January 2, 2006

6:41 AM - 1/2/06
~Just like the white winged dove

Stevie Nicks was in my dream. I don't remember the whole thing, but I remember her being in it. Now, "Edge of Seventeen" is stuck in my head on repeat. Not that I mind, really, but I wish my brainio would play more than about 30 seconds of it.

I'm not too sure what it is about Stevie Nicks. I've been a "fan" since I was about 12 or 13, I guess. Not that I didn't appreciate any Fleetwood Mac that I'd heard before then, but I suppose that when she started with her solo stuff, I was at just the right age to get starry eyed. Since then, she has stayed at the top of my "favorites" list of famous people.

I'm really not one to get "star struck". "Famous people" are just people. Either they're people with connections, or with really good luck. We turn them into Gods and Goddesses in our heads though. They can do no wrong. They become our phantom girlfriends or boyfriends, brothers or sisters, mothers or fathers, friends or relatives, husbands or wives. They fill in when the real people around us fall short of our expectations. I think that a lot of people use "God" for that purpose too.

There's a commercial on tv that they've been showing constantly. It's a commercial for some sort of Christian music CD. The footage they show in the commercial is filmed at some sort of concert where Christian "rock" bands are playing. The faces of the people in the audience are frightening. They gaze, either up at the stage or up at the ceiling, on the verge of tears, as they mouth the lyrics to the songs. I swear that the people who made the ad must be related to the ones who did the Sylvan learning center or the recent Army commercials. The spot of light in the people's eyes is put there so perfectly, and the light shines on them in just the right way. They rival the Save the Children ads, when it comes to blatant manipulation. "Buy this album! It'll make your life perfect! See what it does for them! You can all but pop wood! For just $20 or so, you too can have your entire life make sense!"

Have we all become so horrible to one another? Have we all become such failures to ourselves? Everyone, running around wanting to be rescued... wanting everything to suddenly make sense... wanting what we think everyone else has. We look at one another and think, "I must be really sick. Look at them! They're fine! What am I missing here?", not understanding that everyone else feels that way too. Everyone has their "demons", they're just taught not to talk about them.

We find comfort in our Gods and/or Goddesses. They say to us, "Don't worry, I'm here." or "It's ok to express your hurt." or "I understand you completely, like no one else ever did."

Well he... seemed broken hearted...
Something within him

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7:56 PM - 1/2/06
~Nerves

I'm supposed to raise my Lamictal dose tomorrow. I guess that means I'll officially be addicted to it... in my book, anyway. It's tempting not to. It hasn't done me any good, and the way I see it, it's 50-50 whether or not an increased dose will. All I know for sure is that it'll be hell coming off of it if I do. Risky.

I'm really tired. Been in ears ringing and headache land all day. Worrying about the potential trip down to Philly. I'm really scared about it, actually. As much as I want to be there, I'm just not doing well. I don't want to get worse there. I don't want to put people in the position of having to "take care of me". It's not an easy thing to do. I'm not at easy person to deal with when I get really sick. I fear that I'm just going to want to leave, and I won't be able to... or that I'll just snap and leave. It's not like it hasn't happened before.

Nessie's never been in Philly. I hope she knows how to behave herself. She's been known to beat up threatening cars.