seal.
I don't know why I care. It's not like my neighbors are considerate of me. In fact, it's people like them who have made my life pretty damn hellish. I should be able to give Coughy and Murmur the, proverbial, finger. I don't though. I worry and make my life more difficult because I don't want to deal with them.
I should really go back to bed.
4:14 PM - 1/6/06
~Form time
Finally made it out to get my mail. I didn't fall, but I had to take it really really slow. It's nice out, the lot isn't a sheet of ice, but there's still snow out there. I'd like to be able to sit outside for a while, but I fear having to deal with my neighbors. They stop and talk if they see me out there, and I don't want to talk with them. They're loud, and their voices hurt my ears.
Got some papers in the mail from the Housing Authority. Have to give them my new information for 2006. My rent will increase, because SSD increased. It always works that way, whatever you get from Social Security as a "cost of living" increase gets taken by whatever other organizations are helping you out... or it puts you right over one limit or another so that you don't qualify for the help anymore. I guess that I'll have to update with Medicaid too. Stupid forms. Right now, I can barely read them. Maybe tomorrow I'll be able to see better.
It could happen.
6:44 PM - 1/6/06
Multiple Sclerosis morbidity
Sometimes, I get really really scared. I get weird pains in my head, feels like a blood vessel bursting... or sometimes, various body parts lock up... all of a sudden, it'll (OUCH... head pains as I write this)... it'll take about a minute to move something, whether it's my leg or arm or hand. It happened to me a few times at the grocery store... I was trying to take something out or put something into my wallet, and my hands just froze up... I couldn't move them. I tried to just play it off, but it embarrassed me.
At some point, last night, I remember leaning up against the entryway to my kitchen and talking myself out of crying. I don't remember what it was that upset me, but it had something to do with the MS. I guess, sometimes I get depressed, and sometimes I go beyond that, and I'm just a wreck.
Spent a good hour, today, thinking about what I would do if I lost my sight and my hearing at the same time. At first, I planned out the suicide, but then I got more realistic and tried to start memorizing my cell phone better. Just call RavensWings, or text message her, over and over and over. She'll know that there's something wrong. ...or, get Nessie and start breaking things, someone will call the cops. ...or go door to door asking for help.
I lost my sight, in one eye, once. There's no knowing whether or not they could get things back... even a little.
I guess I'm in Morbidville.
sorry
I think that I'm flaring. PRMS. Whatever. All I know is that THIS SUCKS.
Thursday, January 5, 2006
January 5, 2006
9:44 AM - 1/5/06
~dreary
Spent some time on the phone, and drank a few beers, last night. It's not exactly a social life, but it's better than nothing. Managed to get enough of an appetite to eat a couple of eggs and a piece of toast before crashing out. Didn't forget my Lamictal this time.
Doesn't look like my friend is going to be able to come up. Between her work schedule and my brother's, by the time they would get up here, they'd have no time to spend until they had to turn around and leave. It's a really long drive. On the best day, it's about 5 hours each way. I guess that it just has to be planned out better. It sucks that I can't go down for the visit. I'm hoping that some sort of miracle will happen and I'll get to the point of feeling like I can risk the trip. On my best days, I get about 5 hours until I have to ouch my way into bed.
Left a message for Neurodude about my Inderal problem. I won't get my hopes up about hearing from him anytime soon though.
Boy, do I ever feel crappy. It looks like it's going to rain, or snow, or something. Perfect day for hanging with Bunny.
4:33 PM - 1/5/06
~Another drug down
So, no more Lamictal for me. I took the increased dose for the first time, this morning, and had a really bad reaction. Scary.
Made an "emergency" call to Neurology, and they tracked down Neurodude. He said that the reaction was not typical (unique again? who knew?), but that if by 4PM I wasn't feeling any better, I should come into the ER. It's after 4PM now. I'm feeling a little better.
It worries me. I hope that it was just the Lamictal. If it wasn't, it's "here we go again". There's a lot going on, symptom-wise. My eyes are bad. My ears haven't stopped ringing since I don't know when, but I think that it's been months. It's getting really painful. My left foot is messed up. My head is hurting in strange ways. Having breathing trouble. My legs completely went out on me today. Spasticity all over the place. Shaking. Nausea. Dizziness. Random pains. All the way around, I'm just not doing well at all.
It's a few months until the next MRI. I don't know if I'll make it that long before ending up in the damn ER. Then, they'll admit me and put more chemicals in my veins. woohoo
Are we having fun yet?
5:42 PM - 1/5/06
The hit count (19) 49
It's at 49,000 exactly.
~dreary
Spent some time on the phone, and drank a few beers, last night. It's not exactly a social life, but it's better than nothing. Managed to get enough of an appetite to eat a couple of eggs and a piece of toast before crashing out. Didn't forget my Lamictal this time.
Doesn't look like my friend is going to be able to come up. Between her work schedule and my brother's, by the time they would get up here, they'd have no time to spend until they had to turn around and leave. It's a really long drive. On the best day, it's about 5 hours each way. I guess that it just has to be planned out better. It sucks that I can't go down for the visit. I'm hoping that some sort of miracle will happen and I'll get to the point of feeling like I can risk the trip. On my best days, I get about 5 hours until I have to ouch my way into bed.
Left a message for Neurodude about my Inderal problem. I won't get my hopes up about hearing from him anytime soon though.
Boy, do I ever feel crappy. It looks like it's going to rain, or snow, or something. Perfect day for hanging with Bunny.
4:33 PM - 1/5/06
~Another drug down
So, no more Lamictal for me. I took the increased dose for the first time, this morning, and had a really bad reaction. Scary.
Made an "emergency" call to Neurology, and they tracked down Neurodude. He said that the reaction was not typical (unique again? who knew?), but that if by 4PM I wasn't feeling any better, I should come into the ER. It's after 4PM now. I'm feeling a little better.
It worries me. I hope that it was just the Lamictal. If it wasn't, it's "here we go again". There's a lot going on, symptom-wise. My eyes are bad. My ears haven't stopped ringing since I don't know when, but I think that it's been months. It's getting really painful. My left foot is messed up. My head is hurting in strange ways. Having breathing trouble. My legs completely went out on me today. Spasticity all over the place. Shaking. Nausea. Dizziness. Random pains. All the way around, I'm just not doing well at all.
It's a few months until the next MRI. I don't know if I'll make it that long before ending up in the damn ER. Then, they'll admit me and put more chemicals in my veins. woohoo
Are we having fun yet?
5:42 PM - 1/5/06
The hit count (19) 49
It's at 49,000 exactly.
Wednesday, January 4, 2006
January 4, 2006
12:26 AM - 1/4/06
Just letting you know
Just got off of the phone with Jk, after over 3 hours.
She's going to try to come up with S. for the weekend (14th/15th), rather than me going down there.
She REALLY wants to meet you.
12:58 AM - 1/4/06
~Medicare Duh
I feel a lot better now. Cage is coming to see me! :D
It was a long day. I'm glad that it's over. I paid my bills, and looked into the Medicare D thing. Apparently, my new plan doesn't cover Inderal. Bummer. Now I get to decide... either go off of it, or deal with the side effects of the generic, twice a day, version. Decisions Decisions.
Pretty fucked up. Seems that, across the board, most medications that deal with calming people down aren't covered. It reeks of when they emptied the Mental Hospitals in the 80's. There will be a lot of "Psychotic" folk who will be forced off of their meds. Not good at all.
I don't know that I can handle the twice daily generic. I'm already nauseous all the time, and "the runs" are more often than not. My stomach just can't deal. Yeah, I'm sure that they can give me, yet another, pill for that. Whatever. Drug companies will make more money, at our expense. Thanks President Fuckhead.
Take the "burden" off of the States, and help the Insurance companies make money. Right. I wonder how much the States will have to pay to house/imprison all the people who went whacko because of this faulty Medicare D thing.
Dark times... in the negative sense of the word. Times, they are a changin'... in a REALLY BAD fucking way.
Do I have "faith"? Well... honestly? I do. In the end, "good" will win out. I really do believe that we all want "good".
We just disagree on what "good" is.
There is "good" and there is "evil". "Evil" will eat itself. "Good" will keep trying.
Stay true to your heart. That's where "good" lives.
8:12 AM - 1/4/06
~way to go
It's food store day. Getting out of the house is good, but I know what usually happens, so I can't help but worry. Sucks that it takes a day to recover from going to the damn grocery store.
Completely forgot to take my meds last night. Got caught up on the phone. Not that the conversation wasn't good, but because I was on the phone, my alarm, which is on said phone, couldn't go off. oops. I was supposed to increase my dose, too. I guess that I'll just take the same dose as I've been taking, and then increase it tonight. I still have no clue why I'm even on the stuff.
Have to figure out the whole Inderal situation. Playing phone tag with Neurodude is not something that I feel like doing today. Unlike the Lamictal, the Inderal might actually be doing me some good. Figures.
What I really feel like doing is getting back into bed. It's one of those mornings that I worry about the hazzards of showering with MS. There are 3 basic situations in which, I think, no one wants to spend their final moments of life... in the shower, on the can, or with their hand down their pants. All washed up... canned... crapped out... petered out... fucked up? Yes, I do think about things like this.
I never claimed to be all that right in the head.
8:41 PM - 1/4/06
~wanting to see green
I have a headache, and my eyes are giving me trouble... especially the right one. Makes me nervous. I was lucky, I got most of my sight back after the course of Solu-Medrol, back in December of '04. Now though, even an eye booger can freak me out.
I remember watching as things disappeared. Once I couldn't even see the moon anymore, I was sincerely a complete mess.
"Read the lowest line on the eye chart."
"What eye chart?"
Fun stuff.
Wish I'd bought that bottle of Scotch today. I was feeling really nauseous, so I skipped it and bought a jug of wine instead. I haven't been drinking that much, lately. Haven't really had the stomach for it. Truth is, I often drink to spark my appetite. I'm not happy with my current weight, so I'm trying not to drink as much. The Lamictal kills what little appetite I do have too, so I really haven't been eating much either. Been drinking a lot of coffee, but that's about it. Beer and wine have seemed too weak. I have to drink too much to get any sort of benefit from it. A few shots of Scotch would be nice, right about now.
Found out today that they're trying to legalize the use of pot for medicinal purposes, here in MassiveJewZits. They include MS as one of the diseases it could be prescribed for. I wonder if Medicare D will pay for that.
Just letting you know
Just got off of the phone with Jk, after over 3 hours.
She's going to try to come up with S. for the weekend (14th/15th), rather than me going down there.
She REALLY wants to meet you.
12:58 AM - 1/4/06
~Medicare Duh
I feel a lot better now. Cage is coming to see me! :D
It was a long day. I'm glad that it's over. I paid my bills, and looked into the Medicare D thing. Apparently, my new plan doesn't cover Inderal. Bummer. Now I get to decide... either go off of it, or deal with the side effects of the generic, twice a day, version. Decisions Decisions.
Pretty fucked up. Seems that, across the board, most medications that deal with calming people down aren't covered. It reeks of when they emptied the Mental Hospitals in the 80's. There will be a lot of "Psychotic" folk who will be forced off of their meds. Not good at all.
I don't know that I can handle the twice daily generic. I'm already nauseous all the time, and "the runs" are more often than not. My stomach just can't deal. Yeah, I'm sure that they can give me, yet another, pill for that. Whatever. Drug companies will make more money, at our expense. Thanks President Fuckhead.
Take the "burden" off of the States, and help the Insurance companies make money. Right. I wonder how much the States will have to pay to house/imprison all the people who went whacko because of this faulty Medicare D thing.
Dark times... in the negative sense of the word. Times, they are a changin'... in a REALLY BAD fucking way.
Do I have "faith"? Well... honestly? I do. In the end, "good" will win out. I really do believe that we all want "good".
We just disagree on what "good" is.
There is "good" and there is "evil". "Evil" will eat itself. "Good" will keep trying.
Stay true to your heart. That's where "good" lives.
8:12 AM - 1/4/06
~way to go
It's food store day. Getting out of the house is good, but I know what usually happens, so I can't help but worry. Sucks that it takes a day to recover from going to the damn grocery store.
Completely forgot to take my meds last night. Got caught up on the phone. Not that the conversation wasn't good, but because I was on the phone, my alarm, which is on said phone, couldn't go off. oops. I was supposed to increase my dose, too. I guess that I'll just take the same dose as I've been taking, and then increase it tonight. I still have no clue why I'm even on the stuff.
Have to figure out the whole Inderal situation. Playing phone tag with Neurodude is not something that I feel like doing today. Unlike the Lamictal, the Inderal might actually be doing me some good. Figures.
What I really feel like doing is getting back into bed. It's one of those mornings that I worry about the hazzards of showering with MS. There are 3 basic situations in which, I think, no one wants to spend their final moments of life... in the shower, on the can, or with their hand down their pants. All washed up... canned... crapped out... petered out... fucked up? Yes, I do think about things like this.
I never claimed to be all that right in the head.
8:41 PM - 1/4/06
~wanting to see green
I have a headache, and my eyes are giving me trouble... especially the right one. Makes me nervous. I was lucky, I got most of my sight back after the course of Solu-Medrol, back in December of '04. Now though, even an eye booger can freak me out.
I remember watching as things disappeared. Once I couldn't even see the moon anymore, I was sincerely a complete mess.
"Read the lowest line on the eye chart."
"What eye chart?"
Fun stuff.
Wish I'd bought that bottle of Scotch today. I was feeling really nauseous, so I skipped it and bought a jug of wine instead. I haven't been drinking that much, lately. Haven't really had the stomach for it. Truth is, I often drink to spark my appetite. I'm not happy with my current weight, so I'm trying not to drink as much. The Lamictal kills what little appetite I do have too, so I really haven't been eating much either. Been drinking a lot of coffee, but that's about it. Beer and wine have seemed too weak. I have to drink too much to get any sort of benefit from it. A few shots of Scotch would be nice, right about now.
Found out today that they're trying to legalize the use of pot for medicinal purposes, here in MassiveJewZits. They include MS as one of the diseases it could be prescribed for. I wonder if Medicare D will pay for that.
Tuesday, January 3, 2006
January 3, 2006
12:51 AM - 1/3/06
~More Stevie
It's in my head... so I'll post it. I may delete it later, but that's ok. I guess I just needed to share... or something.
Beauty and the Beast
You're not a stranger to me
And you are something to see
You don't even know how to please
You say a lot but you're unaware how to leave
My darling lives in a world that is not mine
An old child misunderstood out of time
Timeless is the creature who is wise
And timeless is the prisoner in disguise
Oh who is the beauty who the beast
Would you die of grieving when I leave
Two children too blind to see
I would fall in your shadow I believe
My love is a man who's not been tamed
Oh my love lives in a world of false pleasure and pain
We come from different worlds we are the same my love
I never doubted your beauty I've changed
I never doubted your beauty I've changed
Changed
who is the beauty
Where is my beast (my love)
There is no beauty
Without my beast (my love)
Who is the beauty
Who my love
Ahhh
Oh la bête la bête
Where is my beast
My beauty my beauty
My beautiful beautiful beautiful
Beautiful beast
written by Stevie Nicks
- appears on The Wild Heart (1983)
11:24 AM - 1/3/06
~the mind killer
Sometimes, the music in my head is REALLY loud. Sometimes that's ok, sometimes it's not. I have no clue why that particular song got in there last night, but it's probably my favorite Stevie song, so that's ok.
Wasn't feeling too well last night, so I took a sleepy pill. It's rare that I use them, because they don't work if I take them too often. I got a decent amount of sleep from it, and that's a good thing. It was much needed.
My head has been hot, over the last few days. I don't like it when it's hot. In my experience, when my head gets hot, it's because the MS is munching away.
It's pretty messed up... I can't enjoy the "bad" time, because I'm too busy fearing the "dangerous" time. It really scares me. I really don't think that I can make it through another "dangerous" time. The last one was over a year long.
I'm petrified.
~More Stevie
It's in my head... so I'll post it. I may delete it later, but that's ok. I guess I just needed to share... or something.
Beauty and the Beast
You're not a stranger to me
And you are something to see
You don't even know how to please
You say a lot but you're unaware how to leave
My darling lives in a world that is not mine
An old child misunderstood out of time
Timeless is the creature who is wise
And timeless is the prisoner in disguise
Oh who is the beauty who the beast
Would you die of grieving when I leave
Two children too blind to see
I would fall in your shadow I believe
My love is a man who's not been tamed
Oh my love lives in a world of false pleasure and pain
We come from different worlds we are the same my love
I never doubted your beauty I've changed
I never doubted your beauty I've changed
Changed
who is the beauty
Where is my beast (my love)
There is no beauty
Without my beast (my love)
Who is the beauty
Who my love
Ahhh
Oh la bête la bête
Where is my beast
My beauty my beauty
My beautiful beautiful beautiful
Beautiful beast
written by Stevie Nicks
- appears on The Wild Heart (1983)
11:24 AM - 1/3/06
~the mind killer
Sometimes, the music in my head is REALLY loud. Sometimes that's ok, sometimes it's not. I have no clue why that particular song got in there last night, but it's probably my favorite Stevie song, so that's ok.
Wasn't feeling too well last night, so I took a sleepy pill. It's rare that I use them, because they don't work if I take them too often. I got a decent amount of sleep from it, and that's a good thing. It was much needed.
My head has been hot, over the last few days. I don't like it when it's hot. In my experience, when my head gets hot, it's because the MS is munching away.
It's pretty messed up... I can't enjoy the "bad" time, because I'm too busy fearing the "dangerous" time. It really scares me. I really don't think that I can make it through another "dangerous" time. The last one was over a year long.
I'm petrified.
Monday, January 2, 2006
January 2, 2006
6:41 AM - 1/2/06
~Just like the white winged dove
Stevie Nicks was in my dream. I don't remember the whole thing, but I remember her being in it. Now, "Edge of Seventeen" is stuck in my head on repeat. Not that I mind, really, but I wish my brainio would play more than about 30 seconds of it.
I'm not too sure what it is about Stevie Nicks. I've been a "fan" since I was about 12 or 13, I guess. Not that I didn't appreciate any Fleetwood Mac that I'd heard before then, but I suppose that when she started with her solo stuff, I was at just the right age to get starry eyed. Since then, she has stayed at the top of my "favorites" list of famous people.
I'm really not one to get "star struck". "Famous people" are just people. Either they're people with connections, or with really good luck. We turn them into Gods and Goddesses in our heads though. They can do no wrong. They become our phantom girlfriends or boyfriends, brothers or sisters, mothers or fathers, friends or relatives, husbands or wives. They fill in when the real people around us fall short of our expectations. I think that a lot of people use "God" for that purpose too.
There's a commercial on tv that they've been showing constantly. It's a commercial for some sort of Christian music CD. The footage they show in the commercial is filmed at some sort of concert where Christian "rock" bands are playing. The faces of the people in the audience are frightening. They gaze, either up at the stage or up at the ceiling, on the verge of tears, as they mouth the lyrics to the songs. I swear that the people who made the ad must be related to the ones who did the Sylvan learning center or the recent Army commercials. The spot of light in the people's eyes is put there so perfectly, and the light shines on them in just the right way. They rival the Save the Children ads, when it comes to blatant manipulation. "Buy this album! It'll make your life perfect! See what it does for them! You can all but pop wood! For just $20 or so, you too can have your entire life make sense!"
Have we all become so horrible to one another? Have we all become such failures to ourselves? Everyone, running around wanting to be rescued... wanting everything to suddenly make sense... wanting what we think everyone else has. We look at one another and think, "I must be really sick. Look at them! They're fine! What am I missing here?", not understanding that everyone else feels that way too. Everyone has their "demons", they're just taught not to talk about them.
We find comfort in our Gods and/or Goddesses. They say to us, "Don't worry, I'm here." or "It's ok to express your hurt." or "I understand you completely, like no one else ever did."
Well he... seemed broken hearted...
Something within him
7:56 PM - 1/2/06
~Nerves
I'm supposed to raise my Lamictal dose tomorrow. I guess that means I'll officially be addicted to it... in my book, anyway. It's tempting not to. It hasn't done me any good, and the way I see it, it's 50-50 whether or not an increased dose will. All I know for sure is that it'll be hell coming off of it if I do. Risky.
I'm really tired. Been in ears ringing and headache land all day. Worrying about the potential trip down to Philly. I'm really scared about it, actually. As much as I want to be there, I'm just not doing well. I don't want to get worse there. I don't want to put people in the position of having to "take care of me". It's not an easy thing to do. I'm not at easy person to deal with when I get really sick. I fear that I'm just going to want to leave, and I won't be able to... or that I'll just snap and leave. It's not like it hasn't happened before.
Nessie's never been in Philly. I hope she knows how to behave herself. She's been known to beat up threatening cars.
~Just like the white winged dove
Stevie Nicks was in my dream. I don't remember the whole thing, but I remember her being in it. Now, "Edge of Seventeen" is stuck in my head on repeat. Not that I mind, really, but I wish my brainio would play more than about 30 seconds of it.
I'm not too sure what it is about Stevie Nicks. I've been a "fan" since I was about 12 or 13, I guess. Not that I didn't appreciate any Fleetwood Mac that I'd heard before then, but I suppose that when she started with her solo stuff, I was at just the right age to get starry eyed. Since then, she has stayed at the top of my "favorites" list of famous people.
I'm really not one to get "star struck". "Famous people" are just people. Either they're people with connections, or with really good luck. We turn them into Gods and Goddesses in our heads though. They can do no wrong. They become our phantom girlfriends or boyfriends, brothers or sisters, mothers or fathers, friends or relatives, husbands or wives. They fill in when the real people around us fall short of our expectations. I think that a lot of people use "God" for that purpose too.
There's a commercial on tv that they've been showing constantly. It's a commercial for some sort of Christian music CD. The footage they show in the commercial is filmed at some sort of concert where Christian "rock" bands are playing. The faces of the people in the audience are frightening. They gaze, either up at the stage or up at the ceiling, on the verge of tears, as they mouth the lyrics to the songs. I swear that the people who made the ad must be related to the ones who did the Sylvan learning center or the recent Army commercials. The spot of light in the people's eyes is put there so perfectly, and the light shines on them in just the right way. They rival the Save the Children ads, when it comes to blatant manipulation. "Buy this album! It'll make your life perfect! See what it does for them! You can all but pop wood! For just $20 or so, you too can have your entire life make sense!"
Have we all become so horrible to one another? Have we all become such failures to ourselves? Everyone, running around wanting to be rescued... wanting everything to suddenly make sense... wanting what we think everyone else has. We look at one another and think, "I must be really sick. Look at them! They're fine! What am I missing here?", not understanding that everyone else feels that way too. Everyone has their "demons", they're just taught not to talk about them.
We find comfort in our Gods and/or Goddesses. They say to us, "Don't worry, I'm here." or "It's ok to express your hurt." or "I understand you completely, like no one else ever did."
Well he... seemed broken hearted...
Something within him
7:56 PM - 1/2/06
~Nerves
I'm supposed to raise my Lamictal dose tomorrow. I guess that means I'll officially be addicted to it... in my book, anyway. It's tempting not to. It hasn't done me any good, and the way I see it, it's 50-50 whether or not an increased dose will. All I know for sure is that it'll be hell coming off of it if I do. Risky.
I'm really tired. Been in ears ringing and headache land all day. Worrying about the potential trip down to Philly. I'm really scared about it, actually. As much as I want to be there, I'm just not doing well. I don't want to get worse there. I don't want to put people in the position of having to "take care of me". It's not an easy thing to do. I'm not at easy person to deal with when I get really sick. I fear that I'm just going to want to leave, and I won't be able to... or that I'll just snap and leave. It's not like it hasn't happened before.
Nessie's never been in Philly. I hope she knows how to behave herself. She's been known to beat up threatening cars.
Sunday, January 1, 2006
January 1, 2006
12:41 AM - 1/1/06
~Welcome to 2006
I had a nice night with Bunny, Harold, and Nessie. Earlier I went out for lunch with RavensWings. Sushi. INCREDIBLE sushi. They were preparing for a heavy night, so all of it was VERY fresh.
Bunny watched the ball drop in Times Square, on TV, with me. Nessie watched too, leaned up against the wall.
The first thing I did was walk to the window and watch the snow fall. I WALKED to the window, and WATCHED the snow fall.
I'm grateful for my vision, and for my ability to walk.
I'm grateful that I have a roof over my head.
I'm grateful for my friends, and for my brother, and for my dad-unit, whom I speak with again, through e-mail.
I'm grateful for my Disability check.
I'm grateful that I have a full stomach, a burning cigarette, and an open beer.
I'm grateful that I have a computer to write on, and to communicate with others on.
I'm grateful for a lot of things... but mostly... and honestly... I'm grateful that I had the ability to make it through 2005.
11:52 AM - 1/1/06
~Ouch
Too many beers. 800 mg of Ibuprofen for a late night snack. Stomach pain woke me up.
I'm in such pain.... I can't even breathe right.
Happy New Year? Right now, the makers of Pepto must certainly think so.
Hopefully it'll be a year before I forget this morning, and drink so many beers all at once again.
Back to bed I go.
5:23 PM - 1/1/06
~VERY Cool
Look at that!!! Archive links, compliments of ~blog, that actually WORK!!!
WooHoo!!!!
Next, there will be 31 days in the months that actually have them!
(Hey, I can hope.)
10:45 PM - 1/1/06
~Your village called
If you don't plan on taking at least 3 minutes to read over my blog, don't leave comments which you feel are "advice". It makes me angry, and makes you look like a big fucking idiot.
(this entry edited for REALLY hostile content)
~Welcome to 2006
I had a nice night with Bunny, Harold, and Nessie. Earlier I went out for lunch with RavensWings. Sushi. INCREDIBLE sushi. They were preparing for a heavy night, so all of it was VERY fresh.
Bunny watched the ball drop in Times Square, on TV, with me. Nessie watched too, leaned up against the wall.
The first thing I did was walk to the window and watch the snow fall. I WALKED to the window, and WATCHED the snow fall.
I'm grateful for my vision, and for my ability to walk.
I'm grateful that I have a roof over my head.
I'm grateful for my friends, and for my brother, and for my dad-unit, whom I speak with again, through e-mail.
I'm grateful for my Disability check.
I'm grateful that I have a full stomach, a burning cigarette, and an open beer.
I'm grateful that I have a computer to write on, and to communicate with others on.
I'm grateful for a lot of things... but mostly... and honestly... I'm grateful that I had the ability to make it through 2005.
11:52 AM - 1/1/06
~Ouch
Too many beers. 800 mg of Ibuprofen for a late night snack. Stomach pain woke me up.
I'm in such pain.... I can't even breathe right.
Happy New Year? Right now, the makers of Pepto must certainly think so.
Hopefully it'll be a year before I forget this morning, and drink so many beers all at once again.
Back to bed I go.
5:23 PM - 1/1/06
~VERY Cool
Look at that!!! Archive links, compliments of ~blog, that actually WORK!!!
WooHoo!!!!
Next, there will be 31 days in the months that actually have them!
(Hey, I can hope.)
10:45 PM - 1/1/06
~Your village called
If you don't plan on taking at least 3 minutes to read over my blog, don't leave comments which you feel are "advice". It makes me angry, and makes you look like a big fucking idiot.
(this entry edited for REALLY hostile content)
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