and so the story went

I took a trip to see A2 in the Winter of 2001. Other than that, I haven't been anywhere since Dragon Con 2001. I've been a hermit... leaving the house every two weeks or so for groceries, going to the shrink, and making the occasional trip to the bar next door to pick up a 12 pack.

It's been a long stretch. From the insanity of the Con onward, it only got worse, even with seeing the new shrink in October of 2002. In fact, along with doing that, things got beyond bad. I even had to give up managing my board.

By the end of 2002, I had to disappear. I abandoned my user name and took refuge in a board I quickly threw together named, appropriately, "Scars and Scabs".

That was online.

Offline, things were the worst they've ever been in my life. It peaked with 2 consecutive suicide attempts/ODs by New Year's Eve.

Yay for me.


After a very difficult detox from the Xanax I was on, things did start to even out a bit. I tried to focus some on the new board, looked for new members, posted and tried to make things work there. I even got involved with someone at the end of February...

...things ended rather dramatically with that, but they ended... and when they did, I realized that for the first time in a long time, I actually felt good. I was making some headway with my new shrink, dealing with some pretty difficult and painful stuff... but I was dealing.

A trip to see my doctor for some yearly blood work lit a serious fire under my ass in so far as my health was concerned. My cholesterol was in the 250 range, my blood pressure was through the roof, and I'd put on such the beer gut that I didn't have any pants that fit anymore. That was the 19th of June.

Now?

I've cut the beer intake by more than two thirds. I've exercised intensely every other day, and more recently, every day. I've swallowed my pride and returned to my board. I'm using my legal name online. I'm making my therapy appointments and pushing through some of the most difficult head stuff I've ever had to deal with.


So, here I am... about to head off for Dragon Con again.


Today, I'm not doing too well. I'm very nervous about the trip and about being gone for that long, and all I want to do is have a beer and hide. I'm full of self doubt... wondering if this, the last few months or so, is just one of the usual "I'm better! Really!" phases I go through when my head decides to play tricks on me. DID is sneaky like that.



I'm going to watch StarTrek, and I'm going to have a beer.

I've worked very hard.



I'm going on vacation.