January 6, 2006

8:25 AM - 1/6/06
~quietly smoking

More than anything right now, I just feel sleepy. I don't even know why I got out of bed. Coughy woke me up, but I was tired enough to fall back to sleep. I just wanted a smoke, and felt bad about lighting one up with Coughy already going at it. So, I dragged myself out to the living room. Squeaky and Stompy are up. I haven't heard Choppy yet. The Seal is obviously up. Haven't mentioned him yet, I guess. It's a dog who lives in one of the nearby houses. Sounds just like a seal.

I don't know why I care. It's not like my neighbors are considerate of me. In fact, it's people like them who have made my life pretty damn hellish. I should be able to give Coughy and Murmur the, proverbial, finger. I don't though. I worry and make my life more difficult because I don't want to deal with them.

I should really go back to bed.

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4:14 PM - 1/6/06
~Form time

Finally made it out to get my mail. I didn't fall, but I had to take it really really slow. It's nice out, the lot isn't a sheet of ice, but there's still snow out there. I'd like to be able to sit outside for a while, but I fear having to deal with my neighbors. They stop and talk if they see me out there, and I don't want to talk with them. They're loud, and their voices hurt my ears.

Got some papers in the mail from the Housing Authority. Have to give them my new information for 2006. My rent will increase, because SSD increased. It always works that way, whatever you get from Social Security as a "cost of living" increase gets taken by whatever other organizations are helping you out... or it puts you right over one limit or another so that you don't qualify for the help anymore. I guess that I'll have to update with Medicaid too. Stupid forms. Right now, I can barely read them. Maybe tomorrow I'll be able to see better.

It could happen.

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6:44 PM - 1/6/06
Multiple Sclerosis morbidity

Sometimes, I get really really scared. I get weird pains in my head, feels like a blood vessel bursting... or sometimes, various body parts lock up... all of a sudden, it'll (OUCH... head pains as I write this)... it'll take about a minute to move something, whether it's my leg or arm or hand. It happened to me a few times at the grocery store... I was trying to take something out or put something into my wallet, and my hands just froze up... I couldn't move them. I tried to just play it off, but it embarrassed me.

At some point, last night, I remember leaning up against the entryway to my kitchen and talking myself out of crying. I don't remember what it was that upset me, but it had something to do with the MS. I guess, sometimes I get depressed, and sometimes I go beyond that, and I'm just a wreck.

Spent a good hour, today, thinking about what I would do if I lost my sight and my hearing at the same time. At first, I planned out the suicide, but then I got more realistic and tried to start memorizing my cell phone better. Just call RavensWings, or text message her, over and over and over. She'll know that there's something wrong. ...or, get Nessie and start breaking things, someone will call the cops. ...or go door to door asking for help.

I lost my sight, in one eye, once. There's no knowing whether or not they could get things back... even a little.

I guess I'm in Morbidville.

sorry

I think that I'm flaring. PRMS. Whatever. All I know is that THIS SUCKS.